My wife and I have been together for going on 5 years now. I am currently in the military and serving a tour in Afghanistan. When I went through Fort Riley, KS, 2 other guys and myself went to an all nude strip club called temptations, this is the very first time I have done something like that since we have been together. It was a spur of the moment decision and I really wasn't thinking. The bad thing is, I tried to hide the fact that I went from my wife and she found out by one of my bank statements in the mail.

My wife has lost all trust in me no matter how long ago it was and how many times I apologize to her. I went home on mid tour leave and we are still extremely sexually active, but she doesn't want to consider what we have a marriage and continues to say things like "she has the most hatred for me than anyone else she knows" and it makes me really upset.

It has been almost a year since the incident and she is still upset about the whole ordeal. I don't know what else to do to make her realize that I am sorry and I don't want to ever do it again because it has caused her so much hurt and anguish.

First I would like to say Thank you for serving our country.. 2ndly.. OOPS!and 3rdly in my opinion she may never let it go and she may never forgive you.Do you have children together?

We do have a daughter together, she is going to be 4 shortly. That is exactly what she says, that she will probably never let me get over it. No matter all the good things I may do for her.

Have things changed? Does she treat you like crap or do you 2 get along fine. You just have to work on earning her trust. There may be a day she fully trusts you again. Then again she may never trust you. You can hope for the best here or move on. Oh and thanks for fighting for our country.

I'm a little confused about what went on at the strip club - why there were charges on your charge card. Were you getting lap dances?

As "Adam" said - she may never trust you; she may trust you. At any rate, she hasn't left you.

Obviously this was important and upsetting to her, possibly more about the money you spent and the lying than the actually going to the club.

Old saying
For a million things you do you shall never be remembered
For one thing you do wrong it will be remembered for your life

If I was your wife I would forgive, everyone can make mistakes particullary when out with the boys !

Things have not changed. We get along just fine when I am home. I spend as much time with her and my daughter as I possibly can while I am home. I think deep down inside she wants to forgive me, but she may think it is too early for forgiveness.

Things have not changed. We get along just fine when I am home. I spend as much time with her and my daughter as I possibly can while I am home. I think deep down inside she wants to forgive me, but she may think it is too early for forgiveness.


I'd sit her down, have the conversation AGAIN and ask her when/if she is going to "forgive you."

Is she upset about the strip club, the money or the lie?

I think deep down inside she wants to forgive me, but she may think it is too early for forgiveness.Hello C:

Too EARLY?? A YEAR is too early?? For going to a STRIP CLUB?? Dude!

excon

I'd sit her down, have the conversation AGAIN and ask her when/if she is going to "forgive you."

Is she upset about the strip club, the money or the lie?

More about the strip club and the lie. It was the whole reasoning as to why I felt I needed to go to the strip club as if I thought she wasn't good enough. I keep telling her over and over again that it was a one time ordeal. She doesn't believe anything I say because I am so far away and she can't see what I am doing on a daily basis.

I'm a little confused about what went on at the strip club - why there were charges on your charge card. Were you getting lap dances?

As "Adam" said - she may never trust you; she may trust you. At any rate, she hasn't left you.

Obviously this was important and upsetting to her, possibly more about the money you spent and the lying than the actually going to the club.

The charges were that I had to pay to get in and I was paying for some of my friends' drinks. I didn't get any lap dances but we were throwing dollar bills on the stage like everyone else.

This has been the 1st and only time that I have been to a strip club while being with my wife and we have been together for 5 years.

old saying
for a million things you do you shall never be remembered
for one thing you do wrong it will be remembered for your life

if i was your wife i would forgive, everyone can make mistakes particullary when out with the boys !

You are right and this has been the biggest mistake of my life. I didn't know that it was going to have such a profound effect on the way my wife thought of me as a person. If I had known the pain it was going to cause her emotionally, I would have never done it.

Hello C:

Too EARLY???? A YEAR is too early??? For going to a STRIP CLUB????? Dude!

excon

I guess every female is different and takes different times to forgive people for something that they did. I don't understand, but I want to give her as much time as she feels she needs to forgive me.

It was the whole reasoning as to why I felt I needed to go to the strip club as if I thought she wasn't good enough. I keep telling her over and over again that it was a one time ordeal. She doesn't believe anything I say because I am so far away and she can't see what I am doing on a daily basis.Hello again, C:

Sorry to break it to you, but there's TWO kinds of women in the world: Thems who trust you - and thems who don't.

We KNOW why you went to the strip club. You KNOW why you went. The whole world KNOWS why you went. Your wifey doesn't. Your wifey NEVER will.

Now, if it were me, I wouldn't/COULDN'T live with a partner who didn't trust me - especially when I did NOTHING wrong... So, I'd have to split.

excon

Salvo

Seems to me that your wife doesn't understand what happens at strip clubs

Its like window shopping with no chance of purchasing, all tease and nothing else

Sure I can understand why she would be upset, deceit is always mistrust, but seen as you had no lap dance personally and as you say you were just looking, then wow!!

Do she know what happens in these clubs or thinks it's a bordello house?

Salvo

Seems to me that your wife doesnt understand what happens at strip clubs

Its like window shopping with no chance of purchasing, all tease and nothing else

Sure I can understand why she would be upset, deceit is always mistrust, but seen as you had no lap dance personally and as you say you were just looking, then wow!!!

Do she know what happens in these clubs or thinks its a bordello house??

I believe she thinks that every strip club is like a whore house. She thinks that all men that go to strip clubs are pigs.

More about the strip club and the lie. It was the whole reasoning as to why I felt I needed to go to the strip club as if I thought she wasn't good enough. I keep telling her over and over again that it was a one time ordeal. She doesn't believe anything I say because I am so far away and she can't see what I am doing on a daily basis.


This is not going to be a popular response so I am going to brace myself for criticism.

That having been said - I think she's making a great big deal out of what basically is nothing IF the problem is simply going to the strip club.

Would I have a problem with my husband going to a strip club? No. Would I consider it a threat or insult to me? No. Maybe I'm not easily threatened. I don't know

Would I have a problem if he lied about it? Yes.

Why? Because I would wonder what else he was lying about.

She thinks that all men that go to strip clubs are pigs.Hello again, C:

I say again, I wouldn't/couldn't live with someone who thought that of me. I also wonder where your balls went. Aren't you the guy who wasn't afraid to face an enemy who had a gun pointed at your head, but you're afraid to let your wife know what's up??

You DID mention above, that she doesn't trust you because you weren't around to be WATCHED!! Dude. You're going to be WATCHED for the rest of your life.

Say bye bye.

excon

This is not going to be a popular response so I am going to brace myself for criticism.

That having been said - I think she's making a great big deal out of what basically is nothing IF the problem is simply going to the strip club.

Would I have a problem with my husband going to a strip club? No. Would I consider it a threat or insult to me? No. Maybe I'm not easily threatened. I don't know

Would I have a problem if he lied about it? Yes.

Why? Because I would wonder what else he was lying about.

I would have to agree with you on that. We have been together so long though, she knows me inside and out. She says that I am a changed person now that I made that huge mistake. That she doesn't know me anymore. I've actually tried to find her a male strip club to go to and maybe it may change her views on the whole situation.

When I am home, I am with her everyday, she knows where I am at all the time and I tell her everything that I am doing.

Hello again, C:

I say again, I wouldn't/couldn't live with someone who thought that of me. I also wonder where your balls went. Aren't you the guy who wasn't afraid to face an enemy who had a gun pointed at your head, but you're afraid to let your wife know what's up???

You DID mention above, that she doesn't trust you because you weren't around to be WATCHED!!! Dude. You're gonna be WATCHED for the rest of your life.

Say bye bye.

excon

We have a great relationship, so I am not going to let her go. Plus we have been married for 5 years and have a daughter together. It would be a nightmare to cut off everything that we have together,

First I would like to say Thank you for serving our country..2ndly..OOPS!and 3rdly in my opinion she may never let it go and she may never forgive you.Do you have children together?

You are right, she may never forgive me, but there is always hope right? We enjoy the sex together, she just doesn't want to call our relationship a marriage even though we are still married, because of what I did. She says she doesn't want to get too attached, but we already are. We have been together for a long time and have a little daughter together.

It would be a nightmare to cut off everything that we have together,Hello again, Chris:

Maybe I misjudged you. There are two kinds of men in the world: thems who like to be dominated, and thems who don't. If you're in the first group, I'll go away now. I'm a second group guy.

It just wouldn't work for me.. Now, I wouldn't just cut and run. I'd TRY to negotiate a solution... But, if she doesn't inherently TRUST you, I don't think there IS a solution.

This is NOT about strip clubs anyway.. It's about whether she feels worthy of your love. People who have to WATCH to insure they're loved, wouldn't believe they're loved no matter what.

excon

I don't think this is a huge mistake - and I'm a woman. But that is just me.

I agree with everything Excon says.

And as far as the sex between you being good - I've had great sex with people I just about hated so I don't think the great sex = great relationship equation works.

I couldn't/wouldn't stay in a relationship there was no trust and I was constantly proving myself.

I worked as a cocktail waitress, in costume - interesting profession - while putting myself through college. To a certain extent your wife is right - there are a lot of pigs out there. There are also a lot of guys who simply follow the crowd - their friends are going, so they go. There are also guys who simply want to have a drink and be waited on by someone in a bikini. That's how life is.

I think she's over reacting and you are listening to and experiencing her insecurities coming out.

And if it's an issue of trust - well, that's a whole other question.

Lie to my once, shame on you. Lie to me twice, shame on me. But, again, I couldn't live with having to prove myself every day.

I seriously suggest marriage counseling.

Regardless what she thinks, you didn't cheat on her. However--I'm SURE that's how she's seeing it.

You will NOT make it through this without counseling.

Was she this paranoid before you married her? If she was why did you marry her?

As far as going to a strip club... big deal. Looking at women dance nude is NOT the same as picking up a hooker.

Its no different than the difference between her reading a romance novel or watching many soap operas and going out and picking a guy up.

Looking is one thing... touching is another. And besides... has she told you everything she has done, everyone she has talked to, everyplace she went, everything she bought? I'll bet not.

As was mentioned... unless you get off on being dominated, keep in mind you can have great sex with a lot of women... not all but many of them. You ALSO can have a better relationship too.

Its cheaper and less agrivating to get a hooker when you need sex. At least you don't have to put up with her crap the rest of the time.

Relationships or marriages aren't about just sex... its about the between time too. If they are giving you non-stop crap... then why are you keeping them around?

And its damn cheaper to get rid of one at 5 years than it is after 10 years or more... doubt me talk to someone in your unit that's been divorced. Past a certain number of years... she is entitled to half your pension... you won't get away free right now but if you arebn't happy its best to resolve it sooner than later.


And besides all of that... Hell you are in Afganistan, with what you are dealing with every day... I personally think you have the right to see a naked woman every so often. You aren't sleeping with them.

Thank you for your service.

This is not going to be a popular response either, but your wife is a princess.

This is not about you, about the strip club or about infidelity. This is about her and her creating an ongoing drama around something that she could have let go of ages ago.

Ask yourself - why won't she forgive you? Why does she keep bringing it up and making you feel guilty? Why does she behave as if you have betrayed her? Why would she still be holding on to this after a year?

Because she can. Because she is unwilling to let go of something that keeps you apologizing, pleading with her to forgive you, telling her how wonderful, beautiful (add whatever other adjective you wish), etc, etc, she is.

She's a princess and she needs to get over it. Stop with the apologizing. Stop with the everything around this issue. Next time she brings it up let her know you've talked about it enough, you've explained yourself and apologized and that as far as you're concerned the subject is closed.

Let her know that if she wishes to talk about it more, it will need to be with a counselor present, so she can look at why she can't let it go.

Princesses sometimes need a firm hand. Start setting the boundaries.

Morning,

I spoke to my wife about this last night, she knows on the odd cocassion I go to strip clubs with my mates, and she is fine with that

She did make one comment though, she said,

"Your human you make mistakes, your a man and you make more than most"

The point is, if nothing happened other than looking, and you were ashamed of doing so, shows you care about her feelings to think it would upset her, lied about it, and then felt ashamed about that

All in all, you made a mistake, nothing more nothing less, as Gemini states, maybe she needs to see that is all it was

How long after your night out did she find out? How long were you lying to her before she read the banking statement? Did you try to lie after that?

Part of the problem I see is that you and she were and are in a long distance relationship. It's not like you go home every night or even every weekend or month. Realistically, before the strip club and since she found out, how much time have you spent in the same location as she is?

You both are in a difficult position that a lot of military spouses are. The amount of trust has to be extremely high to begin with because you know going into the relationship that you will be spending long months at a time apart. You have to completely trust that your mate will stay loyal to your marriage no matter what temptations may present themselves.

A visit to a strip club where 'nothing' happened may seem minor to most people, however, you obviously knew that it would upset her because you lied. That lie just adds more fuel to her insecurities of wondering if her husband like many other military personnel before him has found a 'playmate' where he is stationed.

I would suggest that if she wants to rebuild her trust in you and the marriage that she seeks counseling to find out why she feels as strongly as she does and how to let those feelings go. She needs to heal her own hurt so that when you return both of you can go to marriage counseling and move forward.

Credit card charge is most likely to pay the bar tab. Unless he tells us otherwise.

Credit card charge is most likely to pay the bar tab. Unless he tells us otherwise.



- Just a side note but if you were sneaking around (as she seems to think he was doing) would you put it on your charge card?

Maybe I've been an investigator far too long.

- Just a side note but if you were sneaking around (as she seems to think he was doing) would you put it on your charge card?

Maybe I've been an investigator far too long.I rarely ever charge things to the card at the store... much less a bar. But I saw people do that all the time.

I preffer to pay in cash... for financial reasons.. and less chance of ID theft the less you use it.

I didn't read any posts... just a quick reply. She might be dealing with trust issues... you two are great distances apart and she has no idea what is going on. She trusted you up till this point but you have done everything to rectify the situation and she still is persistent on not letting it go. There is only so much you can do to apologize and make things better. Giving her love and reassurance appears not to be enough. It is a serious issue for her if she isn't letting it go a year after the fact... if this is causing a major wedge in your marriage now then she needs to seek some sort of counseling to deal with trust issues. Sometimes women have more issues with the "dishonest" part and then begin to have trust issues.

How much is the tab? Was it a large amount? She may be thinking that you didn't just "look" at the girls... the best thing you can do is listen to her since we are so emotional (sometimes annoying)... honestly, she should have let it go a year later especially if your loving, affectionate and caring. If she chooses to stay then she should choose to move past it... punishing you on a continues basis will not bring you future success or happiness in your marriage. You will eventually resent her as she does you and it won't be happily ever after. Seek professional help.

She will never forgive you, because she thinks if she does, you will do it again, so she keeps the guilt going. That's her problem, not yours to be guilty about.

Personally I would care less if she forgave me, or not, she would just have to get over it.

She has other issues besides trust, and that's the face she puts on it, but there is more here on her part, and its fear. She is afraid.

Can't blame her, you're a soldier in service to your country (thanks for that.) Its enough to be afraid when your gone, and its add more fear when you're here.

That's all good but just understand that using her fear to hit you over the head is not fair, or acceptable, after all this time, so stand up for yourself and tell her you love her, but get over herself.

I would have to agree with you on that. We have been together so long though, she knows me inside and out. She says that I am a changed person now that I made that huge mistake. That she doesn't know me anymore. I've actually tried to find her a male strip club to go to and maybe it may change her views on the whole situation.

When I am home, I am with her everyday, she knows where I am at all the time and I tell her everything that I am doing.

First I would like to thank you for the service of our great country. May GOD keep you safe.

Your wife thinks that you "have changed"? Well, you have, right?
Have you not seen death and destruction? Possibly even killed?

John Wayne said in one of his movies(Alamo I think) when he was explaining why he was having a punching contest with his men before the Alamo.: "To get lard, you have to boil the hog".

Naked women (men for the women) are, and always been, a part of being a soldier, have they not?

The same goes with profanity, I'm sure, F@!$%$# - A !

Tell her that you went with the flow, to give you a BREAK , and that you only have eyes for her.

Then go to counseling, because she needs some major help with her insecurities.

At this point it is not so much about the incident as it is something else. Even when you take into consideration all the circumstances involved especially not being together on a regular basis thus the 'feeling of hurt' remains unresolved.

I also agree with Tal and Ex, that after a year of facing this guilt and not being able to reach a suitable resolution is unacceptable. It is now, in my opinion, a matter of control, she apparently likes to have you grovelling and this empowers her. Not a position that enjoys any longevity in a good relationship, not productive in any way.

It is time to make a personal evaluation of your future with her. Being subservient is not conducive to a healthy marriage, for either party.

Time for a search for your backbone (in this matter- not a reference to your courage), enough time has passed and you have apologized enough. The particulars of the indecent, at this point, are not the issue now. As I said, I believe that control is.

Time to 'face up.' You will feel better and it may well help resolve this. I feel that it is past time to draw that 'line in the sand' Christofanman and balance things.

And thank you sir, your service is appreciated and respected by me and I am sure by all the members here.

Stringer

How exactly did you try to 'hide'/lie about the strip club?

Is this really the only thing she is upset about or have there been other 'boy's night out' issues?

I am still trying to understand why, if you didn't know her reaction was going to be this strong, you attempted to hide the outing in the first place.

Honestly, I think it's fine for a guy to go to a strip club! My boyfriend and I sometimes for fun. It does bother me when he goes and I'm not there because he spends so much money. It makes a woman feel like they can't do it for you. I told my boyfriend that I can be his personal stripper and he liked that a lot better. It just makes them feel like they aren't as good as those girls. But you got to see it from her point of view. FORGIVE BUT Don't FORGET one quote I hate but I still live by.

Agreed, but unless there have been other issues like this one or something that involves trust... it has been a year. Time to resolve this.

Stringer

Seems to me that your wife doesn't understand what happens at strip clubs

Its like window shopping with no chance of purchasing, all tease and nothing else.. .

Do she know what happens in these clubs or thinks it's a bordello house?

Au contraire. Actually, maybe she does know what happens at strip clubs.

Local News | Feds say prostitution rampant at strip clubs | Seattle Times Newspaper (http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2004453793_search03m.html)

The clubs make their money by charging customers a $10 cover charge and $5 for soft drinks, and charging dancers $130 for each shift they work. The dancers make their "rent" back by performing private dances during which they frequently negotiate sex acts in exchange for money, according to investigators. Dancers arrested for prostitution at one club were often sent to work at another.

My advice. If you guys are otherwise getting along and she isn't bringing it up, then you should stop asking for forgiveness and stop bringing it up yourself. In time, it will become part of your past and if you continue to be honest with her, then her trust WILL return. I also agree that some of this is a reflection of her fears for you in other aspects.

Unless you really want to root around deeply in all this and go to counseling, I would let this go. Marriages aren't perfect and I don't think you have an absolute right to demand 100% forgiveness. She's being honest in saying it still bothers her. Honor that and leave it alone. You may want some closure on this, but, well, you aren't going to get it, in my opinion, and all you can do by bringing it up is force a confrontation that isn't good for either of you, your marriage, or you child.

Honestly, I think it's fine for a guy to go to a strip club! My boyfriend and I sometimes for fun. It does bother me when he goes and I'm not there because he spends so much money. It makes a woman feel like they can't do it for you. I told my boyfriend that I can be his personal stripper and he liked that a lot better. It just makes them feel like they arent as good as those girls. But you got to see it from her point of view. FORGIVE BUT DONT FORGET one quote i hate but i still live by.



Disagree - I don't think it makes ALL women feel like they "don't do it for" their man. As I said, I don't have a problem with strip clubs but I'm not easily threatened by other women.

As far as forgive but don't forget - if this woman can't move on, then it's time to end the relationship. I wouldn't want to pay penance forever and/or hear about it every day.

This is about her now, not about him.

I thought he said they were getting along fine as long as they weren't talking about it and he was the one who wanted forgiveness and didn't feel like he was getting enough of that. Did I miss something?

More about the strip club and the lie. It was the whole reasoning as to why I felt I needed to go to the strip club as if I thought she wasn't good enough. I keep telling her over and over again that it was a one time ordeal. She doesn't believe anything I say because I am so far away and she can't see what I am doing on a daily basis.

You got it, the reason I would say she would be mad would be the feeling that she is not good enough for you, you obviously do not need her (in her mind anyway), you need to find a way to let her know that she is what you need and you couldn't possibly need anything that she couldn't give you. It will always hurt her nothing can be done about that.

You got it, the reason i would say she would be mad would be the feeling that she is not good enough for you, you obviously do not need her (in her mind anyway), you need to find a way to let her know that she is what you need and you couldn't possibly need anything that she couldn't give you. it will always hurt her nothing can be done about that.


He's tried everything he can think of - I also don't see this is an "always" situation.

She needs to work on herself and stop blaming him - enough already. People have forgiven affairs and out of wedlock children more quickly and easily than this particular wife is forgiving a trip to a strip club.

(I have too much of a legal mind to use "always" and similar words.)

I worked for a few strip clubs outside of a military base (Ft Bragg NC) for a few years when I was stationed there. My best friend was head of security for a chain and I filled in when he had staffing shortages.

Yes, all sorts of nasty and illegal things go on at strip clubs. Some of them even involve the customers, although rarely. I also went to college and I assure you, the same things go on there. I went to a Jimmy Buffett concert... same things. Beach Party in Daytona... yup...

My point is that the strip club is irrelavant. She thinks you are cheating on her. And if she doesn't believe you aren't... time to find a woman worthy of you and your seemingly good self. Yes, I get that you have a daughter... but Dr Phil has a great quote: "A child would rather be from a broken home than in one".

He's tried everything he can think of - I also don't see this is an "always" situation.

She needs to work on herself and stop blaming him - enough already. People have forgiven affairs and out of wedlock children more quickly and easily than this particular wife is forgiving a trip to a strip club.

(I have too much of a legal mind to use "always" and similar words.)

Enough already - absolutely! What happened to forgiveness and compromise?

None and I mean NONE of us are perfect. Life is about understanding that at times we do things in our relationships that hurt the other person - but our love for each other helps us move beyond that point and grow.

Note the word 'grow'. Someone that holds on to something for a year is not interested in growth. They are interested in punishing the other person.

Enough already - absolutely! What happened to forgiveness and compromise?

None and I mean NONE of us are perfect. Life is about understanding that at times we do things in our relationships that hurt the other person - but our love for each other helps us move beyond that point and grow.

Note the word 'grow'. Someone that holds on to something for a year is not interested in growth. They are interested in punishing the other person.

Absolutely.

Yes he's serving his country... whilst his wife stays back home to raise their family. Which is another great service. Does she have needs? She's making an equal sacrifice! And then BAM!honey needs to play because let's face it he has needs, right? She has needs to.( I say mommy needs to get out and play while daddys out.. and see how daddy feels.. but we won't let him know.. unless she gets busted.) It's the lie,it's the distance between them,and the fact she's trying to raise THEIR family and do what's right,regardless of her *needs* otherwise we would be talking to her! I'm extremely insecure and it sounds like she is to.. u knew she would be upset. Sometimes we should sacrifice our own needs for the sake of another.. especially if we KNOW they would be hurt. Love is an ACTION not a butterfly stomach.

My initial reaction: she's putting the guilt on your shoulders to take it off her own because she hasn't been honest with you, and a strip club named Temptations is a perfect excuse.

No reasonable person would act this way. Something ain't right.

My initial reaction: she's putting the guilt on your shoulders to take it off of her own because she hasn't been honest with you, and a strip club named Temptations is a perfect excuse.

No reasonable person would act this way. Something ain't right.


You don't think a reasonable person would be upset because her husband went to a strip club and lied about it?

I question the extent of the upset and why she's so insecure about herself but that's another topic.

Maybe it's time to close this thread. Nothing constructive is being added.

Yes he's serving his country...whilst his wife stays back home to raise their family. Which is another great service. Does she have needs? She's making an equal sacrafice! And then BAM!honey needs to play because let's face it he has needs, right? She has needs to.( I say mommy needs to get out and play while daddys out..and see how daddy feels..but we won't let him know..unless she gets busted.) Its the lie,its the distance between them,and the fact she's tryin to raise THEIR family and do what's right,reguardless of her *needs* otherwise we would be talking to her! I'm extremely insecure and it sounds like she is to.. u knew she would be upset. Sometimes we should sacrafice our own needs for the sake of another..especially if we KNOW they would be hurt. Love is an ACTION not a butterfly stomache.

NO one said she wasn't doing something important too.

But seriously--he went out with the guys for ONE NIGHT, and she's still upset about it a YEAR later? That smacks of either a guilty conscience on her part, or of severe insecurity.

She NEEDS to get over it for the sake of their marriage.

And I know SEVERAL military wives--NONE of them sit at home and languish while their husbands are deployed. They keep busy, and go out with each other, too.

He's tried everything he can think of - I also don't see this is an "always" situation.

She needs to work on herself and stop blaming him - enough already. People have forgiven affairs and out of wedlock children more quickly and easily than this particular wife is forgiving a trip to a strip club.

(I have too much of a legal mind to use "always" and similar words.)

Apologies if you disagree but my ex asked me to marry him and three days later left me for a striper, personally if I couldn't forgive my husband for something over a year after it has happened, its not going to happen, unless she is hit hard over the head she won't forget what has happened, if she can't forgive by now I'm afraid it will be on her mind forever, yes if she is planning on staying then it is her problem that she can not forgive him and she has to deal with that and either leave him and stop all this misery or she needs to find a solution that works for her. Everyone is not the same so there is no answer we could give this couple that would help. An its not the trip to the strip club that she is not forgiving, it's the fact that he was not upfront about it, so I see it anyway.

There is absolutely nothing at all indication he has done anything wrong... nothing, I see an unreasonable, demanding and controlling woman with issues.

Doesn't matter where in Afghanistan he is... there is a risk. Some places are worse than others but the risk exists everyplace.

What's different between her getting her panties in a knot about seeing a stripper, and getting her panties in a knot because he had a few beers, "Might" get drunk and chase after women that for the most part don't want anything to do with a non-Muslim American.

For the uninformed... Afganistan is one of those places that almost exclusively practices arranged marriages. That means your parents pick your spouse... you don't. You DON'T have all the women over there dating whomever they want. I know more than a couple who were born and mostly grew up there.

Its NOT a free-for-all that exists in the US and some other countries around military bases. In fact it's the polar opposite of what the Philippines were.

I think it's a simple as she uses his choice to keep him off balance, whether its through her fears and insecurities that come from his deployment, or as a control point. Doesn't matter unless she lets it go to relieve the tensions, and deal with it in a positive way for them both.

A year is a long time to have a resentment, and not deal with it.

Nice summary wrap tal.

apologies if you disagree but my ex asked me to marry him and three days later left me for a striper, personally if i couldn't forgive my husband for something over a year after it has happened, its not going to happen, unless she is hit hard over the head she wont forget what has happened, if she can't forgive by now i'm afraid it will be on her mind forever, yes if she is planning on staying thn it is her problem that she can not forgive him and she has to deal with that and either leave him and stop all this misery or she needs to find a solution that works for her. everyone is not the same so there is no answer we could give this couple that would help. an its not the trip to the strip club that she is not forgiving, its the fact that he was not upfront about it, so i see it anyway.


He didn't LEAVE her for anyone. He went to a strip club. He wasn't even "smart" enough not to use a charge card to pay for it.

Sorry your husband left you for a stripper but I don't see the relevance. He could have left you for a schoolteacher.

Other than enjoying punishing him, why, in this situation, is the wife staying?

I wonder what the definition of a strip club is in Afganistan? They show a bit of leg below the knee?

I understand she is upset and all cause all Woman hate the fact that THEIR man was checking some other bimbos out. and I understand why you would hide it...because you obviously know Wife plus stripper is never a good conclusion. It was just a mistake on your part and she really needs to get over it. It's not as if your out there in Afghanistan cheating on her or she saw a charge to some dead in motel. While she's here doing god knows what...right? (not trying to make you paranoid) I think you need to go to some kind of couples counseling or have her go to counseling on her own to get over spilt milk.



Why do you think stripper equates bimbo? By definition, bimbos are uneducated, undereducated women. I'm sure there are strippers out there who would rather be doing something else but need to support their families.

And blaming the "victim," the wife by questioning what she's doing when he's gone is really unnecessary and inflammatory in my eyes.

Again - I think it's all been said. Time to close.

I'm leaving it open until it gets MUCH worse, or the OP asks me to close it.

I would just like to point out that there's a difference between education and intelligence. A bimbo or bimba (male bimbo) can have a college degree and a conventional job.

How does someone end up as a stripper single mother? I'm inclined to by sympathetic even if I don't like the business itself. I think a lot of kids grow up in situations that lead them into situations where they feel they have very few choices in terms of survival. If I'd had a kid at 17, I know my widowed father would have let me live with him and even helped me take care of the baby. Not every kid has that kind of support.

Anyway, I seriously doubt that the average intelligence of the audience in a strip club is higher than that of the performers. I'd be amazed if it was.

Itsamor---please be civil.

All of the strippers I knew were either desperate for money, or stripping to put themselves through school.

A "real" job doesn't pay up to $2k a week just for looking good--and if you think stripping is so easy, and not a "job", then why haven't YOU done it?

If you do not stop your slurs about strippers --which, by the way, have NOTHING to do with the original question--then I will delete ALL of your posts in this thread.

I hope that someday Christofanman can come back and give us more information or an update.

I'm in the same boat as your wife and I will tell you the two main reasons I cannot "get over it."

1. I was totally pissed when I found out because he hid it from me instead of being open about his whereabouts.

2. It made me feel inadequate. Especially since it happened while I was pregnant and just after having the baby when I still had the baby weight hanging off my frame.

I have not went back over the seven pages of answers, but stip clubs are not the houses of hookers and sex happening in back room. The better ones the customers can not even touch the girls, if they do they are kicked out.

Most of the ladies I know that work at strip clubs are just regular ladies, some have regular jobs during the day, like secretaries or clerks, a lot I know are college students that are helping to pay from college.

This is not going to be a popular response either, but your wife is a princess.

This is not about you, about the strip club or about infidelity. This is about her and her creating an ongoing drama around something that she could have let go of ages ago.

Ask yourself - why won't she forgive you? Why does she keep bringing it up and making you feel guilty? Why does she behave as if you have betrayed her? Why would she still be holding on to this after a year??

Because she can. Because she is unwilling to let go of something that keeps you apologizing, pleading with her to forgive you, telling her how wonderful, beautiful (add whatever other adjective you wish), etc, etc, she is.

She's a princess and she needs to get over it. Stop with the apologizing. Stop with the everything around this issue. Next time she brings it up let her know you've talked about it enough, you've explained yourself and apologized and that as far as you're concerned the subject is closed.

Let her know that if she wishes to talk about it more, it will need to be with a counselor present, so she can look at why she can't let it go.

Princesses sometimes need a firm hand. Start setting the boundaries.
First and foremost I want to say thank you and God bless you indeed for your service . I had to stop and reply to Gemini 54's post. Right on ! Again thank you and God bless .

Does your wife know that you are seeking advise online? That shows that you really care, and confussed on how to fix your mistake. Maybe you should show her you question and your answers, then she may have a change in heart. I understand how she feels, it is a horrible feeling. My husband did the same to me at Fort Benning GA. I guess I had to see for myself that he still found me attracted, and if he would have posted a question looking for help, I think that would have eased my worried mind. Good Luck

Chuck,
Since you didn't read previous posts, you may have missed that the FBI thinks otherwise. In these clubs, stripping is the loss leader for prostitution.

Feds say prostitution rampant at strip clubs
Local News | Feds say prostitution rampant at strip clubs | Seattle Times Newspaper (http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2004453793_search03m.html)


The clubs make their money by charging customers a $10 cover charge and $5 for soft drinks, and charging dancers $130 for each shift they work. The dancers make their "rent" back by performing private dances during which they frequently negotiate sex acts in exchange for money, according to investigators. Dancers arrested for prostitution at one club were often sent to work at another.

The beauty of this system is that the club owner can claim that the very thing that keeps him in business is not something he knew about or condoned. Apparently, though, the FBI and IRS aren't buying it this time.

I honestly can not believe how many women do not trust their husbands enough to allow them to go to a strip club with their buddies.

Seriously--how can you possibly EVER trust him out of your sight, then?

Either you trust him, or you don't.

I can see the OP's wife being upset by the LIE, but not by the strip club itself.

If you can't trust your husband/boyfriend to go out with his friends, REGARDLESS where they go, then you need to get your butt into counseling for your trust and self-esteem issues.

PS--Have known dozens of strippers in my time, and not ONE of them EVER turned a trick.

I'm in the same boat as your wife and I will tell you the two main reasons why I cannot "get over it."

1. I was totally pissed when I found out because he hid it from me instead of being open about his whereabouts.

2. It made me feel inadequate. Especially since it happend while I was pregnant and just after having the baby when I still had the baby weight hanging off my frame.

#1 Does he know everything you do, everywhere you go, everyone you talk to every day?

#2. That's a personal issue you should deal with yourself... not hold other people responsible for it.

People who "Can't get over it" are people with obsessions... that will destroy relationships over time. Notice I said people... not women... it applies to guys as well.

Chuck,
Since you didn't read previous posts, you may have missed that the FBI thinks otherwise. In these clubs, stripping is the loss leader for prostitution.

Feds say prostitution rampant at strip clubs
Local News | Feds say prostitution rampant at strip clubs | Seattle Times Newspaper (http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2004453793_search03m.html)



The beauty of this system is that the club owner can claim that the very thing that keeps him in business is not something he knew about or condoned. Apparently, though, the FBI and IRS aren't buying it this time.

That might happen in some places... but not all. Anyplace can be a front for illegal activities of any type. And the smart criminals won't gravitate to the obvious ones that would call attention to themselves.

Most strip joints are practically a license to print money... cash business, stippers pay the management to be able to strip there with a percentage... management gets free waitresses when they are not dancing.

WHy would they screw THAT up running two bit hookers from the joint.

Its easier to run an Escort service.

Now any place that does that is a really seedy place anyway... and will attract only scaggs frew want to see dance. And yes I've know a couple strip club owners. THey aggressively bounce people that violate the no touching rules... or anyone that appears to be committing any illegal activity on their property.

Around here you will see less illegal activity at strip clubs that you will see in City Hall. They have too much to lose.

This issue has nothing to do with strippers. If someone is going to turn tricks, the fact that they are also a stripper has little to do with it. Heck, being a stripper can be considered marketing!

I have known many strippers and prostitues in my life. Some strippers turned tricks, some would take money and then not put out (whatcha going to do.. call te cops?) and most just dance. What someone does doesn't necessarily indicate what ELSE they might do.

I worked with strippers, dated strippers, married a stripper/porn star and was duped by a prostitute.

Again, this is all about the wife and her unhealthy obsession.

Hell, none of the few strippers I've known would ever turn tricks... dancing for money, nude or not is a quantum leap from sex for money.

And I know a Married suburban mother of 4 (and a couple others) that does... regularly. Regular soccer moms if you ever saw them out and around.


Never make assumption based on visible career choices.