Entire story merged, please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

Fair warning - please stop creating new threads.

I have been with my partner for 9 years on and off its always been a bit rocky, some time ago one of his old friends came onto me I obviously turned him down, I eventually told my partner who thinks I exaggerated the whole thing which is so not true, he calls me a horrible person and poison he is now saying he is going to make friends with his old friend which I haven't got a problem with but I feel like I'm the bad person when I haven't done anything wrong and I feel like he is betraying me and is going to make a fool of me and he says he's always knew what I was like, he doesn't treat me good to be honest, he never takes me out cause he says he can't go out with me cause I always start, my partner makes me feel so bad about myself like I actually think I'm a bad person, I've got no confidence and low self esteem due to the way he pulls me down all the time we have a child together who we both adore but I don't know how much more o can take, he says he loves me but how can he when he hasn't got no respect for me at all. Do I tell him to leave?? And is this how your partner should treat you??

If he REALLY loved you, he would make you feel like the most important person in the world. He wouldn't disrespect you, cause you stress, and ask for advice here, from strangers, about his bad behavior.

He also would have taken your side, like any real man would have, when his friend came on to you.

It's always tough when there's a child involved. But, if the household that is raising that child isn't happy, and loving, then your not doing right by them.

Do what you think you have to do. Are you willing to leave him?

Relationships like this one usually get worse before they get better.

Would he be willing to go to counseling?

You should try that before you bail out.

Do what's best for you and your baby.

I wish you luck.

If a relationship makes you feel this bad then I don't think it is worth it for you to stay in it... A relationship should make you feel good about yourself and contribute toward good self esteem... Not erode yourself esteem. It sounds like you already know the answer in th ebottom of your heart even though it is not easy to accept the answer.. I have been in bad relationships, much like the one you are describing and in my experience, I think we sometimes hold onto bad relationshipseven though they hurt us, because we have a fear that we need the other person and that we won't find anybody else and will have 'nothing'... This is so so untrue. When you end a bad relationship it will hurt like hell for a while and you will feel very lonely but then the truth will dawn on you... That you don't need the person and that you were hanging onto , nothing, a very poor excuse for a relationship. And then you will gradually feel empowered and much better within yourself, and yourself esteem will grow back and you will find someone else, and will know not to make the same mistake again. His power over you will fade and you will feel much better than you ever did with him. Being alone is better for you than being in a relationship. HONESTLY... BELIEVE ME... It sounds like you are really better off without him. You deserve better. Everyone deserves better than this. I really do talk from experience... Emotional abuse is also very damaging and poorly understood in our culture. Yet it exists in many relationships. Nooone should have to deal with it.

POWER to you!

Btw I really agree with Joseph. All true.

Having a child does make it more difficult, but I hope that you have other support... Your parents? Siblings? Friends? To me it sounds as though you are not functioning at your best right now and that you would be a much stronger person, a better mother for your child if you were happier. It sounds like you need to do something anyway.

I've read the answers above and agree with them. You are being emotionally abused. Having been in a similar situation when I was younger, I can understand the confusion you feel. The roller coaster ride can throw you - when they are good they are so good, but when they are bad they are horrid. The fact he calls you a horrible person and poison is unacceptable. He's trying to ruin yourself esteem and control you. If he doesn't treat you well, leave him. I also understand that having a child together complicates things, but his behavior towards you will affect your child negatively. I hope you have the means to get out of this relationship, whether you can do it on your own or with the help of family and friends. He sounds like poison to me. Don't accept the lack of respect. Respect yourself now, before he undermines yourself esteem any further. It will take time, but eventually you will know you have done the right thing. Good luck.

I have got a brill family and friends, I know I can do it on my own, we have separated a few times... and I know this sounds stupid, I don't like the thought of him moving on with someone else and been happy and me been stuck on my own... he keeps asking why I have told him about his friend, but why shouldn't he of known... I know I haven't got the support from him...

If after 9 years, you still haven't stabilized your relationship, then chance are, things are going to end eventually. You say you've been on and off. When you go back "on", have you really fixed the things that made you "off"? Regardless, it sounds like a very toxic relationship if he's associating the word "poisin" with you.

If you don't feel that you have anymore confidence and self-esteem because of him, then you really need to distance yourself from him. You need to take care of yourself before you worry about someone else. How can you take care of someone else if you can't even take care of yourself?

He blames me for absolutely everything, he can not admit when he is in the wrong... according to him he never does nothing wrong... im sick of going round in circles with him, I just want to be happy and feel secure... even though I've lived my life on a rollercoaster for the past 9 years its never affected my relationship with my child, I have a good job and work full time to give him a good life... I just wish things could be different but they never will be, I know what I need to do...

Why are you worried about him moving on and being happy and you being alone? Do you really think he will be happy? The way he is treating you is exactly how he is going to treat someone else. These are his ways, the type of man he is. So what if your alone for a time. Embrace it. Get to know yourself. Build yourself esteem back up and be the best you can be. Make another man feel lucky to have you.

I can't help but think that he will be happy and I won't, he tells me I will always these sort of relationships cause of the way I am he calls me a loose cannon whatever that is... but I think I'm a normal girl who wants a normal relationship, even my friends and family tell me all the time its not me its him...

He need to grow up he is 30 year old and still acts like a child...

You ever think you might be a loose canon because of him?

A loose canon means that you fly off the handle. That he may say something and you jump on it and snap. Or start nagging. Its an expression. Like you never know when your going to blow.

I think he will never be happy. If he treats you like this, trust me I don't think he will be the happy one. He will treat the next girl the same way. So what if he is happy? So what. Is this worth it to you? Your sounding so miserable. Think for yourself and you only worry about you. Why stay in misery because your worried he might be happy. Hey, you might be happy to.

I can't help but think that he will be happy and i wont


He need to grow up he is 30 year old and still acts like a child....

This is exactly why you need to go into no contact. You need to stop worrying about his life and worry about your own. This relationship has been extremely toxic.

Here are the no contact rules:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/nc-rules-faqs-332732.html


he tells me i will always these sort of relationships cause of the way i am he calls me a loose cannon whatever that is...but i think im a normal girl who wants a normal relationship, even my friends and family tell me all the time its not me its him....

You've given each other 9 years of chances to make this relationship work. You can't say that you didn't try anymore. It's time to accept the fact that this relationship isn't going to work and move on with your life.

I understand that it's difficult to switch off all your emotions about him overnight, but it's best if you tried. The longer you dwell on the breakup, the longer it will take you to heal from this experience. It's best if you leave everything in the past and move forward with your life.

Have you got any advice on how to be when they pick there child up...

Have you got any advice on how to be when they pick there child up....

1) Keep conversations to a minimum, nothing unnecessary.
2) Wait in the car.
3) Have a third party help out with the pick-up / carpooling.

For sure you need a break from him, tell him to leave, and send the support check in the mail.

Threads merged

I've been with my partner for 9 years and have a child together, it's a long story really, so briefly we have split up got back together a few times, we got back together about 4 months ago, what a rollercoaster ride this has been... he doesn't hardly go to work or give me money to pay for bills I practically do it by myself... when he does go to work he still only gives me so much money not even enough to cover half of the bills cause he said he needs to sort his debt out...
He goes out a lot, sometimes he doesn't even get in from work till 10:00PM granted I know where he is but that's not the poing, he went out last night and didn't come home till 8:45 this morning, I had been up most of the night wondering where he was, his phone was turned of so I had to ring his friend at 6:30 am when he came on the phone he told me to leave it out... he eventually came home 2 hours later and when I raised my voice at him he told me to shut the f**k up you ugly looking c**t... I have told him to leave, he said he didn't mean it and that he says its cause he's mad and cause I'm a women and he can't smak me... I think I deserve better, I'm a decent person who has a lot going for me, he has knocked my confidence so much he twists everything round onto me like its all my fault...
He says he loves me but does he really...

I just don't know what to do or how I'm going to get through this...

I feel so down cause of all the nasty stuff he says to me...

:(

Im glad that you still realise that you have good things going for you - despite what this excuse for a man has been telling you.

I've been there myself a few years ago and I know it'll be hard, but trust me, your perceived self worth will just keep on decreasing until you are away from him.

No-one deserves to be treated in this way - least of all the mother of his child.

Good luck ! :)

I usually say to try and work out marriage, but in this case it may be for the best that you call it quit. I believe he isn't the right person for you and you to break up.

Before that, ask him if he wants to see a counselor, it may help you, but I doubt it.

After nine years together for the most part, and you are still essentially living different lives. Why have things never been addressed or solved.

Money problems alone cause a lot of stress in any relationship. Hidden money agenda's, cause even more. If you know what's coming in, you can proceed accordingly, but when most of his money is a big question mark, how are you supposed to make ends meet. And more importantly, why do you put up with that.

The most important thing you can do, is make changes. It isn't working the way it should, and it is time to step up and set some basic ground rules. The biggest reason is to establish trust, followed by a workable plan, compromise and respect toward each other.

Counselling would be a good idea. Why not try it; nine years hasn't resolved issues on your own. Get to a debt counselling agency and figure out a financial plan to tackle the debt issues. Stick to a budget, pay the bills. If you know what you are dealing with, anything is possible to overcome.

The unnacountable hours he is not at home, followed by your worry and anger, followed by his defensive and controlling moves is a huge barrier. There has to be a reason why he does what he does. He'd rather be out all night and indignant about being questioned as to where he was and what he was doing, rather than being truthful. That should be a big, huge, red flag.

Seriously consider why you would allow this relationship to continue as it is now. Without any changes, you are in for another decade of grief.

I think you should have kicked him out in September.

He isn't in the relationship. He is using the your place as a rooming house. Stop letting him use and abuse you mentally and emotionally.

Your child deserves to grow up in a better household.

For your sake and that of your child's you need to get out of this mess.
Don't concern yourself with his possible happiness-build your own and find peace of mind-long overdue.

Threads merged again

I had been with my partner 9 years we have a child together, we split up Boxing day for this that and the other, I wasn't happy about a lot of things so I ended the relationship, I know I am better of without him but it doesn't help when he keeps telling me he still loves me and yesterday he asked me out on a 'date' which makes it very difficult I want to move on and I day dream about meeting someone and been happy... I don't know how to deal with things when he finally moves on I find it so hard and it makes me feel sick how do I get over this and how do I move on...

Time.

I'm sorry to say, but there are no magic potions to heal quick. Time is the key.

9 years is a long time, so you're going to need a lot of time to recover.

No contact is an effective tool to help avoid prologing the suffering. Please see the links in my signature for NC related threads.

Keeping yourself busy will also help prevent you from overthinking about the break up.

Threads merged again

I had been with my partner 9 years we have a child together, we split up Boxing day for this that and the other, I wasn't happy about a lot of things so I ended the relationship, I know I am better of without him but it doesn't help when he keeps telling me he still loves me and yesterday he asked me out on a 'date' which makes it very difficult I want to move on and I day dream about meeting someone and been happy... I don't know how to deal with things when he finally moves on I find it so hard and it makes me feel sick how do I get over this and how do I move on...

You need to stop contact like this, tell him that it is not wanted and that it will not be reciprocated, in a clear and concise fashion.

Then stop daydreaming and get yourself out there, take up something new one evening a week maybe. It will be something to keep your mind off your ex and get you back out there with new and interesting individuals you have something in common with.

May I suggest a single parents seminar, great for picking up no new vulnerable partners... only joking! :D :eek:

Yes stop daydreaming there are many beautiful and interesting people outside and even if it's hard to go and see some new people you can ask your friends to come with you.
Busy yourself.
You will only waist your time if you stay at home dreaming.