My husband and have been married for over twenty years. He has always had an issue when he hurts my feelings. (he doesen't do it often) I can usually deal with it and not take it personally, but when I have a low tolerance and he does actually get to me he makes it my fault and goes off on "how I should toughen up" and "why is it such a big deal?" We have worked our way through a lot of issues and really do love each other. We are very committed and I just want to have an answer to this... is it chemical? Is it learned behavior? Is it just chicken sh@#? Why does he not "grow out of it?" (he's 40)
He always comes around and I stick to my guns and he figures out that it was him and not me eventually, but for a long time I allowed it to shut me down emotionally. Not anymore but it still becomes an issue when he's an a**. I need results... medication, a book, a specific therapy... help... I'm too old for this!

In which way does he hurt your feelings? Some more information would be good.

At this stage in the game you both should have good communication...

Does he realise what he is doing?

I would suggest to both sit dwon and discuss what happens and a way of pointing out the behaviour when it happens..

For example.
He has hurt your feelings and behaving like an a*s... you say,remember we talked about this,and we agreed to sit and talk about it OR remember we talked about this,you have hurt my feelings so I'm going for a walk...

Talk it out, and find common ground to deal with the hurt feelings.

How does he hurt my feelings? He gets really self-absorbed and blows me off or gets extremely critical or just behaves like he is the king of the world... He is really an extremely sensitive man and very kind just very self absorbed... we do sit and talk about things like this... we've been to counseling... we have learned a lot but even last night we back to that place... he was rude to me, I shared that it hurt my feelings and could he just be nice... he got mad and said we shouldn't even be having this conversation... blah,blah,blah, why do I have to be such a victim and how can I attack him like this over nothing? HUH. I believe he may have Irritable Male Syndrome (Male Menopause... ) He has been overly depressed, anxious, edgy, grumpy and things are good... our life is great, we have great sex, great laughs, great talks etc... he is just physically dealing with something and it is making him hard to live with... you never know what to expect... he was like this when we first got married... is it too much testosterone or too little? He's a very charismatic alpha and has lots of friends and is very active. He is well respected and successful. He is just a jerk to me. Great dad. The best dad. Sooo... just hoping someone has stumbled upon the magic cure for grumpy males! Thanks for your ideas...

Sorry,

Guys get b!tchy too. Sometimes it's mental, sometimes it's hormonal, sometimes it's just moodiness. It's a shame that he doesn't deal with it very well. He at least acknowledges showing his butt eventually. My wife has to put up with my occasional shut-downs, I'm one of those internalizers.

Yes, there is a book. It's called "Have a New Husband by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman.

He sounds like he could use some help in the respect department.

Good luck.

He sounds like he has far more good qualities than bad.

My husband will nit pick in a teasing way like a really big mosquito that just keeps buzzing and buzzing until I nearly lose my mind, which is what I think, the reaction is that he wants.

It doesn't happen very often, but it seems when I'm under pressure for something or other, he thinks he's being funny and lightening my mood, but it has the exact opposite effect. I want to knock him out.

But, I just let it go and ignore him most of the time. Like your husband, mine too has all the traits of a fine human being, husband, father, friend. So he bugs me once in a while. In the bigger scope of things, that is pretty minor don't you think?

Hey- thanks for the input! Nice to know I'm not alone in this pursuit of happiness! Hang in there and like I always say it could be worse! We are so blessed at our house and it sounds like you are too! Thanks!
He sounds like he has far more good qualities than bad.

My husband will nit pick in a teasing way like a really big mosquito that just keeps buzzing and buzzing until I nearly lose my mind, which is what I think, the reaction is that he wants.

It doesn't happen very often, but it seems when I'm under pressure for something or other, he thinks he's being funny and lightening my mood, but it has the exact opposite effect. I want to knock him out.

But, I just let it go and ignore him most of the time. Like your husband, mine too has all the traits of a fine human being, husband, father, friend. So he bugs me once in a while. In the bigger scope of things, that is pretty minor don't you think?

Hey Catsmine, thanks for the info... nice to get a male perspective... I don't know about you but when he was 18-25 he had a terrible time with everything... emotions, anger, overstimualtion, stress, everything... it got better for a while and now that he's 40 an headed to 41 real soon it seems to be coming back? Just want him to have a great life and not have to del with all this bs if he doesen't have to you know?
Sorry,

Guys get b!tchy too. Sometimes it's mental, sometimes it's hormonal, sometimes it's just moodiness. It's a shame that he doesn't deal with it very well. He at least acknowledges showing his butt eventually. My wife has to put up with my occasional shut-downs, I'm one of those internalizers.

Hey Catsmine, thanks for the info...nice to get a male perspective...I don't know about you but when he was 18-25 he had a terrible time with everything...emotions, anger, overstimualtion, stress, everything...it got better for a while and now that hes 40 an headed to 41 real soon it seems to be coming back?? just want him to have a great life and not have to del with all this bs if he doesen't have to ya know?

I don't remember 18-25 that well. It was the 70s and I was big time into the counterculture. I think I had those problems but the drugs kind of fuzzed them out.