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View Full Version : Does she loves me or her ex?


Curious Head
Mar 4, 2010, 02:29 AM
We been together for, say since August and not officially call each other the "ultimate one" until December I would say. The reason behind having really blur time frame because since we hung out in 5th August, we had great click and hung out so frequently and "good time" together. So officially we been together for 3 months and going out for 7 months.

I found one of her letter to her ex last Sunday when I cleaned her room to surprise her while she @ work. I didn't know it was a letter to her ex until I read it, but it clearly showed it was in the time they were dating... not after. So I respected her and put it back to a place that she's usually store her valuable papers, I picked her up after work and went out for dinner. At dinner time I decided to let her know I found the letter, she was really embarrassed that I read it and said sorry cause it made me felt bad. I felt OK at the time and continued the story with the need of having the answer "Am I a rebound?" question out of the way. She confirmed that the love between her and her ex was totally ended, now they are friends. Then she told me about the fact that she still helping her ex financially here and there though she's not wealthy of any kind - just enough to live a good life, not much for any extra fancy stuffs.

And her ex is actively asking for help from time to time since their broke up in Aug 2007 after my girlfriend found her ex cheated on her for a year. I understood that my girlfriend was a very kind person and she even helped me once with my flight ticket to fly back home in Winter break. We had fun that night and at the time we returned to her room, she teared the letter in front of me. I was totally forgot about it... until today she asked me about her ex's bank card since I cleaned the room (she's quite a messy one) so I should know where was it. I'm honestly didn't see any bank card and told her I have no idea, that's when the glimpse of thought for "Am I a rebound?" punched into my head again.

Beside, the fact that she directly told me about she cut herself after the break up; and it was hard for her to trust people she's dating as much as before concerned me about how much can she put on me? I don't expect her full trust after some major event happened in her life, but I just wanted to be fair... I can just talk more with her about this after wrote this question.

Anyway, any thought or share is welcome :)
Thank for reading.

Romefalls19
Mar 4, 2010, 06:23 AM
I'd ask her about it, I mean if it's not a problem between you two open communication is the way to go. I always like being able to put things to rest.

neverme
Mar 4, 2010, 06:36 AM
I agree with Rome here, you need to be upfront and honest about your feelings and know that she is doing the same.

So as far as your girlfriend and her ex go, I can't think of one single reason why she would be, even in part, financially supporting him! She needs to break these ties in my opinion. They are not helping her to have a healthy relatinonship with you. It is one thing to be friends with someone but would you feel obligated to help a friend out of a financial bind? Ok sure if you could you would, but not on a continuous basis, especially considering the fact that she is not rolling in it!

I don't see what the problem is however with keeping a letter. I have letters and keepsakes from past relationships it does not mean that I am in love with them, they are just good memories.

Why does she have her ex's bank card? I would talk to her about this and their ties it is not, as I have said, helping her to move on.

She cut herself after the break up, has she been to see a therapist or counselor about this? I would strongly recommend that she does. Even if only for one session, this is a very drastic action and as someone that has cut before, putting the responsibility on a relationship break up or anything else is not good. This was a choice she made and she needs to deal with this fully.

As for trust issues, we ALL have them to some degree, they are natural and healthy. They are our instincts way of letting us know that we need to be careful with our heart. However, it is when they begin to debilitate us r affect us in an adverse way, that they become unhealthy. She will know herself, how much these issues are affecting her and it may be better if she, even if she decides to only go for one session, speak to someone about these.

amicon
Mar 4, 2010, 06:38 AM
You need to have a proper discussion with your girlfriend about these things.
Like Rome said-cards on the table.

talaniman
Mar 4, 2010, 07:32 AM
While giving money to an ex may not be the wisest thing to do, nor being friends with a cheater is not good judgment, they have been broken up for quite a while now, so maybe take into consideration that this is still a very young relationship, and you both will probably have a lot more to find out about each other.

Much to soon to worry, but do keep the lines of communications open, and honest. I would be more worried about you getting carried away by your own feelings, and not be objective, or open minded, as you are getting to know her. 7 months is not a long time really.

mistyjane
Mar 4, 2010, 11:22 AM
Who knows better than her? I agree that you should ask about it.
But she must be a very good person cause I would never be friend with a guy who cheated on me for ONE YEAR.