Hello all!

This is my first time posting, and I need some advice on this roller-coaster relationship I am having. First off, background info: I am a mid 20's female, who just got back into dating in January 2009 after a bad three-year relationship.

My dilemma starts with a man I started dating six or seven months ago. Everything started great (as it always does, right?) in the first few months, I was really excited about meeting such an awesome person. After a few months and a few vacations together I find out that he is still dating other people, and even has an online dating profile that he never mentioned. All of this wouldn't be a problem if we hadn't been talking on the phone every night for hours and texting back and forth all day. To me, I felt like this was going somewhere, and I got completely blindsided. I took a few steps back and realized we never actually went "exclusive," so I asked him about it. He said he wasn't ready, and basically wasn't sure about our relationship and wasn't ready to commit yet. So I backed off again and gave him time. Eventually we start hanging out as much as possible, spending the night, etc. I ask him again and this time he says he is not dating any one else and has no interest in it. It takes him another month to actually call me his *gasp* girlfriend.

I guess one thing I left out is that he is a successful young-30's man who has had several heartbreaks (who hasn't?). I think at first my age was an issue to him but we have seemed to move past this.

Now, past the six month mark, we spend as much time together as possible, I practically live at his house, have a key, etc etc. We do everything together, except talk about where this is going. Every time I bring up any serious conversation about our relationship or the future, he freezes. Its gotten to the point to where I want to shake him and scream and throw things, but instead, ignore the feeling and put on my happy face, because he truly does make me happy.

Another thing is that the sex has almost completely dried up. We spend 4 or 5 nights a week in the same bed and there is nothing happening anymore. Talking about it, he blames stress... but I feel like the sexual spark has died. We are like an old married couple, but even old married couples need to have sex right? Is this a problem that can be fixed? Or is he really not attracted to me and getting it somewhere else? If so, why would he still be dating me? I feel like sex has become a chore, and I am too young and like sex too much for this to be my reality.

I haven't met a guy who does the things that he does for me. It's all the little things... they really do add up. However sometimes I feel like he is on autopilot, just falling back into the routine he had with his 5-year girlfriend... and I am just this replacement body until he finds someone he is actually attracted to. He tells me that this has been one of the best and most honest relationships he has ever been in (define: honesty), and seems to want to be in it.

So. Do I confront him (although I feel like I've made a pretty big attempt already), or am I just pushing things to fast? I know what I want, and it hurts to have someone hesitate, and hesitate, and then finally give in... I feel like I am playing tug-o-war and we are finally at a standstill. Or, should I stop digging this hole that I am in and move on?

I can't get past this... I need some advice, or kind words! I know the story is rather jumbled and there is a lot more to it, so feel free to ask questions.

-K

What about counseling ? You can both find out what is happening

There is also a great book
"The Five Love languages" this is a must read for couples.

Also you in 20's and he in 30, sorry don't see this as a "older man" I was expecting him to be in his 50's

Emotionally 20's and 30's can be very different. A two year age gap and a 9 year age gap can be a big difference. "Older" doesn't have to be 30 years.

Also, since neither of us are practicing Christians, I am not sure that would be the book of choice.

Thanks.

Why do you assume it is a Christian book? There is nothing christian the book discusses what each of us wants to be emotionally fulfilled and the needs, from sex to talking and more.
While used in many religious counseling, I use it myself, it works on the needs we have.

I didn't assume, I looked it up. Maybe I misunderstood, my apologies!

I posted this in the "dating" section and did not get much advice or interest. I have been reading other posts in hopes of finding some answers... wondering if any one else is in a similar situation or can offer me some hope or advice! Thanks for reading!


Hello all!

This is my first time posting, and I need some advice on this roller-coaster relationship I am having. First off, background info: I am a mid 20's female, who just got back into dating in January 2009 after a bad three-year relationship.

My dilemma starts with a man I started dating six or seven months ago. Everything started great (as it always does, right?) in the first few months, I was really excited about meeting such an awesome person. After a few months and a few vacations together I find out that he is still dating other people, and even has an online dating profile that he never mentioned. All of this wouldn't be a problem if we hadn't been talking on the phone every night for hours and texting back and forth all day. To me, I felt like this was going somewhere, and I got completely blindsided. I took a few steps back and realized we never actually went "exclusive," so I asked him about it. He said he wasn't ready, and basically wasn't sure about our relationship and wasn't ready to commit yet. So I backed off again and gave him time. Eventually we start hanging out as much as possible, spending the night, etc. I ask him again and this time he says he is not dating any one else and has no interest in it. It takes him another month to actually call me his *gasp* girlfriend.

I guess one thing I left out is that he is a successful young-30's man who has had several heartbreaks (who hasn't?). I think at first my age was an issue to him but we have seemed to move past this.

Now, past the six month mark, we spend as much time together as possible, I practically live at his house, have a key, etc etc. We do everything together, except talk about where this is going. We have even met each others friends and families! Every time I bring up any serious conversation about our relationship or the future, he freezes. Its gotten to the point to where I want to shake him and scream and throw things, but instead, ignore the feeling and put on my happy face, because he truly does make me happy.

Another thing is that the sex has almost completely dried up. We spend 4 or 5 nights a week in the same bed and there is nothing happening anymore. Talking about it, he blames stress... but I feel like the sexual spark has died. We are like an old married couple, but even old married couples need to have sex right? Is this a problem that can be fixed? Or is he really not attracted to me and getting it somewhere else? If so, why would he still be dating me? I feel like sex has become a chore, and I am too young and like sex too much for this to be my reality.

I haven't met a guy who does the things that he does for me. It's all the little things... they really do add up. However sometimes I feel like he is on autopilot, just falling back into the routine he had with his 5-year girlfriend... and I am just this replacement body until he finds someone he is actually attracted to. He tells me that this has been one of the best and most honest relationships he has ever been in (define: honesty), and seems to want to be in it.

So. Do I confront him (although I feel like I've made a pretty big attempt already), or am I just pushing things to fast? I know what I want, and it hurts to have someone hesitate, and hesitate, and then finally give in... I feel like I am playing tug-o-war and we are finally at a standstill. Or, should I stop digging this hole that I am in and move on?

I can't get past this... I need some advice, or kind words! I know the story is rather jumbled and there is a lot more to it, so feel free to ask questions.

-K

I think 6 or 7 months is too soon to be thinking too far off into the future. He says & shows that he's into you... Who knows... maybe in the next few months it'll be you who isn't so into him. How about just enjoying the moment for a while.

I couldn't recommend moving on at this point, I just think you need to slow down... why the rush? Like you said, the little things add up... if he's good to you, and you're into him, be happy with what you've got. There are a lot of lonely people out there...

Regarding the sex thing... there are a lot of things you can do. Just use your imagination... if you're blond, then get yourself a brunette wig. If you're not blond, get yourself a blond wig... my wife did that for me a few years back, and WHOAAAA! The wig business can put Viagra out of business!!

Have you talked about marriage? Not necessarily with one another, but how he feels about being married in general?

I dated a man ten years older than me, and our situation sounds somewhat similar to what you describe. We lived together and were exclusive, yet he never spoke of our future, and would joke to his friends about how he is never getting married, etc. I finally came to the realization that this man was afraid of the permanent commitment that is marriage.

Also, the intimacy thing sounds familiar as well. I'm not sure if that is an issue common with the age difference, but it was certainly prevalent in our relationship. At the time, I felt exactly as you describe: "I feel like sex has become a chore, and I am too young and like sex too much for this to be my reality."

Also, it could be that he is perfectly satisfied with how your relationship is now, and sees no reason for improvement. You already live there and sleep in the same bed together... (I think that was a problem I faced as well).

I am glad that I am not the only one that feels this way... I just would like to know how to overcome these intimacy issues.

I know for a fact that he believes in marriage... he proposed to his GF of five years and she turned him down. I'm sure that had to be a very difficult situation for him. But, I don't feel like I should have to pay for past relationship issues.

So are you still in the same relationship? Did you work things out? Or did you end it and decide to break things off?

Maybe I should not spend so much time in his bed if he is not willing to commit further.

Another user mentioned that maybe I am rushing things?

I see what you're saying about not rushing things... and I'm not talking about forcing him to marry me. I just feel like since the beginning I would have to push him to make the next step... something as simple as calling me his GF when we've been dating for months and have been on several vacations together.

LOL about the wigs... I'm not sure if something that simple could fix that situation, but its worth a try! I just feel like he is uninterested, when I couldn't be more attracted to him. On several occasions I have tried to make the first move, and he always makes excuses about being stressed, or tired, and that hurts! *sigh*

Yeah, the feeling of rejection when your partner is uninterested always hurts. Trust me... the wig thing works! Be sure to use a different sexy voice/accent when you wear it. Always be a different character and do things not in the norm when you're in character. My wife did that, and it blew me away! Good luck to you!

I am glad that I am not the only one that feels this way... I just would like to know how to overcome these intimacy issues.

I know for a fact that he believes in marriage... he proposed to his GF of five years and she turned him down. I'm sure that had to be a very difficult situation for him. But, I don't feel like I should have to pay for past relationship issues.

So are you still in the same relationship? Did you work things out? Or did you end it and decide to break things off?

Maybe I should not spend so much time in his bed if he is not willing to commit further.

Another user mentioned that maybe I am rushing things?

No, I am no longer in that relationship. I put 3 years into it, and the results never varied between day one, day 500, and so on.

Another similarity is that he was heart broken by his last GF, as she moved away and broke up with him suddenly, after seven years or something. I don't think he had ever recovered from that. And then we dove head first into our relationship (at least I did), and there was no adjustment period.

Yes, perhaps you are rushing things a bit, seeing as how it's only been 6 months and you are staying over there quite a bit. I know it's hard to try to not stay over there. I moved out of my ex's house and then back in because I had no willpower. But it IS possible. If it strengthens your relationship and means that he won't take you for granted (if he is), it's worth it.

Perhaps he needs a slower transition into this relationship than you, given his dismissal by his former girlfriend. I'm sure being turned down while on one knee is a tough experience.

Seeing what happened to your relationship makes me wonder if I should even put any more time or effort into this one. I have been backing off the past day or two and I know he notices a difference... I am just not sure what to do or say. I am supposed to go over there tonight even though he lives an hour away and I have a test to study for. I think I am going to take your advice and turn him down for once. I do feel like I am being taken for granted, and I am putting way too much effort into this emotionally, and am not sure how much I am really receiving back.

Maybe its time to slow down and figure out what [I]I[I] really want.

Thanks for your help and good luck with your current situation! :)

Seeing what happened to your relationship makes me wonder if i should even put any more time or effort into this one.

All relationships are different, but you know that already. Just because mine did not end with us staying together, it was for the best for us. But there is a good chance that yours is different.

You sound a lot like me, how you are debating whether to drive an hour to see him when you have a test you could (and probably should) be studying for. I gave up a lot of myself in past relationships, gave up a lot of time I should have devoted to myself and studies or work or family or whatever.

I think if you slow it down a little (and by slow it down, I mean don't make him the only priority in your life... school, friends, family, etc. should all be mixed in), you and him both will come to a realization about what you really want in your relationship.

Have you talked to him at all about this recently?

Ya, I tend to put many other things before myself, including family issues, friend issues, and trying to make the boyfriend happy. In the end sometimes I feel like when a relationship like this doesn't work out, it must have been that I didn't try hard enough, when in reality I was probably just trying too hard.

I talked to him about this a little over two months ago when I found CD's in his car from another girl, and asked him about them. He plainly lied to my face about when he received them (when the date was written in permanent marker right on the CD!). This was on our way to the beach for the weekend for my birthday, and kind of ruined the whole trip... because I was too wussy to say anything about it right then and there.

Not to mention we stayed in an awesome hotel on the beach and for three days and had sex a total of one time.

When we got back I grew some balls and asked him why he lied to me about, and his response was that he didn't want to hurt my feelings because he cares about me. So we had a conversation about where we were and he told me that he had no desire to date anyone else anymore and that he was focused on us. He kissed my for the next couple days and then everything went back to normal.

In my head I'm still trying to get over the fact that he lied directly to my face, about something so silly. Then I try to think about when he was going out on dates with these other women he had to have been lying to me about where he was those nights, because we have been talking every night on the phone practically since February.

I have been avoiding talking to him about this again... which is why I wanted to get some advice on this website. I feel myself wanting to take a step back and make him chase for once, but then I think, what if he doesn't? Which causes me to panic, thinking about losing him.

So. I will try to grow a backbone in the next couple of days and figure out what it is I want to do.

Thanks for being there... I am so confused.

Hmm... there seems to be a couple red flags in your latest post that make me think that taking a step back is definitely the right thing to do.

If he lies about little things to not hurt your feelings, he will lie about big things as to not hurt your feelings as well.

I know that the possibility of losing him seems awful, but you should stand up for yourself and try to work together to fix why you are unhappy. If you slowing it down a bit causes him to leave you, then I'm not certain he was ever really in it whole-heartedly.

Sure you stand the risk of losing him, but do nothing and you stand the risk of staying in something that you are uncertain of.


And on another note, anytime I've ever made CD's and given to a guy, it was not done so in a platonic fashion!

I've been distant all day... tried to find a good reason why I couldn't come down and see him, and I caved!

Couldn't find a way to not go without having a conversation over the phone I don't want to have right now.

Ugh.

First of I think you need to slow things down IF you want to be with him... you have dated/been seeing each other for 6 months. 6 Months might seem like a long time but it really isn't and for right now wouldn't it be possible to just lean back and enjoy his company, getting to know one another a little better?

As for knowing where this is going to go... you've only been dating for 6 months, relax! That will come in time,

As for the intimacy issue, maybe spending a few more nights apart wouldn't be such a bad idea. This might also loosen up the intimacy problems the two of you have.. if it doesn't resolve the problem then you need to have a talk about it.

As for the CD you found, sometimes we have to take a leap of faith, you haven't know each other for so long and you haven't been exclusive even less and something's from his past might pop up, but when he said he lied because he didn't want to hurt your feelings, why shouldn't you trust that?

It seems as if you are planing to break up with him! Why is that?

Although you prob won't like it, I think you're overreacting a bit on some levels here, not on the intimacy part...

Have you talked about marriage? Not necessarily with one another, but how he feels about being married in general?

I dated a man ten years older than me, and our situation sounds somewhat similar to what you describe. We lived together and were exclusive, yet he never spoke of our future, and would joke to his friends about how he is never getting married, etc. I finally came to the realization that this man was afraid of the permanent commitment that is marriage.

Also, the intimacy thing sounds familiar as well. I'm not sure if that is an issue common with the age difference, but it was certainly prevalent in our relationship. At the time, I felt exactly as you describe: "I feel like sex has become a chore, and I am too young and like sex too much for this to be my reality."

Also, it could be that he is perfectly satisfied with how your relationship is now, and sees no reason for improvement. You already live there and sleep in the same bed together... (I think that was a problem I faced as well).

I agree, sometimes people are at different 'levels' and places in their life and what they are feeling or hearing can be totally different from what you are saying or feeling.

Another point, if he is not ready but wants the benefits of togetherness and HAS IT... why would he (or she for that matter) want to give more... for what... a legal commitment? Especially if they are not ready to do that... but would rather just 'coast' along.

I do not feel that he will budge unless you shove him, then you will find out what's real.

Stringer

First of I think you need to slow things down IF you want to be with him... you have dated/been seeing each other for 6 months. 6 Months might seem like a long time but it really isn't and for right now wouldn't it be possible to just lean back and enjoy his company, getting to know one another a little better?

As for knowing where this is going to go... you've only been dating for 6 months, relax! That will come in time,

as for the intimacy issue, maybe spending a few more nights apart wouldn't be such a bad idea. This might also loosen up the intimacy problems the two of you have.. if it doesn't resolve the problem then you need to have a talk about it.

As for the CD you found, sometimes we have to take a leap of faith, you haven't know each other for so long and you haven't been exclusive even less and somethings from his past might pop up, but when he said he lied because he didn't want to hurt your feelings, why shouldn't you trust that?

It seems as if you are planing to break up with him! Why is that?

although you prob won't like it, I think you're overreacting a bit on some levels here, not on the intimacy part...


OK so there are a few things I agree with you on... and some I don't. I guess to clarify a little more... we have been "seriously" dating for six months, and were "getting to know" each other for a few months before that. I do agree that six months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things.

BUT (and there is always a but), the only issue I have is with how the whole situation makes me feel. I can't change the fact that his complacency makes me feel unwanted. His lack of intimacy makes me feel like a buddy instead of a girlfriend. His LYING makes me not trust him, no matter how small of a lie it is.

I don't want to break up with him, but I do want a meaningful relationship. I am tired of the dating circle. Does that mean I want to force something like marriage at this point? Of course not. I just know how I feel about this guy and most of the time I don't know how he feels about me. I guess I am the type of person that likes to hear it every once in a while.

Maybe I am overreacting... but its what I do best! ;) I am a scientist at heart, and need to see/know all the facts before moving forward with something.

Thanks for your advice... got me thinking.

I agree, sometimes people are at different 'levels' and places in their life and what they are feeling or hearing can be totally different from what you are saying or feeling.

Another point, if he is not ready but wants the benefits of togetherness and HAS IT....why would he (or she for that matter) want to give more....for what....a legal commitment? Especially if they are not ready to do that....but would rather just 'coast' along.

I do not feel that he will budge unless you shove him, then you will find out what's real.

Stringer

Stringer: So do you mean that he already has what HE wants, so there is no point for him to make any further moves? Is that a good or a bad thing in your perspective? Where does that leave me?

Are you saying I should or shouldn't shove him to find out the truth?

Stringer: So do you mean that he already has what HE wants, so there is no point for him to make any further moves? Is that a good or a bad thing in your perspective? Where does that leave me?

Are you saying I should or shouldn't shove him to find out the truth?

While I agree that six months is not a long time, issues have developed that seem to concern you a lot. If they go unattended to, they will show up in another form that will not be productive and will undermine the relationship. The difference is that you and he are apparently not seeing it in the same way.

Although personally I like 'clearing the table' in relationships, I can see his position as I said prior. For some reason, he has a different posture/position.

I know that it is easier to offer an opinion when not emotionally involved however I know that if physical and emotional needs are being met then one may just say to themselves why would I want change? Commitment happens when you want it.

In my opinion, if he truly was 'committed' he would want to move this forward also, he doesn't appear to want that. Sorry, I know that you love him.

After my divorce and before I met my lovely wife, I dated for many years. Some of these relationships were somewhat 'committed' in that I dated no one else, but honestly even after a year or so with any of these women I would ask myself 'is this the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with?' And even though I believed that I loved them and that we 'worked' my answer was always... 'no.' And then I/we decided to end it (some are still friends).

When I was introduced to my wife I knew it would be something real and very special. How? Lord, I don't really know how to put that in a short sentence, but I knew she was it.

So maybe what I am saying is... does he feel this way? I think that you need to find out.

Stringer

Hey Stinger-

Thanks for your words of wisdom. I think you really understand where I am coming from.

Here's the thing: I have been in a few long term relationships as well, and just like you said, I always loved the person and we got along just fine, but I knew I didn't want to be with them for the rest of my life. Its completely different with this guy, I just KNOW. That doesn't mean I want to shove marriage and family down his throat, hell, I 'm not even sure if I want kids. But I'm like you where I just want things out on the table, plain and simple. If he doesn't feel the same way about me, then fine, but allow me to move on and meet someone who does.

I guess the easiest thing to do would just be to suck it up and ASK. Like you said, it seems like he doesn't feel this way and that sucks, but at least I will know. I just don't want to push him away.

Hey Stinger-

Thanks for your words of wisdom. I think you really understand where I am coming from.

Here's the thing: I have been in a few long term relationships as well, and just like you said, I always loved the person and we got along just fine, but I knew I didn't want to be with them for the rest of my life. Its completely different with this guy, I just KNOW. That doesn't mean I want to shove marriage and family down his throat, hell, I 'm not even sure if I want kids. But I'm like you where I just want things out on the table, plain and simple. (1.) If he doesn't feel the same way about me, then fine, but allow me to move on and meet someone who does.

I guess the easiest thing to do would just be to suck it up and ASK. Like you said, it seems like he doesn't feel this way and that sucks, but at least I will know. (2.) I just don't want to push him away.

The two 'bolded' sentences above in your post;

1. Under the present circumstances, he won't.

2. Don't ask, he will stay, it's that simple hon.

But your situation may never change. Sorry, this is how I feel, but I wish you the best.

Stringer

Your expectations are way to high for someone you have only known for 8 or nine months.

To much to fast, crash and burn.

The thing is your original posts are all about assumptions, and expectations, that you have, that you have pushed, and even though you have talked for hours, you must not of been listening, or not paying attention when he said he isn't ready for what you want.

Maybe not in words, but certainly not in actions. His history according to what you have written bears that out, but as long as you see things from just your perspective, you will never see his, so its best to slow down, way down, as a matter of fact, stop pushing, and either leave him alone, or let him catch up, at his own pace.

You do this by balancing your life with a lot of other things besides him, and don't get caught up, or carried away by just your own feelings, or the romantic things you do together.

If nothing else, this inability to work together to resolve your issues is a pure lack of communications. Unfortunately, neither of you are mind readers, but are strangers, who have some work to do.

You can't do it by yourself. He has to be willing to do his part, if he is ready. So back off, and give him space to process, and understand what each of you is really saying.

Let him chase you a bit. That means not being so easily available. Communications is what your lacking though. Why??? One of you doesn't listen, and the other doesn't talk.

You're right. I've backed off. And been proven what I thought all along. So thank you for telling me I haven't been listening. Because I am now.