OK, so about two months ago, I left my ex after a two and half year relationship filled with pain, fighting and clear unhappiness.
Now I find myself talking to many girls, especially after starting at a new school, but I just don't seem to have anything to say to them, or just how to talk to them. After all this time.. it seems as though I forgot how. Apparently, it isn't like just riding a bike.
Anyway, if anyone has any advice, please let me know :)

Well, from a girl's point of view, when I met guys in college (I'm assuming you are college aged) I liked talking about:

-where they were from
-what they enjoyed doing, such as sports, etc.
-what they were studying and what they wanted to be
-our school's sports teams

Depending on the girl, she'll enjoy talking about current events, pop culture, or something more philosophical. Stick to the things you know and enjoy, which will match you up better to girls with whom you have something in common. After getting the basics, you usually can find something you have in common.

Yea, I am just starting college this year. And maybe you are right about just talking about things I know and enjoy. Although I believe two people in a relationship should have stuff in common, individuality does add a certain je ne sais pas to the relationship.
Thanks!

Still open to anything people can suggest.

I found myself in such situation too. I'd say this is the temporary effect of a real hard breakup. Of course I'm still interested in looking at some girls, but when it comes to talking I just don't feel like it.

That's a sign telling me I'm not ready for any girls right now but it all depends on you whether this temp. behaviour stays long or short.

Im going to piggyback my answer on Just Looking's.

Stick to things you know, things you enjoy. You never want to look at girls and try and determine what they like and what tey want to talk about because then you're not being yourself. You can sit and talk about things she likes but if its no interest to you then it will be harder to find that common ground.

Start with small talk just like Just Looking said. It will develop from there, I promise.

Rick

**Lots of reading, but well worth it. I apologize for the length!
Talking to girls is actually a LOT of fun if you have the right mentality about it. I have a thread about this in the dating section and I recommend the read.

Few things I want to point out to you:
1. Talking to a girl is NOT always an avenue to a relationship. It would be foolish to look at "talking" as a way to attract every female (in other words, don't have expectations when you talk to a woman)

2. Have confidence in who you are and what you are talking about

3. Pay attention!! Make eye contact, smile and RELAX.. this isn't an interview

4. Have fun. When you talk about something do it in a way that fosters communication and enjoyment. You can read when someone has no interest in talking about a specific topic.

5. Girls LOVE guys that have the ability to open up about certain things that they ordinarily would be known to talk to other guys about. Sports is huge, for instance. Most girls at colleges love their sports but guys assume they are just bimbos who paint their nails and go to sorority functions... wrong!

6. It is important to make a conversation based upon strictly friendship at first. If you walk up to a female with one thing in mind, it becomes easily readable on your part and they will sniff it a mile away.

It is easy man, truly. Sometimes we just get so caught up in the moment we forget that girls have the same problem, just different cultural (or more like social) norms for handling it. Have fun, be yourself and be able to BS about different things. By BS I don't mean be a good liar, I mean be a good talker AND listener. You can build a lot of your conversation by taking avenues that the female responds to. To be honest you can tell within the first 2-5 minutes whether they have ANY interest in you at all.

I know this is getting long, but here is something my friends and I would do on a normal basis, not for a game, but for self confidence and keeping things in perspective. I PROMISE you the below will work if you stick to everything in it (although I would advise you to get decent at actually opening up a conversation with girls first; this is just a way to get over a fear of rejection later):

Walk up to them, BS with them and then ask for their number. Regardless of their answer, make sure you act like it didn't bother you at all. Their answer and their reaction should have ZERO effect on you one way or another. The key is to ensure that they know you can live with or without them! Maintain the attitude that you couldn't care less whether or not they gave their number to you... You make sure you keep it short and sweet, the less the better my friend!

Thank you all for your advice. Again, I do strongly believe in being myself, so hopefully all of the other advice can help me get over this "fear".

And at the beginning, I felt as though I was talking to them to get into a relationship, mainly to get over the ex which is clearly wrong. But as time as gone on, I've realized that just being to have conversations with them (although rare) gives me some hope for myself.

But yeah, breakups suck. Especially when you leave the girl because you are miserable but still love her nonetheless.

Just relax and be the awesome guy that you are. Girls will pick up on that. In college you get to the point (at least you start to) where girls become "women" who want a smart, confident guy who can hold an intelligent conversation. Like I said, and you have said, don't talk to them simply to get a "date." Talk to them to learn how to mingle with the opposite sex. It is a skill that is very valuable throughout life.

It is a mentality thing, more than anything. I literally do not care if a woman ends up giving me her number or not, and they know that fairly quickly, thus they can read that I am not hung up on their validation to make me feel good. I know I can walk directly to another woman and do the same thing. I find it fun, though, to just converse and be able to make a woman laugh. If you can make them laugh, you are in a stellar position!

One other thing: NEVER FEAR BEING REJECTED. I have been rejected more than I have been accepted, so to speak. EVERYONE goes through it, no matter what, so don't let that trip you up.

I have to agree with that too, and college is already being a good help. I didn't know many people so it forced me to interact more.

I actually went to sleep thinking about this question. KC kind of covered it, but what I was thinking about was adding that girls want to talk to guys. If you are friendly, smiling, and easy going they will want to talk to you. I remember being a Freshman and not knowing anyone at my college. Fortunately, people were pretty friendly. The one guy who I still remember meeting the first week totally caught my attention by being a good listener and showing he was interested in what I was saying. I didn't get the vibe that he was looking for something, but he listened to me, asked questions, and had interesting things to say. He said my name a few times during the conversation, kept it light and natural, and came across as a nice person. The conversation was simply a getting to know you conversation, nothing heavy - where we were from, what activities we like to do, that sort of thing. Also, if you can throw in some humor, I think that's huge. If you can get her to smile or laugh, she'll want to talk to you again.

To add to this, study groups are a GREAT place to break the ice. Talk about their majors and yours or lack of one. Join the clubs in your discipline. Seize all opotunities you are interested in, trips, social, professional, etc. But only those you are truly interested in. Each one of these has its own community. You will meet many girls and have lots to talk about... because you will then have something in common.

Good luck. And Kudos for getting back out there!!

You aren't ready for a relationship, so relax, and just make friends. The best way to be comfortable around females, is to be around them, and be yourself.

Fear of rejection, and high expectations, takes all the fun out of getting to know the opposite sex.

KC, your dead on, man, and I think all the advice is great here for you.


Here is the link you should read.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating/all-guys-who-afraid-talking-girls-378881.html (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating/all-guys-who-afraid-talking-girls-378881.html)

Killer: Just make it your goal to go up and approach 5 different women each night you go out. Don't worry about getting "hooked up" or whatever, just worry about holding at least a 10 minute conversation with each. It will do so much for yourself confidence, I promise you. Besides, I find that most girls tend to be much more interesting than most guys I talk to.

Killer: Just make it your goal to go up and approach 5 different women each night you go out. Don't worry about getting "hooked up" or whatever, just worry about holding at least a 10 minute conversation with each. It will do so much for your self confidence, I promise you. Besides, I find that most girls tend to be much more interesting than most guys I talk to.

Strange - I find it is just the opposite.

Killer: Just make it your goal to go up and approach 5 different women each night you go out. Don't worry about getting "hooked up" or whatever, just worry about holding at least a 10 minute conversation with each. It will do so much for your self confidence, I promise you. Besides, I find that most girls tend to be much more interesting than most guys I talk to.

I agree with that. I'd say in general.. well more online than in person but still, I talk to more girls than guys. For whatever reason, they want to talk more.

I agree with that. I'd say in general..well more online than in person but still, I talk to more girls than guys. For whatever reason, they want to talk more.

You will learn this more and more... women love to hear themselves talk... :cool:

(Bring on the negative comments ladies ;) )

Hahahaha! Yes, some I know.. talk and talk.. but in most of those cases, I'm not even interested in what they have to say after a certain point

You will learn this more and more...women love to hear themselves talk...:cool:

(Bring on the negative comments ladies ;) )

Okay! I actually love a conversation that is equal. Guys have a lot of interesting things to say, and I like learning something from a conversation. If I'm doing all the talking, I'm not learning. :rolleyes:

Hey, so there is this girl which to be honest, I find quite annoying. She has been a good friend when I've been in need, but lately she acts weird and annoying. She has tried to turn me against friends and vice versa. We are not dating and she tries to make us be closer than I'd like.

What should I do?

Sounds like you need to tell her how you feel.

She doesn't sound like a good friend if she's tried to turn you against your other friends.

I also believe that when she was there for you she wasn't doing it sincerely.. she may have done it for her own benefit.

Either you cut ties with this toxic friend or you talk to her about this problem.

Sarah

Well for one, I have told her that the things she does are bothersome and she will say OK, but then a day later say "hello darling" or silly things like that. And yeah, I have spoken to a couple close people about it who seem to think that she just wants to get into my pants (not my words, theirs) which bothers me because I feel no attraction to her.

Have you told her this?

That you think she's attracted to you and that you are not interested in her in this way whatsoever.

Sarah

You can show her your not interested in her by ignoring her , she'll eventually get the hint.

Don't give her any attention. If you give her attention, she will have more leverage against you. Just ignore her. You don't want to lead her on either, especially since you say you're not attracted to her.

As for your friends, if they know you well enough, they won't listen to her when she tries to turn them against you. Just clear things up with your friends if you have to.

Don't give her any attention. If you give her attention, she will have more leverage against you. Just ignore her. You don't want to lead her on either, especially since you say you're not attracted to her.

As for your friends, if they know you well enough, they won't listen to her when she tries to turn them against you. Just clear things up with your friends if you have to.

Yeah, I have been avoiding her as much as possible lately, both in person and online. And as for my friends, they come to me and ask what the hell she is doing, they even saw what she was trying to do and were like wow she's weird, etc.

Threads merged

Ok, so I haven't been in a relationship for just under two months, but I feel like I'm missing having someone in my life and don't know why or how to feel better about being alone. I mean, I could obviously try to find someone else but even that seems daunting.

What should I do?

Read the stickies:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-expect-when-you-get-dumped-123862.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/list-things-do-after-breakup-78597.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-did-learn-after-devastating-breakup-303761.html

They should give you some insight. Until you feel comfortable enough with yourself, take your time before entering into another relationship. The kinds of feelings that you are explaining to us is the exact reason why it's a good time for you to be on your own and work on yourself. Do things to help boost your self-esteem and confidence level.

Enjoy your time with yourself.

Don't force things to happen in your life.

Pick up a hobby, take a class, do some volunteer work, etc.

Sooner or later, you will cross paths with someone with the same interests.

Good luck to you.

The above answers you received is pretty much all you need to know.

Just be assured you are not "alone" in feeling the way you are. We've all been there at some point. It's how you handle this "alone" time that's important. Define who YOU are first. Just having someone, anyone to be with is not the answer.

Once you are happy and content being "alone", when you least expect it... love may come walkin' in. Best wishes

The longer you are single it will become easier and, if you can believe it, enjoyable. Just think, you have all this free time to do whatever you want to do. You don't have to spend a dime on anyone else so treat yourself good. Two months is really not very long. Ive been single for about a year now, and Ive learned a lot about myself and others as well, I have time to be a better friend to the ones I have and in turn made some new ones. You will find that you might get some things done you thought you'ld never start. Give it a chance and some time. Hope the best for you.

Honestly, I was thinking the same time when my ex left me, 2 month later. Though 6 month later I can see the advantages of being alone and it's honestly one of my greatest time in my life.

I've lost weight, been partying, making new friends, being closer to my family, my friends, dated without anything serious, joined a volunteering group, concentrated on my studies, have gotten way more girls looking at me and flirting with me...
I feel much more complete and happy then I ever was when I was with someone. There are days where I'm a bit down because I don't have someone, but then I go out and have some fun.

So what I suggest is let it go, be free, you can understand what it means to enjoy yourself alone and that is important if you would like to grow in life.

See all of this I understand.. but going to the same school or having common friends makes me hear about her or see her (or even see her posts online.. facebook, etc) when I really could do without it.

For example, this weekend, I jammed with my band twice, worked and joined Monster Gym.. so I was all pumped because I was getting out there and all that stuff.. and then I get home and see that she wrote on this guy's wall. The same guy that ultimately caused the downfall of our relationship (even though the problems with him happened quite some time ago, he was a reoccurring problem). I know that he know has a Gf, but for whatever reason, seeing it makes me feel sick and crappy. I hate this feeling and when I get into this mood, I don't know what to do. I mean, it's almost midnight and I'm not tired, but I can't really listen to music loud or go bang around on my drums!

Killer, give yourself sometime. Two months in a lifetime is not very long. As you get out more and socialize more, it will get easier. Make friends of both genders who don't know her. She isn't everywhere though it may feel that way.

When you find yourself thinking about her or looking at some guy's Wall where she might have posted, allow yourself a smile at the good times then go on to the next site. Let her become part of your past that someday you will remember fondly.

Look forward knowing that there are other women out there who might be trying to approach you.

Thanks Cat. Yeah, normally I try to watch TV or write something on piano when I can't get on my drums. I think another woman showing interest in me might do wonders for my self-esteem and to see that there is still a lot of life to live. I can think these things.. but it's more a matter of actually knowing it from experience I suppose

..but it's more a matter of actually knowing it from experience I suppose

Unfortunately, you only get that by living.

By the way, you're welcome.

Unfortunately, you only get that by living.

.. and its being able to just live which I'm still somewhat suffering with getting to do properly

Killer: Have you ever thought about giving Facebook a rest for awhile?

Killer: Have you ever thought about giving Facebook a rest for awhile?

I try. I try to open it less. But it's always there. What's worse is while dating, I had added her mother.. who kept writing (commenting) on things I posted until the point where I just sent her a polite message asking her not to for a while.

Honestly I had to give FB up for around 6 months after my break up. It just created drama and thoughts that I didn't need. Facebook is a cool site for networking or what have you, but for a break up it is evil, pure evil.

Honestly I had to give FB up for around 6 months after my break up. It just created drama and thoughts that I didn't need. Facebook is a cool site for networking or what have you, but for a break up it is evil, pure evil.

I can't agree more. It literally pushes you to not be over him/her. I think I go on to play farmville.. and then end up checking around. UGH

How about blocking her and deleting her? That way you'll still have access to Facebook without her. This is the point of NC, delete them from everything, msn, Facebook, myspace. Secondly don't force yourself to talk to girls yet. Flirt a little but if you don't want to talk to them, just don't talk to them.

I did delete her though :S and it still shows her comments on other people's stuff. Maybe I didn't block her properly.. I'll go check that.

EDIT: yeah, I did it. And it seems as though I don't see her stuff anymore, Hopefully it worked this time

Well there you go. Now you can start proper NC since you can't see her. I guess you know what to do now: sport, go out...

Ya, thank you all for your help. I've already found loads to do (gym, band, work, etc) and I can do the NC as long as I don't bump into her at school, and the odds of that happening are close to none.

Threads merged

OK, so I've been trying to do the NC, I had used to send my ex (we dated for over 2 years) texts all the time but decided to stop. A week later, she replies to one of my texts which besides the fact of being odd, got me talking again. I don't know why I can't keep to the NC.

I've read the threads about it, but I still cnt say: "KILLER IGNORE HER"/

Helppp mee!

No one can help you do it. We can just tell you why it's what you need to do.

Delete her number and any contact you have with her..

Every time you go back,start again.
No contact is about you healing,and getting perspective...

You won't get over her if you keep contacting her...

Make a plan.. the next time you feel the urge to contact her or she contacts you,phone a friend instead,or phone for a pizza!

Log on to AMHD,there's always someone here to lend an ear and give support.

So your backsliding,and you know it... and now you have a tool to deal with the next time you need an ex fix.

It's quite common , what it does so early in the breakup is give you what you perceive as hope that you may be able to get them back. BUT it's False hope and when you finally realise that and are sick of the suffering NC becomes easier.

Igore the texts, as long as you keep answering she is in control

As time goes on, it will get easier and easier to ignore her.

But until then, I know it's tough, but it's all about will power. Stay busy as much as possible. Try to hang out with friends and family as much as possible too. Devote your time elsewhere, instead of thinking about her.

Did you see the list of things to do after a breakup? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/list-things-do-after-breakup-78597.html

Hey,

Again, I fall into the trap of breaking the NC rule. This girl is a piece of work and I don't miss her in a sense of wanting her back, but I still think about her and it keeps getting worse (as in thinking more about her). Yesterday, she sent me a text message telling me that she has some new guy which was beyond unnecessary. I should have not answered, but I did, I told her I didn't care and told her off and stopped answering. The next day, I get a text from her number, claiming its this guy. He then goes off insulting me; both my personality and my physical build. Although I'm not even 100% convinced that he exists, it was not helpful at all.
So now, All I can think of is her and this guy and what not. And to make it worse, I all of a sudden started to bump into her multiple times every day at school.

I now feel sad more often, although I spent the past couple weeks improving my life. It's really affecting me emotionally and even physically.
What should I do?

Threads merged again

Please keep all the questions regarding your issue in the same thread so that we can follow your story and give you appropriate advice.

Did you try reading the stickies?
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/nc-rules-faqs-332732.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/fighting-urges-break-nc-rules-351302.html

You need to stay as occupied as possible. Keep your mind distracted.

Threads merged again.

Please keep all the questions regarding your issue in the same thread.
You after I posted I realized.. sorry about that

And yes, I have read them. Multiple times. But it still isn't helping.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really tough. You just need to be patient with yourself. With time, it will get easier.

Others have similar stories on breaking the NC rules all the time. Here's mine: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/just-dont-know-what-do-anymore-319894.html

No contact is really tough in the beginning and it could get tougher and tougher at first, but it will get easier with time. But you really have to stick with the rules. If you break the rules, you will reset your progress and only prolong the pain and suffering.

Talking to girls is A LOT of fun! You get rejected at times, but all you really have to do is just laugh it off. Girls love a guy who can laugh at himself for doing something foolish and they love even more a guy who is confident and overall happy! Be that happy guy that has no problems in his life, but also be the guy that can be serious if someone needs you. It's all about emotions. Eventually, you will find the right girl.

So, some developments have been made since my last posts.

During one of the many breaks that my ex and I had taken, I had reconnected with a girl I knew from elementary school and although we only hung out once, we talked a lot and I grew quite fond of her. Anyway, yesterday we bumped into each other at college for the first time, well the first time I have seen her in almost half a year. We seemed to connect very well, and although she had to leave, she texted me later and then we talked online that night. Then today she texted me again. I don't know EXACTLY how she feels about me, but I'd like to see her more and maybe make something of it. After yesterday, I've been in a good mood.

How do I figure out how she feels about me and where should I take this situation from here?

During one of the many breaks that my ex and I had taken, I had reconnected with a girl...


Stop right there. This is another one of your many breaks from your ex girlfriend, but the only difference is, you've met someone you're interested in. Before you start to build another relationship with someone else, make sure the one you've been having problems with is gone for good.

It seems to me that you're still involved with your ex and this girl will be a rebound or tag along in your life. This isn't fair to her, do not get involved with this one.

Stop right there. This is another one of your many breaks from your ex girlfriend, but the only difference is, you've met someone you're interested in. Before you start to build another relationship with someone else, make sure the one you've been having problems with is gone for good.

It seems to me that you're still involved with your ex and this girl will be a rebound or tag along in your life. This isn't fair to her, do not get involved with this one.

Well, I left my ex almost 2 months ago. I've barely spoken to her since and the only problem is occasionally "missing" her.. or the idea of her.

Ask her out. Don't go into the date with the expectation she will become your girlfriend. Rather, go to have fun and get to know her better. You might have to date a few girls before one clicks, but this has promising beginnings.

Ya, that was the thing. When I bumped into her, we sat there for like 45 minutes and I felt very comfortable and enjoyed myself. Normally I'm very shy around girls but I wasn't at all. But yeah, maybe I'll ask her out.. now to do what? Hmm.

It sounds like you know her to some extent already. What types of things does she like to do? It also depends on what you can afford - not so easy when you are a student, sometimes. The thing is when a girl likes a guy they don't care what the date is as long as it's a chance to spend time with him. Personally, I liked dates where we could talk and laugh and have fun, often sports related. It really depends on what the two of you like. You could just go get something to eat. Don't make it elaborate. Make it fun.

Well, I left my ex almost 2 months ago. I've barely spoken to her since and the only problem is occasionally "missing" her..or the idea of her.

Doesn't matter how long it's been , the issue is are you Totally over her??

If not then don't get someone else involved just to give yourself a little fix , that's not fair on her. Even though you may feel that you are actually attracted to this other girl it could just be your after a self esteem boost.

Just get over the Ex first , it'll work out so much better for you in the long run.

the only problem is occasionally "missing" her..or the idea of her.


Red flag.

I believe your new friend is going to get hurt.

Red flag.

Yeah. But its gotten a lot better in the last couple weeks.

I agree wit the guys on this... its too soon and you are not over your ex totally enough for you to get involved in another relationship.

Best thing to do now is to be friends with this new girl, hang out, have fun, but don't jump into a relationship with her until you are 100% sure you are totally over your ex. Only you know when that is.

Also, just a little piece of advice, its never "Out with the old, in with the new" in relationships. Get have something real and long-lasting, you must lose that kind of thinking...

Doesn't matter how long it's been , the issue is are you Totally over her???

If not then don't get someone else involved just to give yourself a little fix , thats not fair on her. Even though you may feel that you are actually attracted to this other girl it could just be your after a self esteem boost.

Just get over the Ex first , it'll work out so much better for you in the long run.

1. no not totally.
2. I don't think so, I actually really like who she is.
3. yea probably, I don't want to hurt the new girl, even if not intentionally

2. i don;t think so, i actually really like who she is.


Sure and that's great , I wasn't actually trying to infer you were using her or anything like that.

Hey just be patient and it'll work out as long as you don't rush into anything.

Good Luck buddy :)

That's cool... All good... just take your time and see how it goes... once you are totally over your ex, you will be free to give your heart to whoever you choose... and they will be lucky because they won't have to share even a tiny fraction of you with your ex.

All the best :)

I've known this girl for 5 years. We've always been friendly. 2 months ago, we started talking more and spending more time together. I have developed feelings for her, and I want to get more intimate with her but I don't know how she feels about me. What should I do?

~Killer

Ask her out to dinner and to a movie. Unless you have done that already. Does she feel the same way towards you elaborate more.

Ask her out to dinner and to a movie. Unless you have done that already. Does she feel the same way towards you elaborate more.

I have no idea how she feels towards me to be honest. She'll compliment my looks, etc. but then will talk to her friends about so and so hot guy while I'm there. I'm not sure if she is confused, or just is like that with all guys, but from what I've seen, she isn't so I don't know.

Sounds to me she is considering you as a friend for now. If you want to pursue this further than just ask for a night out with just the two of you, start from there. Or just flat out and ask her how she feels about you.

Tell her how you feel and see what she says. You won't know how she feels until you ask.

Tell her how you feel and see what she says. You won't know how she feels until you ask.

Well, yes I could tell her. But what do I do if she doesn't feel the same? Wouldn't that make things weird?

Just have a conversation about people in the friend zone.
Discuss with her what she thinks about people who are friends,can they ever be more?
Is it better to be friends first in a relationship?
Get her feedback on the issue,just having a casual conversation.
Or if you want to know where you stand specifically ask her.
Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet,take a deep breath and Go for it!

Well, yes I could tell her. But what do I do if she doesn't feel the same? Wouldn't that make things weird?

If she doesn't feel the same way, then you find someone else.

It will only be weird if both of you allow it to be weird. If she rejects you, you will definitely need some time apart to recover. Otherwise you will just continue to over-analyze everything she says and have false hope.

Once you've recovered, and if you were meant to be friends, it will happen naturally. Otherwise, a friendship wasn't going to work out anyway, because right now you're just talking to her more because you are interested in her.

Well, yes I could tell her. But what do I do if she doesn't feel the same? Wouldn't that make things weird?

Not necessarily.
I have told male friends before that I am not interested in anything but friendship and we moved on and stayed good friends.
It depends on how mature you both are whether it is weird or not.

Not necessarily.
I have told male friends before that I am not interested in anything but friendship and we moved on and stayed good friends.
It depends on how mature you both are whether it is weird or not.

I'd hope to stay good friends.

And yeah, I need to just "bite the bullet". But for whatever reason, I just can't pick up the phone and ask her out. I don't know why it's so hard for me. Its like I'm expecting some girl to all of a sudden show a great deal of interest in me, enough that I can just know they "want me" to make a move. I don't know how to come out of my shell and pursue someone I'm really interested in.

I'd hope to stay good friends.

And yeah, I need to just "bite the bullet". But for whatever reason, I just can't pick up the phone and ask her out. I don't know why it's so hard for me. Its like I'm expecting some girl to all of a sudden show a great deal of interest in me, enough that I can just know they "want me" to make a move. I don't know how to come out of my shell and pursue someone I'm really interested in.

If people always stayed in their comfort zones,fearing possible rejection... nothing would get done in this life!
Who knows,she could be having the same doubts as you?

Be honest, and ask her.

If people always stayed in their comfort zones,fearing possible rejection....nothing would get done in this life!
Who knows,she could be having the same doubts as you?

I've talked to one close friend about this, and he has made the same remark, 'maybe she feels the same/is confused' I REALLY know that I should just go for it. I go to a school with 8000 people, and I have other friends so if it went badly, I'd be fine minus feeling "let down"

I've talked to one close friend about this, and he has made the same remark, 'maybe she feels the same/is confused' I REALLY know that I should just go for it. I go to a school with 8000 people, and I have other friends so if it went badly, I'd be fine minus feeling "let down"

Then GO FOR IT!
Its not like you are asking for her hand in marriage!
Live up to your screen name :D

Then GO FOR IT!
Its not like you are asking for her hand in marriage!
Live up to your screen name :D

Maybe I will.. but how/where/when (if that even matters)?
And :D my screen name should have been "IwishIhadKillerInstincts"

Maybe I will..but how/where/when (if that even matters)?
And :D my screen name should have been "IwishIhadKillerInstincts"

I would call her,not text and ask her if she wants to catch a movie with you.Be specific on the day and time.
Ask her if she has seen(insert movie) and tell her you have been wanting to see it.
After the movie,go out for a bite to eat and discuss the movie.
One step at a time :)

Hm. Sounds good. I really want this work

Anyone else have any imput or insight into the situation? Sometimes she seems closer or maybe interested, whereas sometimes she acts like just some random guy.

Does she have a friend who you could talk to ,to sort of feel out the situation?
Is this your first time asking a girl out?

Does she have a friend who you could talk to ,to sort of feel out the situation?
Is this your first time asking a girl out?

I think that the only friend of hers who I could talk to might still say something to her :S

And no, not really.. but its been a while. I was with my last girlfriend for two years.. So almost 2 years since I asked her out, and another 9 months for the girl before

Geez guy, just take a breath and just ask her out, without anyone else in your business. If she says no, then that avenue is over and we move on.

Amazing how fear of whatever just complicates things.

Honestly, that's really the worst that will happen, it will be awkward and she will say she's not interested. You're not going to die, awkwardness can be fixed- if she's that great of a friend you guys can recover if you get denied.
I wouldn't ask her out before asking her feelings on the matter. If you jump into asking her out on a date, she could see that as you just trying to push it without her consent. You guys are friends, respect the woman, tell her how you feel (honesty, it's an attractive trait for a man or woman.) And give her time to process if she needs it. If she says she'd like to pursue a relationship, THEN ask her on a date.
This isn't exactly jr. high where you have a crush on a girl, and just ask her out. It's a more respectful approach to ask the person about their feelings first.

jaime90 disagrees: So if you're not in it for "her hand in marriage" you're in it for "her heart to be broken?" Are you in it for "her emotions in a saw mill?" Or is there another option that I don't know about??
Clearly you do not know the rules for a disagree.
I did not give any factually incorrect information.
In the future keep your reddies at bay until you understand the protocol!

Killer, is this the same girl?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/out-old-new-401823.html

As long as you are not using dating her as a rebound and both of you are free, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't ask her out.

As Artlady said, you only want a date to see where it goes from here. If you were asking for marriage or children, that would be awkward. :)

Dating is for having fun getting to know each other. How else can you tell if you click enough to risk more. Dragging it out too much has all kind of weird things going through your mind. If she says no your still friends. That's why keep it simple. Don't think love, romance, and feelings, think Starbuck's and roll. Mickey D's and fries, but with company. " I'm hungry, are you? My treat." Not rocket science. Fancy plans say romance, just spending time says friends.

Then you get to have the time to pay attention to the personal dynamics.

Hey it's a date, not a proposal. If she says NO, asks someone else.

Never know, your fixation on her, may be distracting you from other options, and opportunities.

Honestly, that's really the worst that will happen, it will be awkward and she will say she's not interested. You're not going to die, awkwardness can be fixed- if she's that great of a friend you guys can recover if you get denied.
I wouldn't ask her out before asking her feelings on the matter. If you jump into asking her out on a date, she could see that as you just trying to push it without her consent. You guys are friends, respect the woman, tell her how you feel (honesty, it's an attractive trait for a man or woman.) And give her time to process if she needs it. If she says she'd like to pursue a relationship, THEN ask her on a date.
This isn't exactly jr. high where you have a crush on a girl, and just ask her out. It's a more respectful approach to ask the person about their feelings first.

I disagree with your opinion: Um... why should he pour out all of his feelings and ask permission to ask for a date? Why not just ask for the date (nothing big, maybe lunch or a campus event like a 'fall fair' or Winter concert) and see where it goes from there? His feelings may not be what he thinks they are and finding out is a part of dating.

'Don't put the cart before the horse' is very appropriate in this case.

Just come out and ask how she feels and if it would maybe be worth it to be more than friends and see what happens! =D

The worse she can say is no and guess what that isn't going to kill you.
May make the cunones shrink for a second but the good news is they perk right back up :)

I think if you have known someone for as long as you have and been spending time with her then asking her out would be no problem, so keep it simple, and just ask her. Then you'll know how she feels and if you should pursue more. Your making this way to complicated than what it need be.

1- No not same girl as the other thread.
2- Lol yeah I am scared, but I'm going to call her tonight and ask her to a movie or something. I might as well get this over with, it is killing me trying to figure out how she feels even though I'll never know unless she tells me which requires me making a move.

1- No not same girl as the other thread.
2- Lol yeah I am scared, but I'm going to call her tonight and ask her to a movie or something. I might as well get this over with, it is killing me trying to figure out how she feels even though I'll never know unless she tells me which requires me making a move.

Good for you but I get the impression you sound MAD.
The way you sounded was Maddlike. Taking the bull by the horns,do that gently.
Be yourself sweetheart,your seem pretty cool to me :)

Good for you but I get the impression you sound MAD.
The way you sounded was Maddlike. Taking the bull by the horns,do that gently.
Be yourself sweetheart,your seem pretty cool to me :)

I sound MAD? :P

I sound MAD? :P

You did sound like you were about to shout, "Charge!" :)

Just be yourself and stay calm. You'll be okay.

You did sound like you were about to shout, "Charge!" :)

Just be yourself and stay calm. You'll be okay.

Ahaha, yeah ill try to be myself. Apparently people seem to like it when I do.

ahaha, yeah ill try to be myself. Apparently people seem to like it when I do.

Keep that keeping you real :cool:

UPDATE:
I called her last night, we were supposed to go to a party together, but plans got screwed up and she ended up going to a friends. Anyway, I called her and told her I had something important to tell her. She said that she could text, but not stay on the phone. So I said OK and texted her, telling her that I like her. She told me that she likes someone else. We agreed to still be friends, etc.

That's the way it is sometimes, no biggie!

Thats the way it is sometimes, no biggie!

Yup. Im happy I know. Its better than dragging on something hopeless forever

So, Ive been seeing this girl for the past couple weeks, and things have been great.. but I'm still left with a "scar" from my past relationship that is affecting the way I am thinking. My previous girlfriend went to parties without me which was fine, but she was WAY too close to other men to say the least. This was a huge reason for our fighting that ultimately led to our breaking up. Now, this new girl, who from all indications, is VERY into me, and I would say there isn't even a 0.000001% chance that she cheats on me (we aren't OFFICIAL yet, but we are exclusive) but when I found out she was going to the party and wanted to get smashed something inside of me reacted and I felt like crap. Of course I showed no signs of, told her to be careful, joked about not wanting to hear she fell asleep in some ditch, and that was the end of that. But Im here still, feeling a headache and chest pain (stress-like symptoms). What can I do to get past this kind of feeling? I don't want to be the paranoid boyfriend I was in the past. I've always prided myself in being the best I can be, but this is something I need to get better at.

Thanks,

KI

Let me know when your tired of jumping from girl to girl and want to work on yourself so you can have healthy adult relationships. After merging all of your many threads, what is noticeable is that you never listen to the advice any way.

I will give you credit for trying, and you are not shy around females either.

Talaniman, all due respect, I am not "girl jumping".

Here is my timeline:
I was with Girl A (the ex who left a scar on me) on-and-off for 2 and a half years. I dumped her last summer; for good. I followed AMHD advice, and have been in NC with her since. It's worked wonders for me.
I was interested in Girl B (my longtime friend) for about a month and a half. I followed AMHD advice and I am over her. I also overcame my fear of asking a girl out.
I am now seeing a third girl. Both of us are very interested in each other. And also, this third girl just happened. After girl B, I had decided to work on myself and stop looking, but she found me and it clicked.

I want to thank everyone who has contributed to this thread. You've been a big help, whether you see it or not.
Thank you for merging all my threads. I will stick to this one thread from now on.

Let me define girl jumping, which is going from one female to another and hoping it works. I mention it because the flaw with moving from one female to another destroys the whole perspective of dating for fun, as attachments are easy when the focus is narrow.

Talaniman Rule-Date them all, short, skinny, or tall. 18-80, blind cripple or crazy.

That's dating for fun, and having a good time getting to know someone well, and keeping a healthy perspective while you take your own sweet time evaluating yourself, and others, without pressure.

Despite time between relationship failures, we all fall to fast for the next thing to come along, and repeat past behaviors, and attitudes.

That was the point I was making, save commitment for the right time. Especially the commitment of exclusive dating, or official relationships.

Who needs that pressure?

Yeah OK, I understand this, and believe me, I do try and follow the advice I get on here.

So my question is what do I do when I feel for a girl, and they go party and hang out with other guys and it bothers me?

If you were doing the same it wouldn't bother you. It's the choices, and detachment that gives you a healthy perspective on the situation, since you really have no stake in what others do, and can see things from a distance.

When you do see one that stands out, it's that healthy perspective that allows you to get beyond the petty feelings that cloud our judgment, and make us dependent on the actions of another, and stay above the game playing that goes on.

The best part is being able to see more options, and opportunities, we often miss when our focus is narrow, and the "needs" of others take a more prominent role in our thinking, and behavior, than our own needs.

Lastly, you are less likely to fall for what is unreasonable, and out of bounds, as far as bad behavior, because you have no reason to put someone on a pedestal, and you keep the very healthy balance in your life that's crucial to any human interaction.

That's a win-win situation, without drama, and confusion. Both of which healthy people avoid.

Talaniman is so right. You need to build a life of yourself before dating someone else. It`s important that you are complete with yourself so that you don't get any jealousy when you date someone. It`s really hard but once you get it, or close to it, you get a great human being.