I went out with a man for a number of years and we split up very painfully as he was unable to commit and felt that he never could get pass a certain point and he would shut down (we were both quite deep intense people) I loved him very deeply and was very stung and hurt as a number of times we tried and we would get to this point and he would then lash out and shut down. Before we were lovers we were best friends for 10 years - we have tried falling out and not speaking for a couple of years, seeing other people but it never seems to go away, Ive never managed to properly fall for anyone else. We live far apart from each other - because of the hurt I felt I lashed out at him a number of times and I think we both said lots of things we regret. We don't see each other very often but when we do its like such a strong magnet pull to each other and no one else is in the room - he said very recently that he is scared of me - this has quite upset me - Im scared this has gone on for 20 years plus and it doesn't seem to get better or easier, we still tune into each other and I've had a rather emotional upset recently and am feeling very vulnerable and seeing him has made everything shake around in side of me again - I just don't understand how to move on from this one properly and leave it behind as I can't believe in my heart that its ever going to sort.

The best thing to do is avoid all possible contact with him until you've completely healed.

Every time you talk to him, you reset all the progress you've made. So you've only actually recovered from the last time you talked to him and not the 20 years that you think.

Stick to the no contact rules:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/nc-rules-faqs-332732.html

If you have the urge to break the rules, try reading this thread:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/fighting-urges-break-nc-rules-351302.html

Remember, if you break the rules, you go back to square one in your recovery process.