My husband and I have been together for nearly 9 years and are very much in love with each other. In fact I think we'd been in the running for a couple of the year award. We have fun together, laugh together, have date nights every week, we communicate well, we work hard and we both adore being parents... but we have a dark little secret.

As all new relationships our sex life was fantastic. But soon after we met, I found out I was pregnant. He suddenly had no interest in me sexually. He likened the idea of having sex with a pregnant woman to having sex with a woman while she holds onto her baby. I did understand that. So he filled the void with an over abundance of porn. Although it upset me and it felt like he was cheating on me, I let it slide in the hope all with come right after the baby was born... but it didn't.
He wasn't even able to think about sleeping with me until 3mths after the baby was born and even then it was very unsexual and as quick as possible. His porn watching carried on year after year and having sex with me was like a job to him. To this day he has still never seen me naked, insisting that I remain fully clothed but with a skirt for easy access.
We have been to family counselors, hypnotherapists and psychologists but he was never able to kick the porn. Until recently. I left him for 3 months and it was the wake up call he needed. He has now been porn free for 7 months. Although his desire for me hasn't changed.

I have spent $1000s on kinky outfits to role play the porn scenes, but he has no interest in seeing me in them. One night I appeared in my french maid outfit and he laughed and told me I was CUTE and carried on watching TV. Not the response I was after. I have tried watching porn with him, but he says it's a personal thing and on the odd occasion when he has let me, he has just ignored me and watched the movie. I know he isn't looking at anything dodgy because I have spy software on our computer. He just looks at skinny, blonde teens with perky boobs.
I thought if the porn was out of our life, he'd stop comparing me to those picture perfect girls, but not so.
The other week a few home truths came out about why he doesn't find me sexually appealing.

- he is afraid that if he sees me naked it will put him off having sex with me all together.
- Although I am not fat, Im not toned either and he says he finds fat repulsive.
- He doesn't like my saggy ex breast feeding boobs
- he doesn't like the size and color of my nipples
- he hates that my shoulders are broader than his
Etc etc etc

All very superficial stuff. I love and there fore find all his flaws attractive. I have tried to get him to focus on my physical positives and over look the negatives, but he told me that after trying to do that for many years, he can't look past them.
He knows how shallow he's being and feels horrible about it. He does love me and feels so guilty that he's hurting me this way. He just doesn't know how to over come this block. In the mean time, myself esteem around him has taken a real blow and I don't feel like much of a woman anymore.

Please help. We want this to work. We need some practical advice on how he can overcome his mind block and is there anything I can do to help?

I know he isnt looking at anything dodgy because I have spy software on our computer. He just looks at skinny, blonde teens with perky boobs.
I thought if the porn was out of our life, he'd stop comparing me to those picture perfect girls, but not so.

This is going to be blunt.

He is still looking at porn. Just not what mainstream society thinks of as porn. I hope the teens are at least over 18 years of age.

Here are the 'real' home truths: He doesn't care about your feelings or needs. He is using you as a maid and nanny and occasional sex-aid.

I, quite frankly, do not see him ever changing his opinions and desires. They are too ingrained. He has shown that he will not stop. He just changes what he uses.

You can try going back to counseling and I do suggest that for you and your self-esteem, but I don't see it working any better this time than it did in the past.

I would suggest leaving him to his computer and fantasies and finding someone who cares about you as a whole person and wants YOU not some pictures of blond jail-bait.

Got to spread the love, but that was a great post, Cat!

He has to want to overcome the blocks he has set up. He is addicted to a certain image of sexy. He likely doesn't consider himself an addict, but he is.

Your description of his reaction to your french maid outfit really hit home with me. I was married to a guy like that. Don't let it affect your self-esteem. He is the one with a problem.

Do you want to keep trying? He will not want to change. He doesn't think it's a problem. Until he stares reality right in the face and admits that he is hurting himself with his own blockages, all the counseling in the world is useless.

Just my opinion.

Yep, never should have gone back unless he is able to deal with you in a real life sexual relationship..

Thank you every one for your advice. You have no idea how good it is to get other peoples perspective on this.
Cat1864 You bought up some great points. Frightening but true. I am constantly at war in my own head. I can't deal with these issues anymore but its only 1 thing and Id loose an otherwise perfect partner. But it is a big thing... dont you think? But as you said, he'll never change, so am I prepared to put up with this foe the rest of my life? I'd be an empty shell.
Your definitely right about me seeking counseling!

Simoneaugie: You are right, he was an addict and he did eventually admit to it. I do want to keep trying, but Im afraid that it will only screw me up more. In saying that, he did quit the porn which I thought he'd never be able to do.
Its comforting to hear that you too were married to man like this. Its not just me after all.

Fr_Chuck: You are right. I really believed that once the porn was gone every thing else would fall into place... I was wrong. We also have 2 young children, so I need to be cautous about any decision I do make because I can't yoyo them in and out of this relationship.

All of your advice was fantastic, and thank you for being honest. I think I need to get real and do some serious thinking.

If you think of any other advice, please continue to post.

From what you describe the issue is all his. I mean, while you might lose breat tone after breat feeding, once you are done and weaned the kid.. your nipples with be the same as they were as well as color. That's a cop out excuse for him... if he liked them before he will like them now.

I don't think porn is his problem, but something to do with the you being a mommy thing. He needs counseling... and you may have to find a different counselor if the first one doesn't work. You NEED a professional to get him past his mental block.

I love sexy outfits, and a woman who tries. I have dated several women over the years with kids... 2 that were still breast feeding. But then, I have the maturity to separate the woman from the mommy in my mind.

And while he may like slim perky young women... (heck, what guy doesn't) it shouldn't effect his rel;ationship with you. Heck... I've mentioned it time after time on this board. I love a big set of hooters... I like small ones too and everything in between. (Floor pointers are another thing however)

Wife knows it and points out the well endowed women to me even before I see them. (she is a 32A)

I don't focus on the minor flaws... like you said.. we all have them. As long as the attempt is made to stay in shape... you don't HAVE to win the Beauty pagent to get me into bed.

It sounds as if you have done everything in your power to shift whatever it is between you. It's been 9 years and you've had family counselors, hypnotherapists and psychologists work with you both.

Ultimately, your husband may have kicked the porn but you still don't for it for him, for whatever reason. Perhaps no 'real' breathing woman would.

In the end you have to make a choice. You say that your marriage is great and that you love each other, that you talk and laugh together, that you have 2 children that you both care deeply about.

Is that enough? Can you acknowledge that the sexual relationship will never be what you want it to be, and accept that he doesn't find you attractive? Can you live with a relationship that is not sexual - for either of you?

You may need to be realistic - your husband might never get rid of his 'block' - it has after all been 9 years and nearly every type of counselor has worked on him.

The real question is, I think, not how you can change him, but whether you can accept that this is the way it is, and that he may never change.

Hello lilmisswifey

My take on this is as follows:

It takes a very kind, caring and understanding woman to tolerate the behavior you describe. I commend you totally on being as patient as you have been, and to having enough of an open mind to return to your husband after all that has happed. It is clear that you love him.

The fact does remain however that his hurtful behavior continues to manifest itself.

Personally, I think that you have given him far more of a chance than you need to. You are a mother and nothing is going to change that fact. A relationship only works if both partners care about each other in every aspect of it.

I can understand why you are fighting to give it a chance, but really its time to move on. As hurtful as his attitude and beliefs have been so far, they will only get worse as time goes on. Think realistically for a moment, if this continues what can you expect your child to learn from all this?

Children learn social roles and mores through their parents. If your child is a boy it will grow up to learn that its OK to see women as shallowly as his father. Would you want your future daughter in law to be treated like you are now? If your child is a girl she will learn to tolerate emotional abuse as part of the norm.

Ultimately, that's what's happening. You are being emotionally abused. Yourself esteem is dropping by leaps and bounds as time goes on. As regretful and apologetic as your husband may be, it doesn't change the fact that he is basically all right with treating you badly. Not only badly but as silly as it is to write, he is treating you like an object. Aren't those times supposed to be over?

Reading your post it seems like aside from the sexual aspect, you enjoy your relationship. You sound like best friends, so why not make that official? Take a healthy step in a positive direction, talk to him about divorce and stay friends and find yourself a man who will love all of you.

No matter what happens in your life, your husband should be the last person in the world to see you for the sum of your parts. You are worth more than that hun.

This is exactly why I HATE porn. And because it completely devalues the intimacy and intended nature of sex. It's supposed to be between two people that are wholly committed to each other, and love each other very much, not to entertain others and pleasure thrills.

He's stuck in his fantasy hon, You need to make sure that you are more important to yourself than his superficial outlook.
If he can't excepty you, then it's probably better for your own well being if you moved on. Although it's much easier said than done.