Ey everyone,


Im fairly new to this site, and I have few questions... My girlfriend and I have had a rocky relationship for 5 years, and there is no doubt that I love her and she loves me. WEe've been breaking up and getting back together often recently, and the last time we broke up, I slept with someone, and I was devisted when I found that she did the same thing... Since then we got back together, but this past week I said some off the wall means things because I felt she didn't want to hear me vent about the day I had at work... I posted some hurtful things on Facebook that my cousin who is her best friend relayed back to her. I;ve since then deleted my cousin as a friend, just for stirring up the drama even more. My cousin is in an abusiverelationship with her husband so I figured she wanted to rile things up.

When I apologized the next morning she just said she wants me out of her life because she is tired of this stressful pattern(in which I can understand). This incident happened on Tuesday 8/25/09. She told me she was through on Thursday. We have a history of this and getting back together I will tell you now... Since that time She's blocked me from facebook(she wasn't my friend on there to begin with) & blocked calls from me/sent me to voicemail frequently... It is very hard for me to sleep, I do keep busy at work and at the gym... this works, but there's the long nights... All I can imagine is her being sexual with someone else due to what happened the last time we broke up.

Thursday- Sunday she has not responded to my texts and I can't get through as it goes to voicemail. On Friday night she did send me a text saying she did not get back to me on thursdays because God was dealing with her and she was praying. After that, I've been texting, and when Ive ben calling, its gone str8t to voicemail. Because I can no longer sit and wait for her response, I decided out the blue to change my phone number so that I wouldn't have to wonder if she is trying to call me. I;ve given the new number to all my relatives that she is close to so if she really needs to reach me she can go through my relatives. I do feel bad for changing the phone number... The other image that gets me is when we got back together 2 weeks ago and she cried on my shoulders quite a while saying she missed me.


I know they say to keep busy, and that's what I've been doing. There is someone else that REALLY likes me right now, but I still can't seem to get over her, although technically its only been since this past Friday with her last text. Im thinking of taking sleeping pills to help me sleep at night...

I am stuck, I feel like texting or giving her my new number, but if she doesn't respond, then I will be back to square one... Any suggestions would be greatly aprreciated...

I must add that I did tell her on Thursday that I needed to work on myself because I do or say things sometimes without thinking first and I admit that

So do just that-work on yourself.this isn't a relationship it's a rollercoaster ride to nowhere.too much drama-a lot of growing up needed

Hello,
Perhaps this time an extended time apart will give you and her more perspective on the relationship.

You were both emotionally abusing each other,you both had sex with other people when it had just finished the last time,if it was really that gut wrenching to end,how easy it was to have sex with someone new.

She does not want to hear from you,as you said if she wanted to she easily could.

If in a few days you do talk and start this pattern again,think about what has happened this last week,and ask yourself is this relationship worth this?

Just one more thing.. you told her you needed to work on yourself for a while,that perhaps cooldude is exactly what you should do.

Thank you for your replies, I understand that. And I am going to work on myself. I feel that I lost someone good. And I can't get those Images of who she is having sex with now, especially what I found out the last time we broke up... Im not sleeping. I can literally look at the ceiling for hours during the night which is why I'm taking sleeping pills


My only thing was how I changed my number dramatically. I felt like I just cut her off with no explanation

Keeping busy does work, but u STill will have those moments... Even though you are in a bad relationship and u KNOW it was bad, you still miss that person a lot

I also feel bad for telling off my cousin(her best friend) who leaked that information to her from Facebook. I will see my cousin on labor day during our family function, so maybe my cousin and I will be back on good terms

This relationship sounds Toxic , constantly breaking up and getting back together shows that you obviously don't learn from your mistakes and it sounds like she's finally had enough.

Give her some space and spend your energy on trying to work out why you keep breaking up , that way if you do get back together down the track you may be able to make the relationship work.

I do feel bad for changing the phone number...Any suggestions would be greatly aprreciated...

I've had a number changed on me, and it may have even been warranted if that's possible; I'm still undecided. But, I do know it wasn't cool, dude. If you truly feel sorry about it, man up and give her an apology in person or by letter, email, text if you think in person would be explosive. Doesn't have to be fancy, just say "I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that and I just wanted you to know." Feel free to add anything else you're sorry for and let it stand by itself. Do not ask her to contact you or anything else. If this is the last communication you two ever have, at least you won't have any loose ends that you could've/should've done and that will go a long way toward peace of mind and a restful night.

It's a roller coaster of a unhelathy relationship.Do yourself both a favor and move on. Your both at fault, you slept with different people, that isn't love. People learn from there mistakes.

Just let it go buddy, to many things have happen between you both for them to ever be the same. Its time to move on to the next faze of your life.

You will have many feelings like this to deal with after a break up. It has happen to us all, at one time or another, so don't feel like this is only happening to you. In time we overcome those feelings, and move on. That's what you need is time to deal with it, and get over it.

Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum.

Dude "NO CONTACT" is the best thing you can do.

This relationship is over dude. That's fact!

You are supposely in sooo in love. But you are constantly breaking up and both of you cheated on each other?

This relationship was over a long time ago.

Move on dude.

NO CONTACT... work on yourself...

I've had a number changed on me, and it may have even been warranted if that's possible; I'm still undecided. But, I do know it wasn't cool, dude. If you truly feel sorry about it, man up and give her an apology in person or by letter, email, text if you think in person would be explosive. Doesn't have to be fancy, just say "I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that and I just wanted you to know." Feel free to add anything else you're sorry for and let it stand by itself. Do not ask her to contact you or anything else. If this is the last communication you two ever have, at least you won't have any loose ends that you could've/should've done and that will go a long way toward peace of mind and a restful night.





One thing though... She didn't answer my calls or text for the last 7 days... Why should she even care or get upset that I changed my phone number?? My Aunt who happens to be best friends with my Ex and who also lives across the hall from my ex has my new number. I explained to my aunt that I would contact my Ex eventually, but that right now I just needed to work on myself. For the last 7 days I had no clue what or who she was doing, because look what happened last time we broke up...

Part of me wants to give her the new number, and BELIEVE me, I get the urge CONSTANTLY. The other part sinks in and says if she cared, she wouldve responded in one way or the other...

Dude "NO CONTACT" is the best thing you can do.

This relationship is over dude. Thats fact!

Yall are supposely in sooo in love. But yall are constantly breaking up and both of you cheated on eachother?

This relationship was over a long time ago.

Move on dude.

NO CONTACT...work on yourself...



I wouldn't call that cheating... We were broken up... How is that cheating? Just curious to know... I see some of you see as that

Thank you for all of your replies by the way... Belive me, I appreciate them... I will tell you that my nights are the Hardest to get through...

Time is the greatest healer!

You had enough dramas already, learned enough lessons, and it is time for you to move on. You did the right thing, and do not update your ex with your new number to start over the drama again. It is over. There is no future with your ex, and you need to accept it.

When you meet a right person in future, please do not repeat the on-and-off dramas again. Good Luck!

Time is the greatest healer!

Would u still call that cheating if we were broken up but then got back together within a month's time

You had enough dramas already, learned enough lessons, and it is time for you to move on. You did the right thing, and do not update your ex with your new number to start over the drama again. It is over. There is no future with your ex, and you need to accept it.

When you meet a right person in future, please do not repeat the on-and-off dramas again. Good Luck!


Thank you wing ding... I needed to hear that!

I think it wasn't explained right... the cause of the break up last time was not cheating, its never been that...


We both slept with someone else when we broke up and got back together within a months time

You need to step back from this get your life back on track and move on.this is toxic.let it go-for your own sake.

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 5 and a half years we were on and off also I was thinking of changing my number today just so I don't have to wonder if he is trying to call but I don't think I will. If he wanted to talk to me he would call my house, my work.. I can't change everything.. so I guess I just have have to be sad right now

i just broke up with my boyfriend of 5 and a half years we were on and off also i was thinking of changing my number today just so i don't have to wonder if he is trying to call but i don't think i will. if he wanted to talk to me he would call my house, my work..i can't change everything..so i guess i just have have to be sad right now

Sometimes saving yourself is the only thing you can do.

You seem to be focused on her sleeping or not sleeping with other people, you mentioned it once each in your first 3 posts.

You need to get over that.:rolleyes:

I understand that you both slept with other people AFTER you broke up, but come on now... you ALWAYS got back together before and you did again, so unless you were broken up for a while and you both had time to meet and form a relationship with some one else, than it was cheating, because you both probably assumed you were getting back together.

Please work on yourself and don't worry about the phone thing, there are a lot of people with your number and you still have hers.:)

Good Luck.

sometimes saving yourself is the only thing you can do. yes it is! And I wish it were that easy. You are a very positive person, I can only hope to be half

yes it is! and i wish it were that easy. you are a very positive person, i can only hope to be half


Been where you have been,as have many others here.

To the op... listen to the advice given!

My ex contacted me after 5 days and wanted to see me. I declined and then got sent a very manipulative message which once again started the text drama's between us.

I had enough and told my ex that I was changing my phone number, leave me alone, you chose not to be with me so go away.

I changed my number and I tell you what its like a breathe of fresh air... :)

Its amazing what you can do once you've had that head space to think without emotions.

Now I just have to close my email account... That's for next weekend me thinks :cool:

Or you could close it now.:-)

thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it. Ive been too upset to grieve the loss of the relationship, So Ive been hanigng with friends, kissing at the clubs(lol), and just downright having a good time. I do get random thoughts of her still although its only been 2 weeks since the break-up..

Yesterday I went to a 2 year anniversary party my friend and his girlfriend had... That was interesting because my 5 year anniversary wouldve been on September 19...

I am definitely going to be super busy that day so that I won't even have TIME to THINK about that mess...

again, thank you all for your wonderful advice. This may sound weird, but it feels like I'm already over it

again, thank you all for your wonderful advice. This may sound weird, but it feels like im already over it

You may get hit by it again and feel as though you're not, but it's just part of the process.

or you could close it now.:-)

:eek:

Well folks, what do u know? She called me last night and texted me... she obviously found my new number. Im glad I was too gone last night to even realize she called... therefore she went to voicemail...

Ignore her-or you ll be back at square one again.

This is very ODD, because I didn't want her to have my new number, she somehow got it, I've been ignoring her, and now she's blowing my phone up with texts: you may want to read my original story before you read these texts if you are new to this

Here are texts she sent me today, keep in mind I still haven't responded yet:

12:00pm- "Hello"?

12:05pm- "I can tell your not interested in seeing me. Its cool. Have fun. I shouldve left things the way they were. Now I feel stupid"

12:07pm- "And you changed your number. But I guess you're saying you dont want me having your number. If so then ok, just let me know."

12:10pm- "Well i can take a hint....Be safe"

1:00pm- "Look....I love you! I miss you! I wanna see you! But if you;ve moved on and im nothing to you, then dont be an ....just be real"

1:05pm- "My feelings dont change with the wind....I'm not sure about others. This is my life, and I care about who's in and out of it"

1:10pm- "So if you feel adversely, just keep ignoring me and i'll know how to handle this and forward. Myabe I shouldve taken the hint"

1:15pm- "After all that, you have nothing to say?"

1:17pm- "My feelings are really hurt"

1:19pm- "I miss you"

1:23pm- "You must not feel the same way"

1:30pm- "Hello?? why are u ignoring me?, like I did something to you"

1:33pm- "Now I feel like im harrassing you...I can't believe you"



Any thoughts... these were all the texts from her today. Keep in mind she ignored me for a week, until I changed my number if you've read my original post

Don't respond!

You not responding is making her wonder what she has done,the second you respond your roped back in and back to square one.

If you can turn off your phone.

Find the strength to NOTreply to those messages ;dont let her manipulative ways get to you.break the pattern of break up-make up-breakup!

Doesn't matter how she got your number.

Don't play along with her mind games.

Just ignore and move forward. DON'T walk backwards.

thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it. Ive been too upset to grieve the loss of the relationship, So Ive been hanigng with friends, kissing at the clubs(lol), and just downright having a good time. I do get random thoughts of her still although its only been 2 weeks since the break-up..

Yesterday I went to a 2 year anniversary party my friend and his girlfriend had.....That was interesting because my 5 year anniversary wouldve been on September 19.....

I am definately going to be super busy that day so that I wont even have TIME to THINK about that mess....

again, thank you all for your wonderful advice. This may sound weird, but it feels like im already over it

I just have to say this... reading your posts especially the one quoted above is just rubbing me the wrong way... YOUR SO NOT OVER HER. Not to mention that everything you do is almost in a way to "Get back or Get even" you don't know what she is doing so you are out to out do her. Please be safe and respectful to yourself. Not to mention... changing your number is not going to stop you from thinking about whether she is trying to contact you... you were still thinking about it and now that she has you are secretly HAPPY. Your happy that now you have the power... stop playing games and do the necessary work.
Leave it alone and GROW UP.
No hard feelings, I think you needed a little tough love... Treat yourself with more respect and stop playing games.

ey everyone,


Since then we got back together, but this past week I said some off the wall means things because I felt she didnt want to hear me vent about the day I had at work...I posted some hurtful things on facebook that my cousin who is her best friend relayed back to her. I;ve since then deleted my cousin as a friend, just for stirring up the drama even more. My cousin is in an abusiverelationship with her husband so i figured she wanted to rile things up.


..

Not to mention... that this is all about you... what your feeling and what your missing and you you you. Your being selfish. Your cousin most likley was giving the girl a heads up that you were being immature and posting horrible things, Not because she wanted to stir things up but that she wanted the girl to know that is the fair thing to do. NOBODY DESERVES THAT. Particularly from someone that states that they LOVE you. 5 years, really. That is a long time to turn on someone every time things don't go your way.

Sounds like she's offering you another ticket to get on that Rollercoaster again.

Your choice buddy but you know how rough that ride is , and you keep wanting to go back :rolleyes:

Not to mention.... that this is all bout you.... what your feeling and what your missing and you you you. Your being selfish. Your cousin most likley was giving the girl a heads up that you were being immature and posting horrible things, Not because she wanted to stir things up but that she wanted the girl to know that is the fair thing to do. NOBODY DESERVES THAT. Particularly from someone that states that they LOVE you. 5 years, really. That is a long time to turn on someone every time things don't go your way.



Immature or NOT, I'm NOT going BACk to that RELATIONSHIP! IT was TOXIC! I've slept with 2 people in the past week, and this whole time, do you know what I think it was? Lust! We've both slept around after out break up make up patterns. If I got back with her, I would be having images of her doing something with someone behind my back. I hope she drives herself Nuts trying to reach me!!

Sorry to be so harsh, but I needed to Vent

Good,looks like you have grown a little back bone and said no.

Keep up the no contact...

(by the way,sleeping around will wreak yourself esteam... just thought I sneak that in there)

People usually go one of two ways after a break up, they stagnate and isolate themselves, they wish they were dead,don't wash,cry,play sad love songs... or they hit the town running,jumping from one bed to the next... it just slows the healing process,you will recover faster and be stronger if you focus on you.. just for a while,grow,you'll be a better man for it... use your head here,think...

Getting your rocks off only ends up giving you an itch you can't scratch,and I'm talking about problems forming relationships not std's.

good,looks like you have grown a little back bone and said no.

keep up the no contact...

(by the way,sleeping around will wreak your self esteam...just thought i sneak that in there)

people usually go one of two ways after a break up, they stagnate and isolate themselves, they wish they were dead,dont wash,cry,play sad love songs...or they hit the town running,jumping from one bed to the next....it just slows the healing process,you will recover faster and be stronger if you focus on you..just for a while,grow,you'll be a better man for it...use your head here,think...

getting your rocks off only ends up giving you an itch you can't scratch,and im talking about problems forming relationships not std's.



Thank you for that. I REALLY needed to hear that because I was totally going down the wrong path being slutty... That really helped... I thought it was weird to feel the way you described it, because that is exactly how I was feeling, but I guess its normal

Update: I just found out that my ex was seeing someone else towards the end of our relationship, and after the sex with that person, I heard they broke it off... Apparently they were dating for a month as she was trying to rebound to get over me quickly... This is from a close mutual friend... No WONDER she wasn't answering my calls and ignoring me for the last few weeks having me drinking myself to sleep... No WONDER she is blowing up my phone constantly recently... Now things start to make sense...

Does anyone know the signs of being an ex's back-up plan or safety net in case their relationship did not work? Does anyone know what to watch for?

Update: I just found out that my ex was seeing someone else towards the end of our relationship, and after the sex with that person, I heard they broke it off.....Apparently they were dating for a month as she was trying to rebound to get over me quickly.....This is from a close mutual friend......Now WONDER she wasnt answering my calls and ignoring me for the last few weeks having me drinking myself to sleep.......Now WONDER she is blowing up my phone constantly recently...Now things start to make sense......

Does anyone know the signs of being an ex's back-up plan or safety net in case their relationship did not work? Does anyone know what to watch for?

As you go on, more and more things will make sense to you.

Update: I just found out that my ex was seeing someone else towards the end of our relationship, and after the sex with that person, I heard they broke it off.....Apparently they were dating for a month as she was trying to rebound to get over me quickly.....This is from a close mutual friend......Now WONDER she wasnt answering my calls and ignoring me for the last few weeks having me drinking myself to sleep.......Now WONDER she is blowing up my phone constantly recently...Now things start to make sense......

Does anyone know the signs of being an ex's back-up plan or safety net in case their relationship did not work? Does anyone know what to watch for?

Why are you still concerned about what your ex is doing or who she is doing?

Time to move on man.

Does anyone know the signs of being an ex's back-up plan or safety net in case their relationship did not work? Does anyone know what to watch for?

You have both been keeping each other as a back up plan , that's why you keep breaking up and getting back together after you have been together with other people.

It's a viscious cycle that just keeps going until one of you grows some b*lls and puts a stop to it.

Originally Posted by CoolDude48323 https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_imgs/buttons/viewpost.gif (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/changed-phone-number-after-breakup-now-feel-awful-392906-5.html#post1980351)
Does anyone know the signs of being an ex's back-up plan or safety net in case their relationship did not work? Does anyone know what to watch for?

Reread this post again, and you have your answer. This is a good example of two people who are using each other as a safety net, while they explore.

Thanks talanman,


I read it... I sit back and laugh because I remember I told my girflriend that we BOTH need to work on our attitudes and how we respond to each other... And her response was "dont say WE...say YOU.....YOU work on yourself if you feel that is a problem.....If I feel that I have an attitude, I will work on it.....So dont say WE need to work on anything"...

That's what really put the icing on the cake to say I'm through... is there a prblem saying "We Both need to work on......".

No, there's no problem saying 'we both need to work on our relationship'

If your in a relationship!

Stop stressing over the what ifs now,move on!

Flogging a dead horse is not going to change anything... you were both to blame here,. you need to rethink and say.. 'we were both at fault' and leave it there.

Yeah that's true. Ive never met anyone that didn't appreciate someone saying "We need towork on this"... u know yourself, and you know your partner

But you can only control yourself, not your partner.

But you can only control yourself, not your partner.



So Talaniman,


In my next relationship if I decide to ever get in one again,

Are you saying that me saying "We need to work on this" if I feel that we Both have a problem with the same issue that this would be controlling that person's behaviior? If I'm trying to have communication and help resolve the issues, how is it controlling someone else if I'm expressing to them that we Both need to work on our crappy attitudes towards each other? Should I have just admitted my mistakes only?

I know you are experienced. What is your opinion to that?

Better to start with "I", and not we, as your partner may see things differently than you. That gives them the chance to understand YOUR feelings, and not question their own.

Better I think to lead by example, and they follow if their willing, and you are on the right path.

Its much easier to be willing to work together when expressing yourself from your view, and not assume she feels as you do. That gives your partner room to think, and understand, and not feel your putting a problem she may not see in her face.

Then she won't be so defensive, and push back. Nothing is accomplished this way.

"When you have that attitude it makes me feel such and such a way, as opposed to "your attitude turns me off", or "We have a problem. See the difference? Don't attack, or imply blame, or wrong doing.

You talk a lot better I think, when you discuss, calmly, or even emotionally. In addition, back off, and listen, as I clearly sense her reaction was because of the way you came at it.

When you express yourself honestly, use "I", and the feedback, or her reaction to it may be so much better, because she doesn't feel as threatened, if she is mature as your trying to be.

That's true... if someone was in a relationship with you and they kept shooting down your opinions when you were expressing yourself and or seeming not interested in what you have to say, or when you say " i think we should just break this off and be single" and they say "well you have your options" or they say "Well what do u want to do then" when you expres yourself, it means

A. They're in love or liking someone else which means that what you have to say makes no difference anymore

B). They don't respect you... IF someone doesn't respect you, those are the ones that usually cheat and/or use you as a safety net... But when you ignore them for a while(ie sending them to vm constantly) then they go crazy...

I can't even imagine being in another relationship... this still just urks me... I recently rebounded, and now I just hurt that persons feelings because I admitted I wasn't over my ex, and this rebound has been buying me all kinds of things... I never said we were dating, but apparently because I accepted her gifts, she seemed to think so... this new person though I really think cares about me. I would rather just fully get over my ex before dating her

I can't even imagine being in another relationship....this still just urks me...I recently rebounded, and now i just hurt that persons feelings because i admitted i wasnt over my ex, and this rebound has been buying me all kinds of things.....i never said we were dating, but apparently because i accepted her gifts, she seemed to think so...this new person tho i really think cares about me. I would rather just fully get over my ex before dating her

You are right, Rebound relationship only destroy your healing process, and make you shallow. Take some alone time, and heal from the toxic relationship. Do not fill your void with another warm person's body if your heart is not there. It is not good for you, or her.

By the way, when you are in the right relationship with the right person, the breaking up pattern will not happen. That is the first sign you are in the right relationship.