I was in a happy, loving relationship for 2 and a half years.
In June, he proposed to me, of course I said yes. I thought we were going to wait for maybe 6 months before planning the wedding, but he said he couldn't wait to marry me. He pushed me to set a date, so we did. I was happy about it because I love him.
Then, on Friday, he broke up with me! He said he needs time on his own and if I give him time, we will talk, but he's pretty sure we're over forever.
It was so sudden, we were happy and in love and planning our wedding. It was booked and we were paying it off, now he's cancelling it all.
I admit I have a slight problem with jealousy but its nothing major, he has a slight anger problem, but again, nothing major. We had a few petty arguments, but never anything major, and we didn't argue constantly, just like a normal couple. My friends envied our relationship because we were so happy.
I can't handle this, my whole life was set out in front of me with the man I love, and now I feel so rejected and don't know why.
How can I get past this? I just want him to see that he has made a horrible mistake!
Please help me, I just feel like dying. Life isn't worth it without him!

I don't think it's any specific that made him break up with you. It sounds like an accumulation of things. If he feels that it's over forever, then that's how he feels. You need to accept his feelings.

As for you, I've very sorry to hear about this. This is definitely and unfortunate situation. But look at it this way, he realized that this marriage wasn't going to work, so he broke it off before the two of you got too deep.

There's no magic potion to recover from this break up immediately. You will need to give yourself some time. Avoid contacting him, as that would only add to the confusion, give you false hope and prolong the pain. Distance yourself from him so that you can recover without any influence.

I just don't understand why it was so sudden. He was the one who pushed to set the date, he was the one who kept asking me to move in with him, he was the one who insisted we book and pay for everything. All this was recent. Friday morning he sent me a text saying he loved me etc.. then, 2 minutes later, he sent another text asking if we shouold break up!!
If it was a lot of different things, why didn't he ever speak to me about it? We always talked about everything.
His friends and family are so stunned about this too.
It's the most devastating thing that I've ever gone through. I don't understand any of it.

Im sorry for your pain.
Sometimes there are questions that may never get an answer.
For some reason or reasons he decided he wanted to call it off.
You should read the stickies at the top of the page there s lots of good advice there.
Take care and look after yourself.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/really-miss-ex-24203.html

I don't know if this is the same guy, but you have been through this before. Two years of bliss, and then a break up. There is something I may be missing, but I wonder if this whole relationship started because of the personal issues going on in your life.

A sudden change of heart, usually doesn't happen without some big issue at the heart of it. That he won't discuss it, is frustrating to say the least.

This event is to similar to your other one to be a coincidence though, but I can't put my finger on it. More info maybe?

Well spotted talaniman, but this is a different guy altogether.
I started dating this guy just over a year after breaking up with the first guy. When I started dating him, the first guy went crazy and begged to have me back.

This is a different guy, and a totally different heartache. We had our wedding booked. He wanted to bring the date forward etc.. He told my aunt just 3 weeks ago that he can't believe how lucky he is to have met me. It's so so sudden for me.

What more info do you want? I'll give whatever info I can because I want this sorted, I want him to realise his mistake.

What more info do you want? I'll give whatever info I can because I want this sorted, I want him to realise his mistake.

What mistake? His feelings for you have changed. How do you blame him for something that changed naturally? You can't force him to get back with you. It's his choice.

You need to take a few steps back and reflect on yourself first.

His mistake is breaking this relationship up!
Friday morning he is hopelessly in love with me, and by Friday afternoon he wants to break up!
He didn't think anything through. His parents are even furious about it. His friends are shocked. Everyone who knows him has told me that they have never seen him happier than he was with me.
This is a sudden MISTAKE!!
Its so wrong. It shouldn't be this way!

I don't think it was just his mistake, you seem to have been very willing to go along with his plan. That strikes me as odd given your past experience. I would think you would be a lot more cautious, and alert, as people seldom change that rapidly, or hide things that well. Even though you spent a year being single, I sort of doubt that you were, but I am assuming your ex, was still in the picture to some degree. I could be wrong, but it seems like you have had very little peace between relationships, and maybe this one wasn't as good as the picture you painted. The only other thing that comes to mind, is a major event in one of your lives along the way.

His mistake is breaking this relationship up!!
Friday morning he is hopelessly in love with me, and by Friday afternoon he wants to break up!!
He didnt think anything through. His parents are even furious about it. His friends are shocked. Everyone who knows him has told me that they have never seen him happier than he was with me.
This is a sudden MISTAKE!!!!!!!!
Its so wrong. It shouldnt be this way!!

There's no right or wrong when it comes to breaking up. It was his CHOICE to break up. You can't force him to do something that he doesn't want. You can't tie him up and force him to marry you.

You need to calm down. I know that this break up has affected you deeply. I understand that you were moving along in the wedding plans. This might seem like a sudden break up for you because he did not provide an explanation. But I'm sure it's not a sudden feeling for him. He must have been thinking about this for a while. It's not easy for someone to call off a wedding either. I'm sure he knows that he broke your heart.

You need to take a lot of steps back. Stop blaming him for everything. If he broke up with you, it means there are things about you that he doesn't like and doesn't think that a marriage would work out. So even if you forced a marriage with him, you would end up getting a divorce, which is worse than calling a wedding off.

I was still friends with my ex, but there was no romantic feelings or anything. We sorted our stuff, and stayed friends. He was seeing other people, I was happy being single.
Then I met R, and we were happy right from the on-set. This relationship wasn't perfect or anything, we had our moments, we rowed. But the bottom line is, we loved each other. We were really happy.

His mum and dad have both just been diagnosed with cancer, his mum is terminal, his dad can be treated. And he's having a hard time at his job and can't seem to get another one even though he has been on a ton of interviews.

Please stop making me feel like this is my fault. I know Im obviously not faultless in the break-down of our relationship. But all in all, I was a pretty good partner and supported him through no matter what happened. This is so sudden, there was no warning signs. He was happy on Friday morning, and breaking up on Friday afternoon!
I just don't understand any of it.

His mum and dad have both just been diagnosed with cancer, his mum is terminal, his dad can be treated. And he's having a hard time at his job and can't seem to get another one even though he has been on a ton of interviews.


How can you ignore the turmoil that's going on in his life?? How can you expect him to ignore his pain and act happy. It doesn't work that way. He can hardly be a husband when his manhood is in such jeopardy. No, this was not so sudden, I think. But it is time to back up, and reassess the timing of what's going on.

I think you need to step back and look at the timing. I don't think this was as sudden as it seems. I get the feeling that he was trying to convince himself how much he cares about you by pushing for a quick wedding. In relation to his parents' health, when did he propose? Could the quick wedding have been an attempt to make his mother happy knowing that she was in poor health?

From what I have seen, quick weddings are usually because the bride is pregnant, a valued member of the family is close to death and the wedding is moved up so that person can be a part of it, or one party is trying to make a commitment before he/she changes his/her mind. It sounds like he had doubts that he thought he could overcome by forcing the relationship into an unnatural pace.

From your description of events, I think there was something he was running from internally that caught up with him. I am sorry you have to go through this, but calling off a wedding and dealing with the items already taken care of will be a lot cheaper, monetarily and emotionally, than it would be after the wedding when divorce lawyers are involved.

Quote by talaniman
How can you ignore the turmoil that's going on in his life?? How can you expect him to ignore his pain and act happy. It doesn't work that way.

I never ignored it!!
I was always there supporting him through it. He didn't talk about it much but I made sure he knew that if and when he was ready to talk, I'd be there for him.
I never wanted him to ignore his pain!! I asked him if he wanted to put off booking the wedding until he knew the full details of what was going on! He said I was the only positive thing in his life and didn't want to put off the happiest day of his life!!

I NEVER expected him or asked him to ignore it and act happy. I wanted him to talk about it, but made sure he knew I wasn't pushing, and would be there when he's ready to talk.
I never asked him to propose, he sprung that on me, and within weeks he wanted to set the date.
I was just happy to go along because I love him and marrying him seemed so right!

He asked me to get pregnant before we got married for heaven sake - just last week we were talking about having a child!!

You guys are not making me feel better at all. Im in such a dark, horrible place, and you are making me feel worse about everything.
I WAS A GOOD GIRLFRIEND AND FIANCEE - AND THIS IS SUDDEN!!!

I have no doubt you are a good partner, but knowing what's going on with your partner is also important to understanding. This was not sudden, but his lack of honest expression, should have made you wary, and cautious, of not only his actions, but motives. Being in love will make you miss things, and the talk of babies, and marriage, is some heady stuff.

The point being because your hurt now with the way things worked out, doesn't mean not understanding your partners actions, and where things go from here.

Good luck getting him to talk, but the biggest red flag, was the communications break down. That's the real issue, because if there was better, more honest talking, this whole thing could have been handled differently.

I've been through this myself, with being ready to marry, but illness, and death put the plans on hold, almost forever, so I am sensitive to your situation. I don't think any decision he has made was a rational one, nor do I see him able to for a while.

I think you back away, and let the emotional dust settle, before playing the blame game, Or even assuming who is at fault. Life often throws us in situations that need a calm head to figure out. This is where I see you now, getting your emotions under control. And letting him do the same.

Evryone with different things to say,but what I will say to you firstly is I'm sorry.so straight to the issue at hand,the whole thing has happened and now you are faced with this unexplainable situation.I want to ask you a question, do you believe in destiny?because I do,when it comes to choosing a life partner it isn't anything like dating,you have to learn to ask serious questions,don't say to yourself "i dnt want to hurt him by asking him sensitive things" you need to,u need to know things that even his parents don't,u need to ask yourself,"what positive or negative attribute do i percieve in him,like you said he has an anger problem,i will praise you for that,u have at least learnt something about him.i know that at this point in time you do not want to listen to all this all you need is that solution,all you need is to see him at your door step to say i am sorry,it is obviously not impossible,but lets face it,the chances for now are slim,cuz,why would a man put an end to what he hastened by himself,there is more to what you and i know about this man.but have you viewed it from this angle,"what if there is someone else in the picture.hmm

No one needs to make you feel bad,all you are asking for are comforters,and if people are not helping all you need do is look away,u don't need more pain at this point,I'm not trying to be religious at this point,but have you prayed about this issue,because believe me it works,and if you need me to do it with you I will.

I have prayed, and anyone else who wants to pray for him to come back to me, be my guest. The more the better.

I don't think there is someone else in the picture though. I have always trusted him not to cheat on me and the subject of there being someone else never even entered my head.
Its not impossible, I just don't think there is.

Folahun, thank you for your kindness.

Though this is only my assumption he may be depressed.
Both his parents are ill, one terminally so plus he s not happy at work. Add a wedding and the thought of starting a family and you have a great number of stress factors.
I realise you re at rock bottom but as he s not communicating with you at the moment take as much care of yourself as you can.
I hope you have family and friends around to talk to.
Take care.

I had a girlfriend push for similar things and then suddenly end it right as we were moving forward. It's totally bewildering and painful. You probably won't find many of these answers helpful (even though they make some valid points) because right now you want to know what the hell happened, what you did wrong, what he's thinking, et cetera. All I can say is this--you're going to keep having those questions and thoughts and it's going to hurt for a while. And you may never get an answer or any resolution. It's lousy, and that's that. All you can do is start taking care of yourself. Tell yourself it's over, even if you don't believe it, and start doing things for yourself. He may or may not try to come back to you at some point (and there's lots of advice on this site for that). The only thing you can say for certainty about him at the moment is that he's made a choice to end it, for whatever reason, and you have no control of that. All else is speculation. Don't blame yourself, and take heart that you were, as you say, a good girlfriend. Later, after you have taken some time for yourself and emotional dust has settled, you can start to examine if there is something about yourself that you want to work on for a future relationship, but don't try that now. You're over your head in your emotions, and your judgment will be way off. First step for you is damage control, which means taking care of yourself in whatever way you can, and the less time spent thinking on him, over whom you have absolutely no control, the better. Accept that you're going to be all over the place emotionally for a bit and do your best to ride it out. Stop worrying about what he's up to and start worrying about what you're up to. When all settles down, you'll thank yourself that you did.

You guys are not making me feel better at all. Im in such a dark, horrible place, and you are making me feel worse about everything.
I WAS A GOOD GIRLFRIEND AND FIANCEE - AND THIS IS SUDDEN!!!

You are not going to like what I am about to write, but please read it and think about it before you get even more upset.

I am sorry to inform you but we don't hold pity parties. We offer advice and support neither of which are easy to give or receive.

You ignored what to many people would be warning signs. He was rushing the relationship and you knew it. He wasn't communicating. You were the bright spot in his life giving him all the support you could. He gave you a platitude, "He said I was the only positive thing in his life and didnt wanna put off the happiest day of his life". Any time someone pushes for a quick marriage or talks about getting pregnant BEFORE a PLANNED wedding there are huge red flags flying on the hurricane winds.

He was running away from the pain of his parents' illness. He tried to bury his fears of death in planning a life and a marriage. That doesn't work. Sooner or later the person wakes up and realizes that there is no escape from reality or quick fixes for the emotional turmoil and trauma. He has to face his fears.

You have to let him go. You can't make him come back. You can't make him want to be with you.

Yes, it hurts. Yes, it seems sudden to you as you perceive it at this moment. If you read what you have written as though someone else wrote it, I think you will begin to see that there were warning signs.

It isn't going to be easy. It will be painful. No one will tell you that the hurt and pain go away in an instant. As you already know, it takes time and very hard work to heal. I am not telling you anything differently than I would my son, daughter or friends. I don't believe in wallowing in self-pity because that energy can be put to better use.

Onething I wouldn't want you to do is believe this is the end of your world,because angel it isn't,from the look of things it is obvious,with no doubt whatsoever,that this man is in love with you,but you need to know that if this is the end of the road with him then it is,their is nothing anyone can say or do to change it,if it is destined to happen then accept it with a heart that won't stop beating for this man until it finds out what really went wrong,that doesn't mean you shouldn't go on with your life,but don't forget to find out what happened,and I'm not saying you should carry any part of this into your future relationships,for it will make matters worse.

Thanks everyone for your comments.
I guess all I can do is get on with it and hope and pray that he see's that breaking up wasn't the answer to his problems.

We aren't in contact or anything - its guna be difficult. But I can do it.

Thanks everyone for your comments.
I guess all I can do is get on with it and hope and pray that he see's that breaking up wasnt the answer to his problems.

We arent in contact or anything - its guna be difficult. But I can do it.

Break ups like this are probably the worst type. As humans, we want something or one to blame when things go wrong. When there isn't something we can point to and say there is the problem, it seems to make the pain harder to bear. However, that pain will go away if you let it.

The stickies at the top of the forum might help. This thread will also still be here for you if you want honest advice and support.

Just remember to keep your mind and body busy and allow yourself to even want to heal.

Good luck.

I have prayed, and anyone else who wants to pray for him to come back to me, be my guest. The more the better.

I dont think there is someone else in the picture though. I have always trusted him not to cheat on me and the subject of there being someone else never even entered my head.
Its not impossible, I just dont think there is.

Folahun, thank u for ur kindness.

I'm sorry for your pain.

It doesn't matter that his friends and family thought you two were perfect together. The decision was his to make, and HE made it. No one else. You got over the first guy, you'll get over him.

You asked for prayers for him to change his mind. That's something you should do, this is not a "life or death" situation.

Be glad you didn't get married, and then he pulled this. Yes, he is quite selfish to propose, plan, and then change his mind. He should have been SURE that he wanted to marry you first. Shame on him for that. I agree with Tal. this is no mistake on his part, it's what he wanted.

I wish you the best, and will pray for you to have the strength to carry on with your life. One day, you will look back on this, and be glad it worked out this way.

I recently posted here about my situation:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/sudden-break-up-405475.html

He was the one who asked for time, and asked me not to contact him - and I haven't.
But today, he sent me this message:

"This probably sounds like a stupid thing to say but I really hope ur ok. I know that ur not but I do want u to know that I am thinkin of u x"

I haven't replied, he sent it about an hour and a half ago. I sort of feel empowered now that he text me and I'm not replying - but I really want him back.
How do I deal with this?

Oh, and by the way, its been 6 days since the break up, 3 days since NC.

I read your other thread.

You were engaged to be married,he ended the relationship.

Unless I missed something in your other posts, he said he needed time and space.

It has not been a week yet.

Unless he is saying,I'm sorry,I love you, lets try and make things work, he is offering you nothing.

He's lonely. Who else is he going to call,he knows you, you familiar...

Keep doing N.C, at least for now, unless he comes back with the above things still have not changed.

Give him time.. thats what he wants, who's to say if you contact him,he won't have changed his mind again before midnight..

This is not game playing,its protecting yourself from more hurt.

Wait.

Let him come to you.

Give him the time he wanted.

Stick to the NC is my advice-he probably feels guilty as some people do having done what he did hence the text.

Ok thanks guys. I'm going to keep the NC thing going.

It's so difficult because I want him back, but I can do it.
Thank u.

I'm going to his place tomorrow to pick my stuff up while he's at work. I wrote a poem about our break up - I always write poetry and he knows I'm a poet.
Do u think I should leave a copy of the poem for him?

I don't think it would be a good idea to leave the poem. Just getting your things and leaving will be difficult enough. Leaving the poem could be seen as an attempt to keep the lines of communication open

Stay strong and let yourself heal. If poetry helps, there are other places to share if you feel it would help. You could even post it here or maybe on the Writing Board.

Writing - Ask Me Help Desk (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/writing/)

I'm not going to leave the poem now. He left me nothing, and I will leave him nothing.

I didn't reply to the text yesterday, and about 10 minutes ago, he text again saying:
"would it be easier for u to get ur stuff while Im at work, or would u rather pick it up while Im there?"

I had already decided that I was going today while he's at work, I'm not replying to that text either - but he's texting me and he's the one who asked for NC!
It seems like he wants me to be thinking about him.
Is he scared that I haven't contacted him? Because all through our relationship, even if we were arguing, I still sent him texts. This is the first we have ever gone not speaking to one another.

I am so hurt and annoyed and confused about this whole thing.

Go and pick up your things whilst he s at work and ignore his texts-if he s worried that s his problem now.
Stay strong and stay NC , all contact just adds to the confusion.
I understand you re hurting but you need to look after yourself now.

Keep up with the NC. It will help with your confusion, if you keep telling yourself it is over and he is history. Confusion is greater when you aren't sure about what to do. Ignoring him and making the decision to move on will help.

Don't even accept/read his texts. Just go on with your own life.

The hurt will lessen with time. Try not to let your mind dwell on him or what his actions mean that will only make the pain stronger like when you poke at a bruise.

I just picked up my stuff, I left the keys and nothing else.

I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I want him back more than anything.

There's no right or wrong here. I think we need to help you clarify why you're going into NC.

We know that you want him back. He knows that you want him back. Now he just needs time to figure out if he wants the same things as you. You're going into no contact for at least two reasons:

1) He needs his time and space to figure things out. It's better for him to think without your influence so he can come up with a more objective decision.

2) You need to gain some perspective by distancing yourself. By talking to him, you will only add to the confusion and give yourself false hope. False hope will set you up for a huge disappointment and heartbreak.

There's a chance he won't want you back. So by going into no contact, you will begin the healing process. If he wants you back, then great! But if he doesn't, you will be in a better position to move on with your life.

You did the right thing.
Make sure you get emotional support from family and friends ;and take one day at the time .
It does get better even though you may not feel that way now.

I am so sorry to hear about your pain.Episodes like these make you feel there's no justice,no God,nothing good in life.They make you doubt yourself,shatter your confidence and your interest in life altogether.And much more.

But when you force yourself to look at such mind-boggling situations very very objectively(which might seem impossible right now,but once you make up your mind to do it,it becomes a practice),you will just think of it as a fact of life that came across your way,unfortunately,which is right here staring at your face and now all you can do is acknowledge it but nothing more.Whats done is done.you can't alter that.Its like so many other bad things that happen to so many people,like accidents,loss of near and dear ones,natural calamities, the list is endless.

But what you can very well do,is to empower yourself with this idea : Life hasn't been kind to me right now and I am hurting badly.I need to take care of myself now--thats in my hand.I need to stand strong for myself and love the bruised,battered me,that got so badly hurt--thats in my hand.My life is in my hands and that is a fact that nobody can take away from me.

Thoughts like these give you courage and confidence to think,to act,in your best interests.You are doing pretty well on the NC part by not giving in to tempations of reacting to his texts.Keep that up.You'll survive.After all he's just a guy who didn't want something beautiful with you.Your life's so much vaster and grander than that.Look around you--you'll find your reasons to live.

NC was broken today u guys.

He contacted my brother saying how sorry he is for what he's done. He told my brother that hurting me was the last thjing he'd ever want to do. My brother replied saying it wasn't his business but he believed this whole thing could be fixed with communication.

He then sent me a text asking if we could meet up on Tuesday evening to talk about "us" and I replied asking him if he has anything new to say. I told him I'd talk to him if he had something different to say, because the last thing I wanted was to meet him and have the sa,me discussion we had on Sunday. (On Sunday I asked him if there was anything I could do and he said he just needed time.)
He replied saying he had nothing new to say, and thought that he would have thought of something when he saw me. He also said he wanted to talk more about us, and him needing time.
I said "how many times do you think I'm going to meet you to be rejected? I'm not meeting up to go over old ground and for nothing to change. When u have something different to say, maybe I'll listen".
Then he replied saying that he would have a think and contact me when his head isn't so messed up.

Did I do the right thing? Should I have met up with him?
Bear in mind, when you are giving me advice - I REALLY want this guy back. I feel that we were always so right together and that we are meant to be together.

You did the right thing. Stick by your decision. Until he has something new to contribute. If this relationship is ever going to work in the future, he needs to understand that something has to change. There's no point going in circles. We want to see process.

Good job on your behalf though, sounds like you're making process on your end!

I said "how many times do you think I'm going to meet you to be rejected? I'm not meeting up to go over old ground and for nothing to change. When u have something different to say, maybe I'll listen".


Now that's what I call looking out for yourself, gosh that was great.

Really Talaniman?

I can't help but feel like I should have listened to what he had to say - but then there's another part of me saying I did the right thing because I would only be setting myself up for more hurt.

This is so confusing!

I know I am being so needy, but I want him back more than anything.

I said "how many times do you think I'm going to meet you to be rejected? I'm not meeting up to go over old ground and for nothing to change. When u have something different to say, maybe I'll listen".
Then he replied saying that he would have a think and contact me when his head isnt so messed up.

You did great! :D

Don't let a cycle of hope and rejection get started because he doesn't know what he wants.

Seeing you will only add to his confusion and your hurt and pain.

Pull Your Ex Back... (http://getex101.com/getexbackfirstvideo.html)

Does this work you guys?

Are you kidding us??

Not at all. I'd do anything for him to come back to me.

Now that I am somewhat calmer.

Why do you think giving him everything he wants except time and space will bring him back to you? Why are you willing to do all the running to try to catch someone who is running away from you? Why are you bending over backward to keep him when all he does is give you hope then throws it in the trash?

How much support and love have you given him while he was concerned with his parents and everything else? What support has he given you? Kicking you to the curb after pushing up a wedding date and wanting to have a baby with you IS NOT SUPPORT.

What do you think will happen if you do get him back? Do you like Divorce Court that much to want to be on it?

You don't want to manipulate him back do you? Let your emotions calm down before you grasp at straws.

Your still freshly hurt, and that's a no-no when it comes to making decisions. You can't make things better with tricks, and traps.

Yeah your right. I'm sorry, I know I'm being needy, and I'm not normally like this. I just feel so lost without him.
Any break-up I've had in the past has been bearable - bad but bearable.
This is so awful that I am having health problems as a direct result. I just want him back in my life.

Wow you sound like me and my fella , I went on play .com and got a book on jealousy as I was always questioning him , listen ease off don't text / ring him etc , give him some space sometomes its all people need you need to work on you and your feelings and no your life is not over he is a man and a bit of a prat by the sounds of it

Jayjay, take care of yourself.

Think it of this way, IF he does come back, then you will know that he really wants to be with you.

IF you try to manipulate him into coming back, you will always wonder if he really loves you or what you tried to be.

Yeah good idea guys. Thanks.

Chesterfire, did the book help u at all?

Oh and by the way, he went out last night and text me saying he wasn't good enough for me.
Also, a friend of his called me last night and said that he keeps changing his mind about whether he has done the right thing.

Jayjay you go girl, no contact. He is way too confused right now, and has a lot on his plate. It's no fair to you, its like a merry go round, he wants to talk and then nothing has changed. You stay strong. The sicknesses in his family and his job, would drive anyone to back off. He probably does care a lot about you, but thinks he has nothing too offer you, and that you deserve better. If he ever does contact you again, I would just leave at, listen until you want this relationship to change, for the better, its better we have no contact. I am going on with my life.. and if its meant to be, well then he will find you, and resume where you left off.. Stay strong.

Thank you sully.
I've been doing pretty good with NC but he hasn't. I'm just making myself believe that he's trying to heal his guilt rather than wanting me back. It's easier to move on that way - harder to do though.

I literally miss everything about him, even his grumpy moods.

He just text saying he still needed some time to sort his head out but he's not dismissing the chance of us.

Ugh.

We had a pretty good conversation after, we both laughed, it was just like old times.

Update.

He asked me back last night. We chatted over everything for a while and decided that we both want it to work out. He said he hated being away from me and realised his mistake.

My trouble now is, how do I deal with my jealousy?
I want rid of it.

I hope it works out for you and that you keep communicating and can be constructive in rebuilding your relationship.
Could you elaborate regarding your jealousy?

Whoa there missy, what was HIS problem that caused such an upheaval?

He thought we were booking the wedding too fast. Even though booking it and setting the date was all his idea.
He also said my jealousy was getting out of hand.

I admit I can be a bit jealous, but I didn't ever think it was THAT serious. Evidently it can be.
A girl he works with asked for his help to get out her nipple ring - and I told him I'd prefer if he'd stay away from her in future. Then a month later he came home with a dvd that she lent him. And I got mad at him about it.

When we started dating, he was still in touch with a few of his ex's, it wouldn't normally have bothered me but they were being inappropriate, one kept asking him to a part of her children's lives and kept asking him for dates, even though she knew he had a girlfriend. And it took 3 months of me arguing with him about her before he told her she was inappropriate.
Another ex he was in touch with kept asking him on dates and saying REALLY inappropriate things, and again, it took him ages to say anything to her about it, he just kept texting her back. And I didn't like that - and he said it was jealous.

A few months ago he was at a club and a girl kept pestering him to go back to her place, and she wouldn't leave him alone, he said she kept following him around and asking him to come back to her place, and he just spoke to her, instead of telling her to go away, they got chatting and she knew his ex girlfriend.
If a guy was talking to me like that I'd tell him where to go, not discuss it with him or be chatty!

Also, anytime he got a text I asked him who it was from, and he hated it. Even though anytime he asked me I just told him because I wasn't hiding anything.
But if he got a text from a girl I'd say "what does she want?" and he said that was being jealous.

Wow, sorry this is so long.

Point 1- Your jealousy has triggers, but is not the main problem, pushing for the wedding then ducking out was.
So while he is texting/chatting up females, he isn't very forth coming to HIS female.

That lack of honest expression is a disaster waiting to happen.

Point 2-I really don't like the way he tried to flip the blame for moving to fast on you if it was all his idea, which I am honestly skeptical about, either something else was in the mix, or you went along happily with his suggestion knowing you had TRUST/jealousy issues. Unresolved issues is a main issue with any relationship and always leads to someone being unhappy.

I have to really think about these jealousy issues you have, given I think his behavior in triggering them.

Something just is not right, so until more facts are brought to light, I would caution you on getting carried away by your happy delight at his return, and just swallow everything he says now.

According to you, things are just gravy as long as you work on your jealousy, yeah right!

Its funny you only mention your faults in this but have you expressed his faults to him, that got you jealous in the first place.

Honest expressions are the key to good communication. Yeah your right, I just pick on everything to spoil your happiness.

Point 1- Your jealousy has triggers, but is not the main problem, pushing for the wedding then ducking out was.
So while he is texting/chatting up females, he isn't very forth coming to HIS female.

That lack of honest expression is a disaster waiting to happen.

Point 2-I really don't like the way he tried to flip the blame for moving to fast on you if it was all his idea, which I am honestly skeptical about, either something else was in the mix, or you went along happily with his suggestion knowing you had TRUST/jealousy issues. Unresolved issues is a main issue with any relationship and always leads to someone being unhappy.

I have to really think about these jealousy issues you have, given I think his behavior in triggering them.

Something just is not right, so until more facts are brought to light, I would caution you on getting carried away by your happy delight at his return, and just swallow everything he says now.

According to you, things are just gravy as long as you work on your jealousy, yeah right!

Its funny you only mention your faults in this but have you expressed his faults to him, that got you jealous in the first place.

Honest expressions are the key to good communication. Yeah your right, I just pick on everything to spoil your happiness.
Tal--thanks for voicing just my concerns... Jayjay,see,even we all would like it for him to come back to you since that's what would make you happy.However,we would also like that to be on YOUR terms and not as if he were doing you a favour.

Get it?Not being able to live away from you is good enough reason to be back for HIM but for YOU?What about confronting him with the reason behind his suddent act of wanting ot break off the wedding?What about putting you through hell all these days?Why do I get the feeling that you are finding excuses for his despicable behaviour?

Would he feel oh-so-messed up when you are walking down the aisle,your heart wild with happiness at the thought of getting married to him?What then?

Jayjay,none of us are perfect.You have jealousy issues,which at least you have the grace to admit and work on.If today my imperfections are held as reasons behind somebody breaking up with me,then he doesn't love me enough to accept me with my imperfections and is constantly looking for excuses to blame every damn thing on my shortcomings.Is he perfect?No,right?Am I blaming everything going wrong on his shortcomings?Of course not.I am,on the contrary,standing up for him,giving him the leniency that he's messed up,confused etc etc.

You get what I am saying,right?You have been so brave during your dark days and its only your attitude of not giving in,that has made him realise you aren't a woman to settle.You wouldn't allow him to keep rejecting you.That text message of yours was absolutely,completely so inspiring.Made me want to jump up and say "Go girl"!

Just hold on for a bit more and feel absolutely sure before you let go completely and bask in your happiness.Get ALL your doubts cleared by him,keep talking to him till you feel reassured that he's really the one for you.So that this time when you are happy,you know its for real and forever.

All the best,Jayjay.

I appreciate your guys help and advice.

Talaniman, I can assure you, it was him pushing for the wedding the whole time. I went along happily because it's what I wanted. Yes, I have some jealousy issues because he brings out some strange effect in otherwise sensible women, but I trust him not to act on anything, I just don't like how he deals with it.
I didn't think that was reason enough not to marry him.

Starry nights, thank you for your advice. I am not just going along with what he wants. We met and talked everything over and put all our cards on the table before we got back together.

I do feel happy that we are back together, we are taking things slowly, not rushing into anything, and this has been a HUGE learning curve for both of us. We know now the importance of sitting and talking everything through instead of rushing into things - this is the rest of our lives we're talking about after all.

Just to let you all know, I didn't run back to him, gushing and thanking him for taking me back lol. This is a 2 way street, we both hurt during the break, and we both wanted to be together, and we talked like adults and sorted our mess out.

Thank you everyone who helped me through that difficult time, I think your advice kept me sane, and the no contact thing really does wonders for your sanity after a break up.

Thanks again guys!

I wondered while you were nursing your broken heart,how was he doing?

How did he nurse his hurt?

I do see your point,however I also see he gave you plenty of reason to feel jealous.

He is not suddenly going to stop attracting females,HE also has to make adjustments.

Has he given you reason to feel secure?

In the flush now of renewed romance and future plans, take a little time to reflect over the past few days...

He caused you a lot of hurt,and expects you to take the blame.

I would just be a little cautious,before opening up to him straight away.

You'll be back!

Redhead, he was a wreck while we were split up. His friends actually rang me to tell me the state he had got himself into over it, because he realised his mistake early on, and didn't know if he had another chance.

I realise he has faults too, and he realises that - I already said we stayed up for hours and talked everything over, laid EVERYTHING on the table because we didn't want to get back into the relationship holding back our feelings.
I'm not rushing back in trusting him with all my heart and wearing my heart on my sleeve, that has to be built up again, and we both know that.
I know I wasn't completely at fault over the break up, I realise it was his pathetic way to avoid talking about how he really felt, and I told him that if he wants this to work, he can't be doing that anymore - and he realises that too, because he saw what life was like without me, and didn't like it!

We love each other enough to give each other a second AND FINAL chance, and so far, neither of us regret it, we are both happy to have gotten everything out in the open and sorted!
We are taking it slow, and we are going to make sure we both talk through our feelings, because we don't want a repeat of the last 2 weeks.

It seems like you have opened the lines of communication..

I do wish you well,and hope things work out..

Mind yourself.

Regards.
redhed35.

Thank you very much.
I really appreciate all the help I got here.

Jayjay, negative reputation has serious consequences on this site. That is why it is to be used for factually incorrect posts. Emopunk gave his opinion gained through his own experiences. Yes, he has his own problems, however, that gives him a unique perspective.

Please, read these rules on giving reputation.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-help/using-comments-feature-official-guidelines-24951.html

I know you are happy to be back with your boyfriend. You say that he is willing to work on things right now, I hope for your sake that continues.

I am concerned that you are still in the mindset of doing whatever it takes to get him back. I don't think you have given yourself enough time to heal from his sudden about face that brought you to us. I think you still harbor some fear that things may not work out (That is the only reason I can that you struck out at emopunk that way. I think he hit a nerve that is very raw.). Don't let that fear cause you, over time and discussions, to lose your own perspective as you attempt to hold on to him.

I wish you the very best and hope that when you do come back it will be to give us positive updates.

Cat, I feel that there is a difference between a opinion, and an ignorant attack on my relationship because of what has happened. Yes, it did hit a nerve, because it was ignorant and uncalled for. I gave negative feedback because I saw it as an attack. I came here for advice in a bad situation, not that kind of attitude. Constructive criticism I can handle, nastiness I cant.

I must admit though, you were probably right that I didn't give myself time to heal from what happened, and I do have some fear that it may not work out - but I do believe that it's worth a try, because I do love him. And if I let fear of it not working out stop me from getting into a relationship, I'd never be in a relationship, because no one really knows what the future holds.
I do think that this was a horrible hiccup in our relationship, and I still feel that we are meant to be.
There is just some work to be done to rebuild what was lost during the break, and we're both more than willing to do that.

Jayjay, I think I may need to clarify my point. Taking chances is what life is about. However, there is a big difference between facing that fear of failure when you enter a relationship and letting that fear change who you are.

I really hope that you can work together as a couple to set boundaries you can both live with and fix the problems in the relationship.

What I am concerned about is that you will let your fear of losing him again cause you to do everything you can to hold on to him even if it is detrimental to your own needs.

Yeah I see your point.
I haven't lost myself so far, and will always keep in mind that he needs to consider my thoughts and feelings as well.
I don't think I would let fear of losing him change who I am, because I kind of like who I am. And if he doesn't like me for who I am, then stuff him. But he does, he loves me for who I am, if that ever changes - well, there would be no future for us.

It's like I said before, if this works out, it's the rest of my life, and I don't want to spend my life pretending to be someone I'm not just to please a man. If it doesn't work out, I'll be devastated, but know it's for the best because of those reasons.

I'll write what most everyone is thinking here, which is that we're all skeptical. It's pretty useless to say though, as you're clearly hooked on this fellow, and at this point, most anyone who is hooked like you are would do what you are doing right now, which is take him back. I can only share my experience. I was with someone who "freaked out" like this, and she came back to me, we talked about how we needed to communicate more, she acknowledged it, promised it would be different, and then proceeded to repeat her behavior. And years earlier, I was the other side of this equation. I told a girlfriend, after a break-up, that I would be different. And I wasn't. Of course there are exceptions, and we all imagine that we are it, but on the whole, issues like you have described with him are deep rooted and require real life experience to change. It's also not so good a sign that he broke up with you in that manner and at that time, which is pretty unforgivable, and then fell apart, and then came back to you. It reads like fear drove him back. I myself know couples who have done this exact pattern. And yes, they're still together, but from my perspective, they're kind of miserable. People don't make good decisions when swimming in fear and hurt and longing, which is why everyone is gently trying to tell you to back off and heal before doing this again.

I will also offer a male's perspective. I've been this guy, years ago. And I was a jerk. His behavior is just cause for jealousy (or concern) on your part, and when you tell him, instead of wanting to make it better, he blames you. I see it all the time, and I always marvel at the women who put up with it. I even marveled when I did it myself. In fact, men lose respect for women that they can walk all over. It's a self-loathing thing--they don't like themselves enough to do what is right for them, and they resent you for accepting their behavior.

Again, I think it's useless for me to write this. You believe you are meant to be with this person (which is pretty deadly, as is so often pointed out on this site), so you're going to do what you want to do. If I were a friend of yours, this is where I'd have to be supportive and just wish you the best with it but at the same time knowing that it doesn't sound good. Since we're virtually anonymous strangers on a site, we can give you hard, objective takes on these things. Up to you what you do with them.
Having said all that, best of luck. If it works out, then great. And if not, try not to beat yourself up for it. It's how we learn.

I'm sorry JayJay for my one liner which seemed like an attack. I should have said that I find this all too skeptical and I'm afraid for you that he will do the same thing again and hurt you. I guess I meant to be careful because I am very scared for you. I do not wish bad on your relationship. Based on many experiences, things just replay themselves and I doubt this is any different. I was very happy and said the same things you said when I got back with my ex. After a year and 9 months, though more great memories, more pain. Not worth it. I should have learned the first time. I know you will still risk it, but I'm skeptical and you know you are too. Don't get married at least for another year. Test the waters. I still feel like using the one liner again but you will take it the wrong way again.

We are taking it slow, we aren't living together, we aren't engaged, we have gone right back to the start, clean slate.

Of course I am a bit skeptical, because I put all of my trust in him and he did what he did, so that trust is now gone, and until that has been built up again, we can't be the same as what we were.
I'm happy to give him another chance because I believe in second chances, but that's as far as it goes. No third chances with me.
I can understand everyone being skeptical because like I said, I am too, and so are my friends and family.
That's why I am keeping him and the relationship at arms length until he proves to me that he is worth the chance I am giving him.

I didn't know whether to post this here or in another thread, but just so you all can keep up with my story, I decided to put it here.

We have been back together for a few weeks now, and I'm having doubts.
I thought that he'd do whatever it took to make me forgive him, and make him see that he is sorry, and he hasn't really done anything to show me that that's how he feels.
I feel emotionally drained, I feel that he sucks the fun out of absolutely everything!

A week after we got back together, he accused me and his best friend of sleeping together. We have never even had a crush on each other, or spent time together without him there! His best friend went mad and didn't speak to him for days. Then he accuses me of being jealous!!
I feel as though he just keeps creating problems where there aren't any problems.
I don't feel as if I want to carry on with him anymore, everything is so different since we got back together.
I hink I had him on a pedastal before, and could see no wrong with him, and now, in the cold light of day, I'm seeing him for who he really is, which is a nasty, grumpy person!

I don't know if I'm willing to waste any more time trying to rebuild the relationship if this is how I'm feeling.
I do love him, but Im not entirely sure Im not in love with him anymore.
When he split up with me, he completely knocked me. He destroyed me, and I think that has changed everything I felt about him, and I don't feel as though I have the energy to stick this out anymore.

My family and friends keep telling me that I have lost my spark, and that I'm not the same bubbly person I used to be, and I have him to blame for that, he completely knocked the wind out of my sails - and I don't think this can ever be rebuilt.

I am so hurt about all this, it's such a confusing time for me.
Any advice on how I can get through this?

Jayjay, I know it hurts and this isn't going to be easy, but I really believe that you should let him go. It sounds like he is trying to get you angry enough to leave him so that he doesn't have to be the 'bad guy'. I don't think either of you are happy with the relationship. Let it go now before any more resentment is built up.

Once again, the best advice I can think of is to tell him goodbye and go No Contact. Keep yourself busy mentally and physically. Rebuild your own life. Actually give yourself a chance to heal before getting into any relationship.

Give yourself resources to help even out the low moments. Keep writing here. We will do our best to give you support and up-to-date advice.

Volunteering, continuing education, community craft and art classes, exercise, Yoga, etc. are all ways that you can help keep your mind and body going even when you feel like giving up. They can also be ways to make new friends with people who share your same interests.

Just know that no matter what your decision, we will be here. :)

When the first break happened you were so crushed and hurt,and that is to be expected,but when someone you love,that you thought felt the same way could hurt you like that,its bound to change your view and your perseption of them... and you want things back the same way... but its called a breakup because its broken.

Getting back together things have to change,your not the same couple,and wanting it and making it happen can be worlds apart...

Sometimes too much ground to lost in a breakup to make up the difference,and the things you let go before become more noticeable in this new situation.

The advice I can come up with is listen to the people who know you,your friends and family,they see that your light is gone out... but its not gone out,its overshadowed by the relationship... not him... but the new dynamics... im sure he's not a bad guy,we all have faults... listen to your gut feeling on this,listen to your family and take whatever advice here that feels right... add it all up...

And just to repeat what cat has said,there is support and an ear here should you need it.

Jayjay I'm sorry and I hope you re coping. If you re not happy and if you feel he s not trying the best advice I can give is for you to walk away.
It seems he s not willing to address any of his underlying issues and work to get your relationship back on track.
Take care.

Thanks you guys.

I am meeting him tomorrow to finish this for good.
I feel like being cold with him, I think it will be easier if I'm cold with him rather than friendly and cheerful.

Im sorry it had to come to this. Let us know how you are. Take care

Maybe he felt that you were too much of a "yes" person. Some people like some challenge. If that's the case stop fretting over him. There's always fish in the ocean. But, if you've paid for all the things than you have the right to sue him.

Take care of yourself, Jayjay.

Remember that you have an inner strength that will help you get through it.

2ndtime, I am not a yes person at all, never have been. I, myself, like a bit of a challenge, and someone who mwill challenge me. Neither of us were ever into pandering to the other - that's one thing that made us so great before.
And we both paid for deposits etc.. I'm not interested in sueing him or ending this in an ugly way - I just want shot of it.

Thanks guys for the support and advice. I will keep you updated with what happens.

Its been a week and a half since we officially split up.
After it happened, we shared the longest, nicest, goodbye kiss - and went our sperate ways.
Later that night there was a couple of texts, but not many - and that was it.

Yesterday, after over a week of NC, he texts me saying if I want to meet up for a drink to let him know.
I replied with "aye ok" but that's it. Over the last week I've been having a good time and been enjoying being single, I've been clubbing loads and at party's, having fun.
I don't think his text means anything and I'm not going to read into it but I don't know how to react if he texts again.

I don't feel hurt enough by the break up to go NC fully and ignore his texts. I don't feel the need to text him, and won't text him, but I feel its OK to reply when he texts me.
Is that OK?
I don't know.

Its only been a week and a half so I'd think there's still quite some emotional dust that needs to settle.
Only you can decide if you want total NC or not but for the time being that's what I'd recommend. Maybe further down the road you can meet up as friends and do the drinks thing.
Going out and having a good time's the way to go-enjoy your new single life!

Jayjay, with major holidays coming up, you need to be more careful about keeping full no contact going.

Today, you may not fell like calling him. However, in the near future as happy holiday memories stir, the temptation to initiate the contact will grow stronger. If you are already taking his calls/texts that will work to weaken your resolve.

The holidays are traditionally one of the worst times for down points to occur. Do yourself a favor and don't make the fall harder than it could be.

One other thing to think about: by taking his texts and responding, you are giving him and yourself false hope that that everything can go back to the way it was. You are also prolonging the healing process time for both of you.

Take care of your healing, life, and heart. Stay with full NC.

Hi,

You and I are pretty much in the same boat. I know, it is sad and it leaves you feeling confused, hurt, angry, and bewildered.. but unless he comes to his senses and realizes that he has made a mistake, it is over. It is a shame what he did to you. And I know you are looking for answers but it may be truly over. Usually this type of sudden breakup is attributed to one or all of these three factors: 1) an ex-girlfriend 2) Some feelings of insecurity (within himself) 3) a new interest that has been slowly taken him away from you (some girl at work, at school, or at the gym or some online friend. It is uncanny the similarites you an I have, right down to the number of years together with this guy. And I know it really may be devastating you the fact that you have accepted, trusted, chose this particular individual to spend your life with and now he leaves. Please know that you are not suffering alone and remember you don't want to guilt or beg someone into getting back with you. He needs to see what he has missed out on for himself. It is not your fault.