Hey guys,


Last week my girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me. I was completely blindsided by it. We're in a long-distance relationship, but would have been out of one soon. Her reasoning is complicated, but basically she says that she feels like for the past 3.5 years she's been always making her decisions based upon me and what would make me happiest, and she needs to learn how to be independent and make decisions for her.

Of course I don't agree with that because I don't think this is the way to make things work. I wanted to continue to be with her to show her that I can help her with this but she says no. I asked her to give it one more shot and if she still feels this way at the end of the year, then I won't say a word. But still no. I drove 6 hours through the pouring rain to see her and try to change her mind, but nothing.

I know she's telling me the truth and I know there's no other guy. She would tell me if there was because as much as that would hurt, it would almost make things easier in a way.

I told her that she could walk the world and date a million guys and still not know if I was the one. I told her I wasn't sure if she was the one for me either (which is true), but that we had a rare opportunity. I'll admit that I haven't been the best boyfriend lately. I certainly haven't made her priority #1, and this isn't the first time I've done that -- not even close. But if we got back together now, and, knowing what I know now, I still drifted back into those old patterns, then we would know for certain that this wasn't going to work as is. But she said she couldn't do that, and believe me, I asked plenty of times.

What's so upsetting is that she claims she still loves me. She claims she wants this to all work out for us in the end, and that if we're meant to be, fate will decide it. But I don't believe in fate. I believe you can change things. And though she's clearly not ready for any relationship right now, I am. I want to need someone and be needed in return. I thought she could be that person. I honestly thought that she was the person I would be with for the rest of my life. I saw her last night and got her honest opinion in person for the first time. She told me one thing that she hadn't before: She said she still loved me with all her heart, but she didn't know if she was still in love with me or not.

She'll be home in a month, and I will too. I'm not going to wait for her because I owe it to myself not to, but on the same token, I desperately want things to somehow work out when she comes home. I feel like if it doesn't happen then, it never will, because we'll only drift farther apart and we may never live in the same city again.

My question is, I know she still loves me, but how do I make her miss me? She said she still wants to call me and IM me and talk to me, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do that... it'll hurt too much. I don't want to be too familiar, because then her attitude may never change. But I also don't want to block her out, because I feel like that's almost like asking her to drift away. And I don't want to breed a false sense of jealousy or anything like that... I'm just not that type of guy. But I don't know what to do. I would do anything to get her back, and to show her just how much I could love her. Please help.

You can't really make anyone miss you.
Missing a person is an emotion that comes naturally not through false pretences.

From what I understand you both seem different, with different views and different ideas.
I know they say opposite's attract, which is probably the case in your situation, but I don't know if there was a lot of compromise between you.

For now, leave her be. If she misses you, she will contact you.

Have no contact whatsoever with her now for 2-3 months.Read all the posts on here to guys in similar situations.

I'm in the same boat. The hardest thing to do is this and I still can't always do it. Agree with everything she says. Don't whine. Don't call her. Don't say I love you. NO candy or flowers. Woman like to be in control because they are so out of control of a lot of things about themselves. Make then think they are in control by agreeing and them leaving them alone. Pretty soon they will start to feel out of control and start to question their decision. If you call and whine and shower them with stuff then they are in control of you. Do not apologize for any reason about anything ever. Don't do anything to apologize for. Woman look for a father figure. Does a parent ever apologize to their kid? They shouldn't have a reason to apologize. Don't ever yell at her or call her names. If she gets mad then just listen to her, smile and agree with her or just walk away. Nothing is worth an argument with a woman. It will only make you miserable and lonely. Look at me. Look at us. We are here on the internet trying to figure out what the hell we did wrong. Nothing. It's their fault because they can be mean and controlling and if we let them get to us then we have screwed up. They will mess you up real bad if you let them. Be a man. Be better than that and know when to walk away. Sometimes women don't know what the hell they want. Mine is a little different. I think she has borderline personality diorder and it can be nasty stuff. Don't rule out mental problems with her. Don't tell her she's crazy though. If she's hard to get along with and seems to want to control and manipulate then she could have a personality disorder. There is plenty of info on the internet. Look it up but don't try to analyze or diagnose her. Ask yourself if she's worth it. Oh, and don't talk to her for at least two months. Agree with her and disappear. When you call her do it about once a month and talk about the weather or something besides a relationship. If she calls you then that might mean she's interested. It's your choice as to whether you want to answer the phone and how you want to respond. If you don't answer or seem indifferent to her then you are in control. Remember, if she's at all reasonable then always agree with a woman and do what she says. If she's wrong, don't tell her. She'll figure it out on her own. That's why they change their mind so much. I've never heard a woman admit to being wrong and don't push it if she is.

<<And though she's clearly not ready for any relationship right now, I am. I want to need someone and be needed in return>>

I think you actually need to be alone and see what you really want... "needing someone" is never a good basis for a relationship...

<<It's their fault because every last one of them deep down are mean and controlling and if we let them get to us then we have screwed up. They will mess you up real bad if you let them>>

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!! I certainly am not!!

Okay, some of that stuff came out a little differently than I intended. No, I don't NEED someone to be happy. I know I can be perfectly happy on my own. But I'm at the point in my life where I want to have someone to share that with. I want to be in a relationship.

And though our views on this differed, we're not opposites by any means. I have more in common with her than I do with any of my guy friends, and that's the truth. No, there wasn't a lot of compromise between us, and that was mostly my fault. But it's something I know I could've changed if she had given me a chance to work at it. All I wanted was another chance.

Please don't just say "don't call for 2-3 months." That doesn't help me. If you've ever been in this situation before, then you know it's not that easy. I wish I could just snap my fingers and not want to talk to her and tell her about my day, but I can't. Obviously I'm going to try... I have to. But that's not really advice that helps me right now.

Agree with everything she says..
That's already one wrong path in a relationship


Woman like to be in control because they are so out of control of a lot of things about themselves. Make then think they are in control by agreeing and them leaving them alone. Pretty soon they will start to feel out of control and start to question their decision.

Men like to be in control too, taking this sort of action and advice you are giving just proves that my friend.


Its their fault because every last one of them deep down are mean and controlling and if we let them get to us then we have screwed up. They will mess you up real bad if you let them. Be a man. Be better than that and know when to walk away. Sometimes women don't know what the hell they want. They are like a retard at Chuckee Cheese. Mine is a little different.

WOW you are so judgemental its unreal. Im :eek: to read such rubbish.

Mean and controlling... darling it takes 2 to tango!!


I think she has borderline personality diorder and it can be nasty stuff. Don't rule out mental problems with her. Don't tell her she's crazy though. If she's hard to get along with and seems to want to control and manipulate then she could have a personality disorder. There is plenty of info on the internet. Look it up but don't try to analyze or diagnose her. Ask yourself if she's worth it.

Are you a qualified Physcologist?? Are you a professional who can read in peoples heads??
:mad:

Very true, you need to get past the need. Because honestly do you really need a woman in your life. You WANT one and her breaking up right now is not something you like but you need to understand the difference between things you can change and things that you have to have the serenity to accept (may not have to like).

Everyone goes on breaks, or breaks up, if you feel you want a woman that is willing to work through this then move on right now and if she comes back she comes back, but trying to force someone to be 100% there will never work and you will push her away even more.

Just because you are ready doesn't mean she is. She told you exactly what she wanted. She wants to be independent from you, a relationship can't work if the couple can't be independent from one another then come together and make sacrifices down the road.

You need to stop thinking how horrible this is and see the true value and good in this. She never just cut you off, she still wants you in her life. You need to find things that bring you happiness outside of women, and be independent too. She will see that and maybe she won't come back but forcing it WILL never work.

Stop the contact for awhile. Let her call you. And don't always be available for awhile. Be busy but actually be busy

<Please don't just say "don't call for 2-3 months." That doesn't help me If you've ever been in this situation before, then you know it's not that easy.>

Most of us here are in that situation and we are trying to do precisely that!! I was even engaged and got the same line as you that he wants to be alone as he was making his decisions based on me and wanted to be alone to find himself again.
I know its not easy, but that is what you just have to do now.
We can try to convince them as much as we can but convincing someone never works and will make them run more in the opposite direction!! She wants to be alone, so leave her alone . In a month you will start to see things more clearly.. read all the posts by Skell and wildcat21 about this.

There's nothing wrong with being a little nutty every now and then, spices up life, and I mean that in every sense, its when you are judgemental and clueless shows what a nutter YOU really are.

You can't really make anyone miss you.
Missing a person is an emotion that comes naturally not through false pretences.

From what i understand you both seem different, with different views and different ideas.
I know they say opposite's attract, which is probably the case in your situation, but i dont know if there was alot of compromise between you.

For now, leave her be. If she misses you, she will contact you.
You can make someone miss you if you do it right. Act like she doesn't matter to you, yet be very attentive to what she needs.

You can make someone miss you if you do it right. Act like she doesn't matter to you, yet be very attentive to what she needs.
You see, you have no clue.
Acting should not be in the dictionary of any relationship, BEING YOURSELF should work, if that doesn't, bloody move on.. How sad
Moving on false pretences is no way to work on a relationship...
Clueless

Making her miss you is cruel, I suggest not doing it. It might backfire, and YOUR heart could get broken.

<<Sometimes women don't know what the hell they want. They are like a retard at Chuckee Cheese. Mine is a little different. >>

Well I have pity for the poor girl ;-))

<<I've been in a 12 year relationship with one and I still make mistakes.>>

12 year relationship!! Is that with the retard in chuckee cheese??

Yes you can make someone miss you if you do it right and listen and be attentive to what she needs. Woman aren't good communicators and men aren't good listeners. I've been in a 12 year relationship with one and I still make mistakes.

Well no ones perfect, but you quoted :- "They are like a retard at Chuckee Cheese. Mine is a little different" and you have been with her for 12 years... shows plenty of respect :cool: :rolleyes:
Not.

Women want respect, not acting!

If you want her to miss you then you need to have no contact with her at all. DO not call, IM or e-mail her. If she contacts you, don't respond, at least not right away and when you do keep it very short and sweet. Get busy with other activities so that you don't have the time to obsess about her. Meet and date other women. This is not to "breed a false sense of jealousy" but will serve two purposes: first, seeing other people gives you a more realistic perspective about this one as to whether she truly is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Having other dates to compare her to is likely to keep you from putting her on a pedestal, which is always a bad move. Secondly, when you show her that you don't need her and can be just as happy without her as with her, then she knows she's got to work at it if she wants to get you back and keep you. It essentially becomes a litmus test of her level of devotion to you, especially since she's the one who's initiating the breakup. You've hinted that maybe she felt that you didn't make her your #1 priority. Actually it's good that you didn't do that. Centering your life strictly around her would only push her away farther and faster as that would be seen as a sign of neediness and clinginess which is always a turn-off to women. Let her be the one to chase you. And if she wants to, she will. But you've got to make her want to do that and the way to do that is by being busy and aloof. Make her realize that she's got to make you the #1 priority in her life if she wants any chance of being with you.

Please don't just say "don't call for 2-3 months." That doesn't help me. If you've ever been in this situation before, then you know it's not that easy. I wish I could just snap my fingers and not want to talk to her and tell her about my day, but I can't. Obviously I'm going to try...I have to. But that's not really advice that helps me right now.

Actually, this will help you and it's the only thing that will. I know it may be hard to understand and even harder to do but this is what you need to do if you ever want to have any chance of missing her and getting her back. Trust us on this. Do it and see what happens.

Act like she doesn't matter to you, yet be very attentive to what she needs.

The first part of this is correct. The second part, however, is self-defeating and only contradicts what you accomplish by adhering to the first part.

sjb


Borderline Personality Disorder - Non-BPD

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm looking for someone that has experience being in a close relationship with someone that has BPD. I need to hear about stories of specific behaviours and symptoms of the illness from your point of view. I've been with someone that I think might have it.


Sjb , you have created 5 threads on borderline personality disorder in the last week! Is this with the woman of the relationship of 12 years??

Making her miss you is cruel, I suggest not doing it. It might backfire, and YOUR heart could get broken.

No, it's not cruel at all. It is true that it could backfire if he doesn't maintain the proper perspective and understand that his tactics MIGHT not work. It's the kind of situation where, if he does what he needs to do, things might work out but if he doesn't, things definitely WON'T work out.

<<I've seen her eyes glaze over and it's like something has taken over her. Should I get some Holy Water and sling it on her to see how she reacts? Most people would think it's funny if you did it to them but I guarantee that if I did that to her she would lose it on me and unleash a wrath of fury. I like to kid around with a little truth. But if I mention the name of God she'll start squirming and explode and lash out at me with anger. No I don't preach to her but I did try to discuss lifestyle changes like cutting out the pot and booze and cigs and getting healthy and away from her 285 lbs. and what was lacking in a lot of things and I always go the same response. It was frightening. I'm not a nut, just looking at it from all angles, the bpd mystery. What about other physical problems that may influence this behavior? Like blood pressure, diabetes, hypoglycemia, thyroid disorders,etc. What are the effects on me from 12 years of abuse and confusion and stress? I feel damaged for the rest of my life. It's like I can remember myself but not be able to feel it. Is this normal?>>

Sjb, don't you think its more a relationship problem here rather than a disease??

Of course sjb, yes, of course, myself, rol, s_cianci and everyone who has given lots of advice and support on AMHD, I forgot we are all wrong! My sincere apologies...

You are off your little box mate.
Are you sure you are not the one with Borderline personality disorder?

I feel terrible for the OP right now. You people are all bickering and arguing and have forgotten exactly what this thread is about.

Krs, sjb, and rol, you have effectively stole this thread.

Can we get back to helping the OP before the mods pull this thread and warn you all?

I was trying to give sound advice to the OP. I still know exactly what is the problem about.
I also do feel terrible for bickering on HIS thread but I could hardly keep quiet when some sexiest could talk down about women the way he did.. calling us Retards.

So I do apologise to Tadano but I have no respect for sjb.

Can we really getting warnings?

<<I don't quite know or care about how to use a computer right but I'm learning. And I may have forgotten what I posted. Can you help me with BPD. If not then what do you care?>>

Well... you have managed to upset about 4 women here on the board just by a few comments within the space of 30 minutes!! So I cannot imagine the effect on this woman who you have been with for 12 years... and I can understand why 'her eyes are glazing and it's like something has taken over her'.so instead of bpd thread maybe its time to open a new thread on "how to communicate well with a woman and keep her happy"

rol, can you please answer only to the OP? This other person is a thread stealer. The OP came here for answers, not to watch you bicker with a thread thief.

OK sorry :) I had already added that after we got your other message

rol, can you please answer only to the OP? This other person is a thread stealer. The OP came here for answers, not to watch you bicker with a thread thief.

The thread thief himself, needs to get a good telling from the mods. He instiguated us, and belowed us, which is uncalled for. I don't understand why I have to explain myself, as everyone can read what he was saying.

Now back to the original thread :-


Okay, some of that stuff came out a little differently than I intended. No, I don't NEED someone to be happy. I know I can be perfectly happy on my own. But I'm at the point in my life where I want to have someone to share that with. I want to be in a relationship.

And though our views on this differed, we're not opposites by any means. I have more in common with her than I do with any of my guy friends, and that's the truth. No, there wasn't a lot of compromise between us, and that was mostly my fault. But it's something I know I could've changed if she had given me a chance to work at it. All I wanted was another chance.

Please don't just say "don't call for 2-3 months." That doesn't help me. If you've ever been in this situation before, then you know it's not that easy. I wish I could just snap my fingers and not want to talk to her and tell her about my day, but I can't. Obviously I'm going to try...I have to. But that's not really advice that helps me right now..

3.5 years is a long time to just throw away just like that.

Seeing as I assume you know each other through and through, why not before deciding on any drastic decissions meet up with the girl and sit together and talk and talk and talk. Especially that you feel you can just cut off contact with her.

Communicate with each other what you want from life, each other and everything you can think of.
But as you've stated before, you've tried that already. So giving her space is prob the best thing you could do right now. For her and also for you.

<<Seeing as I assume you know each other through and through, why not before deciding on any drastic decissions meet up with the girl and sit together and talk and talk and talk.
>>

No I don't think he should talk anymore, he has already drove down to see her and tried to convince her... right now she needs time alone to miss him and get what she wants i.e. her independence.

Remember the "no contact" rule we preach here over and over again. It really does work.

No contact means no IM, no text, no e-mail, no phone calls. Make yourself unavailable.

I realize that talking isn't going to accomplish anything. We talked for a good two hours face to face last night and trust me, there was still something there. She's made it clear that she doesn't want me out of her life, and that's the hard part. She wants to still be able to call me every once and a while and IM me because I think she does legitimately want to get back together someday. Or at the very least, that's what she thinks she wants.

But on the other side, she's clearly lost some of that love for me because if she truly did still love me, she'd want to be together now. Obviously I can't ever make her do that and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where it was forced. And I don't want her out of my life either, because if I push her out now I don't see how things could ever work. But at the same time, talking to her only gives me a false sense of hope. So I'm going to hurt either way.

And yes, my biggest fault was that I didn't always make her my #1 priority. She was the one that wanted me for a long time before I wanted her, and that dynamic I guess kind of never left. She did always give in, and I was too stubborn to. And that's a mistake I swear I will never make in a relationship again, be it with her or anyone else.

See, the thing is... what went wrong before will very likely go wrong again should you reunite as a couple. Rarely do people get at what went really wrong, and especially for both people. So it rarely gets completely corrected. And if you both settle for hanging around each other in some sort of less than a relationship but not over thing, well, when someone else with potential comes along for either of you, LOL plan on that getting all around awkward in a hurry. This is one good reason to consider it over when its over, there are others.

Just some things to think about...

See, the thing is.... what went wrong before will very likely go wrong again should you reunite as a couple. Rarely do people get at what went really wrong, and especially for both people. So it rarely gets completely corrected. And if you both settle for hanging around each other in some sort of less than a relationship but not over thing, well, when someone else with potential comes along for either of you, LOL plan on that getting all around awkward in a hurry. This is one good reason to consider it over when its over, there are others.

Just some things to think about....

I agree with you completely, and that's why I am trying to consider it over. I appealed to her last night when I said that honestly, if you took me back now and I made the same mistakes, then we'd know it wasn't meant to be way more than we would know from years of being apart. But she had made up her mind and I don't think she still loves me enough to make it work ever, which is why it sucks that she keeps giving me little snippets of hope. I mean, I just don't see how it's possible for her to fall back in love with me after something like this, but she seems to think it is. And I know she's not just saying that to try and make me feel better -- that's not her at all, and believe me, I know her better than anybody. But it's so hard not to hope.

Hey guys,


Last week my girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me. I was completely blindsided by it. We're in a long-distance relationship, but would have been out of one soon. Her reasoning is complicated, but basically she says that she feels like for the past 3.5 years she's been always making her decisions based upon me and what would make me happiest, and she needs to learn how to be independent and make decisions for her.

Of course I don't agree with that because I don't think this is the way to make things work. I wanted to continue to be with her to show her that I can help her with this but she says no. I asked her to give it one more shot and if she still feels this way at the end of the year, then I won't say a word. But still no. I drove 6 hours through the pouring rain to see her and try to change her mind, but nothing.

I know she's telling me the truth and I know there's no other guy. She would tell me if there was because as much as that would hurt, it would almost make things easier in a way.

I told her that she could walk the world and date a million guys and still not know if I was the one. I told her I wasn't sure if she was the one for me either (which is true), but that we had a rare opportunity. I'll admit that I haven't been the best boyfriend lately. I certainly haven't made her priority #1, and this isn't the first time I've done that -- not even close. But if we got back together now, and, knowing what I know now, I still drifted back into those old patterns, then we would know for certain that this wasn't going to work as is. But she said she couldn't do that, and believe me, I asked plenty of times.

What's so upsetting is that she claims she still loves me. She claims she wants this to all work out for us in the end, and that if we're meant to be, fate will decide it. But I don't believe in fate. I believe you can change things. And though she's clearly not ready for any relationship right now, I am. I want to need someone and be needed in return. I thought she could be that person. I honestly thought that she was the person I would be with for the rest of my life. I saw her last night and got her honest opinion in person for the first time. She told me one thing that she hadn't before: She said she still loved me with all her heart, but she didn't know if she was still in love with me or not.

She'll be home in a month, and I will too. I'm not going to wait for her because I owe it to myself not to, but on the same token, I desperately want things to somehow work out when she comes home. I feel like if it doesn't happen then, it never will, because we'll only drift farther apart and we may never live in the same city again.

My question is, I know she still loves me, but how do I make her miss me? She said she still wants to call me and IM me and talk to me, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do that...it'll hurt too much. I don't want to be too familiar, because then her attitude may never change. But I also don't want to block her out, because I feel like that's almost like asking her to drift away. And I don't want to breed a false sense of jealousy or anything like that...I'm just not that type of guy. But I don't know what to do. I would do anything to get her back, and to show her just how much I could love her. Please help.
What u do is act as if u want her back then have a girl of your pick call her and ask if she wants u back if she says yes or no tell her to late he's taken

Hi there,

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I know all the emotions you are going through. 3.5 years is a long time to be in a serious relationship for it to just end suddenly. I have come out of a similar relationship so can imagine how this must be tearing you up inside.


Her reasoning is complicated, but basically she says that she feels like for the past 3.5 years she's been always making her decisions based upon me and what would make me happiest, and she needs to learn how to be independent and make decisions for her.

This is a good point to look at in more detail. Is she young? (18 - 25), is this her first serious relationship. If so, she may feel like she has missed out on something and that she missed the opportunity to be single and go out and have fun. She may need to test herself to see if she can be alone or just feel tied down at too young an age. Forgive me if I am wrong and if this is not relevant to her but I am unsure as I can't see the age quoted anywhere else in this thread. I think age is an important factor not to be ignored. If you would like read my thread under 'relationship breakup help', here is the link: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/relationship-breakup-help-39548.html

It may have some relevant responses that may relate in some way to how you can deal with this problem.


Of course I don't agree with that because I don't think this is the way to make things work. I wanted to continue to be with her to show her that I can help her with this but she says no. I asked her to give it one more shot and if she still feels this way at the end of the year, then I won't say a word. But still no. I drove 6 hours through the pouring rain to see her and try to change her mind, but nothing.

She has told you that she wants to be alone (at least for now). She wants to be single and independent. You cannot force people to change their minds and trying to do so will only push her further and further away. Respecting her decision is a mature way to deal with this and no doubt she would respect you for dealing with it in this way. Don't get me wrong, I also went down this road of trying to convince my ex to give it another shot, but it does not work, TRUST ME!


I know she's telling me the truth and I know there's no other guy. She would tell me if there was because as much as that would hurt, it would almost make things easier in a way.

I kind of relate to what you are saying here, because if you knew that there was someone else, you would be questioning yourself less. Questioning where it all went wrong and what it was you thought you did or did not do in the relationship is initially part of the process of recovery. This is predominantly the case when you are the one who is quite suddenly left behind i.e. the dumpee.


I told her that she could walk the world and date a million guys and still not know if I was the one. I told her I wasn't sure if she was the one for me either (which is true), but that we had a rare opportunity.

Perhaps this is an ideal opportunity for you both to work out the answer to this question. By dating others and experiencing new situations, you may both become aware of your compatibility. How are you and she to know if she and you are the one if you have not ever known anything different? I would not suggest however entering into a relationship too soon until the wounds are healed as this will result in a rebound and further problems.


I'll admit that I haven't been the best boyfriend lately. I certainly haven't made her priority #1, and this isn't the first time I've done that -- not even close. But if we got back together now, and, knowing what I know now, I still drifted back into those old patterns, then we would know for certain that this wasn't going to work as is. But she said she couldn't do that, and believe me, I asked plenty of times.

I understand what you are saying here. You realise now what it is you think you did wrong and now that you are dumped, you want the chance to put it right..

You will give anything to have that chance. The chances of you falling back into the patterns you describe is very likely without you giving yourself and herself time to work on yourselves ALONE and Independently of each other. If you were to do this and have time apart to work on yourselves, if you did get back together, there would be a better chance of things working out better this time. You cannot make improvements by just reconciliation immediately without working on yourself. Also, she has pointed out that she wants to explore her independence and this is an important message she has given you, not to be ignored.


What's so upsetting is that she claims she still loves me. She claims she wants this to all work out for us in the end, and that if we're meant to be, fate will decide it. But I don't believe in fate. I believe you can change things. And though she's clearly not ready for any relationship right now, I am. I want to need someone and be needed in return. I thought she could be that person.

She has hinted that she may want to give it another go, not just now though. She wants time to herself, ALONE. Yes, you can change things, but you can't change them by pushing and trying to force someone to change their mind because you think you may have it all worked out. You also can't change things permanantly without the risk of falling back into negative patterns without taking time out to work on yourself and other key areas in your life.

You also say that you want to need someone and be needed in return. By saying this, you are basically saying that you cannot be without her, She is your world, your life and you want yourself to be the same to her. There is a famous guy in this forum who consistently points out that: (quote) 'women are a part of your life, not your life'. If you check out some other threads you will see this valuable advice. That is why I think you may need some time out of this relationship to work on other areas of your life so that you become less available and don't place too much importance on one person alone.



My question is, I know she still loves me, but how do I make her miss me? She said she still wants to call me and IM me and talk to me, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do that...it'll hurt too much. I don't want to be too familiar, because then her attitude may never change.

The best things you can do here is to:

1.) Maintain NO CONTACT! I must point out that No Contact is a time for you to work on yourself i.e. go to the gym, work hard, study, whatever.. It should not be viewed as a means of getting her back. I was making this mistake but I got put right on this one by a few wise fellows. You do slip back and forth in your thinking but it will improve.

2.) Keep yourself busy, go to the gym, take up an old hobby, spend time with friends and relatives, whatever.. Try to avoid alcohol where possible (it won't help)

3.)Try not to dwell on the past too much and what you think you did wrong, focus on what you can do for yourself to improve you, as a person.

I am not suggesting you do all these things in the hope that the two of you will get back together. Don't just take a break and wait to see if she comes back but take a clean sweep break. Don't close those options of someone else coming into your life. Maybe someday you'll end up with her again, maybe not, but live your life as though the latter is the only possibility.


I can see that you are at the very early stages of your grieving and persisting in your thoughts (understandably) of getting her back and this is normal. I have been in this place too and I won't make any false claims to being completely free of this way of thinking. I am now nearly 12 weeks post break-up and there is pain still there for me too.

It is all very fresh for you and in time things will start to become clearer and you will understand what people tell you in here more. It won't be easy and you will have many ups and downs. You will become stronger and will impove and if I can reiterate anything that is said in this forum, I will reiterate this: Time is a great healer and really does help.

I really do hope that it all works out for the best for you BOTH.. and just remember the saying 'every cloud has a silver lining'

Sorry about the long post... I got WAAAAAYYYYY too carried away after 3 cups of Nescafe Coffee..

Geoff said it best, and if there is any doubt, review the relationship forum, and see how many guys have been where you are, and how far they have come, previous poster included. Click on his name and I bet you can relate to his story.

How about this?

This whole thread is focusing on her and manipulating the way she feels.

Can I suggest something to you that maybe a bit easier?

Concentrate on you and your actions and feelings. Considering she is her and you have no control over another person it would be naïve and foolish of you to think that any 'tactic' will make her miss you.

Concentrate on you. Work out what pushed her away (you have already begun this... Good!), work on making yourself a better person.

It is about YOU, not her...


Oh yeah... Just read Geoff's posts. It is the best one by far here because it focuses on you!!

You can click on my name too for a very very similar story (my first thread). I was like you. Was selfish at times. I have recognised that and am learning about me now. Not worrying about her.

Hey, why not take some time out for yourself - Take the focus of her for awhile and do something you enjoy doing. Ring someone you've been meaning to catch up with for awhile and do something fun and spontaneous.. This might help the time to pass.

Thanks a lot Geoff, I really appreciate your advice.

I think my title for this post is a bit misleading. I'm not saying I want to manipulate her feelings or anything like that. But I do know there's something there and I'm pretty certain it could work. I just wish she would embrace it instead of pushing it away.

What I really hate is just the thought of saying "oh if it was meant to be it will be." Because that's simply untrue. This isn't a movie, and love doesn't just instantly reemerge if you don't work at it. It's just really hard to shut her out because I think by doing that I'm killing any chance of this ever working again. I know it's what I have to do. It's just really, really hard.

No, I know you don't want to manipulate her feelings but you are still worried about her and what she is doing, thinking etc.

Am I right?

The point I make is that she is completely out of your control so worrying about those things will get you nowhere.

What I do know will get you somewhere is worrying about yourself. And as I said Geoff makes heaps of great points so I'm glad you liked what he wrote.

And you are right. It isn't a movie. It is life. And in life you can't make people miss you.

What you can do is life is be real, act real and be who you are.

That's life mate. Its your life. So worry about it and no one else's.

I think my title for this post is a bit misleading. I'm not saying I want to manipulate her feelings or anything like that. But I do know there's something there and I'm pretty certain it could work. I just wish she would embrace it instead of pushing it away.



Perhaps she is pushing it away because she doesn't share your feelings that there is something there.

Just because you think there is something there doesn't mean there is. When we love someone and are finding it hard to let go we look for things that aren't in reality there at all. We fabricate things in our mind in order to make ourselves feel better. In actual fact those fabrications will only make it harder.

You have to realise now that for all intents and purposes she is gone and most probably never coming back.

So time to work on you like I have said above.

Don't worry so much about her.

Geoff will tell you. He knows! Don't you Geoff??

Trust me too. I know. Read mine and Geoffs experiences. And the many others here!!

But if it is meant to be it is meant to be. If you too were perfect for one another, you two would still be dating. There are some strong feelings there but she needs time away so you have to move on. I am going through the same thing right now. It has only been a month but I did not contact her once during that time. She called me and said how much she misses me and was thinking about me. I will never be vindictive or rude to her but that doesn't mean I have to be at her beckon call. YOU YOU YOU!! I feel so much better about myself since the breakup. I have lost 15 lbs, starting to get into shape. Starting getting closer to my sister and my family and able to hang out with my close boys that I neglected while I was dating.

I will tell you this, I am in love with her and I am able to move on. I have no choice. She is not 100% there, I know there are other women out there and I will not just do it for a rebound. Closing yourself will only make it worse. She may be the best thing for you but she needs space and time and wants to be alone.


You said probably some pretty important info you might want to make sure you are attentive too. She said she wants you in her life and wants to call and talk. Is that fair to you to let her string you along and drag you on right now? I am not saying you need to disappear. 2 to 3 months is a great idea. I agree in terms of not being the one calling. If she calls I say you can call back in the next day or two. Be busy. She still has feelings but those will go away the more face to face talks and talking about her feelings. She wants to be alone. ONLY SHE knows how she feels and most of the time she won't tell you exactly what is going on in her head. You know this, so you need to move on enjoy life and all it has to offer and hopefully she does come back. But if she doesn't would it be the worst thing in the world that HAPPENED!! Right now it looks like it would be, but you are telling me one girl could make you want to die and kill yourself. No you don't have to like it but understand this happens to a lot of people. Just on this site, it has happened. The success stories have nothing to do with her coming back. If they do that is because you took the time to DATE YOURSELF and understand what you want in life and what makes you happy. She only makes you happy when you are able to be yourself because you know what you want and she fits perfect like a piece of a puzzle. Your life is complete but with her it makes it better.

So take Geoff's advice, read past forums and don't try to plan the future.

A good quote might help you: "You may not be able to reverse what happened in the past, but you can start your day over whenever you want. You have 24 hours to do that"

There are so many great things out there, be lucky to be alive and well. There are much worse things that could have happened to you then a break or breakup.

<<What I really hate is just the thought of saying "oh if it was meant to be it will be." Because that's simply untrue. This isn't a movie, and love doesn't just instantly reemerge if you don't work at it. It's just really hard to shut her out because I think by doing that I'm killing any chance of this ever working again. I know it's what I have to do>>

Just think of it this way if she does not get it out of her system now , it will only come up again in a few months or years... So for now let her have her independence and please don't go into friend zone... I did the friend zone for 5 months and I think it would have been much better for both of us not to have seen each other during that time. No contact from the beginning I believe is really the best way to go.

Just think of it this way if she does not get it out of her system now , it will only come up again in a few months or years...So for now let her have her independence and please dont go into friend zone...i did the friend zone for 5 months and i think it would have been much better for both of us not to have seen each other during that time. No contact from the beginning i believe is really the best way to go.

Again, very good answer, I totally agree! Could not spread the rep rol, site would not let me again.

One thing tadano, it is very important for you to stop your focus on the idea that she may be coming back. It is very, very, hard to accept this and to follow an alternative path in your way of thinking. In all honesty, I have found this the hardest battle in my grieving process but I got some really great advice on this website from people who have been through the same thing that pointed me in the right direction. I am not saying that this alone will make you accept this, but listening to this advice and really taking time out to think about it is certainly a positive step in the right direction.

I took my thread and (might sound a bit mad) re-read it each time I was slipping back into negative thinking because this stuff really does help and puts things into perspective. It will be hard for you to see all this now because you are still at a very early stage. I completely understand.


When we love someone and are finding it hard to let go we look for things that arent in reality there at all. We fabricate things in our mind in order to make ourselves feel better. In actual fact those fabrications will only make it harder.

I like this part of Skell's post.. Perhaps you are fabricating things in your mind simply because she is gone. Are you missing her? Or missing what you had together?

I'm certainly not questioning your love for her as I am sure there were strong feelings there. One thing is for sure, you pushed her away and you need to work out what pushed her away. The only way you can begin to do this is to start the process of healing by letting go of the hope and beginning to work on yourself..

None of us are perfect, we all fall short of perfection and we all make mistakes. There is nothing wrong with this but the man or woman that recognises these mistakes and imperfections has an advantage because he or she can make improvements and make steps not to repeat mistakes.


You have to realise now that for all intensive purposes she is gone and most probably never coming back.

I don't want to come across as brutal here but this part of Skell's post is very important because you must TRY and accept this before you can begin to work on yourself. I know it's hard, it even seems impossible. I struggle with this still at times but you just must do this, for your own sake.

It will be much harder if you cling on to the hope that she will come back.

If you have any other questions or you are just feeling down and need to vent off, feel free to post at any time. This is a great support network you have discovered here and it will help you immensly.

<<I took my thread and (might sound a bit mad) re-read it each time I was slipping back into negative thinking because this stuff really does help and puts things into perspective>>

That makes 2 of us mad ones ;-)i did the same , printed out the thread and read it each night , the first 4 weeks or so of no contact are terrible, but it gets better...

I agree with you completely, and that's why I am trying to consider it over. But it's so hard not to hope.
Like Yoda said, there is do and there is do not, there is no try. I am not being flippant -- it is the truth here. If you are broken up, then it is over. I can certainly appreciate the hope you keep cooking up, the temptation to drag out the letting go by still seeing each other --its all tempering the pain of the break up. I don't think you two need to be friends to each other as much as you each need your respective friends right now though. Sooner or later you need to enter that process of grieving (which you can only do alone) because it is that which leads also to your recovery. And I believe continued contact with an ex interferes with that. Like others have said, time to focus on you, I think?

Accepting the fact she wants to do something else is the first step in the healing process.

But I do know there's something there and I'm pretty certain it could work. I just wish she would embrace it instead of pushing it away.

We have no control over anyone and we can only control ourselves.

No, it's not cruel at all. It is true that it could backfire if he doesn't maintain the proper perspective and understand that his tactics MIGHT not work. It's the kind of situation where, if he does what he needs to do, things might work out but if he doesn't, things definitely WON'T work out.


YES, it is. How can you say that it isn't? If she wants to miss him, she will. She might not let on missing him or not miss him at all because, guess what, she may not want him. Honesty is a pure blow to the ego on this one, but wanting to mess with her head just shows how much he wants to possess her actions and feelings for his own immoral doing. He should stop trying to control her and let things be, what must be, will be.

Let me say that if he did what he needed to do in the first place they 1) MIGHT still be together and 2) Would have let go and accepted the break up/distance from one another. It's selfish and uncalled for.

It's not a matter of head games. It's simple psychology. I'm not an expert in that field so I can't honestly say I thoroughly understand how or why it works but let me share a story with you all that'll illustrate how things work when following all the standard advice given on this forum. A number of years ago, before the technology that we now take for granted, such as caller ID, the internet, etc. became commonplace, I dated a woman, a single mother with a 2-year-old, for about 3 months. Then she broke up with me. Well I accosted her and demanded to know WHY she was breaking up with me (bad mistake, I now know) and she stated that I wasn't affectionate, too hard to get to know and other similar things. In short, she implied that I wasn't paying enough attention to her. Actually, I now know that that was the exact opposite of her real complaint as I have to admit, in retrospect, that I was very needy, clingy, wanting to be with her all the time, getting angry when she'd break a date, etc. I didn't call her every single day but several times a week and expected her to accompany me every time I went somewhere socially, etc. In other words, I didn't let her chase me, I didn't challenge her and, worst of all, I didn't give her any space whatsoever. But of course, since she gave me the exact opposite impression, I responded by being even more clingy, calling every single day, sending roses, making protestations of love ; in short, smothering her even more. Now it "worked" for about 2 weeks in that she seemingly "responded" to my overtures. After all, I was giving her what she said she wanted so how could she not? But then, she dropped a bomb on me that she was relocating about 700 miles away, stating that she "really felt it was the best thing for her and her child right now." She wouldn't say anything more, despite my badgering and wanting to know "why" and "specifics." I say "bomb" because, in the 3 months that we stayed together, she never once mentioned to me that she was considering such a move and common sense told me that one doesn't make a major life-altering decision like that on the spur of the moment. She was unemployed at the time, so it wasn't for professional reasons or anything like that. So, naturally, rightly or wrongly, that caused me to question her honesty and brand her as a bit of a hypocrite, complaining that I wouldn't open up to her, while there were obviously a lot of things she hadn't shared with me either. Anyhow, I accepted the fact at this point that it was over and, with much anger and begrudgement, decided to let it go. Now, fast forward about 2 months later. I had just crawled into bed after a full day (I did keep busy during those years, so I at least did something right lol), at about 10:30 (which was a rare luxury for me in those days, to get to bed that "early"), knowing that I had to be up at 4:45 the next morning and that my day wouldn't come to an end until after midnight the next morning, when the phone rang. Needless to say, I was more than a little annoyed and I'm sure it showed in my voice when I answered. It turned out to be this woman, of all people. I questioned her about her move, thinking she must have been making a long-distance call, and she stated that she was going to "postpone" the move for a while. She asked me if I was seeing anyone and I just replied with a (truthful), flat-out "no." Now, of course, a wiser response would have been to hesitate a little, then say something like "well, no, nothing serious anyhow." I did abruptly end the conversation as I was quite tired and wanted to get some sleep. Furthermore, my ego was still bruised from her having broken up with me so based on that I really wasn't interested in talking to her, although there was no real reason for me not to, other than that I was tired and needed some sleep. Now, about 2 weeks later, in the middle of the day, she called me again. This time, I was just sitting at home relaxing with really nothing to do. I could have easily spared some time to talk with her and should have, but instead, still feeling wounded and bruised, once again brushed her off and abruptly ended things. Well she must have gotten the "message" because she never contacted me again. Now the point in all of this is, that if I had played my cards right and not let my wounded pride get the better of me, I could have possibly gotten back with her to at least see her occasionally. Things didn't have to be completely over between us for good. The fact was, opportunity was staring me in the face and I let it slip by. But the main point is that her interest was rekindled by my becoming aloof and essentially forgetting all about her, not trying to contact her and keeping plenty busy. That made her have to chase me. And that wasn't the first or last time that I had a former love interest contact me out of the blue like that after I had written them off as gone for good. So the point is, if you want someone to miss you and have second thoughts about having let you go, you do need to become aloof and disinterested and find other things to occupy your time and not be in contact with them. Then, if they do come back, keep it on your terms ; you'll see them when you have the time. If any of their behaviors make you uncomfortable, then they either modify their behavior or you fly away.

Can't spread the rep but nice story s_cianci

I wish I knew what SHE wanted. I don't even think she really knows. But when I saw her Wednesday night I mean she took my hand and kept hugging me and giving me kisses on the cheek -- does that sound like someone who doesn't still have any feelings to you? It certainly doesn't to me.

Well at any rate I called her last night not to talk, but just to tell her that listen, I know you want to be friends but you have to realize that when you call or text me or whatever you have to realize that I look at that as a hope that we'll get back together. So if that's not how you want me to see it, then don't do it. She asked if I was mad at her and I said yes, I think its hard for me to not be a little mad. At any rate she sounded very sad on the phone and then I said that's all I have to say and I hung up. I felt way better for the rest of the night, but then I woke up this morning and feel like crap again and all I want to do is see her even though I know that's the worst thing I could do. Gahh I hate this.

NO more calls to her .its going to make you feel even worse...
I know exactly how you feel , by the false signals she's giving as in holding hands etc,I've had the same , she's confused, please just focus on YOU now and disappear...

NO more calls to her .its going to make you feel even worse.....
I know exactly how you feel , by the false signals shes giving as in holding hands etc,ive had the same , shes confused, please just focus on YOU now and disappear....

I ditto this advice..

If you keep talking to her, you are losing mate!

Not trying to make it sound like a game, because it is very much NOT a game. What I mean here is by communicating with her, you are (like you say) creating false hope for yourself and you will be losing in the path to recovery.

PLEASE, for your own sake, no more calls or any contact!

If you think you are about to do it, think twice, come on here and talk, but don't make any impulsive decisions.

I'm trying, I really am. I've taken to writing letters that I'll never send because it makes me feel better to get it down on paper. Calling friends helps, too.

I just feel so cheated. She says she needs space but she was always the one complaining that I didn't act interested enough. She says she needs to make her own decisions but I've never stopped her in my life. And she says she loves me but I know she doesn't. If she did, this wouldn't be happening. It's a tough thing to come to grips with. A month ago, I was having the time of my life with the girl I thought I was going to marry, and she was just as happy as I've ever seen her. And now she's gone. I don't understand it, and even when I do get over it, I still don't think I'll understand it.

I'm trying, I really am. I've taken to writing letters that I'll never send because it makes me feel better to get it down on paper. Calling friends helps, to

This is good, putting your thoughts and feelings on paper (but no sending! ), talking on here, talking to friends and family. This all helps to release these emotions, this is part of your healing and is a positive action that will help you to recover from this. Well Done!


I just feel so cheated. She says she needs space but she was always the one complaining that I didn't act interested enough. She says she needs to make her own decisions but I've never stopped her in my life.

I understand you feel cheated.. I felt like this, I still do at times..

You never stopped her from making her own decisions tadano but the relationship did. This is why she needs her space..

Sure you may have acted like you were not interested enough at times but you are analyzing what you think YOU have done rather than understanding that the very fact that she was in this relationship made her feel tied down and unable to explore her need for independence.

It may not be something you have done. It could be that she is going through a phase and needs to explore who she is, what she wants in life... When you are young (forgive me,still don't know age factor here) and in a relationship, this can prevent you from exploring these things because you simply don't have your freedom to do so.


And she says she loves me but I know she doesn't. If she did, this wouldn't be happening.

This is interesting because when you first posted, you said you knew she loved you. Now you are questioning this and saying that you know she does not love you. The thing is, you are basing this on what is happening by saying if she loved me, this would not be happening.

I suppose there is kind of some truth to this. It is true, she may not love you!!

I am sorry to bring truth home, but you have already voiced a possibility here.

However, sometimes you can love someone, yet also feel that other areas of your life need fulfillment. In this case, from what she has told you, it seems that she felt that the relationship was holding her back from exploring her independence. This is something I believe all should experience at some stage in their lives (prefereably while young) to discover who they really are.

You will not get all the answers you want and you will certainly not get them from her.

A wise person told me on this forum in one of my threads:
Do not waste time and energy trying to analyze anothers reasons for doing something. They may not know so how can you know.

This makes a lot of sense!!

You are doing well and by seeking help on here, you are already beginning your journey to freedom from this hole you temporarily feel you cannot come out of.

You must TRY and focus your mind on other things like I said before.. HARD I KNOW!!
I know how hard this is for you, I have been through this and the first few weeks are terrible, REALLY HARD!! It will get better, I don't expect you to understand everything now, I still have trouble and moments of sadness and pain, it really is a time thing...

In my first 2 weeks, I spent nearly every evening on a beach alone just thinking like you were, analyzing, playing everything over and over in my head... I could not work it out, no matter how hard I tried.

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is keep busy, occupy your mind as much as possible and surround yourself with friends and family.. This is hard too, especially in the first few weeks.. but try the best you can!

s_cianci said: It's not a matter of head games. It's simple psychology.

Oxymoron alert. I am going to unsubscribe from this thread before it gets ugly.

Geoff -- I really appreciate all your advice, you definitely seem to know exactly what I'm going through. And yeah, I don't know if she really does love me. Well, let me rephrase that. I know that she loves me, and I know that a little part of me will always love her. But there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone, and I don't know if she's still IN love with me. I'm not sure if she even knows.

I think you're absolutely right. I think it's impossible for me to figure anything out because I don't think she really knows the answers herself. I guess that's the worst part, because I feel like she's on the fence and could go either way, and all I would need is one chance that I might never get and I could instantly bring her back. I don't really like her roommates that she sees everyday -- I think they're very immature, and I think she's influenced by them a little and curious about what their "single" lives. So I just feel like now that it's out of my hands, she's intentionally making it impossible for me to fix it. And that's hard to swallow, because as little as three weeks before the breakup she was still obviously very much in love with me, and I just don't know how this happened.

I realize we're young (we both turn 22 soon) and that in the long run this will probably be for the best. But I also don't believe in fate or anything like that, and I don't believe that if it's meant to be it'll be without any help. I believe that if it's meant to be, you have to work to get it. Sometimes you have to make your own luck.

Unfortunately, I also realize there's nothing I can do other than worry about myself. It just sucks to look at her away message all the time and see her little smiley faces that used to be reserved for me. And I do believe that she's still broken up about it too, but it's still tough only seeing it from the outside and having no idea what she really thinks. (I haven't yet been able to bring myself to delete her from my buddy list.)

But at any rate, all I can do is try and make myself happy. It's so hard, but I'm trying my best.

But there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone, and I don't know if she's still IN love with me. I'm not sure if she even know

You are spot on here.. There is a difference and unless you have experienced both then you will have trouble making clear and realistic judgements.

I applaud you for actually realising this and I truly hope you are fully aware of this.


I think you're absolutely right. I think it's impossible for me to figure anything out because I don't think she really knows the answers herself. I guess that's the worst part, because I feel like she's on the fence and could go either way, and all I would need is one chance that I might never get and I could instantly bring her back.

One point here is that you are speculating too much what position she plays in this situation. Where I am coming from here is that you are placing too much (TOO MUCH) importance in what she is thinking and feeling...

Don't ignore what I (and others too) have said about focusing on yourself... THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT...........
Believe me mate, this is the best thing you can do for yourself...

I know you need reassurance.. I will be here to plug this in to you as long as it takes, I know it takes time, you will be questioning everything...

Hell, I still do sometimes, but I question less and I have more strength now... You will too, and it will take time...


I don't really like her roommates that she sees everyday -- I think they're very immature, and I think she's influenced by them a little and curious about what their "single" lives.

Mate.. I completely understand.. If you read my thread, you will see a part in it which is similar to your situation in respect of the fact that she had met an old friend who I felt influenced her into wanting her single life back...

The truth is, I had to open my eyes up to the fact that, YES she was 20, I was 26, I had been through the single life and know what it is all about but she never had that chance...

I believe now that all (male and female) should have that opportunity to get this out of our systems...

That is not to say that she will come back to you mate after she has done what she wants..

You must create a life without her now! A life for you, and you alone...

You sound like a good bloke.. You have the chance to rebuild a life with someone else and it WILL happen but if you continue to dwell on the past and question where it is you went wrong, you will be stuck in a black hole that is difficult to get free from...

Well done MR. G

Geoff -- I read through your entire thread on your own situation and it made me feel a lot better. I'm 100% confident that my girl will look back on this someday and sincerely regret it. I still do think we would be perfect together, but I think it doesn't really matter because we're just not at the same levels of emotional maturity in our lives, and by the time that happens, it won't matter anymore.

So when the day comes that she does regret it, hopefully I'll be at the point where I won't even care.

So when the day comes that she does regret it, hopefully I'll be at the point where I won't even care.

Exactly..

And, you most probably will be!

So when the day comes that she does regret it, hopefully I'll be at the point where I won't even care.
That is exactly why you work on yourself, and stop assuming what she is thinking or her motivations. That is your mind playing tricks on you! Moving on and healing, will allow you to see the world and you in a realistic way. You just have to be healthy first. Preoccupation with an ex or even holding out hope she will come back will slow down or stop any progress you make.

Hey guys,


Last week my girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me. I was completely blindsided by it. We're in a long-distance relationship, but would have been out of one soon. Her reasoning is complicated, but basically she says that she feels like for the past 3.5 years she's been always making her decisions based upon me and what would make me happiest, and she needs to learn how to be independent and make decisions for her.

Of course I don't agree with that because I don't think this is the way to make things work. I wanted to continue to be with her to show her that I can help her with this but she says no. I asked her to give it one more shot and if she still feels this way at the end of the year, then I won't say a word. But still no. I drove 6 hours through the pouring rain to see her and try to change her mind, but nothing.

I know she's telling me the truth and I know there's no other guy. She would tell me if there was because as much as that would hurt, it would almost make things easier in a way.

I told her that she could walk the world and date a million guys and still not know if I was the one. I told her I wasn't sure if she was the one for me either (which is true), but that we had a rare opportunity. I'll admit that I haven't been the best boyfriend lately. I certainly haven't made her priority #1, and this isn't the first time I've done that -- not even close. But if we got back together now, and, knowing what I know now, I still drifted back into those old patterns, then we would know for certain that this wasn't going to work as is. But she said she couldn't do that, and believe me, I asked plenty of times.

What's so upsetting is that she claims she still loves me. She claims she wants this to all work out for us in the end, and that if we're meant to be, fate will decide it. But I don't believe in fate. I believe you can change things. And though she's clearly not ready for any relationship right now, I am. I want to need someone and be needed in return. I thought she could be that person. I honestly thought that she was the person I would be with for the rest of my life. I saw her last night and got her honest opinion in person for the first time. She told me one thing that she hadn't before: She said she still loved me with all her heart, but she didn't know if she was still in love with me or not.

She'll be home in a month, and I will too. I'm not going to wait for her because I owe it to myself not to, but on the same token, I desperately want things to somehow work out when she comes home. I feel like if it doesn't happen then, it never will, because we'll only drift farther apart and we may never live in the same city again.

My question is, I know she still loves me, but how do I make her miss me? She said she still wants to call me and IM me and talk to me, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do that...it'll hurt too much. I don't want to be too familiar, because then her attitude may never change. But I also don't want to block her out, because I feel like that's almost like asking her to drift away. And I don't want to breed a false sense of jealousy or anything like that...I'm just not that type of guy. But I don't know what to do. I would do anything to get her back, and to show her just how much I could love her. Please help.

Wow man, just wow. It's pretty much the same story over here...

My girlfriend of SIX years broke up with me about 5 months ago. She too said that she needed to do things for herself, and make herself her priority for a change. She said that our relationship was too much work than it should be, and I agree- I too, treated her poorly. That girl did everything for me, from being there in emotional times of need, or giving me financial support when I needed it. She was my best friend, and she defined me. I feel like I'm missing part of myself without her.

Soon after the break-up happened, she left for summer courses about 2 hours away, and I too drove there and begged her to do it again, saying that knowing what I know now, I wouldn't make the same mistakes. She cried and told me that this is something she MUST do for herself, and also the fact that she couldn't see herself marrying the first guy she dated seriously. I have my doubts too, but I wanted to ride it out longer. I don't know, I just love everything about this girl... there are things that annoy me, but now, after all of this, those little things don't matter.

She blocked me on Facebook, on AIM, and basically has been doing no contact to the T. I'm not sure if she simply hates me and is really cold hearted, or maybe she's just so hurt she can't stand to talk to me or she'll fall apart. I'm sure she's been seeing other guys since that's one of the things she told me she wanted to do, so I went out and hooked up with a girl right away, kind of a pre-emptive strike I guess. Whatever... that blew up and ended quick.

How do you make a girl like this miss you? No contact. Don't let her know what you are up to. If she has ways of checking up on you, cut her off. For example, I blocked all of her friends on Facebook so they couldn't check up on me for her. Stop going to places hoping you'll "accidentally" run into each other. Don't call on birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Make her think you've dropped of the face of the planet and leave her with her thoughts.

You can't make someone miss you, but you can set the environment just right that perhaps it will naturally occur. But you shouldn't do all of this with the goal of making her miss you- do it because you need to move on. Setting the scenes for her missing you is just a byproduct of your own self-healing.

I'm sure she's been seeing other guys since that's one of the things she told me she wanted to do, so I went out and hooked up with a girl right away, kinda a pre-emptive strike I guess. Whatever...that blew up and ended quick.

tadano, this is a classic example of a rebound relationship quoted above. You should not jump into a new relationship because you suspect your ex may be seeing other men or under the false illusion that it will help you to heal.

You need to take time out on your own to heal properly before taking the next step in entering a new relationship. I'm not saying this is what YOU are thinking about doing but it is something that you should have your eyes open to as I believe rebound relationships are quite common and usually don't last.

You may find that you will not want a new relationship for some time and only you will know when the time is right or when you are ready and of course if you meet the right woman for you.


You can't make someone miss you, but you can set the environment just right that perhaps it will naturally occur. But you shouldn't do all of this with the goal of making her miss you- do it because you need to move on. Setting the scenes for her missing you is just a byproduct of your own self-healing.

I liked this paragraph from the previous response as it emphasises the fact that setting this environment patbateman talks about is purely for the purpose of self-healing. It is important not to make improvements to yourself only for the motive of getting your ex back. The reason for this is that you will not be making these changes for the right reasons and if the ex never comes back, which unfortunately is a likely possibility, you will be no further forward in the healing process than you were when you began this journey!

Yeah, I hear you. All I know is this is going to take a long time. I have my good days, and then I go to sleep and have dreams about her, and wake up in a bad mood all over again. It's brutal, but I'm trying, I really am.

Yeah, I hear ya. All I know is this is gonna take a long time. I have my good days, and then I go to sleep and have dreams about her, and wake up in a bad mood all over again. It's brutal, but I'm trying, I really am.
Join the club, your in good company!

Brutal is probably a good choice of word for it.

It is, and although this won't offer you much solace right now I can assure you that it gets better provided you give it a chance to get better.

And the best chance you can give yourself tog et better is by following the wonderful advice you have received so far.

Just to re-cap / summarise this advice;

No contact - under no circumstances, no trying to run into her out, no calls for silly reasons. Don't think of reasons to contact her.

Grieve and reflect - realise that it is hard and there will be many ups and downs. You have to know this and be ready. But it isn't an excuse to go running back to her. You also must reflect and work out what you could have don't better and why things failed. In all aspects of life if something fails and there is no reflection on why the whole activity would be a waste of time.

Work on you - Improve yourself. Once you know what you could have done better through reflection you can set about ensuring that you don't make those mistakes again in the future. So be critical but fair on yourself and make sure you learn your lessons.

Make it about YOU - Now is a time for you to be a little selfish. Look after yourself physically and mentally. Eat right, work out, join a gym, run, further education. All this will not only make you feel better but help you take your mind off her. Do things that you want to do.

No rebound - don't go looking to get into a new relationship for a while yet. It won't work and it will only make your hurt worse eventually.

I know you probably already know all this but I thought id type it again just in case you needed reminding after all the analysis that you have been doing. These fairly simply things above often seem quite difficult when you are struggling but if you make sure you try your best to follow them I can assure you that things will get better. But it will still take time!

So give yourself that time.

Brutal is probably a good choice of word for it.

It is, and although this wont offer you much solace right now i can assure you that it gets better provided you give it a chance to get better.

And the best chance you can give yourself tog et better is by following the wonderful advice you have received so far.

Just to re-cap / summarise this advice;

No contact - under no circumstances, no trying to run into her out, no calls for silly reasons. Dont think of reasons to contact her.

Grieve and reflect - realise that it is hard and there will be many ups and downs. You have to know this and be ready. But it isnt an excuse to go running back to her. You also must reflect and work out what you could have dont better and why things failed. In all aspects of life if something fails and there is no reflection on why the whole activity would be a waste of time.

Work on you - Improve yourself. Once you know what you could have done better through reflection you can set about ensuring that you dont make those mistakes again in the future. So be critical but fair on yourself and make sure you learn your lessons.

Make it about YOU - Now is a time for you to be a little selfish. Look after yourself physically and mentally. Eat right, work out, join a gym, run, further education. All this will not only make you feel better but help you take your mind off her. Do things that you want to do.

No rebound - dont go looking to get into a new relationship for a while yet. it wont work and it will only make your hurt worse eventually.

I know you probably already know all this but i thought id type it again just in case you needed reminding after all the analysis that you have been doing. These fairly simply things above often seem quite difficult when you are struggling but if you make sure you try your best to follow them i can assure you that things will get better. But it will still take time!

So give yourself that time.

Skell, that was a great post! I think we need to make an official/sticky post with the "rules of disengagement", or basically how to get over your ex!!

I agree with the last post. It's important to be reminded of the tools we need to use to best cope with and get over the loss of a love. It's amazing how many ups and downs one can go through after a breakup. One minute I feel as if I'm almost over my ex and feel momentarily free. The next I'm crying as if it all happened just yesterday and the emotional weight of the world is back... which really sucks. Thanks for the reminders and the encouragement Skell.

Hi, I see that advice you are getting are great, but there is inetmidiary step you may take to get her back, and if it does not work, you should apply answers you already have or even ask for help from an psychelogist.
Steps are like this:
1 Do not call for couple of months.
2 Than call ONLY ONES ask to meet her.
3 On your get together be funy and flirt AND DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS. It have to be funy and you have to flirt and you oth have to enjoy.
4 Ask for another date.

So if she do not except you ONLY ONECE CALL, listen to advice already posted here.

If she does go out again ALWAYS BE fun and pleasant but not WUSS. Do not try to takl about problems you two had, so it will desaper.

She is trying to manipulate you, becaose relationship was long and you did not propose to her.

Best regards mickey9

I ditto this advice..

If you keep talking to her, you are losing mate!!

Not trying to make it sound like a game, because it is very much NOT a game. What I mean here is by communicating with her, you are (like you say) creating false hope for yourself and you will be losing in the path to recovery.

PLEASE, for your own sake, no more calls or any contact!!

If you think you are about to do it, think twice, come on here and talk, but don't make any impulsive decisions.


What if she initiates contact?

What if she initiates contact?

This is an old post, but the solution stays the same. Don't answer, and she gets the hint after a while. The idea is to be brief, when you have to be, and generally unavailable. That's why blocking her number on your phone, and sending her texts to spam, are suggested ideas.

Hey guys,


Last week my girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me. I was completely blindsided by it. We're in a long-distance relationship, but would have been out of one soon. Her reasoning is complicated, but basically she says that she feels like for the past 3.5 years she's been always making her decisions based upon me and what would make me happiest, and she needs to learn how to be independent and make decisions for her.

Of course I don't agree with that because I don't think this is the way to make things work. I wanted to continue to be with her to show her that I can help her with this but she says no. I asked her to give it one more shot and if she still feels this way at the end of the year, then I won't say a word. But still no. I drove 6 hours through the pouring rain to see her and try to change her mind, but nothing.

I know she's telling me the truth and I know there's no other guy. She would tell me if there was because as much as that would hurt, it would almost make things easier in a way.

I told her that she could walk the world and date a million guys and still not know if I was the one. I told her I wasn't sure if she was the one for me either (which is true), but that we had a rare opportunity. I'll admit that I haven't been the best boyfriend lately. I certainly haven't made her priority #1, and this isn't the first time I've done that -- not even close. But if we got back together now, and, knowing what I know now, I still drifted back into those old patterns, then we would know for certain that this wasn't going to work as is. But she said she couldn't do that, and believe me, I asked plenty of times.

What's so upsetting is that she claims she still loves me. She claims she wants this to all work out for us in the end, and that if we're meant to be, fate will decide it. But I don't believe in fate. I believe you can change things. And though she's clearly not ready for any relationship right now, I am. I want to need someone and be needed in return. I thought she could be that person. I honestly thought that she was the person I would be with for the rest of my life. I saw her last night and got her honest opinion in person for the first time. She told me one thing that she hadn't before: She said she still loved me with all her heart, but she didn't know if she was still in love with me or not.

She'll be home in a month, and I will too. I'm not going to wait for her because I owe it to myself not to, but on the same token, I desperately want things to somehow work out when she comes home. I feel like if it doesn't happen then, it never will, because we'll only drift farther apart and we may never live in the same city again.

My question is, I know she still loves me, but how do I make her miss me? She said she still wants to call me and IM me and talk to me, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do that...it'll hurt too much. I don't want to be too familiar, because then her attitude may never change. But I also don't want to block her out, because I feel like that's almost like asking her to drift away. And I don't want to breed a false sense of jealousy or anything like that...I'm just not that type of guy. But I don't know what to do. I would do anything to get her back, and to show her just how much I could love her. Please help.
Im in a situation almost identical to yours. I was with a girl for 3.5 years and we were completely in love. She said we needed a break but I wouldn't leave her alone and eventually it turned permanent. I felt like I learned so much from her leaving me and I saw that I didn't have my priorities right and I just wanted a chance to do things right and treat her the way I shouldve all along. I know its hard but you HAVE to leave her alone and move on, there's nothing you can say or do to make someone want you, its hard to except but its true. If she's going to miss you or comebak and has to completely on her own, but you can't wait for that. I know its hard, Im going through it right now. Sometimes you just have to except that its over and move on.

Does any one but me, think its amazing that posters always say "we" were so in love, and then here comes a break up? The bad thing we do is assume how our partner sees, and feels, about things, and not know how they really feel. I think that's wishful thinking, as we hope they feel as strongly about us, as we feel about them.

Does any one but me, think its amazing that posters always say "we" were so in love, and then here comes a break up? The bad thing we do is assume how our partner sees, and feels, about things, and not know how they really feel. I think that's wishful thinking, as we hope they feel as strongly about us, as we feel about them.

You are right... but when we were together it felt like we were in love, obviously I was wrong.

Skell, that was a great post! I think we need to make an official/sticky post with the "rules of disengagement", or basically how to get over your ex!!!!!

Yes! Pat is 100% right.. read that post... Its incredible. If it doesn't open your eyes then nothing will.

Hey guys,


Last week my girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me. I was completely blindsided by it. We're in a long-distance relationship, but would have been out of one soon. Her reasoning is complicated, but basically she says that she feels like for the past 3.5 years she's been always making her decisions based upon me and what would make me happiest, and she needs to learn how to be independent and make decisions for her.

Of course I don't agree with that because I don't think this is the way to make things work. I wanted to continue to be with her to show her that I can help her with this but she says no. I asked her to give it one more shot and if she still feels this way at the end of the year, then I won't say a word. But still no. I drove 6 hours through the pouring rain to see her and try to change her mind, but nothing.

I know she's telling me the truth and I know there's no other guy. She would tell me if there was because as much as that would hurt, it would almost make things easier in a way.

I told her that she could walk the world and date a million guys and still not know if I was the one. I told her I wasn't sure if she was the one for me either (which is true), but that we had a rare opportunity. I'll admit that I haven't been the best boyfriend lately. I certainly haven't made her priority #1, and this isn't the first time I've done that -- not even close. But if we got back together now, and, knowing what I know now, I still drifted back into those old patterns, then we would know for certain that this wasn't going to work as is. But she said she couldn't do that, and believe me, I asked plenty of times.

What's so upsetting is that she claims she still loves me. She claims she wants this to all work out for us in the end, and that if we're meant to be, fate will decide it. But I don't believe in fate. I believe you can change things. And though she's clearly not ready for any relationship right now, I am. I want to need someone and be needed in return. I thought she could be that person. I honestly thought that she was the person I would be with for the rest of my life. I saw her last night and got her honest opinion in person for the first time. She told me one thing that she hadn't before: She said she still loved me with all her heart, but she didn't know if she was still in love with me or not.

She'll be home in a month, and I will too. I'm not going to wait for her because I owe it to myself not to, but on the same token, I desperately want things to somehow work out when she comes home. I feel like if it doesn't happen then, it never will, because we'll only drift farther apart and we may never live in the same city again.

My question is, I know she still loves me, but how do I make her miss me? She said she still wants to call me and IM me and talk to me, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do that...it'll hurt too much. I don't want to be too familiar, because then her attitude may never change. But I also don't want to block her out, because I feel like that's almost like asking her to drift away. And I don't want to breed a false sense of jealousy or anything like that...I'm just not that type of guy. But I don't know what to do. I would do anything to get her back, and to show her just how much I could love her. Please help.
It's a tricky situation in relationships when your asking yourself questions such as this one. Smothering a girl is what I'm told and have seen the biggest dislike to "the majority" of girls. I'm 26 and I have been in a few relationships stunners I might add one won miss scotland. Woman with looks = misery. Hard facts but true. Unless you have a massive nob (which I do) AND a huge wallet (which I don't) go for a less attractive variety also steer clear of career orientated chicks they'll only make you unambitious and miserable plus they are ten times more likely to cheat while away on "business" knocks in life are meant to make us stronger I disbelieve this they give us scares and its how we deal with these scars and how we view ourselves as a person in a relationship. Hard facts are if you feel your not being missed then your probably correct your not. Having said that don't do what most do... lie in it and become pathetic. You must be the man, you must be he who does not settle as a needy little child like we can all act when the love is in the air (although most will not admit) my advise mate is to concentrate on you and yourself - do things that make you happy and put her on the back burner (easier said than done) but that's the move that will make her appreciate you and desire more affection.

hope this helps

<<It's their fault because every last one of them deep down are mean and controlling and if we let them get to us then we have screwed up. They will mess you up real bad if you let them>>

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!! i certainly am not!!!!!


Okay role, read my post and tell me if its just women, men can be so cruel too! They'll cling to you when they have no one and soon as they meet someone else they think is better,they leave you I the dust! Cold and heartless! Oops I sound negative now!

OK so how do I get my ex to miss me, when I am currently going through nc and we don't see each other around anymore. Surely by me initiating conact breaks nc, takes me steps back and just makes me look like I'm pushing for something again. She saw me on Friday and I was very aloof, didn't even speak to her, in fat I wa sto busy chating other girls and friends, but how do I get her to miss me. There's a film out atm which I know she'd love, its an independent film which not many people would havbe heard of, but I'm sure she wudve seen it advertised and though about seeing it... maybe even with me. Should I tetx he rin the week and say saw a film you might like. Or not?

I thought I would bring this post back up again as I am in the same boat. I am trying to stay completely out of contact with her but it has only been 2 days and she has sent me a message asking if I am OK. I do not want to ignore her as that makes me seem a jerk. What should I do?

If you don't want to come across as a jerk then let her know that your planning on going down the no contact route, I think this is the best way forward. You'll both have the time and space needed to really think about things properly. If I can give you any advice - DO NOT HOUND HER.

Good luck

I've had to block her from my Facebook because I keep talking to her and we keept getting along. She understands this. I really love her and really miss her and know this is best for us both.