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MiSSsy111222
Jan 5, 2009, 01:08 PM
All threads merged for the whole story

I'm so messed up and confused. Me and my now ex boyfriend was together for just over a year, it wasn't the perfect relationship but we grew to be close. We made mistake, mainly to do with our religion, we had sex before marriage. He broke up with me nearly 3months ago, he says he can't handle the relationship. And he has given up.

We both no that he is not ready for a relationship, he's 18. He says we need 2 fight it as it will only get worse. I really want him, so bad it hurts. Every time I try to talk about this he runs away. He doesn't want to talk about it. He won't face me and be a man about it.

I've finally cut contact after we had one night together and we realised we can't doit again. All my feelings came back to haunt me. Cutting contact is hard, I want him to realise what he has done and how much he has hurt me.

The last converstation we had was him saying that he wasn't sure if we love each other, this hurt:(. What should I do, keep hoping he will come back? Or just try and move on. Please help

kctiger
Jan 5, 2009, 01:11 PM
Try and move on. Love is like an addiction, so each time you get an easy fix, you start back to square one. Start today, and tell yourself YOU WILL GET OVER THIS! Emotional detox, if you will. Right now your body is addicted to this, but cutting contact is the only way to move on. Whatever happens, happens, but you are in control of yourself, and that is all that matters. End the pain, and stop the suffering.

LifeChangesMan
Jan 5, 2009, 01:13 PM
Hey you,

All right, I'm not going to be harsh or anything just step our of your shoes and into mine to understand where I'm coming from and I hope that response will help you realize and understand a few things.

First of all, if he doesn't want to work things out with you, it doesn't matter on your age, so don't try and make excuses to cope with the situation, all relationships need both sides to want to work everything out because you care or love about one another, and he says that he doesn't know if he even loves you, hmmm... another problem there.

Don't you really want someone who will give you the same love back that you give to them? I mean think about it, you wouldn't fall in love with a wall would you? I mean why love something with everything you have and get nothing back in return.

I suggest standing up for yourself, knowing you deserve better, move on, and cut off contact with him completely, no more talking, texting, hanging out, you need to cut all this off so you can get on with your life and heal from this hurt, best of luck to you.

Yours Truly,
LCM

MiSSsy111222
Jan 5, 2009, 01:53 PM
I've cut the contact now I feel like I'm waiting... waiting for what? I don't even know myself.

MiSSsy111222
Jan 5, 2009, 04:10 PM
Okay story so far... he's left me 3months ago... he's 18.. and decided he didn't want a relationship with me anymore, also not with anyone else. He said he can't handle the pressure of being with someone. They way he left me was crule.. heartbreaking. I never thought he could be so hurtful, to this day he still hasn't explained himself face to face. He says he blocks it out. Because he feels bad. Why has he ran away from me? From everything. Can anyone explain to this to me?

Ever since he has left me I have given up on everything. I don't care about my education, my future or myself. I have a negative attitude towards everything. I don't eat proparly because I don't care about myself. He is the opposite, he can carry on. Why am I doing this to myself when I know its not good for me. How do I get myself together again. I have exams this week and I have messed up BIG time, what can I do. Any advice?

kctiger
Jan 5, 2009, 04:31 PM
Couple things here. First of all, creating several different threads to address your problem isn't going to help. Please, quit. We are here to help, but you have to help yourself as well.

Have you read the stickies on top of this forum? Have you checked your pulse? You are still alive right? Have you seen the sun today? It still shines right? Life is still out there, waiting for you, so regardless of YOUR situation, YOU have control over it. Give yourself sometime to heal, and then make a plan of action to get your life back together. Yes, it is hard, but it is not impossible. You have one of two choices here:

1) Let this person whom left you destroy your life (in other words, you destroy your own life, as you have control)

2) Get up, dust yourself off, and realize yourself value is more than some boyfriend that didn't care to be with you.

Everything happens for a reason, so after you get over the crying and sadness, pick yourself up and move on. The best thing to do in these situations is make yourself better than ever. Spoil yourself, work on whatever you don't like about yourself, and by all means, don't let anyone tell you you aren't good enough. Relationships end, all of the time. Nothing personal.

tickle
Jan 5, 2009, 04:33 PM
Long time goals. Do you have any ? Was this fella the ultimate in what you wanted?

Will he be around when you are getting your BA, or whatever you want to do with the rest of you life ?

So many questions, missy.

He is moving on and you are not. That would send up red flags to me. I would never let anyone get the best of me that way.

Give yourself a break missy, achieve no matter what

MiSSsy111222
Jan 7, 2009, 02:46 PM
I'm writing on the behalf of a friend, she's in a BAD situation. She fell in love with this guy. He was perfect at first, loving and caring towards her. Gradually he changed, becoming aggressive. Frequently hitting her and intimidating her. This is due to his frequent drinking and drugs. Now she is 10weeks pregnant, (which was planned). The last fight they had he hurt her badly, this including kicking her stomach. From the beginning I tried to make her see sense that this man was no good for her, family and friends could not make her realise either. There relationship is on and off constantly, she will get the strength to leave, then he will sweet talk her to come back. And it always works. Advice would be great to try and help. Thank you

ja77
Jan 7, 2009, 02:48 PM
this including kicking her stomach

She needs to leave him now this not only harming her but also the unborn baby.

She needs to seek help from him straight away -
http://www.family2000.org.uk/domestic_violence.htm

Has this action been reported to the police and charges pressed.

kctiger
Jan 7, 2009, 02:48 PM
911

Lowtax4eva
Jan 7, 2009, 02:48 PM
There is really nothing you can do, she obviously has bad self esteem and isn't very smart (at least about this).

She is the one that needs to smarten up and leave him, if you have proof you can call the cops but she will probably get mad at you for it.

ylaira
Jan 7, 2009, 03:04 PM
She is hard headed. So just advise her to buy 2 memorial plans NOW: 1 for her and 1 for the baby.

MiSSsy111222
Jan 7, 2009, 03:08 PM
I've tried all this, she won't call the police, he has a hold over her

gkiegrirgi
Jan 7, 2009, 03:46 PM
Have you tried telling other friends?

MiSSsy111222
Jan 7, 2009, 03:51 PM
No I haven't. One mintute she see's sense then she goes back to him. Other people's opinions don't count to her, she's blind and deaf when it comes to facing reality

Fr_Chuck
Jan 7, 2009, 04:09 PM
There is not a single thing you can do, until she is dead or so hurt she has to be carried out.

It is sad but this is very very common among abused women at some point she will believe it is her fault and she deserves it.

kitten420
Jan 7, 2009, 04:31 PM
My mom was in a relationship with my father for 15 years. He was very abusive towards her and soon enough towards his own children.

It got so bad one day that I seen my own father put a gun up to my moms head and threaten to kill her. It wasn't until that day that she realized she needed to leave and I was already 13 years old by then.


It was really hard because my mom had left my dad a few times but every time she left he begged her back and she was stupid enough to think that everything would be OK and he wouldn't hit her anymore.


I believe another part of her was scared because she was so young when she was with my father.

Me and my sisters used to beg my mom to leave my dad. I mean literally even him hiting us girls didn't make my mom see that she needed to leave.

My father broke my nose before because he slapped me so hard and was kicking me in my back in front of a 7 eleven.


And my mom did nothing about it.

Until she decided that it was enough when he put that gun to her head. She left him and for god this time.


It was really hard for my mom because she was with my father since she was 14 years old.

He was calling begging her back but she had family and friends that would keep her in line not to go back to him.


I am glad my mom made that decision because I don't know what would have happened if we were still there.



Your friend really needs to get out of the situation she is in. somehow try and convince her to leave. Tell her she can stay with you and if she feels like she is in that week moment. YOU keep her strong and tell her she can do better then that and she don't need him.


Specially with her in this fragile state on being pregnant she is most likley going to be scared because she will want to be with him.




Being in this situation is really hard. She needs to go to the police after she leaves him and file for a restrant order.


If he is really that angry of a man . She needs to change her number. So he can't call her. If she decides she wants to go to his house for some things. You go with her. Bc if she is alone she will just go right back to him.




I hate it when people are in these situations.



Now I'm not going to say it will be easy it will be hard. Nobody is going to be able to convince her.
All you can do is be a helping hand and be there for her whenever she needs you.

But most likley in these situations she is never going to leave until she figures out on her own that she is in trouble. And with her being pregnant with his child it deffenatly won't help right now.


Or maybe she will relize that her child is at stake here.


But until she relizes this on her own I suggest that you be there for her and be a helping hand. And when she does relize it you make sure she stays strong and she stays away from him.

MiSSsy111222
Jan 7, 2009, 04:47 PM
Thanks kitten, you're a real help. Your advice is good.im sorry about the situation you and your family was in. thank god its over. Your mom is a strong woman. My friend is reading all these posts. HOPFULLY SHE SEE'S SENSE!!

kitten420
Jan 7, 2009, 04:59 PM
I really hope she does. I know what your friend is going through and if she really wants someone to talk to she can e mail me on myspace and I will talk to her.

Like even though my dad was really bad, the sad thing is sometimes I wish that my parents were still together because we did have good times too.

I miss it sometimes but I know deep down inside it was best for everyone because what if we never left we could be dead right now.


And you know what after my mom left my dad he evern realized that he had a poblem. And he got a counsiler. And my dad is so much better now,

He went back to college he graduates this year as a nurse. He has a great fiancé susan who I love to death and he is actually a great father now.


So in reality not only will her leaving make her life better for her and her child. But maybe her boyfriend will relize he has a problem and he needs serious help.

I hope all the best for her and I will pray that she finds a better way for her and the baby.


If she or you ever need to talk I will be on here and you can e mail me or get my myspace or something and we can talk.

ferrell_2006
Jan 8, 2009, 06:24 PM
I can relate to this because myself have been in this exact situation... number one let me say this girl is not stupid and she is not hard headed.
I dated a guy and oh my he was my world I loved him dearly and to this day he holds a place in my heart yet I know now I could never go back. He was great loving caring all the things a girl could dream of... he then got into drugs and changed completley he would hurt me emotionally, physically and metally myself esteem dropped drasticlly I also became pregnant and he caused me so much stress I started the process of a miscarriage and then he hit me in the stomach and that caused the complete miscarriage to take place... I knew in my heart he was doing me wrong but number one I couldn't leave the fqather of my child number two I loved him too much and couldn't ever go through with it as I left many times and he always tricked me into coming back.. the only way for this girl to leave is to realize it will never get better he isn't going to change no matter how many times she tells herself he will... she has to want to leave for her benefit and for her child's because if she don't she will lose her child just through stress and she will never forgive herself and maybe you as a friend need to explain the stress is going to kill her child... and if and when she leaves she will need all of the support from family and friends especially you.. don't criticize her as it will only make things worse but understand where she is coming from its not easy for anyone to leave someone they love and her self esteem is probably extremely low due to him and she probably thinks she is worthless and couldn't do better tell her she is beautiful... she needs her friends... all you can do is be there for her and help her realize it will never get better and she can do better... and if she leaves she has got to keep hersle fbusy and no phyone calls from him or visits nothing or she will go back... and what helped me when I finally left was when I would miss him and want to talk to him or go back I would think of all the bad... and it would give me strength to stay away she needs to think about that kick in the stomach... or the hit in the face or all the times he calls her names or tells her she is worthless... my best girlfriends were great they were miracles but my guy friends were were my angels especially the one I'm closest with because he never ever criticized me once for being with him and he helped me a lot... all you can do is be a friend and help her to realize she can do better

starbuck8
Jan 8, 2009, 06:47 PM
im writing on the behalf of a friend, shes in a BAD situation. she fell in love with this guy. he was perfect at first, loving and caring towards her. gradually he changed, becoming agressive. frequently hitting her and intimidating her. this is due to his frequent drinking and drugs. now she is 10weeks pregnant, (which was planned). the last fight they had he hurt her badly, this including kicking her stomach. from the begining i tried to make her see sense that this man was no good for her, family and friends could not make her realise either. there relationship is on and off constantly, she will get the strength to leave, then he will sweet talk her to come back. and it always works. advice would be great to try and help. thankyou

Do you know anyone in her family Missy? You really do need to intervene. I'm sure you are worried that you may lose her as a friend if you do, but if you care about her enough you will do it. There is an innocent baby involved here, and this man is violent! She needs to get away from this imminent danger! Call friends, family members, a minister, or anyone who you know cares about her safety. I would also suggest calling the police dept. where you live, and ask them to put you in contact with your local victims assistance unit. Explain what is happening with your friend. She doesn't even have to know that you've called. They will give you advice on how to handle a situation like this. Make them aware of the situation, because ANYTHING could happen, and how would you feel if you sat back and didn't do anything if she or her baby is hurt or worse. You have this information. You need to use that info to help! Put your friendship ahead of your reservations, and do what you need to do to help your friend and her baby. Even if it means that your friend will be mad at you. Would you rather she be mad?. or dead?

ylaira
Jan 8, 2009, 06:59 PM
I'm sorry starbuck but I can't help to hate people who allow themselves to be abused over an over. There's nothing you can do with this unless that abused person would want to stop it. You call police for her? Then what? He'll "woe" her back, charges will be dropped and things will happen over and over again. It's just so annoying.

Missy you are a good friend and I just wish you won't get tired because this will go on for years..

ferrell_2006
Jan 8, 2009, 07:44 PM
I'm sorry starbuck but I can't help to hate people who allow themselves to be abused over an over. There's nothing you can do with this unless that abused person would want to stop it. You call police for her? then what? he'll "woe" her back, charges will be dropped and things will happen over and over again. It's just so annoying.

Missy you are a good friend and I just wish you won't get tired because this will go on for years..

I agree with this and I disagree people don't understand what is in this girls head until they have been in the same situation she knows she being mistreated but she is telling herself it will get better and then she is in complete denial... and she probably thinks she is worthless and can't get nothing better... or she probably even thinks the reason she is getting hurt is her fault.. noone has a right to judge people in this situation and also do you know if he threatens her if she were to leave... most guys will threaten the people she is closest to and she would rather be hurt then the ones she loves... that and she may not want to lose the father of her child... but I do agree also she has to want it to end no one else can make her not even the cops... and calling the cops won't do any good because she will deny it so that won't do any good... and it may go on for years or it may not no one can know.. if she wants to talk she can also talk to me because I have been in this situation and I will definitely not judge her at all

starbuck8
Jan 8, 2009, 07:49 PM
I'm sorry starbuck but I can't help to hate people who allow themselves to be abused over an over. There's nothing you can do with this unless that abused person would want to stop it. You call police for her? then what? he'll "woe" her back, charges will be dropped and things will happen over and over again. It's just so annoying.

Missy you are a good friend and I just wish you won't get tired because this will go on for years..

Ylaira, don't hate those people. Really, please don't. That is giving up on them when all they really do need is help. They don't stick around because they are stupid people. They stick around because they have low self esteem, and most often don't know any better, and don't think they deserve better either. Yes, there are the ones that seem to be drama queens, and they just like conflict, but they honestly really don't. They are looking for someone to love them, and that's why they return. They most often know that the same thing will happen again, but there is just that glimmer of hope that it won't. Most of us know that the exact opposite will happen, and that the abuse worsens. So when you give up on them, they give up on themselves too and therefore think they don't deserve to be treated better than they are. That is why your comment made me a little upset. I've been in a relationship like this. I was in it for many years, and I had people say things like you said. All it did was encourage me to stay, as if that was my fate. People like that need people to step forward, not to back away.

ylaira
Jan 8, 2009, 08:02 PM
I got a neighbor before where the guy beats his wife 3-4x a week. It's very scandalous since our houses are almost just a wall away. This woman got 5 kids, all just months in between. She doesn't work and depends solely on her husband's income that's why she stays. Her kids were minor at that time and she can't support them if she decides to leave. You know only when it stopped? When the woman died.

starbuck8
Jan 8, 2009, 08:05 PM
I got a neighbor before where the guy beats his wife 3-4x a week. It's very scandalous since our houses are almost just a wall away. This woman got 5 kids, all just months in between. She doesnt work and depends solely on her husband's income that's why she stays. Her kids were minor at that time and she can't support them if she decides to leave. You know only when it stopped? When the woman died.

That's too often what happens. That's so sad! :(

ylaira
Jan 8, 2009, 08:18 PM
I forgot to ask Missy why her friend stays? Money? If you'll help her get a job would that help?

MiSSsy111222
Jan 9, 2009, 03:49 AM
He has no money, and if he does it goes on drugs and drink. She has money problems but she also has help from her family and me. So I don't no why she keeps going back, love? I don't know how she can love someone who treats her like dirt

is this right
Jan 9, 2009, 04:25 AM
Very simple decision from the outside, difficult decision for her to make while she is on the inside.

It is a no brainer. She has to leave NOW. She has to walk out the door, and think of the baby. You then go round in a couple days with friends to collect all her stuff, and she leaves this guy to go get help.

If he seeks help and sorts his life out (for the sake of the child) then he might be able to play a part in the child's life.

She has to get out asap. If it is not now, maybe it will be when the worst case scenario happens, then she will have even mor grief to deal will.

If you're the friend, you need to sort her out!

Good luck

ferrell_2006
Jan 9, 2009, 04:41 AM
he has no money, and if he does it goes on drugs and drink. she has money problems but she also has help from her family and me. so i dont no why she keeps going back, love? i dont know how she can love someone who treats her like dirt

Yeah she probably loves him deeply it natural and we don't understand how and why people stay in these relationships but what we don't realize is they are stuck didn't you say he was great in the beginning? Which is why she started loving him and now that he has changed you can't turn off love I don't care who you are and what the reason may be... she is having a battle with herself deep in her heart she knows she needs out but he is in her head saying all the things that make her have a low self esteem and why leave she juss be alone for ever? Even though it sounds easy for you and me its not... she really is in love with this guy the main reason she can't leave and the fact its hard to say what he has told her and the fact she probably is very insecure... she can talk to me through my Yahoo at
*********if she wants someone to talk to I cacn try my best to hellp her

MiSSsy111222
Jan 9, 2009, 04:48 AM
Thanks for your advice, you are right. You can't help your feelings and I don't understand hers. I feel frustrated with her because I'm trying my best for her, and I finally think she see's sense and then she goes back. Her family is frustrated to. She is only 10weeks pregnant and she says she doesn't feel pregnant, so hopfully when the more physical effects occure she will realise that her baby is real and needs protecting.

I find that she will say that she is never going back, but signs show otherwise. Like she will try and phone him and I will stop her. And say over is OVER.

talaniman
Jan 9, 2009, 09:30 AM
You're a good friend but your only delaying the inevitable. She needs help true, but she will never leave until she knows how dangerous she is living and gives up hope he will change. All you can do is hope your there to call the cops, but short of trying her up, and getting a lot of people to talk to her, it has to be her decision. She is lucky to have you in her life. That in itself helps.

****************************
On a side note to protect your privacy, please use the PM's to exchange personal information.
Thank You.

MiSSsy111222
Jan 9, 2009, 09:34 AM
Thank you, your advice is a great help. At the moment they have separated, hopefully for good. This situation is crap, and I will always support her, that's what friends are for. Thanks again

Ber Rabbit
Jan 9, 2009, 10:31 AM
Maybe taking her to a battered women's shelter and letting her talk to people who have been there and escaped would help her. She may feel like nobody understands her even though you and her family mean well. Advice from someone who has been there might help her realize this isn't normal and she isn't alone. Abusers destroy their victim's sense of self and that's very hard to overcome. Some professional counseling may help as well. It's very hard to watch someone go through this but unless they decide they are done being treated that way the drama will continue.

Good luck and stick by her, she really needs you whether she knows it or not.
Ber

ferrell_2006
Jan 9, 2009, 11:17 AM
thanks for your advice, you are right. you can't help your feelings and i dont understand hers. i feel frustrated with her because im trying my best for her, and i finally think she see's sense and then she goes back. her family is frustrated to. she is only 10weeks pregnant and she says she doesnt feel pregant, so hopfully when the more physical effects occure she will realise that her baby is real and needs protecting.

i find that she will say that she is never going back, but signs show otherwise. like she will try and phone him and i will stop her. and say over is OVER.

It can be frustrating and its bad to say but even though she needs her family they are not the best influence right now only because they don't understand why she is putting up with what she is and she may be getting a lot of heat from them there is nothing worse then hearing "i told you so" or to have someone nag on you about something you can't really prevent. I know when I was in her place I didn't really talk much to my family because they also were frustrated and I knew I had let them down so it made things a lot worse and then I felt like I wouldn't have no where to go... its a depressing situation that seems like you can't leave because no one does understand and you feel alone because everyone wants to give you a hard time... so what this girl needs is support she needs you but don't prreach at her because that will make it worse juss be there for her... and she NEEDS to understand she has a baby in her whether she feels it or not because if she loses the baby he will blame it on her and she will blame it on herself... has she started going to the doctor?? I juss had a little girl and I couldn't ecept the fact I was pregnant but the first time I heard that heartbeat was amazing and the first time I got an ultrasound even better... maybe you can get her one of those montors at walmart I'm not sure what they are called but they are for the parents to put on the belly and you can listen to the heartbeat at home without going to the doctor so whenever she is depressed and feels alone she can listen to it and feel like she has a reason to fight and keep going that may help...
Keep me posted on her I know whjat she is going through so I would really like to help this girl as much as possible!

MiSSsy111222
Jan 9, 2009, 11:42 AM
OK some development here, they have been split up for about 2days? I think. A few phone calls between them but not many, she received a text saying "look after my baby for me". What a ,man, he isn't interested at all that he has created a life. What should she do now? He wants to go in the army. Don't think he will last long as there isn't any drink or drugs there. Should she cut contact as he is not interested, I'm pointing her in that direction. Is this wrong? I'm not sure. If he is not interested should she pressure him. Personally I think she would be better of without him in their lives. Any more advice please?

starbuck8
Jan 9, 2009, 01:16 PM
She has a baby to think about now! She should definitely cut all contact with him. If he chooses to have contact with his child after it is born, he will have to go through the courts, and be evaluted because of his abusive nature. Right now your friend needs to take care of that baby, which means the baby's needs have to come first, and that includes taking steps to cut all contact with father unless it concerns the baby's health.

I don't know if he will even be able to enter the army. He will need to go through drug and alcohol screening. Also, although I absolutely respect the men and women that fight for our rights, some people just should not be allowed to enlist. Some with a background of drug and alcohol abuse, that is a violent person to begin with, will only be more abusive when he leaves the army. I've seen it many many times. Domestic abuse and it's intensity increases.

It is NOT wrong for you to be telling her to stay away from this man. He could hurt her badly! He's already hit her, and kicked her in the stomach. It if starts like that, it will only increase in intensity! Her life and her baby's life are in danger if she goes back to him. She should stay very far away from him.

I believe I mentioned before to contact your local victims assistance unit through your local police dept. Also, she can get free help and support from a woman's shelter. They will help her with counselling, and other services to help her and her baby. Most will even provide free room and board until her baby is born if she needs a safe place to go.

You owe it to your friend to do all you can to keep her away from this violent drug and alcohol abusing sorry excuse for a man.

ferrell_2006
Jan 9, 2009, 06:42 PM
ok some development here, they have been split up for about 2days? i think. a few phone calls between them but not many, she recieved a txt saying "look after my baby for me". what a ,man, he isnt interested at all that he has created a life. what should she do now? he wants to go in the army. dont think he will last long as there isnt any drink or drugs there. should she cut contact as he is not interested, im pointing her in that direction. is this wrong? . im not sure. if he is not interested should she pressure him. personally i think she would be better of without him in their lives. any more advice please?


Its good that she is away but that won't last long if they continue to talk... but if he sent her a text saying look after my baby for me he's doing 1 of two things either he is done with her for his own reason or he is trying to make her fill guilty so she will come back... and the same for the army thing he may really want to go OR its to make her think crap ima lose him... and its not wrong to point her away that's what she needs... if he doesn't want to be the dad that's fine leave it as that if he does I would let him visit her with supervised visitation but I would definitlely wouldn't pressure him into bebein a dad if he didn't want to be

MiSSsy111222
Jan 11, 2009, 08:16 AM
Reality has hit me HARD, I know there is different stages of emotions that you experience when you go through a break up, they seem to repeat a lot. But now I'm experiencing a new one, which has scared me... I see through my ex, I can see what kind of a person he is, a crule, selfish, immature person who seems to think it is acceptable to hurt me.

The scary part is that I gave ALL of myself to him, I depended on him, I made him my world,after doing all this he broke it all down. The annoying thing is, is that it is the first time I have given myself to anyone. And I though he would be the last person to treat me so bad, and make me cry so much.

There is so many questions, how/why can he do this? was it all in my imagination that we had something?

Moving on will be hard, when he has moved on so quick

I know its going to be hard to move into a next relationship without thinking back about this relationship. I will have a trust issues with the next man, I will be scared of being broken hearted again. I don't think I can doit this all again. Its to draining. Experiencing this has made me wary. Reality has scared me.

kctiger
Jan 11, 2009, 08:20 AM
There are four stages of grief, thus when you lose someone you experience these stages (Google them if you want). The best thing to do is let these stages happen, as there is no time frame for them.

You will know when you are really on the road to recovery when you no longer harbor any ill will towards the ex. It takes a lot more effort to be mad at someone, thus it is wasted energy in the end. You will also get to that stage as well.

As for now, continue on your road to recovery, and let things happen as they may.

MiSSsy111222
Jan 11, 2009, 08:26 AM
[QUOTE=kctiger;1477940]There are four stages of grief, thus when you lose someone you experience these stages (Google them if you want). The best thing to do is let these stages happen, as there is no time frame for them.

Thank you, I know what you are saying is true, I have googled nearly about everything since this break up. It just that they are new emotions that I have never experienced before. Its driving me crazy, I think they may have took over me. I'm feeling frustrated with myself for being like this now.

I know time is a great healer. I just wish this time will hurry!

Thank you again :)

kctiger
Jan 11, 2009, 08:35 AM
I know you want the time to hurry, but take it from me, it is meant for a reason. After a month, or three, or whatever, I promise you will realize that you have truly become a better person and you have learned so much about yourself. Sometimes things that hurt soooo much to us happen so we can finally look in the mirror and find out who we truly are, and what makes us truly happy.

Heartbreak is one of those things. Good luck!

talaniman
Jan 11, 2009, 09:35 AM
the scary part is that I gave ALL of myself to him, I depended on him, I made him my world,after doing all this he broke it all down.
This was not his fault it was your choice and that's why it hurts, but through that pain you have learned, don't give everything to someone else, because there will be nothing left for you.

the annoying thing is, is that it is the first time I have given myself to anyone.
Now you have learned.

and I though he would be the last person to treat me so bad, and make me cry so much.

He doesn't deserve all the blame as you had a hand in this as well, but reality is that you both handled things the best you knew how, and it didn't work. Join the rest of the population that has learned the lesson you have.

The good news is, you will heal and move on, if you love yourself enough to be happy with yourself.

MiSSsy111222
Jan 13, 2009, 05:52 AM
OK so now I'm even more frustrated... my friend will not stop with this guy, I'm getting annoyed with her, so is my family.. I feel like I'm wasting my time being supportive. Why try and help her if she just keeps going back. I have my own issues to deal with aswel as hers. I know everyone says I shouldn't give up on her as she needs me but its all being wasted

talaniman
Jan 13, 2009, 06:15 AM
Tell her that! Then leave her alone.

ferrell_2006
Jan 14, 2009, 04:46 PM
You have to tell her how you feel juss explain to her that you love her and you're her friend but you have a life to and things you have to worry about and if she wants your help to take it or leave it but you can't be at her every beckon call... you can't be her yo-yo you juss talk to her... maybe shell understand

MiSSsy111222
Feb 5, 2009, 08:56 AM
Threads merged

I'm finding it hard to move on, I'm creating more problems for myself but I can't stop. My head and heart are fighting each other.

I'm finding it hard just to let go and move on... I know what is best for me but its finding the strength to do it!

Is this normal? Did anyone else face this situation after a break up?. any wise advice please?

kctiger
Feb 5, 2009, 09:01 AM
There really isn't a magic pill of doing this. No one said it would be easy. You literally just have to "will" yourself to move on. If you think about it, your only option is to get over this. Dedicate every single part of your mind and heart to overcoming this obstacle. Do anything you can to make yourself better, and fill up all of the wasted time you have in a day with something productive.

Time, really is the only thing that makes this better. That, and you being proactive enough to build your own life. You have clean slate right now, so paint a picture of what you want, and go for it!

Romefalls19
Feb 5, 2009, 09:12 AM
KC is right, time is the only thing you can give it. You will reach a point in the flip flop game that you will get so angry at him that it fuels your NC and then it is a roller coaster ride that you will have to stay on

ardahk
Feb 5, 2009, 09:43 AM
No magic potion, book, pill, way to get out of feeling how you feel after a hard break up.

Simply put no contact is the only way - the fights will continue but after time you will see how things change

Its been a week for me and although I feel and wish everything I am wishing I know that nothing can change right so what's the point in trying to?

Only thing worth doing is building myself up to the person I want to be and in some way the person I used to be - bad ends to relationships do some evident damage

We are all with you here

MiSSsy111222
Feb 5, 2009, 09:50 AM
The whole cutting contact is pulling me back with my break up recovery. I've tried it several times. Its hard taking him out of my life.

I know I can move on, I'm just not sure if I want to. Which is a big problem


Thanks everyone for your support.

Romefalls19
Feb 5, 2009, 09:52 AM
Trust me, you want too.. Does life ever go backwards? Nope, so why should you try to go back?

neverme
Feb 5, 2009, 09:54 AM
Time. Time is the only thing that will help.

So laugh when you feel like it and cry when you need to, and one day you'll realise your not crying so much anymore.


Stay strong. It will work out for the best in the end.

MiSSsy111222
Feb 5, 2009, 10:00 AM
You are all right. Time will heal. I think today is one of those bad days.

I'm starting NC... again. To heal

Thanks for the support

neverme
Feb 5, 2009, 10:10 AM
Keep in touch here, it really helps to have people that know what your going through and won't judge.

k3441
Feb 5, 2009, 10:30 AM
I know what you are going through as I'm going through it now myself. We have to be strong.
Sure it hurts a lot but in the end you will be OK, there are a lot of nice people on this site with good advice. I know myself I'm taking it.
Good luck to you!

MiSSsy111222
Feb 5, 2009, 10:43 AM
I know what you are going through as I'm going through it now myself. We have to be strong.
Sure it hurts a lot but in the end you will be OK, there are a lot of nice people on this site with good advice. I know myself I'm taking it.
Good luck to you!

Thanks. We are not the only people in this situation. We can be strong but a moment of weakness can ruin our hard work. Its keeping strong which is the difficult part.

And good luck with your situation to!

_Someone_
Feb 5, 2009, 12:09 PM
Hi
We had our break ups at the same time I think.when I registered in this forum and posted my first thread you were one of them who supported me with your answer.for me it has been 2 months NC. Ok I must admit it was a hard time especially the beginning. Something that I think helps.
1. Do not dig in your memories trying to find him.every time you remember the good times,his smile or the names he used to call you etc.. It is sure that you will feel love for him if you do so.you are not healed enough to remember them and not get hurt.me too.
2.keep yourself busy.try to resolve another problem that you have.sure you must have something else which bothers you.try to think about it.
3.Good luck.Dont worry we are going to make it.

MiSSsy111222
Feb 5, 2009, 12:59 PM
Hi
we had our break ups at the same time i think.when i registered in this forum and posted my first thread you were one of them who supported me with your answer.for me it has been 2 months NC. Ok i must admit it was a hard time especially the beginning. Something that i think helps.
1. Do not dig in your memories trying to find him.every time you remember the good times,his smile or the names he used to call you etc.. it is sure that you will feel love for him if you do so.you are not healed enough to remember them and not get hurt.me too.
2.keep yourself busy.try to resolve another problem that you have.sure you must have something else which bothers you.try to think about it.
3.Good luck.Dont worry we are going to make it.

Hi yes I remember reading your post. I hope my advice helped. Its strange how we can advice other people well, but struggle with our own.

2months is a long time, I'm glad your doing well. Yes memories resurface all the time, its hard not to think about them.

Good luck 2. we will make it

MiSSsy111222
Feb 11, 2009, 10:35 AM
OK so now I have a new problem to deal with. I met a man on the weekend, he seems nice, however he is a bit to full on. He keeps telling me he really likes me. He has the same religion as me, and he is talking about how he is looking for a wife. This freaks me out a little. When he talks about how much he likes me etc... it hurts. I can only think of my Ex. This new man makes me upset because it makes me think about my past realationship. He wants to meet up so we can get to no each other. Should I attempt it?

Since my break up I hate getting attention from other men, especially when they attempt to be more than friends. Is this normal?

This man makes me feel upset about the past. Does this mean I'm not ready to see another man, even as friends? Should I meet up with him?

Advice please, thanks

kctiger
Feb 11, 2009, 11:27 AM
I don't think you are ready yet... this guy also seems way too attached, way too fast. When you are on a date, I have a general rule for all of us guys (besides the normal rules):

1. DO NOT bring up marriage... PERIOD.

Seriously, it is supposed to be fun getting to know someone, not a rush to get attached. He needs to slow down, and you should probably wait a bit longer to date as well. It is fine that you aren't comfortable yet, just take your time. Dating is not about rushing into a relationship, it is about getting to know someone, then decide if you think a relationship would work. His intentions are a bit pre-mature.

MiSSsy111222
Feb 11, 2009, 12:54 PM
I don't think you are ready yet...this guy also seems way too attached, way too fast. When you are on a date, I have a general rule for all of us guys (besides the normal rules):

1. DO NOT bring up marriage...PERIOD.

Seriously, it is supposed to be fun getting to know someone, not a rush to get attached. He needs to slow down, and you should probably wait a bit longer to date as well. It is fine that you aren't comfortable yet, just take your time. Dating is not about rushing into a relationship, it is about getting to know someone, then decide if you think a relationship would work. His intentions are a bit pre-mature.

I agree I'm still not over the ex. So far this guy seems nice. The reason as to why he is speaking about marriage is because of religious reasons. He says he is looking for a wife. I think its his way of telling me his intentions are good. This is normal for muslim men to speak like this. Abit forward I know.

If I do go and meet him do you think it will affect me in any way. Like stop my process of recovering from my break up? Some people say meeting new people is a good idea, whilst others say its rebounding

kctiger
Feb 11, 2009, 12:56 PM
No, I do not think it will be bad for you. It can actually be good practice just to socialize with the opposite sex, you know? If anything, who knows, maybe he could end up being a good friend. It never hurts to get your name out there. Rebounding happens if you get into a relationship with him, only looking to latch onto the comfort zone you once had with your ex. Going on a date is NOT rebounding.

MiSSsy111222
Feb 11, 2009, 01:11 PM
Your right maybe he could be a good friend. I do think he is expecting more. I don't want to hurt his feelings. This guy knows my heart is still sore, so hopefully he won't put pressure on me.

Is this normal to feel this way about the opposite sex afer a break up? It really upset me him saying sweet words to me.

kctiger
Feb 11, 2009, 01:13 PM
Yes, totally normal. I wanted NOTHING to do with other women for awhile, as I was cynical and jaded about them. It will pass. It takes time to get over, but right now, it is absolutely normal, and you aren't doing anything wrong, you are just looking out for yourself, and your heart.

talaniman
Feb 12, 2009, 06:11 PM
Can't you be honest and tell him your not looking for a husband? If honesty doesn't work, then leaving him alone will.

Romefalls19
Feb 13, 2009, 06:57 AM
Honesty is the best policy, you aren't over your past so you can't try to plan the future.

MiSSsy111222
Feb 14, 2009, 09:55 AM
Just a quick question people. Does anyone else really struggle with cutting contact for good?


The only contact I have with my ex is online, no calls or text. I'm struggling to cut it off completely, and keep finding myself readding him to talk.

My will power seems to be weak, any suggestions to how to stop this annoying habit??

Happy valentines day!

aszmhodeus
Feb 14, 2009, 11:04 AM
Hi,

I`m also having such problems lately, especially today on valentines day. I have been in no contact for 5-6 weeks. Today I wanted so much to SMS or Call her (like I kept writing and then clicked cancel).

The only way to fight this is to slap you one and say (No I`m not doing this! I have to be strong). Or just try to consume your time as much as you can. Try not to message him anymore on online text messages (it doesn`t help at all), perhaps try to be in invisible mode. Get out with friends, read a book, play a game...

Take care >.<

UnluckyDucky
Feb 14, 2009, 11:12 AM
The easiest way is to remove or block what is causing your weakness. You can also force yourself to do another activity every time you think about trying to contact your ex. Another way would be to contact one of your friends or posting on here whenever you're feeling weak - sometimes just letting out the feeling can help you deal with it easier.

I know its hard. I've been there. I still had my ex's number programmed into my cell phone for awhile, but I realized whenever I was scrolling through my contact list I would see her name it would bring me down. I finally deleted it and haven't looked back since.

MiSSsy111222
Feb 14, 2009, 11:24 AM
This is the problem, when I do remove or block him I aways remove it and start talking again. Its like I'm addicted to this guy, and he doesn't even know it!

This is the only form of contact I have with him and its my downfall.

oldenoughtoknow
Feb 14, 2009, 11:50 AM
How long since you guys split? I've been treated so bad but still I replied to a few texts from my ex today. So I know how you're feeling its hard but you got to realise in the end it is best for you

MiSSsy111222
Feb 14, 2009, 12:09 PM
We have been split up since the end of November. My ex doesn't text or phone me, in fact since we split up he hasn't botherd at all. It still hurts like mad, and I go through so many emotions.

MiSSsy111222
Feb 14, 2009, 12:41 PM
Well I took some of your advice. I met up with him for a drink. We will be friends and he knows this. I think I would like to be friends with him but I think he still wants more.

I said to him today.. what do you want from me? He said he wants to be friend because that is what I want. I know this man would like more from me, which is something that I cannot give. Is it best to leave him alone? Or stay friends. I don't want to lead him on in anyway.

cancunchic
Feb 14, 2009, 02:39 PM
In my opinion... You are not emotionally available.

It is funny how when he are not interested in the opposite sex... they are drawn to us.. however if we are looking for a relationship.. no one seems to be interested. Funny how that works.. People always want what they cannot have.

I would follow your heart and be true to yourself and if you think you are not ready then do not feel obligated to meet him. He will ultimately respect that you are upfront with him and not leading him on. Be prepared, he will probably try harder since men are hunters but stick to your guns! I wish you the best in moving on! :-)

jeepgrl015
Feb 14, 2009, 03:08 PM
Since my break up I hate getting attention from other men, especially when they attempt to be more than friends. Is this normal?

This man makes me feel upset about the past. Does this mean I'm not ready to see another man, even as friends? Should I meet up with him?

I have to say that I am in the same boat with you. My boyfriend of 5yrs broke up with me in August and since then I have met a lot of men who say, "you can be my partner in crime" and "I want to have a long term relationship", they'll say romantic ideas and say how they like to cuddle and all I can think is how pissed off their making me and how stupid their ideas are. I don't know why I feel like this, but for ME this is a sign that I SHOULD NOT be dating right now. So, I am focusing on finishing up my school and my career. I need to love me first and hopefully someday, Ill be able to appreciate what men tell me.

Hope this helps and good luck!

MiSSsy111222
Feb 14, 2009, 03:48 PM
In my opinion...You are not emotionally available.

It is funny how when he are not interested in the opposite sex...they are drawn to us..however if we are looking for a relationship..no one seems to be interested. Funny how that works..People always want what they cannot have.

I would follow your heart and be true to yourself and if you think you are not ready then do not feel obligated to meet him. He will ultimately respect that you are upfront with him and not leading him on. Be prepared, he will probably try harder since men are hunters but stick to your guns! I wish you the best in moving on! :-)


That is true, I've had more offers now than ever! Thanks for the advice.

talaniman
Feb 15, 2009, 10:36 AM
Commit to STRICT NO CONTACT OF ANY FASHION, or stay miserable and be mad at yourself.

When you get those urges, get up and find something else to do.

De4rest
Feb 15, 2009, 02:21 PM
Just block him and delete him from your contact. Then, you won't have the urges to contact him anymore.

MiSSsy111222
Feb 16, 2009, 04:58 AM
I wish that worked, I keep unblocking and deleting to talk! Like I said my will power is weak

kctiger
Feb 16, 2009, 06:57 AM
I have to be honest. I think the only way people truly commit to it (being as stubborn as I am), is to find out first hand how much it hurts to constantly break it, then you learn from your own pain...

Not clear enough? I probably broke NC at least 5-8 times... at LEAST. Finally, I got tired of running into a brick wall, and just decided to stick to it, once an for all.

Sometimes, you just have to learn from your mistakes, even if you make them over and over again. Eventually, your head takes over, and you will come out on top.

zeeniee
Feb 16, 2009, 08:27 AM
NC at the start can be very hard to do... I too broke it a few times and all that happened is I got more pain... eventually I learnt the beauty of NC and one day started the GOLDEN NC and I have kept it so far. I am now much more stronger with keeping NC as I know how important it is- of course there will be days where you wish you can email, text or just hear the ex's voice... guess the whole thing is like a yo- yo, eventually the yo-yo will stop.

MiSSsy111222
Feb 16, 2009, 09:43 AM
It is like a yo yo! Il be strong for days then all of a sudden I panic. My mind tricks me to think it won't hurt to be friends, and then I'm kicking myself for hurting all over again.

Does anyone think its possible to be friends with an ex in the future?

kctiger
Feb 16, 2009, 09:47 AM
it is like a yo yo! il be strong for days then all of a sudden i panic. my mind tricks me to think it wont hurt to be friends, and then im kicking myself for hurting all over again.

does anyone think its possible to be friends with an ex in the future?

It is possible, but once you are truly over this, I don't even think it will cross your mind. Until you get over the hump, you always think that eventually the two of you will be friends... at the end of the road (at least for me), it really isn't something you will consider, or think about, as you will really become indifferent to the whole situation.

MiSSsy111222
Feb 23, 2009, 05:09 PM
I don't know how to explain how I feel. I've had NC with the EX for nearly three weeks now. I'm feeling better, I feel like I'm getting myself back. I have got my friends back, I have a social life and I can genuinly smile. Then I stumble across a messange my EX has written for another girl. He told her he loves her. This has got me angry and frustrated. I feel so much hate inside. This is the guy who only a few weeks ago was saying he didn't want to be with anyone. He was willling to meet up with me for benefits! Which I didn't do. I feel sorry for this poor girl. How can a man lie so easily. I've been thanking god that he isn't in my life anymore. Tonight I'm not going to be able to sleep.

Is he using this girl? How can he love her so quick. This has made me think of him differently. I hate him at the moment and I hope this feeling stays so it can kill any hope that's left inside me. It changes the whole situation of the break up. I had suspition about this already, and now its been confirmed. How can I deal with this?

Any advice?

neverme
Feb 23, 2009, 06:25 PM
'Get fu*ked'

That's all you can think.

I'm going through the same things with my ex, she's with another girl and there's pics on bebo of them and it's horrible, but there are only 2 options:

Option 1: He really does think he loves this girl, and therefore has no real idea what love is because if he did there is no way he could learn to love and trust again so easily after a relationship.

Option 2: He doesn't really love her and is just cruelly using her as a rebound.

You have to remember it is very easy to transfer emotions when you have been in a long term relationship and head feet first into the next one. They seem great because it is so easy and you are the big horrible b*tch who held his hand for the last X amount of years.


Eh... anyway rant over. LOL

But you get what I'm saying, it doesn't matter whether it's option a or option b, it's not your problem.



Just an aside, how did you manage to 'come across' this text?

If you broke NC and found it by snooping then you can see where you've already made two major mistakes! Come on you only put yourself through pain when you do this.

It's up to you to heal yourself now, your not his issue and he's not yours.

chuff
Feb 23, 2009, 06:34 PM
Read the sticky's on getting over an ex. Realize also, that your feelings for him could not be returned in the same manner so the break up, while it stings now is for the future good of your life.

MiSSsy111222
Feb 24, 2009, 03:05 AM
I did accidentally come across this. I stopped using my MSN account to avoid him, however I needed to check my emails and the home page came up with statues updates. Aghhhh I had a terrible nights sleep!

Its funny how a few little words changes things

kctiger
Feb 24, 2009, 06:40 AM
You need to seriously get away from all of the "stumbling" that you do... it doesn't matter what he does, and the random questions that make you analyze all of his actions are an EXTREME waste of your time.

3 weeks of NC is nothing, really. Hell, it takes 2 weeks just to start getting into a habit, let alone that habit doing you any good. I found that the first month of NC was all about me just getting out of my rhythm of calling her, or talking to her... I didn't really start to feel better about myself until I built a busy life, with minimal contact with anything surrounding her...

It will take you a lot longer than 3 weeks to feel comfortable with "stumbling" onto any kind of contact with him.

talaniman
Feb 24, 2009, 07:00 AM
Its normal for old feelings to be stirred, but you have to push on, and stay off his accounts.

MiSSsy111222
Feb 24, 2009, 07:16 AM
Trust me this was an accident. If I really wanted to know about his life I would just ask him! I know three weeks is not long and I'm still not over it, but I am making myself move on by changing my life. I was sick of not living so I am working on myself. My intentions was not to check up on him. Its none of my business what he does now, vice versa, however I've been having urges to find out. People please advice me as to WHY this is a bad idea. I already no it is bad, I just need some back up to keep me going!

LoveStoned
Feb 24, 2009, 07:54 AM
And these are his true colors. Stay away from all myspace, Facebook, bebo... etc... You will heal faster and you will not be tempted to wonder or stumble across hurtful info. I'm in the same situation as you... read my posts...


https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental-emotional-health/should-give-ex-more-time-should-move-281948.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/ex-just-suddenly-started-ignoring-me-why-296723.html

Exact thing.

Do not read any messages he send you... DELETE... DELETE... DELETE..! He will say things that you want to hear but it will not be in your favor. One month later NC and I'm realizing my ex really wasn't the one for me... thats why I left. If he is stringing you along while with another girl, it doesn't sound like he's any good either... (Like I said I was in the same situation)!! You try to want to work things out and they take complete advantage. He's a control freak... EWWH

UnluckyDucky
Feb 24, 2009, 08:05 AM
RESIST THE URGE!

Don't do it! Bad idea, bad! No good can come of you knowing what he's up to. Finding out about our ex before we have fully healed is very similar to picking the scab of a healing wound. It ultimately takes much longer to heal than if we had just left it alone. Having him out of sight, out of mind is the way to go so you can heal your heart faster with minimal scarring.

Stay strong and resist that urge, it's the best thing you can do for yourself right now.

MiSSsy111222
Feb 24, 2009, 08:14 AM
Its been 4months since the break up, so I shouldn't really complain. However we were together last month. He says he doesn't want a relationship with anyone. Why couldn't he just be man enough to tell me the truth? I know he only see's me in a sexual way now. He has made this clear. At first I confused this with him wanting me. Now I know he is a user. He was using me. And if he loved this girl surely he wouldn't want to have benefits with me?

neverme
Feb 24, 2009, 08:19 AM
Then it's been one month since you broke up, for you. You invested emotion in him again and that begins a new, different and harmful relationship for ye.

Get a gmail account, that way you have no reason to go on anything he can be updating?

Like I said in an earlier post it's either option 1 or 2, doesn't matter NOT YOUR CONCERN!

MiSSsy111222
Feb 24, 2009, 08:34 AM
RESIST THE URGE!

Don't do it! Bad idea, bad! No good can come of you knowing what he's up to. Finding out about our ex before we have fully healed is very similar to picking the scab of a healing wound. It ultimately takes much longer to heal than if we had just left it alone. Having him out of sight, out of mind is the way to go so you can heal your heart faster with minimal scarring.

Stay strong and resist that urge, its the best thing you can do for yourself right now.


Yes its true. I already know it. Some times I need a kick up the butt! I like comparing my ex to a scab.:)

MiSSsy111222
Mar 3, 2009, 10:53 AM
Hi everyone.

Im still healing after my break up four months ago. The pain is still raw, I'm trying not to let it consume me, however its on my mind everyday. I'm keeping busy with college, exams and seeing my friends. Even when I am busy its at the back of my mind. My close friends say that they can see that something is bothering me. And the truth is it still is. On the outside I'm acting normal, people think I'm back to my usual self but on the inside my heart still aches. I find myself being over emotional too.

Would anyone like to share there stories of how they are healing/how long it took or how they finally got over it?

kctiger
Mar 3, 2009, 10:55 AM
You can feel free to look up the threads I have started for my back story...

I am on month... five right now. Doing pretty good. I am a world of difference from what I was in October, when I first came on here.

Just takes time, and being proactive in finding fun things in your life is also a key. Don't worry about the time, worry about what you do with the time... that's what matters.

MiSSsy111222
Mar 3, 2009, 11:07 AM
I am in a better place now, even from before I was with him. Life seems a lot more brighter in some sense. But its still on my mind a lot. I can be busy and BAM it hits me. The same with waking up in the morning, I get a few minutes of peace until it hits again.

Sometimes I feel like the fool because I'm in pain whilst he carries on as normal.

ashmonster81506
Mar 3, 2009, 11:20 AM
1. Do everything possible that will let you get your mind/heart off him and when you start thinking of him again, do something else.

2. you could always call him and talk to him about it, and see how he feels? Maybe he's living with it the same way you are? Maybe he will give you another chance? Or the other way around. Then again, I don't know what caused the breakup or anything.

But just try to go shopping, play sports, or something fun, where you have to think about what you're doing at the moment, and not about him. I know its hard, but just "think outside the box", and think of how things have changed for the better in the past 5 months for you, and just think positive. Not negative.

I hope my advice helps..

kctiger
Mar 3, 2009, 11:21 AM
1. do everything possible that will let you get your mind/heart off of him and when you start thinking of him again, do something else.

2. you could always call him and talk to him about it, and see how he feels? maybe he's living with it the same way you are? maybe he will give you another chance? or the other way around. then again, i dont know what caused the breakup or anything.
but just try to go shopping, play sports, or something fun, where you have to think about what youre doing at the moment, and not about him. i know its hard, but just "think outside the box", and think of how things have changed for the better in the past 5 months for you, and just think positive. not negitive.

i hope my advice helps..

I think this would be an all around poor idea...

MiSSsy111222
Mar 3, 2009, 11:25 AM
I think this would be an all around poor idea...


I agree as well. NC is NC. Calling him would kill me inside. And the embarrassment

MiSSsy111222
Mar 3, 2009, 11:29 AM
1. do everything possible that will let you get your mind/heart off of him and when you start thinking of him again, do something else.

2. you could always call him and talk to him about it, and see how he feels? maybe he's living with it the same way you are? maybe he will give you another chance? or the other way around. then again, i dont know what caused the breakup or anything.

but just try to go shopping, play sports, or something fun, where you have to think about what youre doing at the moment, and not about him. i know its hard, but just "think outside the box", and think of how things have changed for the better in the past 5 months for you, and just think positive. not negitive.

i hope my advice helps..

Every bit of advice helps. I think I'm so used to thinking about him it just happens nautrally. One minute I think the sun shines out of his A*** and the next I hate him. But eitha way I'm still thinking about the situation.

Good advice. Thanks:)

ashmonster81506
Mar 3, 2009, 11:47 AM
I'm sorry my advice was poor. I didn't really word it right. But anyway I hope you find advice that actually helps. It is very hard getting over someone.

MiSSsy111222
Mar 3, 2009, 12:14 PM
im sorry my advice was poor. i didnt really word it right. but anyways i hope you find advice tht actually helps. it is very hard getting over someone.


No it was not poor. It just that going back to contact would set me back. Thank you again

Romefalls19
Mar 3, 2009, 12:23 PM
You can feel free to read my story or Sneezy's(his is excellant) for how we did during our break up but it was a long recovery process

MiSSsy111222
Mar 7, 2009, 03:11 AM
Threads merged.


Hello people.

Just a little question for you. I'm dreading the day I see my ex, we live in the same town so I know it will happen sooner or later. I am really really not looking forward to this moment especially if it happens anytime soon as I'm not over it yet. I actully feel nervous when I go out just because there is a chance I could see him.

What is the best way to approach this when it happens. I play it out in my mind of what could happen. Its actully driving me nuts.

arnimal7
Mar 7, 2009, 03:26 AM
Hi Missy, I understand where you are coming from being that you aren't quite over him and the relationship yet. The fact is, you both live in the same town, so instead of beating yourself up over it, I think you should play it calm and cool if you should run into him. Odds are you most likely will. So try to keep it together. This too shall pass. Good luck

neverme
Mar 7, 2009, 05:33 AM
Ok, when you think of it you have to actively and consciously change what you are thinking of, over thinking it will only make it worse, it cannot better the situation in the slightest.


Now when you meet him as you are walking up the road, let's say, minding your own business, then you see him and drop to the floor, tears flooding, begin to beat your breast and wail 'HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME??' through the hiccups and sobs...



No only joking, but come on you know what you have to do, preferably look drop dead gorgeous, then just a casual 'hey' and keep going.

No need for any more. :)

talaniman
Mar 7, 2009, 08:36 AM
Polite, casual, brief. Hi and bye! Busy, and unavailable for idle chit-chat!! Keep it simple, and don't be drawn into long, catch up conversations.

MiSSsy111222
Mar 7, 2009, 11:19 AM
I know when this does happen it will be a horrible experience. When I do go out I'm on look out. I also plan it out in my head of what I will say. These stupid fantasys never stop.

This is a sure sign of me not being over him.

plonak
Mar 7, 2009, 02:05 PM
Missy you are doing all the right things. By moving on, keeping yourself busy and so on.. but you have to be patient with yourself.. you're grieving a loss, significant one and it's not just going to stop hurting easily, it's a process..

Everyday that goes by you're one step closer to being healed.. that should give you some solace I think.. it will eventually stop hurting.. but take the pain in a when it arises and process it.. but don't let it in too long.. when you've had enough, go distract yourself..

I am still suffering heartbreak from 6 months ago.. and I didn't even know it until I actually stopped and asked myself why I felt so $hitty.. we are all different in how we process pain, so don't compare yourself and just be patient.. good luck

talaniman
Mar 7, 2009, 04:00 PM
Talaniman Rule #42- Don't worry about things you have no control over.

mintah50
Mar 7, 2009, 05:02 PM
Well funny thing is I'm still healing today also . It hard to say on a two month relatioship that I thought would go far I'm still hanging on it. I very hard because I would think I got over it by now but I haven't at all. I also haven't seen him in three months so we ened on a bad note but I guess time will tell. And I'm going all the right things to get over it.I think about how I won't go back to him anymore cause I couldnot let myself go through that . Also I do place improve on my life. I also look how my life changed for the better without him.

mintah50
Mar 7, 2009, 05:04 PM
I am in a better place now, even from before i was with him. life seems alot more brighter in some sense. But its still on my mind alot. i can be busy and BAM it hits me. the same with waking up in the morning, i get a few minutes of peace until it hits again.

sometimes i feel like the fool because im in pain whilst he carries on as normal.

I agree it been happening to me today and yesterday

MiSSsy111222
Mar 8, 2009, 03:43 AM
Talaniman Rule #42- Don't worry about things you have no control over.


Maybe worrying about it is no good, but I would like to be prepared for it so when the times comes I can be strong.

MiSSsy111222
Mar 8, 2009, 03:53 AM
Well funny thing is im still healing today also . It hard to say on a two month relatioship that i thought would go far im still hanging on it. I very hard because i would think i got over it by now but i havnt at all. I also havnt seen him in three months so we ened on a bad note but i guess time will tell. And im going all the right things to get over it.I think about how i wont go back to him anymore cause i couldnot let myself go through that . Also i do place improve on my life. I also look how my life changed for the better without him.

Believe it or not breaking up can be a blessing in disguise. Mine was a blessing, even no I didn't want it to end I see all the positive outcomes. My life is better. Its just dealing with the dissapointment that is hard. For you not to want to go back to him is a positive step, it shows you know what you want. Same with me I don't miss the relationship at all but I took it hard because I had high expectations of what could have been. One day the healing will be over, and the only thing that will be left is a more improved version of ourselves.

mintah50
Mar 8, 2009, 01:39 PM
believe it or not breaking up can be a blessing in disguise. mine was a blessing, even no i didnt want it to end i see all the positive outcomes. my life is better. its just dealing with the dissapointment that is hard. for you not to want to go back to him is a positive step, it shows you know what you want. same with me i dont miss the relationship at all but i took it hard because i had high expectations of what could have been. one day the healing will be over, and the only thing that will be left is a more improved version of ourselves.


I fully understand what your saying , even though it hard to accept that the oucome is a blessing and we will both heal together in a good way.

chuff
Mar 8, 2009, 03:41 PM
I think it depends on the person and the time in there life, and the person they were seeing. I've had break ups from long relationships where I was happy to be out of it, and I've had break ups from short relationships where I couldn't forget the girl for a long time. In the end though, eventually they all wind up in the past.

_Someone_
Mar 8, 2009, 10:06 PM
Hey MiSSsy111222 it has been more than 3 months NC now for me.I think you can remember me 3 months ago.you were the first one who answered my first post so I can remember you so well.
If you need help for healing you have something that helps you so much. As I have read from your other posts you are a muslim girl. Isn't it enough for you to move on?
Your boyfriend broke up with you? Don't take it as it was his decision because it was not. Take it as your destiny. Everyone has a destiny and nobody can do anything to change it. Take things as they come and be thankfull to Allah for everything.he is the best Judge.
I'm a muslim too and that is what is helping me.I made up my mind that it is my destiny and that's it.I can do nothing to change it.inshallah it helps you.
I apologize to the guys reading this post.I don't want to turn it into religion but this helped me and I want to help her too.
Take care of yourself.

MiSSsy111222
Mar 9, 2009, 04:24 AM
hey MiSSsy111222 it has been more than 3 months NC now for me.i think you can remember me 3 months ago.you were the first one who answered my first post so i can remember you so well.
if you need help for healing you have something that helps you so much. as i have read from your other posts you are a muslim girl. isnt it enough for you to move on?
your boyfriend broke up with you? dont take it as it was his decison because it was not. take it as your destiny. everyone has a destiny and nobody can do anything to change it. take things as they come and be thankfull to Allah for everything.he is the best Judge.
im a muslim too and that is what is helping me.i made up my mind that it is my destiny and thats it.i can do nothing to change it.inshallah it helps you.
I apologize to the guys reading this post.i dont want to turn it into religion but this helped me and i want to help her too.
Take care of yourself.

Hi yes I remember you well. It sounds to me like your doing well. I'm happy for you. I understand that allah has a plan for me and you. And this has happened for a reason. I can see all the positive out of this situation and I have actully been thanking and praying to allah as he is the all knowing and wise. I guess sometimes we get wrapped up in our problem and we don't look at it overall. This is more than enough for me to move on.its just sometimes hard.

Thank for your advice _someone_ I really appreciate it. Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh

pinkberry8
Mar 11, 2009, 02:05 PM
Hi, thanks for answering my post and motivating me to be stronger. I definitely understand how you feel as well. I think everything does happen for a reason. Now at least you know that he wasn't even worth your time and didn't deserve your love. It's good that he's gone sooner than later. You'll get through this inshallah.

MiSSsy111222
Mar 11, 2009, 03:15 PM
Hi, thanks for answering my post and motivating me to be stronger. I definitely understand how you feel as well. I think everything does happen for a reason. Now at least you know that he wasn't even worth your time and didnt deserve your love. It's good that he's gone sooner than later. You'll get through this inshallah.

Your welcome, it nice to be able to give advice. Keep strong too. We can only go up! Thank you for the encouragment

MiSSsy111222
Mar 20, 2009, 11:54 AM
Today was the day I saw the ex face to face. I thought it was going to be a terrible experience, however it was not. I don't think he recognized me at first because my appearance has changed a lot. There was no talk, no chit chat just a smile and kept on walking. Just like strangers. But that is what we are now, he doesn't know the new improved me and I don't really know him anymore.

It amazes me what time can do and how much people can change. Seeing him hasn't effected me as much as I thought it would, my heart flutted abit and it made me think about him, but I was prepared for it. There was no break down! No tears!

I admit I'm not 100% recovered, but I'm definitely on my way, I'm feeling much better about the situation. It took along time for the clouds to be lifted but now I see the sun, hear the birds sing and I realise that life is good and it goes on. He will always be special because he is my first, and like he said to me cherish the good memories.

Having NC has made me realize that I had to forgive him for the hurt he caused me, because if I'm angry and hate him how do I expect to move on? Forgiveness is a key to moving on. I understand that letting negative feelings consume me is no good. I only want to wish him good health and happiness in life.

Just a little update for you peeps :)

what2do27
Mar 20, 2009, 12:39 PM
Today was the day i saw the ex face to face. i thought it was going to be a terrible experience, however it was not. i dont think he recognized me at first because my appearance has changed alot. There was no talk, no chit chat just a smile and kept on walking. Just like strangers. but that is what we are now, he doesnt know the new improved me and i dont really know him anymore.

It amazes me what time can do and how much people can change. Seeing him hasnt effected me as much as i thought it would, my heart flutted abit and it made me think about him, but i was prepared for it. there was no break down! no tears!.

I admit im not 100% recovered, but im definitely on my way, im feeling much better about the situation. it took along time for the clouds to be lifted but now i see the sun, hear the birds sing and i realise that life is good and it goes on. He will always be special because he is my first, and like he said to me cherish the good memories.

Having NC has made me realize that i had to forgive him for the hurt he caused me, because if im angry and hate him how do i expect to move on? forgiveness is a key to moving on. i understand that letting negative feelings consume me is no good. i only want to wish him good health and happiness in life.

just a little update for you peeps :)

For some reason I love reading your post.
They inspired me today.
Thank you,
Gerry

MiSSsy111222
Mar 20, 2009, 12:45 PM
For some reason I love reading your post.
They inspired me today.
Thank you,
Gerry

No thank you for saying that I inspired you!

talaniman
Mar 20, 2009, 02:01 PM
I love happy endings.

MiSSsy111222
Mar 21, 2009, 10:47 AM
I wouldn't say it is a happy ending... Yet Once I'm fully healed and 100% happy then it's a happy ending!

what2do27
Mar 21, 2009, 11:04 AM
I wouldnt say it is a happy ending .........Yet Once im fully healed and 100% happy then its a happy ending!

And then a new beginning.

heartbroke
Mar 21, 2009, 01:17 PM
Think of the reasons you broke up in the first place. I don't care much for my ex anymore, I almost proposed to her and she led me to believe we were in love, when in fact I was probably just a rebound to raise her insecurities and morale. Recently I made her feel like the "horrbile morbid person" she really is by telling her how she treated me and after that I felt great that she did me a favor by breaking up with me. Her life is full of deceit, drama and misery and it will always be that way because of the shallow person she is. Its one less person in my life I have to worry about now. So point of the story is don't break NC, but someone here told me everything that bothered you about your ex or things you may have not liked but accepted and look at that list every time you think about him. I usually breathe deeply and say "I dont need you, im better than you, you treated me like crap and you dont deserve me." Not necessarely advice but the things I did to get over it.

MiSSsy111222
Apr 4, 2009, 06:49 AM
I don't know what's up with me, I'm tempted to break NC, I don't think I will go ahead with it, but the temptation is there. I've been in NC for around about 2months, not sure I don't count the days, I found doing this drags it out.

I'm abroad visiting my family and there is no one my age to talk to, I guess I'm missing home. It is my ex's birthday today aswel so its double temptation.

I don't want to break NC as all my efforts would have been in vain. Also my pride is stopping me.

Any wise words to overcome this stupid urge as its getting stronger?

chuff
Apr 4, 2009, 07:30 AM
it is my ex's birthday today aswel so its double temptation.

I dont want to break NC as all my efforts would have been in vain. also my pride is stopping me.

Any wise words to overcome this stupid urge as its getting stronger?


It's his birthday so thoughts of him naturally are going to come up. But it's also a sort of mental test because this is the last birthday you'll be thinking about him so if you can just get through the day, you'll have reached a mountain top so to speak and it should get easier with nothing else staring you in the face to remind yourself of him.

MiSSsy111222
Apr 4, 2009, 08:10 AM
It's his birthday so thoughts of him naturally are going to come up. But it's also a sort of mental test because this is the last birthday you'll be thinking about him so if you can just get through the day, you'll have reached a mountain top so to speak and it should get easier with nothing else staring you in the face to remind yourself of him.

I hope this is the last birthday I think of him, I hope I'm not in this same state of mind next year. I still have the memories for reminders that I have to face . But yeah your right today is a test.

talaniman
Apr 4, 2009, 08:52 AM
Instead of thinking of his birthday, go do something good for yourself, like indulge in a foot massage, or don't females gossip, and pal around, at the hair salon?

Come on be honest, no female can sit that long in one place, and not engage in their favorite pastime. No matter how loud those hair dryers are.

MiSSsy111222
Apr 4, 2009, 09:05 AM
Instead of thinking of his birthday, go do something good for yourself, like indulge in a foot massage, or don't females gossip, and pal around, at the hair salon??

Come on be honest, no female can sit that long in one place, and not engage in their favorite pastime. No matter how loud those hair dryers are.

I would do some of these things but I'm not at home, I'm visiting my family in another country, I don't know anyone here but my realitives and none of them are young, or gossip!

MiSSsy111222
May 17, 2009, 04:50 AM
Okay people its been a while since I last asked for your advice. I would like to say thanks to everyone for helping me in my time of need! Hopefully this will be my last question on this topic.

Okay so here goes. Me and the ex have been split since last year, nc for about 4 months I think. I have healed a lot by taking up the good advice on here. However I have moved on, I have forgiven but not forgotten. I guess betrayal is hard to get over. I have different periods where I think about it a lot, and other times I don't care. I find myself with stupid fantasies (we are not together in them) but stupid one's where I'm walking down the street and he is there, he notices and of course I'm looking good and happy. Its like I want to prove to him that my life does go and I can be happy without him. I know these fantasies are pulling me back and I think this is my only downfall.

Is this normal:confused:??

shazamataz
May 17, 2009, 05:39 AM
I thought I saw my ex walking down the street or in a shop for months after we broke up... I even got a bit of a flutter in my stomach when I thought he was there.
I'm assuming it is relatively normal and for me it eventually went away when I found my current partner... now when I think I've seen him I don't get the 'flutter' anymore, I get the "oh please let him see me happy with someone else" feeling :)

I wish
May 17, 2009, 05:50 AM
I think it's a normal feeling. I've had this feeling so many times. It just means that we still have some recovering to do because we haven't completely healed yet. Just keep giving yourself more time. These fantasies are just a phase and it will pass with time.

You will know that you are over him when you don't care what he thinks anymore.

MiSSsy111222
Dec 1, 2009, 12:32 PM
Merged and edited

The ex has got back in touch with me, this is the second time he has been in contact with me. The first time was a couple of months ago apologising for his bad behaviour.. he soon dissappeared. Now he is back but face to face. I bumped into him and we had a long conversation. He seemed mature and he explained everything. Like a fool I believed that he was telling the truth, after this chat he admitted that had done the wrong thing and that he misses everything about me and our relationship. We talked for a long time and all I could remember was the good times- basically I forgave him. He said after how he wanted to kiss me and he said some other sweet words. Now this is where it gets even more complicated, he is engaged to another girl, he has denied it constantly, I have even asked him 4-5 times... now I feel like a fool because I easily let him back into my life. I will admit seeing him has stirred old feelings back, but I also have recognised that he is not the one for me.

I feel like this boy is going out of his way to hurt me and to drag me down with the constant lies. I don't understand why he keeps telling lies to me, I'm not his girlfriend anymore.

Since the break up I have been very successful. I had moved on, gone to uni, got my own place made great friends and I was very happy, I think he saw this and didn't like it. I want to cut him back out of my life but I don't want to be too harsh on him... its not his fault that he is a loser! However I will be seeing him around more often and I don't want any negative feelings between us, this is why I don't want to break contact with him in a bad way.

Basically my question is does anyone have any general advice about his behaviour and how do I cut the contact with him?

Devorameira
Dec 1, 2009, 12:51 PM
I think you're going to have to bluntly tell him that you aren't interested in a relationship with him. Looks to me like he'd like to have his cake and eat it too, but luckily you've seen through the lies. I wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings - he needs to accept responsibility for his own actions. Run, don't walk, away from him! If you have to change your phone number do it....whatever it takes.

Imabadman
Dec 1, 2009, 12:56 PM
If it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right. No need to make excuses for him or yourself.

And yes it is his fault that he's a loser. He's in control of his actions and his behavior. No one else. So if he is as you say a loser, it's by his doing no one else.

As far as telling him... be honest. Tell him you feel he has lied to you and that's unacceptable. Done.

MiSSsy111222
Dec 1, 2009, 01:09 PM
Thank you for your quick replys. Im trying not to let this bother me but it is. I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut with this situation. I still have feelings for him and it is bothering me that he has come back into my life when I was doing so well.

I need to kick him out of my life but I'm unsure as to how I can doit. I don't want any drama or arguments with him. The last thing I want to do is show him that he can still get to me. I honestly feel like a fool for accepting him back into my life so easily.

When we last spoke I really enjoyed his company and I thought that he has matured. This was until it was confirmed by his family member that he is in fact engaged. Now I realise that he could have been lying to me about a number of things. I don't understand his way of thinking.

Devorameira
Dec 1, 2009, 01:31 PM
I know that it'd be hard, but I really think you're going to have to be blunt and tell him you don't want a relationship with him. We all like to avoid drama and arguments, but there are times that it's necessary. Don't you think it'd be better to suffer through a few minutes of drama and get your life back than to suffer on and on in a relationship that you don't want to be in? Stand up to him - you need to be the one in control.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional - M. Kathleen Casey

Imabadman
Dec 1, 2009, 02:09 PM
Could you maybe have been reading into his intentions about his contacting you? Was he saying that he wanted to date/see you? Or are you thinking this?

I understand he said he misses you... well I miss all of my past EX's too. From what I read he sounds remorseful and guilty. So don't read into too much, what were his actions?

Regardless... he lied.

talaniman
Dec 1, 2009, 02:24 PM
Accept no calls, or texts, from him, and when you bump into him, out, and about, keep it very brief, and be unavailable for long conversations besides hi, and bye. That gives him no time to lie, or feel you can be approached.

Unavailable and busy, will give your power back, and if he persist, just call him a liar, and tell him to leave you alone. Eventually even the dumbest loser gets the hint, so stand up for yourself, and take no more bull from him.

MiSSsy111222
Dec 1, 2009, 04:16 PM
Could you maybe have been reading into his intentions about his contacting you? Was he saying that he wanted to date/see you? Or are you thinking this?

I understand he said he misses you... well I miss all of my past EX's too. From what I read he sounds remorseful and guilty. So don't read into too much, what were his actions?

Regardless... he lied.

He said he wanted to kiss me, to me that means something else. He seems to have forgotten that he is engaged.

He hasn't said he wants a relationship with me, he is just talking about our relationship and saying inapropiate things as he is with someone else.