I am somewhat new to the life of dating. I am separated and in the midst of a vicious divorce which is coming to a head soon. My ex husband had several affairs and left me no decision but to divorce since I would no longer be a third party in my marriage. Obviously I am hurting. Not because I still love my husband, but because of the constant rejection, and abandonment I felt and continue to feel as I hear of him and his mistress. I was married for 12 years, which in today's society seems to be a successful marriage. After I kicked him out of the house, I started dating. May have been too soon, but I had been so alone for 5 years, and anxious to give it a try.

I finally met a man 7 months ago. I was not an easy catch. He chased me quite hard, and wanted a relationship. But I didn't want one, because I thought it was too soon and needed to know what I wanted and needed as well as try to figure out who I am. Because he was a doctor of psychology, he psychoanalyzed everything I did and became to know me better than most. And in knowing all of this, still wanted to be with me. He was laid off from his work due to an acquisition. It was during this time that I really started to give in to him. I began to spend everyday with him. This went on for a few months. I started to feel things and stopped dating others. It was just expected that we would be together almost everyday and weekend. It was nice to feel that type of security and he paid me lots of attention. I don't think I have fallen for him, but my feelings are quite fond.

He began a new job a couple of weeks ago, and all of sudden it is as if I no longer exist. I have not heard from him all week and wonder what happened? I know he is extremely stressed with his job and feels he made a mistake taking this job offer. I also know he has workaholic tendencies, but could that really be the reason for no longer calling or texting? His body language is distant, and he seems to be somewhere else when I'm with him. Last weekend I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote him a letter explaining that I needed to walk away because it seemed as though there was no room for me in his life. I then left his home. He called later that afternoon to ask what I meant by that... if he should call anymore or not. We wound up meeting for a glass of wine later in the day and he apologized for his behavior. He told me that he doesn't want to make me feel bad and he wishes he could change that part of himself. But unfortunately it will probably be like this for awhile. I told him the lack of calling and texting was what really got to me. We had a fun and great time together and then I left and have not heard from him since. So I'm left wondering.. did I do something? Is it me? The rejection is very painful. Rejection seems to be the thing I face most these days.. and it has become unbearable.

This behavior has been going on for 2.5 weeks... the exact time that he has been working with this new company. So what is your take on this? Could it be work? I just don't get how he went cold turkey and can't just drop a simple text saying "hi" just to let me know he is thinking of me but really busy??

I am somewhat new to the life of dating. I am separated and in the midst of a vicious divorce which is coming to a head soon. My ex husband had several affairs and left me no decision but to divorce since I would no longer be a third party in my marriage. Obviously I am hurting. Not because I still love my husband, but because of the constant rejection, and abandonment I felt and continue to feel as I hear of him and his mistress. I was married for 12 years, which in today's society seems to be a successful marriage. After I kicked him out of the house, I started dating. May have been too soon, but I had been so alone for 5 years, and anxious to give it a try.

I finally met a man 7 months ago. I was not an easy catch. He chased me quite hard, and wanted a relationship. But I didn't want one, because I thought it was too soon and needed to know what I wanted and needed as well as try to figure out who I am. Because he was a doctor of psychology, he psychoanalyzed everything I did and became to know me better than most. And in knowing all of this, still wanted to be with me. He was laid off from his work due to an acquisition. It was during this time that I really started to give in to him. I began to spend everyday with him. This went on for a few months. I started to feel things and stopped dating others. It was just expected that we would be together almost everyday and weekend. It was nice to feel that type of security and he paid me lots of attention. I don't think I have fallen for him, but my feelings are quite fond.

He began a new job a couple of weeks ago, and all of sudden it is as if I no longer exist. I have not heard from him all week and wonder what happened? I know he is extremely stressed with his job and feels he made a mistake taking this job offer. I also know he has workaholic tendencies, but could that really be the reason for no longer calling or texting? His body language is distant, and he seems to be somewhere else when I'm with him. Last weekend I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote him a letter explaining that I needed to walk away because it seemed as though there was no room for me in his life. I then left his home. He called later that afternoon to ask what I meant by that... if he should call anymore or not. We wound up meeting for a glass of wine later in the day and he apologized for his behavior. He told me that he doesn't want to make me feel bad and he wishes he could change that part of himself. But unfortunately it will probably be like this for awhile. I told him the lack of calling and texting was what really got to me. We had a fun and great time together and then I left and have not heard from him since. So I'm left wondering.. did I do something? Is it me? The rejection is very painful. Rejection seems to be the thing I face most these days.. and it has become unbearable.

This behavior has been going on for 2.5 weeks... the exact time that he has been working with this new company. So what is your take on this? Could it be work? I just don't get how he went cold turkey and can't just drop a simple text saying "hi" just to let me know he is thinking of me but really busy??

How did you meet him; he wasn't your therapist at first was he?

I know I should be the last person probably commenting on anyone's relationship, but let me tell you... MOVE ON! Some people just play those games. Who cares where this guy went? There are seriously other people to date. I know it feels weird because you wonder why. Especially if you consider yourself a good catch. However, if the truth be told, he is not worth your time. Are there other details of the story that were omitted? Did you call or text him chronically? If so, then these are huge turn offs when you are first dating someone. I wish you good luck. But I would not pine over someone that just wants to play the disappearing act game... it is just not worth it!

I wouldn't take this as another 'personal rejection'... You say he tends to take his work, and make it his prioriety. He even stated that it was not likely to change for a time. I would respect the fact he was willing to talk about this with you. Give him some time to adjust.

As for your situation, you sound as though you have been dealing with quite a lot. You still have some loose ends to tie. Also If you have children, they should be your chief concern. Hopefully you have close friends, and or, family that can give some emotional support.

You do understand, that there are many things you need to learn about who you are. Things, that being married, you wouldn't know about yourself. You need some 'single-time'. You must first get to know and love the single you before you can be loved by another.
Hope this helps some.
Rockie100

Well clearly he doesn't have the ability to psychoanalyze his own behavior!

Perhaps he's just one of these people that compartmentalizes their lives - girlfriend in one box, work in the other. Whilst he wasn't working he focused entirely on you, now that he has a job his focus is entirely on the work.

In any case, it isn't a healthy approach - it's certainly not balanced and you were possibly filling a void in his life that his work usually filled.

I suspect that you may not have allowed yourself enough time to heal between leaving your husband and meeting this guy and this is why your feelings of being rejected are so intense. It feels like you're reliving it all again, except this time you're being abandoned for a job.

Why don't you try backing off? You can't second guess his motives but you'll feel stronger and more in control if you decide to let go of this relationship. He doesn't seem inclined to change, so you may be better off seeing this as an interesting 'rebound' experience.

Give yourself some time to be on your own and adjust to enjoying life as a single person for awhile. You'll be better equipped to meet someone that can provide what you need when you eventually decide to explore greener pastures.

He is a workaholic in a new job. Don't take it personally, but don't give him your heart either. He doesn't know what to do with it.

Be glad you learned this before you were MORE emotionally invested.

Thanks everyone for your reply. I hear what you are saying, but it is so hard not to take it personally. This guy was the first guy to ever really express his feelings so much that it made me, a female, feel uncomfortable. We split for a couple of weeks over one period simply because I wouldn't answer his calls or text back or always waiting for something better. As I said, he had to fight hard for me and it took a long time for me to commit. He would tell me how depressed he would get when he woke up in the morning thinking I was no longer a part of his life. He talked about me all the time to his parents. He flew up to meet his family over Thanksgiving and he wasn't lying. They new everything about me and loved me. It is hard for me to understand how he can all of a sudden throw himself all into work and take me out of the picture without me thinking I did something wrong. I guess that is what I'm having the most trouble with... thinking I'm broken, or not a catch, or why date because in a few months you will dump me anyway.

Just because this didn't work out, you did take the risk. I doubt he could be anything but himself, so after putting his best foot forward to get you, he simply reverted to himself.

That's not your fault, no way. That's just how he is, and now that you know, and have learned it takes a while to see a persons true self.

I suspect you will get beyond this with no guilt, and take the valuable lesson forward with you. Give yourself time, and plenty of it, to know if a guy is worthy of your heart.

A painful lesson we all learn.

You didn't answer the question, if he was first your therapist.

There seems to be a great dependence upon this man.

With you having gone through, or are still going through, a vicious divorce, you were vunerable, in my opinion, and there is an imbalance here. He, a professional Psychologist, pursued you.

You finding that he analyzed everything you did, it seems an unhealthy bond to me. You said you had security with him, and paid you a lot of attention. Then he dumped you like a hot potato.

Could it be that this is the way he operates? Find a woman in the midst of a nasty divorce, having been beat up psychologically all the way around because of it, pursue her, create a bond of trust, use her, and then leave her cold?

That would be questionable behaviour in my mind. He's not a very nice human being, let alone someone I would trust.

Did this relationship start as a patient/professional one?

Hi Jake 2008. No he was not my therapist. I met him in a bar.. ha. But it was the way he approached me that got my attention. He walked up to me and bought me a drink and then told me my life story. He said" I assume you are divorced with kids, your husband probably cheated on you and you've already had your first rebound." Boom... ditto. I had a 2 week romance prior to him. Once again left cold. But it's hard for me to see him that way. He too his kind of hurting. He just got out of a ten year relationship with someone 2 years ago. I'm the first person he has been with in a relationship since. He would tell me secret things that no one else would know. He let me in on his thoughts. This guy was obsessed with me.. and now I no longer exist.

I am relieved that he wasn't your therapist. Interesting pick up line though lol

Ok, with that out of the way, I guess it boils down to the guy is a jerk. Either that, or he has someone new, or he's gone back to his ex, or he's just a cold, uncaring selfish person. That still makes him a jerk.

Might be time to focus now on one thing at a time. The major one, the separation and divorce is going to take up a lot of your energy to get done. But, when that is behind you, that might be the time to pursue some really, truly, single fun, without the baggage.

I hope you are going to get through the holidays okay. Have you given any thought as to what you'll do if the good Doctor contacts you again?

Well I know he is not back with the ex. And when I saw him Saturday night, at a bar, he was by himself with some friends and he looked exhausted. So I'm pretty sure it is not another girl. He has been working too much to even think about another person. I know him that much.

But no... I have not thought about what I'm going to do if I should hear from him again. I've thought about just telling him that maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore, because his behavior has been very unfair to me and leaves me questioning myself. But I'm not sure... right now I don't feel I will ever get that chance. I tried taking control by leaving a note last weekend, but then he roped me back in by asking me to meet him for a drink... which at that moment I felt selfish because I could tell he was stressed with work. And then I felt silly. But here it is a week almost, and I have heard nothing. But you are right. The separation and divorce are extremely emotionally draining.

You don't need another wishy washy male in your life, when there are so many good men out there.

I don't know what happens to people when they somehow reach a point of self entitlement. It's all about them, and the people they use, are merely props. No real emotional attachment, and no worries about having to commit to a partnership.

It would be nice to see you just have some R&R, enjoy a box of chocolates, rent some movies, pamper yourself with a manicure, do nice things just for you.

With everything slowing to a crawl now, nothing legally will happen until the new year.

Take time to catch your breath, catch up on some reading, keep busy but don't run yourself ragged.

Let the men in your life flounder for a while, you deserve some you time.

January will come soon enough.

Thank you Jake 2008. I really thought this guy was different. I really didn't get the impression he was using me for some self gain. But I guess there is no other explanation for his behavior. I feel like I have been alone for so long that the thought of just doing that stuff sounds nice, but scary.

Your life has been so empty for so long. Don't waste your time with a guy that doesn't show you the constant love and respect that you want. There are plenty of good men out there. Stop focusing on him and go out and find them. :)

Start focusing on you and heal from your divorce. Take time out and find out what you really want and need in life. Learn how to be happy single.

Hi Jake 2008. No he was not my therapist. I met him in a bar..ha. But it was the way he approached me that got my attention. He walked up to me and bought me a drink and then told me my life story. He said" I assume you are divorced with kids, your husband probably cheated on you and you've already had your first rebound." Boom....ditto. I had a 2 week romance prior to him. Once again left cold. But it's hard for me to see him that way. He too his kind of hurting. He just got out of a ten year relationship with someone 2 years ago. I'm the first person he has been with in a relationship since. He would tell me secret things that no one else would know. he let me in on his thoughts. this guy was obsessed with me..and now i no longer exist.

All of that does sound it a way kind of creepy. He sounds an all or nothing sort of person - one of those people that makes you feel like you're the center of their world, and then 'poof' they disappear and you're left with nothing.

He would, "tell you secret things that no-one else would know" - I don't know, but this leaves me with an odd feeling that I can't quite explain.

Does anyone else feel the same way?

In all honesty, I think our OP was manipulated emotionally. He gave only what he needed, in order to get what he wanted.

What does OP mean? Geez it is just so hard for me to think he manipulated me. You see where I keep going with this? I keep thinking it's me. That maybe I did or said something so wrong that it turned him away from me. Maybe I was acting like a spoiled brat and looked sad that I was no longer getting all of his attention like I use to. Or maybe I'm just not a loveable person. I know it's pathetic. But it just seems that I know him well enough to think he did not manipulate me. But who knows. I never thought my husband would really cheat on me.. I feared it.. but didn't think it would really happen. So maybe he did manipulate me. I just feel beside myself in all this. How he just up'd and disappeared without giving me any explanation. But then again.. whatever he would tell me would probably not be the whole truth, or honest thing.

OP means original post or original poster. That would be you :)

I think it might be helpful to read some of the other posts on relationships. Stop back here, to this post, and let us know what you gained from your search.

Its normal to blame yourself after being betrayed. But it is so unhealthy, and so unjustified. In time, you will realize how little you, or anything you had done, caused your husbands infidelity. You need a grip on this before intering this dating world. It can be rough out here... You want to be able to have fun! Not sit, bitting your nails, wondering why some guy flaked out on you. You want be stronger than that. And you wll become strong in time.

Ok.. I've been reading posts until I'm blue in the face. I feel a little better. But keep having anxiety attacks because this is the first weekend in months that we have not been together. I just can't believe he doesn't miss me and want to be with me after pining away over me for so long. I remember how about a month ago we got in an argument and I was leaving and he begged me to stay and then started to cry. How does one go from that to NC in just a week with no explanation? My friends keep telling me to call or text him for an explanation but I can't make myself do that. The thought of him not responding would throw me over th edge and I may lose control. At least I have control not calling. Even though I wish I could have an explanation. Two months ago I could have cared less if this would have happened... but he became a security blanket for me and I started to overlook his faults. I'm kicking myself for letting my guard down and allowing myself to feel for him.

at least I have control not calling

Stick to that it's a wise decision. Try to be your own security blanket and come up with a plan for the rest of the day-do something nice with friends to take your mind off things.

I am hoping that the confusion might eventually turn this around into a bit of anger. If this had been your best girlfriend, or your aunt or mother, and you had been doing and planning these outings together, then all of a sudden you're dropped from the radar, and discover that there was something/someone more important than you, and they just forgot to tell you.

So you sit, and fret, and worry, and find out it was something as simple as they were simply too busy for you.

I'd be really *issed with that.

I'd also have too much pride to call and say, "what's up with the weird behaviour"

Don't be too hard on yourself. We all get snookered from time to time. It can't be avoided. You may think a person is as solid as Gibralter, and realize in the end, they were merely an ant hill.

I still do get the impression that there was an imbalance here, and it was more of a game, or challenge for him to finally break you down. I think that your bond with him, was as calculated as his bond with you, and most of the steps along the way were self-serving on his part.

Even if he does call, email, text, ignore it. If, (and that is a huge if), he sincerely just got too busy to remember his own name, and you are feeling like you want to meet for coffee eventually, give nothing. Expect that he may very well be setting you up again. Look at him with skepticism, and judge accordingly.

Jake makes very good points-I 'd say avoid him if he tries to make a comeback.

I still do get the impression that there was an imbalance here, and it was more of a game, or challenge for him to finally break you down. I think that your bond with him, was as calculated as his bond with you, and most of the steps along the way were self-serving on his part.

You might hit ME with a wet noodle Jake, but we often ascribe 'motives' to people as away of explaining their behavior.

I'd like to put a different perspective to the OP. Perhaps there is no ulterior motive per se or any calculation - perhaps he's just a complete and total emotional cripple. Someone that was so totally into you while you were in his line of sight, and now that he's got a job he's got a new interest and he's over you.

Just because he's a psychologist doesn't mean he has any more insight into himself than your regular person. In fact he probably has a distorted view of himself and lots of ways to justify his appalling behavior.

I suggest that this is his way of telling you it's over.

It's painful, but it's a blessing. At least it's only been 2 months not 2 years!

I would not be making ANY contact ever again with a person that has behaved in this way. Wipe him out of your life, the way he's deleted you. Visit your friends, make Xmas preparations, keep yourself busy. If he tries to contact you - ignore him completely.

Treat him like a bad dream. Something you analyze briefly, and then would rather forget.

Gemini54.. as I read this I hear a bell going off inside me.. ding, ding, ding. I think that is it. But we were together for 7 months... so I'm still feeling at a loss. I guess now I fear that once I open myself up to someone, once they know they have my full attention... are they going to do the same thing. This hurts like hell... and I'm just at shock that he would end it this way after knowing the pain I went through with my husband. But what you say seems in alignment with what my heart and gut are telling me... he just couldn't have both me and work in his life. There was no room for me. When I saw him last Sunday, he gave me an odd hug before I left. It was longer and harder than ever before. And as I sit and think about it.. I think he was knew he was hugging me one last time. Now I just have to learn how to like me and how not to be scared that this sort of thing will happen whenever I start to feel something for another man... that he will dump me like yesterday's news and leave me questioning myself.

Try to see this as an opportunity to find out who you are and what you need and want from life. As regards future dating, take it nice and slow and really get to know the person,it takes time and maybe realise that a friendship that grows and matures is to be preferred to a short intense courtship that fizzels out when reality kicks in.

Here is an update: last night I went out and saw him. I asked him what was going on. He told me he was waiting to hear from me. He kept reading my letter over and over again on which I told him I was walking away. He assumed that since I hadn't called I was doing just that... walking away. During that time he realized that he doesn't get enough time with me. Bc of my children I can only c him fri night through Sunday afternoon. He asked me what type of relationship is it if he can only be with me 2 days a week. I remember him complaining about this prior. So he told me he still wants me in his life.. tha cares about me. But I told him I couldn't be his friend. I think that would be too painful. So in a nutshell.. bc I was no longer getting his full attention I get emotional and write a note. Then I don't call because I expect him to.. resulting in an end to this relationship. I feel so depressed and almost desperate. I want to call and ask if there is a way to salvage this... that I'm sorry. Can it be salvaged? How can I move forward feeling that I single handed broke us up?

He's the one who 'disappeared' when he got his new job and now he complains about you caring for your children? That's called callously manipulating guilt in my book. This doesn't need salvaging,it needs walking away from. Sorry for being harsh but you can do so much better than this.

Can it be salvaged? How can I move forward feeling that I single handed broke us up?
You have got to be kidding me! How do we go from a guy who has no time to cultivate a healthy adult relationship, to you single handedly destroying everything??

Drop the guilt, and get real will you? You will move on because this was not right, and there will be better. Don't be so dramatic, as you have done right by yourself by not allowing him to push you down his list of priorities.

Here is an update: last night I went out and saw him. I asked him what was going on. He told me he was waiting to hear from me. He kept reading my letter over and over again on which I told him I was walking away. He assumed that since I hadn't called I was doing just that...walking away. During that time he realized that he doesn't get enough time with me. Bc of my children I can only c him fri night thru sunday afternoon. He asked me what type of relationship is it if he can only b with me 2 days a week. I remember him complaining about this prior. So he told me he still wants me in his life..tha cares about me. But I told him I couldn't be his friend. I think that would be too painful. So in a nutshell..bc I was no longer getting his full attention I get emotional and write a note. Then I don't call bc I expect him to..resulting in an end to this relationship. I feel so depressed and almost desperate. I want to call and ask if there is a way to salvage this...that I'm sorry. Can it be salvaged? How can I move forward feeling that I single handed broke us up?

How very neat. He's just hand-balled all the blame and guilt on back to you!

The guy's an expert - I mean really, stand back for a moment and look at this situation - now you're the one that's done the wrong thing?

Hmmm. I go back to my past post - "emotional cripple".

Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't been on. I'm having a hard time dealing with all this. I have been very sad and rehashing the conversation we had the other night. I'm sorry if I'm being repetitive, but I'm having trouble sleeping and turning my mind off. It just doesn't make sense.

He told me that after we stopped communicating for a couple of weeks the "letter" just put things into perspective. He began to look at the BIG PICTURE. Here I am with a family and I have no choice but to only come out a couple of times a week and he is a single guy traveling all over. He said it isn't feasible for us.. so why continue. He said I always said things like "why are we together because we are night and day".. which I did.

He is surprised by the way I am reacting over this because I never seemed to care before. I told him I developed feelings for him and then reminded him of when there was a time that he was sad and depressed over me (that's what he told me on several occassions) because we weren't talking. He then hurt me by saying that he never said stuff like that... that he doesn't talk that way. But I'm pretty sure I'm not crazy. I remember him saying that because it was comments like that that made me start to feel things for him... because he was so open and honest. But now I'm wondering if I imagined it?? How could he say he never said those things? Does he really not remember. That is very painful... because those conversations were meaningful and special. He also told me that we were just providing companionship for each other. What? So that was all I was? What about the way he always acted around me... like he worshipped the ground I walked on.. and I was really nothing? What about when he cried for me to stay? Was that fake? Ugh

As I said before, chances are I will see him because we go to the same places. I went out with a friend of mine and noticed he was sitting a few seats away from me with a couple of his friends. I know he saw me.. but we said nothing to each other. That also hurt. This is the first guy I've been initimate with for 14 yrs other than my husband and we are going to ignore each other? That doesn't settle right. I'm not sure how to act around him. I'm just overwhelmed with the thought that he is so over me when just a month ago.. he "seemed" really into me. I was a priority. I hope that he is an emotional cripple and I just wasn't some meaningless fling.

Sometimes we just have to accept that a person was not who we thought they were. And we have to pick ourselves up and get on with our lives regardless of what someone else did.

Your really finding anything you can to figure out why you broke up aren't you?

Sometimes it just doesn't work out, or go the way we think, that's the risk of dating.

Some parts of the last 7 months you enjoyed, so did he, but things have changed, and you have to adjust, and next time, when your ready, you won't get in so deep so fast, and have a better healthier perspective on getting to know someone well, before you completely give them your heart.

Just so you know, most folks only show their good side, during the chase phase, and it takes a lot of time to see their true nature.