This has been a growing concern of mine and it's putting a lot of stress on me and our relationship.. anyway we have been together for 3 years now and living together for about 2 years. Things started great just like any other new relationship and sex was good. Lately though she never wants to have sex and even pushes me away when I touch her. Even when I kiss her it doesn't feel like she does it with any passion. A big problem has been that she wants to get married but I am not quite ready yet, especially when we never have sex. Don't get me wrong it's not all I'm after but I believe it's a big part of any relationship. To make matters worse her family has also been pressuring me to marry her and have even confronted me about it. I hear she also has given me an ultimatum of 6 months. ( I heard this from friends of her friends). I guess we might just have different sex drives but when I ask her about it she says that it just isn't a big need for her. She told me she has been bored lately and I feel like she is depressed as well. So what do I do? I feel like telling her that we need sex to make this relationship work but I feel that would push her away even more. But I don't think I can take this sexless relationship anymore, especially if she wants to get married.. I NEED HELP!

ALSO I forgot to say that I know couples have sex less and less but it's been almost 4 months now with nothing..

Trust maybe? Check out my question just a few below yours.
She wants to marry you (love) first before sex, you want sex first before marriage. You don't want to marry her, she doesn't feel like having sex with you. She can't trust you.
Anyway as simple as that, can you anyhow pull away from any family pressure, it's not their's to get involved in between you two and certantly not to set ultimatums!
How old are you two?

Ive tried talking to her about the whole family pressuring thing and she seems to think that they have a certain amount of say in the matter.. The thing is we do live in one of their houses without charge. But to me that still doesn't give them any say in the matter. I am 26 and she is 25.

And to add... I think I am holding out on asking her to marry me because if I am this unhappy now, its just going to get worse and why would I want to spend the rest of my life like that?

So when you get married you'll still be living in that house? Of course it'll get worse. You're dependent on her parents. They think you owe them control over you.
You don't sound ready to get married at all. What'll happen if you don't marry in the next 6 months? They'll throw you out? Do you have a place to live on your own? What'll happen to her? Will you still be together?
I don't even think you truly love her. You're just confused and under influence of the whole situation.
I'm sorry, lack of sex is just a symptom of many other isuess you need to work with. Start with yourself first.

Well I would imagine that if we get married we will find a place of our own. Im not sure whether she's willing to follow through with the ultimatum or not. I do love her though, I might not be ready for marriage who knows but if I didn't really love her than why am I trying to make this work? If I didn't I would have left a long time ago

And what exactly is the lack of sex a symptom of? What you do know about me is all that I have said on this board so saying that I don't love her is just assuming a lot.

OK that's good. If you love her, respect her wishes, and try to understand that there are many things that may be causing her lack of sex drive. Talk with her. I understand it's very frustrating being in a relationship without sex, but not being patient and thinking only about your own needs will only add an extra pressure between you two, and you'll look selfish in her eyes.

Give her some time and space, but be there for her, and be her support. When you slowly create a bond again, she'll probably come to you by herself as she will feel safe.

Don't worry too much, and in the mean time, you're responsible for you own pleasure so figure something out. Sex is not the only thing in the world to get a pleasure from.

If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

She is who she is. If you can't accept her, then she's not a good match for you.

The two of you don't sound like you're on the same page. Marriage is a HUGE step. If you can't find a way to get on the same page, then this relationship will end whether you want to or not.

Lay out the problems one-by-one with her and try to come to a mutual understanding. If you can't even do that, then you don't even need to talk about marriage.

I think your living together is a preview of what things will be like if you continue together. One thing that stands out is the lack of being able to resolve your issues through working together.

Recognize that the marriage commitment is important to her, but the lack of sex has you balking at continuing on in this manner. Two different points of view and they need to be resolved, along with many other problems such as family, and living situations.

This is where the honest communications comes in, so you CAN work on them together. This isn't about sex at all, but the defining of the relationship, and airing the future expectations that you both will have for each other.

I really don't think she will be willing to let you have free milk, without buying the cow.

You really have an awful lot to think about as the sex is the least of your problems.

I do understand that we have a lot to discuss. We both have problems talking about our feelings. I guess we both kind of bottle them up inside and rather than talking just get pissed at each other. I told her that we both need to work on our communicating skills.. As for the whole sex thing.. like I said it is an important thing to me and not so important to her. So are we doomed from the beginning or what? Is it too much to ask for a compromise to do it? I don't sex to have to be a scheduled thing you know.. How do I communicate to her that I want to have sex more without pressuring her to do so? Now as far as getting married, that's an whole other issue. I just don't want to become another figure who gets divorced. That's why I want to get all of our issues sorted out before. Is that asking too much?

I just dont want to become another figure who gets divorced. thats why i want to get all of our issues sorted out before. is that asking too much?

You're not asking for too much. That's the attitude you need before getting into a marriage.

The problem is, you're willing to put in the hard work, but I'm not sure she's on the same page as you.

It's not just about working out the issues. It's also about the "willingness" to work out the issues. Find out if she's willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work. If she's not, then maybe she doesn't care about this relationship as both of you thought.

The other experts have given you excellent advice, as they usually do. I just would like to add that I am having a hard time deciphering if she refuses to have sex with you because she is trying to force your hand in marriage or because she isn't attracted to you that much. Why is it she wants marriage so bad? I have always been cautious of people who, instead of letting things work out on a natural basis, try to force expectations and desires onto you.

It seems a bit immature (although not entirely uncommon) for a person to withhold something until they get what they want, thus this could be a precursor into your future if you marry. On the other hand, I would hope this isn't a sign that she just altogether isn't as sexually attracted to you anymore. Just food for thought.

I guess my point is that I am not seeing what is forcing what. Is the problem here lack of sex, lack of sexual desire or a complete lack of communication to resolve issues such as this? Either way, these issues merit themselves enough for conversation, and, at the very least, a hopeful resolution to understanding the thought process of each other.

I personaly think that thinking about the divorce before even getting married is not the most positive attitude to have. You're already looking for a way out. But I understand what you're saying.

She's screaming marriage, you scream for sex. Nobody listens. It's not unconditional. Is marriage about love for you at all? It's OK, for many it's not.

I don't know about her, but I couldn't have sex with a man who's not sure about marriage, if I wanted it so much. For you it's reverse. So what now?

Let go of the whole marriage thing and grow up both of you. TALK! Work on the relationship, communicate, express your feelings and worries to each other.
If you'll stay together, you'll always have time to marry. 30 sounds nice from where you two stand right now.

BIG RED FLAG! From my perspective, when the sex in a relationship dies, the relationship is on it's way out. Something has happened and she isn't into the relationship as much as she was. As a result, she is pulling away from you emotionally and physically.

Sex is ALWAYS a part of a healthy relationship. There is something going on here that goes deeper than the fact that she won't have sex with you anymore. If either one of you are unwilling to discuss this issue openly and honestly, then the end of the relationship is coming near.

My ex pulled away from me around the 2 year mark. We used to have sex all the time. Then little by little she wanted to have sex less and less, until it got to the point where months would pass by between times we did it. It was weird, because she acted the same way as your girlfriend seems to be acting. She always seemed depressed. There always seemed like something was wrong. She would not open up to me about things anymore. She was getting more and more distant emotionally. I noticed all of this, but when I would try to talk to her about it, she wouldn't.

IMO, this is happening because she maybe looking for a way out of this relationship. She doesn't have a good out yet...

Again, this is my opinion and how I see it. I don't know you or your girl, however, I went through a VERY similar situation with my ex... Just keep your eyes open!

Thanks for all of your input... I will just have to have another talk with her about it and see where things go from there. pfanatic, I can tell by the negative replies you have that you are a woman. Not trying to start an argument but just want your oponion. From what you gather from my situation, is she pulling away emotionally and physically because of the not getting married or is it because she's not attracted to me anymore? I'm just torn by this all.

It appears to me, at least, that she is pulling away and detaching mentally. I think she has major issues with this relationship and is perhaps using marriage (or lack thereof) as an excuse to end this. You guys weren't having a problem with sex initially, so something has changed. She doesn't seem happy and I doubt she really believes marriage will somehow the resolution to end her unhappiness. I would be under the impression she just doesn't want to be with you any longer, but has neither the guts to tell your or the resolve to work it out. Just my opinion.

Just curious jmw.. did you ever find out why she pulled away from you? I hope it wasn't because of the whole marriage thing as well. How did you go about talking to her about it?

No, I really never got a concrete answer out of her. I have a feeling it was just all the crap that built up between us that pushed us apart. There were things I did and things that she did that weakened the bond between us. Exactly what was the exact root cause is anyone's guess.

Every time I wanted to talk to her about it, I made sure we were in a private setting whether it was while we we on a walk through the woods, or sitting in somewhere private. I thought that was the best way to go about it, but obviously given the situation now, I may not be the best person to ask as these tactics didn't work for me.

Basically what it all boils down to, if she is unwilling to work with you over these issues, then that is not good.

I'm truly sorry concerned11984. I didn't mean to sound negative, it's just hard not to get personal as I'm in a way in a similar situation right now. So sorry once again.

For us, women yes, as far as I know, OK for most women, sex and emotions are deeply connected. Especially in a LTR. So to answer your last question. It's neighter of that. It's not separated. She's not attracted to you true, BUT only probably because she's not getting her needs met. Who knows what marriage means to her. Do you know? Maybe she thinks you don't love her enough or something. I don't think marriage is a proof of love, but maybe she does. A lot of women do.

Please just relax and just go with the flow. Have a relationship with your girlfriend. You're young. Show her you love her. You don't want a runaway bride. And yes, could be she doesn't know what she wants from you, true. Talk with her and find out.

I think you need to move out of her parents house and stand on your own two feet. If you live under her family's roof, you are going to hear their voices.
if she is not sleeping with you because she wants a marriage that you cannot give her right now, then what does that say about her?
if she is not sleeping with you because she doesn't find you attractive, then you need to sort the attraction out.
there are many reasons she might not want sex as much as before. Life circumstances change our moods and feelings. Has something dramatic happened recently in her life to make her feel this way?
case in point:
my boyfriend and I have a very demanding schedule. For him, busy season means 70 hr work week, including the weekends. For me, its 40 hr week + post grad with classes on weekends. It's hard for us to find time for each other, but it's the fact that we both put in efforts to see each other and spend as much time as we can together to make sure we build a stronger connection. We each have our own place and pay our own bills = more responsibilities. Yah, there are times we get on each other's nerves cos we are so tired when we get home, but that's life. We both suck it up and understand each other enough to not constantly bicker one another. We have less time to be intimate, but that's life. When its not busy season and we have more time for another, we get to do many things together to build our bond.
there are many factors affecting our libidos. You need to find out what factors are causing your girlfriend to act this way. I had to explain it to my boyfriend why I was going through periods of low libido, he accepted it and supported me. I wasn't comfortable at all telling him this but I did it to keep my relationship.
another example:
this guy I know, he's married to this girl, they haven't slept together for a few months, she's gone through a lot of personal failures in the last year, and they recently found out she is infertile. We think she's depressed and we are trying to get her help.
sex should not be the factor in deciding the outcome of a relationship.

Talaniman Rule- Make love to her mind, and the body will follow.

Forget the sex, and connect on a higher deeper level.

I am going to take a bit of a different path.

How long has she been getting browbeaten by her family and put off by you on the subject of marriage?

I am going to guess that she feels like a rope in an emotional tug-of-war. That will cause anyone to shut down after awhile.

Something you haven't talked about is what were the expectations when you moved in together in the family owned house? Was there an understanding that your living together without being married was a temporary situation?

To go along with what Tal said. Maybe take a weekend and go away somewhere romantic where you two can be alone. See if that helps.

Yeah so I talked to her and everything seems to stem from us not being engaged. She thinks she would be happy again if I asked her to marry me. When I asked her if that would really fix everything she said to have faith. Seems like a big step Or risk to take when neither of us are happy now. My gut says to give it a try because I love her very much and don't want to lose her. She said she doesn't want to begin to resent me for not asking which I think she already has begun doing. So you guys think I should risk it all and ask her when we are both in this funk because I don't think she woul be happy until we are engaged..

Commitment is very important guy. Yes it's a risk, life is a risk. Things don't change overnight, nor is the journey through life a smooth or easy one.

If she is worth the risk, take it. If not whats the point in even being together??

For sure we all like the security of a partner who is on this journey with us, through thick, and thin, and all the good and bad times.

I really wish I saw this earlier...
Your girlfriend is using sex as a weapon or she just doesn't feel secure enough to have sex with you. I'm thinking it's the first one, rather than the latter. You have been together for three years now and living together for two. I'm sure that her biological clock is ticking. Her friends and family are also probably pressuring her and making her feel insecure in the relationship. Women want to be sure in love before becoming completely involved and baring it all, and resent has probably piled up from her thinking all you want is sex and there is no future.
The short solution: give her a timeline, some goals and since talking doesn't seem to work write her a warm letter filled with your sincere feelings for her and some goals for the relationship. Be REAL and true. Tell her if you feel that you are not ready financially or that her withholding sex makes you fear that you might go through this cold treatment in marriage. Make sure to fill it with lots of "baby"'s and "sweetheart"'s or whatever sickly sweet pet name you two share.
ALL in ALL: she wants security in a future with you. You might want to get a promise ring for her and do something romantic. Tell her that you want to replenish your relationship because it matters a lot to you. She just might be bored because you might be taking her for granted now. I would sit and think through what your day is like and what her days are like.
Is she working like she's a wife?
Is she enjoying you as a boyfriend and building an emotional bond with you?
Do you tell her that you love her?
etc...
Good luck for those this might help.

Wow, minus the marriage, I'm in the same situation as
concerned11984". I want to tell my gf that I need to have sex alot more frequently then we do now if this is to work. I'm trying just doing things that she wants to do more and trying to not talk about sex or even hint that i want it, BUT MY HIGH LEVEL OF SEX DRIVE WONT ALLOW IT. She's not showing any signs of giving me what i want any time soon and i'm about to exlpode if this doesn't change!!! I know im suppose to be addreesing the original question, but i thought it would provide minor relief to "concerned 11984" if he knew that he was not alone and that somebody else with almost the same poblems and feelings was here and listening (well, reading). I just need some people to level with that are in the same boat as me; if this is a preview of my sex life for the future, then I don't know if this is what I want... can't handle being frustrated ALL the time, it's too much. I need to feel alive again..

Talking from experience, when someone is happy and gets what she wants, she can do anything you want. She wants to get married, I believe at a point you agreed that, this marriage will happen. If you are not ready to do that let her know that you are not ready yet. Having sex is the least of her worries, about the family pressure, that is what families do, they might feel, there daughter is good for you to have sex with and leave with, but not good enough for you to marry her.

And also think about the way she feels as well, she is feeling bad that’s why she doesn’t want to have sex. Don’t get me wrong 4month is dame too long, but reason with her. Tell her what you really want if you are not ready let her know.

I guess my point is that I am not seeing what is forcing what. Is the problem here lack of sex, lack of sexual desire or a complete lack of communication to resolve issues such as this? Either way, these issues merit themselves enough for conversation, and, at the very least, a hopeful resolution to understanding the thought process of each other.

Very Good point.

In my opinion, his lack of commitment (for marriage) turned off her, and she is deeply disappointed, and sabotaging to have sex with him. Women hate men who use them. She might think he is using her for just sex without commitment for future. It is just my opinion, and it is understandable.

It is hard to love someone unconditionally if the partner does not willing to give "full heart" or firm commitment in the relationship. “I am not sure either I will marry you or not, and I even do not know when I can make the decision, but can you just love me and give me enough passionate sex until I am completely convinced? Let me enjoy you & free rent arrangement for a while without any pressure. You will find out where we will end up years later.” Is this his message? It sounds very selfish to me.

If he does not do anything to assure her, but only focus on his needs & sex, he will eventually push her away. How long will he try the milk to buy the whole cow? 5 more years? 10 more years? Forget about getting affection and passionate love from angry girl. Relationship is two way. I personally believe her sexual desire is disappeared over anger at this point temporarily.

The best way I can think of is he needs to set a timeline which both can be agreeable not in her 6 month terms.

My point is again, he has to see her viewpoint, and compromise her if he really loves her. If he is too young and confused, set a timeline and work it out. If he thinks he only cares about good sex, then he should let her go to find someone else who is willing to make commitment to her. Nobody should use her youth and sex if he is confused, has full of doubts, does not sure what he wants, and balme her not to give her good sex for no cost.

Let's think this way. What if you wants to marry a girl, but only thing she wants is having sex with you, and makes you wonder where you guys are heading to. Will it be pleasurable?

I will have to agree with myagony and cupcakes.
When I had the same problem, boyfriend of 5 years didn't want to commit. Your friends get engaged, married and you wonder why no one thinks you're worth it.

You should Google "my boyfriend doesn't want to marry me", you'll be surprised how many girls wrote about it, and guess what are the answers? -"Why would he buy the cow if you give him free milk?"

It's what I read too, after waiting for him to propose and he never did. After that, all went wrong. I was so disappointed I felt like I've been used. The rare times we were having sex, I was feeling like I was cheating on someone.

Let me tell you, I caught up with the next boyfriend! My ex must think I was frigid. Oh well, why make someone happy when they don't make you happy?

I will have to agree with myagony and cupcakes.
When I had the same problem, boyfriend of 5 years didn't want to commit. Your friends get engaged, married and you wonder why noone thinks you're worth it.

You should Google "my boyfriend doesn't want to marry me", you'll be surprised how many girls wrote about it, and guess what are the answers? -"Why would he buy the cow if you give him free milk?"

It's what I read too, after waiting for him to propose and he never did. After that, all went wrong. I was so disappointed I felt like I've been used. The rare times we were having sex, I was feeling like I was cheating on someone.


Let me tell you, I caught up with the next boyfriend! My ex must think I was frigid. Oh well, why make someone happy when they don't make you happy?

This is fair enough but on the opposite side.

If you're with somebody for X amount of time and you decide you want/should be married and that person has not decided that yet, is it fair to cut off the sex OR if your sexual desire disappears because you're not getting what you want 'marriage', that is quite selfish on some levels.

For example, you had plenty of sex with previous boyfriends but didn't want to 'marry' them, they were getting it for free.

It's a touchy subject but there have to be clear lines drawn somewhere.

Girl’s View Point of Love making & Sex

Girls want LOVE MAKING not SEX.
When girls think their guys only interested in sex with them, they feel they are free hookers, who are used for intercourse material.
It has no meaning, not fulfilling, and just shamful. If there is no sign the guys will make commitment after certain period time, girls will withdraw their feelings and prepare for leave. It is not only because their biological clock is ticking. They need to protect them from users.

When guys give her full commitment and affection, girls love back the affection.
She knows he is really into her and worship her. She is sure about his love, excited about their future they will have together, and invest her all feelings and emotions. In the case, making love is truly enforced, joyful, and blissful.

That’s why commitment phobia guys are not getting good quality love making from girls, but only get awarkward sex from strangers. Of course it is not satisfactory. They scratch their head and have to chase another girl, and complaining all the girls are same and only ask him to commit. They do not know how to be related to girls in the meaningful way.

We, men and women, love who loves us back, and treat well. Right?

Im still not getting it.

When you were 20 and had a boyfriend and obviously didn't want to marry him, I bet you still quite happily had 'sex' with him.

Also the way you discuss 'sex' or 'love making' is like a tool. We can make love, but if I set a period for you to propose by, then I suddenly have the right to deny you 'love making'. While this is true, you could indeed deny it, its not a great way to make somebody commit to you.

What if they treat you well, enjoy making love to you but haven't decided if they want marriage yet, is it fair to force them which is essentially what you're doing, by withholding sex?

Just my opinion, Im younger than most who posted in this thread but not less valid.

We, men and women, love who loves us back, and treat well. Right?

That made me laugh :D
I agree with all the rest though.

itsyerboi, it wasn't just a long term relationship... I did not have "plenty of sex with previous boyfriends" I met that person when I was 15 and stayed with him for over 10 years. We ended up getting married but it was too late, divorced 4 years later...
Anyway, it can seem selfish but I'm sure she's not "trying" to stay away from him. Her mind is controlling her body, like women not wanting sex after a devastating breakup, I honestly think she is getting ready for an eventual breakup because he's not making her feel like she's worth a commitment. Her body isn't answering.

That made me laugh :D
I agree with all the rest though.

itsyerboi, it wasn't just a long term relationship... I did not have "plenty of sex with previous boyfriends" I met that person when I was 15 and stayed with him for over 10 years. We ended up getting married but it was too late, divorced 4 years later...
Anyway, it can seem selfish but I'm sure she's not "trying" to stay away from him. Her mind is controlling her body, like women not wanting sex after a devastating breakup, I honestly think she is getting ready for an eventual breakup because he's not making her feel like she's worth a commitment. Her body isn't answering.

I empathise.

It's a difficult situation to be in. While her mind may not be allowing her body. This could be a saviour in her position but lead to pushing her man away on the reverse. He could view this is a preview to married life.

It seems sometimes no matter how you look at a particular situation, there can't always be a positive outcome.

That made me laugh :D
Anyway, it can seem selfish but I'm sure she's not "trying" to stay away from him. Her mind is controlling her body, like women not wanting sex after a devastating breakup, I honestly think she is getting ready for an eventual breakup because he's not making her feel like she's worth a commitment. Her body isn't answering.

A agree with your analysis. We cannot separate out body and mind.

He could view this is a preview to married life.


It was my first thought too, I was thinking "then she will want a baby and her family will tell her to give him another 6 months where they will only have sex to concieve"... Which drove me to the same conclusion as yours, i.e. no positive outcome.

It was my first thought too, I was thinking "then she will want a baby and her family will tell her to give him another 6 months where they will only have sex to concieve"... Which drove me to the same conclusion as yours, i.e. no positive outcome.

Yeah you're right, its very unfair for outside forces to add weight to these situations. Nobody should have to conform to their SO's familys ideals.

That's the great thing about ideology, its extremely subjective in nature. It suggests that everything we do is a reaction to the environment around us, i.e. I wouldn't be typing this post was I not reacting to my surroundings.

Her reduction of sex is probably a reaction to her needs not being met. I studied ideology in school and it was a very hard subject to understand. Mainly because there are no certain answers. Something can be one thing, while being another at the same time. Everybody creates their own discourse. With such uncertain outcomes, how can we every truly know how to act or actually react in any given situation.

Anyway, I need to get a life. Its Friday evening and Im sitting on the internet.