What's wrong with the greenies?

what's wrong with the greenies?

Psssssst...


https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-help/disappearing-greenies-450310.html

Hmmm... hadn't noticed. Then again, I rarely remember where I posted greenies.

What's a greenie

whats a greenie

Agreeing with a post gives the poster a green box (greenie) on his/her profile.

Disagreeing (should only be used for dangerous advice or inaccurate facts; opinions should be discussed on the board) with a post gives a red box (reddie).

Greenies are good. :)

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee..

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

What did they tell you when they found out the bucket was empty?

Surely:

'I was on my way to get the meat' :)

Nice Stringer :)

Hahahaha

Good one!

I love this thread, great for a laugh

Actually I can't remember. I know that I had one gigantic smile on my face.

This story happened a while ago outside Dublin , and even
Though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the
Side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of
A big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm
Was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.


Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and
Stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about
It, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was
Nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.


The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road
Ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging
For his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared
Out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John,
Paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window,
But never touched or harmed him.


Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear
Down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and
Ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started
Telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he
Was crying... and wasn't drunk.


Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked
In from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked
And out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at
The bar, one said to the other...

'Look Paddy...
There's that f*****g idiot that got in the car
While we were pushing it!!

Great Way - Snotr (http://www.snotr.com/video/4034)

Webdesign clients in real life - Snotr (http://www.snotr.com/video/4037)

Webdesign clients in real life - Snotr (http://www.snotr.com/video/4037)

I found that VERY interesting. I have had clients that decide not to pay and I want to go back to their establishment and take my F... ing compressor out and see what they do at that point.

OK... over it now... lets get back to funny:D

AGAIN...What are you talking about:confused:

I think she fell into the wrong thread somehow. Either that or she's clinically insane.

The Best card trick ever , how does he do this??

Best Card Trick Ever (http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Humor/BestCardTrick.html)

The Best card trick ever , how does he do this ???

Best Card Trick Ever (http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Humor/BestCardTrick.html)

I have no idea M! He is really amazing, good find buddy! :)

The Best card trick ever , how does he do this ???

Best Card Trick Ever (http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Humor/BestCardTrick.html)

What the hell :eek:

This is interesting, not as much as M's card trick though, that was good.

Palindrome of a Lost Generation | Tammy Camp (http://www.tammycamp.com/2010/01/24/palindrome-of-a-lost-generation.html)

The Best card trick ever , how does he do this ???

Best Card Trick Ever (http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Humor/BestCardTrick.html)

OK I have to look at it again and see if I can do the hand thingy:D I am way behind on the card trick, whick was GREAT:eek:
I love that crap:D

This is interesting, not as much as M's card trick though, that was good.

Palindrome of a Lost Generation | Tammy Camp (http://www.tammycamp.com/2010/01/24/palindrome-of-a-lost-generation.html)

I thought I wasn't going to be quick enough to get it and attempted to concentrate, but there was no need:D Cool:)

I thought I wasn't going to be quick enough to get it and attempted to concentrate, but there was no need:D Cool:)

It was cool wasn't it.

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book?' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Ever had Ethiopian food?












Neither have they

Is there something missing? Or do I just belong on the short bus today? I'm confused.

I once rode the short bus

The joke was just wrong. Haha
Ethiopia everyone starves

I'm going to head down to the farmer's market tomorrow.

Know how to tell if they're fresh?

They squeeze you!

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book?' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Excellence again! :)

And, this is considered to be a "few" funnies? :p

I'm gonna head down to the farmer's market tomorow.

Know how to tell if they're fresh?

They squeeze you!

Hey, that was pretty good! :p

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book?' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.


I have this posted in my library, and on my wall at work. This might well be my favorite joke of all time.

When I worked in an office I had a sign on my desk that said;

"Would you like to speak to the man in charge or the woman that knows what's going on?"

My boss put it there. :)

When I worked in an office I had a sign on my desk that said;

"Would you like to speak to the man in charge or the woman that knows what's going on?"

My boss put it there. :)

Ha ha... My sign says; "OUT TO LUNCH....pretend you don't see me."

A New Zealand husband walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...


29728


"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."


The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
Not a cow."


The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b1tch ,
You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

That made me giggle.

I liked that one

I had to spread the rep M. I giggled. :)

Where do you find these?

Cornography

Child cornography

A little boy living with his newly single mother wakes up in the middle of the night and has to go to the bathroom.on his way he passes his mothers room.the door is open a little he see her running her hands around herself saying I need a man I need a man.he thinks nothing of it goes to the bathroom and goes back to bed.the next night the same thing happens she saying I need a man I need a man.again he just goes to the bathroom and goes back to bed.the next night he's walking by her room and sees a man in there with his mom,he forgets about the bathroom runs back to his room jumps up on the bed and starts rubbing himself all over saying I need a bike I need a bike.

Hahahaha!

Why do fish live in salt water?
Pepper makes them sneeze!

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."
The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I``ve just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I``ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn``t anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

Seeing as I have to go for a colonoscopy soon, I thought these were appropriate.

29743

29744

Hahahahahahahahaha WOW!

Ha Ha

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good- looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and fool around with her?"

"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!"

What's the most useless thing on a woman's body? -------------- an irishman.

An tourist is sitting in a bar in irland notices the man next to him looks bummed out,so he ask what's up.the man says see this bar I built this bar you would think people would call me o'brien the bar builder but no.look out that window see that fence I built that fence you would think people would call me o'brien the fence builder but no.and see that barn beyond the fence I built that barn you'd think people would call me o'brien the barn builder but nooo. But you f__k one sheep.

an tourist is sitting in a bar in irland notices the man next to him looks bummed out,so he ask whats up.the man says see this bar i built this bar you would think people would call me o'brien the bar builder but no.look out that window see that fence i built that fence you would think people would call me o'brien the fence builder but no.and see that barn beyond the fence i built that barn you'd think people would call me o'brien the barn builder but nooo. but you f__k one sheep.

Loved it!:D

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.

A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home? " the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't, " the boy replied. "He went into town. "

"Well, " said the rancher, "Is your Mother here? "

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad. "

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here? "

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad. "

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? " the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad. "

"Well, " said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Jasmine, pregnant. "'

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that, " he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard. "

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate, Allison, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

I was seeing something like this to happen... but actually, shooting the poor dog shocked me :eek:

Good one Alty! :)

WAL-MART INTERVIEW

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm... let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of!

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said. Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT! ' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

A man runs into his house a yells hunny pack your bags I hit the lottery.she says should I pack for the beach or the mountains.he says I don't care just get the f--k out!

A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

Loved it and I'm cracking up as I picture it:D

Some people laugh,some say eeeuwww then laugh,some just say eeeuwww.but anyway---------------what do you call a hooker with a runny nose?--------------------full.

I forget who told me it was pronounced cesarean bread.but he's no friend of mine.

i forget who told me it was pronounced cesarean bread.but he's no friend of mine.
I don't get it:o
Help please:)

Uh... I know a word in French that has the 'sound' of Cesarean... could it be? But still, I don't get it... :confused: :o

Blonde goes to K-Mart to buy curtains.

She says to the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'

The salesman shows her several patterns then he asks her what size curtains do you need?'

The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'

'Seventeen inches?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for! '

The blonde says, 'they aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'

The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!'

The blonde says: 'Helloooooo... mine has Windows..! :rolleyes:

Blonde goes to K-Mart to buy curtains.

She says to the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'

The salesman shows her several patterns then he asks her what size curtains do you need?'

The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'

'Seventeen inches?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for !?'

The blonde says, 'they aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'

The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!'

The blonde says: 'Helloooooo .... mine has Windows.....!! :rolleyes:

Yup... blondie. :)

THE WIDOW AND THE COWHAND
=============================

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.



She was a very attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch,

but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place

an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she

decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have

him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and

knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have

done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.

You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and

no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon
entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the

fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.

"And now take off my thong", and he dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,



"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

That's one of the best jokes I've ever heard.

Golf Balls ...



A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.




The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.




Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".




Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.




After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked...



"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
Pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.






.

Comments on this post
Altenweg agrees : LMAO! Okay, that one was good.

LOL... yeah well I sort of had to make up for the last one , I have a Reputation to uphold you know :rolleyes:

Comments on this post
Altenweg agrees : LMAO! Okay, that one was good.

LOL .................... yeah well i sorta had to make up for the last one , I have a Reputation to uphold you know :rolleyes:

Well after last night I'm sure your reputation is safe. :cool:

Oh, wait, were you talking about your reputation as the plucky comic relief? :o

I wonder if this is one of Alty's Bunnies :D















30926

Okay funny man, I posted this on my chat thread, but I have to post it here too.

If you're not familiar with "The Wiggles" they are a band for small children. They do live shows, have a television program, are usually very child appropriate. They're geared towards preschool kids.

Anyway, having said that, this is one of their songs.

YouTube - Most Hilarious Ringtone - I've Got the Clap - Hilarious Ringtone! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYpChcwsn4g)

Thoughts?

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organisation.

The Spoon


Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.



It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I enquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

In Mozambique:

"WARNING: LION ENCOUNTERS!"

"It is the season for lion encounters and this information is being posted to all naturalists, motorcyclists, hikers...anyone who will be going into the bush."

"We advise all to wear little bells on their clothing so as to give advance notice to any lions and not to surprise them.

We also advise that all out-of-doors persons also carry pepper spray with him or her to protect themselves from the lions.

Outdoorsmen should also be on watch for fresh lion activity and be able to tell the difference between lion cub crap and big lion crap. Lion cub crap is smaller and contains lots of berries and bits of fur. Big lion crap has lots of little bells in it and smells of pepper."

"Enjoy your stay in Mozambique....."

A city dweller moved up to a very remote part of Canada to be as far from the city crowds as possible. In fact his closest neighbor was 70 miles away and that suited him well.
He had been there for about 3 months when there was a knock on his door. Somewhat surprised he answered the door to find a large bearded man on his porch. The man said, " I heard you moved in so I come by to introduce myself and welcome you to our beautiful country."
How nice , he thought, took 3 months to get here. About right for visits from neighbors.
Then the man said, "Also there is a tradition of a welcoming party for you and it will be on Saturday."
He said, "I usually don't like party's....." but was interupted by the man saying, " You'll like this party! Lot's of good food and wine, singing and dancing , sometimes a fight breaks out but boys will be boys and all the incredible sex makes it all worthwhile!"
That got his attention , he said, "OK! Sounds great! What should I wear?"
The man says, "Don't much matter....just gonna be you and me."

A doctor was making his rounds one night when a nurse comes up and asked him to sign a couple of charts. Reaching into his pocket he pulls out a thermometer and begins to " sign" the charts. When he notices this he says , "damn some a55hole has my pen."

How do you wake up Lady Ga Ga?

Poke her face:D

Just Dahlia agrees : ha ha, but you picture is freaking me out:o

Now I need to change that to "used to freak me out" since you changed it:)

Now I need to change that to "used to freak me out" since you changed it:)

I thought it was actually flattering. I was much younger then, and now look more like a troll and have a face that would make a train take a dirt road.I'm a walking testimonial for avatar use.

How do you wake up Lady Ga Ga?

Poke her face:D

I don't get those poke her face... oh wait, wait, wait! I get it!
LOL good one.

A few siggy rejects. ;)

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbors newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Eagles can soar, but weasels don't get sucked into Jet engines.

A man is as young as the woman he feels.

carpenter-t disagrees

?

This is the joke section. Do you even know the rules of this site?

Disagrees are for factually incorrect info only.

I'm sick of all the reddies from people that just have to express their opinions because they don't like what someone wrote.

Thread closed!

Ya, I'm mad.

That was totally uncalled for! :mad:

Okay, I re-opened it, giving Carpenter a chance to explain the reddie.

I don't mind reddies if I posted something that went against the ruels or was factually incorrect. The fact is, this is a joke forum, and there's no such thing as factually incorrect in jokes.

If you don't like the jokes I tell, don't read them, but to reddie them, not okay. What with the new skin and all the chaos it's causing, this was the last straw for me today.

If the reddie was an accident, understandable, it's happened to me too, and I should have thought of that before I got upset. Again, bad day, this was just the straw that broke this camels back, and for that I do apologize.

If I jumped the gun and this was a mistake, sorry. If not, I'd like an explanation. So I've re-opened this thread for that purpose.

Hope you saw my explanation and apology on the previous page.

Carpenter, I did see your explanation, and I too apologize for jumping the gun before asking for an explanation. My bad. Bad week. Sorry. :o

I see you're on the new ff style skin, confusing as all get out, not user friendly, and now I understand the reddie more then ever. It's not you, it's the skin you're using.

My suggestion is to choose the v2 skin as your default. It's much easier to navigate, and the site looks so much nicer in v2.

The new skin is just being tested, but all the bugs haven't been worked out, not even close.

If you're in the new skin, scroll to the top, there should be a link that says "take me to the old AMHD".

Sorry for getting upset. I'm a girl. It happens.

Hope you accept my apology. :)

Alty-no apology necessary,thanks to giding me back to the old v2 skin

alty-no apology necessary,thanks to giding me back to the old v2 skin

Thanks for being so understanding.

I'm just having a bad week, mainly because of the new skin.

I've been getting unwarranted reddies from newbies without any posts to their name, no need for them to spread the rep, and seeing your reddie, that was just the last thing I could take. :o

Then I sat back, realized that you're not like that, and boy, now I feel like a total big "b" little "itch".

Bygones?

Now tell a joke and lets get this thread back on track. :cool: :)

Okay, I re-opened it, giving Carpenter a chance to explain the reddie.

I don't mind reddies if I posted something that went against the ruels or was factually incorrect. The fact is, this is a joke forum, and there's no such thing as factually incorrect in jokes.

If you don't like the jokes I tell, don't read them, but to reddie them, not okay. What with the new skin and all the chaos it's causing, this was the last straw for me today.

If the reddie was an accident, understandable, it's happened to me too, and I should have thought of that before I got upset. Again, bad day, this was just the straw that broke this camels back, and for that I do apologize.

If I jumped the gun and this was a mistake, sorry. If not, I'd like an explanation. So I've re-opened this thread for that purpose.

I'm sorry I don't know why I got a chuckle out of the misspelling:D

::running away:::)

I'm sorry I don't know why I got a chuckle out of the misspelling:D

::running away:::)

OMG! Ahhhh! I am human! NOOOOOO! ;) ;)

Run hard. Run fast. Run long. ;)

OMG! Ahhhh! I am human! NOOOOOO! ;) ;)

Run hard. Run fast. Run long. ;)

Run forestia. Run!!

Funny picture (http://www.aircraftresourcecenter.com/TPC/fun-pics003/2001-2100/004.shtm)

Funny picture (http://www.aircraftresourcecenter.com/TPC/fun-pics003/2001-2100/004.shtm)

I am trying not to wake Cats up by laughing out loud. :p

Funny picture (http://www.aircraftresourcecenter.com/TPC/fun-pics003/2001-2100/004.shtm)

Yep, looks like edith. Whoring herself out all over the house.

Untitled Document (http://hcomi.com/Picsvidsjokes/mrgorsky.htm)

LMAO!

Now that's funny Stringer.

What happens when a blonde gets bored with a tongue piercing a lip ring?

20 minutes of being stuck

32089

32090

Bunnies are waaaaaay more delicious than cats.

Cats don't destroy my garden.

Bunnies are waaaaaay more delicious than cats.

Cats don't destroy my garden.

Wabbitts!! I have had enough!!

Synn, try cutting up (in small pieces) some apples and put them around your garden. I have tried all the store bought things, one rain and they don't work...

Stringer

I gave up long ago trying to rid of them Meh, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em?

I feed them now. I find if I feed them my old fruits and veggies in the back of the house, they stay out of my garden.

I gave up long ago trying to rid of them Meh, if ya can't beat 'em, join 'em??

I feed them now. I find if I feed them my old fruits and veggies in the back of the house, they stay out of my garden.

Sadly (short of machine gunning 'um) that is what seems to work... keep them full... Our wild rabbits are so tame that you can get within 2 feet before they run.

We've started a different plan. I pull the hair from my hairbrush and hang it around the garden fence.

And the hubby pees around the edges every few days.

Seems to be working!

Brush and drink...

They really are a nuisance. Yesterday they simply bit off all the new sprouts on new planting and left them there, didn't eat them. Just plain vandalism (period)

We've started a different plan. I pull the hair from my hairbrush and hang it around the garden fence.

And the hubby pees around the edges every few days.

Seems to be working!

Nothing like marking your territory eh?

Brush and drink....

They really are a nuisance. Yesterday they simply bit off all the new sprouts on new planting and left them there, didn't eat them. Just plain vandalism (period)

Dirty rotten scoundrels

Dirty rotten scoundrels

:)

Nothing like marking your territory eh?

As long as he's not peeing on ME, I don't care!

Speaking of peeing on people.

Indy has now lost his ability to hold it.

I went to the doctors today, then went to visit a friend. Usually Indy sleeps until around 4pm, mainly because he's up all night pacing, panting, barking. Today he apparently woke up while I was gone, got to the front foyer, laid down, peed and pooed everywhere.

I came hope to a foyer full of feces and pee, a very stinky wet dog, and a headache. :(

I feel horrible for not being here when he had to go out. He looked so disgusted with himself. :(

Good news though. Operation soon. My doctor just needs to call the specialist that did the colonoscopy, book a time, blood transfusion to up my hemoglobin, and then surgery. :)

Good news Alty, I know it will all turn out well.


An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'
How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -

'Is that one word or two?'[/B]

As long as he's not peeing on ME, I don't care!

Yeah, that's edith's latest trick when she wants something. She peed ON my foot to get me to clean out the litter box, which wasn't that bad. Then, just a few hours later, she tried it again. I have no idea what the second time was for.

Good news Alty, I know it will all turn out well.


An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'
How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -

'Is that one word or two?'[/B]

That is funny. Good one

We've started a different plan. I pull the hair from my hairbrush and hang it around the garden fence.

And the hubby pees around the edges every few days.

Seems to be working!

this post definitely makes me want a salad from your garden!

=) kidding

Just pretend the hair is some new European bean sprouts, and the pee is like a lemon pepper seasoning. :p

Good news Alty, I know it will all turn out well.


An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'
How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -

'Is that one word or two?'[/B]

That was great, I had to go back and read it again.:D

Comments on this post
Aurora_Bell agrees : I still don't get it :(

LOL Bella... you haven't changed ;)

In-frequently

Is it "in and frequently"?

Is it "in and frequently"?

No if's and's or butts about it!!