Hello my friends at AMHD,

Well, it looks like my insecurities are in full force once again. My boyfriend had to leave this morning on a business trip and I am a little nervous. I'll explain. He is going with a bunch of people from his office, mostly men, and my boyfriend is a bit of a flirt. He also reassures me when my insecurities surface that he is not the cheating kind, but he flirts, which he assures me is harmless. I do trust him, it is just my insecurities play a big part in my fears. I know after they do their work for the day they will be going out to eat somewhere, and I know that all the guys talk 'guy talk' (for instance 'would you do her' when a pretty girl is in the vacinity) etc. But none of these guys I don't think would act on it. My boyfriend goes with me to therapy most of the time when he can, to really be supportive of my trying to get over my low self esteem and insecurties. I am also nervous because when he drinks he gets even more flirtatious and acts like a bit of an a$$ with me. Granted, he is away and he may drink, but I am really nervous and I don't want to give him SH&^ especially while he is away, and when he gets home. How do I be that loving girlfriend that he would be happy to come home to? And, when guys flirt, does that mean that they will cheat or stray?

Thanks guys,
Starlite

Hey Star, nope if guys flirt it doesn't mean we are going to stray. I'll admit, at times I could be taken as a flirt, my fiancé tells me it ALL the time. She said I was a huge flirt when her and I first started talking. I don't see it, I just see it at me being friendly and trying to get to know people. Most people don't realize they are flirting, unless it's obvious(touching body and such) but I've never done that when I was unavailable. Your guy sounds trustworthy, so give him the benefit of the doubt

My therapist told me two things about cheating and love. First one, love is like sand, if you hold it loosely it stays in your hand, if you squeeze it too tight it slips right through your fingertips. The second one, if someone wants to cheat, they are going to. No rules, boundaries or chains are going to hold them. The best thing we can do, is to trust them not to cheat as they trust us not to cheat.

Hi Rome,

Thank you so much. I am here at work, literally on the verge of tears. I am thinking what if a pretty girl that he is attracted to flirts with him, especially if he has a couple of drinks? And also, I haven't been the model girlfriend lately. We have been fighting because of me contantly asking for reassurence of his love and faithfullness. I hope I didn't cause him to want to be with someone else, long term or a one night stand.

Most guys do NOT flirt as a means to an end. I do it, first and foremost, to just have fun and get to know people. I would NEVER cheat on a girl I was with, no matter what the situation. Your guy is most likely the same way. MOST guys simply do not cheat, it is just a numbers game on this website, as it appears to be that way.

Just know you are good enough to have him as your boyfriend and that he obviously loves you the way you are. Enjoy, don't over think or over analyze! You will be fine!

I doubt it, and about the drinks. Trust me, there are people that can actually control themselves after they have had a few. I had more than a few at a wedding for my friend last year(part of the wedding party so you know the deal) and I was dating my fiancé at the time but she was unable to accompany me. I had a few girls come up to me wanting me to spend the night in their hotel room. I knew what I had waiting for me is more than enough for me. I was in love, wanted only her and I just continued to have fun at the wedding dancing and having a good time. After I was done, I went home and she ended up coming over later that night.

BTW, more than a few for me meant 22 beers and 5 shots. People can be trusted with alcohol, believe me.

Thank you KC, so much. How do I stop obsessing about this? Also, he is so gorgeous to me, and I don't want to ever lose him to someone else. My low self esteem has me thinking that he is too gorgeous and I'm not in his league.

Thanks Rome, and that is so cool that you didn't give those girls a second thought. You are awesome! :-)

My way of thinking has always been, what I have at home is always better than some pretty face. I would never want to hurt someone the way I've been hurt. Personally, give your man the benefit of the doubt. When he comes home, give him a big hug and kiss.

When you have these thoughts, write them down on a piece of paper. Wait an hour and then look at it again. I know when I do that, I think to myself, what the hell was I so angry/worried about

Starlite I think you need to relax. Take a deep breathe.

I think this business trip of his is a good thing. If you trust him and trust that he isn't going cheat than why even think it? You should know that your pretty too and if he didn't want to be with you, don't you think he would be man enough to admit it?

Stop shredding tears and getting yourself worked up for nothing. Get your girls together and have fun and stop thinking the worst.

I am sorry to say this but insecurites is the fastest way to kill a relationship. Use some of the tools your therapist thought you and know everything is going to be all right.

Thanks Rome, and my therapist also suggested I do that as well. When he calls also, I will not even mention anything of my insecureties either.

Relax Star, do you need some retail therapy or something?

See this as some time for yourself, to be good to yourself. Keep your attitude positive and don't think about what he is doing, but what can you do for yourself.

Don't sit, and think, focus on actions, not feelings.

Thank you Liz, you are right. And that is what I don't want to ever do (kill the relationship). I want to be the strong woman who he would be proud of, and not have these stupid thoughts.

Thank you Tal, you are right. And as a side note, retail therapy may help too! ;-)

All the worry in the world isn't going to change the outcome of anything.

If a man is going to stray,your wishing it so won't do a bit of good.

This may sounds strange but there is a part of a prayer that I pray so often because it gets me through some very difficult times. I am not trying to preach ,I simply think its good advice.

God (or whoever) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Also, after we kissed each other good bye this morning, as soon as I got into my car I called him and left him a message that I miss him already and to have a safe trip. Well, he wasn't able to answer when I called, so he called back (not listening to my message before doing so) and he was angry and asked what I wanted. I just told him that I left him a message to have a nice trip and I miss him already. He said that I just left 5 minutes ago, and he thought that I got in an accident or something. He wasn't expecting to hear from me so fast I guess. Anyway he said in an angry voice "don't call me until I call you first" because he was going to drive and head up with his co-workers. He was angry though.

Thank you Artlady. That is a beautiful prayer. I will use it, thank you.

Since he already knows about your insecurities he probably thought you was calling to give him some sort of guilt trip.

What your tone with him once you know he was going to be taking this trip?

My tone was okay, but a little nervous, I will admit.
Do you think that is why this morning he told me not to call him until I heard from him first?

YEP!! We all have limits.

Yep, maybe he didn't feel like being angry on his trip or feeling guilty. So he will call when he calms down

You don't think I pushed him away, do you?

Nope, I don't think you pushed him away. Just give him space for now to calm down. It will show a lot to him

Thanks Rome, I will do that. I don't want him to think that I am untrusting or needy. I love him too much to put him through that. I know for the past several months I have been, and I have to force myself not to do this.

Yep, I am doing it now. It would be VERY easy for me to fall into old habits and be upset that my fiancé is at work and unable to text me. I could be thinking she's cheating, she's flirting or talking to other guys. But I'd rather focus on that now that she has a job, we can save up and buy a house together, start wedding planning and paying off bills together. Your mind will think about what you put into it, so put positive things into it and you will feel better

Thanks Rome, I appreciate it. You are correct.

Not a problem, I am in the same boat as you are so I know the struggles you go through everyday.

It is so hard to think rationally at times. I am actually going to my psychiatrist this week to have them adjust my meds. Hopefully that will help me focus more on reality instead of negativity and dark thoughts.

Hi Everybody,

Starlite here again. I really could use your feedback on this. As you all know by now, I have insecurity/self esteem issues and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which I am taking medication for and going to therapy to get better. My boyfriend is so supportive and so loving and when I have my episodes of crying, (asking for constant reassurance from him; asking if wants to still eventually wants to marry me, ask him is he sure he isn't going to leave, asking him if he is sure that he will never cheat, etc) he sticks right by me even through his frustration. Usually after an episode and I calm down I want to make love to him. He won't because he feels that I am in a vulnerable state and he feels that he would be taking advantage of the situation (which when I think about it, he is being a complete gentleman and altruistic to say the least).

But, last night, I had an episode, but I didn't look to have sex. He did, and so we did. But afterward I started thinking (again, maybe it was my dark thought pattern coming back) why did HE pursue sex when I just had an episode? Is it because he doesn't care anymore? Or he is over me/us? I asked him gingerly after we had sex(because I didn't want to give him any more q & a grief because of earlier) if he still cares and he said, of course I do, if I didn't I wouldn't be here! (we live together). I guess what I am asking all of you is he having a change of heart? About us? About the relationship? Why did he come to me for sex after an episode, when he feels really uncomfortable and disrespectful if I come to him after an episode?

Yu should really ask him about it, he knows the answers to your questions.

Just a thought, but maybe he wasn't able to resist his urge cause you looked too pretty to him at that moment.

Just confront him about it but do it in a calm way. I would give him the benefit of the dobut, but still point it out to him. Don't outright accuse him, cause that could lead to an argument. Start of slowly: "I really respect how you are able to resist sex when I'm in a vulnerable state, etc." Tell him what you told us, that he's been a really great boyfriend, but then bring up the last time you had sex in a "calm" way.

Do not build this into something that its not. Your tranfering your own doubts to him, that's not fair. You both enjoyed it didn't you? He has tried to reasure you, so don't let the dark thoughts cause you some impulsive actions, that will surely get in the way of two people enjoying themselves. Are you on meds?

I'm going to agree with Tal, I don't think it's anything to be worried about. You don't know you're doing it, but I do the same thing, you always look for the cons because you don't feel as though you are worthy enough of someone of his caliber of love. That's not true, you are worth loving and deserve the best

Thank you guys,

Tal - yes I am on meds, in fact the psychiatrist had to switch me to something different last week.

So you guys don't think he was being insensitive last night or uncaring?

Thank you guys,

Tal - yes I am on meds, in fact the psychiatrist had to switch me to something different last week.

So you guys don't think he was being insensitive last night or uncaring?

Well, I was trying to water down the situation, because I thought that the guy would be understanding enough.

But in reality, it could really break his heart when you tell him this stuff.

Hi I wish,

So you don't think I should even mention it? You are all right, it will open up a can of worms.

You don't think he is becoming uncaring or over us because he wanted sex last night do you?

Hey starlite 1,this is just a thought,but maybe he was trying in his own way to feel close to you,maybe he could'nt find the words to say how he feels and to comfort you?

Hi Redhed,

That is definitely, but not to sound weird, it wasn't slow, romantic sex, and it didn't come about that way... as great as it was, there was no 'romance or comfort' behind it.

He was probably horny and it was a coincidence that you had an episode the same night.

Don't think too hard.

Bugger.. perhaps he just wanted to forget for a while,get lost in the sex,get some release from the tension?

Hi I wish,

So you don't think I should even mention it? You are all right, it will open up a can of worms.

You don't think he is becoming uncaring or over us because he wanted sex last night do you?

All anyone here can do is speculate what his reason was.Maybe he thought that was what you wanted,since you have asked for that previously.

Maybe he needed that demonstration of love to feel better.

Maybe he was just in the mood after all the emotion of the moment and needed something to relax and comfort him and you.

You are over thinking this and the only way to know is to ask.I don't think it will open a can of worms to simply ask a question,particularity if it is bothering you.

He sounds very supportive and I am confidant he would not want you worrying over this.

Hi Guys,

Thanks again. I think that perhaps he did want to lose himself for a little while because of the tension like Redhed said. I can't say I would blame him. Also what slapshot mentioned too. Perhaps he was aroused, and wanted to have a mental release.

I don't know if I should ask him, or let it go. I don't want to have him feel that I constantly badger him about anything and everything.

Hi Guys,

Thanks again. I think that perhaps he did want to lose himself for a little while because of the tension like Redhed said. I can't say I would blame him. Also what slapshot mentioned too. Perhaps he was aroused, and wanted to have a mental release.

I don't know if I should ask him, or let it go. I don't want to have him feel that I constantly badger him about anything and everything.

A simple question is not badgering.You use *I* messages and that way there is no accusation,it is your feelings,which are valid.Perhaps unwarranted in this case but still worthy of validation.

It need not be a big discussion,just a simple question.

Communication is vital because the lack of it makes for all types of imaginary thoughts and worries.Mostly negative.

All anyone here can do is speculate what his reason was.Maybe he thought that was what you wanted,since you have asked for that previously.

Maybe he needed that demonstration of love to feel better.

Maybe he was just in the mood after all the emotion of the moment and needed something to relax and comfort him and you.

You are over thinking this and the only way to know is to ask.I don't think it will open a can of worms to simply ask a question,particularity if it is bothering you.

He sounds very supportive and I am confidant he would not want you worrying over this.

Have to spread rep.

Like artlady said, I'm just speculating. I would give him the benefit of the doubt this time. If it happens again, then you should definitely bring it up.

I know what you mean, artlady. I should be able to ask him when something is on my mind. And you are right, I am a big advocat of communication. My problem right now is because my episodes have been more frequent, I don't want him to feel that I am 'beating him up' and frustrating him more with asking a question. I know it is communication, but because of how I have been lately, I don't want to upset him, yet I would like to know his reasoning behind last night; whether he is becoming uncaring and just not giving a sh&^

I know what you mean, artlady. I should be able to ask him when something is on my mind. And you are right, I am a big advocat of communication. My problem right now is because my episodes have been more frequent, I don't want him to feel that I am 'beating him up' and frustrating him more with asking a question. I know it is communication, but because of how I have been lately, I don't want to upset him, yet I would like to know his reasoning behind last night; whether or not he is becoming uncaring and just not giving a sh&^

Is there any treatment. I feel really bad for you. There's got to be something you can do to help.

I know it can be tough, but you got to confront him when you are feeling calm to avoid blowing up a small problem.

I know what you mean, artlady. I should be able to ask him when something is on my mind. And you are right, I am a big advocat of communication. My problem right now is because my episodes have been more frequent, I don't want him to feel that I am 'beating him up' and frustrating him more with asking a question. I know it is communication, but because of how I have been lately, I don't want to upset him, yet I would like to know his reasoning behind last night; whether or not he is becoming uncaring and just not giving a sh&^

If you hold it inside,your imagination will take it to a bad place.Something that could very easily be settled with a quick conversation will grow and grow ,until eventually when you do bring it up because it is bugging you so much,it will have turned into an issue.
And may provoke another episode.
Simple question* I was wondering why you decided to make love last night when before you always said no after one of my episodes*.
It's that simple.

Hi I wish,

Thank you so much for your concern. You are a sweetie. I am in therapy and on meds so hopefully I will get through all of this and not lose him in the meantime. I have been like this all my life, but just recently I finally found out that it is BPD and there is treatment for it, Thank God.

Thank you, Artlady. I liked the way you worded the question for me too. It sounds softer that way. I was thinking of texting him, because if I call him, I will most likely break down and cry on him, and I don't want to do that while we are both at work, and I want to have a peaceful night with him so I don't want to do it when we are both home.

Hi I wish,

Thank you so much for your concern. You are a sweetie. I am in therapy and on meds so hopefully I will get through all of this and not lose him in the meantime. I have been like this all my life, but just recently I finally found out that it is BPD and there is treatment for it, Thank God.

Thank you, Artlady. I liked the way you worded the question for me too. It sounds softer that way. I was thinking of texting him, because if I call him, I will most likely break down and cry on him, and I don't want to do that while we are both at work, and I want to have a peaceful night with him so I don't want to do it when we are both home.

If this has you on the verge of tears,you must bring it up,once you do you will have your answer and you can put this episode behind you.
He sounds like a very nice guy and supportive as well.I am sure he will understand your confusion.
I am confidant the outcome will be something very simple,*I made love to you because I love you*.

Hi I wish,

Thank you so much for your concern. You are a sweetie. I am in therapy and on meds so hopefully I will get through all of this and not lose him in the meantime. I have been like this all my life, but just recently I finally found out that it is BPD and there is treatment for it, Thank God.

Thank you, Artlady. I liked the way you worded the question for me too. It sounds softer that way. I was thinking of texting him, because if I call him, I will most likely break down and cry on him, and I don't want to do that while we are both at work, and I want to have a peaceful night with him so I don't want to do it when we are both home.

Have to spread rep. Excellent wording Artlady.

I'm really glad to hear that there is treatment. Definitely spend time to take care of yourself first. You don't need to put extra pressure on yourself or on your boyfriend.

I just thought of another idea, but it's up to you if you want to use this idea. Since he seems like a very understanding guy, the next time you are uncomfortable having sex at that moment, then just tell, he would back away.

As a guy, I wouldn't want to keep rehashing your anxieties, so give him fair warning, so the poor dude will act accordingly, and not freak out.

You know us guys don't get that deep after sex, we just want to nap, and smoke a cigarette.

"Geez, I said I love you, what more do you want? Now be quiet, and let me enjoy the glow of SATISFACTION, AND RELEASE!"

Actually, maybe I shouldn't even bring it up at all to him. Because, if I do then I will feel guilty about bringing it up, and he may feel put off in the future of having sex with me.

Actually, maybe I shouldn't even bring it up at all to him. Because, if I do then I will feel guilty about bringing it up, and he may feel put off in the future of having sex with me.

That's going to the other extreme.

It's not a huge issue at the moment, so you can hold out. But if it starts bothering you, you should definitely feel comfortable enough to bring it up. After all, he's suppose to be caring and understanding right?

Furthermore, any strong relationship has to have a good communication system going. I would rather my girlfriend bring this up to me than keeping it to herself.

Hi Tal,

He actually wanted me to shut up last night before we even had sex, because I kept going on and on with my episode. Maybe that is why we had sex because it would shut me up, and give him a break.

In all fairness to you though, I'm sure he knows to be aware of you venting your feelings, and I think you being aware of doing it the right way, at the right time, is a testament to your recognizing some constraint, on your part.

That's a step in the right direction, of coping with your feelings in a positive way. That's balancing feelings, with thoughts and actions.

Now... about those meds..?

Thanks Tal,

I actually just spoke with him on the phone and asked him. He said it was because he was in the mood all day, and the reason why we has sex last night was to relieve some of his tension and frustrations. He said of course he still cares, loves me, isn't going anywhere, etc. Then because of my guilt by feeling so badly about how I have been and putting him through hell, and not feeling worthy of him, I started crying over the phone, and again looked for reassurance from him. He kindly, gently said, "Karen go get some water, or coffee, go outside take a break and have a cigarette and calm down and let go of the episode. You need to make yourself feel better. That is what the therapist keeps telling you to do. That is why I suggest that you buy a new dress for Easter. "

The meds that I was on was Prestig (antidepressant) and Abilify (mood stabalizer). Well, the abilify made me gain 20 + lbs (which is detramental, because I have low self esteem to begin with), so the dr. took me off that, and just kept me on the prestiq. That wasn't working, because my episodes started to become a lot more frequent. So just last week he is weaning me off the prestiq and putting me back on prozac (which I took way back when, and seemed to work). So that is where I am at so far with the meds.

What does your therapists say about exercise, or light weight training??

Actually, they never even mentioned that. I mean to lose weight sure, but as therapy they never mentioned anything.

Working out is a GREAT way to help yourself confidence, just walking into a gym makes me feel better.

Thanks Rome, I will have to do something, because I feel so horrible mentally and physically. I really don't want to lose this man. I love him so much. I am such a mess right now, I want to give him a beautiful life, filled with love, instead of this hellish nightmare. He said he is fine, isn't going anywhere, but, I feel so damn ashamed and horrible for what I am doing to him and this relationship. I am such a Fu*&ing mess. I constantly have to get reassurance from him. Even if we have a small disagreement , instead of me being able to let it go, I have to seek his reassurance. It's disgusting. I hate the way I am, I want to be normal so badly.

Exercising can help increase your mood and is overall good for your health. It's good for your mind, body, and soul.When I suffer from depression after my grandma passing it helped me a lot. I would go to the gym all sad and depressed but leave with an uplifted spirit.I know it's isn't easy dealing with your insecurities and you got a good man because most guys would've threw in the towel ages ago. Again you've to relax. When you start to feeling like your going start something with him leave the room to recollect your thoughts.Also, have you tried mediating? That can help too. Maybe yoga? I do this everyday. Are you taking vitamins, if not than maybe you should start. Also, starting a new hobby. I recently joined a swing dance club and I love it. Doing things to keep yourself busy is always a plus.

But you are normal! We all have our little personal challenges to overcome.

Talk to your therapists about some exercising, to get some balance back in your body.

Thanks Rome, I will have to do something, because I feel so horrible mentally and physically. I really don't want to lose this man. I love him so much. I am such a mess right now, I want to give him a beautiful life, filled with love, instead of this hellish nightmare. He said he is fine, isn't going anywhere, but, I feel so damn ashamed and horrible for what I am doing to him and this relationship. I am such a Fu*&ing mess. I constantly have to get reassurance from him. Even if we have a small disagreement , instead of me being able to let it go, I have to seek his reassurance. It's disgusting. I hate the way I am, I want to be normal so badly.

If you love him so much and you don't want to lose him, I think that one of the best things you can do for him is to take care of yourself. Make yourself a stronger, more confident person. Along the lines of the most recents posts.

Exercise is a must. Even if you go for a run 20 minutes a day makes a huge difference.

You should also strongly consider therapy. You can do it! Just believe in yourself.

Your boyfriend has been standing by you during your tough times. Imagine when you start making improvements?

Thank you everybody, I just don't want to lose him in the interim. My God, I am so upset. I feel like crap, and I don't know how I can make this all up to him. He says all he wants is for me to get better, but I know this has to be taking its toll on him.

Star, it does take a toll on him but not as much as you would expect. Coming from the same type of insecurities you are having, I can clearly relate to you. I have a very loving and understanding fiancé, who understands that it's not a switch I can flick off to stop being so jealous and insecure. Her exact words when I told her how I felt was, "take baby steps with it, don't focus on a week from now, focus on tomorrow" I used to ask her stuff about work, now I simply put it to the back of my head. I trust and love her enough to know that if something were to happen, she would tell me. It's hard to think of things that way at first, but you have to remind yourself of the character in which your spouse displays. For me, she is extremely trustworthy and I know my heart is in good hands.

Thank you Rome, so much. I just got off the phone with him. He is so great. And he says he isn't going anywhere, and that he wants to marry me someday. But just now, he said that he is not one to look far into the future. Doesn't that sound like a contradiction?

Star you have got to quit reading so much into things, and just ENJOY! This is life, take it or leave it. Enjoy what you have right in front of you!

Thanks KC, but that is so hard to do.

I know there are no guarantees in life but why does he say he wants to marry me and isn't going to leave me but then he says that he doesn't look into the future?

I know there are no guarentees in life but why does he say he wants to marry me and isn't going to leave me but then he says that he doesn't look into the future?

He probably does want to get married to you someday, but he doesn't want to make any guarantees.

Try not to read into too much at the moment. He obviously does love you or else he would not be with you. He's been very supportive and helping you get through your personal issues. You really need to focus on yourself. He said that he wants you to get better. So do that for both of you.

Thank you I wish, that I what I am going to do. If I feel an episode coming on, I am going to do the steps that the doctor told me to do, and not involve my boyfriend for he reassurance. I can't do that to him anymore. I must believe what he tells me, and not fear.

Hi Everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been having some issues (well, actually I am the one that is having the issues-being insecure, low self esteem/low self worth, etc). I constantly have been asking my boyfriend for reassurance and for him to justify his love to me (I am in therapy and on meds for depression, etc), and he said last night to stop asking him questions of reassurance. He said 'you should already know the answers to all of these questions', and he is so right. He also said that perhaps 'maybe I love too much'. I got to thinking about this, and I think he is right. I find myself constantly obsessing over him, always asking if he is happy, always apologizing about a million times to him, etc. Now, I even am almost at the point where I want to check his emails to make certain that he really is dedicated to me and not wanting anyone else. But, I won't do that. I refuse actually. What the hell is wrong with me, and how do I trust and how do I not be obsessive? Am I loving too much? I know this is a topic to talk to my therapist about, but I was wondering if any of you have gone through this, and what your thoughts/advise is.

Thanks again,
Star

Loving too much... not really... not loving yourself enough... YES.

Rome has suggested some good ways to handle your insecurities. I had the same problem at one time, and I too sought out professional help, which really helped me. Perhaps you should do the same.

Hi KC,

Thanks for your response. I do go to therapy once a week, and I started walking again to get some exercise, but is it my insecurties that makes me so obsessive with him?

In my opinion, and I am far from a PHD here, yes. When you don't love yourself enough, you tend to cling to others and depend on them for the love that is missing in your own heart.

The thing is, I don't know how to love myself. As weird as that sounds, I really don't know how. I mean I know I am a good person, and I wouldn't hurt anyone, so in that aspect I love myself. Is that right?

Loving yourself, is about doing things that make YOU happy to be who you are. That's friends, and activities you enjoy. Then you have something good to share with someone special.

I think your key here is, recognizing, and acknowledging you have the feelings you have, and have a clear plan, how to deal with them.

For example, when you feel like snooping, have an activity in mind to do instead of making that feeling a reality, or keeping a journal of how you feel, rather than act on it.

Its when we act impulsively on those feelings, is when we bring poison into our lives, and relationships. Keep reassuring yourself that the feelings will pass, and you have more important things to do.

This does require some positive actions from you. That's why you need a plan, like washing dishes, doing laundry, or anything that will change your focus in a positive way.

Hi Everyone,

Starlite here :rolleyes:

So, my and my boyfriend's birthdays are both in May, and we both decided to get each other tattoos to represent each other (he is getting a cat, because I love cats, and I am getting a wolf because he loves wolves). I also am getting him a guitar (even though we both are just in the learning stages). Well, I ordered it and told him that tomorrow I have to go somewhere for about an hour (I had to tell him that because we have plans to do yard work at his moms). He asked where I am going, and instead of lying I told him it is to pick up 'your birthday present'. Well he freaked! He said 'I thought we agreed that we are getting tattoos, now you are buying me something else!? ". After he calmed down, I told him that I wanted to get him this present (he still doesn't know what it is) for a while now, and I am getting it anyway. I told him that he doesn't have to go out and buy me anything because of it and he said "I have no intentions of getting you anything else, just the tattoo and the party (He is throwing me a 40th party)". (I'm fine with him not getting me anything else, but my God that hurt the way he said that). Then he said "The reason why that pissed him off is because I should have told him that I am getting him something when we were talking about the tattoos, its like I am hiding stuff from him". I told him it's a birthday present, coming from my heart, he didn't need to know about it. Is he insensitive or what??

Thanks guys, as always ;)

I don't think he's being insensitive but I do think it caught him off guard that you were getting him something extra- he loves you and probably doesn't want to feel that what he is getting you doesn't measure up. I would let this go and make sure you tell him how much you appreciate all the work he did setting up your party.

It just sounds like he wasn't planning on getting you a gift, other than the tattoo and the party. So he wasn't planning on buying anything else. But then you tell him that you're getting a gift, so he probably got all defensive because he's preparing for a future argument. I think he's scared that you're going to be pissed at him for not buying you a gift, since you're getting him one.

Just assure him that you won't be pissed if he doesn't get you an additional gift.

I told him not to get me anything additional; that it is so not necessary. But the way he said " "I have no intentions of getting you anything else" seemed a bit harsh and cold (or am I being too sensitive?). He also said that the reason why he got pissed is because "I should have told him that I am getting him something when we were talking about the tattoos, its like I am hiding stuff from him". Then he said "Im not mad that you are getting me a gift, I like gifts".

I told him not to get me anything additional; that it is so not necessary. But the way he said " "I have no intentions of getting you anything else" seemed a bit harsh and cold (or am I being too sensitive?). He also said that the reason why he got pissed is because "I should have told him that I am getting him something when we were talking about the tattoos, its like I am hiding stuff from him". Then he said "Im not mad that you are getting me a gift, I like gifts".

Like I said, he's getting defensive for a future argument, because he's scared that you will get pissed at him after your birthday when he doesn't get you a gift. If it's bothering you so much, just talk to him about it.

I agree with I Wish- he is just making sure you don't have any false expectations. He may have been blunt but I don't think what he said was harsh or with any intent to hurt you- he wants to prevent any future upset surrounding this.

Thanks Guys. What bothered me was how he said what he said. I won't even bother bringing it up to him. It's not worth the drama.

Maybe you shouldn't give him the guitar as a birthday gift. Instead you should save it as a Christmas gift.

I agree with all the advice given above and sometimes you have to stick by what you promise. When you don't it's like "damn she brought me a gift so now I have to get her one".

I think it's better that you found out his feelings on this issue now instead of finding it out when you gave him the gift on his birthday.

You had good ntentions behind this gift but he got mad because of the agreement you two made.

Hi Everyone,

I would like your honest opinions. My boyfriend and I live together and we talk about our future, marriage etc. We are both divorced from past marraiges. My boyfriend says that he wants marry me one day, and again, we talk about one day buying a house, etc. But he has said time and time again that he takes life day by day and there are no guarantees in life (other than death & taxes). So, my question is why does he talk of wanting to marry me someday, have a future with me, etc, and then says he doesn't think about the future; he likes to live day by day? Isn't that a contradiction? Does he really want to marry me/have a future with me someday?

You got to remember. Both of you are divorced. So his trust in marriage is very shaken. Take it slow with him and see how it goes. If he continues to have so many doubts, then maybe it's time for you to move on if you're looking for someone to be serious with you.

Yeah that is a contradiction. But I wouldn't worry too much about it!

I'm also the sort of person who takes things day-by-day and think that there are no guarantees in life... but I still have long term; wants, needs, dreams and wishes. So I would just take him on his words when he says he wants to marry you and buy a house etc. (of course there will come a time to set some real dates for those occurrences though. If he continues to avoid talking of a year or a specific stage in your relationship/life... well then I'd worry a bit.)

Hope this was of some help!

Thanks I wish,

I mean, we are very close, we get along great, he has been talking about the 'future' more and more, even though he says he is a day to day kind of guy, we are getting his and hers tattoos for each other's birthdays in a few weeks (Not of names, just representations of one another). I do ask him if he really does want to get married someday, and he says yes, but he has his own issues to work out, and he doesn't look that far into the future. But yet, he says he wants to have a life with me, etc. How can you say you want to get married and have a future one minute and then say almost in the same breath that you don't look far into the future?

Thank you Roxy! By the way, I am a huge Alice in Wonderland fan myself!!

Starlite: well if he is talking of the future more and more, then that's a good sign. (in stead of less and less ;))

I've done that a couple of times... I have to admit. I do want certain things in the future, but sometimes I think the future is kind of hard to see.. i.e. the when and the where. Of course it might be very different for him. But have you asked him about it? How he contradicts.

That is true, Roxy. I just get scared and even more insecure when he contradicts though.

Don't worry too much starlite1. Sounds like you guys are heading in the right direction. Keep up the communication. When it feels right, then you guys can bring up the marriage question. Let us know if you need more help!

I totally understand that you get insecure about it. But I really don't think you have to worry about it! Like I wish said; you guys really do seem to be heading in the right direction and that you have good a communication going on ;)

Thanks Roxy and I wish!

I actually have talked to him about the contradiction and he said he isn't contradicting. He wants to get married and have a future, he just doesn't obsess about it. But today, we were joking on the phone, and he said that someone at his job asking him to do something that he didn't know about, and I said tell them that your 'Crystal Ball is in the shop', and he said to me 'That is what I always say to you; I don't have a crystal ball'.

That doesn't sound to bad! Lol got to love the joke though.

As for not contradicting. I never feel I'm contradicting either :P because my way of thinking makes perfect sense to me. ;)

I'm glad you guys have talked about it though!

that doesn't sound to bad!! lol gotta love the joke though.

as for not contradicting. I never feel i'm contradicting either :P because my way of thinking makes perfect sense to me. ;)

i'm glad you guys have talked about it though!

Thanks Roxy, but when he says things like "See, I tell you I don't have a crystal ball, the only guarantees in life are death and taxes, etc" I get scared that he doesn't want to marry me or have a future with me.

Relax Starlite, don't get carried away when he says things you don't want to hear, because you need reassurance.

He isn't contradicting, he sounds quite practical, so take it in stride, and stop reading so much in to it.

How do I know if he is for real by talking about the future/marraige though, without asking for reassurance?

Technically he's right, he didn't really contradict.

Death and taxes are what he considers a guarantee. Marriage, spending the rest of his life with you is what he WANTS, but NOT a guarantee.

I guess I am looking for a guarantee. Why won't he give me one? Does that mean he doesn't see it happening?

No, that means he is exploring the possibilities.


I guess I am looking for a guarantee
Yes you are.


Why won't he give me one?
He doesn't have one to give you, settle for a hug.

Hi Tal,

What possibilities though. That is what I am gray on.

If you two are working well together after a year, OR TWO. Don't let talk get your hopes up, as what's the hurry? Nobody can see that far ahead, and he sounds like the one day at a time sort of fellow.

No one can guarantee a happily ever after story. But what you can get is a proposal.

You already made it clear to him that you want to get married. So you just need to wait for him to pop the question.

The fact that he has not proposed yet means that he's not ready to get married. You need to give him some time.

The question is, how long can you wait? I want to say patience?

How long have you been living together?

Hi Tal,

7 months

7 months isn't very long. Give it more time before expecting a proposal. I'm sure there's still a lot that you don't know about each other.

Hi Everyone,

I would like your honest opinions. My boyfriend and I live together and we talk about our future, marraige etc. We are both divorced from past marriages. My boyfriend says that he wants marry me one day, and again, we talk about one day buying a house, etc. But he has said time and time again that he takes life day by day and there are no guarantees in life (other than death & taxes). So, my question is why does he talk of wanting to marry me someday, have a future with me, etc, and then says he doesn't think about the future; he likes to live day by day? Isn't that a contradiction? Does he really want to marry me/have a future with me someday?

I wonder if my boyfriend and yours hang out? LOL.

We've been together a year and don't live together. I'd like to be married again myself some day, and I wanted to know how he felt about it, because I want to be with someone who wants what I want, so I asked him and he practically choked. I assured him I wasn't proposing and after he regained his composure he told me he is not against it but wants to be very careful because he doesn't want to start over again. ( he's divorced also).

And he's right. I feel that there is no hurry. Nothing wrong with getting to know someone very well and just go with the flow and take one day at a time. Let nature take it's course.

This is just my opinion, but I think people who say there is no guarantees in life, they are realists and living in reality but to me, I don't like living in a life with no guarantees, I like to live where things are for sure!! =P I guess it depends on the people.

I think it would be hard for me to live in a life with no guarantees although I know that the truth but it doesn't hurt to believe there are things that are for sure. I learned if you have a positive attitude, things always work out the way you want to =P even though I know life is unpredictable. Varies from person to person I guess =P

I am at five years and counting...

No comment, Tal. :D

Hi Tal,

7 months
Omigosh! That's barely long enough to establish the honeymoon is over, and the work to really learn if this relationship can last hasn't even started. You want a forever guarantee, of future happiness, from a stranger, who can't know if he wants to make that step? Sorry but that's not very practical. Establish some communications and see if your willing to work together first. I think you have quite away to go before you get to that point. What's your hurry?


I am at five years and counting...

No comment, Tal. :D

Okay, for now.:eek:

I agree with the others and from what I have seen with guys that give you that 'there are no guarantees except taxes and death' speech usually are the type that are trying to put things off for as long as possible and usually aren't even serious about what they are putting off. Just telling you what you want to hear. Not meaning that he doesn't love you or that he doesn't want to stay together indefinitely but that you most likely shouldn't get your hopes up too much about him ever actually going through with marriage.

Good Morning Everyone,

Starlite here. Guys, I'm in a real tough spot. My insecurites are driving me and my boyfriend crazy. I am going to therapy once a week, I'm on meds for depression, insecurity, etc, and I see a psychiatrist once every two months.

My boyfriend is so supportive and so loving, however I am driving him crazy with my low (extremely low) self esteem and self worth. I don't know, in fact I never knew how to love even like myself. I always feel that I am not good enough for him, not pretty enough for him, etc. He is gorgeous, can most likely have any woman he wants and he is with me thank God. But I feel as though I am not worthy of him because he is so good looking. I have put on a few pounds and am dieting now to try and get the weight off so that I could be more sexy for him. What do I do. I don't want to push this man away. He says he is unhappy with me because of me; meaning because I don't love myself and I am always jealous and insecure on myself.

Has anyone ever been here before like me? What do I do where I can be more beautiful, confident, and secure?

Thanks guys.

It's hard to love someone else when you don't love yourself. You're doing the right thing by seeing someone to talk about these issues. Have you always felt this way?

Hi ZoeMarie,

Yes, all of my life, ever since I was little. I remember when I was real little going to the supermarket with my mom, and walking up to a stranger (another lady) and saying Hi, I love you. The woman thought is was cute, but looking back, I was looking for acceptance.

Have you talked to your psychiatrist about your insecurities involving your boyfriend? If so, what did he/she say? A lot of times in these situations, what we would suggest is to talk to a counselor. I'm not sure what meds you're on, but does your doctor think they're working? I might be wrong in suggesting this, maybe you and your boyfriend want to work through this, but sometimes it's better to break it off and spend some time figuring yourself out before being in a serious relationship. I know what you're saying though, about looking for acceptance, I've been there.

We have been together for 4 years, and he says he doesn't want to end the relationship. He wants to marry me someday. I just need to get my SH*& together and get over all of this. I also get jealous if he even looks toward another woman. I know I have issues, and I need to get rid of them. The meds are helping, believe it or not. I just want to feel good and secure.

Maybe you could join a gym or something? Do something fun to feel good about yourself? Just an idea. I was in that situation, a long time ago and I started going to the gym every day after work. It was right down the street from my house and I loved it. Exercise causes your pituitary gland to release endorphines. You can read about it if you want.

Endorphins (http://www.pponline.co.uk/encyc/0430.htm)

I just know since you mentioned you wanted to lose weight and feel better about yourself it might not be a bad idea. Even if you're not overweight exercise has so many benefits.

Thank you Zoe, the problem is I can't afford it right now. So far I do walk and stuff like that. I just don't know how to get over my insecurities.

Yeah, that's something that will come with time. Unfortunately I don't know of any quick fixes. I'm sure others will be around soon and can offer you more suggestions. Do you have friends you can talk to? Go have fun with?

Multiple threads merged

Hi Starlite1,

I merged a few of your threads together so that we can follow your story because you've been having this problem for quite some time now and I thought that others should be able to read your entire story before giving you advice.

Is there a progress update from your therapist/counsellor?

I thought her name sounded familiar. I should have looked back at previous posts. Thanks I wish. ;)

Hi I Wish,

He says I'm doing better, however I still have these insecurities. They are driving me crazy, and I don't want to lose my boyfriend.

Hi I Wish,

He says I'm doing better, however I still have these insecurities. They are driving me crazy, and I don't want to lose my boyfriend.

If you're doing better, then that's a good sign. It sounds like you've been having this problem for a very long time. So I would think that it takes time to fix the problem too. If you been having progress, then keep up the progress. You don't need to be so hard on yourself. Don't expect yourself to change so quickly. Take one step at the time. As long as you keep improving. You can do it!

Thanks I wish, but how do I make my boyfriend happy again?

OK, Starlite, have you ever taken your boyfriend with you to see your doctor? If the doctor will allow that, it's not a bad idea. Maybe you and your boyfriend and your doctor can come up with something for when you're going through your episodes and maybe it will make for a little more understanding on your and your boyfriend's side.

Thanks I wish, but how do I make my boyfriend happy again?

You need to worry about yourself and take care of yourself first before you worry about someone else.

As for your boyfriend, if he really cared about you, then I think that he would be happy if you show a little progress every day. So focus on improving yourself every day and things will naturally fall into place with him.

Hi I Wish, and Zoe,

That is actually what my boyfriend said. As far as therapy, yes, he has been with me on numerous occasions but he still gets frustrated and angry at me.

he has been with me on numerous occasions but he still gets frustrated and angry at me.

He might get fustrated and angy, but that's only because he cares. Look how much time and patience he's put in already. He's been sticking by you all this time and actively trying to help you. If he didn't believe in you, he would have ran away by now.

Hug him a few times and day and thank him for being so patient and believing in you. After that, go back to focusing on yourself. Work harder on yourself and I'm sure he'll feel much better about the relationship. Just keep improving!

That's a beautiful idea, I wish. Thank you so much, and for those points too. I am so lucky to have him in my life, and I hope he feels the same way.

In my opinion, someone who sticks with you through all of this is a keeper. It sounds like he really does care about you. =)

Thank you ZoeMarie, I appreciate that. He certainly is.

Hi Everybody,

Starlite here again.

Do I have a reason to feel resentful? How do I communicate this without coming off as a Bit%^.

My boyfriend of 4 years (we are living together) just went out and bought a $50000.00 truck, which I am fine with, a whole bunch of new clothes, a new phone.

I was going to order myself some new clothes which I desperately need, and he says "Don't order anything until the bill gets paid" (The bill was a 0 balance, and he just ordered new clothes).

I am so hurt... how do I communicate this to him. And do I have a right to feel this way, or am I blowing this out of proportion.

Thanks, Starlite

It depends if you share your finances or not..

If its 'house' money,i.e. money for bills etc I would be angry it was not discussed..

If it was just his money,well its his money,but it would be nice to have being asked what did I think?

If your sharing the same space, I would be peeved anyway.

The only thing you can do is talk to him,see how he views the situation,if you're his partner,I would see it as selfish.

He may not think anything of it,and unless you say something, he will continue thinking everything is fine.

Hi Redhead,

Yes, we share all the finances, but he dictates everything.

Do you mean,you contribute to the house hold expenses but he decides how they are spent?

If that's the case,perhaps its time to sit down and talk budget... a portion for the house,and a percent of your wages for you,to spend how you wish..

We've had that talk already; the thing is he can spend on whatever he wants, but if I need anything, I need to clear it with him first, or sometimes even before I clear anything, he negates it.

That sounds a little controlling.

If my daughter was going to use my credit card or other form of card,she would have to clear it with me,for example,tonight she is in a different county,I gave her my card for emergency cash only... im the parent,she is the child and needs permission to use it if she needs too..

Do you see where I'm going with this, it sounds like your in a parent child relationship,instead of an equal partnership..

He gets to be the adult with the power over the finances,and you have to clear any spending with him... does not really ring through as equal or healthy, your feeling resentfull, his way is not working,and you need to tell him that.

It's funny my wife started to resent me cause I bought a new car which I desperately needed(not $50,000 it was $20,000) and bought some new clothes and sneakers (I am a sneaker hoe). I noticed she was giving me the cold shoulder so I asked her what is wrong. And she said she needed new clothes and shoes etc and it wasn't right that I didn't let her.

I started to laugh and said sweetie it is your money too and you keep the budget if there is money there then don't worry about it and buy whatever you need you earned half of that money. Just talk to him and explain that you earned half of that money and there are necessities that you need. Hopefully he will see he is being an @$$ by dictating what you can or can't buy with your money.

Thank you spitvenom and redhead, you both make perfect sense. He is a bit of a control freak anyway.

Threads merged

Hi starlite1,

I found it appropriate to merge your threads so that people can follow your story with your boyfriend.

You and your boyfriend really need to work on communication. You shouldn't be afraid to express how you feel about the situation. Relationships take hard work and compromise.

If he's a control freak, it makes it even more important to have a strong communication system.

That's just it, I wish. If I bring anything up at all, he freaks out (not physically). He gets mad, throws a tantrum like a spoiled little brat. I'm at the point where I am afraid to even bring anything up to him.

I hate to be the one to bring this up, but you've been having serious problems with him since the first time you posted in this forum, which is March. You've had months to work things out, but there does not seem to be any progress whatsoever. If anything, your relationships is deteriorating, especially when you tell us that you're afraid to bring "anything" up. With this kind of obstacle, you no longer have a healthy relationship.

When you're afraid to express yourself, that means there's a HUGE communication breakdown. That's a huge problem. If it doesn't get fixed, your relationship is going to end sooner or later.

I think you need to take a few steps back and reconsider this relationship. Relationships are suppose to be happy and natural. I understand that you might have some happy moments, but maybe not often enough. Furthermore, this relationship is anything but natural. It feels forced.

The thing is I really do love this man. But, I do see what you are saying. Communication is a huge factor in any relationship, however I am afraid to talk with him sometimes. He gets angry and lays blame.

Him being angry, and you being scared to talk, is a good reason to back off, and regroup.

Sorry but it takes two people willing to talk to resolve anything.

Not to sound cliché but if you guys hope to marry someday, you should be each other's best friend. Part of that idea sits in the fact you should be able to talk about and share everything with each other as far as communication is concerned. Neither should be afraid or feel controlled.

As far as your insecurities, I often have a problem similar but not as severe as yours and ask my BF for reassurance. What you have to start to see is the cycle. There is only so many times a person can tell you they love you, won't leave you, won't cheat.. etc, until they get to a point of feeling "what do I have to do for this person to believe I love them heart and soul"? It gets really taxing on them to always have to reassure just like it is hard on us to always question. Sometimes you have to realize the more you push after you have been reassured the harder you make it on them finding the way to tell you what you want to hear when the other 50 times (and actions) weren't enough and the more you can push away.

I get it, I do because I have been there. But you can't always depend on them to help control what is in your head. The only person that can do that is you. Another person can't fix your dark thoughts because it is all in your mind.. not theirs. You have to find better ways to talk yourself down off that ledge so that way when you have a very bad episode you can talk to your partner about it. This way every time you over think something minor you can try to work it out in your head before you let it spiral and let it blow up.

Trust me not only will you feel better, the relationship will to. I try to find other things to do and tell my head I can't control him.. I can only control me. Once you really grasp that the worst of your fears will begin to calm down.

Thank you so much Epiphony, that was beautiful, and I will definitely try to do that. Maybe that is why we have such a hard time communicating with each other. He feels I am about to go into an episode (which at times I am not anymore), and I feel that no matter what I say he will get mad and angry.

When you feel that you're deeply in love, you feel like it's really difficult to let go, because love gives you hope.

Just because you are in love with the other person doesn't mean the relationship will work out.
In addition to feelings of love, both people involved need to put in the effort, compromise, mutually respect each other's wishes, have a strong communication system and trust to help build a relationship.

It's extremely unhealthy to stay in a relationship when you're the only one compromising. Furthermore, it's even worse when you're constantly hoping that the other person will change one day. That's just setting yourself up for disappointment and heartbreak.