Hey. I don't know why I'm doing this just like, I wanted to see if anyone has this sort of situation. I guess its rare.

Basically this could be a long long thing so be warned.

I'm just 20 years old and I've grown a liking to this girl. However she lives in America.
I've been talking to her for 4 years. She is 22.
Bare in mind this is one of those Long Distance Relationships. For I am from England.
Really for all my time I've been chatting with her. She has been going on and off because at the time when I first met her she had a boyfriend. I knew about this. I had a girlfriend too. However my girlfriend was getting mad at me for me talking to this American girl.
Anyway that was 4 years ago.
However her boyfriend was like banning her from talking to me. So I had no contact from her for months and maybe more.
She always told me she loves me. She could never changed her feelings towards me. We been talking about, you know what if we meet. That would be great. So years have carried on we been talking on and off because she basically was too scared to leave him. Partly because she hates being alone. Until one day they actually called it off. I was like sweet. Now maybe things can go my way. Last year, I sent her a hand written letter. Just saying like saying how much I'm missing her. She came back and sent me an Email, saying "we can make this work, I really do want this to happen" and all other lovey dovey stuff
Getting to the point where she had to go for something.. I really can't remember what happened between the day she sent me this letter. However 4 months passed.
We talked and talked everyday this year on Skype for hours and hours. Actually saying we're going to meet this year. So on November the 1st. I ordered my tickets. I sent her the email saying I ordered the tickets. She sounded so happy really really happy. She was like omg this is going to happen now.
Oh I also forgot about she also sent a letter on August 25th sounding like she really into me. Really excited about us planning on seeing us.
Anyway.
Couple weeks ago she told me something. Saying she been working with this guy. They been talking for "3 months" However they both been working there for 3 years. Like all of a sudden now she talking. Anyway. I wasn't like at all mad like because I had these tickets and she knew that we were going to meet.
She told me last week she has grown to liking this person. My first feelings was like... I mean seriously. She said that this has been going on for 2-3 weeks. Nothing physical happen between them. So she says.
Maybe it was just a phase. She said she can't love him or whatever partly because she was going to see me.
However days kept going by. We carried on talking. But couple nights ago she said to me "I just don't feel the same way"
I mean like is it really possible for someone to change their feelings like that?
Also when we were talking. She was hardly going out because she basically lost most of her friends except one friend. She started hanging out with work people. I thought its only work people. She began texting guy a lot. All she says all they talked about was "Videogames/work/his girlfriend" Because he was in a relationship at the time. Still is I think?
Anyway.
Couple nights ago. She told me "If you're planning on going out there to change my mind and be like I do love you and I want this to happen, I highly doubt that will happen."
How does she know that though? How can she tell that will happen. Is she scared?
This ticket isn't refundable. If it was refundable. I would've been like OK screw this then. It's the fact its not refundable. There's a part of me that's telling me to go. There is also another part of me that saying "You're just going to waste more time."
Take a chance?
However this ticket is a 2 month trip. If it was 2 weeks. Sure I would go and stay in a hotel. Saying "If you want to see me. I'm in America now. at this location blah blah...."
If I don't go. I'm going to sit and think now and then for rest of my life all like "What if" All that stuff.
Also the problem with her. When things start to get too real for her. She bails out. She just gives up.
I just don't know what to do. She just going on about what she wants in life. Well doesn't know what she wants.
I'm glad this happened now and not when I was there. I just this whole thing would never happen.
I haven't spoken to her in 3 days? Or so?
It just annoys me so much. I just wasted £400 on a ticket. She doesn't care what she has done to me. I worried in like 2 weeks or when its really soon for the day we would meet. She going to come back all "I'm sorry. I don't know what I've done"
Or even in 2 months time. When I could've been there right now. Well then.
I honestly still want to see her. Just sigh...
I know like if I continue. I'll get hurt more. I hoping ( I hate the word hope ) she realizes what she has done.
I think she'll know that in months.
Its all just retarded.
When you think. Things was actually going to happen. She just goes.
Cold feet?

Again sorry for such long writing.

I am not trying to be harsh at all, but you need to realize you had a pen pal/online relationship, that was great while it lasted, but its over because while you were so in love, she was not AS in love as you were.

She was living her life, and yes you were being deceived a bit, as she was really having a great time, boyfriend, or NO, while you were falling deeper, and deeper.

Whether she was intentionally honest or not, the distance didn't make her feel obligated, or committed to you, or loyal. She hid facts to keep you interested for sure, and now you must accept that it wasn't cold feet, but a distraction, why she kept you hanging on.

She had no intentions of entertaining you, and this is one of the hazards of the online community, you never know what kind of person they are, nor if they are sincere, or not, until its time to meet, and clearly she was not interested, or was more interested with what she was doing in her life.

I know that's not what you were led to believe, but its obviously true.

Sorry you have learned the hard way, you can't always believe what a long distance stranger is telling you, and whether you believe them, or not, be a lot more careful, next time.

I think you invested all this time for a woman who has not been on the same page as you.

It seems that while she committed to your two month visit, she managed to bounce to another possible suitor, thus having to come up with something to cancel your trip.

And she's right, she can't entertain a relationship with him, if you are in the picture.

To go there now, in my opinion, would be a waste of your time. Not only would it be awkward and uncomfortable for you, it would be for her also, regardless how this came about.

Realize that above this, you have really figured out what kind of person she is. She could have made it clear to the new guy that she can't even consider a relationship until she sees how it goes with you first. That would have been the honest way to go.

I don't think she set out to deceive you necessarily; if you had lived in another state instead of England, it would have likely ended up the same way. She's not good girlfriend material.

I'd consider the cost of the ticket an investment in avoiding heartache.

Realize that above this, you have really figured out what kind of person she is. She could have made it clear to the new guy that she can't even consider a relationship until she sees how it goes with you first. That would have been the honest way to go.



She did say when she first told me about this whole thing was happening. She said that Her and him was actually saying Me and her should meet first before they jump into something, otherwise if we didn't meet he would be like "What if you two did meet" etc etc
He knew about me. All she kept doing while she was at work was talk about me and talk to me on msn on her phone. He also had a girlfriend at the time. I don't know if they be together now.

Really. I just want her to realize what she has done. Not sit there like nothing has happened.

Some people don't realise that they've acted like clowns and I think you're better off chalking this up to experiencea and move on.

If you lived in the same town as her, and this was going on, what would you do. If she said that she had started liking someone else, and things just weren't going to happen between you and her any longer. Remember she said, "If you're planning on going out there to change my mind and be like I do love you and I want this to happen, I highly doubt that will happen."

I don't see where this is just 'cold feet' for her, and I don't see her indicating that she doesn't mean what she says.

You may never have an answer as to why this happened, and seemingly overnight. But the truth is, she was living a life that, for whatever reason, got her involved with another person, and she no longer feels the same toward you, as you did (do) feel toward her.

Maybe she had doubts long before, but put them aside, and felt obligated to go ahead with you coming over because of the cost, and commitment. Maybe it just caught up to her, and she had some serious decisions to make. Either way, her doubts are enough to put cold water on the relationship.

My gut tells me that what she has told you, is not the entire truth. My sense is that she has decided on another relationship, over you. There wasn't enough room in her life for two boyfriends, and she has made a choice.

I really do feel for you. To be so totally caught off guard would leave me reeling too. It's like there was an invisible foe there, and you never had a chance to fight.

Maybe if the visit had been two or three weeks, instead of two months, that may have made a difference, who knows. Two months to go on a trip to be with her is a much longer time to put your life on hold if you have someone else in the picture that you are interested in, as she does.

As harsh as it is, at least you know where you stand. Even if she does decide that she wants to go ahead with it, does that mean you are now the rebound guy, or you are better than nothing, or she's doing it out of obligation, not love?

It would have been very sad for you to go under false pretenses, only to find out anyway, and be stuck with her until your plane came home.

I'd say there are more plusses than minuses in staying put.

I am sorry to read about your disappointment, but my advice is to eat the tickets and forget about your dream of a relationship with her. Since you haven't met her personally, it is sort of like experiencing the break-up before you actually got involved in the relationship.

There has to be more to the story than what she's saying. If she truly felt love for you she wouldn't be wanting to date someone else and would be anxiously awaiting your arrival.

There's a great gal out there waiting to have a relationship with you. Move on and find her and forget about the gal from America.

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“I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me – I’m going to smile.” —unknown