I am 23 years old, and cannot get myself to stop loving my ex. It has been three years now, and I tell myself that I am over him, but I still think of him every day. I know that it was true love, what we had.
We fell in love when we were both 19 - almost 20. I had known him for 2 years before then as a friend, and always liked him from first sight. He admitted that he had always liked me too.
I dated a guy before him for 4 years and I never felt the heartache after our breakup, as I did with this breakup.
I think I made things worse because I couldn't accept his breakup. I kept calling him, showing up at his house, all the time thinking that he would change his mind and see that I loved him. He just drifted further and further away from me. He changed his phone number two times, and avoided every single phone call or text from me. He didn't even acknowledge me when I would run into him in public. I saw him six months ago and my heart dropped in my chest. I literally felt nauseous, and I feel that way every time I see him, like my heart is in knots.

I feel like I ruined any chances for us to get back together, because I was so clingy for the first year after our breakup, I just couldn't let go!

Anyway, I know I still love him, and I still have this unhealthy dream that he will change his mind one day and come back to me.
When he broke up with me, he told me it was because we were too young. We wanted to get married, and planned on marrying each other the next year.
He told me he needed to work on himself first, and that he would come back to me when we were older.
I still have this hope that he will come back.

What should I do? Will I EVER stop loving him/caring about him?
I have tried everything, I just feel like it is never going to go away!

There are relationships that leave a huge imprint on your heart and I don't think you ever quit thinking about 'what might have been'. I do think that we sometimes look back and only focus on the good and forget about what was wrong with the relationship. Maybe if you try concentrating on the bad, such as him breaking up with you, things wouldn't look quite as rosy and that loving feeling may fade.

I hate to sound negative and sound like there's no hope for you, but I have to say that I still feel the same way about my ex from 21 years ago. I don't think of him every minute of the day, but at least once or twice a day. :o Good luck!

Hi Sweety,
I really feel for you! I can certainly understand that chemistry you feel towards him. It grips your entire being. You did not mention why you guys broke up. He did say he's too young. I just have to be honest here and say that it looks like he's moved on. He wants to be free and experience life and not feel tied down right now. It is not right that you are waiting around until he's worn out from experiencing life or whatever.

Try not to feel bad about how you reacted (the clinging and not letting go) It is difficult to restrain the heart. You gave it a shot and did not get the results you had hoped for. You will get over him. It will take time but you will get over it.

My advice is don't stay home sulking. Go out with friends. He will keep popping into your head but at one of these outings, you meet someone else. The important thing is to try to stay social. It is great that you put your post on this site to get some support. Another thing that helps is keeping a journal. I keep journals and I read past journals to check on my progress on certain things. If I see the same "issue" the following year (or some months) not worked out, I get into full gear to "get over it" or do something about it.

It will take a little time but you will move on. Don't sit around waiting for him. You might miss out on a really great relationship with a better guy. Good luck! :)

Could you be waiting for him to come back??

Maybe applying NC should be a good start. You're doing something wrong somewhere.

Find someone new to hang with, friends go to the bar or something. Just a male to speak with on a personal level that you don't know very well because I have found out that long time friends seems to be a little judge mental and that's not good.

Don't allow yourself to stay stuck anylonger. It's been a long time and I think you realise that he's moved on a long time ago.
Let your head rule your heart and make a firm decision that you're going to get over him.
Date other guys,get a busy social life and find happiness again.

Thank you all for being so supportive!
I wish I should have joined this group from the beginning, instead of suffering for the first two years in pain.

I feel like I am past the "heartbreak" period, but I still know that I love him, and I think of him everyday.
I just wish I could stop loving him, and move on to someone else. But I don't see myself with anyone else!
He was absolutely perfect for me - in every way.
And when I say we were in love, we were. It wasn't that he didn't love me - so I don't understand why he broke things off really, except for the fact that he said he needed to "work on himself" in order to be a good husband for me someday.
The way he rationalized it was - no contact with me because it was too painful.

The one problem I didn't mention was that I think lead to our breakup was the fact that he discovered he was bipolar.
He was then placed on medication, and completely changed for the worst - became numb and unemotional.
I keep thinking that once he stops or changes medication he will "come back to his old self" again.

paxe-
I have had absolutely no contact whatsoever with him for the past 3 years.
Even when I run into him in public places (we still share some of the same friends) he doesn't speak much to me.

I almost think that moving away from our town would be good for me. It just seems that every now and again a friend will speak about him, or what he is doing, and it drives me back into this emotional whirlwind again.

You are right Sarah, your old feelings keep getting stirred about and even though you have had no formal contact or conversation, seeing him keeps him on your mind. That's one of the problems of mutual friends presents.

Another thing I pick up is your assumptions on how he feels about you, which are dangerous to you. For whatever reason he broke up, the bottom line is always HIS feelings changed, and he no longer wants what you want. He may be dealing with his own issues, and that's fine, but never, ever assume the feelings of others, only what they do about them, and his action was to break off with you, and deal with the reality of HIS life without you in it, rather than go through it with you.

Stop assuming his feelings from his words, (and stirred up emotions, that keep those feelings fresh, and upfront) and accept his actions as the key to his real feelings.

Build a new life that makes you happy, even if it means NEW friends, and activities you enjoy.

You have put this relationship on a pedestal.. not the man,the relationship.. it has become iconic in the mind,and a massive road block to your healing...

You have received nothing from this past relationship,no love,no respect,no comfort,yet you continue to feed the dream.

The self proficiency (sp) that you can't see yourself with anyone else will come come through unless YOU take action.

If after 3 years he has not come back to you,chances are he's not going too... and while you wait,and dream,and pine your life is passing you by,and the happiness that can be yours is just out of your reach because of the emotional road block..

If he was dead,I would understand your feelings,but he's not,he's living his life.. yet your still grieving for a long ago dead relationship... 3 years on!.

Its time to let go.. let those thoughts go,because they don't serve you,let the dream go because it will never be..

Start a new dream,start a new life,and take back the power that this old life has over you...

You can be happy,you can have a fulfilling and loving relationship,but first you have to heal.

I would suggest therapy,or at least talk to a professional,perhaps they can help you answer the questions..

I think that moving away would do you some good. If you can recover from the relationship by staying in familiar places with familiar people, then you're constantly dragging out and resetting the healing process.

I think that taking a more proactive approach into healing is the way to go.

I think that a fresh start in a new environment would definitely help you get over the past more easily.

I don't know if I would pick up and move away because every so often you run into him. Three years is a long time, to still carry that torch. No matter where you go, you will always have the memories. Maybe one day down the road, you might not see it now, but maybe he did you a favor, and there is someone out there even better. Have you allowed yourself to meet new people instead of wallowing in what could have been. First loves always hurt, but in the long run sometime later on, you will be happy again. Good luck.

Thanks again for all of your support, I am feeling so much better now!
I have seriously considered therapy to help me with this, I just haven't done it because I thought I could "work through it myself."
I know the problem is that I am waiting for him to come back to me.
And I should just stop waiting, but I have been scared that he will come back one day and it I will be in some other relationship, and then regret that I hadn't waited for him!
I know it sounds stupid, but I honestly felt like we were going to be together for the rest of our lives.
He isn't dating anyone, and hasn't, so I kept holding on to any hope.

And, I have dated two men since our breakup.
The first one was in love with me, and treated me so kind, but I couldn't get myself to love him. I was honest with him, and he even was patient, and even contacted my ex, in order to try and see if my ex could give me some closure so I could move on! I ended up breaking up with him.
The next guy I dated a year ago for only a month. I feel like I sabotaged the relationship because I still couldn't get my ex out of my head.
There have been several really nice guys that have liked me, and I can't even get myself to be physically attracted to them, or to love them.

I can't tell you how many times I have contacted my ex, to try to get closure so I can move on, but there's nothing.
He just has absolutely NO COMMUNICATION with me, which drove me insane, and left me with this sick sense of hope.

I think another problem why I haven't moved on is that I started to date him the year after my father died of cancer.
My ex made me feel so special and loved, and I guess our relationship gave me so much joy during a period which had previously been heartbreaking and utterly depressing.
Do you think my father's death has any correlation with why I can't move on from my ex?

I think his lack of contact is a real good hint that he has moved on with his life and isn't looking back and your closure will only come when you accept that as a fact.

He may have been there for you in the past, through a very hard time, but that's over with, sorry to say.

Its time to let go, and get beyond this chapter in your life.

I think another problem why I haven't moved on is that I started to date him the year after my father died of cancer.
My ex made me feel so special and loved, and I guess our relationship gave me so much joy during a period of time which had previously been heartbreaking and utterly depressing.
Do you think my father's death has any correlation with why I can't move on from my ex?

I could see this being part of the issue here. He was a sweet friend during a difficult time. That happens you know... people will come into our lives at different times and help us in different ways just as we enter into people's lives at their time of need. He did a very good job of getting you through that rough period.

You have entered into a new stage in your life. It's time to let new people in.

Do you think I should burn or return some items that he gave me?
Would that help in the healing process?

I wouldn't return anything as that would mean seeing him and setting you back again.
As he hasn't asked for the things back why not just give them to a charity shop and any photos,cards etc just bin.
And to answer your question,yes I think it'll help.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I lost both my parents last year, and I definitely think there's a correlation between your loss and how attached you are to this guy. I think counseling might be a big help for you. I went to grief counseling after my parents died. Not only did it help me deal with that, it gave me tools to deal with life in general. I've relied on what I learned often in the last year.

It does sound like he has moved on, so I hope you can do the same. Others have already said this, but it's time for you to build a new life. There are so many possibilities:

-Start dating, if you aren't already.
-Go back to school, which is also a great way to meet a new guy.
-Take up a new sport.
-Get into a workout routine, if you don't already have one. If you do, think about a new one for a change.
-Develop some new interests. I took up gardening in the last year, which also developed my interest in cooking and baking to an even greater level.
-You mentioned moving. How about getting out of town on weekends and exploring other places?
-Read books that will help you develop yourself.
-Develop a life plan, if you don't have one yet. Focus on what you want for yourself and how to go about getting it. Think about school or developing your career, for example.

I think the important thing is to find something to get excited about in your life. Good luck.

Do you think my father's death has any correlation with why I can't move on from my ex?

I don't know, do you?


I almost think that moving away from our town would be good for me...
Do it.



Do you think I should burn or return some items that he gave me?

Burn 'em, definitely.

Burn all his stuff and leave town. Moving isn't extreme, if you believe it is then you'll never do it. You'll feel like you've started over and can finally kick this. Three years? That's a lot of stress to build up, and that can really do a number on your health.

Maybe try putting them in a box and sealing the box up and putting it in your attic or somewhere not easily accesible. Burning items is kind of an extreme but it may help. You don't want to return the items because you don't want to run into him accidentally.

Thanks again to all for your support and help!

You're welcoe Sarah- best of luck to you! Let us know how everything goes.