Help me. I don’t know what to do.
My husband is no longer attracted to me (he has sad it), and as a result I live in a sexless marriage.
I now sleep in the guest room since about a month, because every rejection hurts too much, it is not worth it. I have totally given up on sex and my self-esteem is lower than it has ever been. Having sex with someone that just has sex with you out of pity doesn’t exactly help your self-esteem. I cry myself to sleep at night.

He watches animated porn/pictures daily, and takes care of his own business. I normally would not mind him watching porn, but when I am at his disposal and he would rather jerk himself off it hurts.

I have put on some weight, and after talking about how unattractive I am I started to lose weight. I lost 10 pounds, but then became pregnant. Here I am, hornier than ever, in a body that doesn’t suit my husband and the inability to do anything about it, seeing as I am pregnant. I feel like starving myself, but I am afraid to hurt the baby.

Having grown up with divorced parents I have promised myself not to put any eventual children through the same thing, but will I be able to stay in a sexless marriage? Is it fair to put this child to the world? Is there a way to save this marriage?
I love him so much it hurts. Every time I think about this I get a physical pain in my chest.

We have been together for over 3,5 years.

You have to feel better about yourself. I'm sure others are going to have better advice but I would find a counsellor you can talk to. Go by yourself. If he'll go, too, fine. If not, go by yourself.

If he has an addiction to porn, address that with him AFTER you speak to a professional.

And I'll add - this is NOT your fault!

If his feelings for you have changed, why are you still in this marriage?

I agree that marriage counselling should be your first step at attempting to repair the marriage. But if there's no progress in all your attempts to repair the marriage, why aren't you considering divorce?

There's no reason for you to suffer and living the guest room.

Furthermore, you have a child coming soon. You must act in the child's best interest. An unhealthy marriage is definitely not in your child's best interest. So either work on the marriage or leave it. But don't allow this type of arrangement + relationship go on.

He says he loves me. I ask him how he can love me, but not find me attractive? He says love is so much more than sex...
I love him despite all his flaws. He could put on a 100 pounds, and I would still find him attractive. I just can't find people that I love unattractive.

I have not confronted him about being a porn addict yet. I don't think he knows I know that he watches this fantasy porn and jerks off daily.
I don't want to give up on our marriage so easily if we can fix it.

Like a relative to any addict I keep questioning and blaming myself. Maybe I am exaggerating? Maybe watching porn several times a day and jerking of every day is normal?
Where do you draw the line? What is normal?
I can understand men who won't get laid and resort to porn instead, but I am MORE than willing to have sex with him. I am dying to have sex with him.

Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, you should bring it up with him. Sounds like you have such a poor communication system. You definitely need to work on that aspect.

If you don't feel that your attempts at building a stronger comunication system isn't working, it would be strongly recommended that you have a third party present to assist, such as a marriage counsellor.

You definitely need to express your concerns to him. Otherwise, you are just building your fustraction level and that's very unhealthy. You need to take a more proactive approach in repairing this marriage because you're the one who's unhappy, while he seems perfectly content. But that's unfair to you. There's no reason for you to suffer. So go do something about it!

I'm wondering if he is saying he's not attracted to you, because he knows that will give him distance intimately with you, in order to satisfy his sexual appetite with the porn.

It's quite effective really when you think about it. He has put a stop to having sex with you, but he is still having sex. Plus he's got you feeling guilty, depressed, and responsible for him not wanting sex with you.

While I think it is a good idea to address the issue flat out, I don't know why you don't see a connection with his behaviour, and how you feel. Why have you not asked him about the porn, and put that out for discussion. If he's doing himself once a day, unless he's a superstud, he's not going to turn to you afterwards is he.

He's got it good. You feeling responsible for him not finding you sexually attractive (which I don't think is it at all), sleeping in the guest room being miserable and giving him all this space to do his own thing.

I can only tell you what I would do, and that would be the porn would not be kept secret, he would have to back up his words as to why he's not physically attractive to me, and he'd have to agree to seek counselling to address the intimacy issues that HE has created in the marriage.

To deny you even the opportunity to express yourself with the facts, is only to be an enabler of very bad behaviour within the marriage. I'm not saying porn is the cause, I'm saying porn is the excuse.

He needs to wake up and smell the coffee here, smarten the hell up, and get real.

Have you asked if you could watch with him? He may get turned on by it, and you may wind up in a little fantasy situation... just a thought.

have you asked if you could watch with him? he may get turned on by it, and you may wind up in a little fantasy situation... just a thought.


He told her he is no longer attracted to her - I think it's beyond the "watch porn together" stage.

To OP - how do you know how often he's watching porn and if he's getting satisfaction from it?

How does he treat you? Does he disrespect you in other ways? For him to tell you that he's not attracted to you while your pregnant, is very hateful. That is a very delicate time in a woman's life . Pregnant women need special loving, attention, to be told how pretty they are.

This guy doesn't have a clue.

By the way, why isn't HE in the guestroom?

Would he consider counseling?

How would he take it if you mentioned going to Porn Addicts Anonymous?

If you want to stay married to this guy, something has got to give.

Bottom line is this is a time when you should happy and preparing for the new baby. But he's not really letting you do that. You should sit down with him and get all of this out in the open.

Good luck to you.

ALL WOMEN need special loving attention, to be told how pretty they are. Don't think pregnant women have the market on this one!

But I do agree that when hormones are pretty much raging it does help -

All right. He treats me very well and is very loving. I still get hugs and pecks on the mouth.
The reason he finally told me that he wasn't attracted to me anymore was because I kept bringing this non-sexual state up as an issue. I also told him that in my previous relationships (when I was a younger) it always started with me not feeling up for sex anymore, and shortly thereafter I would break up. So I told him this was a big worry, that he was falling out of love.
He finally said "I'm just gonna say it, okay?" And my heart jumped, thinking he was going to break up with me or something. But he said "The attraction just isn't there anymore." While it hurt me terribly it was still a relief cause I had expected worse.

And the reason I know is because he gets up 30 minutes earlier every morning (while I am still in bed) to sit in front of the computer. Every time I come into our computer room he closes his browsing window, even though the computer is facing the other way, I can see that in his glasses. I have gone in to the computer room and seen him with his pants undone, and he is trying to hide it. The other night I got up and I ran into him outside the computer room with a folded toilet paper that he uses to get rid of his . He throws that same paper in the toilet every time he is done, but he doesn't bother flushing. I can obviously also see when he goes in the shower if he has a semi-hardon indicating he has just been taking care of business in the computer room. And so on.
Even when we went to a tradeshow in another city on the weekend, he had to use my laptop for the ten minutes I was in the shower, to browse his fantasy porn. When he undressed to have his shower after mine, I was wondering why the hard-on so I looked at recently closed tabs (this was my laptop) and there were all these fantasy pics.

I have been reading a lot about porn addiction today, and all the symptoms are: "You become anti-social. You lie to your partner. You deny it and hide it. Your partner is no longer attractive. Your sexlife with your partner is suffering."
He has all those symptoms, but as a relative to any addict I have been blaming myself, and even while reading all of this I am still trying to protect him, thinking that "watching porn everyday might not be as weird as I think. Maybe I'm making a hen out of a feather."
But being compared with something, and in this case not even REAL porn stars, but actual 3D-models and the such - of course he is going to find me unattractive. And like someone said, no matter how much weight I loose or whatever, I will never be able to look like them. They are not REAL!

The first time I should have reacted was last year when we moved to our new house. I was packing away and stumbled over a bag of XBOX and PS games, they were all boxing, wrestling etc. with almost undressed women. Or they were just wearing some porn-looking little suit. Now, the fact that he had to hide these GAMES, should have rang a bell. If you just enjoyed them as games, why hide them? So obviously he has a disorder.

Anyway, he came back from work today and I confronted him. I asked him "Have you considered the possibility that you might be addicted to porn?" At first he got a little angry, asking me where I had gotten that idea. I told him I had researched all day, and he has all the symptoms. We talked, without fighting, and he actually agreed that he might have a problem.
He now promised me he wouldn't watch this anymore unless we watched it together. Again - I don't mind watching porn WITH him, being included. Heck, one of my fantasies is to see him help himself out, but he is too prude. (Maybe because of the stigma of the addiction?) I have never seen him masturbate in 3,5 years.

So I will see how much this promise is worth. And if he can't quit on his own, I am going to suggest therapy.

Thanks for all your kind words. I am trying to convince me this is not my fault, but it is really hard not to blame myself.

He may not be able to quit on his own and he really does need to see a therapist. Not a bad idea for you either, although you do understand this is NOT YOUR FAULT.

You sound like a strong, sensible woman - please let us know how this plays out.

And remember to take care of yourself.

AND IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

If he will, I think this group will really help. It's "kin" to Alcoholics Anonymous. It's a 12 step program that is free, anonymous, and worldwide. This addiction is very common, and he should not be ashamed. It's really very common now that the internet is full of so many pornographic sites.

PornAddictsAnonymous.org, Porn Addicts Anonymous (http://pornaddictsanonymous.org/)

Comments on this post
jmjoseph agrees: I Know all women need this . I meant pregnant women ESPECIALLY. I think you know that.


Got it and knew what you meant - just thought I'd put a word in on behalf of women everywhere who once in a while (at least) would like to hear they are still smoking.

I moved back into to the bedroom last night. This morning before work he didn't even turn the computer on. He slept an extra 20 minutes instead, had a shower, then left for work.
Good sign, but I also know that the first couple of days are going to be the easiest... Then the urge will be back.

Listen, going against the grain here.

The Porn is just a symptom... it is not the problem.

"Withholding" is one of the worst forms of Mental abuse and it has to do with control.

Sure, treat the Porn addiction as if this is the problem, but I;m here to say that this is about control and power in the relationship.

A spouse saying things like "I don't love you" or "You are not attractive" is a form of Verbal abuse and is also a way to gain control in the relationship.

You need to look up "signs of abuse' on Google....just research what pops up.

You also need to buy the book "Love must be tough" (recommended by someone else on this forum) This tactic has been the "only" thing my spouse has responded to.

The opposite is "The Love Dare"...but this is not about falling out of love with each other like the "Love Dare" addresses.....this story you tell has to do with abuse....."Love must be Tough" has the answers you seek

Maybe he didn't mean it when he said you were unattrative. Maybe he has low self asteem and thinks of himself as unattractive. He might just want to push you away so he can't be rejected by you. And don't worry if it doesn't work out with him. Many people raise children together without relationships and the kids are fine. It's important to be on a civilized level with him though It makes it eaiser to do. Hope things get better though cause you seem to love him a lot.

Well I totally think the problem is that he compares me with these 3D fantasy models, and of course I will look unattractive.
If I looked at tanned, naked, slim men with 6-packs all day, I'm sure his little belly, hairy torso and so on would look unattractive to me too.
I think he hasn't been watching any since I brought this up, but it is probably just a matter of time before he will.

You seem to have made good progress by getting facts, and honestly expressing yourself to your husband, in the right way. You have done well, and I hope you keep it up, and have a very healthy baby, no doubt you both will make good parents, if you keep working together to resolve your problems, to the benefit of you both.

Again well done. :)

Why is it that when a man watches porn to get off with out a woman he's addict, but if a woman and I know many, my wife included can only reach that point with a vibe and do so every day, that's empowerment and therefore acceptable? I find it a cruel double standard. Maybe if you embrace your husbands source of pleasure like society would expect your man to accept and embrace your use of toys. I think you'd find yourself in a better place on this issue.

Jason

Why is it that when a man watches porn to get off with out a woman he's addict, but if a woman and I know many, my wife included can only reach that point with a vibe and do so every day, that's empowerment and therefore acceptable? I find it a cruel double standard. Maybe if you embrace your husbands source of pleasure like society would expect your man to accept and embrace your use of toys. I think you'd find yourself in a better place on this issue.

Jason



Your wife and many other women you know use a vibrator daily and this doesn't present a problem for you or, presumably, the men in the lives of those other women?

Interesting and good for you. You seem rather hostile about the whole vibrator issue but maybe that's just your writing style.

The situation here is that the husband is having "porno sex" INSTEAD of having sex with his wife, who is a willing partner and she is unhappy.

Apparently you are not unhappy with the situation. Maybe you're a better man than most. I know any number of men who would be threatened and made to feel "incompetent" if their wives/girlfriends relied on a vibrator on a daily basis. All the women you know can't possibly have extremely high sex drives. Or maybe they do.

Maybe that's your situation; maybe it's not. Maybe this was your chance to make a political statement; maybe it's not. Maybe your wife uses a vibrator daily and also has sex with you; maybe not.

However, your quasi-answer doesn't answer the question.

As some others have said above, I think you have been really brave and done really well to openly confront this difficult issue. Communication is so so important in a relationship, otherwise resentment and dissatisfaction breeds and eventually leads to the destruction of the relationship.

I find porn a really difficult issue. In my experiencemany men watch porn in their spare time especially when they are young. I think that it becomes a problem when it starts creating a rift in your relationship, the watcher spend excessive amounts of time watching porn, or if the watcher starts to let porn dictate all aspects of their sex life including expectations of appearance etc... this probably happens all the time in our society today because porn is so easy to access on the web and is all around us.

I think that the reason that porn is watched is probably most important. Is porn an adjunct to the relationship that enhances it? (acceptable) Is porn an occasional adjunct to a persons sexual life? (acceptable) Is porn a substitute for intimacy with the other partner? (not good) Does porn become the gold-standard by which all sexual experiences are measured? (bad)

I do think that porn can be part of a healthy sexual relationship especially if the couple watches it together, or the watcher (occasionally?) shares fantasies with the other person and the other person is comfortable with that/turned on.

It sound like porn has infiltrated your husbands life... and is a problem in your relationship. I think that the most important thing for you to realise right now, is that this aspect is definitely not your fault. Porn may not be the only problem however... It may be a symptom of other problems? Why did you stop being intimate in the first place.. I don't believe that this is a simple case of him not being physically attracted to you... What was your relationship like before? Did you have a good connection in the first place (were you both in love?) In other words have you lost something?? If this is the case then why did things start to go wrong... Was it poor communication? Conflict of some sort? Another woman/man? Disagreements? Sexual problems? Shyness? You need to think really hard about these things and that means both of you. You need to talk about what went wrong, any resentments you may both bear. There are always reasons we choose to isolate ourselves from those we love. The truth may be hard to bear but you can only get through this if you identify things that you can work through... HONESTY and COMMUNICATION.

From my point of view it sounds like you have lost your sense of self in this relationship. You are making all of the effort in this relationship. You have taken the problems of this relationship on your shoulders. The bottom line is that YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY AND MAKE AN EFFORT AND ALSO STOP BEING SUCH AN . Otherwise he is going to lose you. He needs to look within himself and make some changes. You deserve better right and don't forget that.

You need to remember who you are and remember the good things about yourself... I don't know what they are... (your qualities, your motherhood, your body, your health, your friends, people who value you). I know from experience that a bad relationship can eat away at yourself confidence and can become the bench post by which you define yourself and yourself worth. Don't LET IT BE THIS WAY... Remember to be a person/individual in a relationship and don't get lost in the relationship.

About the weight thing... Don't starve yourself! Please... Be proud to be pregnant. It is a wonderful thing. Most women put on weight during preganncy and there is nothing that can be done about it. I agree with Joseph: he should be making you feel attractive during this time because a lot of women feel moody and frumpy and not themselves during pregnancy. Don't judge yourself by your weight. Eat for your baby. He is an if he is going to be usupportive during your pregnancy.

One last thing. In my experience, men don't always pick up on things/feelings/subtleties/hints. You need to be very vocal about what you are feeling (use I statements) and what you need (be specific) and what you want him to do about it (this could be about anything that you feel) e.g. say things like "I feel really sad that we dont have sex anymore. It makes me feel unattractive and unwanted. It is really important to me that we have sex sometimes otherwise I feel very alone and upset"

Keep up the good work

Hi is it too late to comment on this, I would like to know how your relationship is after the baby, its been a few years now. I am in the exact situation as you are, exactly I got goose bumps reading your story. Please comment I would like to discuss this with someone who is in the same boat as I am. Married for 11 years to a sexless marriage I have an 8 year old son and I have been sleeping in my sons room now for 6 years now, we have sex about 2 -3 times a year, its horrible.