I have a 20 year old son that has twice been in trouble with the law. He is now a convicted felon. He has in the past done weed and sold it too. He did not graduate with his class, that was a bitter dissapointment to me, instead graduated summer class. My husband was and still is a very soft father. Always saying leave him alone he'll get there eventually. Me on the other hand have taken up the slack and find myself being the disciplinarian. He has always worked well, but the week before christmas he walked out of his full time job in a restaurant, after a row with the manager. I find myself very resentful towards him and just don't know how to get over what he did in the past. It has ruined our relationship, and my husband and I don't see eye to eye over him so we are also at odds and ready to separate. Any advise from anyone would be appreciated

Hi, Carol Prestidge!

Is your son still living at home? Also, has he ever been evaluated by a doctor as to his mental condition?

Thanks!

Not sure if I'm doing this twice but here goes, he does still live at home, and no he has never been evaluated by a doctor. Thanks

He needs to be kicked to the road, and you and husband needs to work on their your own relationship,

Kids come and go from home, it is the couples relationship that should be the most important

Everybody makes mistakes, and your son is no exception. It doesn't mean that he is a failure in life, or that he can't choose and work hard for the life he wants.

He did graduate high school, that's a plus. He obviously doesn't have any problems getting a job. Many people quit jobs, many times for good reason, and likely he'll get another one soon.

I find myself very resentful towards him and just don't know how to get over what he did in the past

I'm not sure why you would be resentful of his past. Are you feeling that he will never make anything of himself, because of that?

Maybe it is because he is an adult now, that the relationship has changed. By age 20, your mothering years should be dwindling as he moves on from home, and is independent.

It might be time for the three of you to sit down, and have a heart to heart with him. Ask him what his plans are. Has he thought of going to college, or getting a trade? Does he think about working and getting his own place?

Consider too that it may be time to up the expectations while he is still living at home. He should be, if he isn't already, doing his own laundry, picking up after himself, cutting the grass etc. He has to contribute in some meaningful way. When he is working again, tell him you will expect him to pay room and board.

Little steps toward independence will be a positive move for all of you. At some point he needs to be on his own so he can become his own man. When that time comes, when you know he is ready to, you aren't doing him any favours by holding him back.

Thanks for your input. I guess it's dissapointment as much as resentment. He did a lot of stuff that led to him now being a felon. He has made his future very difficult to say the least. We have sat and talked until the cows come home! He always says he's going to do this that and the other, but then doesn't follow through. I or my husband have no family members that have been to jail and so there is shame attached to that, you can't help it. Again thanks for your input

I think that you should try and see this from a slightly different angle. He didn't graduate with his class, that is a disappointment for him. Granted it would be for you too, but it is his life and something he will have in his memory forever.

He is a convicted felon, he will have to live with the repercussions of this for the rest of his life, may be turned down from jobs, have others look on him differently.

Do you see what I'm trying to get at here? He is an adult, and now he needs to live like one. He needs to get on his own two feet. Find a job, any job and get out of your house. Let him pay his own way, when the landlord's knocking on the door you think twice about walking out of a job! Let him make decisions for himself and live with whatever comes of them. Try to support him emotionally but its time to cut the apron strings and let your boy go.

When you have done this you and your husband can find out truly if he is/was the cause of the arguments between you two or if this goes deeper and try to deal from there.

Best of Luck.

I just wanted better for him that's all. Trust me I want to send him off and make him take responsibility for himself, but hubby says he can't make it on his own yet. So I watch him day after day just hanging with his friends and it's frustrating. Thanks for your advice. You're right he's the one that's going to have to live with his choices the rest of his life. Right now it doesn't bother him because he's not mature to realize what he's done to himself.

He is old enough, he will be mature enough. That only comes with responsibility, not time.

Sit down with your son, tell him that he needs to start looking for a job and once he has found one he needs to start getting his act together. Living in your house or not, it should not be acceptable for him to waste his time.

Does he contribute to the household? Financially or otherwise? Because both, in my book, are vital once that day of adulthood dawned.

If you really feel it will cause too much hassle to put your foot down about him moving out. Well then you have to create a situation that simulates living alone to the best of your ability. He needs to clean up after himself, pay rent, make dinner (I would suggest a rotation system as is common in shared accommodation) and everything else that goes with being an adult.

Get him out there one way or another, make him see what being an adult is all about. He will be all the better for it and not only your husband, but he will thank you for it.

I talk to him all the time about getting a job. That's the problem!! He's sick and tired of hearing my voice, in fact yesterday after a row about looking for work, he told me he can't stand the sound of my f!@#$ing voice!! Again hubby says he'll get there just leave him be. No he doesn't contribute anything toward the house just makes a mess and leaves it. No money so of course no rent. We pay his car insurance so he can go and do his community service at least twice a week and we pay his cell phone. Thanks for taking the time for me, appreciate it

Well put your foot down. You need to do this for your own self worth! Never mind his!

First cut that cell phone, that is a privilege reserved for people who can afford it, and he can't.

Stop telling him he needs to get a job, since that doesn't seem to be working and instead show him how and why he needs to get a job...

... because life is sh!t when you have no funds!

If he makes a mess leave it until he returns and tell him he needs to get it. Even though it will be hard at first to do this, you need to make his life uncomfortable, he seems to have had it fairly cushy all along, make him see that!

Thank you

Hope it helps. :)

It seems to me that until your husband backs you up, you aren't even going to be able to negotiate him picking up a pair of dirty socks off the floor.

I would get into counselling with your husband. I don't think you can afford not to. With this incredible strain on your marriage, and the stress tearing you apart, you need to hear how to work through this impasse, together, in order to help your son.

While I agree that he needs to shape up, so too does your husband. When you are flying solo here, and your son knows it, he can expect no lasting changes, so why bother trying.

Thank you for your thoughts. I totally agree with you, it takes both parents working together to bring change.