Hello:

I've been married for 15 years, together for 24 years. My husband hasn't worked in 5 years due to an injury. He isn't able to do too much and now he is in a rut. We are having some issues as well. We are trying to work them out. He informs me last night that he needs to leave to try to figure stuff out for himself. He feels like he's in a prison cell. I can understand because he has too much time on his hands. He tells me he loves me and that it's not the end. So until he leaves, how do I act around him? Do I spend as much time with him or just give him his space but let him know I'm there. I love him and don't want to lose him but I don't know what to do. HELP!! :(

I think you have the answer already in giving him some space but letting him know that you are supporting him every step of the way. Sometimes all that is needed is a little space for clarity. I think with the length of your marriage and the length that he has been unemployed, he may very well feel the need to regroup and get it back together.
However, if you feel that he is suffering beyond the norm and you fear for his well being you should attempt to discuss some other options with him. Depression is not uncommon in these circumstances. Do you fear cheating? What are your main concerns?

I know this is going to sound a little of subject but could it be your husband has no outside interests,and the prison is in his head.

Could he go back and study,meet other people?

Start his own business?

Retrain in another career?

Your partners,a team, I'm all for giving people space to work things out,and I do agree with that advice.. I just think a change in life and direction might be what's needed.. a new focus and a new mind set..

I think you have the answer already in giving him some space but letting him know that you are supporting him every step of the way. Sometimes all that is needed is a little space for clarity. I think with the length of your mariage and the length that he has been unemployed, he may very well feel the need to regroup and get it back together.
However, if you feel that he is suffering beyond the norm and you fear for his well being you should attempt to discuss some other options with him. Depression is not uncommon in these circumstances. Do you fear cheating? What are your main concerns?

I think that's the problem. He needs to do something but what is the next thing? It's hard to decide because he can't sit or stand for long periods. That is something we'll have to sit down and hash out. I just hope he can regroup while he's here instead of feeling like he has to leave in order to think clearly.

I was fearful of him cheating since August because he struck up talking to an old girlfriend. She's not in the province but that didn't matter. I think she just forced herself in the picture while he was vulnerable. I think he was able to tell her things that he didn't feel he could tell me and it turned into something more. But I think he realized that an affair wasn't what he wanted and that it wouldn't solve the problem he was having. I'm glad he figured it out before the worst happened.

My main concerns are that he gets out of this rut and finds something that makes him happy. If that doesn't include me, then I guess I'll have to live with that but I would still wish him the best. We have to work on him before we can work on us. I just have to have the patience and understanding needed by him. I just hope I can do this because it's hard living with him not knowing what's going to happen from one minute to the next.

Thanks for the response.

i know this is going to sound a little of subject but could it be your husband has no outside interests,and the prison is in his head.

could he go back and study,meet other people?

start his own business?

retrain in another career?

your partners,a team, im all for giving people space to work things out,and i do agree with that advice..i just think a change in life and direction might be whats needed..a new focus and a new mind set..

Hello:

Yes that's exactly the problem. It's trying to get him motivated that's going to be the hardest. All these things are what he's going to have to figure out himself. I'll be there to give advise and support. I'm hoping he won't do something like leaving to get his clarity. I'm hoping he can still do it at home.

Thanks.

I don't think you should sit by idly, and wait and see what happens. His decisions are going to affect your life enormously, and you have a say in what decisions are made.

Is he on permanent disability? If he is, there are so many opportunities available for him to start being productive again. There is job re-training, counselling, help finding work he can do, etc. Five years is a long time to be doing nothing. Why is that.

He may be in a rut, but he has to take some accountability for himself. I have no idea what his disability is, but I do know that he is only one of thousands that have had to learn new skills to become independent and productive.

If he is depressed, he should agree to see his Doctor, and talk this out. There are no shortages of resources in this country that won't cost him a penny that he could be checking out.

As to the old girlfriend. That is innapropriate use of his time don't you think?

So, he is capable of leaving, and has decided to 'find himself', and get out of his prison cell, I would be addressing that too, and not allowing him the luxury of knowing that he can do this according to his own time table. Find out what he intends to do, where he intends to go, and when.

I am sorry that I don't feel sorry for him. There are so many who are handicapped in many ways, and yet contribute and work, and don't sit on their behinds for five years figuring it all out.

You sound like a really good lady. I think some of the others could be right. Sounds like he may be in a depression!? He may need some counseling to get through the tough times. I feel sorry for his situation. It would have to be really hard to be active and working then suddenly have to sit on the couch and watch TV.

Thanks for the response. I know that I have to do something but what to do and where to start are my biggest questions. I will try to be supportive and let him know I am there for him.

Yes he is. I try to be helpful and suggest some things but it comes down to him finding something for himself and he will have to make the final decision. Yes he does have to take some accountability for himself.

My husband won't go talk to a doctor/counsellor. I have already asked him to. He is stubborn so I have dropped that. I can only show him that I'm here for him when he want to talk.

Yes the old girlfriend is inappropriate and I'm trying to deal with that issue. That I won't accept but I haven't figured out a way to bring it up yet.

He hasn't left yet so that's a good thing.

No your free to your opinion, that's what our rights are all about.

Thanks.


I don't think you should sit by idly, and wait and see what happens. His decisions are going to affect your life enormously, and you have a say in what decisions are made.

Is he on permanent disability? If he is, there are so many opportunities available for him to start being productive again. There is job re-training, counselling, help finding work he can do, etc. Five years is a long time to be doing nothing. Why is that.

He may be in a rut, but he has to take some accountability for himself. I have no idea what his disability is, but I do know that he is only one of thousands that have had to learn new skills to become independent and productive.

If he is depressed, he should agree to see his Doctor, and talk this out. There are no shortages of resources in this country that won't cost him a penny that he could be checking out.

As to the old girlfriend. That is innapropriate use of his time don't you think?

So, he is capable of leaving, and has decided to 'find himself', and get out of his prison cell, I would be addressing that too, and not allowing him the luxury of knowing that he can do this according to his own time table. Find out what he intends to do, where he intends to go, and when.

I am sorry that I don't feel sorry for him. There are so many who are handicapped in many ways, and yet contribute and work, and don't sit on their behinds for five years figuring it all out.

Thank you for the compliment.

Yes I think he's depressed, frustrated, etc. but how to get him the help he needs is another thing. Counselling is out of the question. I just hope that he can talk to his friends about it but I'm not sure they even know what's going on with him. I think he's kept it bottled up for so long, he thinks it's the best way to deal with things. I have told him that if that was the case, he wouldn't be going through what he's going through now. But he'll have to realize that himself.

Yes it would and I understand but I'm worried that because of the situation that he's in, he'll make some stupid decisions. He hasn't left yet which I feel is a good thing. But unfortunately he's still talking to the old girlfriend which I'm pissed off about because he's lying to me about it. I'm also frustrated because I want to talk to him about things but he doesn't. He says that things are fine and that things will either fall into place or they won't. He says things are fine between us, it's just the issue with him with all this free time. So I'm hoping that he will find something to occupy his time with soon and stop talking to her.

So I guess I will have to live my life and go on and see what happens. I will try my best to change things on my part and either they will work or they won't. We will either make it or we won't. Now if I could only do that without this feeling in my stomaching and wanting to cry all the time.


You sound like a really good lady. I think some of the others could be right. Sounds like he may be in a depression!?! He may need some counseling to get through the tough times. I feel sorry for his situation. It would have to be really hard to be active and working then suddenly have to sit on the couch and watch TV.

I really do hope that things turn around for you, and that he contributes to his own quality of life by helping himself.

In the meanwhile, have you considered talking to a counsellor yourself? You are carrying a great deal of stress over this, and it might do you good to talk face to face with someone who can offer some support and suggestions.

If you husband is unwilling to change, maybe it is time to seek out more of an independent life of your own. I don't mean anything drastic, but maybe join a club, go swimming a few times a week, join a class, take a course, that sort of thing.

Being with other people doing something that you like to do might lift your spirits too. It is sad that you cry all the time and you are stuck with a man who wishes to maintain his lifestyle as it is. You may not be able to change him, but you can change yourself, and enjoy a little bit of life.

No need for the both of you to be in a rut. Life is short.

Good luck, hope to hear you are doing better.

I really do hope that things turn around for you, and that he contributes to his own quality of life by helping himself.

In the meanwhile, have you considered talking to a counsellor yourself? You are carrying a great deal of stress over this, and it might do you good to talk face to face with someone who can offer some support and suggestions.

If you husband is unwilling to change, maybe it is time to seek out more of an independent life of your own. I don't mean anything drastic, but maybe join a club, go swimming a few times a week, join a class, take a course, that sort of thing.

Being with other people doing something that you like to do might lift your spirits too. It is sad that you cry all the time and you are stuck with a man who wishes to maintain his lifestyle as it is. You may not be able to change him, but you can change yourself, and enjoy a little bit of life.

No need for the both of you to be in a rut. Life is short.

Good luck, hope to hear you are doing better.

I hope so too.

I am seeing a counsellor. It's helping. I do need to get it off my chest.

I am going to try to find something interesting for me. It's not easy but I will.

Thanks for the advice. It's appreciated. I will keep you update.

Thanks again and take care.

Would he be open to some kind of vocational, or technical training? Does he have interests to pursue? 5 years is a long time to be idle.

I got it, find him a hobby something he can do that he enjoys a lot of.. Then tell him he did it great whatever he choses.. If nothing else if he wants to do something away from home then let him do volunteer work to help the charities like Second Harvest,or Goodwill, Salvation army places where he will feel good about what he's doing.. He needs his esteem back.. Maybe even his hobby will give him extra money on the weekends you can have a yard sale and sell his items or online in eBay. People make money everyday making things and selling them through the internet.. If nothing works then it is time for a vacation tell him you need time away too.. Then take off.. so many things a man can do for money or for just the home like fixing things around the house even that will help him feel better.. Invite friends over have a dinner party make it a fun time like play charades or bingo things that you both would enjoy.. How about poker lol.. So may things will work there's no giving up or leaving anyone just suggest these things to him find out what he enjoys doing and fix him up with tools or materials then you will have a happy man once again.. :) The list is endless and you both will be back together again maybe even more happier never know until you try..

I got it, find him a hobby something he can do that he enjoys alot of.. Then tell him he did it great whatever he choses.. If nothing else if he wants to do something away from home then let him do volunteer work to help the charities like Second Harvest,or Goodwill, Salvation army places where he will feel good about what he's doing.. He needs his esteem back..Maybe even his hobby will give him extra money on the weekends you can have a yard sale and sell his items or online in ebay. People make money everyday making things and selling them through the internet..If nothing works then it is time for a vacation tell him you need time away too.. Then take off.. so many things a man can do for money or for just the home like fixing things around the house even that will help him feel better..Invite friends over have a dinner party make it a fun time like play charades or bingo things that you both would enjoy..How about poker lol..So may things will work there's no giving up or leaving anyone just suggest these things to him find out what he enjoys doing and fix him up with tools or materials then you will have a happy man once again..:) The list is endless and you both will be back together again maybe even more happier never know until you try ..

"He isn't able to do too much "

Offering to work with tools, and do jobs around the house, will this give him an ego boost if he is disabled, and cannot perform these tasks?

Or will this make matters worse?

If he is disabled then he can paint or jigsaw puzzles,even plant a small garden with pots,or just watch TV or a movie of adventure type anything can be done no matter what his ability is we never give up on people because they can't ,can't has never done nothing.. He can do something read,talk,paint. Anything is possible.. Never give up.. Just Him knowing someone cares shows him anything is possible.. Being able to not do it will make it worse he has to want to do it and its up to his wife to entertain the issue with him she has to make it fun and exsciting with him at least in the beginning then when he has his esteem back she can slowly ease away and do what she does,work,clean,cook etc... Takes two for any relationship and together everything is possible.



QUOTE=jmjoseph;2099605]"He isn't able to do too much "

Offering to work with tools, and do jobs around the house, will this give him an ego boost if he is disabled, and cannot perform these tasks?

Or will this make matters worse?[/QUOTE]

If he is disabled then he can paint or jigsaw puzzles,even plant a small garden with pots,or just watch TV or a movie of adventure type anything can be done no matter what his ability is we never give up on people because they can't ,can't has never done nothing ..He can do something read,talk,paint. Anything is possible.. Never give up..Just Him knowing someone cares shows him anything is possible..Being able to not do it will make it worse he has to want to do it and its up to his wife to entertain the issue with him she has to make it fun and exsciting with him at least in the beginning then when he has his esteem back she can slowly ease away and do what she does,work,clean,cook etc...Takes two for any relationship and together everything is possible.

QUOTE=jmjoseph;2099605]"He isn't able to do too much "

Offering to work with tools, and do jobs around the house, will this give him an ego boost if he is disabled, and cannot perform these tasks?

Or will this make matters worse?[/QUOTE]

He planted a garden in the summer. He watches TV now. It's the momentum that he lacks. I have come up with some ideas but it's like he's depressed and the more I talk about it, the more he clams up. I tell him I'm there for him but I don't know if it's enough. He's stuck in a rut and doesn't seem to know how to get out it and I don't know how to help. The more I talk, it seems the more I push him away. It's frustrating just watching him.

I think your at a point where he must do for himself, so back away, and give him space, and do for yourself for a change.

Maybe seeing you happy, and active doing your own thing, is what he needs to start wanting to be alive again.

At the very least you can feel better for yourself, until he helps himself by talking to his doctor.

Then maybe its because you are too concern maybe he is trying to get you to do something instead of waiting and watching him. Or if you don't think that's it then I suggest finding yourself something exciting that you may like to do make sure he sees how much fun you are having whether it be cooking a meal or baking a cake,even invite friends over maybe he needs more people around him.. Maybe Thanksgiving will bring him back to you.. Mayeb he is getting this attention too much slowly break away and find yourself sa hobby like a jigsaw puzzle or anything he can see you enjoying yourself don't make it noticeable how concern you are he may get use to having all the attention on him so direct on your life see if he joins in with you in time.. Happy Turkey Day of all this advice something shall work I hope and pray.. Mary

Have you considered asking your counselor to stop by and meet your husband? The disability should cover home visits.

You might have to practice a little deception yourself to keep your husband from shutting the counselor out immediately, like not introducing the counselor as "Dr. Pat Whosis" but just "this is Pat Whosis."

If a fresh idea came from outside the relationship, would your husband be more receptive to it?

There is a person very close to me, that fights to keep a very simple life. Everyone has come to the conclusion that that is the way she wants it.

But why. I'm wondering if changes mean more changes, and that is too daunting a task to think outside the comfort zone that he has created. If he is not expected to do anything, he can't fail, or disappoint anybody- including himself. If he knows that he has to change in order to either live up to others' expectations, or his own expectations, then that would only lead to more and more. If he picks up the phone and calls an organization that can help him find re-training, then at the end of that connection, will be expectations to accomplish it.

It would be a difficult thing for him to admit that he is afraid, and that could be what is causing this rut, at least in part. I would be inclined to check this out with his Doctor, and run it by him as a possible reason for this place he has become too comfortable with. I'm not an expert in psychiatric diagnosis, but I'd be personally wondering about depression.

He may not think he can change, or he may think that it is easier not to try and thus avoid disappointment.

I think your at a point where he must do for himself, so back away, and give him space, and do for yourself for a change.

Maybe seeing you happy, and active doing your own thing, is what he needs to start wanting to be alive again.

At the very least you can feel better for yourself, until he helps himself by talking to his doctor.

I'm comtemplating doing this because there is another factor in this. He reconnected with an old girlfriend and even though she lives in another province, they talk everyday with texts. I have complained about this but he says I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I mad because he's talking to her and not me. He's not talking to anyone. None of his friends know what's going on in regards to the woman. They all think he's going through a change of life. I know he hasn't cheated on me. I'm not worried about that. I just want to know what they talk about everyday. We get along fine if I don't bring it up.

I have told him I love him and that I want this to work out. I have showed I'm there. He says 'we're fine, it's just him".

So I guess I have nothing to lose if I start going my own way because trying to talk to him just gets him mad and pushes him away. It's just easier said then done. But I'm crying everyday and thinking about this constantly and I'm frustrated. I guess if he wants to have an affair, it really doesn't matter what I do. I just can't help but feel if I back away, he'll take that as I don't care anymore and do something.

Thanks in advance for the support.

Then maybe its because you are too concern maybe he is trying to get you to do something instead of waiting and watching him. Or if you don't think thats it then I suggest finding yourself something exciting that you may like to do amke sure he sees how much fun you are having whether it be cooking a meal or baking a cake,even invite friends over maybe he needs more people around him.. Maybe Thanksgiving will bring him back to you..Mayeb he is getting this attention too much slowly break away and find yourself sa hobby like a jigsaw puzzle or anything he can see you enjoying yourself don't make it noticable how concern you are he may get use to having all the attention on him so direct on your life see if he joins in with you in time..Happy Turkey Day of all this advice something shall work I hope and pray.. Mary

It just comes at a full circle. He let me know one month that he wasn't happy and didn't know what was going to happen between us. I then started to make small changes to let him know that I agreed but I wanted to try and work things out. He agreed. Then later he says that he needs to find something to do because he's in a rut. So it's hard to decide what is right and wrong to do. Because one of the complaints he had was that I didn't spend enough time with him. So that was one of the changes I made.

Now with the rut thing, it seems spending time with him and trying to talk to him, is only making things worse. So I'm confused as to what to do.

Have you considered asking your counselor to stop by and meet your husband? The disability should cover home visits.

You might have to practice a little deception yourself to keep your husband from shutting the counselor out immediately, like not introducing the counselor as "Dr. Pat Whosis" but just "this is Pat Whosis."

If a fresh idea came from outside the relationship, would your husband be more receptive to it?

No I haven't done that because I know my husband would freak. He's adamant about it so I wouldn't attempt it.

I think he would be more receptive to someone else talking to him, that's why I spoke to his friends Tuesday night and let them know all that is going on. So they plan on talking to him because they didn't know it was as bad as it is. They plan on talking to him on the weekend so I'm hoping that will help.

There is a person very close to me, that fights to keep a very simple life. Everyone has come to the conclusion that that is the way she wants it.

But why. I'm wondering if changes mean more changes, and that is too daunting a task to think outside the comfort zone that he has created. If he is not expected to do anything, he can't fail, or disappoint anybody- including himself. If he knows that he has to change in order to either live up to others' expectations, or his own expectations, then that would only lead to more and more. If he picks up the phone and calls an organization that can help him find re-training, then at the end of that connection, will be expectations to accomplish it.

It would be a difficult thing for him to admit that he is afraid, and that could be what is causing this rut, at least in part. I would be inclined to check this out with his Doctor, and run it by him as a possible reason for this place he has become too comfortable with. I'm not an expert in psychiatric diagnosis, but I'd be personally wondering about depression.

He may not think he can change, or he may think that it is easier not to try and thus avoid disappointment.


You might be right but he won't talk to me about it. That's what's frustrating. I don't know what the next step is in reaching him because he won't talk to me about it. I haven't figured out another approach.