I need any helps. My mother tongue is not English so you may have some difficulty to understand this story. So here it is. Me and my girl friend were really good friends for about 2 years. We talked a lot and laugh. Then I asked if we can be in a relationship. She said no first time even I asked again again. Then next day she said she didn’t mean no. But I took the answer as no. So we were starting our relationship. But I have an issue. I lost my family from car accident. So I decided not to love anyone because I don’t want to feeling of losing someone I love. So I took a big step. But she also has depression. We were good in the beginning but after that I started jealous of her past and pushed her hard. So she wanted to broke up with me. It was hard then I noticed what I had done and told her. We go back together but I knew she were sad and if I said something about her past, she immediately crying. Then I stopped asking her and told her whenever you were ready. It was she got divorced. After she told me that I was kind of mad because I asked her before if she has even been married. Not once but several times. But I also understand why she had to do that. Then I talked to her that I was disappointed of her that she lied to me. Her answer was none of your business as usual. But I thought it was my business. I saw her sad face all the time and tried not to hurt her without know the reason. I thought her ex cheated on her, so I let her know my Facebook password and tried to prove her I won’t cheat on her. Then we start argue. She said we don’t have future together and we are not in serious relationship. She always said she will never marry. I didn’t know the reason at the time. And she confused me many times. She said she wants to have a dog with me and wants to go my country. She said we will break up one day. I was confused and we broke up 4 times in less than one year. I was the one went back to her and we backed together. I thought she just scared of my age. I am 8years younger than her and she is my first girlfriend. She is around 30. She said I’m too young and inexperienced. I felt whenever she noticed that I was in her heart she pushed me away and I got confused and put myself up and went back to her. Then she pushed me again. She said I love you and it is something else. She was madly in love with someone but the guy didn’t want get marry with her because of her past. But I don’t care. I decided that I will not give up on her like that. So last time we broke up which is little over month ago, I was disappointed and little upset of her lie but I do understand her at the same time. Then she said we will break up and we are not in serious relationship. I got mad and said I can take this anymore. “how do u feel if I am playing with u now. I will dump u.” she said “ok” I went little farther “so what if I just want to have sex with u” she said “fine” then I crossed the line” so what is difference hooker and u?” she said “nothing” and she cried and said “I am hooker” and wanted me to leave her alone. I didn’t. I said I’m sorry I just upset of your comment but I never thought like that and don’t think you are hooker. She wanted me to leave. I didn’t. I pushed her so hard. Then she said she would call police. Then I left. After that she obviously didn’t want to talk to her so I send many emails how I felt and I am sorry. Then she said it is the time, we are break up but we are friends. This time I also have enough. But I don’t want her to be my friend because I will hurt her. She snaked around me while we were in relationship. One time she came to city where I live. It is 50min drive. She said she will meet her guy friend and will come to my house at mid night. I waited but didn’t called me till 1. I called her many times after that because I was worried about her. Then her phone got off. Then at 2 she called me back and say it was silence and didn’t know why it turned off and she said she wanted to go back home because it is too late. Second time happened with the same guy. He asked her to come to international student meeting. He just want to have asian girls to have sex with. I was with her when he asked her to come over the phone. But she said she wasn’t sure. I wanted to come also but she said he didn’t invited me. So I came home and text her good night but she didn’t reply so I thought she went to sleep. I said I guess you went to sleep so sweet dream. 2days later, I guess, she spoke another guy friend and he asked me if we were still together. And they talked and he said to her that she should snaked around behind me. Then she called me and told me all and cryied. I talked to her today. I was trying to do no connect rule. But she sent me an email about chocolate I gave her but I gave it 2 weeks ahead of valentine’s day. She said I’m lovely. I talked to her the way she talked to me confused me and gave a bit of hope. She said she won't comeback. And I am inexperienced and she doesn’t feel she is in relationship with me. But want me to be her friend. I said I cannot.

So I want to know what I could have done better and what I can learn from this mistake. Ya I do love her even thought she was married woman. I don’t care other people. I just only want to be with her. She doesn’t want to marry again, I’m fine but my goal is just be with her. But I don’t know if I’m madly in love with her. I do think of her every day before we broke up. I don’t know the feeling I have on her. Simply I can say I am just really like, and love to be with her.

Any advice will be great help for my life. There are still more stories I didn’t write here because it would be too long and I don’t know how to organized. Thanks for reading my story. Please be cruel for me. What I have done wrong and what I should have done and what I can do now and for my future.


She also said today she probably will cheat on me because there is always possability. I asked her if she have even done on me. She said no. she just loves me as person like brother and friend. But how come I keep thinking there is story like she had a baby her home country and she cannot say to me because I will leave her so she wants to stop here. Something like that. There is something holding her. I am needy :D loser:D but it is OK I gave her all my heart even I know that I can deal with lossing someone who I love. She think it is not love and I will know some time in my life which is not respectable of my feeling. But if she is not breave enough to hold me and open up her mind even though it might hurt her badly if we break up, she will lose me. Her lost. Hopefully. She is stronger than me.. :D

2days later, I guess, she spoke another guy friend and he asked me her if we were still together. And they talked and he said to her that she should not snaked snuck around behind me. Then she called me and told me all and cryied. I talked to her today. I was trying to do no connect rule. But she sent me an email about chocolate I gave her but I gave it 2 weeks ahead of valentine’s day. She said I’m lovely. I talked to her the way she talked to me confused me and gave a bit of hope. She said she won't comeback. And I am inexperienced and she doesn’t feel she is in relationship with me. But want me to be her friend. I said I cannot.

So I want to know what I could have done better and what I can learn from this mistake. Ya I do love her even thought she was married woman. I don’t care other people. I just only want to be with her. She doesn’t want to marry again, I’m fine but my goal is just be with her. But I don’t know if I’m madly in love with her. I do think of her every day before we broke up. I don’t know the feeling I have on her. Simply I can say I am just really like, and love to be with her.

Any advice will be great help for my life. There are still more stories I didn’t write here because it would be too long and I don’t know how to organized. Thanks for reading my story. Please be cruel for me. What I have done wrong and what I should have done and what I can do now and for my future.[/QUOTE]

May I ask. How old are you. Is this your first relationship that you have had? I believe the right person is out there for everyone but it takes time, trial and error for that person to be found. I spent eight years in a horrible relationship. He cheated on me the whole time and I didn't know. You don't deserve to be with someone who "thinks they could cheat" If she is a married woman I do not think you should have had a relationship with her to begin with. (no offence) but.. being married means commitment and if she is married then she is not being faithful to her own husband so if she was single how could she be faithful to you. Now I might of read your post wrong. I hope I did not.

30-8 equals 22 years old

I am 25 and you it is my first relationship.. and she WAS married.. but not now.. she got divorced.. she hated the way I was acting.. asking her past and explain...


I think she might felt that I would never get over her past.. that makes her crazy.. but I was jealous of her past boyfriends but not anymore.. because he lets her go so I could have her.. but I still feel like I need to know her past.. seems like she couldn't open her mind to me and don't want to commit to anyone..

PS. My story and her story is different. I know I did manythings that hurt her. I'm not saying I did 100% right things..

You should leave this in the past.
Go no contact and have nothing more to do with her.

Read the stickies at the top of the relationship page for more advice.

No contact, read the stickies at the top of the page to see that everyone can do this

I am trying but hard:D I did but she contact me then I talked to her how much she hurts me.. hope someone remove my heart

You stop taking her calls,you don't reply to her texts-you act as if you dropped off the planet.

Most of us here have gone through our fair share of heartbreak and we have all had to pick ourselves up and get on with our lives.

You,too,can and will do this.
It takes time and patience but work on getting over her and you will.

You but hardiest thing is I still have hope we can work this out.. I have to get rid of that idea.. I cannot get her back.. I did 3times.. and she has to make a decision maybe she did. But if she wants me she needs to be breave enough to open up her mind and hold my hand.. I wish I could get rid of my hope..

I feel for you, because you are faced with the hardest thing you will ever do, but the most important. You must accept reality, that this is not a healthy relationship for either of you, learn to cope with your feelings of loss, and disappointment, and move beyond this stage in your life to the next one.

You can only do that by leaving her alone, and giving yourself time to heal, and you will. That means stop all contact with her whatsoever. ANY contact at all will keep the false hope alive in you, and will stop the healing process altogether.

Yes its hard and will take a lot of time, but can be done if you get busy rebuild your life without her, and find activities, and people who you enjoy.

You can't change the past, nor can you change people, but you can change yourself, and that's the whole point. You are not alone, and as you read the advice, and stories of others who are going through what you are, and the stickies of how to heal, you will see that what has happened to you, and your loss, has happened to us all, many times.

You can do this, and be happy and healthy again. Better than before.

Thanks.. ya I read stickies.. it wasn't healthy relationship.. she didn't love me.. I thought she was lonely so she was with me.. she wanted some program I have.. I'll copy it and will give to her.. I'll do all I can do now.. so I don't want to regret it in my future and don't want to miss her a bit.. anyway thanks..

I would advise staying away from her in general. Printing something off and bringing it to her is going to keep you two seeing each other and its not going to help you heal and move on. Neither of you. You are going to miss her, everyone misses people, especially when they have to walk away but sometimes its got to be done

You I have to force myself hard.. thanks all of u


Do you guys think we can be friend again? We were really good friend for 2 years and dating 1year.. I don't think we can be friend again becaue I thnk it will hurt me if he date with another guys.. but she said she will be fine even if I date with another girl.. lose someone sucks

Maybe eventually but I don't think it would be a good idea in the near future.. until you actually fully heal

Thanks.. now I'm reading some articles about relationship and self confidence.. stuff like that.. I need to solve my problem first.. just checking if I have problem.. you I'm taking depression medication.. because I lost my family but didn't treat myself well.. just hiding my feeling and pretending I'm strong.. thanks for your support

Have you considered counsiling?
It's helpful to talk through your problems with a good professional.

Take care and good luck.

Threads merged

Hi.. first of all thanks for reading my post..

I just want to know what is real love and true love.. what doesn't it mean when people say I'm in madly in love? I think they don't know while they were madly in love but they would know after it is over...

My ex and my relationship was little more like friendship.. we had good friendship and I thought it was love.. I was comfortable and happy... just I love to be with her.. and wouldn't bother me if she is with me all the time.. she was sometime my friend and girl and sister.. but what she said to me WE ARE NOT MADLY IN LOVE..

I heard that if you want to have the best relationship (I don't know how I can explain this) don't love like fire, but love like coal fire?

If you love like fire, it will make you hot but it will be gone at some point but coal.. it won't make you hot as fire but I will make you warm and long time..

So I think fire is madly in love and coal is calm love(?)

Anyway what kind of love are you having and should I look for madly in love life fire? So coal like calm love?

And how do you know if you love like calm love like coal?

Sorry I think it doesn't make any sense..

Actually, that makes a lot of sense.

The 'fire' madly in love stage, is euphoria, and falling in love is extremely exciting. At this stage, for some, it is hard to separate the flame from the fire.

Once the flame has died down, and reality starts to sink in, the coals are left. At this stage, you can still have very intense feelings for a person, but in a more realistic way. You get to know them, develop a friendship, share common goals, and the coal becomes the foundation for commitment and a long future together.

The fire stage does not last long. That 'animal' attraction eventually wears off, and you are left in a more comfortable, realistic place where you can see the coals past the fire.

Real love is realistic, and passes the test of time, with two people who have built a foundation of trust. Partners together.

First of all thanks for your post..

I don't know if I translate my language to english clearly.. but what I heard that is some couples love like intense fire.. I don't know if it is all about physical attraction or something.. but they said it is love like hug strong fire but it won't last long.. and some people says they love like coal.. they never have flam of fire.. it has calm start.. like softly the person take a place in your heart.. I think I was like that.. and I wasn't sure if it was love.. ya big honest I didn't know if I was in love.. because I couldn't notice anything.. but people noticed.. one of my friend, after I had my first sex with my first girl.. he said I looked happy and asked me what happened.. had smile on my face.. maybe because it was first but it was like what I expect.. I felt like, "not a big as i thought":D and when she was really sad after she saw her psychiatrist.. I also have depression but I was so so sad.. and never thought someone can make me sad.. I don't know if it is love.. because she told me " u will see and u will know what is love." you it is disrepectable comment of my feeling.. so I don't know if it is love or not.. I mean if it WAS love or not.. I think I have to find out by myself but I just want to know others idea.. lust and love and something seems like love..

And also she told me there is not CRUSH... you what I want to say is love like crush wouldn't go last and think it is lust.. not love.. I mean real and true love.. I don't know.. and hope I don't disrespect others by saying this..

Not at all Kj, your words are smart!

If more people stopped to think about whether they were in love, or infatuated, and took their time from the initial sparks flying, we'd probably have fewer divorces, and happier people.

Thanks.. I'll look for what is love and lust and infatuated.. take this time as my opportunity.. and I saw defination of love from children.. their defination of love was you can give your chocolate to someone even though you want that chocolate":D

Threads merged

Hi

I'm just wondering if I need to know my girlfriend and boyfriend past?

My answer is yes.. I wouldn't mind telling my girlfriend about my past.. because I believe that it is one of ways you can test how much they love you and trust u..

And I heard a story that one couple got married and after they got married, the wife told her husband that she has a kid with his ex.. so the husband got divorced not because of the kid but she kept it in secret..

And when I asked my ex about her past, she always said "none of ur business." but I do still believe that it is my business.. no OUR business.. u are dealing with my heart.. relationship is not game you can play in kidergarden play ground(playhouse)..

And I saw some people say, it is not good to disclose your past and your partners past.. but I don't understand.. I feel like you are just in relationship with who you don't truly know.. and if your partner cannot accept your past, that mean they cannot accept and love who you really are..

I know if you have wild past, your partner would have some trust issue but if both of them communicate openly and honestly and show that you have changed from your behave, I could be solve...

So here is my question..

WHAT DO U THINK? DO U THINK U HAVE TO DISCLOSE UR PAST WHEN U ARE IN RELATIONSHIP OR NOT? AND WHAT IS UR REASON?
WHAT IS HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE?


And I also think your past has influence on u.. which mean it has influence on your life and personality and your relationship.. so I think I need to know so I could understand my partner better..

Having a kid in your past is totally different, I do think your partner should know if you have a kid from your past. But I don't think they need to know who you dated, why you broke up, etc , etc, past is past. But something that will follow you for the rest of your life(ie. A child), that is more than just past that should be forgotten.

I think if you need to know your partners past, it shows a lot of insecurity. Your worried about there past, wondering how you compete in all of it.
There is no need

Don't ask, don't tell is my philosophy. I don't think it's first date material, but I do think eventually you should disclose some of your past. Amount of partners and other personal stuff like that is off limits unless I disclose it to them.

On a side note, how did her husband not know she had a kid? That's seems kind of hard to hide

We all come with a past and I'd say you tell a partner about the things and people that were important in your past-you don't need to go into every single detail.

I think that you don't need to know the past. I think it can bring up MORE questions and MORE issues eventually.

If someone is dodgey and has not changed, they are not likely to tell you that their relationships from the past were bad. They are more likely to say how bad their partner was or make up something or 'leave out' their information. Therefore, I think its hard to judge character from THEIR story.

What if they bagged their ex partner? Won't you be worried they will do the same to you?
What if they cheated but said they 'changed'... how will you know?
What if they said their partner cheated, so they left heartbroken?. how will you know they are over them? Particularly if you opened that box and they tell you more and talk about the ex ALL THE TIME.
What if they told you their past relationship was great but it didn't work out?. maybe you will compare yourself no end.
What if their partner just up and left, and they were heartbroken?. how do you know they don't still hold a candle?
How do you know if they were abusive?
If they cheated?
They can lie about anything!
Generally if we start a new relationship, no one in their right mind would spill EVERYTHING! Everyone has done something wrong and HOPEFULLY changed. They are not going to tell prospective partners all of that because they would send them running!

I think its best just to start fresh... of course, if you are still with the ex or you have a kid to the ex or share a house with the ex or are running away from an abusive ex then the new partner should know

I don't want to know every single detail such as what kind of position they did when they have sex.. but what I want to really know is scars on her heart.. becasue I don't want to hurt her.. you I know her past gives me insecurity like her exs but it is just for short period.. what about if she got divorced and still having depression becauseo of that?

You past is past.. but I still don't understand why there is no need to know the past? I don't want to know every detail of her life but.. I don't know what I should do and what I should learn at this time..

I wouldn't worry about her past so you know what to expect from her, but instead look at her actions today towards you to know what to expect.
If she has been divorced, I think that should be brought up. Being married before and having kids should always be brought up at least before the 3rd date in my opinion. Those are need to knows

I don't know.. the true reason of I want to know her past, when she had bad time and happy time, ONLY because I don't want to hurt her like other guys did.. NOT judging her if she was right or wrong.. she didn't get the meaning and I am sure the way I approach wasn't send true reason why I want to know.. and everyone had past and you never get over with that, it will still affect your life one way or another. Like Neyo's song "his mistake" I feel like I am the one who victim of other guys mistakes..

I don't think you need to worry about the scars on her heart. Hopefully she is a big girl that has sorted them out. Hopefully you can be confident that she will tell you and communicate with you when/ if you hurt her.

If she is so easy to hurt (which you should find outr quite soon) then perhaps she isn't ready for a relationship?

You shouldn't have to tread on egg shells!

Also, you shouldn't worry if it's that you want to be better than her ex. Just try your best and enjoy each others time and don't compare yourself to anyone!

Well honestly, doesn't sound like you are ready for a relationship, sounds like you need a lot of work on yourself yet first. Seems to me that you are constantly wondering if you are making your girlfriend happy, or if she really likes you. You sound really insecure about yourself, and you need to work on yourself so that you are happy with your life and self. If you are happy with yourself, you will not need the constant reassurance that your girlfriend is happy with you. I really think this is something you have to learn to control or get over, or else you will be pushing this women away. And since she has already told you that her past is none of your business, I am pretty much certain, its not the first time you have asked her about her past, and that you are already starting to push her away

You I already pushed her away... and yes I need to learn lots of things.. even she said I'm an in experienced.. so how can I solve insecure about myself and how should I know if I am? And I think I am doing my best as much as I know but it is not much:D..

But I don't know I think I was secure man at the beginning and after I knew she snuke around.. I don't know what went to wrong and what I should learn from this

Just thinking about myself for a while.. I think she was an insecure woman also.. she kept say she is OK by herself and need to be alone.. and talked about her over weight and age and asked me if I can gain some weight because I'm skinny.. and if I am intersted in asian girls because I'm asian.. and she said she is not for relationship n don't want to marry anyone and said she would hurt me.. I somehow felt that she was scared of get hurt.. so I tried not hurting her.. and she also said don't trust me.. if I ask why she said she doesn't trust herself so how she can say trust me..

Any everyone has some issues.. I might be the insecure guy because I saw many girls and guys cheated.. so the first thing I look for girl is honesty and I'm not easy guy:D

And I kind of felt that if she felt I would dump her, she dumped me first:D

I also felt she pushed me away for some reason.. I think because it was she divorced and one of her boyfriend didn't want to show her to his family..

I think there is nothing I can do.. she needs to sort out her problem...

But I think I also have MANY issues.. and it is almost 6 day of NC.. it is hard but I want to dig this hard time so hard and see what is my issue in bottom of my heart that I didn't aware of.. but she doesn't like digging.. so painful for her.. she wants to just cover it up.. but I digged her even my intention wasn't bad but I hurt her.. I forgot when people digged my heart.. the way I approach was wrong..

Now it sounds like I am really nice and charming guy.. but please don't think.. (maybe you dont:D) because my story and her story are different.. OR maybe I am insecure guy so I defensive..

PLEASE just give your idea which will help my digging of my mind.. it sounds like now I really want to know myself.. huh..

Don't be in a hurry to know what's on your mind. I am twice your age almost, and still learning, about myself.

Yeah man, there's other girls.

Not recently married rebounds.

What is it you are looking for anyway?

This is a fantasy. She isn't into it.

Just forget this one.

You she said there is no crush in between me and her.. I thought it was just smooth ride get into this relationship.. I just read some other peoples story and now I am thinking maybe she is one of thoese girls who put their career and goal first and put other things later such as family and relationship...