I found out my boyfriend is gay about a month ago but I'm emotionally attached, I love him and the way we connected we thought it was destiny. I even asked him to tell me if he was gay based on a comment one of his female friends said to me at a wedding. He denied it of course. However, I've read 2 text messages and 1 email that suggested it. I didn't tell him about my reading his phone. I'm extremely heart broken and angry because he knew he was gay before we started dating. I don't know how to handle my sadness and anger, I want to tell everyone we know including all his family members I know.

Before I end, I think I should mention that before I asked him about being gay, he was always in a bad mood, I couldn't have a conversation with him without his responses being mean spirited and full of sarcasm. Now, he's made a 360 degree turn, very very very nice and attentive to me etc.

And one final mention he's never ever in our 12 month relationship initiated sex with me, its always been me, I walk around the house naked to nearly naked and he never fills me up, or takes advantage of my sexual expressions. Please tell me how do I walk away from my dream guy gone gay?

So you asked him if he's gay and he said no. He's in a relationship with you, a female. You do have sex (a lot of men don't initiate it, doesn't mean they're gay).

You're assuming, that's all you're doing. Why are you listening to what others say instead of what he's saying?

He may be bi, in which case he's at this moment chosen to be in a relationship with a woman.

The one part of your post that really disturbs me is this;


I don't know how to handle my sadness and anger, I want to tell everyone we know including all his family members I know.

So, you'd out him, this man you claim to love? Wow! :(

Did you catch him in bed with another man? No?

So he TOLD you he's gay then, right? No?

Well, those are the ONLY two ways you can "know" someone is gay.

Sounds to me like the problem is that you don't trust what he says to you to be true.

Sounds like the problem is YOU not being trusting and not HIS sexual tendencies.

Oh--and I agree with Altenweg. Outing him because you're angry with him (assuming that he IS gay) is "love" to you?

I don't know. It all sounds a bit out of whack to me.

You're secretly reading his texts. He never initiates sex. He's awful and mean to you until you ask him if he's gay. He's your dream guy and your destiny yet you knew he was gay when you met him. Huh?

I have no idea what's going on, but I suggest that a reality check would be a good start. He may well be gay, but if there are problems in your relationship you're as much part of it as he is.

The first part of your post shows your hurt, anger, and primal feelings to hurt him back, which is just a part of being human.

Second paragraph shows that your "dream guy" wasn't always that dreamy.

Last paragraph shows that, at the very least, there isn't balance concerning sexuality. You aren't being chased and that is hurting you.

So...

Would it be any better if he was "certified" straight? If none of the emails or texts were there... that he was simply not particularly interested sexually? I doubt it. Scour the adult sexuality threads here and you see post after post of people struggling with the same problem... a partner with no drive or not willing to chase... it isn't any easier when the lover is hetero. Neglect is neglect.

You don't reveal what the texts really said... so I'm just not willing to go into this. Different people could read what I write... which often includes sexually charged innuendo... and come to different conclusions. One person could think I'm a funny smartarse (and they are correct) whilst another might think I'm inappropriately trolling while still another might take casual flirting as a directed appeal for escalating the relationship. We tend to see what we are biased to see whether we like it or not. But again... I don't know much about the texts in real detail... just know your conclusions.

Uhm... man... I've been in a different situation where, at the end of the relationship, I wanted to reveal "secrets" about my lover to friends and family... I was angry. Hurt. Don't know... I didn't do it. Didn't feel right.

Would his struggle (if he even has one) be an issue if he was attentive and loving to you? Does kind consideration and respect come only when he acts to please you? I'm guessing the desire to "out him" wouldn't be so strong if he was open and talking to you about this... if it really exists.

It is completely possible to have fantasies that lie outside of ones real... uh... reality. I have fantasies that id never play out for real. I write things sometimes that is on the fringe of my identity.

As you can tell... I'm mixed on the "proof" concerning texts or emails, especially when I don't really have the "proof" in front of me... I have a history with girls and writings. Found out a lover was cheating on me through a personal journal entry in a steno book. Wasn't like it was in her diary. It was in a notebook that was carelessly left in a public place. In this case, the written word was really... uh... real.

A previous relationship ended also with my finding something written in a notebook by a lover concerning sex with another man. The relationship was already struggling and on its last legs... I later found out this was more of a "fantasy journaling"... that the sex she described never really happened, but she agreed that my finding it just probably expedited the inevitable breakup. Point is that what I read wasn't a verbatum record of what was going on.

So... I just can't help you much with the "he knew he was gay" angle. I don't know that he is or isn't. I get that you feel hurt and neglected. I understand how that feeling of neglect gets amplified when you think the other person could have prevented it by being truthful.

Straight. Gay. Bi. Whatever. A bad fit is a bad fit. I've had to walk away from more than one really great love who was great, but not great for me. Some loves are meant for a time, not all time.

If you choose to stay with a man who is a bad match for you, you don't get to complain. Its easy to think "what return do i get on my invested time"... meaning how can you justify the time spent on this love when it ends up "failing"... I'm sorry your heart is hurting and you feel like he is at fault for holding back on you.

Its time to step back hard at the very least. If he isn't willing to talk to you about your need to be chased, then its done.

First, it's not your place to out him. It's his

Second, just because he doesn't feel you up or initiate sex(I'm sure he has a counter to this) makes him gay? If that's true, then my fiancé is a lesbian because I am always without a shirt and I'm in good shape but she doesn't jump my bones.

You really need to let this go, until you get definite proof

Leave him. He doesn't deserve you. You spy on him, threaten to out him, and ask him if he's gay because he's not in the mood when you are. Hugo Chavez doesn't deserve you.