I am a grown women of 50 this year--mother is still alive and insists we all get together--even though she refuses to have it at her house since my father died 11 years ago. I worked yesterday--on thanksgiving--I am a registered nurse . Hurried like crazy to get all my work done by 3:30 so I could race home pick up my college kids who were home and husband--drive 1 hour away to my sister's house.(she is 47 , married, unable to have children). She sent a month ago invitations to the thanksgiving party--I immediately RSVP to it and left a nice message on their machine--how I looked forward to seeing them and looking at their pictures from their trip to london.-----also that I have to work but will hurry to get there----after I hung up , I realized I did not say what I would bring for food--so I called back and told them I would bring the salad leaving the message again on their answering machine. Well, on the way there I told my family that I was really looking forward to seeing everyone --since I do like my sister husband and he has been sick lately(back to work as a "swat" policemen ).. I walked in the house "hi everyone" --my sister right away attacked me with verbal assault --it was 4:30 and the party started at 2 pm --how dare we show up so late--I said "what?? I left a messages on your machine--twice -that I had to work!"--she yells 'no you didn't-- you didn't your lying"-- my husband just wanted to leave right there--but I sat down--but then the rest of the family acted cold to me--saying how nice my sister does for thanksgiving and "other people" should show respect. my sister kept walking by me huffing and puffing--until I couldn't take it anymore and blew up saying "I CALLED YOU -I AM NOT LYING EVERYONE' My other sister started really yelling at me that I was ruining thanksgiving "look what your doing to your own daughter"--my 20 year old ran over and sat with my mother and the sister who was rude to me. Husband just stood there walked away to the den without saying a word---the only saving grace was my 23 year old son calmly said--"my mother called if she said so--she would not lie about this--your machine must be brokened--so please everyone stop ganging up on her" things settled down for the next 3hours --but today , I am having a hard time talking and being nice to my daughter and husband for not sticking up for me. We do so much for my college daughter --i work hard so she could go to a private college without loans--but look I have to work holdays.! Don't even know how to face christmas at my house with my sister who never really talked to me the rest of the night.--help me peoplef!

So what's specifically your question?

What kind of help are you looking for?

Help dealing with your family? Help talking to your husband and kids about how they made you feel?

I'm sorry that you went through this on Thanksgiving. Maybe next time you should call the other people attending as well, just to make sure that everyone knows that you're working and won't be able to be there on time.

I do wonder why your husband and kids couldn't have gone on ahead of you.

What help Im I looking for?-Just some support that we all deal with difficult family members at the holiday time--and help to deal with them.

Holidays are always hard. Get more then 2 people in a room together and someone is going to leave the party feeling bad. It's just human nature, and a given.

You know your family best, so this is largely up to you.

Personally, if it was me, I'd decline any offers for a Christmas get together, tell everyone that you choose to spend the holidays with your husband and kids in order to avoid offending people like you did on Thanksgiving.

That's just me though. ;)

I'm sorry about the upset for you, but there was a lot of stress and arguing that could have easily been prevented. Knowing how messages get lost (the missing message seems to be the biggest bone of contention), you could have sent both written and phone/email excuses that you would be quite late. Your husband and children could have gone without you so that they were on time. They could have taken the salad with them. Your husband and daughter should not be punished for not sticking up for you when your sister over-reacted big-time.

WOW,don't most of us deal with family situations that is not are ideal situations in our "view"of chrisrtmas.

I see 42 persons looked at my question but did not answer it --wow , what's up, tellme how YOU would help it.

I see 42 persons looked at my question but did not answer it --wow , whats up, tellme how YOU would help it.
No, YOU tell us how you would help it. You know these people (and yourself) a bit better than we do. If you could replay the tape, what would you change, and how would you do things differently?

Wow, never get over the mean people in life.

Wow, never get over the mean people in life.
What part is mean? If you want mean, I could go there too.

Could you have followed up with another confirming message to your sister?

Could she have contacted you and asked why she hadn't heard from you yet?

Why did you family wait for you to come home from work?

Could your family have gone there on time, with you going once you were off work?

Could your family have taken the salad with them if they went early?

Could you all have avoided the drama with all the shouting and arguing about if the message got through or not?

Did you each decide at the end of the day what you were thankful for? (After all, that was the point of the party, being thankful)

Wow, never get over the mean people in life.

I'm beginning to understand your sisters position a bit better.

We volunteer here. Your question wasn't very clear. You basically came here to vent. What is it you want to hear?

It's your family. You know them best.

After the way you've acted here, I'd be willing to go out on a limb and say that I doubt anyone will offer further advice.

I think it's time for you to lighten up a bit, be a bit more gracious when people go out of their way to help you.

Good luck.

Sorry I did not mean to be rude in my last statement--thanks to anyone who took the time to reply to my questions--

This is a situation where you did all the right things. You phoned, twice, left a message. Worked that day, gathered everybody up, got to your sisters place as soon as you could, and walked into an ambush.

I should think that they would have given you the benefit of the doubt that you did leave two messages, and somebody erased them accidentally. If that is normal behaviour for you, then they should understand that you did what you said you did, and the wires got crossed somewhere.

And, I don't know about your house, but I find that generally speaking, when you have large groups of people who are related genetically, something always goes wrong. The littlest thing can bring up the worst in people.

I would be inclined to let it go. Your daughter was probably trying to just calm your sister down, not intentionally not backing you up.

For Christmas, if it is at your house, maybe send an email out to everyone, and if they call with a change of plans, and leave a message on your answering machine, that it will be followed up with a phone call- just to make sure everybody has connected.

Leaving would have been a good idea. In a day of cell phones, instead of drawing all these negative conclusions about non-existent motives, they might have phoned you.

And, knowing you had to work, could they not have served a little later?

I'd suggest an immediate-family-only Thanksgiving next year in your own home. As for your mother, as you said - you are 50. You can and should say "no" if it's this stressful.

I don't know - sounds like there is more going on that meets the eye here - why did your family not ring to find out where you all were if you were 2 and half hours late... and why was your sister so quick to call you a liar?

I suspect the family dynamics are a little more complex than a misunderstanding at a thanksgiving lunch.

Sounds like you had a really hard time. It was unfair of them to yell at you. Next time you get an invitation and end up having to work, I would e-mail everyone....then no one could say they didn't know. Her denying the call put everyone in the middle, which isn't a good place to be.

If they weren't family I would just tell you to not go back, but we have to cope with much more from those we love. I hope your Christmas goes much smoother. :)