So it started 5 weeks before school started again. My girlfriend and I had been together for a year and a half and were the best of friends. We usually did everything together and always had something exciting and new to do. I had just gotten back from a backpacking trip when my girlfriend – let’s call her Kate – wanted to take me and a couple of her guy friends up to an amusement park. I agreed but was cautious because I didn’t know anything about these friends. She had met them working a job that summer and had gotten to know them pretty well I suppose.

Being the insecure boyfriend, I kept trying to get in the way of her and one of her guy friends – let’s call him Jake. I just wanted her to hang out with me most of the time. I was bothered when she and he talked alone. I accused her of cheating while she reassured me that there was nothing there. But I kept pushing it.

After we got back from the trip she said she needed space, which of course I interpreted as she needs time with Jake instead of time away from an insecure boyfriend. Well against everyone’s advice I didn’t give her the space and even tried to visit her a few times. A few weeks later I had conceded that the relationship was probably over and started moving on with my life.

A week after that she started talking to me again. I was very guarded and was very brief with her. I had nothing to say to her, you know? She starts saying how much she ed up by letting me go and that she and I really are perfect for each other. I get elated because I felt like for how much stupid that I did after the trip that for her say stuff like this really meant that she wanted to be with me.

I ask about her friend Jake and she starts telling me why they are friends. Apparently Jake has a lot going wrong in his life. He has car problems, his mom is stealing from him, he can’t get a good job, etc. I feel bad for the guy but I also feel like he is using her because once he started hanging out with her more, he pretty much ditched his best friend. I don’t believe now that she ever had a thing with Jake because she tends to distance herself from guys that show interest and she has been friends with him the entire time.

So Kate and I are hanging out at my house, a week before school started again. She’s being very affectionate, cuddling, kissing, even offers a quickie (which is no small thing for her! Birth control pills killed her sex drive long ago!). I declined but saw that things were really looking good for us again. This goes on a couple more days and I start getting comfortable with her again. She told me a lot about Jake and his problems right then. So being the guy I decided I should try to fix things (STUPID!).

I sent a message to Jake offering my help and basically saying if he needs me to work on his car or if he needs a new job just to let me know….. WELL He tells Kate about my message and Kate then tells me that she can’t trust me anymore because I told Jake stuff that I was supposed to keep secret…
Confused yet?

So 3 days of no contact and she contacts me again. School has started and she has decided that she wants to keep her bicycle in my garage and ride with me to school every day. I accept because I don’t really care. We don’t hang out outside of the ride and for about a half hour or so when we get back to my place.

On Friday she wants me to sit in on a class she has that I took a year ago so she can hang out with me or something. I did so but kept wandering away from her to talk to other people. It did seem to bother her that I did that but I can’t tell with her anymore. She was working on homework so I did my own thing. When I sat next to her she would tell me about all of these people that are trying to set her up, but she would say that she doesn’t want anything right now! She told me that she took my garbage cans back for me the other day. She says she did it because she wanted to be nice to me and still likes me…

When we got back to my house I lay down on my bed and she lay next to me. She was barely touching me but it seemed like she wanted to be close. I don’t know anymore.

Where do I go from here? Am I in the friend zone or are we taking it slow? I really would love to be with her but I feel like I may make the same mistakes again. I still find myself being too clingy with her. I want to call her like 10 times a day even though we are broken up, so I limit myself to once or twice, but I feel like that may be too much. And when I’m not thinking about calling her, I sit here and write stuff like this and search for relationship advice on the internet for hours.

So why am I writing this in the attraction forum? Well I want her to suggest us getting back together and I need advice on how to do it. I feel like I may be stuck in the friend zone now.

I think you need to work on yourself, and let this relationshp, lay go. It's not a good relationshp. She is sending you mixed messages, and you are closing her in. If you have to talk to her 10 times a day, there is something wrong. It seems you're a little insecure. Sounds too me you need to get a life besides her. You can't be a friend with someone who you have just dated for the past year, that takes time, with NC. Sounds like there is trust issues also. Good luck and stay focused on you.

It was a great relationship. When we dated and she was at her summer job, I only talked to her maybe once a day and went to see her once a week, if at all. It is since the breakup that I have fallen apart. I Don't need to talk to her 10 times a day, I just can't keep her out of my head.

I told her today that I can't see her as a friend and told her I only want to see her if she wants to get back together again. To this she responded with anger and told me she can do whatever she wants... So I guess I'm going to let her do whatever she wants, try NC for a while, work on myself, and see what happens...

Going to try some therapy for dependence soon. I don't consider myself dependent on her, but enough that its affecting me (why else would I be writing this?)

First of all, I want to say you seem to have your head and you seem to have much more control than other people in those forums. You also seem much more rational than others.
When my ex broke up with me, I was in shamble. I would be thinking non stop for 2 month about my ex, lost hair, my hair turned white, I had diarrhea for 3 weeks (yea, it was bad).

It is quite normal to feel vulnerable and distressed after a break up or potential break up, you are surely not the first one and it's nothing quite of the ordinary. You wrote quite a piece but from I read YOU don't want her back. If you read it slowly I think you'll find out. Your girlfriend doesn't seem to be trustworthy and you are suspecting it. You don't need therapy right now, you need NC now. You are in pain but it will die down and it is more than normal to think all the time about her.

You need to understand there is other girls out there and that she isn't the only one. If you can't trust her then there is no future between both of you, and it really seems you can't trust her right now. Applying NC for now will give you much needed perspective and probably you will find that breaking up is for the best.

Got any tips for NC? I've been hanging out with the buds and doing all the things I love. Climbing, fishing, video games, drinking, etc. Sometimes I just get really bad for hours and only want to talk to her. I know nothing except at least a month of NC will change things and I want to do it... but man that's a long time

And by the way, I still do absolutely WANT to be with her. I still like AND love her a lot. But I can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. And I don't like her hanging around me since we are not dating. I love being with her at the time but when she leaves it tears me apart knowing that she's not my girlfriend. She said she couldn't be friends with me either, its all or nothing for us... So what the heck was she doing?

Hopefully some good old NC will make her make up her mind

Yep it's tough and it's quite excruciating. First of all, take off drinking and take off a LOT of video games. You are not going to get better with drinking, probably worse and video games will not help you get your social life back, which I assume was deteriorating due to having a girlfriend ( it happens to the best of us ).

NC is actually you're breaking ALL contact, Facebook, myspace, email, msn, phone etc... I would suggest put yourself a goal. My own goal was to get more muscle and lose fat and everyday I would have result. I suggest that you do lots of sport, everyday if you can for 1 or 2 hours.

Even if your mind doesn't feel well, your body will, and the body and the mind is intricately linked. Soon your body will change the way you think and you will feel better in yourself. This is why I stress a lot of sports to get better. Finally don't answer any calls or email or sms from her. Keep up posting what improvements you made it will also help you out.

And btw, I still do absolutely WANT to be with her. I still like AND love her a lot. But I can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. And I don't like her hanging around me since we are not dating. I love being with her at the time but when she leaves it tears me apart knowing that she's not my girlfriend. She said she couldn't be friends with me either, its all or nothing for us.... So was she doing?

Hopefully some good old NC will make her make up her mind

From my own experience, once there is a breakup there is almost no turning back. It's quite harsh but it's reality. Even if you go back it's never going to be the same. NC is actually not for you to make her change her mind, it's for you to get better and to realize a couple of things. You don't need her to live your life and that's important.

I understand your position, I was at the same place where I didn't want to let go. Hopefully with NC you'll understand what you want.

Hopefully some good old NC will make her make up her mindNope, some good old NC will help you make up your mind.

Sorry guy, but you pushed her away by being insecure, and confused, and didn't work on yourself enough to learn from your mistakes and make some adjustments when she came back.

Do so now, and work on yourself, and leave her alone, because who knows what the future holds for you. With her, or another.

And if she tries to contact me? Ignore her? Blow her off?

Ignore her.No contact whatsoever.

And if she tries to contact me? ignore her? blow her off?
Yes!

All right guys. I have made up my mind. There are other women out there. She had good qualities, but too many bad qualities.
I could get back with her... but that would have to be years from now and she would have had to change a LOT. So basically I could get back with her... if she was completely different lol...

Now. I have heard from her sister that she is actually going through depression about all of this. If she tries to get back together with me, how can I let her off easily so she doesn't go and do something stupid like hurt herself or drop out of college or whatever. I want her to live her own life and learn to love herself.

Tell her politely that it s over be kind but firm.this what you have to do for yourself.if she s really depressed she should see a doctor but that's not your responsibility now.

What are you her savior? No you're an ex, and she has to learn to deal with this, just as you do. So leave her alone, as you may have good intentions, but you can't make it easier than leaving her alone. Why drag out the inevitable, and make it worse?

Do you not have a heart? If you loved someone you will always love someone, and love is wanting to see her do what's best for her. And that is NOT dropping out of college because of a breakup

If we are no longer with someone they must fend for themselves-never mind how we may still feel for them.they re in our PAST for a reason and we can't revisit the past.

So you think that you can make her stay in college? That's her responsibility, so let her own up to it. She has to do for herself as you do.

You may have feelings, but that doesn't give you control of another, or the right to.

Its sad sure enough, but its also her business what she does, no matter how you feel about it.

Hey everyone. Well we ended up getting back together and things seemed fine. The sex was still rare - she claims she wasn't a very sexual person. Fine whatever I loved her. We fought frequently about what went down but she assured me that nothing happened between her and the guy.

Then came last night. I got on her laptopand found out she had been logging into the guys Facebook. Ya... I got on there and found a plethera of emails from her to him about how he was the one for her and how he can't leave her... blah blah blah. He isn't talking to her at this point because she came back to me.
Most of these emails are from a long time ago when we were on break, however I find an email from February saying how she made a mistake and wanted to be with him instead of me. How he was the best sex she's ever had...

Wow I confronted her on this and she lied through her teeth until the end. I threw evidence in her face and she finally admitted to it. She said she didn't tell me because she didn't want to hurt me. She won't admit to the February email, even though I gave her word-for-word proof.

She still wants to work it out but I'm not going to be her number two choice next to this guy. She wasn't even dating the guy yet and she f**ked him while we were on break... What a slut. I know some of you don't consider that cheating but her intentions were clear before the break and she just carried it out once we were broken up.

I kicked her out last night

Lesson to learn: If someone says they need a break and you might think someone else is in the picture, your s/o has grass is greener syndrome. You have officially become their number two choice. If you can live like that, fine, but there are plenty of others willing to make you number one.

Thanks bally. I am in a similar situation and I know that I have to go into no contact right now. I shouldn't have answered the other night...

Sorry you had to learn the hard way. But now you know. Good luck!

That's tough but now you know-and not everybody out there is a liar and a cheat.

Better luck next time.

Woow bally that was really harsh, I don't know what I would do if I found that email and reading her say he was the best F*** partner that she had ever want. Just thinking if my ex said that only makes me mad. I wish you for the best, and just remember if she can do this now what make you think she can't do it again. Yea I think it was cheating, if she wanted for F*** him she could have just ended it for good. Woow to be doing it to someone that she's not even with that tells you a lot about her. You can do better even though right now you feel you cant. Just keep your mind positive and the day will come when you can be yourself again.

It's really tough and really painful. I got a similar story so I know how hard it will gets. What I did, as hard as it was I just applied NC and went on with my life. I didn't want a cheater in mine and I know what I was worth. I hope you can apply the same process.