My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. I met him a year after I had been sexually abused by an ex-boyfriend during college. Even though I technically was not a virigin (as a result of my assault) when I met him, he told me he considered me to be one because I did not voluntarily lose my virginity (I had not had intercourse before or after the sexual abuse by my ex-boyfriend). He made me feel whole again, and I quickly fell in love with him. My issues with him began one time when we were on the phone. He spoke about having sex, and I told him that I would do it; partly because he made me so happy that I was afraid of disappointing him, partly because I was afraid of losing him and possibly ending up with someone like my ex-boyfriend who would abuse me again, and partly because I feel like he had done so much for me and it was the least I could do for him.

The first time we spent time alone together after that phone call, he tried to have sex with me, which was partially my fault for saying yes on the phone. But being the great guy that he is, he could tell I did not want to and he stopped. I could tell he was very disappointed, and I felt guilty, so I performed oral sex on him. From that time and for a year after, I would perform oral sex as a compromise for not having intercourse with him. A year after we started dating, we first had sex. I offered because I know he wanted to and I thought he was kind of detached from me, and so I idiotically thought that having sex with him would make things better. He told me thank you after we were done, and I told him that I loved him. He told me that what we had just did would not make him love me anymore; that he was not trying to be a jerk, but he was being honest, and if he had known that's why I offered to have sex he would have said no. Even though I knew he was right, I felt angry at him. I felt cheap, hurt, depressed, and confused all at once. It was one of the most humiliating and physically painful experiences in my life, aside from my sexual assault. We are still dating, and we have sex consistently because I feel like there is no point in saying no since I lost my viriginity. I don't tell him but, I don't enjoy it.

Whenever we have sex I feel cheap and embarrassed, not to mention that he likes rough sex so it is often physically painful for me. What makes things even worse is that he is perfect otherwise; we get along great as friends and business partners. But the sex end of things haunts me. Sometimes I get angry at him for how I feel and lash out, and he has no idea the cause of my anger; I usually make something up. My question is should I tell my boyfriend how I feel at the risk of upsetting and/or alienating him? He is such a big part of my life; I would be devastated if we broke up. Some days I feel like sex is not an important part of the relationship and I just need to learn to block out my angry feelings, and other days I feel like I will be very miserable in the future if I keep having to suppress them. What do you think?

I think you need to address the sexual assault with a trained professional. I also think that while a lot of the negative thoughts you are thinking about your current boyfriend are fueled by underlying psychological damage from the ex-boyfriend, your current man has perhaps abused you further (possibly not intending to). I have a hard time believing that he is not aware that you are not enjoying the sex, and if he is still partaking with that knowledge he really is using you.

Your first priority is to get yourself healed. Forget you have a boyfriend at all. You will not be able to have a healthy relationship with a man until you are able to see sex as a pleasurable experience and not abuse or something you must endure to keep your partner happy. You will question any man's motivation even if he truly cares about you- who wouldn't? I really hope you seriously get to a counselor. If you call a rape crisis center they can help you- you don't have to be a recent victim. They will help anyone who needs it. Please do it- this can follow you for the rest of your life unless you get help.

It sounds like first he is not understanding of letting you enjoy sex. And you have issues from your first sex experience.

I would suggest counseling for both of you, and also talk to him about how it hurts, sex should not hurt.

I think you need to address the sexual assault with a trained professional. I also think that while a lot of the negative thoughts you are thinking about your current boyfriend are fueled by underlying psychological damage from the ex-boyfriend, your current man has perhaps abused you further (possibly not intending to). I have a hard time believing that he is not aware that you are not enjoying the sex, and if he is still partaking with that knowledge he really is using you.

Your first priority is to get yourself healed. Forget you have a boyfriend at all. You will not be able to have a healthy relationship with a man until you are able to see sex as a pleasurable experience and not abuse or something you must endure to keep your partner happy. You will question any man's motivation even if he truly cares about you- who wouldn't? I really hope you seriously get to a counselor. If you call a rape crisis center they can help you- you don't have to be a recent victim. They will help anyone who needs it. Please do it- this can follow you for the rest of your life unless you get help.

I have tried to see a psychologist. I went to two sessions, but had to stop because it was too expensive. I am currently in law school and handling a fledging business with my boyfriend, so I don't have the resources for it, unfortunately.

I have tried to see a psychologist. I went to two sessions, but had to stop because it was too expensive. I am currently in law school and handling a fledging business with my boyfriend, so I don't have the resources for it, unfortunately.
Try here first:

Rainn.com
1-800-656-HOPE
This is a national hotline with live help. You can also type in a zip code to find a center close to you. I am sure there a many who need counseling and cannot afford it. They may have something at your school, as well.

You say nothing about your feeling while having sex. Does it give you a feeling of love for your boyfriend, do you feel a closeness and a bond like you were one. Do you feel like that having sex with him is the ultimate feeling of giving yourself to him, and do you feel that he accepts you in a way that makes you feel safe with him, and do you have a love for him that will never die. If you don't, and if you are just having sex because you think you are pleasing him. If you are glad when it is over and dread the next time that it will happen. If these things are true then I feel like you need to tell him how you feel, and it you want to continue with him being your boyfriend you need t tell him how you feel. You don't want to spend your life in a lie making him think you are enjoying sex, but if it is something that you two can work on it is possible that you can make it a long and lasting marriage if you decide to marry.

You say nothing about your feeling while having sex. Does it give you a feeling of love for your boyfriend, do you feel a closeness and a bond like you were one. Do you feel like that having sex with him is the ultimate feeling of giving yourself to him, and do you feel that he accepts you in a way that makes you feel safe with him, and do you have a love for him that will never die. If you don't, and if you are just having sex because you think you are pleasing him. If you are glad when it is over and dread the next time that it will happen. If these things are true then I feel like you need to tell him how you feel, and it you want to continue with him being your boyfriend you need t tell him how you feel. You don't want to spend your life in a lie making him think you are enjoying sex, but if it is something that you two can work on it is possible that you can make it a long and lasting marriage if you decide to marry.

I don't feel anything emotionally when we have sex; I try and think of something else and wait until it is finished. I realize that being void of any feeling during something that is supposed to be highly emotional is an issue, but that seems to be the way it is. I do want to marry him eventually, and as I mentioned, our relationship is great otherwise, but I don't enjoy sex.

You are welcome. I really hope you find help somewhere.

Do you think he would be satisfied with the sex life he is having with you at the present time. And as time progresses he is going to want more involvement from you, he is going to want you to initiate some of the sexual activity, maybe it would involve watching porn. So there is a lot you need to think about before you consider marriage. There is more I could tell you but I am not sure you want to know. So if you do let me know.

You've built the sexual part of your relationship on a lie. I can fully understand that and how, bit by bit, you got where you are. That you are aware of how much is amiss is good. I was once where you are now. As gently as I can say this, I don't think you are fully grasping your situation. Telling him isn't going to fix what is fundementally amiss here. That abuse you suffered has left your ability to navigate sexual intimacy very impaired. It is why nothing seems to have gone right since it happened. I think you'll need help to put the pieces back together-- more help than what we can provide here, more than what a loving, understanding boyfriend can manage. You make no mention of receiving any kind of help for the abuse. What it ever reported? Did you ever see any professional about it? If not, I would encourage you to do so now. Its only fair that you have a shot at a full and happy relationship.

If seeking professional help is not possible without telling your boyfriend, then tell him but I would really really advise that if it can be delayed until you've seen a therapist for a bit, do that. You will eventually need to tell him, of course. But it would be nice if you had a bit of foundation under you in case that goes over badly. Othewise I think you may be signing up for more damage heaped on the pile, so to speak. Not good.

I speak of these things as one who has been there. I've healed from what happened to me (a sexual assault by a stranger at the age of 15 that almost killed me) but only with serious professional help. I don't think what happened to you should be taken lightly. If you don't know where to start, call your OB/GYN and ask for a referral. Or even the Rape Crisis Hotline in your phone book.

You can heal from this, with or without your boyfriend making a problem on top of it. But I won't sugarcoat it, it will take some work. Its doable and worth it so let's take this one step at a time. Make the appointment to see someone who can help. Okay?