I have been helping my fiancé during difficult times financially for trips to see one another and for his kids to visit (we are in a long distance relationship, me in U.S. he in U.K). I have spent thousands of dollars to generously help him. He lost his job almost 3 months ago and was going to pay me back for recent expense but does not have the means for obvious reasons.

However, he wants to marry me and that would mean to file for a visa for him to relocate to U.S. I told him that I want to see that he is preparing and reimbursing for expenses before we consider moving forward. I feel I have given so much and want to see that I am committing to a reciprocated partner for life. I think it is unfair that all should be on my shoulders. I realize he is under a great deal of stress, looking for work in a tough economy and I have been more than sympathetic but is it unfair to ask for proof of contribution and getting himself back on his feet? I want to see him giving back to me and providing as two not all one sided. I take marriage very seriously and do not want to rush into something that doesn't feel right.

He is upset at me as he says he is trying and does not want to wait too long to file petition as it is a lengthy endeavor. I say, what is the rush? Isn't it worth waiting for to get back on his feet and start our lives together on a good foot? Am I being insensitive? Or realistic? Should I continue pursuing or see the signs and walk away?

You are on the right track there. It is up to you to decide. Do you feel it is worth it to stick together during this hard time for him? If you don't feel the effort is worth it, then maybe your love for him isn't that great and it is better to walk away now then to lead on this relationship.

Definitely don't rush into marriage since you still have doubt.

I don't blame you for doing this at all and frankly it is a very smart decision that more couples should consider before marrying. Finances are the number one cause of divorce, so getting them straight beforehand is highly recommended. Kudos to you for drawing a line.

You're right... what's the rush? Long process or not, choosing your life partner is too big of a decision to speed up because of a Visa. If he can't understand that, then I would be suspicious of his motiviations...

A few questions:

How old are you and how long have you been in this relationship?

Before he lost his job, did he pay back any of the money you shelled out?

What type of work does he do? That would be a factor in him finding work in the US.

Does he think that if he emigrates to the US that he will have an easier time finding a job or does he expect you to support him? Does he expect you to bring his children over too?

How is the relationship other than this issue? How well do you really know him? Any other red flags?

I agree there is no need to rush and every reason to question his motives in wanting to speed things up.

I say, what is the rush?

You're right, there is no rush. Marriage is a huge step and can't be treated lightly.


Isn't it worth waiting for to get back on his feet and start our lives together on a good foot?

That much is obvious!


Am I being insensitive? Or realistic?

You're being realistic and logical. He's the one being insensitve and unrealistic.


Should I continue pursuing or see the signs and walk away?

It's your choice what you want to do, but there are definitely some red flags. So if you decide to continue this relationship, I suggest that you proceed with caution.

Furthermore, I suggest that you stop giving him money. It's time for him to stand on his two feet and start repaying you.

It shouldn't be this hard. If you don't think it is fair and worth it, trust your instinct. You are doing TOO much for him. I don't know him but have you ever thought, the reason he might want to marry you is so he can be a US citizen? I know many people who did that and not marry for love.

I think your being very realistic, and fair, to both be reimbursed, and protecting your heart.