I’ve been dating a really nice guy for the last two months and am pretty sure I’m pregnant, but have no idea how to tell him.

Here’s a little bit of history. Five years ago, his wife left him and moved in with another guy. They were separated and we started hanging out together. It wasn’t a physical relationship, because technically he was still married, but we did kiss one night. Anyway, she ended up wanting him back, and he said he would give their marriage a chance. Right after she moved back in he found out she was pregnant. DNA tests later confirmed that it was his baby. They also had another child. The kids are now 2 and 4, and he and his ex’s divorced in September.

We started seeing each other again in November. We live in different cities, but see each other pretty much every other week. He has his kids about 90% of the time. They agreed not to introduce their children to people they’re dating until they’ve been with that person for 6 months. I think that’s a smart idea. I know he’s exhausted and a little overwhelmed having to do it on his own, so I try to give him space and make our time together light and fun. I really like him a lot and never wanted to add any drama to his life. The last thing he needs right now is another kid. At the same time, I’m 38 years old, have never had children, and wonder if this might be my only chance to have one.

I found out I was pregnant Thursday night and lost my job Friday morning. I have no idea how I can even afford to have a baby at this point and although I have a very supportive family, don’t want to burden them.

We’re supposed to go on a Mardi Gras trip in two weeks and his mom, sister, and a lot of his other relatives are joining us. I’ve met his sister once, don’t know his mom, and his cousin’s wife who is also coming has never liked me. I’m afraid if they find out before we go, they’ll all think I’m trying to “trap” him. I’m tempted to wait until after the trip, but am afraid if I’m not drinking people will figure it out and he’ll be mad that I didn’t tell him sooner.

I’m afraid telling him will ruin the relationship, but don’t know if it’s ever okay to keep a pregnancy from the father. I’m considering having an abortion, but think I’d have a really hard time afterwards. I had one when I was 18 and have always wondered “what if.”

Thank you for taking the tine to read this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

The most horrible thing you can do is to keep the pregnancy from the father. Even if you are considering abortion the father should have a say in it. So you got to tell him. Having a baby could be the best thing in one's life so I strongly advised against abortion.

Tell the father. Then you should discuss it!

Agreed. I think that it would be the best to tell him, but also tell him about how it is making you feel.

Sex=Babies

I know I need to tell him, it's just I don't know when or how. I was on birth control and never thought this would happen. The timing couldn't be worse.

I think you should bite the bullet and tell him asap as in,guessing you are in the US, tomorrow.

Also start looking for a new job and seek the support of your family.

I can't advice you whether to seek a termination,as you must decide that for yourself, I can only add that bringing up my child is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done in my life.
All my sympathy -its a tough situation.

Thanks for your advice. I told him on Wednesday night. He said he can't imagine having another child right now, would really prefer that I got an abortion but would be a supportive father if I had it, even though it would probably mean having to sell his house. He said if I got an abortion he'd insist on going with(we'd have to travel out of state) and that he would go to counseling afterwards if I needed to. I don't know if I can handle the guilt/what if's of an abortion but still don't know how I can raise a baby on my own with no job/money.

Believe me, you wouldn't want an abortion. You would spend the rest of your life regretting it.

I don't think abortion is right. But that's just my opinion. I think its like taking away life. Even if they're still in the womb.

No matter what your choice, you need to discuss it with the babies father first.

Were you on the pill, using other birth control, if the answer is no, then it should not be that big a surprise to him

I was on the pill. For years I'd taken the birth control shot. I wish I'd stayed on it and never switched.

Nothing is 100% when it comes to preventing babies from being made, except abstinence

For sure see your doctor to confirm the pregnancy, and work this out together. There is no reason to sell his house, and raising a child is what we humans do, so don't get carried away by fear.

Tell your parents, it's their grandchild after all, and they will be willing to help, and even though they may be shocked, and not happy by the circumstances, at first. I think they will be a big help, and support. That's what you will need.

Of course he wants an abortion, that's a quick easy solution. But think long, and hard about it, and don't make a decision based on just fear, or feelings, as this is a life changing event.

This is where your parents, especially MOM can give you guidance, and counsel

Thank you Talaniman for your words of advice. I really do appreciate it. I think he thinks he'd have to sell his house because he already has two children and couldn't afford the child support and that particular house. You're right about abortion being a quick easy solution. I think he's just overwhelmed caring for his kids, while still healing from his divorce. I wonder though, where he'll be mentally and emotionally in September. That's when I'm due. (It took me about 4 years to get over my divorce.) My pregnancy has been confirmed, but my doctor hasn't been able to confirm viability. I have a second blood test today to see if my HCG numbers have gone up.

Life and reality are always testing us, and we have to deal with it. No one can predict the future, but all we can do is make our decisions and be ready to deal with whatever life throws at us. Tomorrow, and in September.

Focus on what can be done now, and let September come at its own pace.

In everyone's life you come up against hardtimes and good times.

If you want to have the baby,you can,your 38,you're a mature women and have a few experiences under your belt,it's a long life with more 'what ifs'.

He sounds like a good guy,he's doing the best he can,and the likely hood of another child is probably daunting,he's a parent and knows what he would need to do...

At the end of the day,you both have to live with the decision.

So worried, don't have an abortion, if he is willing to support you. Even if he isn't, at 38 there is always a way you can support that child. Talk to your family, I am sure they will be supportive of you.

I think I'm just a little freaked out because I just lost my job. I was making decent money and had good insurance. I don't want to keep my pregnancy from a new employer, but doubt anyone is going to want to hire me knowing that I'd need to take time off in the fall and possibly sooner if I have any complications.

Why don't you sit down and write everything out.

All the pro and cons.

At least if you can see it written down you can make a plan.

I find once I have a plan I can make decisions.

Be honest in your list and take everything into consideration.

If I was in his shoes I would break-up with you and did everything in my power to keep you and that baby away from my children. The last thing that man needs is another kid.

*remember this is just me and I am not here to bring you down , but only to prepare you for what it may come*

Maybe he is a carrying guy and he loves you.

Well, I guess I should be glad it was him and not you.

Well, I guess I should be glad it was him and not you.

It seems to me that you are ignoring this wake-up call. The fact that you posted on this forum means that you don't want to be "that women" , yet it seems to me that you are not taking this seriously , which begs the question... have you thought about how will your child be able to grow up without a father ?

I get the feeling that deep down you are really happy to finally be "expecting". If that's true, then why care what he thinks? He’s telling you that he’ll lose the house , but it’s a bunch of crap he’s feeding you to make you feel guilty and perhaps convince you to kill the baby so he doesn’t have any responsibility toward it.

If you want the baby (which I think you do), forget about his attitude and be happy. Jump for joy - things will work out. If you live in the U.S. there’s always some public assistance that you can get, then after the baby is born you should file for child support. Just remember, your baby is just as important as his other two kids, so don’t let him devalue it or cheat you out of support.

Thank you Devorameira for your kind words. I had my HCG levels tested this afternoon. They were at 418.7 (Down from 775 on Thursday) At this point (6wks) they should be between 3,700 & 84,900, so maybe it isn't going to happen.

Have you talked to him since you gave him the news?

He doesn't sound like the type of man to run away from his responsibilities, however, he probably is feeling some panic right now.

IF the fetus is viable, there is a third option: giving the baby up for adoption.

As for prospective employer, be honest. Is your job-type one that could be done from home? If so, that might help them be a bit more flexible.

Take care of yourself and hopefully everything will work out for the best.

Update us on your HCG levels. As I said, I know you want the baby, so I'll be hoping and praying that everything turns out okay.

If i was in his shoes I would break-up with you and did everything in my power to keep you and that baby away from my children. The last thing that man needs is another kid.

*remember this is just me and I am not here to bring you down , but only to prepare you for what it may come*

maybe he is a carrying guy and he loves you.

You know nothing about this man and what he does and doesn't need. This response is not help at all, it's just if YOU were in that position. This baby, that you would "keep away" from the father, is HIS responsibility. Do you think that she made this child on her own? No, he was involved, and should be involved in the decision, and caregiving of his child. You say you are "not here to bring her down", yet you do. In the most hateful way. And when she responded to your black-hearted post, you accuse her of not being serious. If this is all you have to offer, then keep it to yourself.

Soworried, you are 38 years old. If you want this child, and it very may be the opportunity of a lifetime like you mentioned, then by all means carry it to full term. This child that you are carrying would bring you so much joy and love. The decision that you make now, at this juncture in your life, may very well change you forever. If you decide to abort this child, you know that you will never be able to forgive yourself.

There is always a way to provide.

You are not 16. You are a grown woman. The world is full of children that have been raised in single parent households(if that's the way it turns out). So, tell your parents, get their support, and go find a job. If the father will not help you outside of giving you a ride to the clinic, and going to counseling, then do it on your own.

This baby is your child. Make your decision wisely.

May God bless you and your baby.

Firstly Good luck with whatever happens.

Secondly to the ethics of abortion I just do not know. Theologically, Philosophically and scientifically it is as Obama wisely said 'above my pay grade'.

However if you think it would lead you to feeling guilty then I would advise against it. Almost anything is easier to live with than guilt! 15 years from now it is conceivable to imagine regretting an abortion. But even if you regret the circumstances it is more difficult to imagine regretting a individual, who presumably you will love and will love you.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. My doctor informed me today that I had a miscarriage so now I'm just going to focus on finding a job. I'm hoping my relationship works out. He said he would have been mad if I hadn't told him, because I would have had to deal with it on my own. I guess only time will tell, but I know I'll be okay either way. Hopefully I'll still have a baby someday when I'm married and in a position to support it properly.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. My doctor informed me today that I had a miscarriage so now I'm just going to focus on finding a job. I'm hoping my relationship works out. He said he would have been mad if I hadn't told him, because I would have had to deal with it on my own. I guess only time will tell, but I know I'll be okay either way. Hopefully I'll still have a baby someday when I'm married and in a position to support it properly.

I am sorry to hear about the miscarriage. If you need to talk about it, we are here to listen.

I hope you find a new job quickly to get yourself back on track. Good luck in all areas of your life.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. My doctor informed me today that I had a miscarriage so now I'm just going to focus on finding a job. I'm hoping my relationship works out. He said he would have been mad if I hadn't told him, because I would have had to deal with it on my own. I guess only time will tell, but I know I'll be okay either way. Hopefully I'll still have a baby someday when I'm married and in a position to support it properly.

Sounds like you were happy you got a miscarriage, perhaps even praying for it. Congratulations you got what you wanted, now the world would never know if that child would make a difference in the world for the better.

Sounds like you were happy you got a miscarriage, perhaps even praying for it. Congratulations you got what you wanted, now the world would never know if that child would make a difference in the world for the better.

Or if he became a monster. Being grateful is not the same as being responsible, and if it was a response to a prayer then God would not have granted it unless it was better. Think before being snide

I am really sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I know that you really wanted the baby, so I know you're going through a traumatic time right now. I hope that your boyfriend is there for you and is supporting you emotionally. Good luck!

I'm sorry to hear that,you were caught between a rock and a hard place.

Your only 38,and I hope you recover from this trauma and everything works out for you.

Or if he became a monster. Being grateful is not the same as being responsible, and if it was a response to a prayer then God would not have granted it unless it was better. Think before being snide

Some people will do anything to have a kid but they can't so they have to adopt or by other means. On the other hand her post has tons of pages dealing with how to tell this guy about the kid and how she isn't ready etc, than all of a sudden a message comes up saying oh by the way I don't have to worry about it anymore because I had a miscarriage. Well excuse me if I'm a little pissed off.

If you want something bad enough, you will get it and it seems like that's what she got. Im not a really religious person and the mention of God was a figure of speech and a tone of sarcasm but I did not mean to disrespect him in any way. If you're not ready to have a kid, than why risk it by having sex. It was for selfish reasons because people like sex without even considering the possibility that you might get pregnant. Than all of a sudden the baby just dies. Something doesn't seem right there.

Dear none12345,

I NEVER SAID " oh by the way i dont have to worry about it anymore because i had a miscarriage."

If you read what I wrote it actually said
"My doctor informed me today that I had a miscarriage so now I'm just going to focus on finding a job...."

What else was I supposed to do? I haven't worked in 3 weeks. Laying around the house depressed isn't going to help or change the situation.

Good luck with finding a job and I hope you're feeling OK.
Let us know how you get on.

soworried, good luck with finding a job and the relationship. :)

Thanks for your kind words and support. I was just getting used to the idea of being a mom when I miscarried so there were a lot of different emotions to deal with. I have a follow up appointment with my doctor tomorrow and am hoping everything is okay with my health. I'm still looking for a job. It's tough because much of what I'm finding locally pays about half of what I was making. I'm thinking about possibly going back to school for another degree. It wouldn't take me very long and now would be a good time to do it. Meanwhile, I'm still waiting for approval on unemployment and am running out of cash fast. As far as the guys goes, I could use a little advice.
Last week we went on vacation and I was surprised that he initiated sex (using extra protection) after the scare of the unplanned pregnancy. He said he was fine, but once we got home he asked if we could put the sexual part of the relationship on hold (but still kiss, cuddle, hold hands.) He said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship (he's recently divorced with 2 kids) and wanted to really get to know me as a person. I asked if it was 1.) because he really liked me, or 2.) because he was finding he wasn't liking me as much as he first thought he did. He said it was because he really liked me but also wants me to be his friend. When I said we were friends he said "No, were getting to know each other but it's also important to me that we can build a friendship. He won't sleep in the same bed anymore because he says he "doesn't trust himself” but continues to take me out on dates and suggests just spending time talking. He's also not dating anyone but me. I asked my female counselor what she thought of the situation last week and she said “I've never heard of a man that doesn't want to have sex” and that she thought it was strange. Do you think he's being genuine or do you think he's just freaked out because of what happened? I also can't help but wonder if stopping sex is his way of slowly breaking things off. He has a lot going on right now. He's afraid his ex-wife is doing drugs (she has in the past) He doesn't think she's using around his children, but obviously worries. I know the kids are (and always should be) his number one priority, and think having all this going on could be the main reason he doesn't feel ready to take on a relationship. I'm willing to take things slow and realize only time will tell what's going on but could really use some insight.

I think it could be a mixture of both, the pregnancy scared him, wasn't sure if he he wanted to pursue your guys relationship, so he decided to back off a bit, and ease it up and see how things go. It could mean he is slowly letting the relationship go, or he is unsure where he is at. Or maybe he truly is genuine. But I would be leaning towards he is unsure how he feels about the relationship going forward.

I think you're right. It's only been 3 months and a lot has happened in a short amount of time. Thanks for your thoughts.