Ugh the mid thirties are rough. Everyone around me says emotional turbulence is not uncommon. Is it hormonal, metaphysical?

Here goes with my situation: I am plagued by an unrelenting impulse to contact an ex from oh like, 15 years ago. I am married 6 years to a great guy. Probably the only problem in our marriage is my own strong need for freedom and independence which he handles pretty well. Not a lot of men would.

I can’t figure out if I want to reach out to some men in my past out of some desperate need to escape having children?? I suspect I have serious panic about having children with my husband (his family is very dysfunctional and that is always an issue in our marriage-the only thing we fight about) and the impending reality may be really throwing me off. He claims in moments of appeasement he doesn’t need children but I know that’s not true. He wants them. I obviously have issues about being a mother, which is what I see as a nail in the coffin for me as an individual. I have a phobia about closing the door to past relationships for some reason. I’ve had illness around me in my life and also 9/11 affected me greatly and I am draped in an untimely sense that life is short and there should be no compromises or regrets. I reached out to an ex (there’s only 2 significant in my life) and that went really well. No residual romance. We met up, he’s happy, I’m happy for him, etc. The other one, I feel is the one and only person I ever fell in love with. I was in my twenties at the time, crazy, unsettled so it was not the time for us. I was in the middle of school and he just got out, trying to make a life for himself and we were in two different states. Nonetheless, our relationship was intense with industrial-strength chemistry and a bit immature. There was an absence of sexuality. I think he has issues around that but not of intimacy. We both were madly in love with each other but at the time it seemed to have an ill-fated quality to it. We never consummated the relationship…probably the only one I ever wanted to with. What is going on with me? I feel like these impulses are unstoppable. I know the deal: it’s irresponsible to contact exes with no game plan and I’m truly not interested in screwing up his life…if he were to respond.

You sound almost unhappy in your marriage because of the "child" issue. I would suggest you both go to a marriage counselor/clergy and have a third (disinterested) party mediate your discussions about having children.

I think it is common to want closure to any relationship. In this case, I think you should have gotten it before you married your husband. It almost sounds like you are caught up in the memory of an unconsummated love. That the Romance Story qualities of the relationship are making it seem greater in hind-sight than it really is. I would be concerned that the reality would turn a great story into a bitter regret.

Does your husband know about your need for closure? How does he feel about you meeting up with the ex?

All very good points and thoughts which I agree on. It's a matter of risk really, balancing the memory aspect with reality but you don't know until you know... we have a pretty trusting and open marriage, except when it comes to exes. He would not be happy about my thoughts or actions. Its been my experience that most men are jealous and to a certain degree, possessive (just my experience). I will not go there with him. He's not that open. I do believe all of us have certain feelings and emotions that only belong to ourselves and I hold on to that right and I don't believe for a second men don't have those thoughts either. Either way, I want to be smart about my actions. I'm spontaneous but not irrational. Want to do the right thing so that's why I'm seeking constructive feedback. Thank you.

Having those thoughts and acting on them are two different things.

You seem to have already made up your mind about what you want to do. I can't make that decision for you. I can only give my opinion that you should think about all reprecussions not just if the ex will or won't contact you.

If your husband would be hurt if he found out, would the closure still be worth it?

Please think past "He won't find out-He didn't last time" line of reasoning. Things like this have a habit of coming out when you don't expect them to.

Marriage can get to be routine and perhaps you are seeking a way to spice it up with a fantasy from the past.

Nothing truly Bad ever happened with the ex so it is fairly easy to look at the relationship with rose colored glasses.Giving it a status that it may not deserve in reality.

It was good and there was this wonderful chemistry but there was also your youth and the relationship was never truly tested so it has a quality that is appealing.As a fantasy.

I think people tread on dangerous ground when they look up old flames,especially when the chemistry was hot.

I would stay away as you never know what kind of Pandora's box you could be opening.

Parimenopause (sp)

Definition
By Mayo Clinic staff

Perimenopause marks the interval in which your body begins its transition into menopause. Perimenopause encompasses the years leading up to menopause — anywhere from two to eight years — plus the first year after your final period. It's a natural part of aging that signals the ending of your reproductive years.

Your estrogen level rises and falls unevenly during perimenopause. Your menstrual cycles may lengthen or shorten, and you begin having menstrual cycles in which you don't ovulate. It's only during cycles when you do ovulate that you can become pregnant.

When perimenopause starts and how long it lasts varies. You'll probably notice signs of impending menopause, such as menstrual irregularity, sometime in your 40s. But some women notice changes as early as their mid-30s.

I was astounded to read your post, because I found myself in a very similar situation. Now, entering my mid-thirties, I feel as though the time is running out, and nothing is to be left for regrets. I have contacted my ex from 10 years ago too, thinking , that I would rather do it, - even if for no real purpose or outcome, - rather than spend the next 10 years regretting not doing so, when I should have. Nonetheless, it caused me a lot of anxiety and guilt, because I kept it from my current partner.
I also have a growing sense of disinterest in my current relationship and that my ex was my one true love, and during the one year we were together I felt more, than throughout the entire seven years of my current relationship. I have no good explanation to this, other than to chug it to the hormones, or growing sense of our aging/ mortality, which makes the unfinished business of the past to bubble up; or idolizing our youth and freedom.
I hope your decision to re-initiate contact lead to good things. Or, if you decided to remain in your marriage, you have by now found peace and fulfillment.