My boyfriend is 10 yrs older than me *he's 33) and we've lived together for over a year... lately, we've been going through money problems and he's dealing with some legal issues, which has put a huge strain on our relationship. Some days, he's my best friend, but others, he treats me like he hates me. I recently started working again (I haven't had a job since before I moved in-he was able to support us both) which is a big change, but he is still in this s****y mood all the time. Our usual daily routine: I wake up at 5, fix breakfast, get dressed, wake him up-usually with breakfast in bed-leave for work an hour before he has to leave, I get off work at 5, come home, fix dinner, he comes in from work by 7-usually has a friend with him and they hang out for awhile, I serve dinner, usually while cleaning house, the guys leave for their nightly poker game by 8, I clean up the mess, continue to pick up around our home, get in the shower, maybe online for a bit, he'll come in around 12 and we go to bed.

Now, I am not going to lie, sometimes I do complain, but it's only because sometimes I feel more like a hired maid than future-wife. Am I wrong to feel this way? I am usually the one to take out the garbage, feed the dog & cat, play with his 6 yr old 2 days a week, etc... He feels like because he brings home the bacon and makes sure bills are paid, the rest is my responsibility.

Sleeping is my favorite part of my day because it's the only time I feel special to him, he'll cuddle up with me and I feel blissful in his arms.

Now, to the kicker, I am a very attractive woman in most peoples eyes. I used to be in pageants, former Varsity Cheerleader and soccer player. 5'2, 120 lbs, 32C, mid-length brown curly hair, green eyes, southern accent. I have 2 yrs college. I'm not perfect by any means, but Im a catch? Well, for (prob) the past 6 months, he has been completely uninterested in sex. I used to aggravate him to the point that he said I made it feel LIKE A CHORE. He said that maybe if I didn't act like I did, he'd be more interested. In tears one night, I asked him what was wrong with me, he replied, "Honey, it's not you." One of him friends gave him a RX of Viagra 100mg, which was AWESOME at first, but he said he hated to plan sex. Plus, they give him bad headaches... well, this is giving me a headache... I can not go on like this for much longer. If it was a physical problem he had, where it wasn't possible to make love, I could deal with it, but this? This makes me blame myself and question and doubt.. . I love him so much, but I can't help feeling like I am neglected. I know sex should be seen as little more than sex, but I can't help connecting it with things like our emotional connection: self esteem, closeness as a couple, even the measure of his love for me, because I feel like if he knws this is a big deal to me, and continues to reject my advances, there's no way he could love me the same way I love him? For the past 2 months, I've barely initiated at all, and I swear, its as if nothing has changed-he isn't phased one bit! Meanwhile, I'm about to burst! Please, give me some advice on how to (subtely) get his attention? Or is this even worth the effort?

Lonely in KY

You're being treated like a housekeeper and a live-in maidservice.
Where is the communication and the respect for you?

Is this what you want, longterm?

I wouldn't.

I think the least of your problems is a lack of sex.

He plays poker every night, usually brings home a friend, does nothing to help out, feels superior because he brings in most of the bacon, expects no demands from you, treats you in an employee rather than an equal. You cook (breakfast in bed!), clean, work, cater to his friends, his timetable, engage his daughter two days a week, and essentially DO run a maid service.

You have defined your relationship very well.

You can't possibly do any more, so you may as well make some demands or expectations of your own, and make them quite clearly to this macho man of yours.

Define what is disrespectful. Define what is unbalanced as far as running a household. Define what your needs are emotionally and physically. Define where the together time is going to be. Define why you feel like a second class citizen. Define your idea of communication, and balance (50-50) is in the relationship. Define (by a graph if you have to), what the duties are that you do, and alongside that, what he does. Define where you see the relationship going- realistically- and ask him where he sees it going.

I'd say if he is not willing to participate in a really good reality check, you will have to decide whether to live this life of servitude, or move on and find a more balanced relationship with someone else.

we've lived together for over a year

The honeymoon is well over and the work needs to begin. I agree with Jake 200% in that YOU must actively take part in defining this relationship through words, and actions, he can understand, and work together to solve all your issues, and stop assuming he knows how you feel.

That's what communications are about, honest expression of feelings so your partner can understand and make the adjustments it takes to make things work, despite what life throws at you.

Without that from you both, you're room mates not partners. Lack of a healthy sex life is only a symptom of a greater issue to be dealt with, reconnecting to each others mind, heart, and soul!!!

This relationship is more of a maid-homeowner type relationship than a happily male-female one. You are allowing him to dictate everything, why are you allowing this behavior? Look at how you spend your day, tell me if that sounds healthy to you.

Define what is disrespectful. Define what is unbalanced as far as running a household. Define what your needs are emotionally and physically. Define where the together time is going to be. Define why you feel like a second class citizen. Define your idea of communication, and balance (50-50) is in the relationship. Define (by a graph if you have to), what the duties are that you do, and alongside that, what he does. Define where you see the relationship going- realistically- and ask him where he sees it going.


Thank you so much for your straight forward response... this problem weighs on my heart every day... I guess I feel a bit naïve and unexperienced in the ways of a "mature" relationship... This is the second boyfriend I have lived with... but the other was (believe it or not) even worse as far as maturity and respect goes. I love my boyfriend, and I'm thankful for all the things in my life for which he is responsible... but I know deep down there is more to life than this... I'd love to be in a relationship with someone who would help me fold clothes from the dryer, or load the dishwasher instead of complaining when they're not done.

I just don't know how to get this point across to my boyfriend. I am in contact with my parents, but I have always been a wild child of sorts, and they have 3 children still living at home... I don't want to be a burden to them. Plus, it seems as though most of my girlfriends, the ones who haven't stabbed me in the back in one way or another, are married with families of their own... I just want to be one of them so badly...

How should I go about talking about this subject? Please, help me to devise a game plan for this conversation. I know how important this is, but I just don't know how to bring up the topic without causing him to become defensive, like he's being put into a corner, or get mad and tell me how dumb I sound... I feel like any way I bring up the subject is going to seem as if I'm attacking him... he says all I ever do is complain.

:confused::confused::confused::confused::confused:

I realize that confronting this issue is extremely hard. It is one thing to get all the information out there, and then quite another to process the information and the changes after that. It is particularly difficult for you, because it is defining your own observations, and needs, which will likely be the opposite of his.

Is it possible for you to attend counselling with the goal in mind that you wish to discuss how to go about making changes in your marriage, with mediation, and from the perspective of a person with no vested interest.

You could try to negotiate a quiet time, out of the house, in a peaceful place to begin to talk, but I suspect with things being so unbalanced, that he may not be particularly motivated, except to pay lip service without any real meaning.

It might also be possible to visit your local pastor or minister if you have one, which would offer a very non judgmental environment, and he might be more comfortable.

I think for now, consider, as part of the game plan, just getting him used to the idea that there are some serious issues that need to be discussed. Not now, not tonight, not while he's heading out the door. But, in a meaningful way, either together, or in one of the other ways.

Perhaps the most important step of all, is being prepared yourself to tackle this. Make sure you are ready to face things you probably don't realize, or know. You will get to a point where it isn't going to be easy, in both listening, and being heard in return.

we've lived together for over a year...

It takes Years and decades of hard work to train a guy to be what you want. There is no substitute for willing to work at it.

What do you expect after a year?

Good for you for voicing your dissatisfaction for being treated like a servant. Make that a housekeeper, babysitter, cook, hostess, wake-up service, and occasional sex toy.

Sit down and fast forward ten years down the road. Can you see yourself being in a happy relationship with THIS guy? If not, then get out now.

This guy obviously has very little respect for you, your feelings, and your needs.

Never, ever, let yourself be treated with such disregard. There are plenty of good guys out there that know how to treat a woman. Go find yourself one.

Go be happy.

Good luck.

This situation really does interest me. Your boyfriend is much older than you and you ARE a catch. You should not stay in a relationship that depresses you or makes you feel lesser than you SHOULD be feeling. He should be thankful to have you. You bring many things into his life that he would not otherwise have. I would recommend either telling him your feelings/demands or just leaving him for a more balanced, happier relationship. Also... you're young. Why are you in a hurry to get married. Do not compare yourself to your friends because that is their fate, but rather live and own your own life. Another thing.. he is NOT the only person bringing in the bacon and you are doing 200% more work than he is. Even after a year my boyfriend and I still go on dates and the sex is definitely still there. There are problems but I feel comfortable telling him about them and we are compatible when it comes to housework and other personal issues. You are being taken for granted and your days seriously depress me. You are way too young to be spending your days, especially when you are unmarried woman. Did you know that there are more men than women in the world. Find a guy that fits you idea of happy, instead of settling for this person that takes you for granted, ignores you, and brings you down. I would recommend that if you decide to leave him, spend some time getting to know yourself and love yourself. Travel, do something cool,finish your education, build yourself up and take pride in the beautiful, smart woman that your are. You're soooo young. Don't get tied down...

Some interesting information, in marriage or living together women get the shorter end of the deal and their health (mentally and physically) either stay the same or get worse when compared to men who's health gets better. Single women are happier than married women in a study that was done in psychology. Look it up if you're interested, I imagine Google will lead the way.

He should be happy that you even want to sleep with him. Sex with someone you love shouldn't ever be a chore, but a beautiful moment of bonding.