My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years now - married for 7 of those years and very happy. We recently made a decision to have an open marriage and have agreed to a set of guidelines in place to protect our relationship. I have no concerns regarding this decision.

My question is in regard to the following situation - do I or don't I?
I have a very close male friend who I have known since college and who I've always been curious about. He is currently unattached. He was friends with my husband and myself when we all lived in the same town but was always more my friend than my husbands. We moved about a year ago but still keep in contact and I have been down to visit him a few times since the move and he's come to visit me as well. My husband travels a lot for work and so all of the visits were just the two of us.

We have a great time together but have never been physical. During one of his visits to my place and before the open marriage agreement we had a great weekend where there were late nights, drinks and some sexual tension but did not act on anything. After he left we were on the phone and briefly talked about why we didn't do anything when we had every opportunity. We talked about how he was interested in college and about how strange it was that we never got together while in school. He then said we probably shouldn't be talking about it so the topic was dropped. Last time I visited him was late November and I told him about our decision to have an open marriage. It has been one of the few times that I wasn't able to read him. There was flirting happening during the remainder of the visit but nothing physical.

He called last week and we talked for a couple of hours. During the conversation he asked when I was going to come see him so we made plans for the first weekend in February.

I think I've made myself clear without coming right out and asking him if he is interested in anything further now that I have the green light from my husband. My husband knows that I'm interested in him physically and is okay with it. Please note that I'm not in love with my friend and the open marriage agreement with my husband wasn't made because I've wondered what it would be like to be with my friend. My friend and I have a great time and he's physically attractive but in no way am I looking to replace my husband. I am interested in a friend with benefits situation.

Do I talk to my male friend before the visit and spell it all out to get his perspective so I know how to proceed when I get there?

Do I just wait until I get there and feel things out? (It is the first visit since I've told him about the open marriage)

Do I seduce him? I don't want to ruin the friendship and I'm not an oblivious woman who reads into everything... this is a new situation for me and I would like some outside perspective on this.
Thank you!

An open relationship with your husband, et al, should not be subversive in any way. You have to spell the situation out to your friend that you have a 'friend with benefits' agreement with your spouse. (Are you absolurtely sure that your spouse knows what this arrangement means? He is perfectly willing to share you with someone else ?) I do get the impression from what you say though, that your friend wants you to be more then a **** buddy. You can spell it out to your friend, my dear, but I don't think it will make any difference. I don't think seducing him would be a problem.

Ms tickle

OPEN, ( although it seldom works) is jut that, open everyone knows the deal, your sex partners all know your husband knows, he knows anything he wants about it also.

OPEN, ( although it seldom works) is jut that, open everyone knows the deal, your sex partners all know your husband knows, he knows anything he wants about it also.

Yes, you are quite right. It seldom works because jealousy always rears its ugly face, on either one side or the other. It all depends on how much love is involved between spouses as to how much jealousy. Although the spouse who wants it, will always, but not often, apply the double standard.

Tick

Right, if it's open, everybody knows everything that's going on. The husband, the wife and any other parties know what the situation is.

Right, if it's open, everybody knows everything that's going on. The husband, the wife and any other parties know what the situation is.

You know how well your open relationship works when one party suggests a 3-some, 4-some, or whatever. Then specific guidelines have to be set up and all parties have to get together to agree to them. Then the fun starts :eek:

Tick

I'm not concerned about the definition of open. I just wanted to be clear in my write-up that my husband and I are on the same page, he's aware of my intentions and I'm not cheating. The question is more geared to if it seemed appropriate to approach my friend or not given our current experiences together. I don't want to risk damaging the friendship if he's not open to the idea. I've decided to talk to him prior to my visit and see what his perspective/interest is in seeing where things would go and then go from there. I'll post again once we talk. Thanks everyone for your help and insight!

Hi there. I don't believe this is a great idea. Maybe having an open relationship can work for people, it could for you, but the BIG problem here is the fact that you want sex with your friend! Most open relationships are with strangers, or work colleagues (people you are not emotional connected with) which makes it only sexual. Because you are emotional connected with this man, and you now want to be physical, it could end up with you both falling in love with each other and ruining your marriage. Is sex with this man really worth risking your marriage? Have a more realistic think about this before doing anything. Hope this helps.

Update: Visited friend and discussed the situation. Decided to not become physical. The thing is that I think sex is emotional and I think it's reasonable that I have a level of attraction for this friend but at this point I don't think it's worth harming the friendship. I think the whole open marriage thing is defined by however we (my husband and I) determine we're comfortable with it... not necessarily with strangers or random people so while I respect ones opinion on that point and who is fair game - I don't agree. I discussed the whole above situation with my husband and received his okay before I thought about pursuing it. Bottom line - I still haven't acted on my part of the open relationship but my husband has once and while it was new territory we worked through it just fine. My marriage relationship is in a good place. I haven't acted yet but it's because to me it is more about having a connection with someone and then taking it to the next level and I haven't found someone to do that with yet. I'm open to it though. Thanks guys for all of your input and taking the time to weigh in on a stranger's predicament. All the best -