New to the site . Just have heard that there some good advise .
Ok . Is it possible to be totally in love w/ two people? One being your spouse and the other a friend ?

Yes, in which case most people probably exercise some discreet discipline by quietly focusing their spouse and distancing the friend a bit.

New to the site . Just have heard that there some good advise .
Ok . Is it possible to be totally in love w/ two people? One being your spouse and the other a friend ?
I love my husband dearly . I also love his boyfriend . But in totally different ways . I am having issues hurting the other man . When I am w/ my husband my attention and love is all his . The same for the one . Any advise ?

Your greater loyalty is obviously to your husband at this point. If you wish to pursue his best friend, you have something of an obligation to him to be honest and request a divorce. Though, in which case you will undoubtedly destroy their friendship. Is it really worth that?
His best friend as well, needs to consider the feelings of your husband. Otherwise he's not really much of a friend at all, to either of you.

Be aware that this could ultimately backfire on you as well. A famous example...
Have you ever heard the song "Layla" by Derek and The Dominoes? This song was written about Eric Clapton's feelings for George Harrison's then wife. Ultimately their friendship endured, and the wife was left out in the cold.

You say that you love your husband and his best friend but in totally different ways. Do these totally different ways both involve sex. If it didn't I could see how you might love two men differently and it work out if the husband liked the guy enough to feel the same way about him as you do. But when you bring sex into the equation you are only butting a time on the entire situation. Sooner or later it is all going to explode.

Be careful you canot have your cake and eat it to. Someone will get hurt and that someone may be you

I love my "best friend" who is a guy (been my best friend since school) but that's what it is: FRIEND. I KNOW that probably, if I wanted, I could have taken it further (he's single and I'm married), but I don't see the point in ruining a MARRIAGE and a friendship. THe situation has never arose because I SET BOUNDARIES THAT ARE UNSPOKEN AND UNDERSTOOD. If I'm to the point of seeking a "relationship" with another man, I'll leave my husband FIRST out of sheer respect for him. My friend is just as much my husband's friend as mine, so that's where our situation is similar. I think that if you were happy and/or content, you would have never been in this position to let this happen. Men will not pursue a married woman (especially their best friends' wife) unless they feel the signal of the "green light" from her (I'm sure there's exceptions, but this is my opinion).

Remember, there's HONOR in stepping up to the plate in an unhappy relationship WITHOUT having someone on the back burner. You don't have to have someone waiting on standby for when things get sour... Im assuming you're maybe having problems that haven't surfaced? Look deep within yourself to figure this out instead of someone else, trust me, I'm "one of the guys" (normally)----most of the guys talk to me and my husband like I'm not even a female about these kind of things. What I've gathered from years of these conversations is that guys who have "shared" the same woman (regardless of nature--sexual or not)... ESPECIALLY if they're best friends they will stick together a lot better than with a woman/partner who's not loyal.

So my answer is yes, you can love 2 men in different ways, but only appropriate ways. And if it were appropriate, you probably wouldn't be seeking advice. Rember, there's HONOR in loyalty, and if you can't be loyal, be HONEST.

As long as you respect the boundries of marriage and friendship you can not only love many people, but can enjoy these relationships forever, with No guilt or baggage, or drama. The best of ALL worlds.

Thank you all for your advise. It really help me think . Although as of right now I am torn. Yes sex has happened w/ the boyfriend, but... it is almost like when I am with him , it is only him . At the same time I have my life w/ my husband ( which is wonderful , practically a perfect life. ) and when I am home w/ my 4 kids , it is only them .
We all have been friends for many many years so this nonthing that has just came up. I believe it is true and I am confused. Thank you all for your advise.

Marlene1 I have two "do nots" for you if you want to keep a happy marriage and not a mixed up life that you are living now.
The first "Do Not" is to never tell your husband or any one else that you two have had sex, No one.
The second "Do Not" Ever put yourself in a situation where you and the Bf are together alone Call the BF and tell him that things are over, there will be no more sex, no more crying on each others shoulders, nothing that would put you in a close one on one situation with him.
Then go to your husband and tell him how good of a guy he is for treating you as well as he does.

So you have had an affair with your husbands best friend? Or at least cheated on your husband?
Nice lady.

I feel sorry for your husband and your 4 kids.

Your confused all right. Your confused as to how to act properly as a wife and as a dignified person.

You'll get no sympathy here for cheating and no one will encourage you to continue to "love" both people. And When I say "love" I mean sleep with the pair of them. Because you sure as hell aren't acting like you love either of them! Especially your husband!

Uuuggh... Frankly your act makes me sick and if going home to your poor husband and 4 kids doesn't make you feel guilty enough to stop what you are pursuing and wake up to yourself then you as a person also make me sick!

Good luck. I hope you see some light!

Yes, in which case most people probably exercise some discreet discipline by quietly focussing their spouse and distancing the friend a bit.
Whoosh, the sound that remark made going right over your head Marlene. I see that now.

This is not love that you are seeking or talking about here, honey-- its neediness to be affirmed taking the shortest path it can find to get you a temporary fix at any expense. The really sad thing is this though -- the hole you feel inside won't be filled that way. If you don't get some help, you will eventually have to have more and more just to keep it all even. Do everyone a big favor, especially yourself, and seek professional help. Tell your husband its for depression or anything you like but seek it now. You are in more trouble than you realise and I really do know what I am talking about. Cheaters of your type cannot stop without help and they rarely get help. Beat the odds on this and get help before you lose everything and everyone who is important to you.

Looks at Wildcat and says I know but they are not all like this...

Wow, Do not even attempt in doing something, your best friend now is your pillow, think about that situation before you go to bed, is it worth it? Would you leave everything to follow your husband's best friend and later what , who else are you going to follow? because I tell you if you do it , you will get used to it and to be unfaithful for you will be like eating candy

"Whoosh" is the sound of it circling the bowl. I hate to be crude -- but four kids? Think of the children first, as your husband at least has the pending option of a divorce.
I agree with what Val said. Quantity is not equivalent to quality. More is not the answer. Appreciate what you obviously have, while still you "possess" it. Often the more we seem to have, the less we truly value things.

Thanks for the deception, coming here and asking a simple question, then dropping a bombshell like INFIDELITY,(cheating ) Your bad.
You are sick and need professional care.
Your husband should not suffer your sickness
Your husbands best friend is not his friend
You are helping him make a big fool of your husband and your children
Your children deserve a real woman for a mother

I'm not going to judge ,or call names (Though you deserve a good cussing out, for sure.) because life will do that for me, so get help while you can because what goes around comes around, and the universe will balance itself out.

OMFG the grass is always green on the other side until you get there. Wanting what you cann't have is a want not a need. Know the difference between a want and need! Plus if it is there friend, they should know where to cross the line (or not cross it) this is not the movies guys.

Something's to think about.

1. How would you feel if your husband left you?
2. How would you feel if he took the kids?
3. Where does your husband's best friend's loyalty lie?
4. Can you handle the fall out of the situation that you created?

Losing your husband, children, and "bed buddy" are all a real possibility. Prepare yourself

OMFG the grass is always green on the other side until you get there.

Is anyone still familiar with the title of the Erma Bombeck book, "The Grass Is Always Greener Over The Septic Tank"? It is food for thought, for sure.

As well, there is a very relevant and cherished chapter in the Tao Te Ching regarding such related matters:

"Let there be small countries with few people.
Let the people have no use for complicated machinery.
Let them be mindful of death so that they
don't move too far from their birthplaces.
If there are boats and carriages,
let there be nowhere to take them to.
If there are weapons,
let there be no occasion to display them.
Let the people's responsibilities be few
enough that they may remember them
by knotting a string.
Let them enjoy their food,
be content with their clothes,
be satisfied with their homes,
and take pleasure in their customs.
Though the next country may be close enough
to hear the barking of its dogs and the
crowing of its rooster, let the people
grow old and die without feeling compelled
to visit it."

The general point being that, peace begins at home and within. The further you stray in your search for such, the more likely you will become lost, or encounter confusion and disappointment.
Or more simply, as the last paragraph succinctly states, "...the crowing of its rooster..." -- no good can ever come of envying your neighbor's c*ck! :eek: :D
Okay, that's my final say. I hope... :rolleyes:

She won't be back.S he came here looking for sympathy and reassurance and we she got the responses she so justifiably deserved she decided to leave and never return. I hope she proves me wrong but we see it all the time. They want to hear certain answers to make them feel better and when they don't get them they simply look elsewhere for the until someone tells them what they want to hear.

So prove me wrong OP and come back and face then music and let these great people help you be an honest and loving mother and wife.

How to deal with the feelings??

Go home and look at your husband and 4 kids and consider your life without them.

Does that change your feelings??

Well.. not really helpful in anyway. And no Im not looking for sympathy at all. Just maybe a little advise on how to deal w/ the feelings . As I stated earlier , I have NEVER had any feelings for another man besides the boyfriend after 14ys.
Are these the feelings your dealing with?

Guilt
Betraying your husband
Betraying your kids
Betraying yourself
Cheating on a good man
Endangering the security of your children
Adultry
Selfishness
Let me know just what feelings you mean and I will try to help. Skells' idea is an excellent one.

A normal person would feel all these things I'm sure Tal.

But then again people who justify cheating aren't normal!

Skell: yes all the above I feel . Honestly except the adultery . And by no means do I feel selfish... if anything I feel as if I am giving so much of myself to everyone else soon there will nothing left. Can't explain why , I guess to me ( which under the circumstances isn't much ) I have loved our boyfriend for many years . It isn't for the fun, the snickning around or anything like that . And as far as my children I am a wonderful mother to them. They are my #1. But I know w/o them there would be no husband . I will say that in the last few days I have talked w/ our boyfriend about some things and he is beyond understanding what he is doing to both my husband and myself. So I am making progress. Thank you listening .

"Our b/f?" Forgive me Marlene but this isn't a three way arrangement, is it?

No by any means . When I say our boyfriend he has been my husband's boyfriend for at least 18 years. And mine for 14 years. It has always been us 3 . Just hanging out .

Phew, I was having flashes of Michael York in Cabaret suddenly in my mind.

Forgive my confustion did you mean you and your husband have sex with the same man?

Forgive my confustion did you mean you and your husband have sex with the same man?
I don't think so Tal but I have to admit, Marlene, you calling him your husband's boyfriend is majorly strange to me and makes me wonder why it is that you do. And God Almighty, I hope it isn't because your husband does or I am going to be getting a really bad picture here about how naïve you may be and what might really be going on, okay? :eek:

That threw me a bit as well the first time I read it, though I think she is using that abbreviation to denote "best friend." Arguably not the standard interpretation, but then again, I could be wrong here as well. It reminds me of the title of a song by Frente! called "Bizarre Love Triangle." :rolleyes: :)

Well this isn't the first time we get to the heart of the matter after a lot of running around, but the OP is the only one to clear this up. Then I will be pissed to no end for being jacked around for this long, I mean shouldn't facts like that be in the original question? Okay Marlene , ball in your court.

You say that you love your husband and his best friend but in totaly different ways. Do these totaly different ways both involve sex. If it didn't I could see how you might love two men differently and it work out if the husband liked the guy enough to feel the same way about him as you do. But when you bring sex into the equation you are only butting a time period on the entire situation. Sooner or later it is all going to explode.


I love my husband and my friend.. my friend knows I am married but I have sex with him and not my husband... as I am no longer attraced to my husband in this way but we have an amazing friendship... what should I do?

I love my husband and my friend.. my friend knows I am married but I have sex wtih him and not my husband... as I am no longer attraced to my husband in this way but we have an amazing friendship... what should I do?

Please start another thread as it gets confusing keeping up with different posters.

New to the site . Just have heard that there some good advise .
Ok . Is it possible to be totally in love w/ two people? One being your spouse and the other a friend ?
That is totally possible! My mom is in the same sort of dillema. She has had more than two though. Do you still love your spouse? She does. She gets frustrated with my father a lot but she still loves him. She has had other men in her live than just my father. Hope you can make a good choice to who you want. My parents are still together but my mom talks to the other guys. Good luck.

This is all a bunch of B.S... if you are married then that is who you should be sleeping with. You guys are killing me!! Oh, lesianlover please don't walk in your mothers shoes, they are way too small for you!

That is just stupid his best friend come on you could have had more respect than that. I see why spousal abuse is so high in the us

I agree with E3317, believe it or not! Poor guy! Self respect has a lot to do with all of these questions!

Thank you all for your advise. It really help me think . Although as of right now I am torn. Yes sex has happened w/ the bf, but ... it is almost like when I am with him , it is only him . At the same time I have my life w/ my husband ( which is wonderful , practically a perfect life. ) and when I am home w/ my 4 kids , it is only them .
We all have been friends for many many years so this nonthing that has just came up. I believe it is true and I am confused. Thank you all for your advise.


Nothing every just comes up...
As with everything in life: we are the ones who make the choice...