Hello!!

So after scrolling through a few threads on this site I decided to join and post my own thread. Hopefully something can give me some advise and help me figure things out!

My wife and I have been together 7 years, married for 4. We have two beautiful children together, ages 3 and 1. Our one year old was born 3 months early and spent 4 months in the hospital, so that was a very stressful and traumatic time in our lives. Over this past year we spent dealing with a hospitilized babe and financial issues. We started great, but with recent events and worried about all of lives stresses I feel we forgot to take care of ourselves. Two weeks ago on our anniversary day my wife told me that she does not want to be married anymore and wants to file for a divorce. Initially my reaction was shocking, I didn't expect it at all. Granted, we have not had the best relationship in recent months, possibly longer and I should have seen this coming.

She told me she does not love me anymore as a husband, can't see that happenning. She can't stand the thought of me touching her. She has been married before when she was young and mentioned that she can't stand the thought of marriage right now, needs room to breath and wants out of our marriage.

I am still trying for ways to hold on, talking to her, trying to find ways to figure this out and work it out while we are married. However, I noticed that any conversation about this is pushing her further away and just stirring her anger even more. I have learned not to bring this topic up.

She has asked me to stop calling her pet names, trying to hold her hand or doing things for her. This is a bit harder, but I am in the process of stopping all of this as well. It's easier said then done. But I do not want to put more fuel on the fire at this time. I understand she can't recipricate the feeling back.

Additionally, she told me that the only thing that will make her happy and possibly fix "us" is to dissolve our marriage. She feels we are better off as friends then husband and wife. Her idea is that we simply dissovle our marriage but keep everything else the same. Make no difference to our living arrangements, finances, house ownership, etc... (confusing.. eh!). This is what's going to let her heal, make her happier and she'll reopen back up to me. However, the chances of a possible romantic relationship are questionable. She mentioned that we may end up living like this forever and feels we'll be closer then ever before this way. Um... Okay.

Of course I don't want that to happen. I feel we should try and work things out now, understand our differences, understand what we both need to do to change and possibly even give it a timeframe. She is not open to this and feels she has wasted enough time waiting for me to change. (yes... I can take a big brunt of the blame for our differences).

So before anyone replies, here are what I think some possitives:
- We are not separated. No intention to
- We both still sleep in the same bed... can't touch each other but at least we are there.
- We just went out of state for a day trip together (our son had to come as she didn't want to be alone with me... but at least we did something).
- We are on speaking terms. No heated arguments or anything like that.
- We make small plans to do things together. Ie: movie this Sunday at home.
- Still keep our living arrangements together should we split (gotta think of that as a positive)

Negatives:
- Says she does not love me, like me, can't stand me, I make her vomit.
- Does not see a future in our marrital relationship
- Has taken off her wedding rings (although they are loose on her as well)
- Is dead set on doing a divorce without changing our living arrangements.
- Any thought of working things out totally upsets her.


I would love to hear some advice, encouragement, or simply what the heck do I do?

If ever there was a case for marriage counseling this sounds like it's the one. Whether you stay together as a couple, it would help minimize the damage that divorce would do to not only you and your wife, but the children. It would, hopefully, help her work through the issues that have obviously built up over time in her mind.

The last thing that I would suggest is continuing your 'current' living arrangements after a divorce. That is unfair of her to even suggest especially if she is unwilling to even try to work on the marriage. It would cause a tension in the home that will affect your children regardless of what you do to keep it away from them.

The only other thought I have right now is wondering if she could be depressed with all the stress and worry that you have had to deal with.

In response to Cat1864 - yes I totally agree with counseling. The problem is, she doesn't want to go at all. I suggested that we should go see a marriage therapist or a counselor, at least for a few sessions, and go talk things out. She did not want to. She mentioned she had suggested this before to me (obviously I wasn't listening at the time... ) and has no intention of doing it now. So how would I suggest going to counseling to someone that truelly doesn't want to go? Do I just make the apt and tell her we are going somewhere else?

I have thought about her being depressed. She did kind of mention that she feels the reason our daugther was premature was my fault. That also translates into her hosptial stay where she was in bedrest for a month and everything after wards. So I can't really say anything about that. The doctors said it was nothing she did, just a something that happens. The point is, both mom and daugther are prefectly fine now.

So am I thinking unclearly for even considering the arrangement she suggests? I have thought about letting her go because I do love her with the hopes of getting her back as she states. Common sense tells me that will probably not happen, but at the same time I'll also be able to see my kids. She wants to get the ball rolling on this asap so we can get it done and over with. I have convinced her to at least hold off until January, so I bought myself some time.

I'm tip toeing around the entire situation as best as I can. I have spoken with a few familiar members (my wife stated that we do not tell anyone, including family about what's going on and if we do get divorced it remains a secret) including her mom. Her mom is as confused as I am, doesn't want us to split up and would love for us to work things out.

(my wife stated that we do not tell anyone, including family about whats going on and if we do get divorced it remains a secret)
Let me see. She wants her cake and wants to eat it too -- live together without marriage, with your total emotional and financial support for her and the children, and pretend to everyone that the two of you are still married.

She's putting herself in control at every turn -- with the marriage, with the children, with the counseling. Marriage is supposed to be 50-50, and she's making it 100-0.

YOU go to a marriage counselor for a few sessions and get some guidance here. After all, in your vows, you two promised each other "for better or for worse" and you're in one of those two places now. The two of you are responsible for working this out, especially with an unbiased third party doing the refereeing.

P.S. I'm guessing she needs a medical workup -- post-natal depression maybe?

Lemme see. She wants her cake and wants to eat it too -- live together without marriage, with your total emotional and financial support for her and the children, and pretend to everyone that the two of you are still married.

She's putting herself in control at every turn -- with the marriage, with the children, with the counseling. Marriage is supposed to be 50-50, and she's making it 100-0.

YOU go to a marriage counselor for a few sessions and get some guidance here. After all, in your vows, you two promised each other "for better or for worse" and you're in one of those two places now. The two of you are responsible for working this out, especially with an unbiased third party doing the refereeing.

P.S. I'm guessing she needs a medical workup -- post-natal depression maybe?

Financial involvement yes... Everything is in my name, house, all the cars, everything we own. She is not on any of it. So in her eyes, I am continue on paying on things that I own.

So I go to a marriage counseler. How does that help me if I can't get her to go? I would figure the both of us need to be there? Would anyone know if something like that is typically covered by insurance (I know that's a general question). I would love for her to get a medical workup... how do I get her to go. She does have a check up with her obgyn on Thursday. Do I call the office behind her back and tell her that I'm the husband and think that possibly she might be suffering for a post-natal depression (although it's been over a year).

My first immediate step was to hit Barnes and Noble and buy a few books. So far I'm doing what all the books suggest. Give her space, do not chase her, do not call 24/7, no gifts, no nothing. Develop goes and go with it. Only problem is, I can not get her to think about it, go to a counselor or even talk to anyone. The only time she seems receptive is when I tell her that I am considering her arrangement. She lightens up. My next step is that I will not even bring it up at all anymore until she does it herself.

Financial involvement yes... Everything is in my name, house, all the cars, everything we own. She is not on any of it. So in her eyes, I am continue on paying on things that I own.
How would her life go as a single mom of two little kids, and no you around to help out?

So I go to a marriage counseler. How does that help me if I can't get her to go? I would figure the both of us need to be there? Would anyone know if something like that is typically covered by insurance (I know that's a general question).
I did marital counseling for Catholic Charities and later in my own practice. If only one of the couple came to me, I talked with that one for a few sessions and got their truth, and then called in the other person on some pretext. No one ever turned me down. Most counselors have a sliding scale or will take insurance (check with your agent or on their web site to find out if counseling is covered -- it often is).

She does have a check up with her obgyn on Thursday. Do I call the office behind her back and tell her that I'm the husband and think that possibly she might be suffering for a post-natal depression (although it's been over a year).
Post-natal depression can still be a problem, especially since the baby had a rough start. Plus, her dealing with two little kids can be overwhelming at times. Or it could be a chemical imbalance so blood work would be a good thing to do. The doctor doesn't owe you any confidentiality, since he is her doctor, so you'll have to decide if she would freak out if the doctor mentions your call to him. Of course, he doesn't have to tell her either.

The only time she seems receptive is when I tell her that I am considering her arrangement. She lightens up.
Of course that will make her happy. She'll "have it all" then. She's "won."

It may be time to accept that she does not want to be married. It is also time to step up to the plate and not let her walk all over you.

Agree to divorce, but tell her you will file for legal separation, division of assets, custody, etc. Do it right the first time.

As others have said, she can't have it both ways.

I am only going to presume she has already thought this might be a consequence to her demanding a divorce, but somehow she can dictate the terms, and you just wait for her to change her mind, or get back to the way it was.

If you choose to be treated this way, that's your call. But, if you can see that by not protecting yourself and your own future, you are going to remain walking on egg shells, and she is going to keep running you into the ground.

Do you really want to live like that?

My opinion: don't even agree to the divorce to her. Just have her served with divorce papers, granting you full custody, all the assets, child support from her and an order for her to leave the house.

Bet you a beer that her tune changes AWFULLY fast.

My opinion: don't even agree to the divorce to her. Just have her served with divorce papers, granting you full custody, all the assets, child support from her and an order for her to leave the house.

Bet you a beer that her tune changes AWFULLY fast.This is probably the best way to go. Let me add, hire a lawyer ; one with family law experience. Play hardball ; then, if her tune does change, like this poster suggests, then you can make counseling a condition for you calling off the divorce. If you do get divorced you want your freedom, and at as little expense as possible ; continuing to remain domiciled together and share everything as a couple is just plain crazy.

Go to the doctor's visit with her. Be honest that you have a couple of questions for the doctor that might help you decide to give her the divorce.

I do think consulting a lawyer is a good idea for several reasons. Making sure you have a current will being one of them.

As for counseling, tell her that you won't even consider a divorce until she goes to at least five counseling sessions. That you will ask everyone about how they feel about divorce if she doesn't even consider going.

Thinking a little more about your situation, and I'm wondering what was happening before she became pregnant with your second child.

Could she have been having an affair? Were you at all suspicious?

Seems odd that after the baby is a year old, she is demanding so many 'conditions'- all to her benefit.

Is it possible that there may have been, or is, another man in the picture?

Thinking a little more about your situation, and I'm wondering what was happening before she became pregnant with your second child.

Could she have been having an affair? Were you at all suspicious?

Seems odd that after the baby is a year old, she is demanding so many 'conditions'- all to her benefit.

Is it possible that there may have been, or is, another man in the picture?

I was thinking that way until I thought about how much she wants to keep it all secret. That doesn't benefit leaving him for another man or woman.

I think it may be closer to wanting to punish him for all the wrongs he has committed or she thinks he has.

Sorry guy, but her terms are unacceptable. While she may be still recovering from her last birth and all the complications that came with it, no way do you agree to her terms.

As the others have said know your rights, and what you can do, as married people split the assets, and get the judge to decide custody, visitation, and support.

No she doesn't dictate terms they are negotiated whether she likes them or not. But you really need to stand your ground and make sure your being fair to yourself, and keep your actions above board, and direct.

I like Stevetcg's idea. I think you force her to think in terms of your going to not let her walk over you and get what ever she wants when ever she wants.

Secret divorce my!! Better see a doctor and get some chill pills, that would be my position.

Had to spread the rep, out of greenies!

To Cat, maybe the secret part of all of this to the wife, is maintaining a relationship outside the marriage in secret, being divorced, and having all the benefits of marriage at the same time. She could be seeing a married man. She could be testing the waters to see if 'he' is going to leave his wife, without fully giving up her own husband and lifestyle first. A plan in the works? Testing the waters?

I know it's a long shot, but things just don't add up.

Plus I always wanted to be a script writer for the Young and the Restless.

A word of caution.

Don't play games with Divorce. File ONLY if you intend to go through with it. Consulting a lawyer to know your rights is always a good idea. However, remember that there are children involved in this mess and they need for both of you to be mature adults. If you decide to separate or divorce, be reasonable. Your name may be on everything, but she has rights too.

Wow. Great advice everyone! Thank You. I went out with some old friends last night and it sure felt great. To Jake2008, I have thought about that have had some suspicion lately, well I guess mostly assumptions on my part. I don't want her to not trust me or think that I am following her around or checking up on her as that will cause this situation to even be worse. However my suspicion has been aroused. She works a night shift, typically from 10PM to 8AM. Conveniently she has been called to work additional hours quite a bit. Never thought about this before as work always called to confirm her additional hours. Now that I think about it, all this OT can be going towards paying for a divorce lawyer. This is also quite convenient to hide anything if you ask me. On Saturday nights I have to work until 11PM and she has her "girls night out" lately and has been coming home between 4-5AM. I am tolerating this as I know who she is going with, but I can't control who she meets. I just now checked our cell phone records and contact entries and she has an entry named "9-26 Truck" with a phone number next to it. It lead to a cell phone and some guy answered it. Conveniently that date is one of the Saturdays she went out. I confronted her about this today in the morning, in the most polite way. At first I was told it was someone from the bowling alley (she's on a league), then one of our friends and 20 minutes later a call back saying it's a guy from work that she couldn't have his name shown. Aparantly she works with his girlfriend and she is trying to help their relationship out and doesn't want the girlfriend to see when he calls, so hence it not being named. I don't know if I should believe this or call bull on it.

She immediately threatened that if I keep accusing her of cheating and finding affection elsewhere she will. "If affection presents itself I might just act up on it as it doesn't matter anymore since we are thru". WTH!! Anyway... I know when to step away from a fight so I stepped away.


Well.. I was interrupted in my typing. We just blew up at each other. This was the most heated argument we have had regarding this entire situation. She started yelling that she is done with marriage period... that it sucks. Of course I told her it sucks and my voice grew louder and that nothing is ever perfect but you work things out. Well... typical reaction, pissed off doesn't want to hear it up in the bedroom slammed the door.

I am thinking I need an attorney for my own sakes... Somebody advised me I should keep a list of her comings and goings in case this gets to the point where it turns ugly.

Talk to an attorney, and CYOA (cover your own a$$).

I figured she was hiding something, or up to something. I would be highly suspicious too.

As Talaniman said, CYOA!! Seriously. Get a lawyer. Start documenting everything, even without 'proof'.

I would bet both my left feet that she's got somebody on the side.

Okay... So we had a major blow up this morning. Actually, we never had a fight this big and this bad. A lot of anger came out, a lot of emotions, a lot of tears. I actually saw her break down and cry for the very first time in a long time. I think all this crap is just bottled inside of her and just needs to be released.

Yes it started with me questioning the suspicious phone numbers. But after our talk (if you want to call it that.. more like a vigorous yelling) I truelly believe there is absolutely no one on the side. Will I keep my radar up, sure... but I will give her the benefit of the doubt.. yes. She broke down and finally told me that she feels the concept of marriage is what broke us and what is the "broken" piece between us. I took all the love out of it. She is harnessing these feelings out from her prior two failed marriages (both at a young age and both were physical). She feels she is the cause of the failure and collapse and hence and the commonality is marriage within all three marriages. She wants to take the marriage aspect out of the equation.

Okay.. I respect that, to me my logical next step would be to just give it some time. Counseling and what not. She doesn't want to do that because she made those attempts previously to me and I ignored them, so now it's too late. I can't deny that, I did. She's not all to blame, it's more like a 60/40 split with me being on the 60 side.

During the yelling and screaming and tears going down her face she mentioned that if it ever occurred to me that the reason she is suggesting to keep our living arrangement identical and not change a thing is that she wants to start from new... from a friendship level. She mentioned that if she wanted to, she would have just served me with papers immediately but does not want me out of her life. To her, this is the only way she can fix what's wrong with us. What I figured out is she wants to take our relationship back four years, when we weren't married but dating. These were our best years. I think she wants to start back from there. It's also the reason she didn't want anyone to know because she feels that when we work it out, we just get remarried in city hall and no one would ever have to know. Not sure if that makes any sense, but none of this does right now.

So I told her that I would be open to her suggestion but still have questions. Additionally, since this is what she wants to do and how she feels it's going to fix us I laid out some of my own requests. I told her that from this day forward we should consider us friends or "it's complicated". We should start working on our friendship and rebuilding our trust with each other instead of waiting for D day to start the healing process. (I bought 2 or 3 months and convinced her to wait until January or so). She couldn't agree to it 100% but will have an open mind to that. That's a lot more then last week, so I guess that's progress. I also requested that if/when should her arrangement go through, prior to finalizing it I request anywhere between 1 to 3 counseling sessions. I didn't get an agreement on that but will work on that.

That's pretty much it. We actually were able to hug each other and she allowed me to give her a kiss. It was on the cheek but at least it was something!

I think once you think about this, and think through what has just happened, you may come to the same conclusion as before. Nothing has changed, and she is still calling the shots.

Go back 4 years, after getting divorced, and start over. In secret. Then, if it works out, go to City Hall and get married- again. Why does this have to be a secret- who's needs are being met here by 'the secret'.

Because you didn't want counselling in the past, does in no way, dictate that it isn't desperately needed now. Don't let her use that as an excuse. You're letting her off the hook here.

Nothing will work without going forward, not backwards. To re-start an established marriage on her terms sounds absolutely ridiculous to me. She is in exactly the same position, as are you, before the tears came. You falling for it, has me wondering why.

Why are you accepting her terms. Why is she demanding them.

I still say there is far more to her story than you know.

Marioski, your username should be ping-pong ball. You are being played back and forth. Go get a lawyer, Monday.

I see no future for this relationship whatsoever, between her manipulation and your stubborn refusal to open your eyes. Yes, you're partly to blame, BUT SO IS SHE!

Maybe she does want to go back to dating, but the key here is her insistence on secrecy. If her family hears she's quit again it may actually help.

Do not let her do this to you. Get yourself a lawyer. Get her a Doctor. Oh, yeah, get yourself a priest or minister who boxes to smack you when you go blind to her needs on the off chance you can work things out.

Well her parents know now. Her mom is fairly disappointed in this entire situation and how it's being handled by her. Unfortunately, she knows her daughter better then I do and said that once she has made her mind up that's it and see figures there's no turning back now. I had asked her to talk to her and she will.

I do need to talk to her dad. I plan on going over to their house this week, sit down with the both of them and discuss this. Maybe they can help.

My parents know as well. She wanted to talk to wife, if I can call her that, and see if she can talk some sense into her.

This whole situation is just an emotional rollercoaster. I will call a counselor on Monday and make an appointment. At least then I know I'm doing everything I can on my part.

Well her parents know now. Her mom is fairly dissappointed in this entire situation and how it's being handled by her. Unfortunately, she knows her daughter better then I do and said that once she has made her mind up that's it and see figures there's no turning back now. I had asked her to talk to her and she will.

I do need to talk to her dad. I plan on going over to their house this week, sit down with the both of them and discuss this. Maybe they can help.

My parents know as well. She wanted to talk to wife, if I can call her that, and see if she can talk some sense into her.

This whole situation is just an emotional rollercoaster. I will call a counselor on Monday and make an appointment. At least then I know I'm doing everything I can on my part.

She wants it to be a secret? Post it as your Facebook status. :-D

She wants it to be a secret? Post it as your facebook status. :-D


LOL. I actually kind of did. I just my relationship status on Facebook and put out a comment that will get people to think. Already had a bunch of people call me on it.

You've already gone behind her back and brought in her family. That's not good. She will only be defensive and blame you now. Get your butt to see a lawyer ASAP, and be armed with the truth of your power and the limits of hers. Then at least she can't intimidate or frustrate you with words of a "secret" divorce.

With that knowledge, at least you can have your side in this and not all hers. Before the counseling, the consultation with an attorney in family law.

That's how you can confront her idiotic demands that are making a wuss out of you so you can FORM a plan to get to the truth, and not be blindsided if she is already seen one.

Once she is convinced you will stand, and just not rollover, she comes with it, divorcing you, or has to stop, and think of her next move to get what she wants. I bet the last thing she wants to hear is your leaving, and she has to pay you half the mortgage, and all the utilities, or SHE has to go.

Why take her crap when she has as much to loose as you do.

Facebook may be good way of keeping in touch with other people, however, it is not a good way to work out your marital problems. Playing games with putting up notices or changing your status is childish and something that I am very tired of seeing teenagers do.

Act like an adult. Remember that there are CHILDREN caught up in the mess that you and your wife have managed to create.

Banging doors and shouting is bad enough for one morning. They don't need 10 years of daddy and mommy at each other's throats and that is where this is headed with consulting parents behind her back and her wanting to keep things 'secret'. Don't allow her manipulations and demands to cause you to lose sight of the fact that you have a duty to keep things on as amicable a basis as you can. Whether your marriage survives or not, you have to be able to communicate for the rest of your lives about raising your children and other events in their lives.

Counseling should help you both determine whether the marriage is salvageable or to be able to part on amicable terms for the sake of the CHILDREN.

Facebook may be good way of keeping in touch with other people, however, it is not a good way to work out your marital problems. Playing games with putting up notices or changing your status is childish and something that I am very tired of seeing teenagers do.

Act like an adult. Remember that there are CHILDREN caught up in the mess that you and your wife have managed to create.

Banging doors and shouting is bad enough for one morning. They don't need 10 years of daddy and mommy at each other's throats and that is where this is headed with consulting parents behind her back and her wanting to keep things 'secret'. Don't allow her manipulations and demands to cause you to lose sight of the fact that you have a duty to keep things on as amicable a basis as you can. Whether your marriage survives or not, you have to be able to communicate for the rest of your lives about raising your children and other events in their lives.

Counseling should help you both determine whether the marriage is salvageable or to be able to part on amicable terms for the sake of the CHILDREN.


Good points. Sometimes you just need to walk away. I don't know what tempted me but I looked at the phone records again. They are updated in real time. The number I was concerned about has texted her through out the entire day. She is going out tonight. I would love to ask her more about it, but I am not. It won't serve me any purpose at all. I won't attain any goal. Thank you to my friends for calming me down.

I told her I have scheduled an apointment for counseling. Her reply was "That's nice but we won't need that for a while". No we need that now, but I'm not going to read into it any further then that. I simply replied, it's not for you it's for me, if you like to come you are more then welcome. I got no reply other then she will pick up the phone.

I told her I have scheduled an apointment for couseling. Her reply was "That's nice but we won't need that for a while". No we need that now, but I'm not going to read into it any further then that. I simply replied, it's not for you it's for me, if you like to come you are more then welcome. I got no reply other then she will pick up the phone.

That is probably the best way to handle discussions about counseling right now.

Do consult a lawyer, too. Like I said there are many reasons besides divorce. Not to borrow trouble, but if you have a will, it may be an idea to have any assets you hold outside of the marital ones to be held in trust for the children or to name the individuals you want them to go to.. I would also name one of your parents as trustee for any trusts that you set aside for the children. It's not that I think she wouldn't uphold any plans you have made in the past, but she does seem a bit unstable right now.

I hope the counseling can help give you more tools for handling situation.

I think she is setting you up to take you to the cleaners myself, taking everything and leaving you nothing. That's why a lawyer makes more sense now than a counselor. To protect yourself.

You're the puppet and she's holding the strings here. Everyone has said it much better than I could possible do so.

Protect yourself and your rights to see your children. Protect yourself financially and personally because I can guarantee she will start to make up stories and twist your words and actions. Do not argue with her or put any more comments on Facebook.

Do not be naïve. Get professional legal advice and document all your suspicions about late night working and phone calls from trucker-guy.

It's hard at a time like this but you must try to think clearly and not be 'gaslighted' by her promises. Treat everything she says as potentially dishonest and don't let your (understandable) desire to fix things get in the way.

So here's a thought.

Let's assume there is someone on the side. I am wondering that maybe this person might not technically want to mess around with a married woman or my wife is feeling guilty for messing around and in order for her to continue the relationship she wants to do this immediate divorce. However, she wants to do this living arrangement in case it doesn't work out and that way she can fall back on me.

Hmmm...

And why should she go to counseling? That's nothing to "fix." If the other-guy thing doesn't work out, she can always remarry you because she knows you will take her back in an instant.

So here's a thought.

Let's assume there is someone on the side. I am wondering that maybe this person might not technically want to mess around with a married woman or my wife is feeling guilty for messing around and in order for her to continue the relationship she wants to do this immediate divorce. However, she wants to do this living arrangment in case it doesn't work out and that way she can fall back on me.

Hmmm...

That's exactly what I said. IF it is true, and 'the secret' is a man on the side, then it is a win-win for her if you go along with her plan.

I don't think you have any idea what you are really dealing with here.

Think about terms of your own, without any secrets. And let her know its going to be all above board, no silence, all out in the open. Let the cards fall where they may.

First thing Monday, call in to work sick and hire a family law attorney, before noon. They are also called counselors. Odds are she has one. Get your assets and your childrens' rights secured. I predict this is going to turn into a headline and you need to be prepared for the worst.

Thank you to everyone for all the words and advice. I also spent some time talking to a very close friends mom. She is unbiased and away from the entire situation to sway her decision. I have a game plan and that is to protect my own in this situation. Hope for the best - expect the worst. I came to the conclusion my wife feels she has no control over anything. The walls are caving in. Between the issues with the baby (where she had absolutely no control), being sleep deprived at her job due to doing an over night shift (health care), coming home to two active kids and having to watch them, finances, a husband that she feels does not listen... well she feels overwhelmed and out of control. She needs to have control over one aspect in her life and that's me via a divorce. Her goal is set and unfortunately I don't think I'll change her mind. I am playing along with her as I think her proposal stacks the cards up in my favor anyway (especially with the division or marital property - she doesn't want to claim any of it), however have a plan B and discuss with my lawyer her plan and if it favors me so I can kick her out of the house later if need be.

I will be getting a consultation from an attorney to figure out what my rights are and how I should plan this out. My job also has an Employee Assistance Program that offers counseling, therapy and support. Fortunately my job allows me to balance work and family great, especially in stressful times. I will be calling them first thing tomorrow and setting up some sort of support for myself. I will be documenting all the times she is going out to have her "girls night out" while I am at home watching the kids. I will be getting myself back together to show that I am the more stable parent emotionally and financially should a custody issue arrise.

In the meantime... I will accept her plan (with a plan of my own on top of hers) to make her feel she is in control. I am also giving her her space. I have already suggested that she go move in with her parents for 6 months, stress parents only while I will make sure to have the kids taken care of and everything else. She is considering that.

Everything that may have been a "bad" post on Facebook has been removed. No need to give anyone any ammunition against me. I am the more stable person here.

I will update you guys with any behavior changes with my wife. I can honostly say she's not cheating on me (yes... I know someone will say I'm an idiot) but my gut says she's not. She is probably getting and seeking attention and of course she can't do that from me. I can say she's not acting on it. Like I said, I'm hoping for the best. I know the process is going to take a few months and if she gets her space and feels herself regaining control, then just maybe we might have a chance. Otherwise I still will be making sure to cover my own a$$.

I am glad to see your proactive in your own behalf and not taking the wallowing in self pity route and doing nothing.

I wish you luck, and hope it works out.