Me and my husband have a bank acct. together, and one day he got mad at me, and took my card away from me, he's the primary holder on the acct. because he's had this acct. for say like 13 yrs. But any way he got mad at me and took the card away, that was like three yrs. Ago, but now he wants us to have a savings acct. together, in his acct. but I'm not going to put my money in that acct. if I don't have an ATM Card, yes my name is still on the acct. but I would have to go inside to get money, and No he did not say anything about giving me another card, 'What would you say or do if you we're in my shoes, I need some advice?"

I don't agree with keeping finances joint. Then again, I am quite prudent but I think you need to be this day in age.

So my answer would be to say No, I would not. Besides, he has already shown you that joint accounts do not work, at least in this case by taking the ATM card off you 3 years ago.

Then again, if he wants it in your name also just so that you can go in and get money out and you won't be putting your own money in, then I don't see a major problem with this.

Seems like he just does not trust you with an ATM card..

I am of the belief that in this day and age we should have our own accounts and keep them separate perhaps setting up a budget one that you both put an agreed amount into for housekeeping and bill paying etc.

I have also told people who are struggling in the marriage to have a separate and private savings account for emergencies - like needing to leave unexpectedly for whatever reason.

I think the inability to work out joint finances is a reflection of a relationship that doesn't communicate, compromise and cooperate very well. What we do with our money (good and bad) is frequently exactly what we do with other signifcant things like our hearts or sex even! LOL

I think you have a very uneven relationship that will beg to have that worked on again and again, not just in the money department but other places too--- over time. As life teaches, deal with it now or deal with it later -- but you will be dealing with it. But that is the least of your problems Chirley...

... since I thought you were leaving him??

Originally Posted by chirleyrene: I've talked to a couple of Lawyers, that told me good advice, I'm only in that house right now with him and his Zoo, because I need to save two checks which is only going to take two weeks, from there on I'll be free of headache, and finally I'll be able to relax, I'M NEVER EVER AGAIN MARRYING NO ONE!!

PS - Call me old fashioned but I think if you are in an intimate relationship with someone who, when the chips are down, you will mistrust so much that a secret account is necessary, then you perhaps shouldn't be involved at all. That hits me as relationship by way of desperation and I have yet to see those work out.

I am of the belief that in this day and age we should have our own accounts and keep them separate perhaps setting up a budget one that you both put an agreed amount into for housekeeping and bill paying etc.

I have also told people who are struggling in the marriage to have a separate and private savings account for emergencies - like needing to leave unexpectedly for whatever reason.


You are totally right, I agree and thank you,

"PS - Call me old fashioned but I think if you are in an intimate relationship with somone who, when the chips are down, you will mistrust so much that a secret account is necessary, then you perhaps shouldn't be involved at all. That hits me as relationship by way of desperation and I have yet to see those work out."

I agree. And that's what I thought when I read her post - that the marriage was already in trouble. In some cases it is difficult to get out, especially where children are involved. I stand by advising people to have some money for emergencies. I came from a very abusive and violent home. Not saying that is the situation here but it makes all the difference in the world to be prepared - to have an action plan.

I think the inability to work out joint finances is a reflection of a relationship that doesn't communicate, compromise and cooperate very well. What we do with our money (good and bad) is frequently exactly what we do with other signifcant things like our hearts or sex even! LOL

I think you have a very uneven relationship that will beg to have that worked on again and again, not just in the money department but other places too--- over time. As life teaches, deal with it now or deal with it later -- but you will be dealing with it. But that is the least of your problems Chirley...

.... since I thought you were leaving him????


PS - Call me old fashioned but I think if you are in an intimate relationship with somone who, when the chips are down, you will mistrust so much that a secret account is necessary, then you perhaps shouldn't be involved at all. That hits me as relationship by way of desperation and I have yet to see those work out.


I really couldn't tell you why I'm still there? Scared No? Because I'm stessing myself more and more being there, I'm just praying to God right now and asking him to let me see his way, but thank you for this advice

Well never mind any advice from me-- what do I know having overcome a great deal and ending up married for a some time now and happily most of the time too? Or any of the rest of us like that here. LOL

Abusive relationships only need one thing -- to end as soon as possible and at any expense. There is so much help available in the world that playing the helpless card is more an indication of a person's reluctance to be helped than anything. And that is why many people have some of the problems they do -- they ask for it. While I am not sympathetic to their phoney victimhood, I am sympathetic that they choose the problem rather than the solution. It makes the difference between being an enabler or being empathetic.

Edited after the comment was added: Of course! Did I suggest it was easy? Its just that having overcome a great deal myself, and seeing many others do the same-- I see that it is doable. And doable is hope. Doable is solution. The alternative is to buy into the helplessness and enlarge suffering and how is that kindness in the long run?

Obtain a separate account under your name only at a different bank. This will help with obtain credit from the bank later.

We have separate account at different banks, credit from the bank is easier for me at the bank I am with, and the bank she with she has credit.

Hello again Chirl, I see your still hanging in there, Just so we are on the same page, https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-should-do-im-ready-leave-41983.html Knowing you are probably out of there (so you said) its only wise to keep your finances to yourself and obviously he is still in the dark as to yor intentions. You will have access to his money ,but he doesn't have the same options. You really do have him by the short hairs here.