I have done something so terrible and I need to talk to someone about it. I don't know why I did this, and it's not something I normally do. Please don't judge me when you read this, I just need someone to talk to.

It all started a month ago when I started seeing a married man. I had no idea he was married until after I really liked him. Right then I told him we had to stop because I couldn't do it, but he somehow convinced me to anyway.

From the start we had agreed on a no strings attached sex relationship. Just fulfilling each others needs sexually, that's it. The reason he is cheating is because his wife isn't satisfying him in bed and he's bored. He still loves her and has no intention of leaving her. I knew that from the beginning and was okay with that.

But since we do talk about our life and whatnot, I have also become emotionally attached to him. I can't imagine a day without talking to him and this is killing me because I need to stop seeing him. I just can't and I don't even know where to begin.

There's so much more I have to say, if there's anyone out there who doesn't think I'm scum and can help me I will keep sharing. I just don't know who to talk to and I have been hurting so bad.

coffeeluver, do you do anything with him besides from sex?

He is using you, plain and simple.

Get out now before you end up getting really hurt.
I'm not going to scold you for what you are doing but more him, he is cheating on his wife. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you would feel if you found out your husband was sleeping with another woman because you 'weren't good enough'

Sit down and talk to him, tell him that you are not comfortable with what is happening and tell him that he needs to talk to his wife about their sex life. They need to work this out either by themselves or with a marriage counselor.
Him jumping into bed without his wife knowing is a cowardly act and honestly I don't know why you yourself would want to sleep with and be so attached to a man who is capable of that.

Strictly sex. I already talked to him about the issue with his wife. At first I just felt really bad for her and that is why I was having problems seeing him. But now I don't feel bad anymore because I am so used to doing it. It's so terrible the way my feelings have changed in the aspect of not caring about her feelings.

Doing this has changed my perception of a man. I do not feel like I can ever be loved without being cheated on. If this man is cheating on his wife whom he still loves, what hope does it give me for the rest of the men out there?

And besides all that, I am having issues not being able to talk to him when I want. He obviously can't talk when he gets home from work and I'm usually at work during the day. I'm having a hard time working around his schedule at home. How selfish of me, I know. He's not mine, so it shouldn't matter, but I want to be able to talk to him and see him anytime. The fact that he always texts me that he's home or he's spending time with his wife has been starting to bother me.

I know we agreed to just sex, but like I said I have become attached. I thought I could do straight sex, but I can't. And now that I started something with him, I really can't stop...

Dear, don't looose your self-respect with him. Do not let yourself be used by someone who is just treating you like a toy.

Gather yourself! You are no less of a respectable person. Part your way decently on a calm note, and don't contact him ever.

Doing this has changed my perception of a man. I do not feel like I can ever be loved without being cheated on. If this man is cheating on his wife whom he still loves, what hope does it give me for the rest of the men out there??

This is not true! Even the worst of human beings can be loved for just what they are without being cheated on. Not all men are bad.

Having moved away from him, just remove him from your emotional thoughts, But, never hold a grudge. Anger, frustration against him, will only hurt you more and more. So just dust him off your mind, and move on!

I think you need to just go cold-turkey.
Tell him you want out and block his number from your phone

I know that is easier said than done and yeah sure it is going to hurt like hell for a while and you will feel awful but in the long run it is what is best for YOU. This relationship is never going to be more than sex and all you are doing is hurting yourself by getting more and more attached to him.

End it now and move on.

You're very right. I need to just tell him I can't do this anymore. I'm going to have such a hard time dealing though.

I was never supposed to get attached, I don't know why this happened. I simply wanted casual sex, I guess I'm just not cut out for it.

Thanks for your help. I think I knew I needed to end it, I just needed that extra push.

Will you still be on to chat with me when it's over? Just thinking about it, I am getting emotional and I can only imagine the pain I will feel when I won't have him to talk to. I just need someone to lean on until I can carry on my life as I did before I met him.

And thank you again for not judging me.

Some people are quite capable of no-strings attached relationship, others aren't. You are one of those who aren't.

And of coarse we will be here when you need to talk, there are many other members much more qualified than me to talk about relationships, they just usually come online in an hour or so. (I'm in Australia, the bulk of our members are in the USA and Canada)

No matter what the outcome there will always be an open ear here.

you're very right. i need to just tell him i can't do this anymore. I'm going to have such a hard time dealing though.

i was never supposed to get attached, i don't know why this happened. i simply wanted casual sex, i guess i'm just not cut out for it.

thanks for your help. i think i knew i needed to end it, i just needed that extra push.

will you still be on to chat with me when it's over? just thinking about it, i am getting emotional and i can only imagine the pain i will feel when i won't have him to talk to. I just need someone to lean on until i can carry on my life as i did before i met him.

and thank you again for not judging me.

coffeeluver, this thread about No Contact may help as can the other threads about breaking up that are at the top of the Relationship Forum: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/nc-rules-faqs-332732.html.

It may not seem like it right now, but there are a lot men who would never cheat on their mate for any reason. Give yourself time to heal from this 'relationship' and when you are ready you will find one.

Since you are trying to move on, don't kick yourself about getting involved with him. You have learned from this. Just don't forget the lesson of needing to be the only woman in a man's romantic life. More than likely he has been lying to you as much as he lies to his wife. I think you were emotionally involved before you had sex with him and that was probably part of what helped him convince you to help him cheat. Unfortunately, I would almost bet that you aren't the first woman he has played this game with.

Any time you need more advice, to rant, or to talk, just keep adding to this thread.

Good luck.

He's got you hook line and sinker with his lies and deceit. He's lying to you about their relationship because he knows he can have his cake and eat it too. If he was truly not happy, he'd divorce her.

I know from experience. My ex husband told his home wrecker the same thing. Now, I'm not judging you because at least you feel guilty about what is happening. My ex's home wrecker just didn't care.

I hope he does not have children. This could ruin them and give them trust issues when they reach dating age. Again, my two grown son's are products of my ex and his home wrecker.

It won't be too hard to keep no contact. Just think about him in bed with his wife, then coming into your bed whenever you want to talk to him. He's cheating on you too you know.

I wonder what his wife would think if she knew. I bet she's clueless and very happy in their marriage.

Without passing judgement here since BOTH parties were involved here knowing he was married. You knew he was and continued and he obviously didn't let it stop him either.

As was mentioned... you just have to stop and walk away from this cold turkey. Yeah its going to hurt... but not as much as an Irate wife kicking in your door one night carrying a ball bat or worse.

Not easy but something you have to do.

His reasons can be any number... from she is a shrew not putting out at all to he just likes the thrill of a new woman or anything in between. Not justifying or bashing here. Since both parties aren't obviously unattached the best thing to do is walk away and keep that distance. Too many bad things can come of it and very few good ones if you continue with him.

...if there's anyone out there who doesn't think I'm scum...
Well you're wrong about that, he's scum for cheating and using you.

The only solution is to stop talking to him and cut him off completely.

His only goal is to feel powerful, if he really loved his wife and she wasn't satifying him, he'd probably suggest couples counseling or something like that and wouldn't cheat. He goes home to his wife and sees you on the side to stroke his ego that he has two women vying for his attention. He could really care less what you think of him as long as you answer your phone and willingly sleep with him.

Look, in reality it's only been a month. For someone that thought they could 'just do sex', you've gotten attached awfully quickly.

You now know why he wanted a no strings attached relationship, but I'm surprised that you would have agreed to such an arrangement.

Your post speaks of someone that is needy and desperate for love and affection - why would you have thought that this arrangement would provide you with that? Did you hope that the sex would turn into something more? You're, in fact, both using each other. He wants the sex and you want love - but there is no love to be found here.

Tell him it's over and walk away. To stay is to continue a dishonest arrangement that stands to hurt everyone, but you most of all. It's only been a month, and you still have the opportunity to walk away with some degree of decency intact.

His only goal is to feel powerful, if he really loved his wife and she wasn't satifying him, he'd probably suggest couples counseling or something like that and wouldn't cheat. He goes home to his wife and sees you on the side to stroke his ego that he has two women vying for his attention. He could really care less what you think of him as long as you answer your phone and willingly sleep with him.
As a guy speaking you have that all wrong for most guys.

Yeah it's a control trip for a few guys just like it is for a few women.

But not most. Your average guy might do this if the wife is being an incessant nag who ignores his needs and worries only about her own. Yeah there are a lot of women like that too. Can't even begine to guess what his exact reasons are for this and neither can anyone else... including the OP. I doubt he has completely spilled his heart out as to what's wrong at home in that short a time.

Not justifying his actions at all, just pointing it out that its not always the guys fault, as he can be driven to seek companionship outside of the marriage. And yeah.. he very well can do this and care about her... its only about control and subjugation for a very few cases. Most cases would be because they met someone had a connection and let it go too far.

That and an affair takes two parties (its not an affair if you are alone)... he is wrong doing it outside of the marriage, but the OP knew this and pursued him as well. Neither party has the moral high ground here.

But as has been said... sometimes you just have to turn and walk away from something... this is one of those times.

As a guy speaking you have that all wrong for most guys... I doubt he has completely spilled his heart out as to whats wrong at home in that short a time.
I am a guy and I wasn't speaking about most guys, I was referring to the OP's love interest. And he probably didn't tell her everything that's going on at home, but you're speculating just as I am.



Not justifying his actions at all, just pointing it out that its not always the guys fault, as he can be driven to seek companionship outside of the marriage.
By saying it's not always the cheater's fault, you are trying to justify this guy's cheating. He made the choice to cheat, it's on him completely. There are a lot of other roads he could've taken, like, as I mentioned earlier, counciling.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, because even good people can make bad choices, but the husbands who make the conscious decision to cheat and try to deflect all responsibility for it (by saying their nagging wife drove them to do it) are just plain sh*t.


That and an affair takes two parties (its not an affair if you are alone).....he is wrong doing it outside of the marriage, but the OP knew this and pursued him as well. Neither party has the moral high ground here.
Had you any sense of empathy you would realize being emotionally involved with someone, even if it's wrong, makes breaking up very hard. I don't blame her for what she's done, this jerk-off played his hand real slick, he waited until she started to fall for him and then put on the brakes by telling her he's married so he wouldn't have to commit to her; he has her just where he wants her.

I have actually been talking to him for 2 months and we started sleeping together for a little over a month now.. But you're right, that's still a quick attachment. I never get attached to men so I never expected to with this one either.

But I tried to tell him today that I couldn't do it anymore. It was very difficult and it didn't go the way I wanted. I just didn't have the guts to tell him that I was emotionally attached. So I blamed it on sex and told him I was physically attached.

I know that was the wrong thing to say, but I think a part of me doesn't want to stop seeing him. He asked me what I wanted to do and I told him that the only thing I could think of to fix the problem was to not see him anymore.

He said he understood and if that is what I wanted then that was what would be done. He said he would be disappointed because we had so much fun together, but that was okay with him.

We had planned to see each other tomorrow for a week so he asked if we could see each other one last time. I told him I had to think about it, but I didn't think I could do it.

He is really good with words though and got me to agree on seeing him tomorrow... Not to mention the fact that I also somehow agreed to keep seeing him...

I feel really stupid right now because reading what I just did is obviously not the smartest move on my part. I know in my head what I need to do, so why can't I just do it?!

Do you have his cell phone number?

If it were me in your situation I would send him a text message, just say something along the lines of: "Sorry I can't do this any more, every time I try to break it off you seem to convince me to keep going. I am blocking your number from my phone please do not try to contact me again"

It's the only way it's going to happen if he has such a way with words. Tell him it's over and Don't allow him to reply, put his number on block immediately after you send the message.

Just remember we are here for support when you need it.

Go to the Relationship forum and read the stickies at the top of the main page. They will give you a lot of good advice. Pay special attention to going No Contact.

No Contact is breaking off ALL communication with the other party. It gives you a chance to move on and heal without influence from the other person.

You have told him you don't want to see him again. It doesn't matter what reason you gave him (You could have told him you were moving to Mars and the commute would be too much). What does matter is that you have decided to move on to a less self-conflicting way of life.

This is one time I recommend disappearing from someone's life. Block his calls. Do not accept email. Don't look at MySpace or Facebook. Do not read his texts. Lose his phone number. Try to remove as much temptation as you can.

Don't give him a chance to say anything other than one 'good bye'. No other words are needed. You have given all the explanation you need to. You're not his wife so you don't have an obligation to try to work things out with him.

Good luck.

I have actually been talking to him for 2 months and we started sleeping together for a little over a month now.. But you're right, that's still a quick attachment. I never get attached to men so I never expected to with this one either.

But I tried to tell him today that I couldn't do it anymore. it was very difficult and it didn't go the way I wanted. I just didn't have the guts to tell him that I was emotionally attached. So I blamed it on sex and told him I was physically attached.

I know that was the wrong thing to say, but I think a part of me doesn't want to stop seeing him. He asked me what i wanted to do and I told him that the only thing I could think of to fix the problem was to not see him anymore.

He said he understood and if that is what I wanted then that was what would be done. He said he would be disappointed because we had so much fun together, but that was okay with him.

We had planned to see each other tomorrow for a week so he asked if we could see each other one last time. I told him I had to think about it, but I didn't think I could do it.

He is really good with words though and got me to agree on seeing him tomorrow... Not to mention the fact that I also somehow agreed to keep seeing him...

I feel really stupid right now because reading what I just did is obviously not the smartest move on my part. I know in my head what I need to do, so why can't I just do it?!?

Can't you see he's schmoozing you? You feel flattered because he can persuade you to stay, in fact you're really looking for the excuse.. . Shazza and Cat have given you great advice. You only have yourself to blame if you don't take it.

As much as I have tried to follow all of your advice, I just can't do it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am such a disappointment and I have let myself down. I really appreciate the help from you all, and I apologize for not listening. It's so much easier said than done though..

It's only as difficult as you allow yourself to make it.

As much as I have tried to follow all of your advice, I just can't do it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am such a disappointment and I have let myself down. I really appreciate the help from you all, and I apologize for not listening. It's so much easier said than done though..

What's wrong with you is that you have convinced yourself that you love this man.

It isn't going to be easy. It will be painful. You will have weak moments. However, you make a decision to stop being used as hot body to satisfy his needs when his wife isn't available or he wants a change. Once you make that decision and point yourself in the correct direction, don't look back and DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT with him. If you feel the need to contact him, come here instead. Delete his phone number, block his calls/emails, hang up on him, delete texts unread, most of all GIVE YOURSELF A FIGHTING CHANCE and more than a couple of days.

For right now, take it one hour at a time if you have to.

Get involved in things that help take up your time and keep you from being available or thinking about him. Surround yourself with friends and family. Make new friends. Start doing something for yourself that you have wanted to do but haven't made the time for. Don't spend more energy on this person. He isn't worth the paper for a Dear John letter or that his marriage certificate is printed on.

You can change and you are listening. Time to put the advice to work.

I have read all the posts coffeelover,and the one thing that no one said was, if its not you,it will be someone else...

You're a warm and willing vagina to him,that's all,and he will replace you quick as you like...

He does not love you,he dose not want a future or children with you,he wants nothing from you going to get his rocks off...

That's pretty demeaning, don't you deserve more then that?

Don't you deserve to make plans and fall in love with someone who wants you?

How long are you going to continue to do this? 5 years 10 years,I doubt he will hang around that long,you will be traded in for a newer model!

There's a saying where I'm from its called 'cop on' it means get a grip of yourself and look at what's going on around you..

If you need back up in real time,how about confiding in a friend or family member,they can support.

Don't waste your time or your youth or your love any more...

Walk away.

I am a guy and I wasn't speaking about most guys, I was referring to the OP's love interest. And he probably didn't tell her everything that's going on at home, but you're speculating just as I am.


By saying it's not always the cheater's fault, you are trying to justify this guy's cheating. He made the choice to cheat, it's on him completely. There are a lot of other roads he could've taken, like, as I mentioned earlier, counciling.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, because even good people can make bad choices, but the husbands who make the conscious decision to cheat and try to deflect all responsibility for it (by saying their nagging wife drove them to do it) are just plain sh*t.

Had you any sense of empathy you would realize being emotionally involved with someone, even if it's wrong, makes breaking up very hard. I don't blame her for what she's done, this jerk-off played his hand real slick, he waited until she started to fall for him and then put on the brakes by telling her he's married so he wouldn't have to commit to her; he has her just where he wants her.

Empathy is over rated... feeling someone's pain does nothing towards helping them or the situation. Objective understanding is needed, not empathy wich is purely subjective.

Facts are facts... dancing around them does nobody any good.

Anyone , man or woman who is a big enough PITA to their spouse risks driving that spouse to another.

There are usually 2 people with a share of responsibility for problems. Its rarely 100% the fault of just one. Thus it isn't fair to dump 100% of the blame on one.

Now people who are in a bad situation and refuse to see things for what they are and take advice that it might be time to leave have to assume responsibility for staying in that situation. They after all made the choise and nobody is locking them in the house and chaining them to the floor.

Yeah, we are all speculating. We aren't there. And we are always only hearing one side of the story. Which by its nature is skewed to that persons viewpoint. And rarely objective.

Not intended to belittle anyone here much less the OP. Just wanting to put a little perspective into it.

If someone by pure bad luck stumbles on to a true player... then they need to run from that situation. Players never change overnight.

Usually I rail on people who don't read through a thread to see how its developed, who simply read the original post and spew out an answer without doing the work needed to really understand the problem in detail.

Today I'm one of those people who don't read through. My feelings on this are strong enough I know its not going to be swayed one way or another.

I'm in the middle of a divorce. A fairly amicable one all things considered. We care for each other, love each other, want all involved to have a happy life.

Her circumstances were a bit different. She is married, her lover was married. She knew this on the front side of the relationship... but that doesn't change things for me. The "i was tricked" angle doesn't buy leverage.

This is where things are in this relationship... my wife had an affair that lasted several years. It wasn't her intent. But there it is. It "happened"... one day at a time.

Her lover, in the end, left her. He stayed with his wife. Chose his kids over her. Never did right by her... not that she was a victim.

So... you can emotionally be attached to a person who isn't good for you. It happens. A lot.

You don't get a complete pardon. He wasn't honest. Not your fault. You haven't walked away. Your fault.

You signed up and posted here because it's a struggle for you... you want to change things... you know this isn't what you want.

Well... my personal experience tells me to tell you to walk away, be hurt and angry. My love described her lover as the "bottle she couldnt put down"... now, after almost ten years married, she has lost so much. Most of her friends, many of her family, her marriage, etc... and she's going to be mourning the loss of this Love of her Life and the loss of her marriage for a long time. Not a good place to be.

Sorry you are in this place. Sorry you are hurting. You don't get to stay and complain. What you do with your time on earth is up to you. I won't judge what is right or wrong for you... its your life... I've just seen variations of this scenario end in real heartbreak... sometimes quickly or sometimes after years have been invested... you have to believe in whatever you do next... fundamentally feel it in your heart and then own it.

I have also loved a married man, and this was one of the BIGGEST mistakes I have EVER made.

You are hanging on to something that you believe that you cannot do without. I know how that feels, but you are WRONG.

If you look at the reality of your relationship with him it is not what you want. It is draining you. It is eroding yourself confidence and dignity. You are viewing it with rose coloured spectacles right now.

Once you cut off all contact as you have been advised by the other members to do, you will feel a great release. With time you will grow back your selfrespect and dignity and peace with yourself. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS TOO... I UNDERSTAND. Just do it... as soon as possible. Short and sharp. Rip that dirty bandage off! (fast not slowly, it hurts more)

HE has no respect for you,and the way that he is treating his wife shows that he has little respect for women full stop. He will never offer you the things you want or the life that you want.

The thing that helped me previously was imagining his poor wife and putting myself in her situation (Who would want to be with a man like that right?). Also, he is putting his wife at risk ofSTI's/diseases without her knowledge (respect drops even lower,to unmeasurable evels). He is perhapseven playing mind games with you(especially if he knows how you feel about him).

At the end of the day, even if YOUR 'dream' came trueand he left his wife to start a life with you, do you think this would be a good thing? NO! You would feel bad. The relationship with him would not even be likely to work (check out internet statistics). You will be labelled a home wrecker by others, and ehat will you have at the end of the day?: A piece of *&%$t man not even worth the weight of the letters that spell his name.

You can do better. I don't judge you at all, but do the right thing. You will feel better for it within days. Next time, choose someone who is unattached (be sure of this, I have been lied to before) and who DESERVES your love.

Good luck

MARRIED MEN ARE OFF LIMITS REGARDLESS OF WHAT FEELINGS EITHER PERSON HAS.

By the way, I didn't mean to make it sound like all men are bad, and all women deserving of their love. It goes both ways. I was just speaking from the point of view of my sex (female) and the OP's sex.

JUST THE SAME THING CAN HAPPEN WITH THE SEX's REVERSED AND IT I WOULD VIEW IT IN THE SAME NEGATIVE WAY.

Acceptance Coffeeluver,

If you accept your own words to him, great. But I don't suspect you do. i.e. : "I know in my head what I need to do, so why can't I just do it?!?" What I would love you to chant in your mind is that 'having sex with my married lover is demeaning, and I deserve better." Then continually go to, "I deserve better". If we were there, we would try to wake you up to the fact that YOU DESERVE BETTER. You are being deceived by the selfish interests of this married man by getting you to believe that he's interested in the person you are. I believe that he's actually only interested in keeping his own unamusing life interesting by keeping you as a game on the side of his married life.

Believe me, you are not 'dissappointing' us. Keep your own personal values alive and don't let them be swayed by your selfish lover. Why you 'can't do it' is because you think it will be harder without him than with him. You will be MUCH better without him as you won't put your life on hold waiting for his response on when the next meeting may (or may not) take place... you will let him know you aren't a game that he plays at his will or amusement... you are worth the full attention of a real lover... and if you don't believe me - just imagine his life with his wife when you are not playing with him or his text games. He'll lose a lot of steps on the totem pole... if it has taken him this long to realize his position with you - you are worth more than that kind of rational thinker.

I apologize, I didn't mean to ramble that long... I just want you to realize that you are worth the loving attention of another partner, so much more than the attention you've received from this one! My best.

The reason he is cheating is because his wife isn't satisfying him in bed and he's bored.

That is the most common reason used for cheating, and almost always a lie. Cheating is about control and having the forbidden. He gets a thrill out of going behind his wife's back and lying to her. He also enjoys knowing that he has you on a string that he can tug whenever he wants to.

My guess, is that he comes to you either right after or right before he has sex with his wife, because it turns him on to know that he can lie to two women and have them both believe him. He knows you're becoming emotionally involved, and that just excites him more. If he never planned on it being more than sex, he never would've talked to you beyond planning booty calls.

He's using you and deceiving you just as much as he is his wife. Possibly more so, because she probably doesn't have all the facts. You know what's in his hand and you're STILL buying into his bluff.

If you don't break this off now, you're just going to ruin 3 peoples' lives. You will have to live with the knowledge and stigma of being a homewrecker. He will have to live with the fact that he broke his wife's heart and ruined their marriage. She will have to live with the fact that her world was shattered by a cheating husband and a woman who apparently didn't think there was anything wrong with sleeping with a married man.

that is the most common reason used for cheating, and almost always a lie. cheating is about control and having the forbidden. he gets a thrill out of going behind his wife's back and lying to her. he also enjoys knowing that he has you on a string that he can tug whenever he wants to.

my guess, is that he comes to you either right after or right before he has sex with his wife, because it turns him on to know that he can lie to two women and have them both believe him. he knows you're becoming emotionally involved, and that just excites him more. if he never planned on it being more than sex, he never would've talked to you beyond planning booty calls.

he's using you and deceiving you just as much as he is his wife. possibly more so, because she probably doesn't have all the facts. you know what's in his hand and you're STILL buying into his bluff.


Its not always a lie... trust me... I dated a few that actually were that boring... and worse (I had the common sense to get away from them). I don't doubt there are guys like that as well.

But it IS likely new partner excitement at play. It takes a lot of work on the part of BOTH people to keep it fresh and exciting. There is a LOT more to it than just going with the flow. If both aren't pro-active it will get dull after enough time.

None of us really knows what happens in his house or not. We only know what she tells up about what he told her... thats already passed through enough people that nobody can be sure what really is happening in that household. It might be as bad as he says or worse... and conversely what he told her might be a complete lie, or anything in between.

But the fact remains she knows he's married and as long as she remains she shares an equal part of the blame for the situation.

What she needs to do is simply walk away... deal with the pain like an adult. Yeah its going to hurt for a while... but who here hasn't dealt with that at least several times. Want real pain? Lose a parent or child. Walking away from this situation will be easy in comparison.

I'm just wondering how you're doing. I, like you, have been the 'other woman'. And I, like you, thought that I could just have 'sex' without getting hung up emotionally. You and I just aren't cut out for it. I have even tried with guys that really are single, but it doesn't work. I have to have the emotional connection, and I think that if I wasn't having sex with the guys I've tried having a 'benefits' kind of deal with, I probably wouldn't have any kind of emotional connection with them either. But the physical act of sex, at least for me, creates an emotional connection. Hopefully you are a single girl without kids because your options are more plentiful. I am a single mom with two kids and a full-time job. It's impossible for me to find ANYONE much less someone to have an actual relationship with. You will find someone though.

I liked the other person's advice though about whenever you feel yourself start to lose your resolve, think about how crappy you felt every time he chose his wife over you, how he probably had sex with the two of you in the same day, maybe didn't even wash himself in between? Sorry for being graphic, but you got to do what you got to do.

I'm also guessing that you're like me and don't have a whole lot of friends around. This is something else that will help. Put yourself out there more as far as getting more friends. Keeping yourself busy will help keep him off your mind.

Good luck, it's been a little while since your last post, so I hope it's going well.

I know its been a while since I've posted on here. I have been really busy with the holidays and what not.

So anyway, it has been a little over a week since I have seen him and I'm not going too crazy. I don't think I can do cold turkey but I can do a slower process.

The way he has treated me has definitely changed since we first met. He used to go out of his way to see me or talk to me and now I noticed it is more out of convenience. He doesn't go out of his way for me at all.

So when I saw him last week I couldn't stop thinking about this. I started to feel used and even though we are both using each other, it still hurt. The sex wasn't nearly as good as it usually is and I think my thoughts of him had to do with it.

I sometimes read back the texts or emails he had sent me and feel somewhat annoyed of him. Like the way he tries to make a joke or make me feel special now just seems fake and repetitive.

I'm not sure if it has anything to do with our last conversation of how I'm starting to get attached or if he has also been busy, but we haven't really talked much. And the only time he made an attempt to contact me was to see when the next time we were going to get together. I really enjoyed him as a person and the way we used to connect so much. Now our conversations are cut short and it simply seems to be just sex. Like I said earlier, I just feel so used this way and I guess I can't have just sex.

I think I have become attached not because of sex but because of these other connections we had. Now that we haven't talked as much I don't feel so connected with him and my feelings for him have changed slightly. I still can't stop seeing him, but I am going to try and see him fewer times until I can finally keep him out of my life.

Well coffeeluver I was delighted to read your post, not because you feel bad, but because your starting to see the real man,and your starting to see the relationship for what it is... for your sake,I hope it continues and you find the strength to walk away.

damnit... had to "spread the rep." you are cute as sin and right as rain, redhed35.


well coffeeluver i was delighted to read your post, not because you feel bad, but because your starting to see the real man,and your starting to see the relationship for what it is...for your sake,i hope it continues and you find the strenght to walk away.

To the OP'er... glad you are taking some steps in the right direction.

Until he is all in, he isn't.

My wife (soon to be ex) has lost so much from holding on to a man who was never really hers... sorry you are in this place. Glad you are at least stepping back.

My only caution is about the gradually stepping back part. I know someone who has been doing this for over ten years... and in the meantime she is really unavailable to other healthy relationships.

My advice is to go cold turkey and start healing from a relationship you should never have gone for.

I agree, anything LESS than cold turkey will just prolong the pain, prolong the misery, and prolong any chance you have of moving forward in your life.

As long as you are clinging to the past... you won't be able to see or be fully available to the right single guy if you do run into him.

Some things you just HAVE to do cold turkey.

Cold turkey sounds horrible, and it is (only for a short while), but it certainly is the best way to do this. Hanging on to this man, especially how you are feeling in your last post, will only cause emotional turmoil in your head, suffering and prolonged pain.

Why don't you try writing a list or thinking about all the positive things he gives you and all the negative things..? (this has helped me before) You could even write it diwn for us to see in your next post if you felt comfortable, if it helps you...

You should never never ever have to feel 'used' in a sexual relationhip. You have the power to say no if the sex makes you feel used.

Another thing that is important for letting go is to delete ALL his text messages.

Smoothy is absolutely right when he says that you will never be available to meet the right guy while you are still with this man.

This man you are with at the moment is sucking you dry and is preventing you from living your youth (I don't know your age,but it doesn't really matter!we saty younger for much longer these days!). He has trapped you, and yet what does he give you back for it??

I am also proud of you, because it is very brave/and hard to look at the reality clearly. And this is what you are starting to do.

It is an old saying... but you definitely deserve better :-)

I see what you all mean by gradually moving on not working. After not hearing from him for almost 2 weeks, I finally heard from him. All my negative thoughts about him disappeared when I heard his voice. It's like I forgot everything hurtful that he's done and I focused on how he makes me happy.

I feel like gradually moving on is just going to be a never ending cycle; I am finally ready to move on, then I hear from him and I'm back to square one.

I'm not ready for cold turkey and no matter how many times I am told to do it, I just can't. Is there any other suggestions besides cold turkey that you have heard of or that have worked well in the past?

The simple answer to that is:NO.

I'm going to through this on the table and see what everyone including coffelover thinks...

That the op dates other men.

No sex no relationship,just your regular dinner or cinema date.

If this guy is all she can see,how about looking,and I mean looking at other guys and how they treat her...

The problem I see with this is the op forming an attachment..

I do agree that cold turkey is the best option and then a period of healing,but,the op is not likely to do that from reading her posts.

I'm just trying to explore another avenue.

I see what you all mean by gradually moving on not working. After not hearing from him for almost 2 weeks, I finally heard from him. All my negative thoughts about him disappeared when I heard his voice. It's like I forgot everything hurtful that he's done and I focused on how he makes me happy.

I feel like gradually moving on is just going to be a never ending cycle; I am finally ready to move on, then I hear from him and I'm back to square one.

I'm not ready for cold turkey and no matter how many times I am told to do it, I just can't. Is there any other suggestions besides cold turkey that you have heard of or that have worked well in the past??
There is NO other alternative... you HAVE to go cold turkey or all you are doing is blowing smoke.

I feel like gradually moving on is just going to be a never ending cycle; I am finally ready to move on, then I hear from him and I'm back to square one.

This is where No Contact comes in. You don't allow him to contact you. You stop giving him permission to use you, your mind, your emotions and YOUR BODY. You delete all forms of contact information that you have for him. You block his phone number, texts, and email. You hang up if he calls from a number you don't know. You delete texts unread. You don't give him a chance to undermine YOUR HEALING.

You set yourself up to move on and heal. You rebuild your self-esteem and respect hour by hour. You do what it takes to make you feel good about you. You redirect the energy that you have put into him into yourself and YOUR LIFE. He should have no place in your life because you have no place in his life.

It isn't going to be easy. It is going to be difficult. It is going to be an hour by hour, day by day struggle until your emotions accept what your brain is telling them.

Think about the consequences of keeping in touch with him. Of when he gets bored and decides you aren't exciting in bed anymore. Of if the worst happens and you end up pregnant. (Birth control is not 100% effective)

So it's been a really long time since the last time I've been on here. I just wanted to update you all on my situation. Unfortunately, I am still getting together with him, but I am finally over it. I snooped around and found out that he lied to me about a few things, but that still didn't keep me away from him.

We haven't been as close as we were when we first met and have been distant. He stopped treating me the way he used to when we first met and stopped going out of his way for me. Not saying he should give me all the time in the world, but this is when I realized how we are we both living in our own worlds and really shouldn't be together.

I know it is crazy that it has taken me this long to realize everything, but I just think enough is enough. At first I told him that we should take a break because the thought of never seeing him again broke my heart. Once I told him this, he obviously tried to suck me back into his little trap like always and said that we can make it work. So I believed him and for a week, he went out of his way, treating me the way he did when we first met.

Of course, the BS has to end eventually, and it happened way sooner than later. The week after he treats me like a princess, he goes back to his real self, not really caring for me at all.

So we've been texting and I asked him how this time is any different than last time. He knows how I feel and I'm sure he knows that I am going to take a real break from him this time. The only thing is I don't want to take a break, I don't want to have anything to do with him again.

I'm waiting until I hear back from him, (if I ever do), to tell him the news. I feel like I have to be the one to start the conversations now, and he doesn't really care to talk to me.

For a while, we were hooking up only once a month. I just don't understand why he would cheat on his wife just to sleep with me once a month. I wouldn't be surprised if he was sleeping with another woman. But anyway his response was that it was worth it to him because I was more adventurous than his wife. That response really didn't make me feel any better, and I still feel like there's another reason..

I just feel like such an idiot. Looking back at everything I have done, I just can't believe it. It's not like me at all. I know it's not his fault for not wanting to give me the time of day considering the fact that he does have a family. I think that I was just hoping that he would and I just realized how I'm not important to him.

I don't want to say that I regret doing any of this, because it has definitely taught me a lesson and I learned so much from this. I'm just not feeling good about it. I just need some kind of comfort while I go through this. I know it's not easy writing back to me, knowing all of the awful things I've done to his family, but I really appreciate any response.

Thanks for listening.

Why wait for this jerk to get back to you?

Go NC right away,change your number and never speak to him again.

You have the power... You have control over the situation... I agree with Amicon. You should not let him dictate your life.
Either tell him it is over and never make contact or accept contact with him again or Just change your number, cut off all contact,and ignore him without giving him any reason (He has never treated you with any respect, so why exactly does he even deserve your patience, understanding or explanation?). Ignoring someone is the ultimate form of disempowerment for them.

Delete your text messages, emails etc so you have NOTHING to hold onto with respect to your past relations. Otherwise it will just cloud your judgment and make it harder for you to move on.

Gosh I sound like a real man-hater (didnt mean to). I just think that respect earns respect and this person who happens to be a man, has earned nothing of the OP's respect.

BE strong. You sound like you have realised the truth and are slowly trying to accept reality. Sometimes logic serves us better than our emotions, and I think this situation fits the bill.

With time you will realise that you are and were only ever holding onto an empty shell of a relationship with this man.You will I am sure, one day meet someone who treats you with love and respect, and it is then that you will truly understand what a farce this relationship was in the first place.

That man will never be happy, because he does not know how to treat people with respect, and will never receive all of the positivity (love, trust, honesty, openess) that he could receive from people close to him, were he to do so. And he will likely never learn this until it is too late. Don't FORGET THAT. Treating people like *h&t only brings negativity into one's life, self and being.

So... what are you waiting for... To get pregnant? Make it even harder to move on... or do you not think of yourself as worthy of someone better.

I sent him an email. We're finally done. But why do I feel like I did something wrong by ending it?

Because now you have ended something which,however wrong it was,meant something to you.

You did the right thing.

Start healing and start living your own life again.

Read the stickies at the top of the relationship page for more advice on how to handle this.

Every end of a relationship regardless of how functional is was, is hard.

This is a hard time for you but hang in there...

I PROMISE YOU WILL FEEL BETTER WITH TIME...

Whenever you find yourself daydreaming about him or the "good times" just shut it off, take a reality check and think about the times he made you fell bad, feel small, feel worthless, feel unappreciated...

DO NOT accept acontact from him or make contact with him again (chances are he will try his luck). He will not like having no control ofver you (remember that YOU have the control)

Talk to us on helpme... there is always support here from people who have been through similar things. (I have)

Hang out with your friends again and reconnect with peopl eyou haven't seen in a while and your family? You may not realise this yet, but having an affair with a married person is a very isolating and lonely experience. Get back to the good life, YOUR life again, where you don't have to give your time and energy and resources to people who don't appreciate you. ANYMORE!

You have taken a very positive step.

ANd learn from your mistake... MARRIED = OFFBOUNDS. It never made anyone happy to have an affair in the end, even though the beginning seemed so right and exciting.

Remember to take care of yourself... Remember that you should never let anyone make you feel the way he has made you feel... Try and think of anything that turned you off, annoyed you, etc about him (it helps). You have shown that you respect and value yourself by ending this relationship. Even if he left his wife for you, things still wouldn't turn out (most likely). It always was going to be a fruitless relationship with much heartache for you (and why would you want to spend your life with a man who has thinks its OK to treat his wife this way?? )

Good luck and rememember to stay strong in your conviction.

I sent him an email. We're finally done. But why do I feel like I did something wrong by ending it?

It ALWAYS feels like that when you end any relationship that has lasted more than a few weeks.

Consider it an important life lesson. By getting OUT of a bad situation... you are now available to get into a BETTER situation. And you have the benefit of experience to guide you into what is "better".

It takes a few "bad" experiences to really be able to recognise what a "good" one is.