Hello everyone! I often think it's rude to sign up for a new forum and already start a thread without going around, but I think I really need some objective opinion beforehand.

I'm not threading new grounds, and probably a lot of you heard the "I love you, but I'm not in love anymore". I just don't believe it. And it started a month ago.

A month ago, everything was going fine with my girlfriend. We were madly in love, we had plans, we both changed our fields of study to be able to work together and we were taking out relationship to the next levels, celebrating a year and a half of being together. We had been best friends for a long time before and well, we were happy.

Now, fast forward to a month ago, when she started calling me less. Not answering text messages and all. I was very busy, working with a big client, and when we managed to talk, she admitted she wanted me to spend more time with her. I messed with my schedule, dropped work and managed to be more with her. We had a blast of a time, going on dates, playing videogames together, buying presents for her family, cooking. We took this opportunity to rediscover together our sexual life. But every weekend, she would seem a bit depressed, and it ate me inside.

I ended up discovering through a mutual friend that she had a crush on another guy, didn't want to leave me but it was making her feel bad about herself. I didn't really mind. We are both attractive, love to charm, and I had crushes in relationships before. However I always valued my relationship higher and never caved in. I know her enough to trust her completely and decided to see how it would lead. After all, we were rediscovering ourselves and having a good time!

Last week was even better, and we spent many days in bed, getting up only to make food and then love again. Then the weekend came around and everything broke down again. But this time, I did too, and I ended up confronting her about the whole story. She told me she loved me, but didn't know if she was in love with me anymore. She also told me I needed to back off and see other people instead. We called a break to sort things out.

Now, a few days ago, she was all over me, calling and calling to get with me, date, do everything, and in a matter of hours, she became unsure? I trust her, still, and accepted.

So break week, here we are. Everyday, she calls me to check up on me. We met the other day and spent the whole day together, we hugged, kissed. She keeps calling, keep wanting to see me. Told me the other night that after a lot of thinking, she realized I was the one for her and she didn't want to lose me and was glad the break was doing some good to both of us. I was happy. Then, boom. She tells me she loves me but she's not in love (again) and that everything she said wasn't really true but probably more of a habit than anything.

Is it possible to be with someone for a year and a half, and in the end, have so little consideration? Am I missing something in there? She has been acting very strange and I've been in constant contact with her family, who is very worried about her as well. She got angry last night because she wanted to see me and admitted she hallucinated that we were supposed to see each other. When I told her we were on break and I needed my space, she told me she had forgotten it.

I was feeling good but now I couldn't sleep at all. I love her, and I want to be there for her, but right now I'm thinking this situation goes deeper than "Long term relationship with a crush on someone else" kind of case, and I'm starting to worry about her mental health. Could a mental breakdown cause something like that? The whole thing has been really abrupt, with mood swings going from one end to another. I know her enough to know she isn't a liar, she's a very upfront and direct person (sometimes too much), she can be a princess and a , but the person I talk to isn't my girlfriend. When I'm with her, her eyes are sparkly and beautiful. When she takes pictures of herself, they're empty and look tired.

I'll call her parents to have a talk about recent developments later and try to see her in the afternoon. I've been in constant contact with a suicide prevention center but I'm running out of resources, energy and I don't know what to think anymore. Is she trying to break up without being able to, is she really confused or is it mental problems?

Thanks for your time, I'll check back later here
Confused man.

I am not sure it is a mental breakdown that is causing all of this. That may be a bit premature, although it may look like a breakdown. When someone starts questioning their love for someone they care deeply for, it will make you act weird, distant, cold or differently. It is human nature.

As far as it being possible to date for 1 and 1/2 years and then something changes so suddenly, YES it is possible and even more so, it is likely and happens in a LOT of relationships. Same thing happened to me after a five year relationship.

I am not sure how old you two are, but you sound young, perhaps in your early twenties. It is a prime time to start wondering about the rest of your life and the feelings you have start to change. I assure you she has been thinking about her feelings and your situation for awhile and good luck. I don't think she is strong enough to deal with this right now, which is prompting her to want to be around you for emotional support. I would advise you to use caution in that case.

All in all you have what seems like a good head on your shoulders. This is kind of a waiting game. I would normally say not to wait and move on, heal, that sort of generic answer, but I think this may be a bit different. While your ex sounds confused, I also think she is extremely scared of losing something she still "loves." Keep us updated for sure.

Afternoon, As kctiger states, mental illness should never been confused for love. Both will make you act weird. I am sure you can appreciate writing down in a few paragraphs will not tell the full story so it is always difficult to comment on such issues with the full facts.

But let me share some wisdom from an old dog.

When we are kids the world is easy, we have our family, our home, our school and our playing area. The world is massive full of oppurtunities we are blissfully unaware off.

As we get older, the world becomes smaller, oppurtunties unvail themselves for our choosing.

The lessons we learnt at school seem to have stopped, but they continue through life. No more is it 2 + 2, rather should I or shouldn't I, sometimes we learn quickly, sometimes it takes us decades if ever.

What we need to do is recognised what our heads and hearts are telling us and make a decision based on that day.

Not knowing if in 12 months, 18, or even 10 years time we will feel the same way as we did then, due to the collision of experiences that cover the timespan.

And the hardest thing to know, if we ever learn it, is to know what we had when we had it.

It sounds like you are good people, and good people never want to hurt anybody, but, people good or bad need to me hinest with themselves. Your girlfriend sounds like she cannot or isn't being honest with yourself, and therefore not making a choice is hurting herself.

Depending on what type of person she is and as your state she is forthright, not being so is not being her, so when you say she isn't acting herself, she isn't.

The whole point of a break is to have a physical break, it sounds like you two haven't done that either.

Lastly, you have to be honest with yourself, if this situation is starting to make you ill, (worry, lack of sleep etc) you will not be able to think straight and make an honest choice.

Hope you find peace and understanding soon.

Phlanx

Thank you for your reply. Indeed we are both in our twenties. I know people can change, and while I'm not in denial that we might not come back together, I'm seriously confused. I wanted to cut all contact with her and originally she was the one asking for space but as soon as I gave her some, she ran at me. I know I wouldn't throw myself like that at her if I wasn't in love... Since last night, knowing she kinds of hallucinates things makes me even more nervous and I began seeing the whole thing as beyond the love aspect of her life. I'm scared for her, both as a boyfriend and best friend.

I might be looking for comfort, but wouldn't her saying
"I love you, Ive been thinking a lot and I feel youre the only one right for me, I couldnt find better if I wanted" amount to something? I believe breaks can be healthy for relationships but it's hard to feel on break when she says things like that everyday, then run away if I make a move!

It is possible that she's dealing with some mental issues. And I gather that you're not a psychiatrist. That said, it isn't your place to play rescuer. You may need to write this one off as an unhealthy situation for you. I know it's hard when you care for someone but ultimately your own well-being is what's most important. And trying to have a "relationship" with someone with mental issues is not easy and not fun.

I was happy. Then, boom. She tells me she loves me but she's not in love (again) and that everything she said wasn't really true but probably more of a habit than anything.


While I think its natural to be happy when times are happy, ignoring her very honest statements twice now is a very big mistake. The time to talk was when she came back to you, and you were so happy, there was no talk.

Yes, her feelings have changed, but she doesn't know what to do with them, so she hangs on trying to get them back. Sorry, but that will never work, and eventually a break has to occur, and healing after that.

Even you are starting to accept the inevitable, but neither of you knows how to go about it.

While I think its natural to be happy when times are happy, ignoring her very honest statements twice now is a very big mistake. The time to talk was when she came back to you, and you were so happy, there was no talk.

Yes, her feelings have changed, but she doesn't know what to do with them, so she hangs on trying to get them back. Sorry, but that will never work, and eventually a break has to occur, and healing after that.

Even you are starting to accept the inevitable, but neither of you knows how to go about it.

It did come around in the end. A couple of days ago she invited me over to talk. She told me she had time to think and she knew she wanted to be with me, but also wanted us to take it slowly so we'd still have time for ourselves through the relationship. We spent a great week, seeing us from time to time, until last night she dropped the confusion bomb again.

She told me she doesn't know why it keeps happening, and the last thing she wants is to feel like she's playing with my heart, pushing me away and holding me closer. She told me that while she wasn't confused anymore about how she felt about me, she feels broken and needs alone time to find herself again if we ever want a relationship together.

She also said she couldn't take time for herself during the break because she was thinking too much about me and fearing to lose me. Now that we're broken up, she'd be able to do some real work on herself.

She however said she wanted us to remain friends because she can't forget about me and want our plans to come alive. She said she needs to first herself first and then, if I'm still single, see if we can come back together again. Is it again the fear of losing me talking?

I mean I'm all for letting her find herself all over because I can't have a relationship with someone like this right now. I'm not the kind to jump from one girl to the next so I'll take some time for myself but I'm really scared of hurting myself through the "we stay friends" ordeal.

She told me she believes that if we're meant to be together, we'd both find a way to come back together when the time is right. Anybody believes this? The breakup happened a few hours ago and I'm in limbo right now, not quite knowing what to feel.

You can't hang around in limbo while she goes about her business.
Staying friends and meeting up as friends only adds to pain and confusion.
You should step back and take care of yourself now and step off the emotional rollercoaster.

In my opinion you need to drop the “she's having a mental breakdown” and just accept it for what it is, a break up. Break ups happen and generally someone is not to the wiser it's coming. Sorry bud.

We could spend hours and hundreds of posts explaining to you the following but trust me when I say it's the best for you and your well being. My advice;

• First, put some space between yourself and her. Yeah… that dreaded No Contact. Tell her you need space and want no further contact. That's it, you walk away. No more of her games and using you as her emotional tampon. It seems harsh and believe me it's a damn site harder to do but you'll see the benefit in time.
• Second, get out of her and her family's business. I'm sure her family is being cordial with you but you don't need to be bothering them with your “psycho” theories about their daughter. You are not blood. You are the guy their daughter dumped. Not to mention you'll ultimately piss off your EX. Keep your mouth shut and move on along.
• Third, if you make it this far, you need to focus on moving on. Hobbies, exercise, friends, family, whatever does it for you. The point is to refocus your attention on something/someone else. Yep... there are other women out there.

I realize all this sucks. Been there, done that, doing it. Ultimately if you follow along with the plan you may find that you and her can once connect in the future at a later date. Listen a later date doesn't mean next week either… could be months, could be years, could be never. Either way you'll be in a better place.

Disappear from her life, and get your own, thats how you do No Contact, and avoid the confusion, and drama, of emotional BS.

That allows you to keep your dignity and self respect, while you regroup and make better decisions for yourself.

This also allows her time and space to get her own act together without your influence, or pressure, and when you both have healed sufficiently, then, and only then should you consider friends.

Exes make lousy friends when the feelings are still intense and strong.