luciamint
Oct 13, 2009, 11:02 PM
Hey.
I don't know what's wrong with me and I wish I could be normal.
Ive always had problems with accepting myself and this comes mostly from my physical appearance and my weight...
I remember ever since I was a little girl I would look at myself and wonder why am I so ugly which in turn affected my personality.
As I have gotten older my situation has only gotten worse...
I started skipping school and hiding in the bathroom and basically avoiding everybody because I don't feel like I deserve to have a life..
I just can't see how someone would want to know me/love me/ be friends with me.
I can't deal with the possibility of someone seeing me the way I see myself.
When I tured 17 I lost 20 pounds and I still was very insecure and it did help me a bit but I gained it back...
And that's when I starting not going to school at all and I eventually dropped out cause I couldn't take it anymore.. I felt like I didn't belong.
And when I dropped out I decided to do high school virtually but I become so depressed that I just didn't want to do anything and I failed at that too.
I haven't left my house in a little over year and I can't believe I wasted a whole year of my life and I am now 18 and nothing has changed and I am completely to blame..
And the totally sick thing I've written suicide notes and I am always having deadline for when I need to kill myself but I am so afraid of death and I don't want to die..
I just feel like I might never get out of this mess I've created.
I can't believe how stupid and pathetic I've become...
And I know people are always saying its what matters on the inside but the outside does have some influence.
My sister, my cousin, and my sisters friends are always judging other girls, saying this and that about them and I can just imagine what some people would say about me.
My sister and cousin are so beautiful and everybody tells them they are,
And I am rarely told that..
I want to move on and not care what people think of me but I don't know if I can..
I don't know what's wrong with me and I wish I could be normal.
Ive always had problems with accepting myself and this comes mostly from my physical appearance and my weight...
I remember ever since I was a little girl I would look at myself and wonder why am I so ugly which in turn affected my personality.
As I have gotten older my situation has only gotten worse...
I started skipping school and hiding in the bathroom and basically avoiding everybody because I don't feel like I deserve to have a life..
I just can't see how someone would want to know me/love me/ be friends with me.
I can't deal with the possibility of someone seeing me the way I see myself.
When I tured 17 I lost 20 pounds and I still was very insecure and it did help me a bit but I gained it back...
And that's when I starting not going to school at all and I eventually dropped out cause I couldn't take it anymore.. I felt like I didn't belong.
And when I dropped out I decided to do high school virtually but I become so depressed that I just didn't want to do anything and I failed at that too.
I haven't left my house in a little over year and I can't believe I wasted a whole year of my life and I am now 18 and nothing has changed and I am completely to blame..
And the totally sick thing I've written suicide notes and I am always having deadline for when I need to kill myself but I am so afraid of death and I don't want to die..
I just feel like I might never get out of this mess I've created.
I can't believe how stupid and pathetic I've become...
And I know people are always saying its what matters on the inside but the outside does have some influence.
My sister, my cousin, and my sisters friends are always judging other girls, saying this and that about them and I can just imagine what some people would say about me.
My sister and cousin are so beautiful and everybody tells them they are,
And I am rarely told that..
I want to move on and not care what people think of me but I don't know if I can..