What do I do? I have been following the NC rule like a monk for the past couple of days. I've been going out with friends, focusing on my studies, but every time my phone rings, my heart jumps up to my throat in the hope that my ex is calling. It has only been a few days, so I do not know what to expect. My question is, what happens if my ex calls late at night, especially during the weekends? I go to Uni, and sometimes our standard operating procedure was that we would call each other after going out with friends to hook up. How would I handle the late night ex booty call? My guess would be to ignore it.

And how do you stop thinking about her, or wondering what she is doing? Should I even be this affected by this relationship? I am only 21 years old.

You should definitely IGNORE THE CALL. Don't keep going back to her if you broke up. You should be moving forward not back.

To stop thinking about her, go out with friends, concentrate on work or school, go to the gym, or whatever else to stay busy and keep your mind occupied.

You should not worry about what she is doing, because you are not in her life anymore. You have your own life and need to build it with out her.

Also, a little background. This seems like the fourth time we've broken up or had a major argument in the past 2 months. We now argue all the time. I'm sick of this. It seems like the girl doesn't want a boyfriend at all, but a yo-yo instead. I want to completely heal and move on, and I've made that conscious decision. Sometimes I have moments of weakness and start thinking about her. Another part of me thinks, "Dude, you're only 21. Your life hasn't even started yet".

My friends think I can do better looks-wise, however I am very attached to the way she looks. I also think that they are trying to boost my self-esteem. They do say that she was quite the "little ", treating me like a puppy dog. However, she was the first intense sexual relationship I've had. Granted, I've had flings and hookups, but never in a long-term relationship. My friends joke that I must have been doing something right in bed because she kept coming back to me. I just get the feeling that I'm always a back up plan. I don't want to be "owned" by anyone. I want (and need) to grow a pair and move on.

Rule Number .50 - NEVER talk to your ex right after a break up when you are drunk! NEVER. It will be extremely bad news. What I did, for awhile until I gave her my number, was change my number. For a month I knew there was no way she could get ahold of me, so it took the 'what ifs' right out.

Second question: How do you avoid being "owned" like I was in this relationship? I want to know because I felt like I deserved to be treated with more respect in this relationship.

You and me both man. I think it comes down to just have respect and confidence in yourself. I was 'owned' and really treated like dirt a lot because I didn't think that I deserved her... or that I was lucky to have her, but never did I think she was lucky to have me, until we broke up. It all comes down to how you view yourself.

Turn your phone off.

Especially if you are out with your friends... You don't need to know who is calling you.

Turn it off when you go to bed so you won't get the late night call.

Just turn it off!

How do you avoid being "owned" like I was in this relationship
Its real simple fellas, you never put any one on a higher pedestal than yourself. Big mistake to love them, more than you love yourself.

talaniman; Big mistake to love them, more than you love yourself. -

I always thought the opposite, i thought that love is all about loving someone more than anything and just make sure you know how to balance the two. BUT I guess I was wrong, I didn't do too well balancing and gave a little too much, which left me with a broken heart.

No, it makes sense to me. This all would have been prevented if I had set boundries. People will treat you how you let them treat you. Respect is essential in any relationship: Friendship or otherwise.

And if they don't respect you, why would you want to have them around? In the beginning, I thought she did respect me, but then as time progressed, I handed over the reigns to my life to her. Started doing things because she wanted to. I lost myself. I realized this as soon as I wasn't able to stand arguing with her. I used to be fun and charming. People loved to hang out/drink with me. I let her suck all the good qualities right out of me. But you know what, time is the only real currency in life, and it's not worth going back to this one. I'm 21 years old. Time to live.

My problem that I'm worried about is that I know I'm not entirely there. If I see her around or hear from her, I know I'll self-destruct. It's only been 2-3 days since the breakup. How do I cope? Do I stay away from places where she 'might' be at just to avoid her altogether? I'm not ready to talk to her yet, let alone see her with another guy. Luckily, we share very few mutual friends: My friends think she's a bit of a drag.

Other news: I'm on the crew team and I have a race tomorrow in the bitter, bitter cold. Is there any trick to being able to fall asleep soundly without using pills? I need to finally get a good night's rest in.

Tylenol PM is awesome (yes, I know they are pills, but they are non addictive). At any rate, No Contact means NO CONTACT. You don't so much as look at a picture of her. Avoid ANYWHERE you think she may be. Do this until you are ready to face reality.

She didn't call last night. What does that mean?

Also, is it normal for me to want to go out and have fun to "outdo" the ex? Like have more fun? I know binge drinking and drugs are bad ideas. I wasn't able to go out last night because of the race today, so I kept thinking about her while trying to sleep.

Threads merged

I have been one week no contact so far. Honestly, I expected my ex to call me during the weekend. She didn't. We've been doing the breaking up/getting back together thing, which was very emotionally and physically draining on both of us. However, she would always call me within 3-5 days. I still miss her terribly. Does this mean that she has moved on with her life and that it is over? Is it normal for me to worry about all this in this stage of the breakup?

I'm 21 years old, if that helps. She is 20. Both of us are in Uni.

You need to move on... what she does isn't really important. The poing of no contact isn't to see who wins the battle of wills, it is to get your mind cleared. You guys have no reason to get back together considering your relationship has been built around breaking up and getting back together. That is no recipe for a successful relationship. Keep on with the no contact so you can get over this.

I agree with kctiger... even if she does call you, do you really want to go through this again... and again... and again? This must be your first broken heart and I know it hurts but you need to move on. How long have you and your girlfriend been together? The longer the relationship, the harder to break, the harder it is to move on... maybe tell us a bit more about why you guys broke up?

See from personal experience... I started dating my husband when I was 16. We dated for 6 years before we got married and we broke up a few times too... depending on how serious you guys are and what the circumstances are I can tell you that she could be afraid of her own emotions or that she is just not sure where the relationship will end up. Sometimes it could be she met someone and wants to try them out (on an intellectual base) or maybe you guys don't give each other enough breathing space to allow the relationship to grow. I never realized how many times I broke his heart but I really needed time to digest my own feelings and have some alone time or time with friends... to this day my husband and I are still attached to the hip we always where but not everyone or every relationship is alike. If this is a pattern, she will call you back but I can tell you one thing... being friends is harder then it seems so keep your chin up and let us know a bit more.

Ok: here goes.

We started dating last year, around this time of the year. We even did the long distance thing while we went home for the summer (we live very far away). We came back, and I was very excited to see her, but she was very stand-offish. She said she needed space. After begging and chasing her for a week, I let off and gave her space. She eventually came back (3 weeks or so), saying that she needed the space to "re-adjust" to the new school year, different building she lives in, her new roomates, etc. She was always in contact with me during that time, wanting to come over to "hang out".

After all this blew over, I found out that during the break she hooked up with another person. I didn't know how to feel about this, as I did the same thing, but I always wanted her. I broke it off with her when I found out about it. Then we later (in a matter of days) got back together again.

The cycle continued. She was very stand-offish and had "mysterious" calls in which she would take in private when we would hang out. Also, we would fight a lot. We used to go out together on the weekends, but this time was now dedicated to her friends, which hate me. My friends aren't too fond of my ex either. They think she is playing games with me.

This last breakup was probably for good. She said that this was emotionally and physically draining, to which I agreed. It wasn't fun like it used to be. She also said that what she wanted and what she thought was right were two different things. She said she wanted me, to work things out, but she didn't think there was any hope of that (the yo-yo thing went on for about 3 months.). She said that we've been both trying very hard. I really didn't want to let her go at the time, and I called her back later that night to talk to her about it. She did not change her mind, and I haven't talked to her since. I kind of agree with her "this is the right thing to do", but I just miss her very much.

BTW, we have an english class together next semester. 2 months. Will I be able to pull myself together by then?

Since your 21 let me warn you... DO NOT DRINK AWAY THE PAIN. I use pain for a reason. Break up do hurt. Physically and emotionally. Take this time to reflect what could have gone wrong to cause this. Do not go calling or texting or messaging her. If she comes around deal with it then but do not count on it. Treat it as if it is over. Sometimes it helps to look at it as the person no longer exist. Cherish the memories and Embrace the future.

The above post is right on. The way I look at it, and I have known my ex for five years (dated for four 1/2), she is dead to me. It sounds harsh, but I don't care. I have to do WHATEVER I have to do to heal myself, and that is what matters. Erase her from your life, completely. The relationship (what little there was) is not meant to be right now... or ever.

Awww, long distance relationships never work... well in some rare cases I guess. There is a lot going on then she is telling you, she is seeing someone, her friends are influencing her and she has no emotional reserve left for you. She stated how she felt and honestly loose the pictures, cards, trinkets and phone number/e-mail. Do not respond to her calls... move on and do it whole heartedly because it is your time to internalize and rationalize your emotions. If you guys get back together it will get worse and two months will ease the pain but for a one year relationship I would say about 3 - 4 months but I don't know what kind of a person you are everyone deals with things different. For the times of bordom... those are the times you will reflect the most on your ex so keep busy and try to have fun with your guy friends.

As far as the class goes I'll advise you to attempt to change it if at all possible. Not because you should avoid her and what happened but because it very well could impact your ability to do good in that class.

That is also a very good point. I'll see if I can fanagle it. Part of me wants to prove to myself that I can still function and that she will have no impact on the rest of my life. I don't want to "run away" from it all by avoiding events/classes/parties just because I might see her there.

I know that at the beginning stage this avoiding is necessary. I would probably self-destruct if I see her now. Especially if she was with a guy.

That is also a very good point. I'll see if I can fanagle it. Part of me wants to prove to myself that I can still function and that she will have no impact on the rest of my life. I don't want to "run away" from it all by avoiding events/classes/parties just because I might see her there.

I know that at the beginning stage this avoiding is necessary. I would probably self-destruct if I see her now. Especially if she was with a guy.

Its not about avoiding her man. If you feel you can function in there with your mind constantly racing about her then go for it. But I know if It were me I'd be curious etc. Don't avoid social events instead you should be doing them more then ever. Its not about adjusting your life to avoid her. Don't. But on the same page don't adjust your schedule to see her.

You need to recover and I bet it will be difficult to do that if she is constantly around you.

What if I sit in the front row so I don't even have to see her?

Also, when do people normally get over the "she hasn't called me stage?" You know, the stage where you wonder what she's doing, who she's with. You check your phone constantly. She conditioned me to expect a call even when we were broken up before.

My friends tell me that she isn't as affected by the breakup as I am, and "moved on" over the weekend (used the euphemism).

BTW, this class would knock out two of my requirements to graduate. I almost have to take this class.

BTW, this class would knock out two of my requirements to graduate. I almost have to take this class.

If you can handle keep going. Still time until that class so if you keep your head up and out of her business you will be fine.

I agree. The reason for my friends telling me this was to give me a wake-up call I think. They see me sulking around and they're like "she's not sulking over you at all. In fact, she's living it up. You should be doing the same".

I think they're right.

Threads merged

Ok, here's the skinny. My ex and I were in the on-again off-again phase in which we couldn't stand each other while we were together earlier this semester. We dated since last year. She started by breaking it off earlier in the year, but then later came back after I laid out NC for awhile. However, it was never the same after the "innocence" of the relationship was lost. It was a "yo-yo" relationship. We fought constantly. She is 19, I am 21. We are both in university. I would describe her as "young and foolish, which makes her easy". However, I still feel that she is one of the more beautiful girls on campus (possible attachment?).

Now to brass tacks: We have been broken up for a little less than a month. Since then, I've been getting involved with Crew (rowing), ballroom dance (3-1 girl/guy ratio), and hanging out with friends/ enjoying college. Girls are now interested in me as I am the funny/outgoing/sometimes crass guy I was before I started dating the ex. I feel like I am making progress towards moving on, but when I find myself alone, especially at night, I get pangs of loneliness and wonder what my ex is up to/ feeling etc. I have passed the angry pissed off stage, and am beginning to truly accept that it is over.

I have an English class with her next semester (January). I plan on taking this class as it fulfills two requirements for me to graduate. I do not wish to drop this course at all. However, I am worried that my performance in the class might suffer with her presence. I plan on sitting in the front row so that I do not have to see her at all. Do any of you have any experience in this situation, or possibly one where you still have to work with your ex? What would you advise me to do in this situation? Thank you for your help.

Learn to focus, and get some clarity as to your public behavior around your ex. Brief, and busy, polite and friendly, about the personal contact. That's always been my view.

Staying busy with your life without her, and time will get you through.

Most of the time what we perceive as a problem, really isn't as bad as our minds make it, so don't worry about January, until you have finished with November, and December.

Ok update: It's been a little more than 3 weeks now of NC. Who would've thought I would have lasted this long? Har har.

Crew has been keeping me busy, 2-a-day practices in the erg room. Rough. But, I'm getting ripped. Not huge ripped, but like a lean, mean greyhound ripped (lightweight).

I have been getting attention from girls, but only from ones that I'm not really interested in. Is this normal to be really picky after a breakup? I don't want a relationship for awhile... need to get my life in order.

I've stopped bugging my friends about the whole ex situation. It is hopeless, and over. I've accepted that. I disclosed what happened to my family after thanksgiving. They said that what happened was that everyone commented on how beautiful the girl was, and I took that as an aspect of myself. That made me put up with a lot of bullstuff near the end. It was probably mostly my fault I got hurt so much near the end.

My ex wished me a happy thanksgiving via text. Twice, as if she wasn't sure if I got the message. I didn't text her back. Did I make a mistake? Text said "I just wanted to say happy thanksgiving." I felt like I did the right thing rather than open up a new can of worms. Been there done that.

Haha so my crazy aunt claimed she can read cards. I love her to death. However, she read my cards over thanksgiving, saying that the ex will not leave me alone for another ten months. Yikes. She isn't really barging down the doors, just the one holiday wish. However, I do have class with her next semester. Plus, there's always christmas and new years. Things could get interesting.

Recently I've been getting pangs of loneliness. Most of the pain is gone, but there are sometimes where I catch myself thinking about her, and wondering if she feels the same way about me. Then I smack myself. All right, so it hurts a little still, but not nearly as much as near the beginning

I just don't want to see her anytime soon. I've been making some pretty good progress lately. This post is more of me venting, but you are more than welcome to give me any insightful advice, as it is always appreciated. Much love, and I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

~Yoso

Isn't it funny how three weeks can take us from wanting someone to not wanting that pain anymore. Good for you. This is what NC is all about. I also received a Thanksgiving message from my ex... you did good.. no reply... I replied with a little "don't eat too much"... but all is good for both of us.

Those little pains will continue for a while. What's happening is the bad memories are being replaced... of course the remaining pain in your heart will hurt... you'll notice it more. Soon... it too will be gone.

There is nothing wrong with being picky. You have now received your first broken heart... and you now know a little better how to pick better partners. No contact can be a life safer for someone suffering from a broken heart... but they have to suffer through a few weeks of hard times.

Haha ex's will do that. I like your signature by the way. I think that a relationship doesn't have to be successful to be meaningful... i.e. You take out of it what you will. In my relationship, I made the mistake of putting her first in my life. Mistake Realized. Points Lost. But I'm moving on and gaining them back. Good luck to you in getting those "points" back brother.

be the bigger person and find someone else.

I was in a long distance relationship with my first ex whom left me for her "single life" of partying, drinking with friends, finding "new friends", and stupid sh*t. For me, it was REALLY hard to move on and what cycles in my mind is "I will be the one standing strong in the future."

Second ex left me cause her mom didn't approve and she hooked up with another guy who lives in South Carolina.

I took the action and cut all ties with her.

Keep this quote in mind:

"That's one small step for man. That's one giant leap for mankind."

You can choose to be the man for the mankind.

Well, to clarify my relationship wasn't all long distance. We dated about 6 months in college together, lived like 5 min walk away from each other. Then we went separate ways for the summer. We visited each other twice. Then we came back, and that's when started hitting the fan. She wanted her independence. I backed off. She came back. It lasted about a month. On-and-off for another month.

I think it's better to move on than to try to fix something that's inherently broken. She realized that first, and left me in the dust. But I realize now that she is not the one for me, and any more effort and time put into trying to make it work would be a waste. I have stopped trying to rationalize or wonder why. It doesn't really matter at this point, and it only gives me negative emotions. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

I don't hate her, or her sex. I am not a chauvenist, and I do have hope of finding someone in the future. However, I am in no rush. It'll just happen. Until then, I have to become a more balanced person: Academics, fitness, friends, hobbies, etc.

Oh, and she wasn't officially dating someone else on the side when the poop started hitting the fan, but she was "seeing" someone, or "talking", whatever the terminology is. When I found this out, and how much it hurt me, I vowed that I do not want to know anything else about her business. It will only hurt me in the future. It also further cemented the fact that she is not the one for me.

Do I feel betrayed? Absolutely. However, once you get past that, she did me a favor right there. I saw her true colors (just not at the time!). I don't hate her, but I know she's not the one for me.

Oh, and she wasn't officially dating someone else on the side when the poop started hitting the fan, but she was "seeing" someone, or "talking", whatever the terminology is. When I found this out, and how much it hurt me, I vowed that I do not want to know anything else about her business. It will only hurt me in the future. It also further cemented the fact that she is not the one for me.

Do I feel betrayed? Absolutely. However, once you get past that, she did me a favor right there. I saw her true colors (just not at the time!). I don't hate her, but I know she's not the one for me.

I know D:

I think OP was directing that one to me :). Well it appears that you have taken the correct steps and moved forward. I am pleased to hear how well you have been doing and evidently there is some major progress. You sound like such a smart guy and honestly, its her loss... besides you deserve someone who treats you well. You should always put yourself first but still can be considerate and a gentlemen. Women like a man with a sense of dignity, pride, confidence and self respect... and more importantly, a guy that knows what he wants and has the drive to get it.

Best of luck with everything.

True. I made that mistake. In the future, however, things will be different ;). I'm not going to turn into an a**hole like some others do, but I will definitely be more self-aware of my needs and wants. Mistakes are there to educate you... the hard way!

Thank you xoxoaprilwine for your encouragement.

When a girl tells you she needs space, it means it's over! Cut all forms of communication, unless you want more beating from her. Disappear from this girl and move on.

Hey guys; I have another update.

I met an awesome girl last night, and really hit things off with her. Am I planning on dating anyone else? No, not really. However, once you take your "ex significant other" blinders off and realize that there are many more wonderful ladies and gentlemen in the world, it helps. A lot.

I was the king of smooth. I pretty much did everything right. I was awesome last night.

I am almost at 100 percent capacity again. Sometimes I'll have pangs of the ex, but usually I just shrug them off and go do something productive. The breakup definitely forced me to get out of the "comfort zone", which I found out that was the main reason I tried to win her back in the first place. Once you get out of your comfort zone, you realize that you can conquer the world. You are fearless.

I write this to you who have no hope of the future and are still trying to win back the ex that doesn't want you anymore: Do not go back. Do not lower yourself anymore. Look at yourself in the mirror, and take pride in that person. Smile at yourself. Laugh at all your past mistakes. Learn from them. Improve yourself. Then go out and meet someone new.

Suck some face.

Amazing how we see things differently later. Enjoy your freedom.

Hey all. Another update.

Finals week is here, and I just want to get them over so I can spend some quality time with my friends and family.

There has been no updates from the ex. I've been busy making friends, and I'm not waiting around.

However, after I'm all done with my school work and everything, there is this "black dog" that kind of sneaks up on me whenever I'm in bed about to go to sleep, and it really interrupts my sleeping cycle. I keep thinking about what-if's, and if my ex expects me to call her. I know for a fact this is not the case, but it seems like I go back a couple of steps.

Is there any remedy for this? I was making some very good progress. Or is this something that will occaisonally come up once in awhile?

Some days are better than others. Some days I don't even think about her.

I guess in the back of my mind I wish she still thought of me sometimes. Self destructive behavior?

Final post of the day: YouTube - Mason Jennings - Crown - Bonnaroo 2008 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbaSxyGeivw)

You will have thoughts, and urges, and feelings of regret for a while, but they will fade with time, and doing the things you enjoy.

Good luck with finals.

Recent update: The ex called.

I was taking a nap because I had been studying for exams all night, and the phone was ringing. Not expecting the ex, I answered it without looking at what the phone number was.

"Hello? How are you...blah blah. Do you want to maybe hangout before winter break?"

Guerilla tactics. I wasn't prepared for this. I asked her why.

"Just to talk. You know, to catch up."

I said no, that I disagree, and that would be a bad idea.

She kept pushing, so the whole conversation deteriorated. I found out that she "thinks she might have made a mistake" in walking out on me... twice... and that "she doesn't really know what she wants right now."

Before, I would have thought that I had a pretty good chance. Now that I know that this is her standard operating procedure, I knew she was toying with me, for whatever reason.

I chuckled to myself. Just like day 1.

Then I finally realized, this will never change, at least with this girl. I disappear for a month, ignore some phone calls, and she wants to "kinda" pull me back in. But not enough to be begging or pleading for me to come back to her. We end up getting semi-apprehensive toward each other, then I say goodbye before the wrath welling up in my chest came out over the phone.

She texts a few seconds later that she just "missed me and wanted to talk". I told her she should get back to studying. She said "yeah, have a nice break ****"

I said "you too.".

"See you in English class next semester" -ex
"Sure will" -Me

Guerilla tactics. Never leave yourself open to an attack.

A setback, albeit a minor one.

I am right in interpreting this, right? I would like a second opinion.

Next time you should look at your phone before picking it up! I don't know how many times I hear that excuse... I just picked it up without looking at it... so she won that round. I think you handled it decently. Keep it short and quick, not rude but to the point, if you come up in this situation. Seems to me like you have done a lot of growing up and are actually healing well, as you know her usual tactics of pulling you back in, and you are not letting her ride on them. My advice, however, is next time, make sur you look at your phone. I could be in coma, wake up, and I will look at my phone before I pick it up. Carry on :)

The very fact that you knew what was happening, and didn't fall for it, even though it was a surprise, shows you are thinking with facts, and not just feelings.

Very well done, acting in your own interest, and keeping your dignity, and self respect, in tact.

You made my day.

Nice job, you handled that very well! You should be proud of yourself and a minor setback or two will happen

Yes sir. I plan on spending some quality time with friends and family over this winter holiday... away from my phone. It seems like the holidays are the season for "ex encounters".

I do have plans for a very wild new years with some very attractive ladies. And the usual gang of idiots. We'll see what happens. I'm doing all right.

My friends even made comments about how much more fun I was now that I wasn't dating the ex anymore. She is poison. Hisssss.

In all honesty though, I look forward to the day where she finds someone else and leaves me alone. There's too much baggage in the relationship for us to even be friends.

Well done man... you are a motivation for others. Keep on going, and have a great holiday

Good work ! Sneaky but you didn't fall for it =D

Yeah! Well done! It looks as if your doing pretty well in this situation and nothings better then that! :D I'm proud of you!

Dude... LET IT GO.

Update: About 6-7-8 weeks after breakup.

Hey boys and girls. I'm just updating what has happened for the past 3 weeks. Overall, the weeks have been good. The ex-girlfriend kept pestering over winter break, and I finally gave in and picked her up from the airport when I got to school. She took me out to dinner, and things were going OK.

She tells me how much she wants to be with me and so forth... however I was extremely unhappy. She even begged. But I couldn't shake the thought of her breaking up with me many times previously in the year, and also that I was doing quite well on my own. However, I gave in again and gave it another go. It seemed that as soon as I started trying, everything shifted. Literally, within a matter of 7 days.

This was exactly one week ago. I myself was unsure of where this was going, and asked her to think on it, as I would as well. We called each other the following day (today). I said that I was unsure of our future together, and she said the same.

My points where that I probably couldn't ever trust her the same way, and that I would always think that she would split the relationship, like she had in the past. I also acknowledged that we had different value systems. Her value systems included carefree fun and things. She spends lots of money on personal items. I myself find that loyalty (friends, girlfriends, family, teammates) is the greatest value that I assess friends/lovers with, and that she hasn't really been dependable. I am also in a field of study where the big money isn't, but it is what I love to do.

Her points where that she was "afraid of breaking up in the future, and wouldn't continue the relationship if she thought it wouldn't work out.... because it hurt too much".

She was the one to break up with me... always.

Am I missing something? What was her point of trying to get back together?

I think that she saw me doing pretty well, and wanted to put her two cents worth. My friends say this "cycle" will never end if I don't stand up for myself and never let her back into my life. What do you all think?

This isn't really as "earth shattering" of an impact as the first breakup was. I was braced for the impact. I know I made a mistake. Any help from you all would be greatly accepted.

She said she didn't exactly "think it through" when she wanted to get back together, and her attitude totally changed in a matter of 24 hours. On the phone, she was the coldest I have ever heard her, and she broke up with me 3 times before.

Someone give me a slap in the face.

First of all I would definitely say move on... I myself am 20 and a female so let me give you my point of view and hopefully it will help

Number one it seems to be a bad habit of women to want a ex to always want her and it is very disturbing to thing they may have moved on... so for most not all but for most us females when we think you are doing fine without us or you begin to date again we want you back then when you come back we don't want you but we know your feelings are still strong it's a tease is all...

And the more you ignor her more then likely the more it is going to drive her up a wall... but she is definitely playing games after so many times of going back and forth she should honestly know whether she wants to be with you or not it doesn't take a million break ups to determine I don't think its going to work... forget her it seems your doing good so far but you don't have to avoid her juss know your limits to how long you can be around her being around her for 2 months straight... not good protect yourself she would do the same and good luck!

That does make a lot of sense. But why would she try so hard to get me back? I didn't make it easy...

I set up a date for my semi formal long before she contacted me to get back together. Yea, I was kind of suckered in, but I could tell that she was jealous about me taking another girl to my semi-formal. I didn't rub it in her face or anything, just stated that matter-of-factly when she asked.

Anyhow, you're right. This was just one big game, and not even close to a relationship. However, I'm glad that she thought things over and saw that this wasn't going anywhere.

I have to admit, it still hurts, maybe even more so than it did before. Sometimes I think it would be easier to still be together, even though I really wasn't happy. But in the end, I know it's for the best. I didn't (after a long period of reflecting after the first breakup) see a future in us either.

As of now, I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I am not ready for a relationship with anyone, including her. I just want to have fun, and excel in my studies. And make my momma and papa (and all you guys) proud.

Semi formal tonight. Puttin' on the drinkin' panties. (I'm not turning to alcohol, but c'mon, semi-formal is a once-a-year deal.)

She was trying so hard to get you back because she thought there may be a chance that you were moving on... see its OK for her to move on and meet new guys and have you on a leash so when she gets lonely and she can't find a fling you're her backup... she don't want to be tied down but she don't want you to be with anyone because it makes her jealous...

Its good you realize she's playing with your head but don't let her continue to do it or she will ruin a lot of possibly good relationshiop juss be careful and if she tries to contact you and get back together stop and think... am I talking to another girl or with another girl? Could this be why she wants me? Then say sorry I'm with another girl and she wouldn't like it...

Not dating right now would be best your young have fun!! Meet new girls go to parties your only young once and you won't be single forever so live it up... and concentrate on school... good luck!!

True. Is that really what she's doing though? It sounds like she didn't really think it through when we got back together, or that she let her emotions override her thoughts.

What do you think?

first of all i would definitely say move on.....i myself am 20 and a female so let me give you my point of view and hopefully it will help

number one it seems to be a bad habit of women to want a ex to always want her and it is very disturbing to thing they may have moved on...so for most not all but for most us females when we think you are doing fine without us or you begin to date again we want you back then when you come back we dont want you but we know your feelings are still strong its a tease is all....

and the more you ignor her more then likely the more it is gunna drive her up a wall....but she is definitely playing games after so many times of goin back and forth she should honestly know whether she wants to be with you or not it doesnt take a million break ups to determine i dont think its gunna work... forget her it seems your doin good so far but you dont have to avoid her juss know your limits to how long you can be around her being around her for 2 months straight.....not good protect yourself she would do the same and good luck!!



I told you this before I even knew that you was taken another girl to semi formal... so maybe us girls think alike? This isn't the first time you all broke up it's a continuous game... did you tell the girl you didn't want to go to semi formal with her after you got back with you ex? If so then that could be why she " didnt think it through" and no longer wanted to be with you... and if you didn't then once she had you back she realized its not what she wanted... our heads tell us that's what we want juss because some other female is steppin on our territory... we want what we can't have... juss be careful

No, I made plans with this girl for semi-formal, and I wasn't going to break them. Especially because my ex broke up with me. My life doesn't stop when an ex wants to break up.

And we didn't officially get back together. She just took me out to dinner. We were "talking", more or less.

So she never really "had" me in that sense. I was on my toes the whole time.

Whatever, it doesn't matter. You're right, it is just a game. Plus, she's done this like 4 times now in the past 4 months. I'm just tired of this. Being her whipping boy lol. Last night was awesome. Probably the most fun I've had in a long time.

Maybe she can't find another guy that can "measure up" to me, and that's why she keeps coming back.

I don't think she ever will. I mean, she's very beautiful, and does get a lot of attention from guys, but she isn't really interested in anyone right now. And honestly, if you get to know her, she is a spoiled b****.

Well I'm glad to hear you kept the plans with the girl and went to semi formal and had fun! That's what you needed... 4 months of being someone's yo-yo gets old right? Everyone has been walked on by someone at least once in there life but hey that's how we get stronger by learning from our mistakes...
Are you feeling any better or is everything still kind of the same..? I hope I'm helping... well if you have any questions ill try to help or give you a female perspective

True, it does get old. And yes, you have helped. I'm just venting it out on the forum. After this, I'll try to ween myself off the forum again because when I'm on here I tend to think about things too much.

I'm just confused now because when we talked last, she shifted the blame of things not working out on me? I know I was partly to blame by smothering her in the beginning of the year, but only because I was excited to see her after a long summer apart.

I mean, did she appreciate me at all?

I go in and out of this. Not as bad as before. I talked to a lot of girls at my semi-formal, and let's just say that the well has not run dry. I just needed to operate the pump.

I guess more time apart is the answer.

I'm sure she did appreciate you or sshe probably wouldn't have been with you to begin with maybe her feeling juss changed... its hard to tell really I don't see why she would be with you and even consider wanting to get back with you if she didn't appreciate you... yedah the forum would make me think more so it would be better... im glad your well didn't go dry haha... but if you ever need someone to talk to you can talk to me through Yahoo its ferrell_2006 I usually get on after school to check messages... good luck keep me informed!!

Threads merged

Hi all, I was wondering if there was a way in which you can be patient with yourself post-breakup in the moving-on stage.

My ex and I have been on-off talking/dating each other for 5 months now. Before that we were together for about 8 months. She wanted to get back together earlier last week, but then had second thoughts after we fought, and then said that we just can't and that the relationship was unfixable. I somewhat agree, but I believe that if we worked at it and committed to the relationship, we would have worked it out. Is there such thing as something being "unfixable"? I don't blame her for wanting no more, as I was pretty miserable myself. However, I wanted another try at it.

She has been cold and distant ever since. She is moving on. I am trying to. I am back to NC ever since she said that "she can't try again," and after I tried to tell her what I thought about it. She persistently said "I can't", so I left her alone. However, because of the frequent breakups-getbacktogethers, I can't help but feel that there is some hope in getting back together. How do I eliminate this?

I find other girls attractive, some even more so than she was, in both personality and looks. Some of these girls are interested in me, and I always have a great time. However, something holds me back from making a "move", and then they usually think I'm not interested and moved on. Is this a self-confidence issue?

And sometimes I slip back into the "lonely, restless" stage. Then I get down about myself for being in this stage after being miserable for 4-5 months. How do I tell my subconscious that this is what is right. This is the right thing to do. This is what I need?

I feel like a fool.

This is merely a matter of letting time do its thing. You cannot force yourself to get over your ex and start to pursue other relationships. You will know when the time is right.

Right now, you don't feel comfortable being with another woman (dating wise), and that is totally cool man. Just don't worry about it. The good thing you are doing is not jumping into a meaningless relationship just to solve your issues of being lonely. Don't do that, do what you are doing now, and the hell with what society says about the perception of a dude without a girlfriend... be you, love you, and let the rest (time mostly) take care of itself. Life is too short not to enjoy yourself!

I have no desire to get into a relationshp right now either, and I am on month five almost. Who cares? When I am ready, and when I truly WANT to, I will go for it. Until then, enjoy the single life, and enjoy yourself! You are a good man, and, woman or no woman, nothing changes that! Carry on...

So, the answer to your question, "How to be patient with yourself?" : Is there a person it is more important to be patient with than yourself? This is your life... be concise, be thoughtful, be caring, and most of all, just be YOU. Time takes care of the rest.

Well brother.

It's bin about 2-3 years since my ex left me for some other guy. Sure it hurt, but I still love her, same as I did before, though I'm still hurting same as the day she left. Then I met another girl about a year ago. There was a big mess over her being with me, then she went back to her ex. I hurt but told her, don't worry about me, I'll be fine. And so off I went, but then she was pregnant. It's bin 9 months since I was last with her, and I've talked to lots of girls, but I can't date them on account that I don't want to do anything till I know what is happening with the child. It's 6 weeks, and so cute. I've seen it once for an hour, never held it, and don't even know if it's mine. None of us can afford to pay for the test.

You asked, "Is there such thing as something being "unfixable"? " Only if the people aren't willing to fix it. Remember, it takes two.

"How do I eliminate this?" (Your hopes to get back together are normal.) I still want both the girl that I may or may not have had my child, and my first girlfriend. But I "know" that its over. So, I tried to occupy myself with working out, working, hanging out with fiends, and so on. The only thing that can help those feelings of longing to be with her is time. And you may never stop wanting her, but you kindof just put it in the back of the mind where it's just left until its forgoten, and you learn to love yourself. That's what I'm doing now, and yes it's taken me 2-3 years, to learn where to start!
(NOTE: The less contact, pictures, remeinders you have, kind of makes it easier.)

"Is this a self-confidence issue?" What do you think? No really what do you think. It could be, but it could be you're not ready to date yet and just need to be "friends" at least till you find yourself. Maybe you just need to live free and do what you want for a time.

"And sometimes I slip back into the "lonely, restless" stage. Then I get down about myself for being in this stage after being miserable for 4-5 months. How do I tell my subconscious that this is what is right. This is the right thing to do. This is what i need?"

Find things to occupy the mind, like a dog you want to take something from, dangle something better in front of it. Yes it's true, I just compaired our brains to dogs. Haha. Do stuff you like to do, focus on it and make yourself enjoy it. Be active, get the endorphines going. Is it endorfins, or endorphines? What eve. Try not to think about what you don't want, and focus on what you do want, but do try to keep it to daily tasks. Like wake up, brush teeth/hair, shave, wash, all that and eat a healthy breakfast, and get out that Door. From there you can only imagine what you will be doing.


"We are what we think, all that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make our worlds." Buddha.

That's really great advice.

Looking back on things... you're right. It's not self-confidence, I think that I want to take a break from girls for awhile and find the real me. I've never really been single since my junior year of high school for a period longer than 2 months.

And that's why I'm taking this poorly. Subconsciously I believe that I do need a girlfriend, and that's why I'm willing to put up with a lot of crap to get one. Not healthy.

I would say commit to being single and dating around. Enjoy being single and work on yourself that will give you confidence, let you play the field and get over your ex and distract you from thoughts of getting back together or getting into another bad relationship. Focus on you time and just allow your heart and mind certain times to let thoughts out but don't let them dwell... write it down and throw it away. Keep nc. Good luck!

You do sound better, but since you siad you were depressed; I will let you know that if you find that you are going from happy (over confident, elated) to sad (depressed, apethetic.) , you may want to get looked at for BIpolar, I have it. So Just thought I'd let you know in case you find that you are way too happy, then way too sad, for way too long. I don't think you do have it, but do watch for it OK.

Good luck and take care.

I think the only reason that I go from happy to sad is that my ex will enter into the picture again when I am happy, and then we hang out, and then she backs out of the relationship when I start to get back into it...

Right now, I'm starting to feel much better. I miss her, however I've come to terms with what's happening.

She's a flake. And not committed to anything.

But thanks for your concern. And everyone's advice really has helped.

On another note... gin buckets @ 8. Stay warm everybody.

I think the only reason that I go from happy to sad is that my ex will enter into the picture again when I am happy, and then we hang out, and then she backs out of the relationship when I start to get back into it...

Right now, I'm starting to feel much better. I miss her, however i've come to terms with what's happening.

She's a flake. And not committed to anything.


Take care mate.

Thanks. She texted late last night... "yoso how are you?"

1:30 am. What does that mean? I didn't text back.

Thanks. She texted late last night... "yoso how are you?"

1:30 am. what does that mean? I didn't text back.

You need to change your phone number, as this is bordering on pathetic. Every time she sends you some random text, you come back with, "What does that mean?" Who cares what it means. If she didn't have a way to get ahold of you, then you wouldn't be stuck on here asking about the meaning of everything she sends you.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but honestly the longer you try and analyze the meaning behind her contact, the longer it will take you to heal. Only she knows what it meant... it didn't mean, "Yoso, I want you back, I think we made a mistake breaking up!" I hope you aren't waiting on that text. Do NOT let her meaningless texting screw with your mind! Keep on moving forward... carry on

Stay away from her, and don't let her reel you back in again. Stay positive and look for someone else, that's more stable. Keep busy with new friends. Do whatever it takes to move on, your doing good. Good luck.

I believe that I do need a girlfriend, and that's why I'm willing to put up with a lot of crap to get one. Not healthy.Your right that's not healthy, no one needs a relationship.

Your just like a guy with a drug habit trying to kick it.


I think the only reason that I go from happy to sad is that my ex will enter into the picture again
Yo make the perfect case for No Contact.

I find that those that have such a hard time cutting contact have made some really unhealthy attachments. Like dope fiends, especially given how bad you feel and the misery you endure getting that fix that never lasts.

Its been 3 months and she is still calling the shot, and giving you confusion. Try harder. You are making progress though, and just need to stick to it, and learn to delete those texts.

Thanks. She texted late last night... "yoso how are you?"

1:30 am. what does that mean? I didn't text back.

Letting go of some one is not easy, even if you were the one to choose so. Say, "Im good, thanks." Then leave it at that. It's hard.

Try not to over think things, just try to let them go and move on.

YouTube - everybody's free to wear sunscreen (http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=L44WMesvTUU&feature=channel_page)

Here watch that, and maybe it'll give you some small measure of comfort. It does for me.

Peace be with you brother.

Chin up keep trucking don't look back. One day it will truly be behind you because you know what truly is good for you. A community is here to support you for how ever long it takes you :)

All right, here's the deal.

I have two classes with my ex: In one she tries to get my attention by coughing so that she can talk to me. Usually I ignore her. She does it in a flirtatious manner, and then she gets up to get something, she will bump me on the way. ( I sit in the front so that I won't have to deal with her).

Then, in the other, 2.5 hour class, she sits at the same table as I do. We work, not talk for the entire time. After class, she walks alongside of me and asked me if I wanted to walk with her for awhile. I told her we were walking separate places, and respectfully said goodbye to her.

10 minutes later I get a text saying that I was mean because she wanted to walk and talk with me. I said "This is the i-want-you but i-don't want you coming out in you."

She said "I just wanted to walk and talk with you"

I followed "I'm still pretty pissed about the whole thing. I made a lot of mistakes, but you just gave up and threw me out of your life. More than once"

She said "fine, i'll give you your space".

I said "thanks"

How could I have handled this better? Why is she doing this?

Alright, here's the deal.

I have two classes with my ex: In one she tries to get my attention by coughing so that she can talk to me. Usually I ignore her. She does it in a flirtatious manner, and then she gets up to get something, she will bump me on the way. ( I sit in the front so that I won't have to deal with her).

Then, in the other, 2.5 hour class, she sits at the same table as I do. We work, not talk for the entire time. After class, she walks alongside of me and asked me if I wanted to walk with her for awhile. I told her we were walking separate places, and respectfully said goodbye to her.

10 minutes later I get a text saying that I was mean because she wanted to walk and talk with me. I said "This is the i-want-you but i-don't want you coming out in you."

She said "I just wanted to walk and talk with you"

I followed "I'm still pretty pissed about the whole thing. I made a lot of mistakes, but you just gave up and threw me out of your life. More than once"

She said "fine, i'll give you your space".

I said "thanks"

How could I have handled this better? Why is she doing this?

You did the right thing.Next time you probably sholdn't reply to her text either.
She broke up with you, meaning she does not want any part of you in her life. Give her what she wants

She said "I just wanted to walk and talk with you"

I followed "I'm still pretty pissed about the whole thing. I made a lot of mistakes, but you just gave up and threw me out of your life. More than once"
How could I have handled this better? Why is she doing this?

Until you can learn not to talk like this, I wouldn't talk to her, period. I know you hurt, and are mad, but you simply CANNOT act bitter towards her. It just doesn't do any good. Keep you emotions to yourself, and your friends, people that actually deserve a reaction from you. Do not give her the pleasure of upsetting you, or at least of knowing she upset you.

It also does no good to admit you made a lot of mistakes. That is what life is about, so it is pointless saying that to her, as if she was perfect. We ALL make mistakes, a LOT of them, especially in relationships, but without them, guess what? We don't grow, and we don't get better.

I know you cannot go without seeing her, as she has classes with you, but try to keep it as non-emotional as possible. You will get there, I know it's hard, especially since you have class with her. Just keep your chin up.

Carry on... :cool:

You have expressed yourself honestly,

You have talked, the talk, now you have to walk, the walk.

In hindsight... I probably shouldn't have even bothered to answer the text.

But what about her other behavior? Is she gaslighting me?

Yoso, in hindsight there are a LOT of things I wished I wouldn't have done. No sweat man! Now, as Tal has so eloquently put it, time to "walk the walk."

So go into shutdown mode?

Lockout forever, or at least until I can think of her as just another girl?

Until you don't think of her, PERIOD... that is it, in a nutshell.

Gross. Why would I think of her period?

You also don't need to be shutdown, and make it glaringly apparent you want nothing to do with her. It is more or less not being there whenever she comes knocking... that type of thing. Don't play into her games nor respond to texts or calls. It is about you having a clear head, and not reacting off emotions. Once you don't react off emotions with her, it is pretty safe to say you are moving in the right direction.

Gross. Why would I think of her period?

You are joking right? It is early, so I am not picking up on the humor just yet... forgive me :)

Hahaha. All right. I solemnly swear to never contact her, even if she batters down my doors. I do this on my honor to all of my new online comrades.

Only when I don't think of her at all will I engage in any verbal communication with her. But I will never get suckered into another "relationship" again with this particular woman.

I will ignore all texts, all phone calls, all classroom coughs and requests for walks from her. I am going to flush this one out fellas, like the rest of my crap.

But honestly KC, I cannot talk to her without my emotions flaring up again. I am more controlled and relaxed when she isn't bugging me, or when we aren't conversing. I would prefer to just shut her out.

She's been playing this game for 6 months now. I honestly do not want to deal with her anymore.

I know how you feel. You know what you need to do. Good luck!

True. I see some posts on here like "10 year on-and-off relationship... she slept with over 10 guys..."

I can't do that. I won't do that.

Ok, so this girl I've been seeing frequently suggests that we do things together, but she is usually the one to make all of the plans. Very seldom do I have ideas of my own of what we should both do. Basically, she is calling all of the shots right now and I don't feel comfortable with that. I think that it should be a balance.

What should I say to her that would not upset her, but get the point across that I would like to be assertive in the relationship too?

Next time she suggests something, then just say "We can do that next time, but I have an idea that will be more fun."

OR

Bring her on a surprise date to somewhere that you like to go so that she knows it special to you and that you want it to be for her as well.

You're welcome.

Politely express yourself, and don't let her just take over. They will, if your wishy washy, or have NO suggestions, or don't throw out better ideas.

Don't blame her for trying though.

Hello everyone. Just updating on my status.

Me and this girl did end up getting back together, but it was never the same. In the back of my mind, I knew I couldn't trust her, even if I was still very emotionally attached. Two months ago I broke up with her while she was studying abroad... and not contacting me while she was there. It was all my fault... but I just couldn't handle wondering what she was doing / who she was with. She had given me reason to not trust her before, and we were arguing all the time. It was an extremely toxic relationship. She wanted to control me, to own me, while she was able to do her thing.

She was talking about marriage before I broke up with her, and talking about our future together, even when she was not putting effort into the relationship. In the back of my mind, I just knew it wasn't right. I want someone that had no doubts whatsoever whether they wanted to be with me, and her past (and present) just didn't comply with what I wanted. She left me before, and she would have probably done it again. I found out later, from her, that she did in fact hook up with another guy while she was studying abroad over the summer.

Another thing weighing on my mind is that I am graduating this spring, while she has yet another year of school. Also, she insisted that when she graduates, she will live in no other city but Chicago (where her family is). Her family is very well-off and successful, but I wanted to strike it out on my own, to build up my own success. She wanted to be supported by her family, and perhaps get a job through her father's firm. Also, I am a country boy, and I love the mountains, rivers, and streams of Tennessee.

I look back and see all of the time I have wasted, and all the missed opportunities with friends, and perhaps potential girlfriends, that I have missed. However, I am young yet, and it is never too late to turn things around.

I see now what I see when she had left me the first and second time (on-off relationship). Going NC has definitely improved my view on things, and I know now that this girl is not the one for me. I've wasted a lot of time coming to this conclusion, but at least I have learned something.

I'm taking a break from women for awhile, and building up a life that I will enjoy. I got an R.A. job for the year which saves me a lot of money, while still continuing to be involved in collegiate sports. I've made a lot of good friends and acquaintances, people who I think are truly people of character and people who I enjoy being with. I am happy now.

I just wish this could be a lesson to all who have a hope for getting back together with the ex. Who are you now? And who do you want to be? Put your ex out of the picture and be that person. Improve yourself. And think to yourself, will it really be the same if you and your ex got back together? For me, it was never the same, and I wasted a good amount of time to figure that out. Please, do not do what I did. Think about yourself.

If I can help just one person (besides myself) with my experience, it will all be worth it.

Yosomonton, you sound like a nice person. Good luck, there is someone better out there. It seems to be you heading in the right direction.

Yosomoton, if you don't mind me asking... what were the circumstances regarding you getting back together. Did you completely move on and then she came crawling back, or what happened?

P.S. - Good for you, it sounds like you will be much better off without her.

Yeah, sure.

I was definitely not completely over her, however I was on the road to recovery. We semi-reconciled 2 times for about a week duration, and then broke up because of the intense arguing and accusing of one another for faults. After another month of no contact, she called me. I waited a day, listened to the voicemail, but didn't call her back. She called me again. I should have never picked up the phone, but I did. She turned on the waterworks, and believed that this was the last chance to make things work. She seemed really upset. We took things slow for awhile, and ended up dating another 4 months. She did everything right during that time.

However, I never could get past the fact that she did leave me, and the fact that she hooked up with guys in between me. I felt that this was somewhat on par with cheating, and felt that this wasn't right. If she would leave once, to see if the grass was greener on the other side, she would leave again. I know I'm right, because if I continued dating her, I would always wonder where she is, who she is with, etc. Without trust, there is no relationship. She broke my trust, and I think it was unrepairable.

Can I be friends with this girl? Maybe, but like I said before, we have different value systems. She wants the fast/party lifestyle, hooking up with guys, etc... which is fine. I have outgrown that, as I am graduating this spring and really have done lots of reflecting on what I want to do with my life. I don't want to be "that guy" who is always wondering where his girlfriend is, who she is with, and what she was doing. That would tear me, and my life, apart.

On another note, I don't think I actually liked this girl as a person. She was always putting other people down, criticizing me and my friends, and even strangers on the street walking by. I think she had a very low self esteem. Truth be told, near the end I didn't like being with her, I just was comfortable with her, especially in the bedroom.

I think at my young age it is very easy to confuse lust with love. Hope this helps.

I have to say you have grown a lot since your first post, and I think you well on your way to having your own happiness.

Well, I have to say I wouldn't be where I was today without tal's and everyone's advice. Listen to Tal... do what he says. Time does heal, but it happens faster if you build the life you love.

Yes I agree-i m so grateful I found all this advice when I most needed it.I have made some progress -quicker than I otherwise would have.at least I now know what I don't want from a relationship.so to all you wise men and women-a big thank you. Hugs.:-)

Had a situation the other night. I had been drinking, and walking to a friend's house while on the telephone. I was walking on the sidewalk when I almost run into this one girl. I politely apologized, and continued on. I then realized that the girl was my ex... but I didn't stop and turn around to talk and continued walking. I knew that I would get an awkward conversation, especially because she was around all of her friends at the time. I just kept walking and talking on the telephone. No big deal, right?

I got a text from her the next day... saying "that was very rude of you last night". Fine. I'm OK with being rude. Even though I did politely excuse myself.

The night after that, I got 10... count them... 10 phone calls from this girl, at a very late hour. So I blew up on her the next day. I asked her, straight up, are you still having second thoughts? She said (5 hours later)... "i don't know... but i think this (separation) is the right thing for us". Deep down, I totally agree with her. My life has a peace and equilibrium that it has never had in a long time with this girl. However, because I was lonely, I told her that I missed her. But after that, I snapped to. Then I proceeded to call her selfish and manipulative (which in my estimation, she was just upset that I didn't acknowledge her in front of all of her friends).

What the hell? This girl is the worst. Sorry, I had to vent. I was doing great. I know this is all self-inflicted. I'll get back on the gravy train for good from now on.

I know its hard to let go.

Ive been in the same situation as you for 12 years.

My ex and I would constantly break up and get back together.

You don't want to be me in 12 years time do you??

Your ex sounds like a manipulator and very selfish. Im sure she thinks she loves you but some people have a strange idea what love is...

Threads merged

Why is it that when the relationship breaks up... the dumper usually "moves on" first. Then, as soon as the dumped party moves on... the dumper wants back into the other person's life again? Is this the classic "I want what I can no longer have?".

My ex and I have been getting together/breaking up for the past year. She initially broke it off... and since then I've been improving myself, and realizing the mistakes I made, and also the faults and mistakes she made. I've come to terms with all of that and realize that it now belongs in the past. Nobody is blameless in this sort of situation, and nothing can really be resolved. Since then, I've been growing up to be someone I enjoy to be... even by myself. I continue to grow and to make new friends, take on new responsibilities, and enjoy new experiences with new friends.

However, she still is "around"... asking my friends about me and trying to dig up what I've been doing recently. She even has a new boyfriend/boytoy/whatever. She used to text me/call me sometimes... some even ten times a night when I didn't answer... that is until I told her I changed my number with my brother (I didn't, and so far no more calls).

All I want for her is to be happy... and to leave me alone. I selfishly desire for her to find another guy so that she leaves me alone. However, knowing her nature, and the fact that she never truly "flushed the toilet of her past" when we were dating, I know that this isn't likely to happen. I also know that she tends to "cling" onto somebody... she "needs" someone at all times... so maybe this thing with the new guy isn't all that great?

I don't want to have another relationship for awhile, and since then I haven't really been pursuing any other girls. I don't feel the need to. I'm too busy to devote the time necessary for one right now. I have gone on "dates"... but more so of a platonic, enjoying another person's company sort of date.

I just want to be left alone by this broad. Isn't it funny that 6 months ago I was dying to get back together with her... and eventually did? And now I don't want any more contact with her? She even said herself to my friends that there is no chance of getting back together... yet still continues to bug/pester them (her only source of information of me is through my friends). What's going on here?


She also recently has been showing up to places that she knows that I will probably be... my friends' parties, etc. She even hooked up with one of my friends... later saying that it was a mistake. I don't really care... but is this a tactic to make me jealous?

I'm not sure if it's a tactic to make you jealous, it could be.. It seems like she's a little stalkerish. You should straight-up ask her if she still wants to be in a relationship with you, and let her know that you're not planning on dating at the moment. If she can't respect your decision on that she wasn't worth having in the first place, and it's awesome that you've managed to move on. Maybe she hasn't moved on, and is still wanting to be in your life. If she keeps it up, tell her to knock-it-off. She seems to be immature, and not ready to be in a relationship anyway. If I were you I would wait for "the one" to come along, because clearly this girl is not in it for love- and love is commitment. Just come up with the words to say to her, and say them. Don't bring up things in the past, and be sure that you stress that the conversation is not about the two of you- it's about her moving on and living her own life- not trying to find connections to your life. Tell her you want to cut all ties, and let that be that.

Attraction doubles when you are the dumpee, temporarily. Now, temporarily could mean 4 days, 4 months and/or 4 years, depending on how many and how deep your roots are with her.

The dumper has mentally left the relationship weeks, perhaps months, before the breakup was engaged.

Hence why.

Attraction doubles when you are the dumpee, temporarily. Now, temporarily could mean 4 days, 4 months and/or 4 years, depending on how many and how deep your roots are with her.

The dumper has mentally left the relationship weeks, perhaps months, before the breakup was engaged.

Hence why.

Yes, but in my case... she either never truly left or she got back in it again for some reason... and won't let go. And I have gone.

When you say "I am gone " she sees "I love you"
People like this you can't mess around with you have to make her hate you.
I know sounds harsh but it is the only way to move on
You have to do it for her own good

"people like this you can't mess around with you have to make her hate you."

That's what my ex did to me. Did whatever she could to make me hate her.

Yosomoton213: I should have pulled a double-take on your situation, as yeah, yours is a little different.

Reread your own posts she is having as hard a time letting go, as you did. Stay away from her, and let her have the time for reality to sink in.

Dumpers are already in the break up mode, while the dumpee has to get over the shock of the break up, and adjust to the new changing situation. It takes time.

Hey all, it's been awhile. I've been progressing normally. My ex told me she is seeing someone else, which I'm fine with (strangely). At least she's not really bugging me anymore... or is she? She wanted to grab a bite for lunch. I said no, I was busy, and I didn't want to. She, however, persisted, and said that it would be nice. I later found out through her conversation that this guy she is seeing is also hooking up with another girl behind her back, and lying about it. In the back of my head, I thought, "oh sweet karma". However, she wouldn't let it go the fact that I didn't want to go to lunch with her. I see it would be really weird to go out, especially that she has moved on to the point of being in another "psuedo-relationship" I guess. I am happily trucking along, going on dates, nothing too serious. I will try to ignore her from now on. I just want to know, do you all think she is using me to cope with her feelings? She said that she could not believe that I don't want to be friends with her (I don't, I never really "liked" her as a person.). Plus, I think it would be awkward as I still have a little bit of a flame left for her. She is very manipulative and self-centered. Kind of like what she is doing now. What are your thoughts and opinions on the situation... and should I go back to no contact, even though for the most part, I am over her? Tal, you have never steered me wrong.

Also, it seems like she really jumped into this other relationship quickly, which is semi-understandable. We have been on-off-on for the last year. I was somewhat expecting her to come back, but am finally relieved that she has found somebody else and the cycle is broken. However, she will not let this lunch thing go away. I've tried to be nice to her, and then I was a bit of an @$$hole. She said she was done trying, for now. Should I just ignore her forever until the manipulative little wench gives up? I really don't want her in my life at all. Not as a friend, nor as a lover. It kind of hurts too, the finality of it. But, at the same token, at least the cycle has ended.

I think you know the answer-ignore her forever. Your life's good now,no need to let her mess it up again. Let it go.

Your instincts are dead on as nothing good can come from a friend like this. NC forever sounds good. Next time she catches you, being busy is better than being annoyed.

You shouldn't even answer her calls, email or texts. NC is complete NC. As for her, like you said, bad karma. She doesn't have the courage to be alone and to top it off, I think she's trying to make you jealous and to control you. She wants you as a second option, but like you said, good thing the cycle is broken. You can look forward to other things in life now.

She is using you for emotional support while she is going through this. She is not strong enough to deal with this crap on her own, so she is looking to you as a shoulder to cry on until she finds someone else.

You will never get what you want from her and she will continue to use you this way. NC forever is the only thing that will end this.

You need to tell to never call, text, or email you again. I just went through the Same situation with my ex. The guy she left me for, dumped her and within a week she started calling me all the time asking for this and that and wanting emotional support. I eventually found out her game after a few weeks and cut her off. I told her straight-up, face to face, not to contact me anymore. It has been a month since we talked, and I already know that was the best decision for myself.

Why be an emotional tampon for someone who doesn't want to be with you? She didn't support you while you were suffering. Why support her? Those privileges where revoked when she broke up with you.

I'm not responding any of her calls, texts, or emails.

You're right, she's afraid to be alone. She always has to have someone. She is the weak link and would drag me down if I let her. I don't think this girl will ever be happy on her own.

I enjoy my alone time, and have great friends and activities planned out to spend my time. I don't need a girlfriend, and am just happy "doing my thing".




I ain't looking for nothing... but a good time.

Actually, rather than ignore her, tell her not to contact you anymore. That would be the most honest and direct way to end all of this.

Why put up with her even ringing your phone? Every time she does, you are going to look to see who it is and start thinking. When they don't call, you don't think.

Well, I tried being nice and telling her that, but she insisted that I was "being a baby" and that it was "just lunch". When I told her to not call or text, she said I was being "cruel, after all the time she loved me and that she still cares for me."

So, I pretty much told her to p*** off.

I think regardless of what I say, she will still do whatever she wants to do. That is her personality... very self-oriented. She doesn't really care what I want. I think the best course of action is to ignore her.

If being nice doesn't work, then it's time to put your foot down. You're doing this for yourself, not for her. Tell her "You lost your privilege to talk to me when you kicked me to the curb! I'm done with you! Take a hike!" and leave it at that.

Look how she is disrespecting you by calling you a "big baby" and making you feel like the bad guy. Don't fall for that. If she thinks you're being cruel, what about when she tore your heart out and kicked you to the curb??

How cruel was that?

All of that crap is her way of try to keep you around as a back-up when things go wrong.

It time for you take control of the situation and tell her how it's going to be. It's the only way you are going to get over this.

Exactly. I was thinking of just being the calm in the middle of a hurricane and letting all her texts, calls, emails, insults, or whatever kind of blow right by me. By ignoring her, I can do whatever I want. That way, she doesn't drag me back into her life.

If ignoring her doesn't work and these attempts at communication have this effect on you:


every time my phone rings, my heart jumps up to my throat in the hope that my ex is calling

Then you need to tell her to stop.

Hopefully she will get the hint.

Hahaha if you look at that post, it was from awhile back. Now my reaction is... "oh... here's that crazy bi*** again..."

Funny how reactions change over time. I've progressed beyond that, at least I'd like to think so. She just argues, and doesn't let it drop. She thinks she is in the right all the time, and that I'm in the wrong.

Look at the progress you have made so far. Good job!

Its got to be a great feeling to see things for what they are, and not through a lot of emotional baggage.

Yes sir it is. I'm not too worried about it overall, but the girl still knows how to push my buttons and sucker me into an argument. A day has passed and I'm back to situation normal. I just needed to vent for awhile I guess.

Thanks again for all of your help and feedback.

Talimaster- you the man.

"By ignoring her, I can do whatever I want."

Yes, man.

Don't just say it. Do it.

Yes, just live your life and don't worry about anybody else.

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Hey all,

It's been awhile since I last posted, and I want to share with you some insights on getting over the ex. It happens, you just got to give it some time and space. I also wanted to share with you a funny little story that happened with me over the weekend.

So I was drinking with a few good friends and a lady friend at my favorite bar. We were just having a good time, drinking and whatnot, recounting our favorite times we've had in University (We all graduate very soon). After a couple of drinks, I excuse myself to use the restroom. During the potty break, I manage to "dribble" a bit (no matter how much I shake and dance, the last few drops go down my pants). So I think to myself, "whatever", and go to regroup with my companions. Little did I notice that my ex was with her new boyfriend/toy whatever. I kindly say hello and start heading over to my group. I say to my best friend and confidant, "hey, let's get out of here and go to another bar". It doesn't really bother me that much, but why spoil the good times, right? So we get up to leave, and I have to wait for my lady friend to use the bathroom.

As I'm waiting, the ex approaches, and she asks if I'm seeing anyone. I say, nobody serious, (I'm graduating soon, and I just want to milk the best of my few last weeks at uni. Not really "hook-ups", but more like going out and enjoying my friends). She proceeds to tell me her life story about how she's been through/with many guys since we started dating, they treated her like crap/she's the victim, they weren't as good as me, etc. etc. I say that I'm sorry (I really don't care, but I'm trying to be nice). The whole time I'm kind of chuckling to myself because I have a piddle stain on the front of my trousers. I'm kind of a hot mess right now. Then, when I think that she senses that I'm kind of disinterested in the topic of conversation, she starts talking about sex. She asks me, "Do you miss the sex we had?" My only response was laughter, because I've had a couple of drinks in me and I wasn't really expecting it. She kept talking about how we had great sex, etc. all the while her boyfriend was at the bar, not 15 feet away. I just kept the "uhhh's" and "uhmmm's" going until she stopped talking, which ended with, "I don't want to have sex with you, I just wanted you to know. I'm with a great guy right now who treats me well. And the sex is good too."

And that is when I finally realized that she is kind of bat insane. My lady friend popped out of the bathroom, I sighed with relief, said my goodbyes, and had a long night of drinking with my favorite people. I also laughed about it with my friends afterwards.

My point is, it does get better people. You just have to wait it out, get the "poison" out of the system, and then you begin to see things the way they are. I don't feel like I'm a loser for her dumping me anymore. I just kind of feel sorry for her. I pity her. You just need some time to get rid of the "love fuzz" and the revisionist history that goes along with being dumped.

I loved that story! I think you're doing great yourself and it's a perfect example for other people. Keep it up!

"And that is when I finally realized that she is kinda bat insane"

That gave me a good laugh.