Hello... I'm a 38 year old female. I want to share my story because I am a survivor of sexual abuse. From the age of 2-6 years old I was abused by my father. My father went to prison for about 4 years. According to my mother my father had a terrible childhood and was abused himself. My father was able to plea insanity and did most of his time at the State Hospital. My mother visited him and took us kids to visit him on a regular basis. I remember one time my mom had sex with my father under a blanket at the hospital, but she doesn't know I know this, I think that's how they conceived my little sister. I have an older step sister a younger brother and sister. After my father finished his sentence he moved back in with us. I remember one time he made a comment after accidentally? Seeing me get out of the shower that I had a triangle patch growing below. I mentioned the comment to my mother and she confronted my father. I had never felt comfortable around him or even any affection he tried to give. My mother always made excuses to why he had done these things and even told stories about how her father acted towards her. I had never felt like my grandfather ever made any advances or acted out of the ordinary. The reason why am writing this story is because sometimes I need help. I need to feel normal, I think this has had an effect on me as a growing adult. As a child we went through counseling and I believe that has helped. I have recently distanced myself from my family because I do not feel that they contribute to a healthy environment. My mother always says she feels guilty and that she wants this all to end, but sometimes it is brought up. My son found out this happened to us by talking to my niece. I was always told to keep it within the family and don't tell anyone, including any of my relationships. I have an older sister that must have been going through some mid-life crises. I took my niece 16 into my house for about 3 months she had absolutely no respect. My oldest sister who is 46 worked for a prison and hooked up with a 21 year old inmate. My youngest brother smokes marijauna and has two childern which he takes care by himself. He was beat on by my father and he has beat his kids. My brother has gone through anger management classes but is still a mean guy at times. I have heard stories that my father touched him but am unsure whether that is true or not. My younger sister claims she was never touched by my father. She has gone by-pass surgery and lives with her husband who works for the sheriff's Dept. She has three children. I have heard stories that they do not take care of themselves very well and are in need of severe dental work. I have been to her house which at times has been very nausiating. I work for the government and have been doing rather well for myself. My mother has always said they are proud of me because I am the only one that has taken care of myself without asking for much help. Because of my lack of communication with my family I have felt very distant, however, I know that by staying out of this unhealthy relationship will be better for me. I just have had a lot of conflicts in my life lately and it would just be nice to have someone to talk to that may be able to understand a little bit. I try not to reflect on the past too much but focus on the future and keep moving ahead, but sometimes it gets depressing. My 18 year old son doesn't talk to me but he still talks to his grandma. At times his grandma seems like she's trying to help, but I know she has her ways with twisting words around and manipulating words to where everything is all right. I have decided to go on with my life and keep living it as positively as I can.

It sounds like to me, you are a success story, not a failure because of your past.

Despite the sexual abuse, you did all the right things. You told what happened, he was sent to prison, you received counselling, you moved on with your life and sound productive and solid.

There are no ways that I can think of to avoid being dragged into a miserable past, unless there are others around to drag you down, and you allow it.

While the members of your family continue to struggle for one reason or another, that is not your responsibility. Keeping them at a safe emotional distance is the best possible thing you can do.

While you may feel at times guilty about it, and it brings back memories that gets you thinking and re-living the past that they are still living in, you chose a different path in life, and no longer share or benefit from direct contact, even out of a sense of obligation.

People survive sexual abuse. They move past, and on, toward healthy goals and achievements, living lives that are different from where they came from. Memories cannot be erased, but they are clearly in your past, and your future was made by you, despite them.

There is no predicting, or changing the paths of others. As much as we can see why there are where they are, i.e. drug use etc. their choices are not yours, nor is everything tied to their childhood.

Keep what could have potentially kept you in the same boat as your siblings, at a distance, and try not to re-live your early childhood, because they are still on that old path. Don't let them, or anybody, influence the happiness you have created for yourself now.

You may never be able to really understand why they are the way they are. I know with one of my sisters, there has been no contact for over 7 years now, because I felt I was drowning anytime she was near me, and afterward, very depressed, and back in that place that I had long ago dealt with. Do what you have to do not to allow their lives to infiltrate yours.

You don't owe anybody an explanation, nor should you feel you have to make special considerations or ammends. This is your life.

I have to say that your mother did all the right things in backing you up, and seeing to counselling. She really gave you a very special gift, that so many of us have never had.

I don't know why your 18 year old is not talking to you, except that perhaps he is dealing with his own set of issues. Hopefully he will come around, and he likely will.

You have decided as you said, to go on with your life, and keep living it as positively as you can, and that is your formula for success. Don't let anybody hold you back.

Sometimes we go through periods when all the things that we have experienced, that have been done to us, or that we have done to others go round and round in our minds.

I suspect you're going through one of those times, and you're still trying to make sense of what happened.

The thing is, there is often NO sense to be made of what has happened and we can't change what other people have done or are doing.

You recognize that you family can be toxic and that they have difficulties. You're aware that you're a survivor and a fighter. This is great.

Sometimes we just need to get our story out into the light - you may benefit from talking to someone again, just so you can get it all off your chest once more.

Remember you're a fighter and you're doing well. Try not to think too much about the past - it drains the energy - but focus on the present and the probability of a happy future. Your son will eventually understand and respect your decisions.