I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?



I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop Masturbating.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"



I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?




I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh*t."



I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

A bit racy, but I loved them!!

Aha, the truth comes out. M is really a dirty old man! Welcome to the club.

Well I really liked them!

Damn! I was just examining how much weight the carpet will carry.

Some additions... the ladies are going to kill me :eek:


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
To the kitchen sink.



How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me... '



How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

The very 1st one scared me for a second:eek:
But they were all great:D

Why don't men have to buy dishwashers?
Because they married one:)

That's so bad. :)

Turnabout is fair play M.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

:)

Comments on this post
Altenweg agrees: Sleep with one eye open M!

Oooohhh I will from now on , and one ear cocked :eek:





27105

I have to spread the rep.

That sucks. :(

I have to spread the rep.

That sucks. :(

I agree 27108


I hate it when I really like someone's post and I can't Rep them because I really liked the one they did before , ah well that's life :cool:

Life sucks! ;)

Sigh.

More man jokes? Okay. :)

What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Remember M, you started this. ;)

Quote: Alty What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.


I snorted:D

Remember M, you started this. ;)

LOL... keep them coming Alty , no offense taken here their only Jokes after all , OK well I have plenty more :cool:


How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.



What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.



Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of t * ts in there.



How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Oh, your bad:cool:

LMAO! Okay M, you got me, I giggled. I have to admit, I giggled at the first ones too.

Okay, more man jokes.

Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their a$$holes and they vapor lock.

Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Turnabout is fair play M.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

:)

And then God created a WOMAN.. :D

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE... He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

I'm sorry, but I really liked Alty Vapor lock one and Silvers

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE... He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Are these just coming up in your brains? I love them!

Yours too M:D:rolleyes: but we are women.:)

I'm glad I left , looks lie Im totally outnumbered :eek:

I'm glad I left , looks lie Im totally outnumbered :eek:

Never Dear. You know I'd back you up if push came to shove. :)

I'm out for the night. Morning comes early and I have a long day tomorrow.

Night all.

Keep the man jokes coming. We've got to keep the guys on their toes. :)

2 women and a man are standing by a fast river when the grim reaper comes says to them that either they cross the river or he kills them, the first women dives in an d drowns immedietly. The second women jumps in and makes it half way across but drowns. The grim reaper says to the man, now what will you do, and the man says, I'll go across the bridge.


Why did God make woman last?
He didn't want someone telling him what to do.

Why do women get married in white?
So they match the kitchen appliances!

What's the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
(Adam Ferrara)

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

I love these jokes.

I really, really do.

Lol! Seems to be a fight going on here :p

I have seen some of those already, but it's always good to read them again :)

My Neighbors ------- the lesbians next door -------- asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

My Neighbors ------- the lesbians next door -------- asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

:eek:

My Neighbors ------- the lesbians next door -------- asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Had to spread the love, but that was great, I love it when I don't know the outcome:D

@friend4u178- That was great... :D


Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.

Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Government bonds mature.

Q: What is a man's idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.

What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.

What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?
Lazy.

That's really harsh Silver! :eek:

I have put the toilet seat down at least a thousand times!

M, that was great! I think you have posted that in the castle too... right?

@ Unknown008 - thanks, and no hard feelings... just jokes..

And I don't know anything about castle. I got these jokes out of a mail I received.

I know... but still ;)

I was talking mostly about the three last ones...

All great, especially the second one and the graveyard one.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

love it ^_^

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.

What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.

What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?
1) No mind.
2) No business.

Why is a man different from a computer?
You only have to tell the computer once.

Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her...
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
Arrive naked... with beer...

How do you know when a man is about to say something smart?
When he starts his sentence with "A woman once told me ..."

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

I think I may use that if anyone ever asks me for my number ^_^