Hi everyone! Thanks for taking your time to read this post.

I am currently 18 years old.
For a few months, I have been feeling a very uncomfortable emotion in the presence of a potential girlfriend ( even if it was just a crush as well ). I am not sure why I have been experiencing this feelings, It feels like having a sense of guilt , regret and "being chained/shackled". Earlier I thought this feeling was around because I wasnt with the "right" or the "ONE" girl in my life. However as time passed, I realised this feeling is persistent all around since the beginning of this year.

Earlier this year, I went on a date with an online girl, she said that she was in love with me and I took the chance to meet her. After the date, I decided to meet her at her home to clarify our feelings. In my mind back then, I saw this as an "Opportunity". Despite being really confused between my brain and my heart , being single for all this years , I took this chance to ask her to be my girlfriend. She agreed.

That very night, as I was walking her back to her home, she suddenly held my hand ( like a couple). At that moment, I felt that very same emotion , which feels like regret and being shackled. I wasnt sure why I felt it , it was terribly uncomfortable. And a few days later, I intiated the break up.

Initially I felt like I was free but as time passed, I began to start feeling the same emotion again. The very thought of having another girlfriend , holding her hands or anything, seems to create this emotion. Until now I have been feeling the same emotion that frequently comes and goes. I don't feel this way when I am around my "girl-friends" but when a girl holds my hands just for fun, the emotion will suddenly return.

I will elaborate slightly on my background when I was younger at around 10 years of age. At such an early age, I have experienced several happenings. I apologize but I won't go into much detail. There was a sexual experience with an older female teenager when I was younger. We didn't have sexual intercourse but did other acts. At such a young age, I was exposed to sexuality in what I believe was a wrong way, i feel "lust" very often thoughout my life. I also am confused with lust and love sometimes due to this.
I wanted to relate this history , in hope it will give you an idea of why I am feeling this. I understand that this might not be appropriate to say all this and risk alot by revealing this. Please understand.

I also had a few crushes and confessed to a few of them but I never really got a "proper" relationship until this year.

I understand the passage is a little long and may lack certain information. I will gladly reply you if you have any questions as to anything regarding this post.

I am still feeling this emotion now, "I want to be in love with someone but loving someone feels uncomfortable."

Once again, thank you for reading this!
Regards,

Lester.

At first glance, it does sound like you haven't met the right girl. For example, did this "online" date tell you she loved you after one date? If so, that would send a BIG red flag up for any rational person. It's no wonder you felt shackled and broke things off. It doesn't sound like you were really that into her, and when she held your hand, you understandably struggled with that emotion.

However, for that feeling to persist, even at the thought of having a girl friend or having your hand grabbed in jest- well, that seems to point to something a bit more complicated. It almost seems like an OCD reaction to your situation.

Are you willing or able to visit a doctor who can help you out with this? Some talk therapy and medication (if needed) could really be helpful in this situation. Perhaps you can discover whether your early introduction to sexual acts figures into this in any way, plus you might be able to put an end to this "shackled" feeling that has been haunting you.

Please keep us posted, o.k. Take care...