Guys, Read many of the posts on this site and some are inspirational and give you a sense of your not alone so thanks, My question is this..

Having spent 8 months with my girlfriend I lied about staying overnight in hospital rather than a day visit, I did it to get attention from her but she found out and finished the relationship, I apologized straight away and gave the reason for it she has said that she accepts and understands why I did it but can't be in a relationship like that, we split about a month ago and I did all the usual things, I wrote her a letter explaining stuff which she acknowledged but I was texting her a lot and getting no replies to anything so 2 days ago I text her and asked if I could call, she replied and said yes so after an hour of talking and me being completely honest I opened up to her in the end she said she wanted to be friends (Hate that phrase) but couldn't be in the relationship because of trust.. She said she wanted us but knew it wouldn't work as no matter how hard she tried she couldn't change it.. I didn't disagree and said I needed some time on my own.. The truth is this woman is the only person I feel I can truly open up too. We can talk for hours but I can't be friends with her the feelings are too strong.. I have resisted texting or calling for 2 days now and know it will ease in time.. My question is do I stay and try to be friends in the hope of building the trust back up or do I cut loose and accept I made a big mistake over my lie (Which I know I did, I should have just talked to her).. Thanks Guys

Further to my post.. My ex when we met had just lost a previous boyfriend and had spent months looking after him, I tried to support here and that how we got together, we work together and there is a guy in work who wanted her really badly and became enraged when he found out about us, there was a lot of pressure and eventually we both went to HR to complain... She ended up in mediation with him and that made me feel more insecure as he was getting time alone with her.. I did/do trust her completely but he then turned on me putting me down and passing comments to me from other people about me as a person etc.. I didn't tell her about this as I thought it would make things worse for her so kept quiet hence the attention seeking stuff... I have never connected with anyone like her (I isn't a kid trust me) I just don't know what to do...

You can't be friends now as you need to heal from the breakup so no contact,as in no texting,talking,mailing etc.
You must do this for yourself so you can move on with your life and be happy again.

Amicon, thank you... Before our conversation on the phone 2 days ago.. I realised that my texts and contact (Outside of work, I can't aviod it in work but just keep it to work related stuff) were of no use after reading this forum, so I said on the phone I needed time on my own to realise what I needed.. She said (And this is what I don't get) "I dont mind the mad txts you sent so dont stop", for me that's worse than just being friends as I know she won't reply.. Its hard wnough losing the person you let in to your inner most thoughts but to keep you txting like that would be torture for me and I realised that hence why I said "I need time alone"...

BUt trust me it's the hardest thing in the world to do.. I have deleted the number and haven't made contact.. I guess for me if someone can't accept that you made a mistake and give a genuine reason for it (Which I did and it was truth) then they can't accept that humans do make mistakes and hurt others but they learn and regret in order to move forward then as hurt as I am at losing her it wasn't right..

Doesn't help though I miss her like crazy.. Even just talking all night (Which we did a lot) Thanks all


Oops haha one last question... How can someone that doesn't trust you want you to be friends??

Good-no more texts-why keep boosting her ego? As little contact as possible is the way to go-stick to it.
All breakups are tough,it takes time and patience with yourself getting over someone,that's just the way it is.

Yes, we all make mistakes.
I assume you lied to get attention?
Maybe you have some issues about insecurity and low selfesteem that you could work on?

I wanted her attention due to this guy that wanted her (She doesn't want him) (Read above) he pressured me with insults and such (Hes my boss! ) Ive dealt with all that now through work.. I just wanted her to show she cared about me (Totally wrong I know) She has accepted and understands all that I just don't get the friends thing if its finished on trust... Can I just say that I have NEVER lied before and never will again.. I should have talked to her about my feelings at that time.. I have reflected on what has happened and know where I went wrong... God I'm rambling haha


As a footnote, I have still have some of her things here which I have as the site suggests put in a box away but she still has door keys and some things to my house.. I have asked for the things to be exchanged (Posted if needs be) in my letter to her.. That was 3 weeks ago and I also asked in a text but have no reply to my request... How do you stop this, I don't want anyone having by key (And House alarm Control Fob) I could change the locks but can't change the alarm...

Well,ramble on,it's allowed.
As for being friends,my take on that is-a lot of dumpers say that to ease their guilt,and/or to make themselves feel better about having dumped somebody.
I wouldn't worry about that now.

Is there any way I will get her back?

I couldn't tell you that-I can only advice you to act and live as if that's not going to happen.

Thanks Amicon.. I know you are right I just feel cheated that I made a mistake feld my hands up and after months of being told oh ye you're the one and a lot of other stuff she walks away.. Yes I made the error but I mean so little to not forgive... This is poop haha

Wouldn't you rather face this now though than finding out further down the road that this relationship was not what you thought it was?
And a lesson learned,lying is probably,to most people, a dealbreaker.. . :-(

I know I did wrong... I can't say no more I'm just punishing myself for a mistake I bitterly regret and don't know why I didn't just tell her I wanted to know we were OK and how I felt... male pride sucks... I don't blame her at all just want to put things right I guess the time has gone.. thanks u.

Hi Cutloose

Unfortunately your lie might not be the actual reason why she broke it off but you seem to be focusing on that. If she really loved you there would be no way that one descretion would be the end. I would say that she probably had reservations for a while and the "lie" gave her an out.

As far as the being friends thing and her saying it's fine to text etc. that is her easing her guilt for breaking up with you , by the sounds of it she still likes you but not in the relationship type sense , so what you need to do now is go complete No Contact otherwise you'll just be wallowing around with False hope for months before you realise it's a lost cause.

It sucks being dumped , and it'll hurt for a while , but you can make the hurt go quicker by accepting it and not hanging on asking yourself all the if's and why's.

Come here and vent when you need to , there will always be people here who you can talk to , and read the stories on the forum to get a better perspective of how it generally all turns out.

Good luck!

Friend4u, Thank you for your response, I do agree with you and so do a lot of my close friends, I have managed 3 days now of NC and I'm proud of that, whilst I did wrong I made the apology and was completely honest when I spoke with her, what I feel is unfair and derogatory to me is a statement like "I want us but know it wont work" which she said, that gives me something to hang on to is is wrong from her, I just want my things back and to return here's and move on, I think one of the biggest reasons you fight so hard to save something is the fear of ending up on your own (Especially when you become more mature) well you know what... ITS OK... The way I am trying to reason things is... If she wanted me in the first place there is no reason someone else won't... learn from what happened don't make the same mistakes and enjoy life.. I went out yesterday and boought a load of gym equipment (Thats my escape now)... I just hope that I receive no more texts or contact from her (Other than work).. I can't be friends... I know that... It wouldn't be fair on either of us and ultimately I would be going down the same road of lying to both of us which in the long term would slow my healing and prevent me moving on.. What being dumped has taught me is that you focus on YOU not them... Many Thanks to all who have replied and I will continue to post even if its drivvel..

I think you're thinking along the right lines.
Have a friend help you do the exchange of your respective stuff-stick to the NC and start enjoying your life again!

As for drivel,it isnt-and you should come back here whenever you want to.:-)

Amicon Thanks, You know the hardest thing is accepting that you are a decent person... It makes you feel worthless and about 6 inches tall.. We all know the risks you take when getting into a relationship that's part of life but it gets harder as you get older to recover... This BB is amazing and the posters give real advice I wish I had found it 6 weeks ago. Thank you all

You're very welcome-we all recover though and meet new people.

Every relationship's a learning experience and somehow,sometime,somewhere,we'll get it right!

Hi All, another day gone and another day I've managed to keep my finger off the send button.. It isn't getting any easier and I still think "Can i salvage this", "How do i get her back", "How do i make her see that she was my soul mate"... I guess these are questions that most who have made mistakes and want a chance ask... I will never know the answers and will never pose the questions... Monday should be fun have a meeting with the man who put me under the pressure to tell the lie and look for re assurance... I don't blame him I blame me for the lie but I reconcile that with the thought that if the relationship was strong enough she wold of accepted (As she did) the reasons for it and not judge me on 1 mistake.. She will be in the next office as well!! Oh my god! Do I ignore her or pop my head in and say hi.. she knows I'm attending and don't want to appear ignorant... I need to be strong now and show that I'm moving on with my life ad she wasn't my only reason for living and advice received I will be grateful for.. Anyway another day done with NC and she feels further away.. is that good or bad... instinct says bad but head says good because you made it through another day... Another installment tomorrow... thanks all just for being there an reading what I've wrote... Take care x

She will be in the next office as well!!! Oh my god! do i ignore her or pop my head in and say hi..she knows im attending and dont want to appear ignorant...

She knows and is probably dreading it too , I'm sure if you just leave her alone she'll think much more of you than if you pop your head in and embarrass her. And don't think that's being ignorant on your part , she's the one who made the decision the dump you , you owe her nothing so you need to stop putting her on a pedestal she doesn't deserve.

You also get to keep your dignity this way ;)


...I need to be strong now and show that im moving on with my life and she wasnt my only reason for living

Exactly , keep that thought.

Friend Thank You... I have to agree.. Will walk straight past with my head held high... Day 4 of NC work again so should be an easier day.. To be honest I actually woke up and wasn't thinking about it which is a positive step, although its been nearly 6 weeks as the last contact was Wednesday I've started from there so all in all I isn't doing to bad.. Have a good day all will post later and let you know how I got on today

Wishing you a good day!:-)

Well work finished and friends wanting to talk about her and how I'm doing... They seem to think that I should leave it for 4 weeks and write a letter to finalise things.. I don't agree I think that just gives me more problems and know I would be hurting waiting for a reply... Bottom line is its over and I don't believe it would help.. The one thing I have found is that people want to advise you even when they don't ask... Things like... Shes quiet an won't speak... You have to know for definite if its over... You can't let it go without fighting... So confusing... The people in work know us both well and want to give opinions... My head hurts but I'm still sticking to NC thank god... Yes its hard but I try and rationalise it with the thought of txting and not getting a reply... Personally I wish we could both sit down face to face and have her say Look its over... That won't happen for one reson or another getting dumped by text is the worst and shows cowardice as far as I'm concerned.. I deserved better than that...

I did get a text last week saying that she thought I was going through some issues and she wanted to be a friend.. It also said that I shouldn't critise her for for not playing there game by my rules... I think she was referring to my previous text of saying I won't text because I don't get any reply and its frustrating... What game?. What Rules? I feel the games are being playued by her and she doesn't know what she wants and is fighting with the idea of wanting me but can she trust... Trust is something that is built and takes time it doesn't just happen... Im waffling again but I think NC has to be the way from me.. if I hear nothing then I've lost nothing and I recover quicker...

Nc definitely. Stick to it and don't get drawn into any gameplaying.

Thanks amicon... Another text I don't get that she sent at xmas time was this... Love is a crocodile in a river of desire!. I struggled with that at first but my thinking was that she was saying that she wanted me (River of desire bit) but I wouod hurt her (Crocodile bit) anyone else got an explanation for this text... U can see now why I'm so confused and came here for advice...

I've no idea what that means-have you tried googling it?

Found it will post the meaning.. It is an old proverb saying from 1 AD writtin in Sanskrit its meaning is this...
Desire is a neccessity,loving is a risk, it swins in the river,the river swirls, carrying it along,the river of desire transports us, the waters of the river seek out and explore channels,pressing forward,opening their way in front of them,the river has a future,its meeting with the sea, the crocodile by contrast,bites and kills,it can serve as an actor in an exotic television soap, but is no service in the pursuit of greater pleasure. No one strokes a crocodile... Man I've had enough of this... I think she is saying I'm dangerous!!

Or to cut it short from Wiki answers

According to Augusto Boal, the "river of desire" is a necessary part of human existence, and "love" is a dangerous part of that.

Am I still stuffed and has that meant that it was not meant to be... YOu know what folks I'm more confused than ever haha still ding NC though

You'll be fine-just let the emotional confusion settle-and sticking to good old NC. :-)

I just feel I'm being tied in knots and she doesn't know what she wants... thats not fair on me.. having thought a bit I think the saying means that through life you will have desire but if you are temped sometimes you will get bitten... my lie seems to be the bite I think

Possibly but don't lose any sleep trying to interprete this.
Concentrate on getting on with your life.

What your doing is what we see lots of Dumpees do at this stage of the breakup , you are overanalyzing the if's and why's. The more you do that the longer it'll take unfortunately :( Its quite normal to do that when the emotional dust is still swirling around. It's not easy but you just need to accept that it's over and when you start to try and justify stuff wack yourself on the head and stop yourself.

And one more thing , tell your friends/work colleagues to not mention anything about your Ex because that's not going to help you at all.

Friend, amicon, Thanks I'm going to not go back just move on tomorrow is another day thanks x

Hi All, Back from work and what a day...

Had my meeting and Yep she was in her office... She saw me coming and looked straight ahead.. I walked past her office and didn't even acknowledge her... Hard... Anyway meeting finished and out I come.. By coincidence (Or was it?) she comes through the corridor the opposite way... I carried on and said nothing just as if I hadn't seen her... The... "Oh hi You (She always called me that) what are you doing here, i dint know you were here"? (Lie, I had sent an email to all managers to say I was in a meeting and the tracking told me they had all opened it prior to the meeting), Eyes fluttering and heavy make up on.. Now I'm thinking I've got to stick to NC how do I get out of this... Remembering the words of wisdom I learnt on here... "Oh just had a meeting over such and such gotta go"... and I walked away while she is still standing at her office door...

Now I'm not a bitter man and can accept that if I don't make someone happy then I would rather they were not with me but to be talked to as if I had forgotten everything I felt and told a lie (Which was the excuse I was given in a txt) to me made me think "You hypicrite" and I realised that even though it felt as if she wanted to say more and flash those eyes at me I had to leave... Its good that I feel that because for the first time I feel as if the emotion of loving her is fading and being replaced with anger, and a knowing that anyone that can treat people that way doesn't deserve me.. I would respect someone hurting (As she knows I am) and not talk to them or say hi and walk away... For now anyway... One brief encounter has made me realise that I could NEVER be friends with her and at some stage in the coming months (Not yet NC for now) I will tell her that no explanation just NO... Why do women (In my case) think that the pain goes away so quick and you can revert to smiling, flirting and normal behaviour around someone who is devastated that they chose not to let you into their life after a longish period together.. Is she heartless or just ignorant to the situation... I just know that I'm glad the initial face off is done and I can move forward..

First-you handled that well-kudos to you.
Keep going as you are and at this stage your anger will probably help you move on-it will fade as well,to be replaced with acceptance.

Why she acted the way she did is yet another one of those nobody knows whys-so don't let it worry you.

NC works so stick with it.
If you can't avoid running in to her,brief nod and keep walking.

ANd before its said... I think she was hurting to at some point.. Maybe its just because she made the decision and I didn't.. I have dropped people in the past but I've had the baubles to tell them face to face and respect the fact I hurt them after it... What A... sorry

Amicon thanks, I genuinely think she is of the opinion I want to be friends even though that hasn't been stated by me.. only her... She isn't a kid (Late 30s like me) and she lost an ex patner last year after nursing and caring for him for over a year so she knows the pain of losing someone... If I could have my say (Which I won't ) I would say LIsten have a heart and leave me to get over this will you in my own way for now..


Well,that's the decent thing to do and the decent way to act,but then again people have different ways of handling difficults situations.


Ye they run and hide then pop there head over the edge when they think the dust has settled... Ostrich comes to mind only this one had make up on haha... Anyway I feel better that its over and my actions.. I kept my dignity wasn't nasty, short yes and she got the impression I didn't want to talk I think... Tomorrow is another day

Ostrich with make-up's a good one! Though it might get mucked up when they stick their head in the sand.
Stay dignified and have a good day tomorrow.

I found a good analigy of what I would want in the future..

The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves and our mistakes

Agreed-and love the other the same way. :-)

I think that goes without question and has always been my outlook...

True-it should . :-)

Hi GUys another day gone and a big day for me pasted... A milstone you might say... Ive spent most of the night reading posts on here and I have to say that it gives you strength... im slowly accepting that ist over and the thoughts get less every day.. I thought after seeing her today I would have gone into meltdown.. but I didn't I'm actually quite exceptant of it now... I did love her and probably will always have a soft spot for her but I know after looking at her today something has changed in ME.. whether that's anger or detachment I don't know I just know that I couldn't be friends ever. I have one last thing to resolve which I'm unsure on how to do... I have some furniture of hers here (Her favourite massive leather chair for 1 (In MY bedroom (Which is on the top floor of a three storey house) I want it out of my home and told her to pick up up weeks ago.. She said she would arrange for it to be Professionally removed (Its to arkward and big to be done by me and will damage the house if I tried) the keys she has to my house were to be exchanged with this.. How long do I leave it before I say Hey look get it shifted... and give me the house keys back.. for me its like a final piece that I want removed from my life and has to go..

While we still have things of each others that mean stuff i.e. her favourite chair and my house keys I can't completely move on as they are special things... It was a big deal for me to give her keys to my home and her to move that chair into the bedroom so it's a part of letting go for me its how to resolve it... I don't want to involve others (We are both private people) yet don't want to break NC!!

I would though- ask a really close friend to get the chair back to her-and the same friend could ask her to post the keys to you.

After all your friends know you've broken up,don't they?

Amicon has a point IF you do have friends who can do it , but I think it's fair to expect her to get her chair out and to get your keys back. I would send her an email stating that you'd like it out while giving her sufficient time as that will come across as not trying to be vindictive. I know it's breaking NC but your not doing it for the wrong reasons or by trying to gain anything regarding the relationship from it.

Just be amicable and I think you'll be doing it right.

Ps: Congrats on the way you handled seeing her at work , good job :)

Friend of ours in work don't know as she has said nothing and it isn't my place to say anything.. Even the guy that got me stressed doesn't know... and she works with him! The chair is to big to be taken out by friends amicon it took 2 guys an hour to get it in... Besides which it isn't my chair and as has been stated I owe her nothing I isn't paying for its removal that's up to her she broke it off not me.. Any damage to my house will also be paid by her (Not being aggressive but its my home) I was considering doing nothing but that would make my recovery longer and land me with a bill for new locks and alarm (As she has the remote to control it... Just don't understand why she doesn't get the stuff exchanged quickly... lets move on and get on.. Im not an aggressive person and we never had an argument or raised word even in the breakup so she knows I won't kick off about it,

Im hoping it isn't a case of more games to linger this on as I know the chair means an awful lot to her..

Ok-I'll go with Friend4u's option-short,polite email telling her she has until such and such a date to arrange the removal of the chair-all costs to be paid by her-plus posting your keys back to you-pronto!

There is a rumour in work that we have split but no one actually knows they assume but don't know.. hence the questions of fight for her and the rest... people want info because the guy that was pressuring me is one of the senior managers and works closely with her.. The staff are curious because they know we haven't spoken to each other and are waiting for this other guys reaction but there hasn't been one so I know he doesn't know... anyway that's a side issue...

Thanks... It does make me a bit sad that I have to break NC.. I will wait a week and see if any arrangements come through but I guess even if they do I have to break NC to agree it.. Oh well start again haha.. I will get there in the end!

It all seems like one long game to me... Im not analyzing it as such but if you read back there were weird texts then accusations by her that she wudnt be playing the game by my rules then the try to butter me up bit today coupled with the lack of getting personal stuff back (After 6 weeks now) its just dragging it out... I wouldn't mind if the damm thing was in the garage but it's a constant reminder when I get out of bed.. Not good

Your going to be breaking NC for a good reason and to resolve a situation that is delaying the healing , that's why I think in this case an email is fine. Your not doing it for the wrong reasons which so many Dumpees do to try to get some sort of reaction and interaction from their Ex and leaves them hanging with False Hope.

Seems to me your trying to get control of the situation and in my opinion that's a good thing.

Well,she should have had the decency to return your keys immediately after the breakup.
I guess a week's a good timelimit as regards the chair.
I gave my ex a month to pick his stuff up-then I gave it to Oxfam.

I would if I could get the damm thing out! The keys may be the trade of.. she knows I won't get rid of it while she has the house keys... as I say and others have said you can't understand a woman's brain... But I know if it was me I would want my things back asp if I was the breaker... Something doesn't smell right to me I don't know why it just doesn't... Even after the breakup she knew I had already got and wrapped all her xmas stuff and I still said look its over they were bought for you just take them... nothing.. She had bought my little girl (Stays with me every week lives with her mum) presents and the child knew that but didn't have the decency to let her have them or even mention them.. Thats her choice of course but you don't do that to kids (She is only 12)... anyway the email it is a week today.. then I burn it after chopping it up to get it out haha... Joking

Peace... 1.. 2.. 3... 4.. 6.. 6.. 7.. 8.. 9.. 10 I'm calm and back in NC mode

Sorry about your daughters pressies- your well shot of your ex I think.
You could save the chair for Guy Fawkes.. .
As for understanding women,being one myself, we're all different.

It's 1115 pm here so good night.
Have a good day tomorrow.

As are men... goodnight

Hi Guys another day done and NC sort of didn't come off.. Had to talk to her about work stuff on the phone but I did not bring in the relationship or anything like that.. Then got an email of her asking if I was OK... I didn't reply.. She phoned and said she hoped I didn't think she was coming across short with me.. I said no everything is fine and left it at that... Strange sort of day but I'm off now till Thursday and she is off till Saturday so won't have to go there again this week, It amazing how far my feeling have changed I still miss her and have feelings but they are slowly going further back.. When I saw her yesterday she looked really pale and drawn (Shes petite anyway) but didn't look well... Anyhow its another successful day... Oh no mention of the return of the things from her... whats new 6 days and she gets the email... Payday tomorrow so no excuse for it not to be removed by her... Thanks all hope all OK

Yes you did well-workrelated conversations that are a must don't count in my book-so you're still NCing along nicely!

It really does get better day by day and it's good you've got those days off.

Hope you get your keys back soon though, what a pain in the neck.

Thanks amicon, yes it is I was hoping that I wouldn't have to do the asking but she still has 6 days... She keeps putting these smiley face things like this :-) at the end of emails its as if its trying to provoke me I would have thought she realised that I was keeping it formal but she is a strange creature and very deep

Oh forgot to say.. I found a way of feeling good about me.. I put a profile on a dating site... Didnt join or anything just put it up (I isn't ready after almost 7 weeks) but I got loads of mail (God knows what's in them you can't open them until you join) but it makes you feel that she isn't the only one and others are interested I find it boosts ye confidence

No you need to be properly over the ex before you start thinking about dating again-though having one's confidence boosted is nice. :-)

Day off today and tried to fill the day but I hurt... One thing I've learnt over the last week or so is that no matter how hard to pretend to yourself you can't stop the feelings you have... Not ashamed to admit it but I found myself crying today going back over memories I have with her,, Its hard and it hurts but I know I'm another day closer to being at peace with myself... Im sure some will say that I deserve the pain and hurt for telling a lie and I do deserve it.. I didn't mean to do it and it wasn't a cover up of anything it was my way of saying I needed her at the time but I couldn't because I felt so weak at the time and didn't want to come across that way... I have learnt a big lesson so please don't judge me.. I paid the ultimate price for not just the fib but maybe for not being as open with how I felt right through the time with her.. NC for 1 week today.. Yes she's further away but I'm that little bit more acceptant of the situation.. I will know when I am ready to move on and that for me will be when the phone goes and I don't look for her number or when I pass her in work and don't want to hold her... That time will come... how long it takes I don't know I just know I have to get htrough each day as it comes thanks for reading all

Crying's good for you-it relieves tension.

We're not here to judge you-you are well aware that you made a mistake and the person you need to forgive now is yourself.


You!re doing very well with the NC.
It gets better-one day at the time.

You have time off,keep busy,maybe see your daughter?

NC can and is the hardest thing I've ever done... your natural instinct is to go towards and confront what is causing the pain... but by doing that you cause more pain because you get rejected and the circle doesn't end.. I don't know suppose its different for everyone but its hard... Still nothing about this damm chair or my keys... daughter at the weekend so that will keep me busy she's growing so quick amicon thanks you are like a guardian angel on a shoulder that slaps you every time you get weak.. (Thats a good thing) thanks

I'm not slapping you- I'm just flapping my wings.. . Thanks for the confidence.

The beauty of this site is we're all strangers trying to help each other out!

As for keys etc you have your own deadline, so stick to it.

Spend some great time with your daughter, our children are the most precious beings on the planet.
And don't they just grow up quick, my son's seventeen and he towers over me by thirty centimetres.

Hi guys,haven't been on for a while, hope a;; is OK... Well wwhere am I in my recover.. well no keys and no exchange of things and the final curtain still evades me... I have stopped looking for the txs finally afer 8 weeks but I can't come to the final resolution until things are exchanged... I don't know why she feels that she wants to hang on to them or leave her stuff here.. I have given another deadline of Thursday 04th Feb.. that was last week by email again... she replied and said she didn't feel she wanted to collect them and would pass my keys and stuff when she does get her things... she has said that she will get removal men to do it.. Thats when I gave Thursday as the day.. Ive heard nothing since and I'm hoping that will be an end to it... If they don't turn up then I guess I'm in limbo and will not bother anymore.. so frustrating and I explained in the NICE email that the keys are symbolic to me... they were me letting her into my little world and for me to get closure I wanted them back and her to collect her things... Anyway keep you updated... Thanks all

This time I suggest you stick to the deadline and if it's not met-get rid of the chair and change your locks.
You've given her plenty of chances to act like an adult and do the right thing.

Time to be tough and NOT let her play you for a fool anylonger!

Amicon, I totally agree with you... I feel that I am being played with and kept hanging but no more the time has come to end this charade once and for all... A close friend of both off ours spoke to me last week he said she had talked to him and blamed herself as well as me for the split.. I asked him not to talk to me about it (I knew I was getting stronger after that)... She text me last week asked if I was going to a work mates leaving party as she wouldn't go if I was... As it would make it easier for me!. I didn't reply.. She didn't go and neither did I... Why should I feed her guilt and self asteem by replying... 3 days to go we wioll see if the chainsaw has a day of destiny with a chair soon enough haha.. Thanks all

You did well by not replying to her text! I hope you feel that you are moving on- I think you are.
I hope you won't have to oil that chainsaw-but remember- you are in charge.
If she can't act like a grownup and sort those things out-well tough- her loss.
.

It is very childish amicon.. I think I gave a reasonable reason why I wanted the things exchanged and its no shame on my part to say that these things are the last link and I want them gone.. I actually feel a little bit of power in this now(Its not about winning or losing I know) but for me the dragging of the heals and the unwillingness to swap the stuff makes me believe that she is unsure and wants to cling on to the last things.. (I may be wrong) but I view it that way and it gives me strength that I am acting in a reasonable adult way... NC forever now it does work if you are strong enough..

Yes,she may be ,but whatever her reasons are, you keep moving on with your life.
Nc forever is a good mantra!

Thanks amicon.. The tide does change if you are strong enough and believe in yourself... I use a simple tool now to help me... A.L.E. (haha) it stands for Accept the past... Learn from it and your mistakes... Evaluate your future... Becuase there is one for everyone it doesn't stop when another human being doesn't want to share it with you.. It just means that you get twice the pleasure from it... Thanks all

Now that is REAL ALE!
Come back and tell us how it goes. :-)

I will amicon.. Im sure I will have to remove the things myself but you never know she may decide to grow up and either show what game she is playing or removals men turn up Thursday we shall see.. either way I can walk away knowing I was grown up (After the initial please don't do this and all the crap you do) x

Warning-May be a bit harsh!

I have followed this thread from the beginning, and I am sure you appreciate the suggestions and support Friend, and Amicon have given you. But when I came across this,


So frustrating and I explained in the NICE email that the keys are symbolic to me... they were me letting her into my little world and for me to get closure I wanted them back and her to collect her things...

Being a guy, I have sort of lived by the mantra, say what you mean, and mean what you say, and think you left this exchange thing go far to long, dwells on it to long, and let this whole thing carry you to some unrealistic tangents. When you confronted her about it, instead of coming straight out about YOUR KEYS, you make them some sort of symbol your conveying about this truly being over.

Nice try at sympathy, but the facts say you hemmed and hawed over your stuff but did nothing, until you finally got the courage to take action, and get results. On your terms, no less.


I suppose you had to get through the process a bit, to be fair, you did finally do it. But in no way blame her for your inaction, not completely at least.
You don't get to lay blame, while not taking responsibility for your actions, or in this case, inaction.

Failing to recognize your part in a failed relationship is a certain sign that the mistakes will be repeated yet again.

Be aware of these lessons you have learned, as you are well on the way to healing, and moving on.

Talaniman Rule-Never date a co worker. No matter how good she smells.

Good Luck!

Thanks Talaniman, I agree with some of your statements and comments in that I failed at first to act decisiverly in respect to MY KEYS.. I think that was my way of not accepting that it was over and I Don't blame her for my inaction, I expect from ANYONE in a relationship or not to behave in a respectful manner, withholding property that belongs to another person is such a manner and I found it fard and still do find it hard to accept. I made several requests for her to collect her things without deadlines as I thought that was me being respectful of another individual however, that time has gone and now I WANT MY THINGS BACK! End of. Hers will be given to charity once my deadline has passed which I feel is the most appropriate and adult way to handle things.. No one is to blame for the split it was a 50/50 thing and the relationship wasn't strong enough for it to make it through that's the bottom line I think.. I have learnt a lot and the consequences of male pride and not asking for help or affection at a time you need it in the right manner.. I received a text of her today asking if I was OK and hoping I was good! I didn't reply and you know what.. I actually found it quite easy not to.I just deleted and carried on.. No mention of the exchange and I'm sure it won't happen.. You know what... I don't care!! I will change my locks and give away the things and when she eventually asks for the things I will be honest, truthful and explain my reasons in an adult way. God I feel good... Many thanks for all your responses it ahs given me strength to carry the NC through bless you all...

Sorry withholding property is not a respectful or adult thing to do.. not as stated in my previous post

Back again and well the deadline passed and nothing so I have changed the locks and the charity came and took her things today.. I got a text off her on Monday saying she had only just got some text of my over the work do thing and asking if I was OK with lots of?? at the end.. I didn't reply.. Then on Wednesday she rang my workphone.. let it ring twice and she hung up (Prob expecting me to ring back) I didn't I figuared that if it was important and about work she would have left a message... Anyway the final act is done and I got rid of the past at last.. I do feel better about doing it but still feel it is sad that I had to give the things to charity... Im sure at some point I will have to explain my actions but I gave enough time and notice for the things to be gone... Time to move forward... Thamk you all for your advice and words it has really helped and got me to a place were I'm finally comfortable after 9 weeks... I have learnt a lot and will take that forward with me... I don't blame myself anymore in fact I don't blame anyone... I have fond memories and that's what matters.. I will post again but thank you all so much... x

Before I go, I spoke to a close friend of ours on Tuesday and he told me she had spoken to him and blamed herself as much as me for the split.. He kind of summed up how I came to a peace in myself when he asked me to answer the following things..

1. Do you know what went wrong from your perspective and what you did?

Answer... Yes

2. Did you apologise and explain the reasons for it?

Answer.. Yes

3. Have you learnt from the experience and you own failings?

Answer... Yes

4. Have you told her how you feel about her?

Answer... Yes


Then you can do no more and should walk away proud that you had the courage to face your shortcomings and learn from them (In the end). I will learn from all this and the 1 thing I will take away is that you must share what you are feeling inside and not push people away when you feel you can't tell them.. Letting someone in means just that.. You let them into you, not just your home or your bed and its not a bad thing to admit you can't deal with a situation.. It takes more strength to admit weakness than to hide it with a lie... Take care all

End of chapter,lesson learned(I hope) and life goes on.
Take good care of yourself.

I have and I will.. thanks amicon

Come back with updates if you feel you need to.
Happy weekend!

Hi all, back again... My ex has text me asking how I am and am I OK... I haven't replied but don't get why she is doing it now... I did speak to her after my last post as I felt strong enough too and just wanted MY closure.. She said she had forgiven me for my lie and fully understood and accepted why I had done it but couldn't forget the way it made her feel... I accepted that and told her that I hoped she would find what she wanted and to take care... Havent contacted her since but now the texts have started from her... I do still have the feelings but I don't want to break NC.. any advice

Hi- I'm glad you're feeling better.
'She can't forget how it made her feel'-that comment from your ex makes me think you should ignore her texts.

It is not as if she is saying,I understand,I forgive you,and lets try and work this not.

Remember,you made a mistake and her reaction,was to break it off.

Thanks Amicon.. I didn't understand her comment really.. If I knew how it made her feel I might have got it but there was no explanation she just said she couldn't forget how the lie made her feel. The confusing thing for me was that I was conmpletely forgiven and she had understood the reasons for me doing it (I was under a lot of pressure) (No excuse I know).. I have ignored her and I will continue to as she did with me when she broke it off... Its not to get her back for the ignorance but for me to be able to continue to heal... I kind off look at it this way... I can't be friends (Not for a while anyway), she doesn't want me in her life in the relationship so why do you want to know if I'm OK? You don't! I don't know what the play is here but I isn't playing no more.. If somebody doesn't want you in there life and the other person finally accepts it then please let them go and don't keep them reminding of it.. I will keep to NC and see what comes next.. Thanks guys

Wise to keep no contact as you need nothing else to heal, and being curious about her feelings (any woman's really) will not help.

If you think about it lying is a deal breaker for new romances, as it brings up trust issues and she didn't want to deal with it. Had she been the one to lie, you would certainly have second thought about her, I believe.

Plus as Amicon says her breaking up about it, instead of being willing to work things out, is a big indication this romance wasn't worth the effort involved.

Maybe its for the best, but next time just don't lie about your actions.

Talaniman, thank you.. You can be harsh but you are always true... I know I made a mistake an I paid for it.. There are reasons behind it and I ended up hospitalised because of those reasons.. I went through a breakdown and didn't know how to ask for help.. I owned up to the lie straight away and accept my actions and the consequences.. I don't and have never lied before and never will again... It was one of those moments in life you regret but learn from... Bottom line ask for help don't be a plank and hide it... Thanks all I really appreciate the advice and will keep the NC

You keep NC and keep swimming!
Good luck!