I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I found out I was pregnant after three months, and miscarried. We ended up moving in together two weeks after the miscarriage happened. There have been a lot of instances where he has put his hands on me, and a few where he has caused quite a bit of damage. We got into a bad place, and we've both decided to step back to try to fix things. Financially - it wasn't best for us to keep our apartment, so I moved home, and he moved in with his sister. We continued to fight like crazy, and I found comfort in talking to a friend of mine that is in the army and in Iraq. When my friend came home on leave, I spent a lot of time with him, and we ended up sleeping together. The problem is - my boyfriend and I have been doing very good, and I'm very happy. My friend that I slept with - was jealous of my relationship with my boyfriend -- so he decided to send AIM conversations, pictures, and a video of me kissing him -- to my boyfriend. I denied sleeping with this guy, but my boyfriend won't speak to me. He cried all day long, and I feel terrible. But, now he's back to being angry. He put his hands on me today. It was the first time in months. This is one time where I understand why he did it. I'm not this kind of girl. I love my boyfriend. I feel terrible for what I did, and terrible for the way that I hurt him. This happened back at the beginning of September and it is now mid October -- Please tell me how I can make this right with him...

Physical abuse is not OK or warranted ever.

You need to be honest with him and yourself (although if you are already being physically abused then you probably cannot safely have the conversation).

If you were truly happy then why did you cheat?

I agree. There's NO reason for physical abuse. NONE! Leave him, move on, and try to gain a healthy perspective on relationships (either through counseling or through finding someone that doesn't hit you).

He s abusive so you stay away from this toxic relationship.
No one deserves to be treated the way he treats you for whatever reason.
Physical abuse tends to escalate and you could find yourself in real danger.
Find a way to move on and don't look back.

You really need to leave them both alone as they both are using your feelings against you, for their own purposes.

The facts that you accept this bad behavior from them, and think its your fault, is a red flag you need to pay attention to.

This is a sign you don't love yourself enough, and the only way you will is to get away from them both and heal, and learn to love yourself enough to not be treated badly by any one, for any reason.

I really appreciate these answers. I'm just not sure that I want to listen to the advice even though I know it makes sense. When I slept with this guy --- that was in the beginning of September. My boyfriend and I really started talking in a more productive way about a week later. I didn't have the heart to tell him, and I was scared to. Talaniman's response kind of hits it head on -- I do completely blame myself for their bad behavior -- but the way I see it is -- I cheated -- I need to deal with the consequences. If I know 100% within me that I would never cheat again -- is there anyway of salvaging my relationship with my boyfriend? Even if it IS toxic, even if there ARE these red flags -- I love him, I don't want to lose him..

This man is an abuser-this is when you run for the hills.
Violence escalates-get out whilst you still have a chance.

Hello, in abusive relationships,and you are in an abusive relationships,there is a control element, in yours,your boyfriend holds the power,when you cheated and he found out,he realised he did not have enough power over you not to cheat,I'm not condoning your cheating,but I find mostly women who are with men who hit them,are normally afraid to do anything to upset the status que.

The guy you cheated with,if you look closely,will probably have the same type of characters in his personality as your boyfriend... you keep picking the same guy.

Saying this is a toxic relationship,is just going to go in one ear and out the other,until YOU realise that you have to break this cycle,you will continue to have abusive and toxic relationships,and continue to pick the same type of man.

He will not stop hitting you... how many times has it been? More then once.

I'm afraid the only advice I can give you will echo the other responses..

Until you have suffered enough,until YOU see what is before your eyes you won't leave,and this behaviour from him will never stop.

Reality Check, and it may come off as really harsh!

Are you crazy?? You cheated because a guy was knocking you upside your head, and you needed to feel love.

He will get pissed, or angry again, and knock you around again.

Now drop this NONSENSE about consequences and take time to get healthy, and happy, so you can have a positive adult experience, and get blessings, not consequences.

Your in total denial, of your own reality.

This behavior will only escalate and one day you will find yourself in a hospital bed fighting for your life.
That is ,if you are lucky enough to survive.
You are allowing this to happen and you need to respect yourself and never allow this.
You need to get out now and you need to protect yourself when you make that known to your BF.The most dangerous time for an abused person is when they try to leave their abuser.
Get out now my dear and honor yourself.You never should justify abuse.He is out of control and it will only get worse.
I have been there and I can assure you,I am telling you the truth.You have no future with an abuser!

He might be able to go weeks, months, maybe even a few years without hitting you. That's how long my father was able to go. He went a few years without hitting my mom. Things were good for a little while. Then he started pushing her around. Not just her, my siblings and me too. Then one day he tried to run her over out in the middle of the street with my baby siblings watching, after he'd kicked the crap out of me. Is that what you want your life to end up? Do you really want to stick around to see if he miraculously changes? Do you really want to risk bringing a child into the world with him?

Maybe I should've named this something else? Because, everyone always focuses on the fact that he hits me, or has hit me, it's been months since he's done that.. like July was the last time I think... other than yesterday -- and yesterday wasn't bad... hit twice in the arm, once in the stomach -- I know it SOUNDS terrible, but it really didn't hurt that bad... What about the fact that I CHEATED... didn't I do something WRONG? I don't want to be justified in my actions...

Hitting is hitting it doesn't matter if it was yesterday or a year ago, that is why everyone is focusing on the physical abuse.

Yeah. Cheating was bad. Cheating on an abusive person is especially dangerous. You're lucky the guy didn't kill you when he found out. Because yes, @$$holes like him have been known to kill women for cheating. Not even for cheating. Just because. Because the woman didn't do something just how they wanted. Because they had a bad day and decided to take it out on the woman. Any reason they sit fit in their rageful moment. So yeah, you were wrong to cheat. He's wrong to hit you. And you're a fool if you continue to stay with him.

Maybe I should've named this something else? Because, everyone always focuses on the fact that he hits me, or has hit me, it's been months since he's done that.. like July was the last time I think... other than yesterday -- and yesterday wasn't bad... hit twice in the arm, once in the stomach -- I know it SOUNDS terrible, but it really didn't hurt that bad.... What about the fact that I CHEATED... didn't I do something WRONG? I don't want to be justified in my actions...


OK, from reading your post you cheated because you and your boyfriend were going through a bad time...

cheating in a relationship breaks the trust,and is very difficult to fix.

my advice is to leave this relationship,give yourself plenty of time to heal,and don't to it again.

no trust=no relationship.

Maybe I should've named this something else? Because, everyone always focuses on the fact that he hits me, or has hit me, it's been months since he's done that.. like July was the last time I think... other than yesterday -- and yesterday wasn't bad... hit twice in the arm, once in the stomach -- I know it SOUNDS terrible, but it really didn't hurt that bad.... What about the fact that I CHEATED... didn't I do something WRONG? I don't want to be justified in my actions...

Yes,you did something wrong but hitting you is never and I mean never a justifiable act.
A man with any decency would have said fine and walked away and ended the relationship.

What right does he have to hit you ? How can you defend that?
What if you were carrying his child and he decided to punch you in the stomach?You think he would know better if there was a baby in your belly.Think again! An abuser is not in control!

The fact that he has EVER hit you is cause for alarm! I don't care if it is once a year ,it is wrong,it will happen again and it will get worse.He needs help and so do you!
That is not a sign of love ,it is a sign of anger and immaturity and it is wrong no matter how you try to make it seem like it is O.K..

Don't you have any self respect?
My dear,I lived your life.I was hospitalized many times and I faced death at this mans hands so I know what game you are trying to play by pretending that its not so bad.

It will happen again and it will be worse.It does not mean he loves you.
Abuse is not love.

I just got in from working on a home for battered women. Our church, along with several others in our area, are doing work this weekend on projects that need work, but don't have funding. Well, a couple of weeks ago, there was a murder/suicide in our area. A man shot a woman, then turned the gun on himself. The woman involved had been staying at the house I just mentioned for 3 months, and then decided to go back to the guy who was abusing her, her "boyfriend".

She was dead the next day.

You must understand that when a man hits, slaps, harms a woman in any way, he usually will not stop, and the abuse gets worse and worse.

I think you should stay away from both of the guys. The boyfriend for obvious reasons, and the "friend" for the fact that if he knew your boyfriend was abusive, what did he think that he was going to do when he sent those pictures? Beat you, that's what. He played a cruel stunt thinking that it was going to get the boyfriend out of the picture.

Take time like Tal. Mentioned , and work on yourself esteem. Never allow anyone to ever hurt you. That's unacceptable behavior.

You may think that things are getting better, but there's another storm right around corner, and this is just a calm.

May GOD keep you safe.

I know he's angry now -- So I'm not going to talk to him. He told me if he saw me now he wouldn't be able to control himself. So I'm not going... he warned me yesterday too - that's why I feel like I somewhat deserved it. Even though I should be looking at all of this -- Knowing that I am better than the situation -- knowing I'm better then being abused -------------- I want to know what I can do to gain forgivness. How to show that I am truly sorry. He says he doesn't think I feel any remorse, and I am beside myself - because, I know how truly sorry I am. Should I come 100% clean? I'm scared to... If abuse wasn't an issue within this ---- what advice would you give me?

The problem is, that the advice given in a different set of circumstances would not work here..

I feel giving any other advice other then to get away and be safe would be putting your life in danger..

That may sound extreme to you,but to me,and I'm being objective here,it would be remiss of me anyway, to advice anything else.

It doesn't matter if this were a different situation. Because it's not. You need to go get yourself some counseling. Maybe if someone is sitting there in front of you telling you all this stuff you will get it. You just don't seem to be getting it. YOU NEED TO LEAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP! Who cares if he forgives you or believes that you're remorseful. He's hit you. What he wants, chooses to believe, etc. is now meaningless. He deserves nothing.

The best advice has been given.
What you are looking for is a reason to to stay in this abusive relationship.
This guy is an abuser and a controller. He has you believing you deserve the abuse, this way he can continue to do it when he deems it necessary and you will take it.
You need to leave him and stay gone and get some counseling so that you will realize that and abuser does no love, he controls and that you are not a person to be beaten when you don't behave in a way an abuser thinks you should.
Your esteem needs to be worked on. You are an adult, not a child. No man has the right to hit you no matter what you have done.
You are not in love with this creep, you just have such poor feelings about yourself. You think he is the best you can do. Both of these guys are users. You need to find out why you lean towards this type of man.
Advice: LEAVE and COUNSELING

I know I need help. I know that I do -- it's just that I'm not ready yet. I should be. I could say things that he has done in the past -- and it would just give you all the confirmation to everything you already assume has happened. I just want to work it out so bad... Can someone tell me how to work it out? At least for the time being.. even if we break up somewhere down the road because I come to terms with this ---- I'm not at that point yet..

I'm sorry, but I cannot nor will I tell you how to stay in an abusive relationship.
No matter what you do or say, it will not be acceptable to him because he wants to have power over you and the way to that power is through making you feel deserving of abuse.
This is a lose lose situation and you will be the only loser.
Get some counseling, this will help you know what you need to do and give you the strength to do it.

I know he's angry now -- So I'm not going to talk to him. He told me if he saw me now he wouldn't be able to control himself. So I'm not going... he warned me yesterday too - that's why I feel like I somewhat deserved it. Even though I should be looking at all of this -- Knowing that I am better than the situation -- knowing I'm better then being abused -------------- I want to know what I can do to gain forgivness. How to show that I am truely sorry. He says he doesn't think I feel any remorse, and I am beside myself - because, I know how truely sorry I am. Should I come 100% clean? I'm scared to... If abuse wasn't an issue within this ---- what advice would you give me?

So let me get this straight. He warned you to stay away because he knew he would BEAT you?

Well, isn't he considerate.

If you insist on being with guys that hurt you, you should at least empower yourself. Learn self-defense, or martial arts. That way, next time one of these guys go off on you, you can at least fight back.

You want advice on this mess, if abuse wasn't in the picture. Most of us can't see past the abuse, does that frustrate you?

Well, no one here wants to help you stay with an abusive person.

Why live with constant danger from someone who says he loves you?

He may very well love you to death.

I'm not about to give you advice on how to stay with this abusive jerk either. If you want to give us an idea of where you are I'll help you Google support groups and counselors. But no way am I giving you advice on staying with him.

I'm in the Chicago suburbs.. 30 minutes south of Chicago... He's a pro boxer... it complicates things... What do I do now when he calls? Or comes by my work? I don't want to make things worse, and I'm not strong enough to write him off completely. I can't make this decision unless I'm ready, and at this point -- I'm too caught up in it. I too badly want to be with him still. I can't help that...

Don't answer your phone. If he comes by your work, tell him to leave. Inform your manager's what's going on so they'll know to back you up. If there's security, talk to them so they know to watch out for him. Have someone walk you to your car. If he keeps coming by or calling after you've told him to go away, get a restraining order. If he continues after you get one, call the police and enforce it. How does him being a pro boxer complicate things? To me, it just makes it that much more clear that he is dangerous. Not only can he not control his rage, he's been trained to inflict pain. A truly deadly combination.

Chicago Abused Women Coalition (http://www.cawc.org/programs/index.html)

Domestic Violence Agencies (http://www.silcom.com/~paladin/madv/dvagencies.html)

Even if these places aren't close enough for you to go to, I'm sure if you call, they can at least refer you to someplace closer.

I'm not trying to be stupid with my responses... this is just very emotional for me. I understand what he has done is very wrong... I've let him get away with all of it for a very long time... but, with this situation -- I really feel that it was me that messed up. Also, I think there is a posibility that I may be pregnant... I've talked about this a little bit with him -- but, I'm not sure yet. I'm late, but the first test I took was negative... but I didn't do it first thing in the morning like you're supposed to, so I'm waiting until Monday to test again... If I am - I don't want to do this alone.. It gives me even MORE of a reason to want to work things out with him.. the right way...

No one is going to give you advice on how to keep an abuser, there is NONE. We all have seen the tragic results of staying, and sadly so will you.

At least talk to someone that knows, such as a counselor, and let them teach you why its so hard to be ready to leave them. Oft times, its really to late then.

If you are pregnant, think of what your bringing your child into.

I'm not trying to be stupid with my responses... this is just very emotional for me. I understand what he has done is very wrong... I've let him get away with all of it for a very long time........ but, with this situation -- I really feel that it was me that messed up. Also, I think there is a possibility that I may be pregnant... I've talked about this a little bit with him -- but, I'm not sure yet. I'm late, but the first test I took was negative... but I didn't do it first thing in the morning like you're supposed to, so I'm waiting until Monday to test again......... If I am - I don't want to do this alone.. It gives me even MORE of a reason to want to work things out with him.. the right way.....
If you are pregnant the last thing you want to do is raise a child in an abusive situation.
Do you want your son or daughter growing up thinking this is normal? How do you know he won't be angry that you're pregnant and harm you and this possible unborn child?
You need to leave this guy, get a restraining order if he does not leave you alone.
If you are pregnant it no longer about you. You must protect this child and the only way to do that is to be away from him.

You did wrong by cheating but he had no right to abuse you before or after. What kind of man hits a woman, and his being a prize fighter, he has problems and he really has no business hitting a woman. You need to get away from him.

Doing it without him in the picture doesn't have to mean being alone. Do you have family or friends to be there with you? Would you really rather risk having a child witness you be abused, and be abused themselves, than risk having a child without a father figure? Because that is what will happen. The abuse towards you will continue. Not just maybe. It will. It will not stop. And it will most likely turn towards your child. Is that really what you want? You need to think about that. Is being with him worth your life? Yes, you messed up. You stayed with him after he hit you. You cheated on him. That was all wrong. It does not justify his actions. It does not excuse them. Not now. Not ever. Nothing you can do will ever justify his hitting you.

Better going it alone than bringing your child up having an abusive father
If he hits you do you seriously think he wouldn't be capble of hurting your child as well...

Honestly I think this post has gone on long enough.

You have had ALL the information you could possibly need you have just chosen to ignore it an keep asking how to get him back.

No-one is going to tell you.

You need to leave... end of story.

To tell you the truth, I'd rather be beaten up than to be cheated. I hate this excuses that someone got carried away and ending up sleeping with someone else omg. Yeah, you did a good job, you cheated on him. Did he deserve it to be cheated? And what kind of boyfriend is he, beating a woman. OMG. But it's better than to cheat. I would like to see how you would react if he cheated on you with someone else. And then she would post all the pictures and all the conversation on MSN and so. Why do people have affair, when they are in a relationship. What's more you were dishonest to him. When you become a mother, I hope your child will understand this. I can't find any good sympathy with you, even though I try to.

Seems like you think you're the one who's suffering the most, but the truth is your boyfriend is suffering more than you. How did he feel when he saw the video you kissing with that guy. Tss.

Ok, even though, you're this bad, but I got no choice, but to give you some advice.

Just tell your boyfriend, if he lays his hand on you one more time, tell him you'll call the cops. And if he won't change just leave him for good or you two will be suffering.

Now you feel bad, but during the sex, how did you feel? Did you feel guilty at all, huh? Omg, why do I hate cheating this much. Cheating ruins everything. And you're one of them. You're a damn cheater and he's a bad abuser. Omg, these human's actions. Why are the people so stupid, why don't they just open their eyes and realize that they are doing stupid actions.

You know what, you're just one of the bad example for your child. I don't know what he'll be. But God Bless Him. An unwanted child, who's born by a cheating mom and abusing dad. The hell, how can sth like this exist.

And I don't care if you feel humiliated by me. You deserve it. For every bad commitments, there shall be punishments. Don't like it? Don't care! I'm not that understanding? Well, you can't expect from a 18 years old boy to understand these things.

Now, there's so little you can save. And everyone who just said to leave your boyfriend. Don't you all see the consquences? What about that child? You know how hard is it, to be raised by a single mother? Use your heart over brain sometimes.

Stay with you boyfriend, tell him that you can't stand his approach. It hurts you and ask him if he cares about that child. I can tell that both of you, are really bad persons. Hope you'll improve soon

Good luck in life, you will have hard time

Omg, everyone can change. My father was also a abuser, but I told him to stop. I protected my mother no matter what. I think only a good son can make his father to stop. It's better to have an abusive father than to have a lonely family. The child will suffer omg, how can't you understand this?

Omg. Are you out of your mind? This woman is not in a safe situation. Do not encourage her to stay in a potentially life threatening relationship. Yeah, people can change. But most don't.

I'm not strong enough for this. I messed up, really bad. He messed up, really bad. I can't do this.

Yeah, and she won't be safe if she doesn't change her behaviour. What about that child I just feel sorry for him

I'm not strong enough for this. I messed up, really bad. He messed up, really bad. I can't do this.

You don't have to do it alone, people have already posted in the thread where you can get the help you need.



Yeah, and she won't be safe if she doesn't change her behaviour. What about that child I just feel sorry for him
@devil
Nobody condones cheating, the important thing is she gets the help she needs

Yeah, and she won't be safe if she doesn't change her behaviour. What about that child I just feel sorry for him

I really meant to disagree with you, not agree.
This man was hitting her before she cheating.
He is an abuser and she needs to be away from him.
His emotional problems are not her fault. This is a big man
A prize fighter who hits women. Was hitting her before.
Did you not read all of her post?

Omg, everyone can change. My father was also a abuser, but I told him to stop. I protected my mother no matter what. I think only a good son can make his father to stop. It's better to have an abusive father than to have a lonely family. The child will suffer omg, how can't you understand this?

It is not up to the child to protect the parent. The parent's job is to protect the child. I am sorry that you had to be the grown up in your family. I think you need to get counseling for yourself. However, this is not about you.

I am going to be extremely blunt and harsh:

Imessedup, wake up. When are you going to "be ready" to get your life and self-esteem back? When you are in the hospital with broken bones? When your spleen or kidneys have been damaged? When you are in the hospital praying that your unborn child survives long enough to be born, hopefully, healthy? When you are mourning your unborn child that you miscarried because he got mad and hit you in the stomach again?

Yes, you messed up. That is for you to work through for yourself. Only you can forgive yourself and move forward from there. Using his fists to punish yourself is not acceptable behavior.

You want us to tell you what to do to keep him from hitting you again when he thinks about whatever wrongs you have done him. Other than cheating, what other wrongs have you done to deserve being hit? Not say, "yes, sir"? Didn't have his dinner warm enough or cool enough? His beer had too much foam? Those are reasons that I have seen other women get hit for. The woman with the beer, her arm was broken in four places. Did they deserve it? Why do you? Why does any possible child you attempt to bring into the world?

Cat1864 ---- He's never hit me for things like dinner not being warm enough, or too much foam with his beer. He judges me for my past. He would get angry and jealous for those I have been with before him. He's the fifth person I've been with -- him -- 20+ --- But, because he is 6 1/2 years older than me, he thinks he is justified in his actions. It's always about me - never about him. I made the mistake when we were first dating to think that making myself sound "more experienced" would make him like me more -- and instead, all it did was cause him not to respect me. I always could tell when things would get physical when the conversation would turn to my past. He's just so jealous about it..

Cat1864 ---- He's never hit me for things like dinner not being warm enough, or too much foam with his beer. He judges me for my past. He would get angry and jealous for those I have been with before him. He's the fifth person I've been with -- him -- 20+ --- But, because he is 6 1/2 years older than me, he thinks he is justified in his actions. It's always about me - never about him. I made the mistake when we were first dating to think that making myself sound "more experienced" would make him like me more -- and instead, all it did was cause him not to respect me. I always could tell when things would get physical when the conversation would turn to my past. He's just so jealous about it..

The problem is that you seem to think he is justified in even raising a hand to you. He isn't. NO MAN IS.

He has no right to punish you for your past or lack of it. He doesn't respect you. He has convinced you not to respect yourself.

You need to get counseling.

Is this for real or are you fleshing out the next script for Law & Order: SVU?

Veteran, PTSD, Pro boxer, cheating girlfriend, pregnant, hits to the belly, this ought to win an Emmy.

If you're serious about this situation, you need to be in Ohio or Kansas by Monday morning. Run far and fast or DIE, that's your choice.

I don't know if I'm pregnant... I won't know until Monday... first test was negative... I'm just late.. It said to wait three days to test again

What are you doing ImessedUp? You continue to make the same mistakes, possibly again. Sorry, I don't have any sympathy for you. Stop making excuses for an abusive man. You need to get professional help, before you are dead. Or do you think that can't happen to you?

I think he has more self control than that... Back in December he ended up getting arrested because of something he did to me. I called because I was scared -- just said that he was being mean and wanted him to leave, the cops didn't buy that -- and took him anyway. I lied in court. He didn't end up in jail or anything ---- has to take domestic abuse classes every week... I think they're helping...

He wouldn't kill me. He loves me. Before he found out that I cheated, he hadn't put a hand on me since July. I know that's not that long, but it was a step in the right direction... since the first time that he did it we never went two weeks without SOMETHING happening. That's why I feel this is my fault this time. I gave him something HUGE to be mad about, and he warned me... I feel responsible.

The person who s at the receiving end of domestic abuse starts to lose their selfesteem and begin to think it's their fault.
He HITS you-you need to leave him.
He wouldn't kill you because he loves you-if he loved you he wouldn't hit you.
And you stood up in court and lied for him? You really need to get out get counselling and reclaim your life-we re all of us here saying the same thing.
Please listen to us.

Cat1864 ---- He's never hit me for things like dinner not being warm enough, or too much foam with his beer. He judges me for my past. He would get angry and jealous for those I have been with before him. He's the fifth person I've been with -- him -- 20+ --- But, because he is 6 1/2 years older than me, he thinks he is justified in his actions. It's always about me - never about him. I made the mistake when we were first dating to think that making myself sound "more experienced" would make him like me more -- and instead, all it did was cause him not to respect me. I always could tell when things would get physical when the conversation would turn to my past. He's just so jealous about it..


I really hope that you take this in the spirit of constructive criticism: You're being brain washed. Look at your screen name, "I messed up". He's the weasel that thinks that he can prove his manliness by beating his girlfriend. A real man sits down with the woman he loves and talks to her with respect and care. He's making you think its your fault. That's weak. If he cannot handle your past, then maybe he needs to date another girl (maybe a virgin), maybe someone that beats HIM. You need to move on, this relationship is toxic. You are defending his actions because he has taught you to, he has made you think its your fault. It's not your fault, he's weak, he doesn't deserve you. He WILL become worse, it will NOT get better. Get out while you still can. Please.

I really hope that you take this in the spirit of constructive criticism: You're being brain washed. Look at your screen name, "I messed up". He's the weasel that thinks that he can prove his manliness by beating his girlfriend. A real man sits down with the woman he loves and talks to her with respect and care. He's making you think its your fault. That's weak. If he cannot handle your past, then maybe he needs to date another girl (maybe a virgin), maybe someone that beats HIM. You need to move on, this relationship is toxic. You are defending his actions because he has taught you to, he has made you think its your fault. It's not your fault, he's weak, he doesn't deserve you. He WILL become worse, it will NOT get better. Get out while you still can. Please.


Well said, I agree.

I give up. You refuse to take advice. You continue to defend him. You continue to justify his actions. You continue to make excuses for him. Countless women before you have sat there insisting that their man was going to change, that he would never kill them. You know how we all know that? They make movies, the do documentaries, the write books about those women after they'e been murdered by that same man they defended. So if you want to be stupid and refuse good advice being given to you, and bring a child into this world with this jerk. Fine. That's your choice. But I for one can sit here and listen to anymore. I just hope the next time I go on cnn there's not a story about the woman in chicago who's body they found in the dumpster with her unborn child dead inside her and her pro-boxer boyfriend being the number one suspect.

Rest in Peace

I don't know if I'm pregnant... I wont know until Monday... first test was negative.... I'm just late.. It said to wait three days to test again

If he is a boxer his hands are considered lethal weapons.
If he puts his hands on you that is attempted murder.
Did you know that ?Its true.
RUN from this no good man before he kills you!
I nearly died at the hands of my abuser who I always went back to.
He went to jail and classes and he just never stopped.
One day I was lying on the floor,after a punch and I looked in my sons terrorized eyes and I had my moment when I said ENOUGH!
Everyone here is trying to spare you that moment!

He wouldn't kill me. He loves me. Before he found out that I cheated, he hadn't put a hand on me since July. I know that's not that long, but it was a step in the right direction... since the first time that he did it we never went two weeks without SOMETHING happening. That's why I feel this is my fault this time. I gave him something HUGE to be mad about, and he warned me... I feel responsible.
Girl, if he loved you he would not hit you. All he has to do is hit you in just the right spot with the right pressure and you're dead.
Stop excusing his behavior. The man is an abuser Period!

I guess I was just looking for advice on what I need to do because I cheated. I did that. I was wrong with that. Hence the "I messed up". I know what he has done is wrong. Maybe it has yet to click just how bad the situation is, because I'd prefer to forget about it rather than stay mad and have to think about it. He really was getting better... I could tell, it was really helping... really..

I'm not ready to give up just yet. I know all these people are getting a lot of bloody walls from smacking their heads against it and don't know what else to say to you. I don't know what miraculous thing I can say that will make you feel any differently, but I can't leave here knowing I didn't try.

I'm trying to remember that you have a side in this, which is different from the rest of us looking on the outside, and I realize that your side is very important, because that's what you believe and feel at the moment.

I'm looking at statements like this:

I don't want to make things worse, and I'm not strong enough to write him off completely. I can't make this decision unless I'm ready, and at this point -- I'm too caught up in it. I too badly want to be with him still. I can't help that...
I can feel for you. I know you can't help how you feel - we simply feel what we feel and it doesn't matter what other people tell us. And it's obvious you're not ready to face this.

But you know, the fact that you posted those words tells me that something inside you knows what you need to do. But you care about him too much, are probably in love with him (or think you are), are not ready to give him up... and because you don't want to give him up, you want to believe everything you are saying.

But you aren't saying anything any different than has come out of thousands of abused women's mouths a billion times. Somehow you think he's different than the typical abuser, or that you're different than the typical abused woman.

But neither of those are true. All of your words have been said by numerous abused women who have come before you, and they believed it too. They weren't ready either.

They also all believed that they deserved it. Most, if not all, abused women believe they deserve it. They have to, or they would put a stop to it by leaving before it gets out of hand. And they always believe the guy can change. There isn't anything special or different about anything you are saying.

Yup, it was wrong to cheat on him. You deserve for him to break up with you. You deserve for him to be angry. You deserve for him to yell at you. You deserve for him to be hurt and never want to see you again. You deserve for him to find it difficult to trust you.

However, you also made a mistake because you are a human being who is not perfect. We absolutely do not deserve to be beaten for making mistakes! Even a bad mistake like cheating!

The cheating is irrelevant. Men aren't abusers because their woman is a cheater. Men are abusers because they are abusers. Just like child molesters don't molest some child because the child is standing around looking too cute and tempting. They're just child molesters cause they're sick. And abusive men are just abusive men. They don't need a reason, and you don't need to do anything to get abused. You only need to exist. As long as you exist, you will be abused.


he warned me yesterday too - that's why I feel like I somewhat deserved it

If he had warned you that he was going to murder you, do you think you deserved it just cause he warned you ahead of time? Listen to yourself.


I've let him get away with all of it for a very long time

Listen to that one too: you "let him get away with it...." That's why he continues to do it, and why he'll keep on doing it. But that little statement also says a lot. That statement "let him get away with it" is implying that you understand what he's doing isn't right.

I don't see much of it. But I'm seeing little statements from you here and there that you do actually realize that this is wrong, somewhere deep down inside you. You have to find that within yourself.


He wouldn't kill me. He loves me.

Yes, and there's some dead women out there who also believed this. It isn't about whether he loves you or not. Abusers can love people just like everyone else does. But it's a selfish love and isn't the right kind. He's still an abuser.

And it's an important note that he'll abuse any woman he's with. Do those other women he'll abuse deserve it too? If you saw it happen to them, I don't believe you'd think they deserved it. I think you'd be able to see if from the outside like we do and know it was wrong. But that is why it isn't your fault and why you don't deserve it.

Because IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. He would abuse ME too! He would abuse ANY of the women on here. Do I deserve it? Do they deserve it? NO! And you are no different from us, except for not being able to see past your feelings right now. And no, he's not getting better. He may be able to control himself for a while, but it's still there. It'll come out again. He may even control it for a couple of years, and then just when you aren't expecting it...

It's already been said a trillion times, but needs repeating. He's helped you believe that you deserve it somehow. I suspect you already had low self esteem, or you probably would never have been in this kind of relationship. So it's easy for someone else to cut you down and kick you (both literally and figuratively), and make yourself esteem drop 10 notches. And that's what he's done to you.

But you don't have to let him. The problem is that none of us can help you find yourself esteem, at least not in just this little time on a forum. That is going to take some time and work. And don't except it to be easy. Don't expect leaving him to be easy. And I do believe you that you aren't ready.

Which is why you need to contact someone to work with, so that they can help you to become ready. I suspect you're afraid to talk to someone, because you're afraid they'll lead you to leaving him. But I think the very fact that you posted says that you know all that, deep down inside you somewhere. You think you're posting about how to deal with the fact that you cheated on him. But you could have done that without mentioning that he was hitting you. I think you mentioned it on purpose.

Because something inside you knows. I hope you can find that part of yourself and bring it the surface.

I know this is terribly long, but one last note. I was having a sort of "relationship" with a person once who had not beat anyone that I'm aware, but he had this personality... let's just say I think he had the potential to become an abuser. ONE TIME he pushed me when he got ticked, which sent me flying into an office chair (this happened at work), which sent me sprawling to the floor with the chair on top of me. I didn't really get hurt except for a couple of bruises. And yeah, he scared the living daylights out of me so I just backed off and let him go cool off.

I also never spoke to him again, over that one "little" incidence. Why? Cause I already have more self esteem in my pinky than you have in your whole body. And I know that I didn't deserve him treating me like that. And he didn't even do that much... but it was a sign of where things could go and his lack of respect for me. He also had a lack of respect for himself, because that behavior was how he thought he needed to prove his manhood.

Somewhere you have to find for yourself that you are worth every inch the same amount that I already know that I am worth. Faults and all.

Morgaine 300 -- is there any way to private chat? Like AIM or something? -- or does this website offer it?

The best advice has already been given. You say you're not ready to break it off yet because he's getting better.

When will you be ready? When he punches you in the face? When he breaks your jaw? When he kicks you in the stomach and you're carrying a child? When you have to face the world with a black eye and a broken nose? When your children have to watch him hitting you whilst they are cowering in a corner?

Artlady said it very well, as have all the others:


It will happen again and it will be worse. It does not mean he loves you.
Abuse is not love.

There is a reason why everyone is saying the same thing:

Because there can be no winners in an abusive relationship.
Because it is dangerous to your emotional, spiritual and physical well-being.
Because it is degrading and demeaning.
Because in the end abusers don't change unless they get serious help.

And lastly, we are all saying the same thing because we care and because we genuinely believe you deserve better.

You can PM me if you like.

I'm not ready to give up just yet. I know all these people are getting a lot of bloody walls from smacking their heads against it and don't know what else to say to you. I don't know what miraculous thing I can say that will make you feel any differently, but I can't leave here knowing I didn't try.

I'm trying to remember that you have a side in this, which is different from the rest of us looking on the outside, and I realize that your side is very important, because that's what you believe and feel at the moment.

I'm looking at statements like this:

I can feel for you. I know you can't help how you feel - we simply feel what we feel and it doesn't matter what other people tell us. And it's obvious you're not ready to face this.

But you know, the fact that you posted those words tells me that something inside you knows what you need to do. But you care about him too much, are probably in love with him (or think you are), are not ready to give him up... and because you don't want to give him up, you want to believe everything you are saying.

But you aren't saying anything any different than has come out of thousands of abused women's mouths a billion times. Somehow you think he's different than the typical abuser, or that you're different than the typical abused woman.

But neither of those are true. All of your words have been said by numerous abused women who have come before you, and they believed it too. They weren't ready either.

They also all believed that they deserved it. Most, if not all, abused women believe they deserve it. They have to, or they would put a stop to it by leaving before it gets out of hand. And they always believe the guy can change. There isn't anything special or different about anything you are saying.

Yup, it was wrong to cheat on him. You deserve for him to break up with you. You deserve for him to be angry. You deserve for him to yell at you. You deserve for him to be hurt and never want to see you again. You deserve for him to find it difficult to trust you.

However, you also made a mistake because you are a human being who is not perfect. We absolutely do not deserve to be beaten for making mistakes! Even a bad mistake like cheating!

The cheating is irrelevant. Men aren't abusers because their woman is a cheater. Men are abusers because they are abusers. Just like child molesters don't molest some child because the child is standing around looking too cute and tempting. They're just child molesters cause they're sick. And abusive men are just abusive men. They don't need a reason, and you don't need to do anything to get abused. You only need to exist. As long as you exist, you will be abused.



If he had warned you that he was going to murder you, do you think you deserved it just cause he warned you ahead of time? Listen to yourself.



Listen to that one too: you "let him get away with it...." That's why he continues to do it, and why he'll keep on doing it. But that little statement also says a lot. That statement "let him get away with it" is implying that you understand what he's doing isn't right.

I don't see much of it. But I'm seeing little statements from you here and there that you do actually realize that this is wrong, somewhere deep down inside you. You have to find that within yourself.



Yes, and there's some dead women out there who also believed this. It isn't about whether he loves you or not. Abusers can love people just like everyone else does. But it's a selfish love and isn't the right kind. He's still an abuser.

And it's an important note that he'll abuse any woman he's with. Do those other women he'll abuse deserve it too? If you saw it happen to them, I don't believe you'd think they deserved it. I think you'd be able to see if from the outside like we do and know it was wrong. But that is why it isn't your fault and why you don't deserve it.

Because IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. He would abuse ME too! He would abuse ANY of the women on here. Do I deserve it? Do they deserve it? NO!! And you are no different from us, except for not being able to see past your feelings right now. And no, he's not getting better. He may be able to control himself for a while, but it's still there. It'll come out again. He may even control it for a couple of years, and then just when you aren't expecting it...

It's already been said a trillion times, but needs repeating. He's helped you believe that you deserve it somehow. I suspect you already had low self esteem, or you probably would never have been in this kind of relationship. So it's easy for someone else to cut you down and kick you (both literally and figuratively), and make your self esteem drop 10 notches. And that's what he's done to you.

But you don't have to let him. The problem is that none of us can help you find your self esteem, at least not in just this little time on a forum. That is going to take some time and work. And don't except it to be easy. Don't expect leaving him to be easy. And I do believe you that you aren't ready.

Which is why you need to contact someone to work with, so that they can help you to become ready. I suspect you're afraid to talk to someone, because you're afraid they'll lead you to leaving him. But I think the very fact that you posted says that you know all that, deep down inside you somewhere. You think you're posting about how to deal with the fact that you cheated on him. But you could have done that without mentioning that he was hitting you. I think you mentioned it on purpose.

Because something inside you knows. I hope you can find that part of yourself and bring it the surface.

I know this is terribly long, but one last note. I was having a sort of "relationship" with a person once who had not beat anyone that I'm aware, but he had this personality... let's just say I think he had the potential to become an abuser. ONE TIME he pushed me when he got ticked, which sent me flying into an office chair (this happened at work), which sent me sprawling to the floor with the chair on top of me. I didn't really get hurt except for a couple of bruises. And yeah, he scared the living daylights out of me so I just backed off and let him go cool off.

I also never spoke to him again, over that one "little" incidence. Why? Cause I already have more self esteem in my pinky than you have in your whole body. And I know that I didn't deserve him treating me like that. And he didn't even do that much... but it was a sign of where things could go and his lack of respect for me. He also had a lack of respect for himself, because that behavior was how he thought he needed to prove his manhood.

Somewhere you have to find for yourself that you are worth every inch the same amount that I already know that I am worth. Faults and all.

You said it all here.I tolerated this for thirteen years on and off. I am smart I have self esteem but I could not let go because he had a hold on me.
He broke my arm ,my jaw ,my leg ,gave me a concussion,tore the ligaments in my knee,broke my ribs,raped me.Those were just the times that were documented ,There were so many times I just suffered and never even went to a hospital.

Why? That took therapy.

Messed up childhood? Yeah,but I came from a home where I was rich and privileged.Still messed up.No parents around.Too busy with big shots like the Kennedy's and the Humphreys.

We all have our crosses to bear and I beg this girl to hear you.

You have to understand that it is not easy for an woman to leave her abuser.

I loved him and when he was not an abuser ,he was great.I needed to feel loved.(huh)
I believed that I could really change him with my love .(huh)

Eventually he degraded me so much I forgot who I was and didn't care anymore.

Hes dead ,he died a lonely drunk,at a young age. I pray his soul to peace every night..

I have been in a 12 yr.relationship and life can go on and there is real love.And happiness.

I am blessed! I know she can be too.

You have to understand that it is not easy for an woman to leave her abuser.


Oh trust me, I do understand that. I've never been abused myself, but I fully understand the concept of loving someone and how difficult it can be to get past the love and the need to be with someone (and the feeling that you deserve the abuse), and try to move your life somewhere else That's why I so understand the concept of "not being ready." I know that one a little too well.

But my mom also had a good friend who worked for a batter women's shelter. I'm not much into having sympathy for those who have gotten themselves into their own ruts, but this was something I had a lot of sympathy for. Partially because of the amount of emotion it involved, partially because there's usually low self esteem involved (as opposed to laziness or stupidity or whatever)... and I also really felt for those who finally found the courage to pick up their kids and get the heck out. I knew it took courage and those were scared and lonely women. Unfortunately some would go back still, but I had to really admire the ones who had the guts to get out. (That goes for you too! :))

My mom used to donate to them, you know, old clothes and that type of thing. And we heard lots of stories. The friend who volunteered there eventually even had to get out herself cause it just got to her emotionally so much she couldn't be there anymore.

And actually, even doing private tutoring like I do, I see a lot of low self esteem in that. I also had it myself once upon a time. It didn't get me abused, but I did think I was very stupid and couldn't do anything. So I guess I have a special empathy for people who seem to think they're worthless.

Deleted for chat/texr not content, Edit please.

Imessedup, I haven't given up either. Morgaine has expressed so well my feelings about your posts. I sincerely hope you listen to artlady and her experience.

If you take nothing else from this site, let it be that there are people who value you as a person and will do what they can to give you the mental and emotional support that you need. Your life and well-being are worth so much more than I think you believe at this time.

What scares me is that he has you thinking that you deserve to be punished to the point where you are doing things to get that response. You didn't deserve it before you cheated and you don't now. As I said before, using his fists to punish yourself for anything that you feel you should be punished for is not an acceptable way to exist.

No one takes your situation lightly. No one thinks that it will be easy for you to change what you have come to know as your world. However, I think it is clear that we want to see you in a better mind-set and safer physical location before something irreversible happens.

How old are both of you... neither of you seem to have the maturity to be living on your own yet... him because of his stupid, illegal and unjustifiable inability to control his anger... and you for insisting to staying in a situation most people would walk away from.

If you won't wake up and show the maturity to get far away from this guy... AND get a restraining order filed against him... then at least set up a trust fund for the kid, and get a life insurance policy with the benificiary being that trust fund... Because this guy will kill you some day and that kids going to need that money.

Your boyfriend's anger is justifiable. But his abuse isn't. If he were a real man, he'd simply click his heels and walk away from you without the abuse and the drama. As it is, this isn't a healthy situation all around. I think you and your boyfriend are doomed. If he won't break it off, then you need to ; from a distance if you're afraid of his reaction and that it might turn physical.

fabulosity, she's not "crazy." People are human and they don't always do what is best for them, because emotions are involved and in this case brainwashing and all sorts of stuff. It's like asking a smoker to "just stop" when there's an addiction involved. I suspect this goes back to childhood to get that kind of low self-worth, and it can't be fixed overnight just cause you say so. I doubt being called crazy is helping her any.

And smoothy, I don't think there's anything to do with maturity going on here. I do believe they aren't all that old, but even older adults go through this -- it's because they have issues going on, not necessarily because they're immature. The guy needs help too - serious help, not just "growing up." Even immature guys don't go around hitting girls.

Your boyfriend's anger is justifiable.

A bit of clarification: His anger over the "cheating" is justifiable. His anger over your past (or lack of it) is not. Never has been. Never will be. The abuse... well, we've covered that.

What did the latest pregnancy test say?

And smoothy, I don't think there's anything to do with maturity going on here. I do believe they aren't all that old, but even older adults go through this -- it's because they have issues going on, not necessarily because they're immature. The guy needs help too - serious help, not just "growing up." Even immature guys don't go around hitting girls.

I do think maturity does have a lot to do with this... older people can be very immature too. Its just that younger people are more prone to this sort of stupidity if for no better reason than lack of life experience.

She is an adult... she is responsible for her own life. A Mature person will get far away from a situation that threatens their physical well being or life. And if she still decides to stay with an abuser... then she shares in the responsibility if he kills the yet unborn child during a beating.

She may not care about her own well being... which is clear by her sticking around... but as a future mom she should care a lot more about her child.

There are plenty of over 40 and 50 couples dealing with spousal abuse. This not a maturity problem it is an emotional and criminal problem.
This particular couple may be young but there are older men who are beating their wives and those older women are really feeling hopeless because a lot of them may have grown up in an era when men "had the right" to do this.

There are plenty of over 40 and 50 couples dealing with spousal abuse. This not a maturity problem it is an emotional and criminal problem.
This particular couple may be young but there are older men who are beating their wives and those older women are really feeling hopeless because a lot of them may have grown up in an era when men "had the right" to do this.


I think everyone - not just picking on you - is confusing age and maturity. These are two very different things.

I've seen very immature 50 year olds and very mature 18 year olds.

I think everyone - not just picking on you - is confusing age and maturity. These are two very different things.


I'm not confusing them. By saying that older men are abusers, I'm not meaning that I assume they are mature -- I know better. I only said that cause I was arguing against the idea that this issue exists because they're young and immature. I'm saying that I don't think this type of issue is a maturity issue. It's like saying someone's an alcoholic because they're too immature to deal with it.

I'm not confusing them. By saying that older men are abusers, I'm not meaning that I assume they are mature -- I know better. I only said that cause I was arguing against the idea that this issue exists because they're young and immature. I'm saying that I don't think this type of issue is a maturity issue. It's like saying someone's an alcoholic because they're too immature to deal with it.


You believe abusers are addicted or have an illness, both of which can be the situation with alcoholics - ?

I'm not confusing them. By saying that older men are abusers, I'm not meaning that I assume they are mature -- I know better. I only said that cause I was arguing against the idea that this issue exists because they're young and immature. I'm saying that I don't think this type of issue is a maturity issue. It's like saying someone's an alcoholic because they're too immature to deal with it.

Being immature has nothing to do with actual physical age in this case... it has everything to do with emotional development... and neither the poster nor her boyfriend were displaying maturity. He by his actions, and her for putting up with them.

And Young people ARE more likely to think they have to put up with abuse than older people are. That's just how life experience works. Less experienced people might tend to think this is a normal part of a relationship when it isn't.

You believe abusers are addicted or have an illness, both of which can be the situation with alcoholics - ?

Why does everyone take my analogies so darn literally all the time? I was merely making the analogy that having an uncontrollable problem is not necessarily related to one's maturity level.

But if you want to put it that way, then yeah, in a way an abuser does have an illness. And since so far everyone has done nothing but misintepret everything I've said since this maturity issue came up, I'll say up front NOT to misintepret that to mean that it's therefore not his fault. People have this funny habit of deciding that calling something an "illness" means it's excusable somehow, and I sure as heck don't mean that at all.

I'm not quite sure why everyone's having such an issue that I don't think this is necessarily related (on either party's side) to being immature.

Why does everyone take my analogies so darn literally all the time?? I was merely making the analogy that having an uncontrollable problem is not necessarily related to one's maturity level.

But if you want to put it that way, then yeah, in a way an abuser does have an illness. And since so far everyone has done nothing but misintepret everything I've said since this maturity issue came up, I'll say up front NOT to misintepret that to mean that it's therefore not his fault. People have this funny habit of deciding that calling something an "illness" means it's excusable somehow, and I sure as heck don't mean that at all.

I'm not quite sure why everyone's having such an issue that I don't think this is necessarily related (on either party's side) to being immature.
Ummm how can whooping up on a woman be misinterpreted... or her choosing to stay with a guy who is whooping up on her. Particularly when they are young and somehow think its something ANYONE has to put up with in a relationship when its not.

Mature people know better... and as I have said repeatedly, maturity doesn't necessarily increase with chronological age.

And the reasons a 20's something girl would have for putting up with abuse aren't going to be the same as a 60 year old woman who never worked a day in her life might have.

Periodic arguements are part of relationships....periodic beatings aren't.


People with maturity talk about their issues with each other... they don't beat the other into submission... nor do they submit to that either.

Small Children try to force their will onto others.