Aehs01 has been changed to Telan, and all threads have been merged for easy access



So I'll do some explaining so this all makes sense and I get the best responses out of this topic. I happen to find a great NC thread thanks to Google searches and discovering what the 'no contact rule' really is. I've come across mostly all the same information reading online and speaking with friends when it comes to break ups.

I'll explain a bit of my past so my current situation makes more sense. I've dated and had dates with numerous girl's.. about 3 years ago back in early 2006 I fell in love for the first time, I was 21 at the time. 3 1/2 months into this relationship my girlfriend broke up with me over an argument, she was 18 and extremely immature.. more or less she strung me along worse then any girl ever had keeping me in the loop for the next ~2 years.. she would date other guys, sleep with other guys and I would always be there for her.. thinking because of how she acted she wanted to work things out.. we tried probably 4 or 5 times and every time I ended up extremely disapointed.. I had a NC period of over a year 1/2 with her and in all this time (about 3 years total) I never met anyone new and had only gone on dates that went no where. This really damaged me, made me lost confidence in myself, made me think I'd never meet anyone again.. always trying to get back what I once had for such a short amount of time.. it was all a complete waste and even to this day the best thing I got going with this girl is we can talk like normal human beings and we don't hangout ever.

So on to the current situation.. I'm now 24 and have learned a lot alone from dating others and being in that one relationship that really did a number on me. I met a girl back in May/June and we started dating and eventually made it official.. this girl was amazing, we never fought and we were always doing fun things, going places, just overall having a great relationship. We fell in love in a short amount of time and I knew it was love, after being in so many situations and knowing how sure I was about my feelings I was back where I wanted to be. Now this girl was 20, more mature then my last but had been in a lot less experiences. She had 1 ex boyfriend who she was engadged to and dated for 4 years, he abused her and mistreated her all the time.. essentially they both had issues and she got rid of him 5-6 months before I had met her. While we dated he was always hounding her and trying to get her back.. he had pretty much screwed himself because he did things that could never be un-done.. she ignored him most of the time.

So 2 1/2 months into our relationship we get into our first real fight.. she started telling me that she wanted to be friends with her ex. I explained that maybe one day years from now they could be friends again and be able to talk like normal people.. speaking from my own experiences with my last girlfriend. This kid wanted her back badly and she in my opinion was thinking very irrationally about this situation. I let her hangout with friends that were guys and didn't mind this because I trusted her and I knew there was no past between them. She got upset with me and cancelled our plans, from here on out things just went downhill.. she had her wisdom teeth out, failed her class in school which in turn meant her failing all her classes and having to stop going to school.. she pretty much hit 'rock bottom' as she described it. She took me down with her and broke up with me over a Facebook message.. She told me she was confused and had an urge to want to see other people, she was thinking that because of me telling her I didn't want her to see this ex of hers I was being controlling, as if I was going to fall into a controlling habit just as her ex was controlling with her.. this scared her. She explained that she was terrified of the unknown and not knowing if our relationship will work out. I became angry and deleted her as a friend and removed all our photo's.. I look back at that now and wish I just left her alone and did absolutely nothing at the time but I was upset. We saw each other 2 weeks later and she told me how much she missed me and how sorry she was, how breaking up with me was one of the biggest regrets she ever had. We slept together and more or less had a 'make up' day.. She told me she had not heard from her ex in two weeks and did not miss him, she said she had no desire to be friends with him and told me she realized I was the really the first person she ever loved, that not only she loved me as a boyfriend but as a person because I treated her so well and appreciated her. We didn't get back together because she still emphasized being confused.. being scared to lose me. She would tell me she shouldn't be with anyone, as she had fallen back into bad habits such as drinking alcohol often and smoking ciggs.. picking up on her past but she wanting me to 'wait' for her. At first this was what I did, another two weeks went by and we were starting to argue more.. I left her alone for the most part and let her come to me.. she attempted to make plans with me again.. ending up that she had to cancel on me due to some family plans that came up unexpectedly.

I told her I wanted a two week break to cool off.. she became very angry about this and just made me feel bad.. we argued more and we ended up speaking the next night, more apologies. I left her alone most of that week and she checked up on me twice, apologized to me more for how she was treating me and how sorry she was. I decided that weekend I couldn't take my emotions being thrown up and down so I told her I needed to see her in person. She came over on Sunday the 13th, we talked and it was ovious she was still in love with me.. she told me many times she was. We talked and I decided to tell her I think we should have absolutely no contact and that I would not be put through this again.. knowing what had happened for the past few years I was not going to be walked on again. We ended up sleeping together even after the discussion of NC.. I don't regret it because I think it left the night with her remembering what it was like to really be happy with me, how she told me she loved me. It has been two weeks since last night and it has been so hard to not think about her. The first week I would check her Facebook and hoped not to read something that would make me feel hurt.. one night was her mentioning drinking and it was obvious this whole situation was bothering her, another her sounding happy about going to the Zoo on the coming weekend. I have decided at this point not to login to FB at all so I don't get any temptation to look at her page, deleting her I thought would re-create issues as they did the first time I removed her so I left it be. I'm being strong this time around and honestly hope she realizes that me and her had a special relationship.. I feel as though her only being with me and this one other kid she is going to want to explore and date around to see what is out there.. I can't blame her as she has not experienced that. My plan is to wait another 2 1/2 weeks and ask her out to a casual short lunch and treat the situation normal with the hopes that she will talk about how she is feeling now that I've really been gone for over a month. I'm curious to know what you all think of this.. I know it's long and if you read this far I thank you.

Are you sure you can handle the situation ?
NC as such as Im sure you know means no lunches or any other get togethers.
She s confused and I think meeting up would add to the confusion for both of you.

Are you sure you can handle the situation ?
NC as such as Im sure you know means no lunches or any other get togethers.
She s confused and I think meeting up would add to the confusion for both of you.

Well my thought was giving her a month of knowing I'm not there.. also her knowing I don't 'need' her and I'm not desperate. I actually took this suggestion from a pdf book I found online called 'the magic of making up' it seems to be solid as this month away will give her time to honestly see if she misses me and wants to work it out. I decided to do NC, she wants to talk to me so.. I'll see how I feel in a couple weeks.

Well.. last night I got a message from her, she more or less said that she loved me and that she didn't want to risk ruining something with the person that could possibly be 'the one' I told her I will need to continue NC unless she truly wants to work it out. Didn't get many reply's on this but if people are more curious maybe I'll post what was said.

Okay. You're a male right? Get your emotions in order... Seems like your always mad/upset cause all you do is argue with this girl and the only time you mentioned your happy together and doing okay is after you guys have sex...

Seems like a very immature relationship on both parts. Yours being because your playing games with her as far as being emotionally distraught and punishing her for it. Her part because she wants to date around and see what's out there and has bad habits like alcoholism, smoking, and keeping you on the hook by saying she thinks she loves you...

I think both of you need to grow up and talk to each other and really decide if your right for each other. If so, STOP arguing, learn to compromise, and make it work. If not, STOP pestering each other like a high school relationship and MOVE ON.

Sorry for being harsh, but I felt like I just read a story from AOL Instant Messenger from when I was in 10th grade...

Best of luck.

Okay. Your a male right? Get your emotions in order... Seems like your always mad/upset cause all you do is argue with this girl and the only time you mentioned your happy together and doing okay is after you guys have sex...

Seems like a very immature relationship on both parts. Yours being because your playing games with her as far as being emotionally distraught and punishing her for it. Her part because she wants to date around and see what's out there and has bad habits like alcoholism, smoking, and keeping you on the hook by saying she thinks she loves you...

I think both of you need to grow up and talk to each other and really decide if your right for each other. If so, STOP arguing, learn to compromise, and make it work. If not, STOP pestering each other like a high school relationship and MOVE ON.

Sorry for being harsh, but I felt like I just read a story from AOL Instant Messenger from when I was in 10th grade...

Best of luck.

We actually have not argued that much, maybe I made that part sound worse then it was. We have hardly argued really. I really don't think I've been playing games with her, I told her I wanted to work it out and we've always been good about communicating.. she is confused and is not sure if she is ready to settle.. I understand that and honestly look at it that due to her age it makes sense and there is nothing I can do about it. I've left the decision up to her if she wants to get back together with me or not.. not sure how you see this as something from high school.

I let her hangout with friends that were guys and didn't mind this because I trusted her and I knew there was no past between them.



She told me she was confused and had an urge to want to see other people, she was thinking that because of me telling her I didn't want her to see this ex of hers I was being controlling, as if I was going to fall into a controlling habit just as her ex was controlling with her.


Perhaps you chose unfortunate wording here, but "letting" her hang out with friends? Are you her owner?


Also, it sounds like your relationship has been chock full o' drama. Maybe you are into that, as some people are. If not, I would just stick to NC and try to move on, and try not to worry about how defriending her on Facebook will make HER feel. You should focus on you.

Perhaps you chose unfortunate wording here, but "letting" her hang out with friends? Are you her owner?


Also, it sounds like your relationship has been chock full o' drama. Maybe you are into that, as some people are. If not, I would just stick to NC and try to move on, and try not to worry about how defriending her on facebook will make HER feel. You should focus on you.

Well for some time now I've thought about that whole drama subject, you would not imagine some of the story's I have regarding women and all the crazy stuff I've had happen when it comes to relationships.. I hate it in a lot of ways but it certainly makes everything a lot more interesting.. I've learned to walk away from situations as I've gotten older rather then let them continue to get much worse.. hence doing NC here as opposed to bugging her and making everything worse.

I suppose that was some bad wording, she is her own person and is free to do as she pleases, hanging out with guy friends etc... it just came up as a topic with us and it's always been an issue in general to most any relationship with either me or friends. Most women I have been with never liked me hanging out around other women at all, it was just the respectful thing to do but I had no reason not to trust this girl so it honestly was never a problem... it's just a different story when it comes to someone she was with for 4 years who is desperately trying to be with her again.

Sounds like other than recently you were good together. Just let her do what she needs to do Im sure she loves you if she risked losing you for good to protect you from her drama and mess of a life she has had before you. Ya its unfortunate that she didn't discover how much of a mess she was before you fell for her. If you need no contact than do it. But then again maybe to her she's feeling like OK this guy claims he loves me but he's just saying like you, you need a friend now but I can't be your friend so you have to get through this yourself. If you really loved her or love her I think you would be there through thick and thin for her. Cutting her off my just be pushing her away and you may find that it pushes her to confid in someone else. Are you really going to risk something like that.
But then again this site is just so you get ideas but I think you can figure out what's best for you. Just follow your heart. Just remember NC leaves the question will he / she be there still when its done. And even if you can't be friends with her now do to emtions what makes you think that days months years will change that. If you love her there's never going to be a time that you can be just friends with her. So you need to figure out what's more important to you.

Ok first off, I'm 24 and I'm a female.. I have an 8 yrs old daughter, so yes that means I started early and I have been in a couple of relationships over the years.. I have played games with guys heads and I'm not proud of it but now I try to open eyes to those who are being played with "Game recognizes Game" as it was once said to me. I'm going to give you my opinion from my perspective..

First, that first girlfriend you had, I think that she really didn't want to be with you in the first place, she dated you as long as she could put up with you. You must have been doing something that was convenient for her. After your breakup she just wanted to keep you along for a reason, like you were so nice to her and like you said you were always there for her when she needed you, why not keep you around. You said you guys tried 4 or 5 times to work it out but it was a dissapointment, of course she really did not want to work it out. I don't understand, if you knew she was dating other guys and sleeping with others guys, why would you want to hang about? Obviously the person the loves you and wants to be with you will try to be with you and not want to date other people. Buts that's the past which you should have learned by now.
Now with this second girl she is 20 and only dated one guy that she was with since she was 16. You say that they have been broken up for like 5 or 6 months when you started dating her and she ignored him most of the time. If she was truly over him and was done with the mistreating and abuse she would have had NO CONTACT what so ever with this guy, the fact that she did should have been your first sign to say "hold on why would she still want to talk to this guy? Something is not right!". The fact that he was still in the picture, even if it was every so often, what she has been so use to over the past years, what feels like that's all she knows, is going to make her feel confused about being in another relationship. Although she claims that she loves you and wants to be with you she still has ex in her life and picking up old habits means that she has been around him. The fact that she comes around saying that she misses you and loves you not only as a boyfriend but as a friend but doesn't want to get back emphasizing being confused, I see it as she is not being true to you or herself, she is playing games. She needs to stop and get that guy out of her life if she is truly done with him first. Then she needs to get back on track with her school and think about putting herself first-love herself first before she can think about dating and starting a new life with you or any guy for that matter. I think that all that NC is all a game being played back and forth. This girl sounds like she has a lot to make up for 4 yrs lost of her life. She needs to go out, meet guys, and have fun and enjoy life but before anything het her life back on track before you two can have anything.
My advise to you is back off for a while and try to find a girl who is more around your age and try not to fall in love so fast although I think its more like lust than love what you have, maybe pity of seeing her struggling and wanting to make her life better and knowing that you can treat a girl right, you want to prove yourself. Thers a saying we spanish people have " a new broom sweeps well". If you read between the lines you'll know what I mean.

Well I think I about covered it. Im sorry if I'm a bit harsh at the beginning with that first part but it's how I see it.

sounds like other than recently you were good together. Just let her do what she needs to do Im sure she loves you if she risked loosing you for good to protect you from her drama and mess of a life she has had before you. Ya its unfortunate that she didnt discover how much of a mess she was before you fell for her. If you need no contact than do it. But then again maybe to her shes feeling like ok this guy claims he loves me but hes just saying like you, you need a friend now but I can't be your friend so you have to get thru this yourself. If you really loved her or love her I think you would be there thru thick and thin for her. Cutting her off my just be pushing her away and you may find that it pushes her to confid in someone else. Are you really going to risk something like that.
But then again this site is just so you get ideas but I think you can figure out whats best for you. Just follow your heart. Just remember NC leaves the question will he / she be there still when its done. And even if you can't be friends with her now do to emtions what makes you think that days months years will change that. If you love her theres never gonna be a time that you can be just friends with her. So you need to figure out whats more important to you.

I think this comment was right on the money, I read it and started to believe I made the wrong choice due to my situation. I've been talking with her a bit the past couple days, she had blocked me on Facebook and I think was hoping for me to stay in her life as friends through this rough time. She is with someone else now, someone who she claims is just a rebound that she is using.. apparently a guy who is going through some divorce.. I didn't want to ask details because I didn't want to think about it. I hardly slept Friday night just thinking about her being with someone else so soon. After reading your post I asked her if I had stuck around.. would she be with this new guy? And she claims probably not, she says she felt that I abandoned her.. I feel like maybe I made a mistake of trying to leave her be when she needed me the most.. she makes it very obvious she still cares quite a bit about me. I then found out shortly after me starting NC.. she got very drunk one night and slept with someone else (I don't know if it's this same guy, I didn't even ask) At this point I'm devastated but I almost feel like she needed this at the same time so she could realize how ridiculous she is being over everything.. we are not together. At this point I talked to her this morning via texts and she said she can't hear my voice over the phone because she cried for hours last night she says.. I'm not really sure what to do but nothing seems to be getting better. My thought was to give her 1 shot at redemption, she was honest with me about what happened and I know she is upset about everything that has happened.. I'm also going to tell her if she does not want to talk this through and attempt to work it out then I will most definitely need to do NC and if that happens I see the chances of us getting back together in the future pretty slim.. I guess that's how I'm feeling right now.

Ok first off, im 24 and im a female.. I have an 8 yrs old daughter, so yes that means i started early and i have been in a couple of relationships over the years.. i have played games with guys heads and im not proud of it but now i try to open eyes to those who are being played with "Game recognizes Game" as it was once said to me. i'm going to give you my opinion from my perspective..

First, that first girlfriend you had, i think that she really didn't want to be with you in the first place, she dated you as long as she could put up with you. You must have been doing something that was convenient for her. After your breakup she just wanted to keep you along for a reason, like you were so nice to her and like you said you were always there for her when she needed you, why not keep you around. You said you guys tried 4 or 5 times to work it out but it was a dissapointment, of course she really did not want to work it out. I dont understand, if you knew she was dating other guys and sleeping with others guys, why would you want to hang about? Obviously the person the loves you and wants to be with you will try to be with you and not want to date other people. Buts thats the past which you should have learned by now.
Now with this second girl she is 20 and only dated one guy that she was with since she was 16. You say that they have been broken up for like 5 or 6 mths when you started dating her and she ignored him most of the time. If she was truly over him and was done with the mistreating and abuse she would have had NO CONTACT what so ever with this guy, the fact that she did should have been your first sign to say "hold on why would she still want to talk to this guy? Something is not right!". The fact that he was still in the picture, even if it was every so often, what she has been so use to over the past years, what feels like thats all she knows, is going to make her feel confused about being in another relationship. Although she claims that she loves you and wants to be with you she still has ex in her life and picking up old habits means that she has been around him. The fact that she comes around saying that she misses you and loves you not only as a boyfriend but as a friend but doesnt want to get back emphasizing being confused, i see it as she is not being true to you or herself, she is playing games. She needs to stop and get that guy out of her life if she is truly done with him first. Then she needs to get back on track with her school and think about putting herself first-love herself first before she can think about dating and starting a new life with you or any guy for that matter. I think that all that NC is all a game being played back and forth. This girl sounds like she has a lot to make up for 4 yrs lost of her life. She needs to go out, meet guys, and have fun and enjoy life but before anything het her life back on track before you two can have anything.
My advise to you is back off for a while and try to find a girl who is more around your age and try not to fall in love so fast although i think its more like lust than love what you have, maybe pity of seeing her struggling and wanting to make her life better and knowing that you can treat a girl right, you want to prove yourself. Thers a saying we spanish people have " a new broom sweeps well". If you read between the lines you'll know what i mean.

Well i think i about covered it. Im sorry if im a bit harsh at the beggining with that first part but it's how i see it.


Thanks for the reply, I'm not going to get into the firs girl as that is the past and I have most definitely learned from that experience. If you read my above post you will know where I'm at right now.. I guess this situation has just become worse. I did find out she still talks to this ex of 4 years and he seems to be over the fact of trying to be with her but he is on a roll making her feel like non stop.. apparently he told her she should go slit her wrists and she took it pretty personally. Everyone I've talked to about this says she is too young, this is for sure true. I've been with enough women to know the difference between lust and love, I do believe we had something really special going even though it was a short amount of time. I've been with many women and just felt next to nothing when it comes to how I feel about them.. some lust relationships here and there where I've learned more.

I guess how I see this is I know if I move on I will find someone else, I feel like only recently I've falling into a 'pity' mode over everything she has had happen. I honestly just want it to go back to the way it was.. I mean she would ignore that kid for 2-3 weeks straight, he would come back into the picture when he did things such as sending me a threatening message on myspace.. they also had a mutual friend die and he had to reach out to her to tell her so the contact seemed to just happen without her wanting it to.. like he showed up at her work unannouned once. We were happy going places and enjoying each others company while together, I don't think it's impossible to have that back again.. I think most of her issues she will need to work out herself but I feel like I don't have to be out of her life for that to happen.. I guess I'll see how this week goes, if you read my above post you will see the current situation.

To make a longer story short, I dated this girl for roughly 3 months. She was 20.. I'm 24. She to me is still growing up and learning a lot.. she decided to break up with me mostly because of not being over an ex of 4 years and not being ready to settle down and be in any type of serious relationship. She ended up failing school, drinking, doing drugs.. she was being immature.. about a month after us being broken up.. still hanging out and sleeping together I decided to implement NC to prevent myself from getting hurt more knowing she would eventually move on to someone else.. she would tell me she wondered what it was like to date other people really only being with me and one other person.

Basically when I found out she went and slept with someone else days after me telling her I couldn't do this anymore (NC) I pretty much got angry and told her off over IM, telling her how immature she was and pointing out her flaws.. telling her how messed up it was for her to jump into a rebound with someone else.. she pretty much told me ' you' and it's now been exactly a month since we spoke.. I had looked at her Facebook a few days after her 'closing message' to me seeing that she was in a new relationship and with a new guy, went away with him to a hotel over a weekend etc etc... should I feel bad for really telling her off, telling her how I really felt?

Might be able to understand this better if you read my other post. I created this one because I wanted to focus more on the fact that I probably made her feel like sh*t and I honestly feel bad about it. I hate doing NC but I know it's the only way to heal and the fact that she is with someone else so soon tells me that she was not for me. I can explain more if need be. Thanks

I probably made her feel like sh*t and I honestly feel bad about it.

If so, apologize. Only "mature" option left for you at this point.

If so, apologize. Only "mature" option left for you at this point.

Well I sent her an e-mail the morning after stating that I felt horrible about what I said and I'd never contact her again.. if I try to apologize now I'll be breaking NC and most likely I'll just end up feeling worse about everything. I guess I just wanted some opinions for the next time I end up in a situation like this.. I feel as though there was no reason to bring her down despite how horrible she was to me.

The whole point of NC is no contact at all so you should stay away from Facebook as well. Whenever you get information about the ex it ll set you back. As for the telling off should you apologize? A short Im sorry might be in order but what s done is done and that would be yet another breach of your NC, and you might get stuck waiting for a reply that you may never receive,so more confusion.

The whole point of NC is no contact at all so you should stay away from Facebook as well. Whenever you get information about the ex it ll set you back. As for the telling off should you apologize? A short Im sorry might be in order but what s done is done and that would be yet another breach of your NC, and you might get stuck waiting for a reply that you may never receive,so more confusion.

Yeah and that is my fear, I believe I'm at the point with her that she will most likely ignore me if I do that. She has a new guy in her life and I've most likely been written off in her mind.. I honestly think despite her telling me she never wanted to talk to me ever again.. one day even if it's a year or more from now she will come around and tell me what she did was wrong. I think she knows that now but her actions are speaking louder then her just telling me that she is sorry. Best thing I've been doing is writing in a journal to myself.. I've stuck to NC completely.. no texts, no FB, no calls.. nothing. I have no idea what she is doing right now.

Then you re doing it by the book-stay that way-you ll heal with time.
And whatever she s doing or has done-right or wrong, won't matter.

Then you re doing it by the book-stay that way-you ll heal with time.
And whatever she s doing or has done-right or wrong, wont matter.

This is the 2nd time I'll be going through this, the first time I did NC it literally took me 2 years to fully implement it with the girl I first fell in love with.. I'm finding it difficult this time around but I do know it will get better.. time is the only thing I know that will help.

The girl I first fell in love with I'm completely over now and we can actually speak like normal human beings without anger or issues.. feels much better then always being hurt over her actions.. now I just don't care what she does.

NCs tough but you know it works and I don't think it'll take two years this time. And yes once we re completely over them it should be possible to speak to them again as we no longer care what they re doing.

Yeah and that is my fear, I believe i'm at the point with her that she will most likely ignore me if I do that. She has a new guy in her life and i've most likely been written off in her mind.. I honestly think despite her telling me she never wanted to talk to me ever again.. one day even if it's a year or more from now she will come around and tell me what she did was wrong. I think she knows that now but her actions are speaking louder then her just telling me that she is sorry. Best thing i've been doing is writing in a journal to myself.. i've stuck to NC completely.. no texts, no FB, no calls.. nothing. I have no idea what she is doing right now.

OK... so you made it 1 day. What do you say you set yourself a stretch goal... maybe a month? Think you can hold out a month?

OK... so you made it 1 day. What do you say you set yourself a stretch goal... maybe a month? Think you can hold out a month?

Oh.. well maybe reading my posts it seemed confusing. TODAY has been exactly a month since we last spoke.. I have been on straight NC for exactly a month today. I honestly can't say I feel a whole lot better because in the back of my mind I know she is with someone else and it really hurts to think about it but I also know there is nothing I can do about it..

What I hate most is I constantly put blame on myself, like what I could have done differently to save us from getting to this point. I don't think it should need to be this difficult though, she is still maturing and has little experience in the dating world. I hate it but it's almost that I need to accept that she wondered what dating other people would be like.

Good for you on the 1 month.

Don't blame yourself. Look at these as learning experiences and grow from them. You can't change her, control her or her decisions. BUT you can make yourself better.

Just keep away from her and keep improving yourself. It's her loss... I know a bit cheeky. But that's the way to look at it.

Good for you on the 1 month.

Don't blame yourself. Look at these as learning experiences and grow from them. You can't change her, control her or her decisions. BUT you can make yourself better.

Just keep away from her and keep improving yourself. It's her loss... I know a bit cheeky. But that's the way to look at it.

Yes, that is what I have been doing. I workout every day now and it has helped tremedously.. I have had a couple dates but know in the back of my mind because I still think about her all the time I'm not ready.. I'm just improving myself so I will be ready when the next good girl comes along.

Were you rude and hateful to her? If so, you should apologize the next time you run into her. It never does anyone any good when you verbally assault someone else in anger. And it's just plain hateful.

You see, when you do that, you give them a reason to dislike you. As it stands, she is in the wrong.

I know she did you wrong, and she should be ashamed, but just chalk it up to experience. Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Be glad that you got paroled after only a 2 month sentence.

Let her make someone else miserable.

Were you rude and hateful to her? If so, you should apologize the next time you run into her. It never does anyone any good when you verbally assault someone else in anger. And it's just plain hateful.

You see, when you do that, you give them a reason to dislike you. As it stands, she is in the wrong.

I know she did you wrong, and she should be ashamed, but just chalk it up to experience. Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Be glad that you got paroled after only a 2 month sentence.

Let her make someone else miserable.

Well what I did was I wrote in an online journal to myself prior to a weekend a month ago.. like on a Wednesday. She had a bunch of stuff on her FB and in her away messages about going away to a hotel with this guy and I basically told myself I'd send her the message if she decided to actually go through with it.. being her last chance at some type of reconiliation. She blew it, we chatted on I'm and she went on about how pathetic she was.. how she slit her wrists and all this stuff.. I told her I wanted to tell her how I really felt.. not even being as angry as I was when I wrote what I did.. but I decided to just send it to her because I felt as though she needed to hear it. So I sent it and she didn't even try to throw anything in my face.. she pretty much tried to explain herself but knew what I said was true.. yet hurtful. She said "F you" and blocked me on IM and I have not heard anything since. Like my previous reply I did send her an e-mail the next morning telling her I didn't want it to end this way and I was sorry for telling her what I did because she made me feel very guilty.. I guess I should have expected that.

I have a feeling real apologies won't come until much later on.. What honestly scares me is to think maybe a year will go by and she could still be with this same guy.. it will make me feel like I was the problem.

It's over, all done. Put it and her behind you.

I think you should feel a little bad about what you said. She must feel bad about how she handled things and should have handled them differently. But getting to your older post you need to put some of the blame on how you handled things as well. Telling her not to hang out with her ex or with someone she almost slept with seemed controlling. With her ex she was always being controlled so maybe she felt history repeating. And for actually being on here and spilling your situation to strangers isn't going to help anything. You call her immature. But your not any better. Your trying to hide from talking to her about these things. If you were mature you'd talk to her and wouldn't play these games of help me help desk. No one is going to have the answers besides you and her! So my answer is stop talking about me and you and our situation to other people (I believe I told you while we were dating I hated that about you that you couldn't figure things out on your own) and ing talk to me if you have something to say about it!!

Why talk to her? After reading both his threads and looking at his and her actions I'd say move on. Yeah... he probably didn't handle everything correctly. People say things they regret when they're emotional. Her on the other hand just chose to sleep with whom ever, where ever. That's real mature.

So again, what's to talk about? Other than a spoiled, selfish little girl with no morals or values.

Well first of all, I created a new user name. My ex posted in both my previous threads as 'follow your heart'

This was my first thread-
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/nc-after-recent-breakup-want-hear-some-thoughts-400627.html

I made this one months later-
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/should-feel-bad-telling-her-how-really-felt-after-we-broke-up-414257.html

Well if you decided to read through the other two threads, more or less I'm at the point where I've followed all of the NC rules. No Facebook, no texting, no photo's, no contact of any kind since probably about sometime in January I believe.

Initially we had met on Okcupid.com, when we last spoke I had basically been browsing the site (had signed back up) and saw her on there.. it stirred up some emotions and I ended up using IM to contact her. She pretty much told me how little I seemed to mean to her and pretty much admitted the guy she had left me for she loved more then she did me.. this devastated me.. I attempted to call her to talk at the time and she was so disrespectful about the situation she wouldn't even pickup the phone for me and pretty much made it clear I was not all that important to her. I deleted myself on Okcupid for months because I couldn't stand thinking to see her on there looking for someone yet again. I decided to recently come back and try it again a couple months ago. I find she is no longer on the site again (I just assume she found yet someone else to be with) but last night I was browsing and she poped up.. again my emotions felt out of control and all today it's been on my mind just bothering me extensively.

I can already see a lot of the responses you guy's will give, I know it's dumb and pretty pathetic I'm even still not over this girl.. after everything that happened, how short the relationship was and everything associated with it.

Well over the past 6 months I've come to the conclusion that I have major issues when it comes to relationships, I allow most women I date or have dated to walk all over me. I pretty much define nice guy in a nutshell... I go to bars twice a week and typically have little to no luck with the women I meet.. I mostly hardly approach women and the women I have gone on dates with absolutely nothing has happened (probably gone on 6 or 7 dates in the past year) I exercised doing extremely difficult workout programs for more or less 6-7 months straight to boost my confidence, this has without a doubt helped as I look and feel much better but it just does not seem to be enough..

I just can't seem to shake this girl, even going out yesterday for father's day we went to a restaurant with my family. Last time I was there she came with us, it just happens she comes up in my mind no matter what I seem to do.

I get thoughts in my head of attempting to contact or meet up with this girl in person. Even though I know it's not ever going to be what it once was... it's like I have some hope in the back of my mind maybe this could work out somehow.. 3 times in the past month I've received these odd instant messages from her. One was a direct connect, usually for sending pictures, another was a bunch of | | | symbols at like 3am and then again just a '.' period. I know she has a laptop she leaves under the bed and a cat so I thought maybe they were just mistakes.. it just seemed so coincidental to happen 3 times when it was not happening at all months before. Granted I should probably block her, I didn't want to block her then give her some other means of thinking "why did he block me I wonder?" then really try to contact me... I don't know.

I guess reading over this, I don't know what to expect from all of this. During my initial NC I posted a lot in an online journal and made everything private only for my own eyes to just 'get out' what I was feeling and it seems to help and keep a burden off bothering my friends about the situation.. I decided to come post here instead of doing something dumb like trying to talk to her just like I did back in January.

I guess the bigger thing with me and relationships is I've dated many many women, mostly all shorter relationships, I've slept with and gone on many dates.. easily over 50 from online or in person.. most online (been using online dating for 7 years) and she is one of the only girls I've ever felt like this about. If you read my other threads, I talk about my first love.. this girl it took me 3 years to completely be over and just be 'ok' to talk to.. I've pretty much come to the conclusion I may be in the same situation with this girl...

I guess I don't know what I expect for replies if any at all.. I just kind of needed to get this out, maybe someone can share a similar experience. Am I doing the right thing? It kills me sometimes to just act like this person is literally 'dead' in my mind.. I mean in all reality I've tried so hard to stick to NC she could have died and I wouldn't have even known about it.

You've been doing the right thing following NC, you've done a better job at it than me... I admire that... I came out of a situation where over the course of 8 years I tried working things out with a girl who was I guess my first "love" and I was the only guy she loved, 2 of the 4 times were in the past year... If I would've stuck with NC between the 3rd and 4th time I wouldn't have to endure any of this...

Basically without going on too much about my own situation... things will remind you of her, you'll miss her, it'll creep up on you at the most odd times even after you feel you've completey forgot about her... but you have to stay strong and remain NC, and if she ever comes crawling back for GODS SAKES Don't ACKNOWLEDGE HER... not even as a friend, I learned this all too well, since every time in my situation SHE came back to me and I had never tried to contact her, and we were 'friends' but that quickly reverted into a relationship... it just never works


If you read my other threads, I talk about my first love.. this girl it took me 3 years to completely be over and just be 'ok' to talk to.. I've pretty much come to the conclusion I may be in the same situation with this girl...

So stop yourself here, look at what you just said... your first love, and you may be in the same situation with this girl... stop and really think about that for a second here... That girl that it took 3 years to get over, eventually you DID get over her, why would you want to put yourself in that situation again? If anything by meeting this girl you proved that there is hope even after you had feelings like that for someone, you should know now that you can and will meet another person you love, whether it takes a month, 6 months or years, you will meet them... I wear my heart on my sleeve like you and tend to get deep into things fast, its nor a strength nor a weakness really its just part of who we are... but don't let it get the best of you... come on SIX months, do not ruin it now...



It kills me sometimes to just act like this person is literally 'dead' in my mind..


It's going to, but that person is basically dead to you, they have no part of your life and no bearing on what you do... It's the past to you now and you need to focus on yourself and your future and not care one bit about them... if you want a good reason why, re-read part of what you just said


She pretty much told me how little I seemed to mean to her and pretty much admitted the guy she had left me for she loved more then she did me.. this devastated me.. I attempted to call her to talk at the time and she was so disrespectful about the situation she wouldn't even pickup the phone for me and pretty much made it clear I was not all that important to her.

Why would you want to give your heart or any piece of mind to a person who ever acted like that to you?


I get thoughts in my head of attempting to contact or meet up with this girl in person. Even though I know it's not ever going to be what it once was... it's like I have some hope in the back of my mind maybe this could work out somehow..

Do not meet up with her, don't even attempt to try and see her... do not text/call/chat with her, nothing... that thought in your head is delusional because your grasping onto what once was... As I said I thought the same thing as you, 3 different times in 8 years after the first time we were together... It will NEVER work... what always happens is you get back together, your happy for that old familiarity for a little while and then things just collapse again and you remember why it didn't work the first time... do yourself a favour and stick to what you've been doing, forget her


Please take this from an OCD sufferer who went through so much emotional damage attempting four times with a girl who loves him and I love her back, the emotions real, but if things do not work they will not ever work... and having any type of contact, even years later, with someone you were like that with... will only lead to bad things, as in starting as friends then it jumping back into relationship mode and you getting hurt again... There are some people you keep out of your life forever for a reason, and this person happens to be one of those people to you... Your doing very good, keep going

Well you are spot on, I mean I've been going strong for this much time. Last time my emotions got stirred up I became weak and contacted her.. it made me feel so much worse after too. That's kind of why I came here. I just thought if I got out how I was feeling I'd be able to hold myself together this time around. All in all I'd like to think when I go on dates and hangout with new women I do not think about her, but when nothing happens there always still seems to be the thought of her being the last person I truly had any feelings with and had any strong emotions for. I'm going to continue what I've been doing and just hope it passes, thanks for the time reading through my post.

Well there was a reason I didn't want to merge these threads.. my ex reads them. I didn't even want to post here in the first place I just didn't know what else to do.

Do what you said you would do, get on with your life, and stop worrying about your ex.

And lets be real here if we can, if you were worried so much about your ex reading what you have written, you wouldn't have referenced the other threads you had under another name.

The merging was not for you, but to give understanding and facts that are important to giving you the best, and most honest feedback possible. Thats what the site is about, and your last post, should clearly show you that its you that have been torturing and questioning yourself all this time.

It started as a control thing, using NC to force her to miss you, and reconcile with her. Of course that was doomed to fail, and it did. And when it did, you really got hurt by what she did about it. Geez, what did you expect? Now here we are with you dealing with the fallout of your actions, and trying to cope with those intense feelings that linger.

I highly suggest and hope, you start giving YOUR actions a lot of in depth thought before you act, because you are quite capable of acting on your feelings and following a very broken heart of your own making. But that's what true NC is about, YOU healing, and dealing with YOURSELF, so you can gain clarity of thought, and make better decisions for yourself, based on FACTS, and not just FEELINGS. That was your first mistake last year, thinking you could use NC to get her back, and gave no thought to the healing process. Just what you wanted.

You may be starting from scratch now, but see it as an opportunity to do it right, and have patience as you go through the healing process, so things WILL get better, instead of this undefined course of actions that have made this whole thing an unnecessary torture that you are perpetrating on yourself.

You CAN do better if your willing to take a few suggestions. That starts with reading the stickies (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/) at the beginning of this forum. It will help you heal the correct way, to not only get clarity of thought, but some insights on how to cope with your own feelings, in some very positive ways, so you can deal with the hard realities of life, that now blind you.

Thanks for the reply, I have read the stickies and I understand that I've made mistakes. I realize I can't keep living in the past and I can only move forward knowing what I've experienced and learn from it. I suspect I could be in this same situation one day again, a girl tries to break up with me. I understand how to handle the situation better next time around.

In the back of my mind I know this will pass because I HAVE been here before, I just know time heals so I'm going to continue to be patient and keep trying to stay positive.