Hi guys, here it is, My ex keeps saying she wants me, and loves me then tells me that I"m annoying and she can't stand me, what the f__K?! Ok i can understand she is confused in some ways but why does she keep draging my heart over the coals, to sort of speek?

We met in college, like two years ago. Her and her BF of the Time, Tim (I'll refer to him a lot.), were having relation ship trouble. In fact they got together on relationship issues. There was a misscarriage and she was heart broken, and I was there for her. They fought, and I was there for her. She wanted to go out, I was already out and once again there for her. Some where in there I fell madly in love with her nurtering love for her desire to keep old books she used to read for her future baby, how smart she was, how she was there for her man through the hardest of times, and her being well hot and so much more, like her humor, easy going personality, her smile/laugh, and once again soo much more.

We were chilling at my place one night and she cuddle up to me and fell asleep on me. I held her through the night, till she started thrashing and punched me in the face, ouch! She was talking too. She was acting out her dream so i woke her. She siad it was just a dream, but I felt there was a lot more to it, and I was right. I found out later just how right and I'll explain that too.
Any way she was laying on my bed and made a come hither motion and when i went to her she kissed me. I pulled back and siad, "Milla you have a boyfriend, are you sure you want to do this?" She then pulled me close and we had sex, several times before she had to go to class. She admitted to "cheating" on her BF before as he started cheating on her and then just didnt really stop. Then after her class we had more sex. From there we did it now and again for about two weeks, in which she told me she didn't have sex with Tim. I dont think I really believed it but I wanted to so I went with it. Any who she and he split and I was at her place a lot more. I stayed the night almost every night for two monoths. About a month and a half in she started to tell me she loved me. We did so much together too. We had her friends over or went out with them and had a lot of fun. She had my nieces and nephew over to do finger painting and that above all else means everything to me. That was the night she said, "I love you James." For about a week we were happy as I stayed every night with her now, then her ex Tim came around and they would spend hours in the truck just talking. Then the next week they were hanging out and going out and I was to wait at home for her. She still kissed me and told me she loved me but I didn't understand what the heck was going on, so i just let i all happen. In this time I learned about her thrashing and talking in her sleep.

She was talking in her sleep and i woke up, i'm usually a very light sleeper, and she through a fist. I grabed her and held her so she couldn't do that, then asked her to tell me about what she saw in the night terror. She told me bits and pieces, and I put it all together from her telling me of an old Bf whom smashed her in the face with the butt of a rifle at a pit party. I out of all the people she knew, knows, figured it out becuase I took the time to listen and learn. I've inquired, very carefully mind you, about who out of her family and friends knew/knows about it and none of the people she confides in had any idea. So i left it and tried to help her deal with it. Like many girls I've spoken to before, she opend up to me that night abou the whole situation and how she was tied up and raped. I have heard so many of these tales I wasn't surprised. I still have night mares about a lot of them, but none are as vivid and consistant as hers. I can never save them in the end I fail, I guess some dreams you can't change...

I did have a few nights at her place where I was going nuts trying to track her down as she told me she'd call or be home at a time. I called the hospital, cops and all over. Nothing. till she would come home and say, "I am sorry James I was just spending the night with Tim." I accepted this as she did tell me she'd break my heart and I told her she'd one day hate me. haha. True these things did come to pass. haha.:rolleyes: At any rate she was open and honest with me and told me almost daily, "I am not your girl, I still love Tim and may go back to him." And so she did. I moved out and lived with my mum. Haha, every 23 year olds dream, eh? haha. I still talked to her now and agian, then Tim told her she wasn't to talk to me nor see me nor any thing and she just about cut me out till she found out she was prego. Man we had another amazing day like we used to and we cuddled and talked about the future possibilities of having a baby together. We prommised to never let the child be something we didn't want. Wheather she was with Tim or not, I swore I'd be there for them both, wheather the child was mine or not I swore I'd be there. (I know that was dumb of me, but I would halve. And in a way i was...) I droped her off at her place and Tim came home. He had said he'd bash my face in if I ever came around agian. So she stopped talking to me for a time, but she had promised to keep me informed about the baby. She got ahold of me about 4-6 months into the Pregnancy and showed me the ultra sound, they did more but I never saw any of those. About 2-3 weeks after the baby was born her sister texted me and asked if I knew what was happening to Milla. Aparently she was in the hospital because she was bleeding too much and fainting because of it. Tim, he would just leave her on the floor, in fact he left the delivery room while the baby was being born, and had sex with other women while Milla stayed home and dealt with fainting spells and a crying baby as well as while she was pregnant still. I hate my self for not standing up for that Child, I'm trying to forgive myself but I can't seem to find it in me...

Milla got better and snuk out to talk to me and give my coat back as it was the only warm thing that seemed to fit her through the pregnancy and after. I spent all that time wiating to hear and all I got was shut out. That made me so mad, but still I wouldnt hold it against her but I will hold it agains myself. Milla told me I did what I thought was best with what I knew at the time, I told her I did what I thought you wanted me to do, cater to tim's needs... In doing so I let down this innocent child who needed me. After the baby came Tim didnt change, he kept leaving Milla unconcious on the floor, or the abusive aspects. He gave milla an S.T.D., so sexual abuse, as I know this from working with abused women. Neglect, leaving her on the floor alone and possibly dying. Physical, as he used to hit her in the night for thrashing and talking in her sleep, because of a reoccuring night terror in which she was raped. Mental and Emothional, he'd yell at her and call her names just to make her angery. He'd try pushing her buttons to see where she'd go. Finacial, he wouldnt let her get car insurance even for the safty of her, and the child. He claimed that there wasn't enough money, as he buys a PS3, and goes drinking with the boys.
Then the abuse on the child, He yelled at an infant. He ignored her basic needs, like when Milla would pass out, he'd leave the child unattended. He wouldn't change diapers rather he'd sit and play PS3, He wouldn't feed her if Milla was too weak to do so.
And still I can not hate him, i still rather hate myself for not being there. I know i"m taking way too much responsibility as I'm not Tim, I can not be help accountable for what he did, still I feel I should have fought to see the baby, but then how woud that have helped? I had just found out I was bipolar, and my Psych was changing my meds and I was getting really messed up, to the point I didn't understand if I was real or not. I was in a rough place too...

Then 8 months of that and after the baby was born, Milla went swimming with my brother's ex and my nieces and nephew, and during the time they were planing this milla had mentioned me a lot. How much she missed me, dreams she kept having of me, and stuff like that. Then I went with them, as my brother's ex advised I should go, so I did. It was so amasing seeing the baby for the second time. (Remember I saw the babies beautiful blue eyes when Milla gave me my coat) Milla and I talked for an hour or so after the pool, then her BF came Tim. I left, wasn't about to cause any trouble for them, milla and baby. That didn't matter but Milla dumped him and hung out with me the next day all day. She vented to me, I listened and tried to comfort her as a friend. As we sat on the edge of a brook over looking a river with the stars up above, she cuddled up to me as she didn't have as much clothing as I had, so I held her. Then she asked if she could kiss me. I said, "Are you sure?! You need time to get over Kevin, and to get back to yourself! I dont' want to get in your way." (Important Fact: I believe that True love means you will love and respect yourself, forgive yourself, understand, know and ultimately be yourself. As I've said before, how can you attract your soul mate if you are not Being yourself.) She kissed me. Then we had sex, yes great great sex, it was always great with her, but I once again stayed with her at her place and we were kind of dating. Not really more of a 3 month 1 night stand. In that time she told me she loved me and wanted to bear my children, have a house out in the country with horses and such, a shop for metal work for me, and a shop for wood work for her, traveling the world and such, doing fun stuff, and getting married. She told me that I was a much better father figure than Tim ever was. We still didn't know for sure who was the father me or Tim. God I loved that time, I had a loving amasing wonderful girl friend, and a beautiful healthy baby girl.
Then I got sick for a week, and was going broke from all the "fun" things I was paying for us to do, and everything went to hell. I got depressed as my meds didn't stay in me, I felt insecure about milla's loving me as she was still in love with Tim, and I knew it. When I asked her about it, she denyed it. I couldn't afford to take us out so we got stressed, and I stopped working out as I didn't have money for it. I tried to figure out how to budget out money so as to find a way to have some spending fun money. I was trying to make a budget for her, and I, and scheduals for us as we were getting too over run with stuff and kept missing appointments and stuff. Then she told me to get out, I was too smothering. Fiar enough, but the reason I got so over whelmed with all this was she brought it up constantly and reminded me of things she wanted to do and wished to be doing and how crappy her ex's were. I felt I had to make that all better, so yeah, my bad for allowing her to smother me with her stuff. We did it to one another I guess. We both knew it was too fast.

Well a week after I moved out we got the test results back for who the babies father was and I am a dad!:eek: :p:D Yeah, I was happy. Still am. That complicated things again for her and Tim as she started sleeping with him again 2 days after I left. He plays with baby as she reminds me upon our visits. It kills me inside just that much more. She says she won't take the child away from him, but then she agrees to move with me out of our home town to some where south and better, hopefully. Isn't that taking the baby away from Tim?

She spent christmas with me and my family, she spent christmas eve and night at my place, in which she wanted to have sex, I said no, but we did end up kissing. We went to her place after I got out of the hospital, I spent Christmas eve, day and boxing day in the hospital, but only for 3 hours each night, and she stayed with me. While at her place some one texted me and told me not to go home as my alcoholic sister, whom I live with, was wasted, so Milla offerd me a place to stay. She wsa going out, and wsa getting ready but then She, stratled my lap while in a bath rob and left my pants wet, not from water. She started to make for more than just kissing but I stopped her, and she tried to play it off as an innocent move. She went to the bar with her friends, I drove them in her car as mine was totalled in an accident some one else caused, then I picked her up from the bar. On the drive home she told me about some one we both know, and how he was trying most of the night to put his hands up her skirt. I didn't want to hear it but thigs were good between us so I left it be. Then we got to her place, we watched a movie and she passed out, so I laid her on the hid-a-bed we were sitting on, and covered her made her comfortable, and then kissed her forehead good night and laid down on the other side and slept right beside her. In the morning I woke up at about 10:30am and remembered she had to get our daughter (don't worry I didn't forget her.;)) from a baby sitter's, so I woke her up. We talked joked and kissed then got on with the day. I had told her I was going to leave town for a few days, but really I'd be in town just trying to take time form her and get my head striaght, I was hoping to research some new places to live, move to, and go take a few trips in those weeks. So I calcualted child suport, mind you I should if at all only pay 160, and I calculated at 380. Me and my mouth, I promised Her I'd not leave her and the child high and dry so I'd pay Tim's amount of child support, even though he didn't seem to be able to while making 3000 a month, and I bring in 1500... Go figure that out. (Oh he for the three months I was with Milla, was being daddy still, and agreed to pay child support and to take her on weekends. He would not show up to pick her up and I think in the three months he gave her 300. The first month I knew, I gave her 500, 250 plus winter tires on rims and I changed them over on her car. I had a staph infection then on my leg so it hurt like hell every little move I made. I was in the hospital on the holidays for a new one, very painful stuff.)

She treats me like Tim Treats her... :rolleyes: I spose I could just man up and grow up and get over myself eh? Still, I wonder why is she always so, I love you so much (cry cry), especially when she said I was creepy for crying over our separation when we were only together for three months. I told her,"For me I loved you for two years, and after you told me you were prego I waited to find out what was going on, I got a look at the first ultrasound and that was it. I worked hard to try and find away past my bipolar so if you and the baby needed me, I'd bee there for you and could help. There wasn't a day that didn't pass where I didnt' think of you two... You promised me more children, getting hitched, travelling together, and so much that I desire above all else. You promised me heaven then took it all away. Don't you even realise what you said to me and promissed me. You siad you'd work with me through anything, even my bipolar. You gave up after a few weeks, and didn't really even talk to me nor look into what bipolar is, you didnt' even ask me about it." I felt so foolish, betrayed, hurt, depressed, afraid, lost, angery, confused, and a lot more.

She tells me how I annoy her now, as I tend to talk with an Australian accent. No I'm not from down undar. I also swing our child in my arms and pretend that she is in a fighter jet or an X-wing (Luke sky walker's space ship when he takes out the death star the first time.). I make sound effects and move our child accordingly. She loved it and giggles so much, but my ex is annoyed by it. I also talk with a Yoda voice, gohlm/smeagol, Darth vader, the Emporer, and more. The first time we met was when I was using the accent, for the first month we hung out she couldn't tell that I was Canadian or Australian.
She says that I'm too dramatic for her. I keep having heart to heart talks with her. Yes it's true I do, but given our situation... This is one f__ked situation and every one says so. It's loaded so much with emotion, confution, pain, fear, hope, happiness, joy, fun, laughter, sorrow, and drama; I've have to be an idiot not to try to talk to her and get on a level playing field. She is playing me at the moment as I can not seem to keep myself any where near her. She keeps saying one thing and doing different, or changing her mind every so often. Fickled she says she is, random with out warning changing her mind time and time again.
After the three months we spent together, she told me we had no hope of ever being together. Then she listed off all these things she didn't like about me, it seemed like she was strugling for things to say. It was as if she was just nitpicking every little thing and then putting big importance on them. She seemed to have done that again this time too...
She told me that I give her this annoying look. I just look at her, to be fair its when she tells me something important and I'm trying to show love/support and that I'm listening, and she stares at me for like minutes but I don't get up set that its annoying. I accept that's what she does when she likes something she sees, or at least I try to remind myself that so I don't tell her to stop, or I ask her "what? Why are you looking at me like that?" So my look annoys her, though she tells me she loves it when I look at her like that. I don't get it at all, or then again I think I do but I'm scared of the implications.

I think she may have a personallity disorder. Not sure what though and could use help in figuring it out.

Then again maybe it's her 21 year old mind not sure what it wants.

Sorry it's so long, but I hope some one can help. If nothing else at least I told the story, or part of it... :rolleyes: :p And I still have a sense of humor, though dark and jaded, eh? Thanks.

With all the abuse, toxic relationships, possible mental health issues, and bed hopping going on, all I can think of is none of you are ready to be a parent to that baby.

There is no stable relationship. There is an ex boyfriend who can't/won't even change a diaper. A mixed up mother who didn't even know who the father was when she was pregnant, and you, who keeps turning the other cheek, never saying no, and having an on again, off again, relationship.

Where does the child's needs figure in here? Who among you is able to stand up and be a parent?

At the very least I think you and her should attend counselling, and you should see a lawyer to establish visitation and child support. The lifestyle has to change. The mother has to drop the boyfriends and the drama, and be a mother to the baby.

This whole situation sounds so unstable to me. Almost like somebody is going to explode at any given second. Even considering her ex (at the moment) as some sort of father figure is baffling.

What are the plans for a stable life for this baby.

Jake2008,

Yes, I agree it is all very unstable. You may be right, maybe none of us is ready to be a parent. But as J.D. off scrubs, says, "Are you ever?" YouTube - Scrubs - Jd's Baby - Jose Gonzalez - Heartbeats (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X57KdB0b_qQ)

I know it's not Ideal, but life is what is here and now. Not what was, not what will be, but here and now. I am interested in whether she has a personallity disorder.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I work with people who are fighting, hitting, and hurting one another all the time. My daughter is far better off than many children, but I do know that it could be better, I just don't know how to make it thus, so I will simply try to bethere for both my ex and my daughter as well as live a life of my own.

My ex and I are not going to be together as I can not handle her, and she can not handle me. Though I still have a feeling that we will be... I guess we'll see how we grow in the next few years.

We always try to do what is right for our child.

Visitation and child support are delt with, we agree in person and made a parenting plan. We can not do anything until the Birth cirtificate arives.

Her ex is not such a bad guy, but I do agree as a Boy friend, or father figure, I think he should be arrested for even considering the idea.

Again, any one who may know if she sounds like she has a mood disorder or a personality disorder let me know.

She told me she wants to leave our home town next summer, not sure I can do that. As I need to up grade for a year and a half before I go to school, and I'm not sure the schooling I need is offered where she wants to go. But she wants to talk about it later.

Thanks for listening, reading as it was very long, I am sorry for that. But I've been working on this for years. Thanks again.

I am glad that you are doing what you can about taking care of the baby.

I hope that you get legal support and visitation established as soon as possible. It will help to have a legal separation in place, particularly in light of her wanting to up and move from your home town.

Nobody here that I know of, can diagnose a mood or personality disorder. It is not the place of anyone licenced with less than a Doctorate can take a stab at that. Particularly online, anonymously. It would actually be harmful to suggest that the 'cause' of what you perceive her problems might be, is mental illness, let alone which one. I don't know if you have signed any ethics codes yet, you might want to check into finding out just how innapropriate that question is.

I don't know why you feel the need to keep rescuing her, and accepting her bad behaviour toward you. It may be the 'here and now' as you suggested, but all parties are playing, in my opinion, innapropriate games with each other. Why you enable her to treat you this way, and then turn around and wonder if she has a problem, suggests to me, that you are unable to set any healthy boundaries with her, and that is why I say this is toxic. You and her and the ex keep going around in circles.

I think in all relationships there comes a time where you really have to evaluate who's needs are being met, who's aren't, and what the problems are. You say you are bipolar; is that a self evaluation, or are you seeing a Doctor, getting therapy and medication? You are wondering about her having a mood/personality disorder on top of your own problems. You describe yourself how she treats you, yet you keep coming back for more. I think the 'here and now' is stuck, and time to move along.

If it is possible for you to take a step back, and think critically about your own mental health issues, the continuous unhappiness you experience with her, and the unpredictable nature of her ex; I hope Nestorian, that you continue to do what you can for your baby, but consider counselling for yourself. Maybe you are just in too deep emotionally to really see how your life is affected by these relationships you are entwined in.

It is just my opinion of course, but I can't see how any harm can come from sitting with a professional, and really evaluating the relationship you have with her. When you are in a position of strength, personally, you will have more confidence and insight into how to stop this cycle, and move on with your own life.

In so doing, down the road, you will be happier, independent, and in a much better position to be a stable, loving parent to your child. You will likely never 'fix' the mother, although if she were to write, I would have the same advice to her.

Parenting is going to shake up your world like nothing else, and you will be faced with challenges that will go far beyond your own needs. Think of counselling as an investment in health. The healthier you are, the more success you will have all the way around. It is time to put your needs ahead of hers, because you are the only one who can change you. You cannot change the past, and you cannot change her, but you can live a much healthier life.