Hello,
Never done this but I'm at my wits end and I need something to change. I've been married for 10 yrs now. We have 2 boys (4-8). I feel the relationship we have is just dying and I am numb to everything except my boys. I love my spouse, I truly do but not the way I use to. It's more like a very close friendship anymore. Over the years the time they would have to spend with family had been taken by other activities and I feel like we're constantly on the backburner. Church and the involvement therein has taken most of any extra time we could have as well as very poor time management. That's the one thing I thought that might change a bit when I was dx with luekemia. I even tried taking more of an active interest with the music protion of the church but I just didn't enjoy doing it. Bible study is something I am trying now but I feel it's not something I'm doing for the right reasons.
Anyway... I went from working full time to now staying home. They went from working part time to working full time and it was only because had to push them to do it. Financially we were heading south and it didn't seem to register that the only obvious action was for them to start working a full time job. It was a big adjustment for both of us as we did have "other" plans (me to work... them to stay home) but life changes and you just do the best you can. So because of my illness I am always home and I take care of the house as well as our boys the best I can, even though I suffer from various side affects from treatment (which is going well) so my days constantly fluctuate. Constant fatigue is the worst and if you haven't experienced it, well, it's just hard to make people really understand how debilitating it can really be. Fighting to stay alert and awake all day is tiring in itself. The good thing is I've always stayed in shape and still try to keep control of what I can. I think to myself that sometimes because I do push myself so hard that everyone sees me do all that I did before so I must be "ok". I do this by ingnoring how I truly feel and carry on with what needs to be done. I hate feeling "limited" so I won't or at least I try not to be limited. Overall though, I feel completely unappreciated, neglected and honestly it seems like I just "exist". My feelings like I say are numb as oppose to being resentful before. As weird as it sounds for me to even say this I just want to be taken care of sometimes too and I hardly feel that's important to the other person... or at least not as important as it should be. Any form of intimacey is pretty much nonexistant. I am usually the instigator when it comes to anything sexual. Hugs and kisses don't feel like anything to me anymore although I think they still feel something for them. I've also thought maybe this is all in my head since I've been sick. All I know is I wanted someone in my life that would be there for me as much as I am there for them. I have thought about divorce but I can't imagine how my boys would deal with that or how living arrangements would be afterwards since I'm on permanent disability. I kind of feel stuck but then again... I really don't feel I need much. The ability to spend time with the kids is plenty as long as I have a place to call home nearby. It's all just so overwhelming so this is why I'm sharing this... My next step is setting up a session to talk to someone and see what they can tell me.
There's probably so much more to add but at this time I'm surprised I can think of this much! Thanks for reading this and I appreciate any suggestions...

Have you talked to your husband and expressed yourself in the detail and with the eloquence you have used here?

My best advice to you sweetness would be to talk to your hubby about how you feel as this is both your lives if things are effecting you both.Maybe start by asking him how he is and coping with your illness and then let him know how you are feeling on everything.A good man and marriage are worth fighting for, sometimes we just need a nudge from someone to start talking.You sound like an amazing women who trully loves her family.Take care and good luck :-)

Just be as honest as you are on here if you find it difficult to talk to your hubby why not write to him.

Have you talked to your husband and expressed yourself in the detail and with the eloquence you have used here?

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Have you talked to your husband and expressed yourself in the detail and with the eloquence you have used here?

Still trying to figure the site out as to how to navigate but anyway... I should have made it clearer in my original post... This is my wife that I am speaking of... so I apologize for the confusion... thanks for the input so far though...

my best advice to you sweetness would be to talk to your hubby about how you feel as this is both your lives if things are effecting you both.Maybe start by asking him how he is and coping with your illness and then let him know how you are feeling on everything.A good man and marriage are worth fighting for, sometimes we just need a nudge from someone to start talking.You sound like an amazing women who trully loves her family.Take care and good luck :-)

Well this is becoming embarrassing... I didn't mean to be misleading in this however I guess in a way I thought I had mentioned it was me (the husband) in there somewhere but after looking back, sure enough I hadn't. But oh well...

Well hello Husband I will give you the same advice talk to your wife or write her a heartfelt letter if that would be a lot easier to express your feelings to her.As I wife, mother and Women I appreciate honesty if you have expressed your concerns to your wife and nothing changes, maybe marriage conciling would help you both separetly and together.I wish you all the luck in the world.Just decide what is right for you and your future and if you want your wife to be apart of it.

Oh yes might not be a good idea yet to mention you have posted this to your wife as it could backfire instead of helping you to deal with your problems... just a little advice :-)

As the kid of parents who have a dead relationship, you need to do something about it. Separate maybe? Conciling? I may be a teenage girl but I know how it feels to be stuck in the ruins of a broken family. Think of it from your kids perspective. If they continue to see your relationship in the slump it is, they will form incorrect ideas about what a relationship is how marriages work. Sometimes things don't work out is a better lesson than marriage doesn't require full effort on both parts

It is important to sort out your relationship problems or leave, because this will have a alsting detrimental effect on your kidsif they are around this unpleasantness. You not only have a responsibility to yourself to sort things out, but also to your wife and to your kids.

Have you tried talking to your wife about how you feel?

How is your health right now? If you need support, right now might not be the best time to make an extreme decision...

One more thing... It you are tired and fatigued and unwell, it can really have an effect on your mood, and how you perceive things in your life. It may be that you do have problemsin your marriage, but your perception of them might also be somewhat clouded by your current state of poor health and fatigue. Just a thought...

I agree with Sandalwood7, definitely. And I'm not trying to harp on you, but, when they say detrimental effects, it really is detrimental. Just ask my psychiatrist, though I don't tell him much thanks to my trust issues

Yeah Emo Princess... I agree. Yes, a bad marriage affects everyone in the family. Once you have kids, they should be a priority in your decisions. Staying togetherfor the sake of staying together despite problems, is not a solution, but is only ignoring the problem.

Yeah, my mum stays with an abusive man just to give me and my brother a father figure. I never knew that was abuse until a month or so ago when my mum sat me down and said daddys aren't supposed to beat mommys and kids. Thanks mum. Thanks

oh yes might not be a good idea yet to mention you have posted this to your wife as it could backfire instead of helping you to deal with your problems .......just a little advice :-)

Thanks for that input... she and I have had many discussions on the issues I've mentioned and repeatedly it's been that she will really try to make a change. I know she wants to try but when it comes down to it... even 2 yrs later, nothing has changed. When I first mentioned counsiling she became upset that I'd want to talk to some stranger about our problems. I am going next week alone (not telling her about it as of yet) but I may still get her to come with... we'll see.
Oh yes... and I didn't plan to mention my posting but obviously it may come up later so then we'll see how that all goes. Thanks again...

Don't hide it!

Hide it... definitely don't tell your wife that you are on this site right now

Not that, the going to counciling. Look, my mum tried that. Don't!

Hiding the going I mean

hiding the going I mean

Oh OK.. I got what you mean... as far as letting her know. I guess it wouldn't hurt to tell her. I had planned on telling her after I started... so that I can see if she'll go with me. We'll see how it goes this time around as I mentioned before she wasn't for it at all.
As for my boys, they are mostly just with me throughout the week. Weekends we are somewhat together as a family but I know I am very very careful as to not let on that I'm bothered by things and completely unhappy right now. They still bring out my happiness in things we do together so that's always an upside. When she comes into the picture I do feel uncomfortable but am still able to "act" as if I'm "fine" if that makes any sense. Because I am always tired... that becomes an excuse for quite a few things.
Will be in counsiling by next week I'm hoping...

Yes I agree children are put in the middle and it can sometimes be best to leave a bad marriage and live apart :-) as happy parents

I know this is hard, but I think that you need to be really honest with your wife about how you're currently feeling.

Don't make it her fault, just tell her you're tired, overwhelmed and filled with negativity about the future.

Also let her know that you've decided to go to counseling on your own and that this is your way of trying to deal with what you've been feeling.

It may be that your marriage is doomed, however it may not. Keep in mind that you are unwell with a serious illness, you're not working and that this has changed the dynamic between you and your wife. Remember, she may be feeling overwhelmed as well.

I would also suggest that you may be depressed - you certainly have good reason to be - and that this is something you may wish to discuss with your counselor.

Now is not a good time to be making decisions about your marriage or your future life. I know that uncertainty is hard to deal with, but you may have to put up with it a while longer until you feel better and things become clearer. It's difficult to wait, but often waiting provides greater clarity and a better solution than impulsive action. Change is possible, even when it seems improbable!

Good luck with the counselling and your on-going treatment.

From a purely personal standpoint - my late husband was very sick for a number of years, in and out of the hospital for months at a time. Our lives certainly changed when he was no longer able to work, when he went on disability - financially, socially, our relationship.

Your wife is going through all sorts of emotions, too. She is undoubtedly concerned and afraid about finances, your future, her future. It's very difficult to always have to be the "strong one." Her life has changed, maybe not to the degree yours has, but her life has changed, too.

I would marry my husband all over again tomorrow, knowing what our outcome was, but that type of illness changes people, sometimes not for the better, sometimes temporarily.

Have you talked to her about her concerns and fears?

From a purely personal standpoint - my late husband was very sick for a number of years, in and out of the hospital for months at a time. Our lives certainly changed when he was no longer able to work, when he went on disability - financially, socially, our relationship.

Your wife is going through all sorts of emotions, too. She is undoubtedly concerned and afraid about finances, your future, her future. It's very difficult to always have to be the "strong one." Her life has changed, maybe not to the degree yours has, but her life has changed, too.

I would marry my husband all over again tomorrow, knowing what our outcome was, but that type of illness changes people, sometimes not for the better, sometimes temporarily.

Have you talked to her about her concerns and fears?

First I am sorry for your loss... and yes... I agree and understand what you are saying. Although she may not even realize it too... the situation has changed our feelings about things and it might be hard to even acknowledge it. I have talked with her about her feelings but mostly she's worried for me and my having to deal with being sick. As far as the relationship, we talked again last night and may have found some things, some ways to try to bring us closer together to work past issues we've had or are still having. I haven't felt I've brought much happiness to her life in a while but I could be wrong. I did share with her that I am going to talk to someone and she seemed very receptive to it this time (as far as going with me at some point) as oppose to last time we discussed it. I know there's a lot we've invested into our lives together and we still love each other but I'm hoping we find the happiness as well. Thanks again for all your input and support... it's great having different views on this and getting it out so I don't feel so overwhelmed with it on my own. THanks!

I know this is hard, but I think that you need to be really honest with your wife about how you're currently feeling.

Don't make it her fault, just tell her you're tired, overwhelmed and filled with negativity about the future.

Also let her know that you've decided to go to counseling on your own and that this is your way of trying to deal with what you've been feeling.

It may be that your marriage is doomed, however it may not. Keep in mind that you are unwell with a serious illness, you're not working and that this has changed the dynamic between you and your wife. Remember, she may be feeling overwhelmed as well.

I would also suggest that you may be depressed - you certainly have good reason to be - and that this is something you may wish to discuss with your counselor.

Now is not a good time to be making decisions about your marriage or your future life. I know that uncertainty is hard to deal with, but you may have to put up with it a while longer until you feel better and things become clearer. It's difficult to wait, but often waiting provides greater clarity and a better solution than impulsive action. Change is possible, even when it seems improbable!

Good luck with the counselling and your on-going treatment.

I am in the mind set to wait to make any major decisions... this is why I decided to go talk to someone. I want to make sure that what I'm feeling isn't all just about the illness or depression. I was in meds for depression a while back but was able to find another outlet in that I no longer needed them. I use to ride motorcycles (it has always been a passion for me) before getting sick and then for 2 years I couldn't so I had no way of getting "out". I was stuck at home all the time. I decide later that I was able to ride again and got another one and after I was back on the road I was fine. It's winter now so I thought maybe since riding is now once again out of the picture I have no "outlet" to make me feel like I'm NOT trapped. So because of this I know to make a decisiton... any decision that may impact my marriage is one that I really need to wait and see about.
I do try to express my feelings very clearly to her and make sure she knows that none of what I'm dealing with is her fault. She's not the type of person that deliberately dismisses how I feel but sometimes I think she just forgets how bad I can feel. She becomes too busy and distracted with outside things and that's been an ongoing problem for some time.
After another discussion the other night she made a decision to not be so "involved" at church and take a break and she also made some suggestions as to how we can spend more time as a family. After church we joined a family martial arts program... just a trial for now so we can see how we all like it... but this way we'll all be together... spending quality time as a family. I'm hoping the changes we are making and the reality of what has been going on in the relationship is becoming more clearer to her as I believe that's what's really going to make the difference. We have some of the same goals but mainly we want happiness first so with time maybe we can still find that.
Thanks again for you comments! I really appreciate all of them from everyone...

First I am sorry for your loss.... and yes..... I agree and understand what you are saying. Although she may not even realize it too...the situation has changed our feelings about things and it might be hard to even acknowledge it. I have talked with her about her feelings but mostly she's worried for me and my having to deal with being sick. As far as the relationship, we talked again last night and may have found some things, some ways to try to bring us closer together to work past issues we've had or are still having. I haven't felt I've brought much happiness to her life in a while but I could be wrong. I did share with her that I am going to talk to someone and she seemed very receptive to it this time (as far as going with me at some point) as oppose to last time we discussed it. I know there's a lot we've invested into our lives together and we still love each other but I'm hoping we find the happiness as well. Thanks again for all your input and support...it's great having different views on this and getting it out so I don't feel so overwhelmed with it on my own. THanks!


At one point my husband actually pulled away and when I sat him down and asked him why he had a theory that if we were somehow not as happy together losing him wouldn't hurt me as much - are you sure you aren't pushing her away?

And thank you for your note of sympathy - my late husband was a very good man.

At one point my husband actually pulled away and when I sat him down and asked him why he had a theory that if we were somehow not as happy together losing him wouldn't hurt me as much - are you sure you aren't pushing her away?

And thank you for your note of sympathy - my late husband was a very good man.

That's a good point... it's possible I guess but I feel the life we started together has somehow become separated... like we're off in 2 different directions. She's become more spiritual than I and I've felt as if I have to compete with church and anything else that she'll take on instead of putting more time in with us at home... She is the type of person that's always taking on more than she can handle, everything is last minute and unstructured. I find it very difficult to even function like this... especially when I'm as tired as I am.