It is so easy to be in love, and have the problems that go with it. It makes you wonder what to do especially when your being pulled in so many ways.

The thing we all forget when we have very intense feelings is to have a healthy relationship, we must be healthy ourselves and to deal with a partner in a mature way, we have to be mature ourselves.

I think we may have a mutual dependence thing going here, and think its love, I don't know. But what we do know as fact is that our young friend is having his problems because he doesn't know himself as well as he could.

Even if she doesn't partake of counseling with you, you could benefit greatly I think from someone who can guide your through the process of knowing yourself so much better.

I don't think it's a coincidence you never mention friends, or activities who are close enough to consult, and bounce ideas off.

I don't see a trusted older guy in your life, and that's an impression I keep getting by what you write. So while I understand the confusion, I always tell people that its not the situation with a partner that defines us, it's the relationship with ourselves that does. People who know what, and who they are, and what they stand for, seldom will fall for just anything, nor be sidetracked by the emotional drama and shortcomings of others.

That's where I think your sitting now, making something that looks good on paper, into more than it is, because another has convinced you its working when it 's really not working for you.

Remember back when I said that a guy goes fishing for 3 days? It s not about the fish, its about letting the mind clear, and the emotional dust to settle. Its to get back in touch with reality, and yourself. Right now your convinced what she wants is what you want, but are not separating the two, to see how that works.

You will get there though, even if it does take a few more pages.

Very true Tal-cant rep yet-I think some counseling and some 'Larken'-time,whether its fishing or kayaking would be a great idea.

It is a mutual dependency thing,which ,of course is never healthy.

What you're saying is that I am hiding myself from myself to please the image I want to see.

The dogs have never met, but my dog won't be coming with me, my parents are far to attached to her.

By trusted older guy are you talking like my father? My step-dad? Well trusted is something I do not consider my stepdad on this issue. My real dad however I would listen to. He is afraid to tell me what he thinks about this though, as I stopped seeing him over religon when I was 16. We have since patched things up, and I totally regret the choice I made on that one. He is the one person I have always been able to turn to. Now though I just don't feel like I can turn to him.

I have to look at who I am, and who I want to be. I need to learn to love myself and be myself. I need to have my needs met, and I need to know just what my needs are.

I haven't even been in a long term relationship that has lasted this long before. Usually the girl cheats on me way before now. Nice huh. There is another piece to the puzzle for you lol. The reason for my depression. Every girlfriend I have ever had Save 3 have cheated on me at one point or another no matter how serious we were. I have dated almost 30 girls in my short life by the way. The pieces just keep falling into place.

Well thus you can see what keeps me in this relationship so strongly. She isn't a cheater. I know that not all girls are, but all my age seem to love cheating on me. So I decide to go older, I went after her, and I got her. She doesn't cheat, even if she isn't fair. Or nice all the time. Oh, and unlike another ex she doesn't hit me either. That's a huge plus.

Cat, you're right, things haven't ever really been "Ours". That's something that is going to change right now. I need things to be ours, not hers, not mine. Our communication skills still suck though too, we're on different wave links.

I can't remember what else I was going to say... Sorry.

Have you ever sat back and analyzed WHY the majority of relationships you've had end in you being cheated on etc.

Might be time for some self reflection to see if there's a problem that you bring to the table that initiates this type of behaviour , and if so work on it.

I just don't see how being with someone just because you think there's less chance that she'll stray is Love , besides you don't know for sure that she won't.

Just some things to ponder.

What you're saying is that I am hiding myself from myself to please the image I want to see.

What I meant was you're a young guy who is learning without guidance, or the proper support system in place. You are very imbalanced socially from what I see, and have little objective input from outside of yourself.

Given what you have been through, you seem to have taken the lessons to be learned, and cast them aside, or are ignoring them, because maybe your choices where not that great

If you have encountered 27 cheaters to partner with? That's truly unbelievable, and an honest self evaluation is long overdue. I mean the common denominator for your life experiences is YOU, and the path you take. It's the same for us all.

This girlfriend/fiance is an improvement over the past girlfriends/fiances because she doesn't cheat on you or physically abuse you?

She just emotionally abuses you?

Have you ever simply sat back and read what you have written? If you do I think you'll see what everyone else sees.

How many of these cheaters/abusers have you been involved with?

What you are saying is, you would rather be abused and made a fool of than to be cheated on.
She takes your money runs your life and treats you with disrespect, and you would rather have that than a cheater? What you are doing is settling for what you think is the lesser of two evils. This lady is not a prize.

I don't think you are emotionally ready for a relationship because you are not ready to face yourself and deal with what's there, and until that happens you are not going to be a happy person, and you are not going to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

She just emotionally abuses you?



Judy makes a very good point here.

She definitely has abused you emotionally and as stated earlier in this thread she was virtually blackmailing you with emotional threats if you didn't help her with the rent etc.

This has seemed to have subsided somewhat but only AFTER you put your foot down from the advice you got here , will it last , Geez I'm not so sure to be honest.

This has seemed to have subsided somewhat but only AFTER you put your foot down from the advice you got here , will it last , Geez i'm not so sure to be honest.

That is what I am waiting to see. I don't know if it will last. She knows that I am fed up with that treatment so she has stopped for the time being. However if we were to wed what would happen? The saying that people change after marriage isn't that far off base, but its more like people revert in my opinion. I need to know that the change in her is going to stick for good, not just until the ring goes on. And I am not willing to enter into a marriage with someone I am not sure of. I have told her this too. So I guess we are taking it one day at a time.

Tal, that was very very well put.


What will last is my foot being put down, slammed down if need be. I will not allow it. There is no place for that in my life.

If you were my son, and I'm old enough to be your father, I would advise you to wait AT LEAST 5 years before you even THINK about being married. Take some time to have fun, and learn about yourself. Date, but nothing serious.

In a sense, you are still a child looking for acceptance.

If a man was constantly getting bitten by dog, after dog, after dog, I would recommend starting with a hampster.

When I was your age, I took time to play. And play I did. I have no regrets. Well... that's a different thread.

I SMELLED the roses, but did not run nakedly through the thorns.

You are the first "little pig" who is building his house of straw.

Wait until you get some bricks.

You will be a bitter old man unless you take the time you need to have fun, and just be Joe.

Solo Joe.

And go back to school. Make the most out of your life.

Go talk to your biological Father.

I sure wish I could talk to mine.

If you were my son, and I'm old enough to be your father, I would advise you to wait AT LEAST 5 years before you even THINK about being married. Take some time to have fun, and learn about yourself. Date, but nothing serious.

In a sense, you are still a child looking for acceptance.

If a man was constantly getting bitten by dog, after dog, after dog, I would recommend starting with a hampster.

When I was your age, I took time to play. And play I did. I have no regrets. Well....that's a different thread.

I SMELLED the roses, but did not run nakedly through the thorns.

You are the first "little pig" who is building his house of straw.

Wait until you get some bricks.

You will be a bitter old man unless you take the time you need to have fun, and just be Joe.

Solo Joe.

And go back to school. Make the most out of your life.

Go talk to your biological Father.

I sure wish I could talk to mine.

I was just going to quote the naked through the thorns part because I about choked on my pop over here reading that one. But the entire post is great. Very good points, great analagies and very direct. Well spoken sir.

I think I will take the advice. I know I am dang good looking, I am 24, I deserve a good run at all that life has to offer me before I settle down. I deserve to see what's out there, who is out there, and what they can offer in the way of fun. There is time to look for a life long mate later. Right now I need to get my life strait and get some money saved, a better car, and a place of my own for once.

The time I was living in that apartment alone was the best month of my life. I could go anywhere or do anything I wanted any time I wanted. God I loved it. I guess this is why I have been feeling so pressured lately, I have been seeing my freedom go right out the window and I am sorry but I am just not ready for that to happen. I do't think it should ever happen. I guess I have been blaming a lot of this on her, when its really my growing frustrations that are causing the issues.

She hasn't changed, I have. Our wants and needs have changed and are no longer the same. She is the same person I met and fell in love with almost 2 years ago, I'm just not the same person I was. She is going to hate me for this, like I was leading her on this whole time. I screwed her life up and now she is going to have to completely fend for herself. I feel so bad, because I know I'm falling out of love with her. I'm already to the point that I don't want to marry her anymore... I just don't want to hurt her now... I don't know what she'll do... She is so tightly bonded to me that ripping myself away like a bandage is going to drive her to desperation.

Do I think she'll kill herself? no. Do I think she will stauk me, call me, write me, beg me, cry those heartbreaking tears, yes. She will fight to get me back. She doesn't want to lose me. I just don't know how to break this to her in a way she will understand and accept. And what will I do for comfort myself? Being alone is not a good idea for me after something like this happens. But staying in the house is a horrible way to do it too. I'll get fat again.

Oh god what the heck do I do? I'm just so scared to break her heart, so scared of hurting her and the kids. Though speaking of them, I should get out before I get further attached... :( but Macey and Alex... They mean the world to me... This is not fair!!


So lost




So very very lost...

And scared...

And angry at myself... I let this go on too long... I'm a bad person for this...

You're not a bad person,you're human-as we all are.

Your feelings have changed and you should act accordingly.

Of course it's a tough decision,
But you can't drag this out anylonger.

That's not fair on any of the people involved.

Call your Dad and talk to him.

Sounds good. That will be a much easier conversation... I just feel so horrible.

That's normal,Joe,so get talking to people-you need face-to-face advice and comfort.

Its about you now,your feelings and your growing as a human being.

You are not responsible for anybody else's happiness.

You are not a bad person. You stayed longer than most.

Her happiness is not your responsibility. Yours is. Go find it.

I'm caught in words. I don't know what to say right now. Sorry, I'll check back later...

You are not a bad person. You are a young man just starting, trying to figure things out.

I doubt she will take it as hard as you think, she knows what's up.

She is not your concern, you are. Do what is right for you and ultimately for her and leave this relationship

She has a job now, she can shop all she wants to, after she pays her own rent.

But it is difficult to decide when your attached to her kids. They do grow on you. Just imagine your own someday though, and that's something to look forward to with the right person. You found her, you will find someone better, because you will be better.So will she.

Geez guy after 27 failed relationships, you should know that all break ups suck, and hurt like hell, but you break up anyway, and cope with the feelings, and move beyond them. By rights you should never have gotten involved with a female that was divorced, and living with another guy in the first place, but you will learn sooner, or later to pay attention to obvious red flags, before you cultivate attachments.

After a year or two, you should be already aware of what you like and don't like about your situation, and it sounds to me like you are seeing more reasons not to stay, than to stay, as you have had enough of a preview of what life will be like if you stay.

I just don't see you marrying someone that's not as committed to you as you are to them. I just don't see that happening.

Just so you know, love is a verb, that describes actions, not a noun, to describe a feeling.

Wow tal, that last line was like insprational and stuff. You should use that as your quote.

Yeah I do know break ups suck, too bad I'm usually the one on the receiving end of it. Here we go, after today's hike, I guess I have to talk to her about this... I guess I got to leave... this sucks...

OK I need some tips here. I want to be gental with this, Remember that I do love her and I want her to understand the reasons. I just know that it isn't going to work out. I am not going to do this on a work night for her, she is going to need the night off.

You need to be gentle with yourself-breaking up is a tough thing to do-there is never a 'right' moment,but you have to bite the bullet and just do it.

As for understanding reasons,the main thing is that you understand what you are doing.

Thanks. I think I know how I'll tell her. I'm hoping she takes it better than I think she will. But I know she is going to cry for hours. Can I be there for her for that part?

thanks. I think I know how i'll tell her. I'm hoping she takes it better than i think she will. But I know she is going to cry for hours. Can I be there for her for that part?

Be very careful that you don't feed into her reaction. She may not fall apart as much as you think she will unless she thinks it will have an affect on you.

Do try to make the break as clean and quick as possible.

All right... I'm just nervous. I have never done this and did so without becoming mortal enemies with my ex.. That is something I don't want.

Two mature people can end a relationship without becoming enemies.

Don't allow her reaction to suck you back in, but she may not even react in the way you think.

She is going to say that she "will change". She won't.

She will promise that things are "going to get better". They won't.

She is going to play the sympathy card. Our sympathy, here, is for you. Not her. Where were her tears when she was arguing over you paying your own MOTHER a little rent money.

Write down all the bad things about this relationship, and memorize the list.

You've made your mind up, stick with the plan.

The bottom line is that you are a young man, go live your life.

Go make some memories.

The world is an amazing place. Go enjoy it.

Do you want a smile on your face, or do you want a grimace?

276 and counting...

Joe,

There really is no good way to break up with someone, and for some reason my heart goes out to her. However, when a relationship is not meant to be, it's just not meant to be.

I wish this breakup could be easy for you. I can see that you really care about her and that you don't want to hurt her. Unfortunately this is going to hurt her. Everyone has given you good advice on how to go about doing this.

You are right though, about breaking up with her when she has a day off. That way she can think about things and get herself together.

Again, my heart goes out to you and her, but this too shall pass, and the both of you in time will move on.

Good luck!

I guess I gotta leave... this sucks...
Ya well, when you tell your buddies about the break-up and they say, "hey man you made the right decision, here's to you, lemme buy you a beer" you'll feel a lot better. It's an ego boost when you realize you did the right thing.

Going off what jmjoseph said, stick to your guns. It would be in your best interest to speak your piece and leave immediately before she can convince you change your mind (it happens to the best of us). It's time to look out for No. 1, from what I gather, that's what she's been doing throughout the relationship. She earned the caliber of pain she may receive from the break-up, remember that.

I know your heart is in the right place slapshot, but a beer is a bad idea for me. I have an addictive personality and the last thing I want to do is have a been to feel better. But thanks anyway.

I don't feel like hurting her and I am going to do everything within my power to break this to her as easily as possible. The less she suffers, the less I suffer. And if I explain it right I can do this without too much heart ache. She doesn't know its coming, but she is starting to see the change in me. I am trying to fool her until I can get some alone time with her (just the two of us). Its not working that well.

But my mind is made up, I am leaving and staying gone. That's not hard for me, I can turn off my emotions. Its useful sometimes. So if all else fails I will just become cold and displaced.

Fact of the matter is that we are not right for each other and we have been searching for two different things that neither of us can deliver. And as I have grown I have changed a lot and sadly the change is that I found out how much I like being independent.

Good luck to you!

In WWII, when they dropped the atomic bomb, they didn't hang around to give first aid. They got the @#$% out of there.

I know that may sound cold, but she is going to have you signed up for an extension if you don't extricate yourself from the carnage.

I don't care if it takes the "jaws of life" to get you out of this twisted wreck of a relationship, you get out.

Jm, I understand your point I do. But honestly if we had helped after the atomic bomb, maybe not so many innocent people would have ended up dying from nuclear fallout. Maybe it would have hurt less.

Besides, there are things that will hold us in some type of relationship (not anything more than friends). We have a storage unit down south that I need to clean out. I am going to be nice and bring her stuff up to her storage unit since I am going down there. We are on a version family plan on our cell phones and it would cost her a butt ton of money to cancel one of the lines before the renewal date.

So all that really connects us is a couple of material things, but I do not want to get rid of my phone yet or cost her a ton of money. This will be hard enough on her without her going into debt because of it. I know it sounds like I am being stupid but believe me I can keep my distance from her and I plan to. I may see her once a month just to pay off half the phone bill. Half is all I will pay. She has a job, she can fend for herself now.

I am going to work out a deal with her though. My deal is that if she wants me to bring her stuff back to this state for her, then she needs to give me my kayak before I go. That's all there is going to be to it. Sorry but I want that kayak, it was a gift and I should not have to buy one. And the price she paid for it is nothing compaired to the price it is going to cost me to go get the stuff. Its not a fair trade but like I said, I am going to be very nice with all this.

Tell you what though, I cannot wait to get out there and find a cute girl just to have fun with. Casual dating, not serious crap right now. I can settle down when I'm 30 lol.

Threads merged, and edited.

I have reciently decided that leaving my fiancé of almost 2 years is the best thing for both of us.

I still love her :( and we still have some material things bonding us together. I need to make sure that I keep things calm with her and friendly at least until I can get my stuff and my phone contract is up. I have a feeling she is going to hate me for a few moments and then beg and sob for me to come back the next. The reason I want to leave is simple, love isn't enough. We have tried for months to make it work but we are having to try too hard. I am in no way ready to settle down and I've been feeling trapped because of that and have been lashing out at her.

I do not need advice on what to do with the relationship, I am leaving her! My question, and what I want advice on is this, How do I break up with her and still be friends? Like literally how do I break up with her? What do I say, how do I act and what can I do for her? :confused:

Hi Larken85, if you've really made up your mind to break up with her,then talk to her about it. Tell her your reasons and remain firm, be ready to answer her questions,but make it clear that you are steadfast in your decision.

As with remaining friends, tell her, that you wanted to be friends with her, and really care for her as a person. Also,most likely she is going to need some time away from you and that is completely understandable.Tell her you are ready to give her the space and time she needs to get over the breakup. Remember, that only after a certain amount of NC can you be back to being friends. You can't be friends right away, there should be a proper transition for that and only time can do that.

You also have to respect it IF she chooses not to be your friend in the future, whatever the outcome is, tell her that you will always continue to respect her and care for her.

Oh, and when she demands to go NC on you,then you just have to bear it, you can try contacting her after a few months though, to see how she's doing, and if she relpies to your message..

Thank you spnx. I was reading a few things on Google by searching the exact title of this tread. They pretty much all say the same thing as you did. With the exception of NC but that is a AMHD thing anyway. I hope she takes it OK, I know its going to take her a while to heal. I just hope she doesn't go jumping into another person's arms just for comfort. I know that is not good for her.

You're welcome. NC is best for her though, there's just too much heat after the breakup that trying to establish a friendship right after will just complicate things more. This is based on my experience though, (I never talk to my exes after I break up with them, and they certainly don't talk to me after me dumping them; hmm.. as a dumpee I tried to be friends right away but it backfired,I end up feeling more down than ever so I decided it best to cut contact). I am friends with most of my exes now, but never without that moment of silence called NC. Just saying. :)

Well, I understand that people are unique and handle things differently so yeah... I guess, if she could be your friend, then great! :)

Because there are children involved, when you do tell her that you are leaving, I hope you also speak to the children too. I don't know how old they are, but they will be left with a father figure no longer in the picture.

Try not to say things with a heavy heart. Don't say what you think they want to hear, because they will remember every word you say. If you are unsure of when or if you will visit them for example, don't even bring it up.

I don't know if you have a date in mind, but, if it were me, the day I tell her, would be the day I leave. Have a friend nearby with a truck to move your belongings out, and be done with it.

She seems to do quite well with government assistance, and if they knew you lived there, well, let's just say that that is a bullet you are avoiding. Taxpayers supporting her and her children are one thing, but supporting her and her children while you are providing income and living there doesn't sit too well with most people.

It sounds like you are really worn out trying to please her, financially and otherwise. It will also take you time when you have moved, to recover from the relationship. As bad as some parts were, there were good times too I'm sure. Not to mention the children coming to accept you in their lives as well.

One more thing- I suspect that she won't be totally surprised or off guard when you tell her. All you can do is expect the best, but be prepared for the worst. Don't argue, and try to leave without any bitterness.

Good luck Larken.

As I'm sure that you will, remember to be respectful of her feelings. If you have to say that "it was me, not you", then by all means do that.

Tell her that you have to work on being more mature, and find happiness at all costs.

You are still a young man, a work in progress.

Be strong.

The sooner the better.

Thanks jake... I hope it goes well. I didn't consider having to tell the kids... this is going to be so hard. Maybe getting involved with a woman that has kids is not a good idea for me. I love them all, her, her son, and her daughter.

I'll just tell her daughter than mom and joe are going to just be friends now and that I'll always love her... god this sucks... this sucks so so bad... I wish there was a way around this, a way around seeing them cry. I'm expecting the worst, and preparing for it. If it is better than that at least I will be surprised.

Oh crap I wish I could have someone there to support me, but this is something I am going to have to man up and do I guess. She is never going to believe my reasons. She is going to think there is someone else, which there isn't of course. But the last time I tried to leave there was so now that's all she has to go off. GRRRRRR!!



I just got to calm down and breath. I can get through it, I can do it.

. . . How do i break up with her and still be friends? Like literally how do I break up with her? What do I say, how do I act and what can I do for her? :confused:
Just be honest. She's going to be upset whether you let her down nicely or not. A break-up is a break-up, there ain't a such thing as a "good break-up".

This doesn't have to be any more difficult than it already is. If talking to the kids will be too hard for you, then don't talk to them, let her do it. Talk her in private and then be gone. Like I said, the time has come to look out for yourself.

Don't tell her you want to be friends!. This will give her a reason to contact you and a temptation for you to break NC. Don't even think about it when you're breaking up with her. Your immediate goal is separating yourself from her and healing. Come what may after that.

Larken, when you leave-leave. I know there are some unresolved material issues (this really should be in the other thread, too much background) that need to be taken care of like the items in storage and your insistence at getting a gift that she promised you as well as the phone.

On the phone, do you own the phone or was it part of the plan? If it was part of the plan, give it to her and let her decide what to do with it. Get yourself a new one that is not attached to someone else's plan.

On the storage, you will need to discuss what is going to happen to the storage contract. She can either choose to keep paying storage on her stuff after yours is removed or you can show that you are willing to part on amicable terms by offering to deliver her things when you pick up your own. NO HOLDING THEM HOSTAGE for a 'gift' you haven't received.

On the 'gift', she still hasn't given it to you so it still isn't 'yours'. Being told about it is not the same as receiving it. Don't act like a spoiled child who hasn't gotten his way if you don't get it. Let it go with all of her other promises that never came through. You are breaking up. Holding on to the 'gift' could very easily become part of holding on to the relationship.

On how to tell her, be open and honest about being at different stages in your lives. DO NOT say let's be friends (read the threads on post-relationship friendships and how most don't seem to work out when there has been this much pain involved). Have your things already packed and out of her apartment. Keep the discussion short and to the point. DO NOT hold her or dry her tears. From what you have said about her before, possibly be ready to duck.

On the children, this is the one point where it isn't all about you. IF at all possible (after breaking up with her it might not be), follow Jake's advice. As the child who had 'girlfriends' go in out of her dad's life, I can tell you that being left with the feeling you are the cause of the break up-even if you aren't-stays with you for years. Also, you giving them reassurance that they aren't the reason will mitigate anything that she says after you are gone that could make them feel worse.

Good luck, Larken.

Trying to be friends after being lovers is one of the hardest things to do. Its like being demoted at work, when you know you are you are fully qualified, then finding out they hired some dumba-- to replace you. Anger, resentment, and jealousy quickly set in, in turn making you both feel like crap.

Like the others have said, be straight up with her, don't sugar coat it, say goodbye to the kid, and WALK AWAY! It's the only way. With time everything will return to a somewhat normal state.

My rule when it's over? I don't want to be your enemy. I don't want to be your friend. I want you to be someone I used to know.

You and this girlfriend/fiance are going to remain friends?

Not such a good idea because she apparently has a lot of control over you.

#283 and counting.

I think you are finding all of these reasons to talk yourself out of it.
Get another phone, that is simple. Get your stuff out of storage. She was making it before you came along, she has a job, she will probably do better than you financially.
How often were you around the kids? I know you didn't live there.
She is going to mad either way. Nobody likes to be dumped, but she'll get over it.

You tell her things are not working you don't have the same feelings for her and it's best that you two part. Then you leave.
I have a feeling she already knows her time is up anyway. The woman is not stupid.

I think it is possible to be friends after being lovers, but you two had way too much drama going on while you were lovers so I don't see that happening with you two, plus she knows how to work you.
Make a solid break!

A little fyi on the phone bill thing. Instead of tying yourself to her from a phone bill, take the Early Term. Fee in the butt, and split. You're looking for things to keep her in your life and close to her without being with her.

Sprint will give her a line of service. They go based on Credit score. So no, she won't go into debt for a cell phone. Unless of coarse she's going to abuse the system.. which many people do.

1. please don't start new threads that should have just been your old thread that was added to.

She is not innocent. It is not like your trying to save somebody who is innocent, because quite frankly she is not.

There is no nice way to break up with someone, there is no guarantee of continued friendship. Although in my opinion in some cases especially this one. There is no need to continue so called friendship because you will continue to let her do whatever she wants and you will continue to let her take advantage of you.

Whether being friends or girlfriend or whatever you may call it.

I am not going to let her take advantage of me anymore. I broke up with her last night, as nice as possible but she and I have decided to keep our distance from one another.

Its for the best, and I am going to be a much happier person because of this. Not to mention I will be able to afford my own life again. Thank god on that one. Thanks to all of your advice and continued support through this time. It has been hard on me and the hardest is yet to come, but so long as I stick to my guns I can pull through it and end up a better person because of it.

I am glad that you finally ended it with her. I think you will ultimately find yourself much healthier without all of the stress.

Good luck. :)

Good luck from me too, although breaking up and actually breaking free are two different things.

I hope you have a plan in place to move out sooner rather than later. Hanging around will only make it harder on everyone, especially the children.

I'm glad you made this move and I hope you stick to it.
You will hurt for a time but I think you will heal quicker than you realised you could. You will be a happier person without that baggage.

I'm not one to use the "ball and chain" analogy often. BUT, this relationship has held you down for too long.

Go enjoy your twenties. I know I sure did.

Good luck to the both of you.

Thanks everyone. Finally free and it feels much better than I thought it would. I can do what I want when I want, how nice it is.

I am not living there, the kids don't see me, and my money is my money. Except for the fact that I stayed on her phone plan because I don't want to stick her with a $360 early cancelation fee. Even though it would be cheaper to pay it off myself...

She called me today and decided to begin verbally assulting me so I just hung up on her and told her not to call me unless she could respect me more. Every time she gets close to sounding like she may be thinking about fixing it I just make the conversation turn the opposite direction. If she does ever ask if we can get back together, I'm simply going to say no. There is no point in being with her, I was miserable comparatively speaking.

LOL... your starting to sound like us from your first thread Larken ;)


Good for you Buddy , it's for the best .

I really should have listened to you all much sooner. Guess I will trust in the mob a little more huh? Anyway, there it is, a thread with a happy ending lol. I can't wait for my first check that is ALL MINE! :) :D

Good for you man, your story was like the perfect storm but you finally got out and now your in the sun good job and stick to what your doing.

Hey Joe,go enjoy your life!

Being single and in your midtwenties-great!

Take no insults from the ex-I would NC her.

I should NC her, and I will if she doesn't level out like real soon. I know she has to vent her sadness some how and I accept that she is ticked off at me. But like I said, she had better find a better path to vent on or I will NC her and you better believe that I am not doing another single thing for her.

What makes her the most mad (and me the most happy) is that I don't bow down to her anymore. She tried to tell me that I would be responsible for the cell phone bill if I didn't pay her (I said "um, no, I am on no contract by name and you are the person that has the name on the bill. That would be all you so I am doing you a favor so you better start being a little nicer to me.")

She tried to tell me that I couldn't hold her storage unit for randsome and of course I can't but I told her that if she does not give me my kayak before I go down to get my stuff I am going to leave her stuff down there (in kentucky) and shift the bill over to her name (as we are both on the bill on that one :D) because I will not pay for storage that I have nothing in. So "You can be appreciative of the fact that I am willing to go down and get your stuff for you and unload it into your storage unit for you and just give me my freakin kayak." she got all angry with me and said "Fine, I don't want the stupid thing anyways, I have no use for it." I replied, "alright, but remember I said before I go, and thats a few weeks away." She was still kind of fussing a bit and I said, "T. Stop it, you need to realize that I am just trying to be nice and the cost of that Kayak is about 1/3 of the cost this trip is going to cost me if i bring your stuff back for you. So it isn't too much to ask in my opinion and I have to ask for it before I go because otherwise I have no guarentee that you will actually ever give it to me and then I just did all that work for nothing, like usual." She got really angry there and tried telling me I was this and that but ultimately (seeing that I wasn't giving in to her) she agreed to my terms.

I will go through with it too, I am going to get my stuff but it I do not have my kayak before I go I will not bring her crap back with me. It will save me a lot of money not to get her crap too, but like I said, I am nice. I don't think its too much to ask for a little payment though. I know I should go NC, and I pretty much have, but she still calls me and I am not rude enough to just not answer. I have no issue hanging up on her butt though.

It would be an odd twist of fate but maybe, just maybe we weren't held together by love at all, but by a strong feeling of obligation. Because I am finding it hard to feel anything good towards her now that I am not with her. I just don't care for her company at all you know. And when she calls I sigh and roll my eyes because I just don't want to talk to her. I don't know, but I think I am just so totally relieved because I was serving her for so long that it was killing me.

OMG and she said "I got a new job..." bla bla bla "Well someone has to pay the bills!" totally serious sounding. I replied, "I know I was just a paycheck to you!" She shut up after that.

Please don't make the mistake and turn her into your enemy.

I know its self rewarding to finally throw a few punches, but two wrongs don't make a right.

Say your peace, then leave. Don't ever talk to her again. Once you two have separated the phone bill and the storage unit, you have no REASON to ever answer her calls again.

I know you want to be nice.. I know you want to stand up for yourself after however long your supression was... but don't make her your enemy. It feels good now, but later you'll regret being so mean to her, even though she is kind of mean to you. I believe its not in your nature. Going against your nature never pans out good.

But congrats on finally leaving her. You made a smart move. I'd buy you a beer if I could! :) :)

There is no reason for you to be talking to her at all.
Are you holding out on this Kayak thing and talking to her in hopes she will say what you want her to say?
Why can you not just do what you have to do with the storage without the back and forth with her? Holding her things hostage is rather childish.
I'm thinking you have not let go yet.

Now that you have made up your mind, and done what you had to for yourself, handle the rest of your business and make this a clean break by disappearing from her life, and being unavailable for any more haggling.

The END is THE END!!

Yep, stop the bickering with her over "stuff" You are out, now stop going back and forth with her.
She is going to end up sucking you back in.

Let the kayac go. It is a small price to pay.

Get only your own stuff out of storage, and let her worry about her stuff.

Stop negotiating with her. It seems that you have the hammer now, and you are enjoying using it.

You owe her nothing, she owes you nothing.

Stuff is stuff, one lousy kayac is an excuse to keep mixing it up with her.

Let her cry on somebody else's shoulder, she's a grown women with kids. She does not need you anymore, and more importantly, you do not need her.

You're either serious or you aren't. When you change the storage unit over to her name, send her a registered letter giving her the information. Stick to the facts.

Then, go out and buy yourself a nice new kayac.

The kayak is also mentioned in another thread. Enough with the kayac, already.

#313 - is there still a second thread about the break up? If so, should they be combined?

The kayak is also mentioned in another thread. Enough with the kayac, already.

#313 - is there still a second thread about the break up? If so, should they be combined?

I believe they have been combined

I hoped so! Thanks. (I didn't want to read through - again.)

There is no reason for you to be talking to her at all.
Are you holding out on this Kayak thing and talking to her in hopes she will say what you want her to say?
Why can you not just do what you have to do with the storage without the back and forth with her? Holding her things hostage is rather childish.
I'm thinking you have not let go yet.

No no, its not childish. Why would I bring her her stuff? The storage unit is in both of our names and it's a 10 hour trip when not towing anything. I don't want to get her stuff for her and with the money Id save I could buy myself a new kayak. However, I have a kayak that I can get for free so why not make that deal?

I am so not holding on to her, I will never go back to her. I don't think there is any reason we cannot be civil to one another though, espeically since we are still connected by a phone bill and storage unit. I do not want to pay the early termination fee, its too expensive and the storage unit is something I am soul paying for. By the way I have less than 2% of the stuff in the storage unit that is actually mine. This is why I want to get my crap out of there and kill off the storage unit bill. She has an almost empty unit up here that all of the stuff will fit in so it might as well get up here. So to do that for her and make it cheaper on her, I will accept the Kayak as payment. If she does not pay me, I will not do it. That's all there is to it.

I do not want to make her my enemy, She is a good person overall. So we are trying to be civil. Whenever relationship talk comes up I shut her out and tell her to leave it alone. There is no point in talking about it any more, we both have had our closure.


OK OK, I guess I will give up on the kayak and just drop her... how annoying... I don't want to do that but I know that you guys are right... if nothing else this thread has certainly shown that much. I will listen to you, I will go totally NC with her... I don't want to be sucked back in and I am not going to get that way. Darn it, oh well, its just a kayak after all

If you are serious about this being over, handle your business so there can be a real No Contact. That makes all shared material things done away with in an acceptable manor, so the break can be clean, if not civil.

She can pay for her storage and phone for that matter, and you can get your own kayak, someday on your own.

These are but small details in a much bigger picture. For now its time to mourn, heal, and accept, so you move beyond this chapter in your life.

All right Tal, I get it. I will do what you suggest. Since you are all the voices of experience talking, I wll listen and do what you say. I'm sure it will be for the best, as usual.

If you have to pay and go no contact do it. Consider it as a one time cost. Look how much money you will be saving, you won't be giving her money for rent anymore or potentially paying her alimony and child support. I think you got a great deal now. So pay and get out and reap the reward.

As far as the phone goes I think we are all missing the obvious. Give the phone back to her, she doesn't have to use it if she doesn't want to pay the termination fee. There is nothing in the contract that says that you must use a certain number of minutes per month. Just give it back to her and let her do with it as she chooses.

Joe, as far as your own phone goes, I understand you work security at a hospital, correct me if I am wrong, but if you are employed by that hospital, most hospitals have discount phone plans with certain companies. A company here in my area AT&T gives a 24% discount to our hospital employees.

Now, for the kayak... have you even ever seen it? Does it actually exist?

The relationship won't come to an end as long as there are two people communicating over a phone bill, a kayac, and a storage unit full of stuff.

Put the phone in a box, along with a registered letter, and post it to her. The letter only has to say that you are no longer responsible for the phone, or the phone bill. If the phone bill is in your name (I can't remember), phone the company that has the contract, and tell them you wish to cancel. Yes, it might cost you a few bucks, but you need to get rid of the phone.

Pick up your own stuff, and let her worry about her stuff, that would be the stuff in the storage unit. Again, have a letter in hand for the owners of the unit, saying that you have removed your belongings, and are cancelling the contract. Make sure you are paid up. Then enclose the key. Add her name, phone number, and address. If I'm not mistaken, these units are on a month to month basis. If I'm wrong, phone them and see how you get out of the contract.

Some people are held together with mortgages, lines of credit, car payments, kids and support payments, credit card debt, investments, and lawnmowers.

You have none of that to worry about.

Consider yourself lucky, and cut the very weak links to this woman.

Jake, great advice as usual. J_9 I do not work directly for the hospital, however I do have an id badge stating that I do (of course) and I can slip by with that. However in my area there are these $50/month unlimited everything plans for Boost Mobile and Sprint. They are 3 times cheaper than Version with their unlimited talk/ text. Its bull crap that we are paying this much. But yeah, I have no direct ties to pay for this, so I guess I will just hand it back to her. She just got yet another bomb awesome job so she can afford it by herself. Also, the storage unit is in my name first however we are both on the month to month contract so I can simply remove my address from the list and the bill will automatically be sent to her. I will do the certified letter stating that I no longer own anything in the storage unit so I am not liable for anything else in there and that I am cutting my name off the lease. That'll do the trick.

Kayaks are not all that expensive, so I can get one by myself. That's annoying but I guess my friends here are 99% likely to have given the best advice possible and those odds seem right to me. So I guess that's what I will have to do. Thanks again everyone