Thanks everyone for all of your advice on my other post. A lingering thought I keep having is that I just can't help but wonder why my ex kept contacting me after he broke things off with me to be with another girl? Does anyone have any theories about this? It just seems like such a foreign concept to me because on the occasions that I have initiated a breakup with a guy, I always left him alone to move on. I knew I had hurt and disappointed him and that most likely he didn't want to hear from me. I didn't want to confuse them. Also, I never had an ex keep contacting me before this guy except one but he and I got back together a couple of times. I wouldn't have dreamed of contacting one of the guys I broke up with to be with someone else and so casually mentioned living with that person.

Maybe it's a question that will never be answered and maybe I need to just stop thinking about it all. But the fact that this ex kept making contact for months with me several times out of the blue (after I told him that I couldn't be friends and never initiated contact myself) is part of what kept me hooked into thinking that he must still have feelings for me. I thought that he must have missed me and was testing the waters for a possible reconciliation. It made getting over him harder.

My ex told me that he kept in touch with a couple of other girls that he dated before me too and they didn't seem to mind being his friend afterwards. Of course he said that one of the breakups was mutual where they both agreed they were better off as just friends and that the other was a friend that admitted she liked him and he told her he didn't feel that way about her and she said OK and they remained friends. He told both these girls all about me while we were dating and they didn't seem to mind. So I feel almost guilty that I was not able to be strong enough (like these other girls were) to remain his friend. I feel that there is something wrong with me for not being like his other exes. Is that crazy? Does it make me seem weak in his eyes? He makes it seem like I should have just jumped into best friend mode after he left me to be with another girl and seems floored that I didn't forget all about everything and talk all about it with a smile. :confused:

I guess it just all boils down to wondering why he kept contacting me if he was with the girl he dumped me this entire time. If I am such a "terrible person" to date, why bother contacting me? Any theories on why an ex will keep contacting you if they have no more feelings for you? Thanks everyone.

Well, I'm not sure as to why he would keep contacting you. But, what I do know is this... If you don't want to be his friend, then don't! You can forget about him thinking that your weak... By you standing firm in your decision NOT to be his friend and move forward with your own life without him in it, is the boldest, bravest and most independent way to state to him that you are STRONG!! He will see it...
Kae

Hi Southern,

I have never had this happened to me. Southern, I have to tell you though, by no means are you weak!! If anything you have incredible strength. When someone would break up with me, oh how I would long to hear from them, but of course that was not healthy.

I truly think you need to stick to your guns. This may sound terrible but perhaps it is an ego thing with him. Not knowing too much about him, it does sound a bit odd why he would keep contacting you after breaking off a relationship. I could see if it were mutual, but in your case it was not and is a bit insensitive of him not to recognize that your feelings run deep and for him to just pop in at will. Is it to check to see if you are okay?

I guess I would tell you to remain true to yourself. Do not worry what the other exs have done. You are a unique person and entitled to handle this the way you see fit. And in no way are you weak, I actually admire your strength, in accepting the break-up and not contaciting him. Good for you.

Stay strong!

Thanks for your replies. When he would contact me, he never really asked if I was OK. He asked if I "still hated him" the first couple of times he would contact me via email. I never once told him I hated him throughout all of this this by the way. In fact I have tried to talk to him as cordially, politely, and kindly as I could. I believe in dignity and class as much as humanly possible. I never wanted to give him leeway to call me "some crazy psycho ex that won't leave me alone." True my anger would probably be noticeable at times, but I think the worst thing that I have said to him is that he was a "jerk" once after it happened.

When he would contact me out of the blue after this breakup, he would just talk about things like sports, movies, music, vacations, and the house he moved in, even invite me to his city... just like nothing ever happened. This made me think he was testing the waters for a possible reconciliation I guess. Boy was I wrong.

Part of me feels like I am being "mean" to him because it was a long distance relationship, maybe I should let him off the hook over leaving me for this other girl that's closer, be understanding, and stay in touch. BUT, HE always said that the distance didn't matter, never once let on that he was unhappy with me or anything. He would always dispel MY doubts while we were dating. We never argued before the breakup. He never brought up that this distance was getting unbearably hard for him. His stated reason for breaking up with me was "I met someone here and I really like her and think she likes me. I got to talking to her and it just developed." He broke up with me because he met someone else, not because of the distance. He later said, "Well the distance was always conspiring against us anyway."

I know that the distance was hard, I'm not blind to that fact, but I stayed faithful, did my part, and was willing to move to him this year. We discussed this. I know he had a right to do as he pleased and dump me for someone else I suppose. We weren't married, but we had agreed to exclusivity... he is the one who asked for exclusivity by the way. We all make our choices in life. I just felt very hurt and led on by him. Two weeks before he broke up with me, he told me, "I've met someone special in you and I'm not looking for anyone else." He was even telling me about job openings to apply for on my next visit. What a joke!

Ok, he dumped me for someone else closer. Fine. I know the distance was hard. I know he had a right to do what he wanted. Again, we weren't married. He made his choice, but why not just leave me alone then? Go be with her since he apparently thought she was so much "better" than me. I left him alone afterwards. The only times I have spoken to him were in response to HIS contacts. I told him I couldn't be friends, would go into no contact, and here he was popping back up into my thoughts. Tal mentioned that it was my fault for reading his emails and listening to his voice mails and that is true. I have kept this guy in my own head, but the pain still sucks.

Oh I am sure and I know the pain is a bear. Southern, stop worrying how all this is effecting him. Who cares? You are a good person and worthy of respect and consideration. I have no clue why he periodically keeps contacting you, but hey, that's his issue to deal with.

You are a kind person and are trying to do all of this with kindness back to him after what he did, which I understand. Now it is time to just concern yourself with how you are feeling and to heck with how it effects him. That may sound harsh, but I think it is merited.

As you said, he chose to pick another, he needs to allow you to move on. Which you have done beautifully.

I am so sorry you are in pain, and I know and can just tell the strength you have will get you through.

What would you tell me, if a guy broke up with me for someone else and then kept contacting me?

Personally, I would not respond to his next contact. Take it one step at a time.

Wishing you the best.

Oh... and his last email a couple of months ago (before his most recent contact last week) was him sending me a couple of songs that he said made him think of me and wrote, " I miss you. It's a shame you didn't want to be friends, but I understand." I replied, "It's nothing personal, but you are right, I can't be friends. Glad you understand."


Then I went back into my no contact and tried to forget him. Two months later, now here he comes again and drops the bomb on me that he is now living with this girl he dumped me for... oh so casually like "how's the weather?". It angered me because he clearly knew I wasn't up for being friends because he hurt me pretty badly by all of this and yes, I still have some feelings for him. I wish I didn't, but I do. I loved this guy. This has just upset me all over again.

I'm glad that others don't think I am weak for not being able to be his friend. I was really feeling that he looked at me as being that way because his other exes have remained his friend... like I just have some odd problem that no one else does. I feel that we were friends at first. That all changed after he and I had sex.

It's not easy for me to not talk to him or see him anymore either. I miss him too and would love to talk to him about things still. It hurts that it wouldn't bother him at all to hear if I was dating someone new also. That would happen if we remained friends. This sucks. I know that I kept listening to his voice messages and reading his emails because I hoped that he was contacting me to reconcile. Apparently not and it left me confused and disappointed. I don't understand how someone could seemingly turn their feelings off overnight. Didn't he ever care for me?

Thanks for listening to my venting everyone.

Vent away... that is why we all are here :) To listen and be there for each other.
By no means are you weak. You have self respect. Friendship is a part of a relationship and he broke that friendship by betraying and going back on the decision you both made
To see each other solely.

It's almost as if he expects you to accept and want him in your life no matter the cost to you. I almost want to say... How dare he! Perhaps the other exs were not strong enough to let go entirely. That they would accept whatever he was willing to offer, no matter how little it was.

Very concerning that he could switch gears so quickly. That is not someone that I would be willing to trust my heart and emotions with. Nor, would I be happy with the fact that he so easily could tell you about his new roommate. Doesn't demonstrate a whole of sensitivity or compassion for you or your feelings.

I am sure you still have feelings for him and all of this must sting like crazy. I do feel for you but am more than impressed and admire the strength that you possess.

I only hope my words are helpful to you and I hope they are the right ones.

It's almost as if he expects you to accept and want him in your life no matter the cost to you. I almost want to say...How dare he! Perhaps the other exs were not strong enough to let go entirely. That they would accept whatever he was willing to offer, no matter how little it was.

Very concerning that he could switch gears so quickly. That is not someone that I would be willing to trust my heart and emotions with. Nor, would I be happy with the fact that he so easily could tell you about his new roomate. Doesn't demonstrate a whole of sensitivity or compassion for you or your feelings.


I think Allheart has it about right here. At the very least, he's insensitive, at worst, cruel. Either way, he's not worth your continued attention, and you have no reason for self-doubt or regrets about the way you behaved toward him. My sense of it is that he's one of those guys who talks a good line, knows all the right things to say, but isn't really capable of true and honest intimacy. Since he wasn't really deeply committed to you, the breakup wasn't that traumatic to him and he can't understand why you are so hurt. I agree that it's a bi*ch to fall hard and truly for someone who isn't able or willing to reciprocate in the same way. But in the end, why they are the way they are and do the things they do isn't your concern. And it certainly isn't helpful to be comparing yourself to his other ex's and doubting yourself because you're not like them. Your concern is why you ignored the warning signs (they're always there) and plunged in, heedless of the danger. All this attention you're squandering on him would be better spent on understanding yourself and the lessons you have to learn from the experience. It's a fine line between self-doubt and self-knowledge, but you have to walk it bravely, and with a will to learn the truth of your own heart. Keep your attention where it belongs, and walk on.

Ex's call over and over, to keep control, or because they can't accept you moving on without them.

Ex's call over and over, to keep control, or because they can't accept you moving on without them.

I agree with this response.

He is probably finding it hard to accept that you really have moved on without him.

Yes, it is a control thing, and he does not sound as if he is used to losing this control..

First time for everything!

Keep your head up, you are doing really well and I admire your strength. I particularly liked what you said here:
In fact I have tried to talk to him as cordially, politely, and kindly as I could. I believe in dignity and class as much as humanly possible.

You have showed dignity and class ten fold!

"He is probably finding it hard to accept that you really have moved on without him."


Yes, Goeff, but HE dumped me... isn't that what he wanted? For me to move on?

You are spending far too much time and energy on what this guy thinks, feels or why he does something. The fact is, some people can have a friendship after a relationship, some can't. It all depends on the level of their feelings when it was over. His other 2 girlfriends may have not been "in love" with him. It is hard enough for us to figure out why we do things and feel the way we do, let alone try and figure out someone else. It would be great to have an answer, one can assume all day long, but he is the only one to know. He may not even know why he is as he is. Nor does he care. Some long distance relationships work, some don't. People find someone else while married and living with their spouse day after day. Women wait for husbands in Iraq for a year or more. Some will have affairs and leave them.
Quit trying to find blame in yourself for what happened, or understanding him. There are times when a relationship ends, not because of any fault of either person. The magic was not there for one of them. You are lucky he did not string you along while he was with the other woman. That happens often. He may be someone who gets tired of a relationship easily. Whatever reasons, he sounds like an insensitive person. Not one you would want to live with. He is with someone and still contacts you and probably the 2 he was contacting when he was with you. Friendship is fine, but if you are with someone, there is no need to stay in constant touch with X girlfriends. It sounds like he has problems. Not you.

"He is probably finding it hard to accept that you really have moved on without him."


Yes, Goeff, but HE dumped me.....isn't that what he wanted? For me to move on?

No, he wanted to move on, he wasn't concerned with you at all. He may not have wanted you to move on.

He keeps contacting you because you keep providing him with something he wants. It all stops when you stop providing or when he has seen the range of your responses and tires of them. It takes two to keep the game going. The more important question is why do you keep responding? Why do you keep signing up for the hurt that comes with that? This is not him doing it to you, but instead its YOU doing it to you... and using him to do it. Can you see that at all SouthernBelle?

If you like him contacting you, if you want that, if you are holding out hope it will turn into something more... then keep responding!

But then don't be complaining about it too.

He keeps contacting you because you keep providing him with something he wants. It all stops when you stop providing or when he has seen the range of your responses and tires of them. It takes two to keep the game going. The more important question is why do you keep responding? Why do you keep signing up for the hurt that comes with that? This is not him doing it to you, but instead its YOU doing it to you....and using him to do it. Can you see that at all SouthernBelle?

If you like him contacting you, if you want that, if you are holding out hope it will turn into something more...... then keep responding!

But then don't be complaining about it too.

Good point, very true

All of you and your insight are soooooo amazing!! It's like you just rip the blanket away and show us what truly lies underneath. With all of your help, we can not possibly help but see what truly is underneath that blanket!! Amazing.

Ordinary guy, I tried to post to your respone... but it's that spread the wealth thing again.. but so well said!!

Tal and Geoff, I never ever thought about it like that.. a control thing, not being able to accept that This one (meaning the one and only and so strong Southern Bell), is not going to hang around and hold on to what he chooses to offer, which basically is nothing but false hope.

Southern, would love to hear how things work out for you. Boy do I admire you!!

Stay strong !

Well, I'm not sure as to why he would keep contacting you. But, what I do know is this... If you don't want to be his friend, then don't! You can forget about him thinking that your weak... By you standing firm in your decision NOT to be his friend and move forward with your own life without him in it, is the boldest, bravest and most independent way to state to him that you are STRONG!!! He will see it...
Kae

Oh, I see it all right.

To the original poster, I couldn't help but notice your question because it's almost as if my own ex-girlfriend posted it!! I didn't leave my ex, she left me because of various issues, and she's been standing firm with no contact for 4 months now. I've written her e-mails, tried to call her, texts, nothing.

Why would your ex contact you? Maybe he made a mistake, as all human beings do. Maybe he didn't know what he wanted at the time, but now he does. Maybe he was an idiot, like I was.

I think you should only respond if you have some part of your heart that is willing to give it a second chance. If not, stop this game and it'll do you both a favor. It's definitely not fair to you, and it just keeps this poor guy coming.

I've realized that so much can change in relationships... maybe he's changed too.

Thank all of you so much for your replies. It means a lot to me.

Pat, your theory is nice, but in this case, I'm not sure if my ex is contacting me because he realized he made a mistake. I guess that's a possibility, but in his newest email to me last week (which upset me to the point of driving me to these boards) he oh so casually mentioned that he is now living with this girl he dumped me for. What fabulous news, huh? The fact that he felt the need to contact me with this news really angered me because I had told him I wasn't going to be his "friend". He just contacted me out of the blue after 2 months and sprang this on me, getting me upset all over again when I was in no contact and trying to move on.

Of course in his email he mentioned that the girl he lives with doesn't have a job and that he is having to foot all of the bills right now. Knowing him, this doesn't make him too happy. He was quite a tightwad with if I may say so. At least I have always been gainfully employed. I am a nurse! :D

Perhaps things are not so well with this girl, I have no idea and I have no desire to know. I dare him to try mention her to me again in fact. I won't stand for it. I have told him over and over I didn't want to be friends or stay in touch. He knew I loved him and wanted more... unless he was an idiot. :confused: This is why it all upset me so. I shouldn't have even had to deal with this. The reason I didn't want to be "friends" is because I still had feelings for him and it was too hard for me.

And the replying to him in hopes of getting him back? Doesn't work. I tried that at first...

You have all given me a lot of food for thought as to how I have been dealing with all of this (both good and bad). For that I thank you.

At the risk of making everybody mad, don't you think that we have had enough talk about exes today? Whatever motivates them is not relevant. Why they do what they do, is speculation on your part, and does it help to go over the past and speculate? If I could I would order all of you to go out and make two friends today and put those exes where they belong... buried in your past.

Southern,

After 2 months and he delivers THAT news.. oh girl, be glad he's not yours!! That had to be more than upsetting. You will soon see how his insensitve and borderline pathetic his actions are and will be more than glad you are not his new roomie!!

You are doing awesome... keep it up!!

Hey Tal, I have been meaning to ask you about my EX. Why does he... oooooh just kiddn... trying to get a chuckle out of you :) did it work??
:D

Thanks again for your advice and opinions on my situation everyone.

I know I need to just stop thinking about him and stop analyzing his motives behind all the choices he made... from his breaking up with me for the other girl up to his continued emails and phone messages after the breakup to this day. I even found myself rrecently thinking about not only just the breakup, but our entire relationship... was every positive thing he said to me just a lie? Tal, you were right. This hasn't been even remotely healthy.

I had been blaming myself for his dumping me for the other girl... feeling that I must not have been good enough in some way, didn't do anything right in the relationship, and this other girl was somehow "better" than me. I put him on a pedestal in my own mind after the breakup and blamed it all on myself. This kept me from feeling anger towards him. I was probably more angry at myself which caused me to become depressed, which screws up your thinking and delays your ability to get over things. I think the only correct getting over him tool I did put into practice was the "no contact" from my side. Looking back now, I know that part of my motivation for even doing that was hoping he would change his mind and want to reconcile. I wanted him to come back to me to take away my pain and I held on to that hope rather than working through my pain I think.

So since my final email to him a few days ago I have blocked his emails and may change my phone number... still thinking about that one. I have finally "given up" on him, which makes the breakup feel almost new to me. I don't think that I really dealt with it earlier this year because I held on the belief that we would get back together somehow. I have since learned that this is a BAD idea.

I have started exercising every day, been eating healthier, focusing more on my job, journaling a lot, reaching out more to my friends, etc. I still am upset about him a lot of the time, but I am trying to do what it takes to start to get over this once and for all now. I've spent basically this entire year with a broken heart over this guy. I've been thinking a lot about what some of you said to me: that I am responsible for my own happiness. That seemed a foreign concept to me after this breakup. I thought that my life and future were ruined because of him and there was no chance of my being at all happy now.

I have dated a bit since the breakup but nothing serious yet. I know that deep down I am scared to really fall for a guy right now. I really worry that he do what my ex did... seem like such a good guy that cares for me, but will meet someone else and dump me for her out of nowhere like he did, (with no indications that anything was wrong, that he was unhappy, no fighting, nothing). That's what happened with this breakup and it completely caught me off guard and threw me for a loop. It was scary because I really thought my ex loved me and was one of the "good guys". In my past breakups before this, there was always fighting, wierdness, talks about how things weren't working, efforts made to "fix" a problem, etc. Then when it was over, it was over. If the ex and I were in touch at all, we flirted, etc and reconciled in one way or another. In this case, just one day he changed and it was all over. Then he talked to me as if I was just one of his guy friends and almost didn't even acknowledge that we had ever even kissed... it was all so weird...

Sorry this post was so long, but I was thinking and just writing away. Anyway thanks for listening to me vent everyone and for your great advice. I love these boards.

I have started exercising every day, been eating healthier, focusing more on my job, journaling a lot, reaching out more to my friends, etc. I still am upset about him a lot of the time, but I am trying to do what it takes to start to get over this once and for all now. I've spent basically this entire year with a broken heart over this guy. I've been thinking a lot about what some of you said to me: that I am responsible for my own happiness. That seemed a foreign concept to me after this breakup. I thought that my life and future were ruined because of him and there was no chance of my being at all happy now.


NOW you're talking turkey! It will still be a long road, because in a way, you're just starting, having spent the last year in denial. Being responsible for your own happiness takes some getting used to if it was that foreign to you before. At first it may seem overwhelming, but as you get comfortable with it, I think you'll find a feeling of exhiliration and power as the positive implications take hold.




I have dated a bit since the breakup but nothing serious yet. I know that deep down I am scared to really fall for a guy right now. I really worry that he do what my ex did....

NO, No, no--definitely nothing serious yet--it's way too soon. You're right to be afraid that the same thing would happen again, because until you regain your inner composure and get confidence in your ability to choose your own happiness, you ARE likely to repeat the unhealthy patterns of the past. The danger isn't that HE will do what your ex did, it's that YOU will do what YOU did--throw caution to the winds, deny and ignore all warning signs and plunge headlong into water that was way over your head. You have LOTS of healing and learning to do before you're ready to dive into the deep end of the pool. Patience, friend. There is absolutely no hurry to get where you're going. A little saying I like to repeat when I feel anxious or impatient is "Whether or not I am aware of it, the universe is unfolding as it should". Take the time to build a really solid foundation within yourself. Believe me, it's time well spent.

It sounds like your ex may have been building up to this break-up for some time. When you are in love, you can become blind to things that are happening in the relationship such as signals your ex gives off while in the relationship, that things are not working. Your ex had switched himself off emotionally well before ending the relationship and thereby protecting himself from any emotional damage. He had more time to work through his feelings and (plan if you like) the breakup whereas you were just hit with it at the point he was ready to move on. I completely understand... If it helps you in any way, read through my thread, it was kind of similar in a way and some of the advice I was given may help you.. Here is a link if you wish to view it:https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/relationship-breakup-help-39548.html

I know however you are making progress and you must for your own sake follow all the advice you have been given so far.

There is someone out there for you who will appreciate you for who you are. You actually sound like a good genuine person and I am sure this ex gave up something he will later regret. Forget what he regrets though as this has nothing to do with your self-healing and your process of moving on.

Sometimes people just change their minds and it is not always your fault that it happens. Sure, there may have been mistakes made in the relationship but you must not blame yourself for the actions of others.

He is testing the waters right now and is the type of person who finds it hard to accept that YOU can move on and is just contacting you to see if this is the case. In doing so, he is actually preventing you from moving on, evidently through the issue you have raised here in this forum about how you feel about this contact from him. If you respond to him, you will give him exactly what he wants and it is no good for you to play along with this immature mind game he is playing (if that's what it is) which I know is not your intention.

Do what is best for you now, cut him off for good and move on!

One of the amazing things about people, me included, is the patterns our problems make. If we don't learn the lesson, it returns to knock on our door louder and louder until eureka, we get it! In looking back its possible to see it, given enough time. And when we are ready, we see our part in it which may be big or may be small but its what makes what happens in our life possible.

With that said, could it be that your "picker" is a bit off, as we used to say when it comes to men, Southern? That you don't see the guy for who he really is, that you are offering even subconsciously to get snowed in some way by looking easy to fool? Or naïve? Or moving too fast? Can you see a universal connection to the failed relationships that suggests your door is really being knocked on loudly now? If so, open that door and learn that key thing you need to and you will find it all soooo much easier, I promise. You are definitely doing many good things here -- bravo! Maybe there is room for adding one more. See your part, then you can change it. Change your part and you will change everything.

With that said, could it be that your "picker" is a bit off, as we used to say when it comes to men, Southern? That you don't see the guy for who he really is, that you are offering even subconsciously to get snowed in some way by looking easy to fool? Or naïve? Or moving too fast? Can you see a universal connection to the failed relationships that suggests your door is really being knocked on loudly now?



Oh yes, I do believe my "picker" is off... way off. Looking back now, this ex... though not quite as bad of a jerk as my ex before him... were both very similar in lots of ways and both broke my heart very badly.

The similarities between the two were not apparent at first or I wouldn't have fallen for Ex # 2. Ex # 2 seemed like such a good guy compared to Ex # 1. I fell for this latest guy while I was probably still nursing the broken heart over the first ex. Ex # 2 seemed to adore me and made me feel good again after a very bad breakup with the first guy. The first guy cheated, lied, led me on, he even had another girl pregnant during one of our "off and on" times which I found out about from someone else... no joke. He told me he wanted to get back together and tried to hide the pregnancy from me. He was seeing us both. I was all in love with the first too and ignored red flags. I was such an idiot over him!

I think this last breakup hurt so badly because I thought ex # 2 was such a better guy that wouldn't hurt me after what I had been through before. I thought I had finally found a good guy that had everything I was looking for. It hurts a lot to think of him with the other girl. I don't know how I will ever trust another guy.

Southern,

That is the danger in being hurt, bringing all that forward to the next relationship. That is why it is never good to get in to a new relationship soon after a breakup. Southern, please don't call yourself an idoit. Although, the other two have some serious issues, that is not a reflection on you as a person. There probably were good things about them, but
Their weaknessess possibly just overshadow any good they may have.

Please just take time for yourself. Do things you like to do and enjoy. Work on yourself, in being the best possible person you can be, surround yourself with those who truly care about you, the person, so when the right guy comes along, your heart will have healed and you will once again be able to love and trust and have a healthy loving relationship.

Southern, you will be more than okay :)

My gosh, stop dwelling on the past, and look to the future where you can do anything you want. Just get rid of the baggage.

You're right Tal. I know I need to stop dwelling on this. It's not helping anything. It's only hurting me more. I think that for me, his latest email (with the upsetting news) combined with the Thanksgiving holiday just caused a major setback, that's all.

... it just made me miss him. It hurts that he's with the other girl this holiday season when this time last year, he and I were discussing my move to him. It just all sucks. Blecch!