Me and my fiancée have been dating for 6 and engaged for 1 yr. Getting married in 10 months. We are 26yrs. When we first started dating sex was great and often. Then we got serious (thinking of marriage, etc) and we decided to stop having sex so that honeymoon would be fun and exciting that was 2 yrs ago (I am totally OK with this)

We do not live together and when we do see each other we do nothing sexual. On our 7 year anniversary I took her out to the same restaurant we had our first day. We both got dressed, etc. she seemed interested in doing something later that night. But when we got home she fell asleep watching TV on the couch.

I have told her that our sexual life sucks and she says that after marriage when we can have sex it will be great. Since she is not into getting oral or others things. What should I do? Any suggestion or ideas?

Also, I compliment her often and respect her when I know she is not in the mood.

What a very sticky situation. Twenty-six years young is an awfully young age to decide to put sex off until after marriage. She could be completely serious and dedicated, or masking something more serious, like not having a high libedo.
Let her know you are concerned, and talk with her about them. Let her know you respect her in not wanting to engage in innercourse, but still wish to share some type of intimacy.
If she loves you, she'll respect you.

Sounds like the thrill is gone to me. She sounds bored and depressed.

I suggest counseling. The last thing you want to do is marry and find that your sex life sucks (no pun intended).

Believe me, things do not get better after marriage - the things that bug you get worse. No oral or other things now? They won't happen magically once you marry. At this rate your fun and exciting honeymoon will be a complete and utter disaster and marriage will not be the solution to your sexual drought.

Time to talk to each other openly and honestly or do it via a counselor. Put marriage on the backburner for the moment.

Or it could just be the simple fact that she still have this little thing called self control which 99.9% of humans lack these days, and honestly just wants to wait until you are married before having sex again.

Maybe it's a way to see if you are willing to cope with it, a test of sorts.

Take it for what it is, don't read between the lines and don't think twice about things.

Ah yes, self control. Most brides and grooms practice that the night before the wedding. A HUGE sacrifice!

Your sex life sucks because you both agreed to wait until you were married to rekindle that part of your relationship. You were okay with that.

You have nothing to gripe about now. Had you not agreed, or you both agreed to break the contract, that is different.

You and her deciding together not to stop having sex before marriage, is in no way an indicator of how successful your marriage is going to be.

As you said, sex was great before you both decided to stop and wait.

I'd say cool your jets, and wait out the 10 months.

Me and my fiancee have been dating for 6 and engaged for 1 yr. Getting married in 10 months. We are 26yrs. when we first started dating sex was great and often. Then we got serious (thinking of marriage, etc) and we decided to stop having sex so that honeymoon would be fun and exciting that was 2 yrs ago (i am totally ok with this)

We do not live together and when we do see each other we do nothing sexual. on our 7 year anniversary i took her out to the same restaurant we had our first day. we both got dressed, etc. she seemed interested in doing something later that night. but when we got home she fell asleep watching tv on the couch.

I have told her that our sexual life sucks and she says that after marriage when we can have sex it will be great. Since she is not into getting oral or others things. What should i do? Any suggestion or ideas?

You agreed not to have sex. So, what 'sexual life' should you be having?

What was your agreement when you decided to wait until marriage to have sex again? Did you expect oral sex and hand jobs (anything other than vaginal intercourse?) or was the expectation that kissing and hand holding would be the extent of the 'affection' shown? Has the engagement been longer than you thought it would be when you made the agreement?

It sounds to me like you are not okay with waiting until your honeymoon. That you have changed your mind about waiting. IF that is the case you need to be open and honest with her.

What did you really want out of the 'anniversary dinner'? A special evening with your fiancé or intercourse?

At the same time:

Not having sex does NOT mean not showing sexual interest in the other person.

Having self-control doesn't mean the kissing can't be passionate, or that that EVERY aspect of a sexual relationship should be gone.

No, it doesn't necessarily mean handjobs or oral sex... but it doesn't mean having the love life of a 10 year old, either, where holding hands is enough.

If in 2 years of abstinence there haven't been some hot and heavy moments, it's probably NOT going to get hot and heavy just because there's a piece of paper and a couple of rings involved.

You need to TALK to your fiancée about this, in my opinion. My bet is that she has a naturally low sex drive, but loves you and does not want to lose you over the sex thing. BUT--you BOTH need to be open and honest about it.

It's okay to change your mind--it's not okay to break your agreement without at least a serious attempt at discussing it with her.

Thanks for the great responses... I agree that we decided to wait so no sex, but still no kissing, or anything. We see each other 1-2 a week, only a hug and a peck on the lips. I don't want to make a big deal if it's not.

So when is the wedding date ? It appears you have set things out a long distance,

No kissing is a bit dodge. That's where I am in my relationship. But that's because me and my fiancé had what you could call the same agreement.

Now I avoid getting involved in passionate kissing simply because it would lead to something more than kissing. I lack what I called self control in this post.

Its damn hard to keep myself from touching her body, kissing her with passion etc. I so badly want to do it, but I must resist. It looks like my fiancé is finding it easier than me, but who cares.

Hope you can relate to this.

You could look at this another way.

Say you were married, and illness happened that put a hold on your sex life for several months. Or you had a baby together, and she had post partum, or her lack of desire for sex went out the window because of stress over money, work, etc.

It is not unusual for a million reasons married couples have a loss of sex for long periods during their marriage.

For you, right now, it does not mean she has a 'problem' or that she has a low sex drive, or that her not giving in has anything to do with predicting what your sex life will be after you are married and the contract of no sex ends.

What I would do is just talk to her about sex. Does she wait in anticipation of the wedding night? Does she have nearly uncontrollable sexual urges? Is she trying as hard as you are to put the sexual part of your relationship on ice?

My guess is, she has the same feelings as you do, and just doesn't show it the same way, and perhaps she's trying even harder, because if she shows that side of herself, she won't be able to keep the contract.

You won't know until you talk to her, but I do think it is unfair to suggest in any way, that there is somehow an indicator of the success of this upcoming wedding, that will determine your sex life.

It's only 10 months I think you said, until you are married. That is like a pregnancy with complications, and a month after the baby is born. She wouldn't want sex during that 10 months either.

Your posts are getting contradictory:


Also, I compliment her often and respect her when I know she is not in the mood.

What is 'the mood'? Am I correct in thinking this would indicate that she is in more of a 'romantic' mood at times?

On your anniversary, she seemed 'interested' doing 'something' later, but she fell asleep while watching TV with you. What gave you the indication that she was 'interested' in 'doing something later'?


but still no kissing, or anything. We see each other 1-2 a week, only a hug and a peck on the lips.

This makes it sound like she is NEVER 'interested' in more. However, your second post that I quoted at the top and your anniversary story would show that she is. She may be doing her best not to give you any more temptation than she knows you are already under.

I agree that you need to discuss your feeling with her. This is as much an exercise in communication skills as it is about controlling your libido.

Thanks everyone. We are going to see each other this weekend, sit and talk. Hopefully its just a misunderstanding and we both are on the same page. Thanks!

Good luck.

Personally... I am of the opinion that you have had sex... it tapered off, she wants no sex now... but promises you it will get better AFTER you get married... I'll bet the no more sex until the honeymoon was her idea... right?

Well, did she offer to sell you some rare oceanfront property in Nebraska too?

Sorry to say... from MY perspective... you have a woman with a LOW libido... and marriage is no aphrodisiac. I don't see anything changing at all.

Its not like you are both virgins and agreed to wait until after marriage. THAT would be a different scenario than this one however.