Hi all! I have come to this site for help before, but, could handle without asking questions by seeing what others have gone through. This time though I have never been in so much love with a person... thick or thin I want to be with her like never before. Background here is I stated dating her 2.5 years ago and we have done pretty good considering the circumstanes... her being married. I'm 49 and she is 42... so I know what the risks are here and willing to move on if need be, but I need some good advice from the smart people on here because I really want this to work. Don't call me bad or dumb for getting in this because it happens to the best of us... thanks for the respect in my time of need... so moving forward she is now is needing her space even more now that the divorce is really going through which I have always given her... so I finally decided to write her a letter so she can see it in black and white... she finally responded... so if you don't mind here they are and looking for your take on our future with this... constructive comments and what you guys think I should do... I think I should say thanks now I can move on or stay close as a friend and build from there? Thanks so much I really feel heartbroken right now

Well here is my letter and her response

> Hi Liz
> I wanted to write my feelings and thoughts of our
> relationship down and send them to you in the hope that
> you might understand more of what I am about and think hell
> I don't understand myself sometime:). I believe
> that we both feel pretty strong about each other and just
> have not had a fair shot at really exploring the
> possibilities and having that "chance" to grow
> into something more. I know that circumstance have not
> been the best, but dammit we've have done pretty good
> considering.
>
> From my perspective I just have been guarded about
> things... having that wall up and not wanting to get
> hurt(since when does a tough guy like me be scared of a cute
> skinny little blonde huh? ). No one likes that pain
> though... right? So when I sense that you need to have
> your space to figure your life out after being married for
> many years I back off... as much as it saddens me to do
> so... so that is why I do what I do... and am very sorry for
> that! I want to be friends always too, but want the
> love, passion, and affection that I have felt between us
> many times just as much! Just need to realize
> through my stubborn self that this will take time
> especially after all you have gone/going through.
> And I'm very very glad that you reach out to me
> when I have drawn back.
>
> Liz ever since I met you I've had
> this certain good deep down feeling for
> you. I know we did not start as picture
> perfect, but, some of the best things in life start this
> way and end up really great. I hope that in the
> future we can love, fight, cry, have fun and do all those
> great things you said you think about in the past
> on the text the other day... in other words get in a
> good ol fashioned down and dirty relationship that is based
> on respect, passion, friendship and love... I just feel
> like we could have that some day(and yes I'm glad
> that we have experienced some downsides to the relationship
> because when I really think about it we have worked through
> things and my feelings have grown stronger each time).
> So again when I back off the way I do
> its being driven by many different emotions and this
> has hurt our building of friendship in the
> relationship... it is my fault for not communicating
> this enough and realizing that I need to fix that... I hope
> u understand this.
>
> I called yesterday and it was an emotional day for me
> when the employee died... I really didn't know this
> person very long and we couldn't save her, but,
> with how life goes sometimes it really made me think
> about the more significant events in my life... which you are
> one of them and how I always say life is short or
> it's about choices and having your health etc... So
> I'm laying my heart open to you saying that I do want
> you in my life... I have always wanted you in my life... it
> was part of me moving here just in the chance that we may
> have that someday.. I know that it may not happen but
> hell I'm willing to risk that! I know that you
> are seeking to rebuild your life on your own and immensely
> respect that! I'm sorry but I did put a lot
> of meaning into us running into each other that day in
> Sandusky... we were soooo happy to be with each other... we
> cried and told each other that we loved one
> another. I was on
> cloud nine! So more recently as were are moving
> along on things you go to California, which is great!
> What scared me and this may not be important to others is
> that I wanted to see you before you left... even if it was
> for a short time, and you didn't make the effort to see
> me... and I know that you apologized(saying how you should
> have kissed and held me before your left) and I really
> thought that was great too! but, God forbid that something
> happened to either one of us... from my deepest feelings I
> don't want to experience this with someone I care for as
> much as you(and I know this is part of life... I love living
> it to the fullest as you do). So when you were out
> there all of a sudden 3000 miles away you are texting me
> almost every day telling me about stuff and telling me you
> miss me and how much I would like it there... and then I
> start thinking/hoping that you might miss me in Michigan
> like you are out in
> CA. So when you came back... again me probably
> reading too much into it or me not understanding that you
> were back in the area(michigan) where you have to deal
> with all the issues at home was wondering why she
> isn't texting or maybe paying more attention to
> me closer to home... so again it was me backing off
> to let you do what you have to do... I usually just
> go after what I want but under these circumstances I
> have to learn sooo much patience you
> know. I so much wanted to do something for
> your birthday... hell I want to do so much anytime... Your
> text about Key West really did my heart
> good... Absolutley loved going to Cedar Point with you and
> the kids! I also think of our other short trips we had fun
> on too... okay I'm starting to get carried
> away... ;)
>
> Remember how you use to call me all the time 3 4 times
> a day? Tell me about your issues or ask me what I
> think or just tell me about small insignificant things going
> on in your life... I loved that!. and I listened didn't
> I? Lol I like your kids... we like a lot of
> the same stuff... well you go to BEBE while I go
> mountainbiking lol There are so many memories of
> how you expressed your desire for me and me for u! I
> miss that... I know things need to go their course on
> many different levels... especially emotionally.. with what
> your doing. I really feel in my heart just like the
> chance in a million... fate... destiny whatever you want to
> call it when we ran into each other in Sandusky that we
> can set off on a journey someday together.
> I'm not asking for the world right now because I know
> it's not possible... I want to keep building the
> friendship, have fun, go on trips, help you with
> things you need help with, help me when I might be down
> sometimes... go to dan and debra's with you... I just have
> to keep learning since well we are always learning every day
> to practice my patience since good things come to those that
> meet in Michigan! Lol
>
> There's sooo much more I could write from my head
> and heart that maybe you haven't heard from me, but,
> just want to get this off to you. I'm sorry for
> some of my ways and do want you to know that I
> really do love you.


Her response
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I , just read your e-mail. I was looking for it and finally found it in my spam!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Your feelings and thoughts are very real I feel them too, your right, I wanted and should have seen you before I left to Cal. (Bad call on my part) However, it didn't happen and I felt sorrow for that for the whole duration of my visit...

Sometimes I wonder how I could have ever dated someone before I ever got devoriced. I realize by doing what I been doing is wrong and deseatful. I never wanted to hurt anyone especially you. I figured we were just having fun... But we both know it was more than that.

Pressure I have never been a big fan of. If I feel pressure, stress I back off. I have enough of that from other people-not that you were doing that to me at all I just mean I don't like letting people down. I feel at this point in our relationship that I was always letting you down. I didn't feel much of a person or that I could bring you much to the relationship.

I love so much about you!! I love the fact that you love my kids! I love that you were always there for me when I needed you most to listen give me great advise, our wonderful trips we shared I love our fights and disagreements too. So thank you so much for going through so many ups and downs with me.

Well I hope you understand a little more about me as I do you. I hope you know you'll always be a friend of mine!!
Liz










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One other question is given the way I treated her and how I was never into pressuring her does it seem like this could reset and then grow into what I want here?

Don't be silly. Look at your email and then look at hers... Hers is much shorter and says she is using you and you will always JUST be a friend. Time to move on. Plus you want nothing to do with a cheater. What are you doing with a married woman? Isn't that disgraceful.

Harshness alert.
She used you as a crutch whilst getting her head around her divorce-that's what it looks like from the outside looking in.
Now she s about to start her new life and she doesn't see you in it.
And when she was still married she cheated,so in any future relationship she might do just that when she 'feels too much pressure' or whatever.
Let this go-find someone who loves you and wants to be with you.

Any other words from other members on this? She still communicates with me about every week and I am just giving her space to fihure it out all on her own... I don't initiate contact... thanks r

Yes, stop contact and move on
She needs time to be on her own and find herself at this point.

** and the last couple years of dating should have never happened with her married, so this break up is just almost expected by what normally happens.

Best, NO and we mean no contact, this is not really to give her time, but to get you over her

You are upset because another man's wife left YOU?

It doesn't take the "smart people" here to realize that this relationship was adultery.

And she exposed her CHILDREN to it, first hand.

I'm so sorry, but her email sounds like she's talking to a friend, not a lover or a potential relationship.

I'd say you were her excuse for moving on and getting through her divorce - someone to talk to and have sex with so that she could detach from her marriage.

She's telling you - read between the lines - that she can't give you what you want -


I didn't feel much of a person or that I could bring you much to the relationship

She's saying goodbye and thanks for the ride.

Thanks for your replies. When I first asked her out she had stated that she was getting divorced and I should have waited until it was over. I know what I did was wrong and have started dating available women. If you guys could have heard the way she fell for me and what she said in the first year to make me feel like she was the one... I fell for it, but sometimes these things work out, and that wrongfully with my ego thought it would. I know I will heal from this and eventually find a healthy relationship were I can truly be happy again with someone.

It seems as if you're coming to terms with the breakup now.
I'd advice you to not stay in touch with your ex as that'll help you heal more quickly.
Wishing you a happier relationship in the future.

So sorry that things aren't working out for you, but I think you realize now that it's over.

I don't know if it's possible to be friends with someone you find attractive or have feelings for. No matter what she does or says, your mind is going to build a scenario where you get your girl back, and in the meantime, you have to listen while she tells you about what a good "friend" you are.

I'd go the no contact route and move on! There's a great lady out there waiting to meet you.

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A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it.